MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Romance — A Foreign Concept?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Instead of your long-winded rants,”
Says the gal, “I’d prefer some romance.”
Then her husband replies
With a glint in his eyes:
“Tell me, where do you think you are — France?”

(Inspired by the “Romance” prompt over at Totally Optional Prompts. And speaking of prompts, there’s still time to give my “bad jobs” prompt a try.)

Technorati Tags: Romantic Verse, Romance Limerick, Relationships and Marriage Humor, France, Foreign Concepts

Miss Dating? Not me!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Before I was married I dated
Hardly ever, cause dating I hated.
Then I met hubby Mark,
Which created a spark.
Elated, we dated and mated.

(For more date-related poems, visit Sunday Scribblings)

NOTE: If you like to write limericks or haiku, give my new poetry prompt a try.  My latest topic is right on the money.

Technorati Tags: Date Humor, Dating Limerick, Sunday Scribblings,

Eyeing a road sign
That says, “Turn Right,” he turns left.
It turns out, he’s right.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The “he” in this haiku is my husband, Mark.  He’ll freely admit to being a bit perverse.  He’ll also (legitimately) brag about his great sense of direction.

I eyed this prompt and used this road sign to write this haiku.

Technorati Tags: Directions Humor, Men and Directions, Driving Haiku

I usually don’t use the New York Post as a source of scientific info.  But this report on brain differences between men and women is very interesting. (Hat tip to Kalilily.net)

Here’s an excerpt:

In her book, the Columbia professor explores the chemistry of male and female brains - and, using up-to-the-minute medical research, reinforces some cherished “Men Are From Mars” stereotypes:

* Women remember better - even things that happened a really long time ago.

* Men are better at map-reading. They also get turned on a lot easier.

* Women thrive on talking and spending time in groups; men like to do things on their own.

But all this isn’t quite as simple as it sounds. For example: A woman’s brain is, in fact, about 10 percent smaller than a man’s, even when factoring in physical size difference - but it also has a lot more going on, neuron-connection-wise.

In other words, writes Legato, “women get more brain bang for the buck.”

Thanks to Stone Age wiring, women also have a far greater capacity for understanding speech and body language, and have “elephantine” memories, especially when it comes to negative experiences.

***

Men are better than women at focusing on one task and completing it. Women’s brains excel at multi-tasking, which like many of their traits has origins in childbearing: “You’re not just going to sit and stare at your baby. You have to process a demand from your child and move on to different tasks.” In the brain, this means more connections across the corpus callosum, which divides the brain into two halves.

As you can see from that New York Post article’s dateline, it only took me a year to celebrate our differences with a poem:

Vive La (Brain) Différence!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We gals and guys are diff’rent—
You must know that old cliché.
Now some scientists have proven
That our wiring’s night and day.

The brains of men are larger,
Which shall surely make them proud.
Will it hurt gals in the workplace—
Only big-brained folks allowed?

But women’s brains have neurons
Whose connectors are first-rate.
We are multi-tasking mavens,
And our memory’s just great!

With diff’rences so striking
(Guys and gals, I mean to say)
Our commingling’s quite amazing.
I’m surprised we all ain’t gay.

(You can find my feminist humor here.)

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And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival Of Satire
* Writers’ Strike Knocks Out ‘Fake News Shows,’ Leaving Only … Fake News
* Feminism At Its Finest
* Carnival of the Insanities and more Insanities
* Blog Carnival of Observations On Life
* Carnival of the Liberals

Technorati Tags: Feminist Humor, Men and Women, Males and Females, Scientific Study Humor

The Definitive Bad Date (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A salty young gal is enraged
When she learns that her date is engaged,
So she curses the fellow—
Spews hate with a bellow,
Then shoots. Guess her anger ain’t staged.

NOTE: This limerick was loosely inspired by the inaugural edition of Totally Optional Prompts, which is an outgrowth of the late, lamented Poetry Thursday.

(You can find more of my dating humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Date Humor, Men and Women, Violence, Anger

Chick Flick Flack
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a film’s called a chick flick, it’s meant
To appeal to most women. How bent!
I’m a gal through and through,
But those flicks make me boo,
While my husband applauds. What a gent!

(You can find more of my marriage humor here and my feminist humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Husband Wife Humor, Feminism Humor, Flick Film & Movies, Chick Flicks

Taking Our Marriage’s Temperature
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband and I can agree
On most everything—“a” straight through “z”.
But as husband and wife
We suffer much strife
Over temp settings—heat and AC.

(We argue over our TV’s remote control too, but it refuses to rhyme.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Limerick, Temperature Humor, Compatibility, Husbands, Wife Humor, Heat Humor, AC Humor, TV Remote Control, Spousal Humor, Husbands and Wives

A Modest Dating Proposal For Anxious Guys  (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Introducing your gal to your mom?
Are you worried your intro will bomb?
Well here’s some advice
So the meeting goes nice:
First tell her your date’s name is Tom.

Technorati Tags: Dating, Moms, Mothers, Parents, Parenting, Dates, Introductions, Meetings, Gender Issues, Modest Proposal

An Arresting Affair (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal in New York was arrested
For strolling outdoors while bare-breasted.
But courts say, “No fair!
You can not make gals wear
Shirts and blouses, cause men go bare-chested.”

Yesterday, CNN reported that Jill Coccaro has received a $29,000 settlement of her civil rights lawsuit against New York City. She’d been arrested for topless strolling and was detained for twelve hours, despite a 1992 New York State appeals court ruling that women have the same right as men to remove their shirts.

(You can find more of my legal verse and humor here, my feminist humor here, and my New York humor and limericks here.)

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And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival of Family Life
* Friday Ark
* Carnival of Storytellers
* Carnival of Education

Technorati Tags: Wrongful Arrest, Bare Breasts, Bare Chests, Topless Humor, New York Law, Lawsuit Limerick, Police Overzealousness, Topless Strolling, Equal Treatment, Women’s Rights, Feminism

My husband Mark and I were never meant to own a motor boat. Why not? Any couple who can’t figure out how to open their car hood, should probably stick to something propelled by oars. And we surely would have done just that, had the prior owner of our weekend home not made it a package deal. If we wanted his irresistible house, we’d have to spring for his 120 horse power boat — perfect for anyone whose idea of relaxation is charging across a rocky three mile lake at the speed of screams.

OUR FIRST TIME OUT: My husband — a man who can build a wood stove fire in a flash, who whips up gourmet feasts in fifteen languages — couldn’t figure out how to unhook the boat’s cover. Refusing my help, he struggled for an hour. Victorious at last he hurled the cover off, in the process spilling gallons of water all over the boat.

By then I was ready to bail out. But Mark handed me a pail, and we spent the next 45 minutes heaving water overboard. Once all the water was safely under the boat, it was time to begin boating. I optimistically climbed onto our 16 footer, while my husband worked the knots from ashore. A former boy scout, he did this rather well. So well, that the boat (free at last) started to drift without him. ….   (Motor Boating Just Isn’t Our Speed continues here.)

Technorati Tags: Boating Humor, Motor Boating, Outdoor Activity Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Outdoor Fun, Water Activities, Outdoor Sports

No Sweat Divorce (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“My husband and I are estranged,”
Said the wife, “’cause he acts so deranged.
His behavior’s aberrant
And vexingly errant.
I wish he could just be exchanged.”  

(Can you imagine if divorce were as easy as shopping? And no, this isn’t autobiographical … although I do enjoying poking fun at my wonderful husband from time to time.)

Technorati Tags: Divorce Humor, Marriage Satire, Husband and Wife Humor Shopping Humor

Chafing At “Chick”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a guy calls a woman a chick,
It strikes me as sexist and sick.
But my comments are tame;
Unless Richard’s his name,
I’m polite and I don’t call him dick.

Technorati Tags: Sexism Humor, Feminism Humor, Men Women, Male Female Relationships

Belated Apology
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your apology’s rather belated,”
Said the gal to a fellow she hated.
“Your delay makes me fear
That it isn’t sincere—
You still had your hair when we dated!” 

Technorati Tags: Dating Satire, Apologies Humor, Baldness Humor, Hair Humor, Romance Humor, Men and Women Humor

Surmounting Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions:

1. Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
2. Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips?
3. Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?

Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid?  (Surmounting Marriage is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Mountain Climbing, Outdoor Humor, Husband Wife Relationship Humor, Marriage Satire,

Litigation Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“You don’t care about others. You’re callous,”
Said the plaintiff, with undisguised malice.
“Well, you haven’t been sweet,”
He replied in a beat,
“Since the night that we wed, my dear Alice.”

Technorati Tags: Litigation Humor, Wedded Bliss, Divorce Humor, Plaintiff, Defendant

A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.  … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Valentine Day’s Humor, Holiday Fun, Relationship Satire, Battle of the Sexes, Men and Women, Gift Humor, Romance Humor

A Take-Charge Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We’re both bossy, my husband and I.
Domineering, some say with a sigh.
But though some might disparage
A two-bosses marriage,
Each day is the Fourth of July.

(My marriage humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Humor, Compatibility Humor, Bossy, Domineering

Marriage Catch
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Said the fellow, “I need some advice.
Tell me how I can catch me some mice,
Cause my wife saw some lurk
By the fridge—went berserk!
Till I catch ’em, my sex life’s on ice.”

(My marriage humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Humor, Sex Humor, Mice Humor, Vermin Humor

Have you heard about the Rosie O’Donnell vs. Donald Trump feud? Yeah … like you could possibly avoid it. Those publicity-mongers deserve a limerick, don’t you think? 

Rosie O’Donnell vs. The Donald
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Whenever publicity’s needed,
O’Donnell and Trump seem to feed it
By starting a feud
With each other. How rude!
To both I can only say, “Beat it!”

Technorati Tags: Rosie O’Donnell, Donald Trump, Publicity Humor, Feud, Celebrity Humor

What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?

Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.

Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: New Year’s Resolutions Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts