MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is health. First, my limerick:

Maladjusted Men
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Maladjusted men sometimes say, “Doc, 
Chiropractic is naught but a crock. 
Your adjustments don’t work, 
You’re a sick, spineless jerk, 
And I’ll sue till you’re broke and in hock!”

And now my handy haiku:

My musical hands,
Stricken by carpal tunnel,
Betrayed by my wrists.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about health. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your health-themed verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Technorati Tags: Chiropractic Humor, Health Limerick, Adjustments, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Writing Prompts

First (And Last) Visit
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m allergic to felines; I sneeze 
And I tear when they’re near—then I wheeze. 
So I wish you had warned 
That your house is adorned 
With a half-hundred cats (Siamese).

Author’s Note: This limerick is based on personal experience. Many years ago, a composer asked my chamber ensemble to rehearse at her home, so she could record a work of hers that we were getting ready to debut. I’d barely taken my oboe out of its case, when I started having trouble breathing.  My attack got very bad, very quickly, and I was forced to leave without rehearsing. 

I later learned that our host’s hobby was breeding cats, and that her house was packed with them. Since I’m very allergic to cats, this would have been a good thing to have been warned about. 

(You can find more of my pets and animals humor here and more of my health humor here. And you can find more place-centric verse over at Totally Optional Prompts.)

Technorati Tags: Cats Humor, Feline Verse, Allergy Limerick, Chamber Music Rehearsals, Health Humor

This week’s 3 Word Wednesday words are Care, Unexpected, and Weekend. Somehow they eventually managed to fit inside a limerick:

Possibly Good, Albeit Annoying Advice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Ev’ry weekend take time to forget
All your worries and cares and your debt.
Please don’t aim for perfected.
Embrace unexpected.
Try yoga. Play Set. Buy a pet.

Technorati Tags: Advice Humor, Anxiety Humor

I’m an insomniac and I must admit to taking a bit of solace at learning from a podcast that “zebrafish - a common aquarium pet - can have a genetic mutation linked to sleep problems.”

That calls for a limerick, don’t you think?

Fishing for Company
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I can’t sleep.  I don’t know what to do.
Troubling thoughts seem to come, right on cue.
But my iPod distracts me
With news that attracts me:
“Sometimes fish get insomnia too.”

(You can find more of my pets and animals humor here and my health humor here.)

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival Of Satire
* Carnival of Humor 

Technorati Tags: Insomnia Humor, Sleeplessness, iPod, Fish Humor, Zebrafish Limerick, Animals, Scientific Research

I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence.  Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor.  (And yes, we’re still married.)

I naively assumed that Mark was the only person crazy enough to think germs politely wait five seconds before they attach themselves to goodies. But apparently lots of people (mostly men, I’m assuming) believe that if you drop food on the floor and pick it up really, really fast, it’s safe to eat. 

In fact, the belief’s so widespread that some scientists (who apparently didn’t have anything better to do with their time) actually studied the issue. And yes, they concluded that the rule isn’t valid. (Did you really need me — or the scientists — to tell you that?)

This leads to my latest limerick, in which I use the word date instead of husband to protect the guilty … and because husband has too many damned syllables:  

The Five-Second What???
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My date dropped dessert on the dirt.
“Please don’t eat it,” I managed to blurt,
As he started to chew
On his now blackened goo,
Saying “5-second rule — it won’t hurt.”

And now it’s time for another poll:

(You can find more of my marriage humor here and more of my food humor here.)

=========

And now some links, for your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* Blog Carnival For Game Designers
* Business Communications Carnival
* Jim Donovan’s Hosting a Fun Poetry Competition

Technorati Tags: Five-Second Rule, Food rules, Science Humor, Scientists, Scientific Studies, Germs, Husbands, Marital Relationships, Dating

For some reason, I almost forgot to post this: 

ADD Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Hey, doc, have I got ADD?
My attention span’s short as can be.”
“Take this test, and we’ll know
If you have it, although…”
“If I’ve what?” “ADD, sir.” You see? 

Technorati Tags: ADD Humor, Attention Deficit Humor, Health Satire, Attention Span Humor, Doctors Humor, Medical Humor, Mental Health Satire

Give Me A Break!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The play was quite talky and lacked
Something crucial. It had but one act.
What was missing, you say?
Not one break in that play!
While they blathered, my bladder was racked.

Technorati Tags: Theater Humor, Theatre Humor, Bathroom Breaks, Bladder, Play Reviews, Intermission, Ladies Room, Women’s Room, Entertainment Satire, Health Satire

Tacky Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

These armchairs are tacky and lack
Sound support for my weary old back.
Their seats are too deep
And their prices too steep.
Ow! What’s this in my tushie? A tack!

Technorati Tags: Furniture Humor, Furnishings, Chairs, Back Pain, Shopping Satire, House Decorating Humor

Ode to Unselfishness
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband is great—good as gold.
And there’s no one more giving, all told.
He’s benevolent, caring,
Unselfish, and sharing.
Don’t believe me? He gave me this cold. 

Technorati Tags: Love Humor, Romance Humor, Marriage, Generosity Humor, Sharing Spirit, Benevolence, Unselfishness, Health Satire

A Biting Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Ow! My tooth aches,” a man told the nurse,
Whose answer was biting and terse:
“The Doc’s in a tizzy.
His schedule’s too busy.
Take asp’rin. Come back when it’s worse.”

(My Dental Deal, a funny dentist/patient contract, is here.) 

Technorati Tags: Health Humor, Dental Humor, Dentistry,   Medical Humor, Pain, Teeth

Healthy, Or Half-Baked?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My spouse likes to lie in the sun,
Absorbing those rays just for fun.
As for me, I hate sweat.
I’d not bask on a bet.
It’s unsav’ry to bake till you’re done.

(My health humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Health Humor, Sun Bathing Humor, Skin Care, Sun, Health Risks

What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?

Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.

Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: New Year’s Resolutions Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts

Is Mental Health Overrated?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There once was a drunken, loud fellow
Who ordered his drinks with a bellow.
Then they put him on meds.
Now he’s placid, instead,
And quite boring, since turning so mellow.

Technorati Tags: Mental Health Humor, Personality Humor, Medication Humor, Personality

Becoming an insomniac isn’t as easy as it might appear. But with the help of these guidelines, dark circles and a cranky disposition will soon be yours.

1. Be born into a family of worriers. (Certain ethnic groups have the advantage here, but won’t be identified for obvious reasons.)

2. During your infancy, become accustomed to dozing in serene silence, a state you will never encounter as an adult.

3. Have parents so desperate for peace and quiet, that they routinely send you to bed hours before you feel even a hint of fatigue. This will allow you to develop helpful habits like gazing at the ceiling, counting sheep, and plotting revenge.

4. Cultivate your neuroses. A dedicated would-be insomniac will work on this throughout the day. But if time is limited, performing any of these activities right before bedtime should do the trick: … (How To Become An Insomniac is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Insomnia Humor, Health Satire, Humorous How-To, Funny Self-Help

Unless you live on another planet, there are never enough hours in the day. But if you use these efficiency techniques, you can win that battle with time:

1. Always do at least two things at once. While showering, write a screenplay. While sorting laundry, invent a handy appliance for the home. While chatting on the phone with a dull acquaintance, take a nap.

2. Consolidate self-improvement routines. Exercise to learn-a-language tapes while watching watercolor videos. Not only will you save time, but you’ll have thin thighs for that trip to Le Musée du Louvre.

3. Buy a speaker-phone for your kitchen. You’ll be able to cook, vacuum, and knit dog-hair booties while you talk on the phone.

4. When you’re in the kitchen, post reminder notes on the fridge. (”It’s the laundry, stupid.”)

5. Group chores alphabetically. If you have to go to the pharmacy, combine your trip with errands beginning with the letter ‘P.’ …”  (Contending With Time is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Time Humor, Self-Help Satire, Household Chores, Time Management, Time Pressure, Multitasking, Self-Improvement, Efficiency Humor

Attention, Wal-Mart … Patients?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Wal-Mart is marketing health care
Via clinics in stores. Near the hardware?
You can call me a cynic,
But Wal-Mart based clinics?
My prescription is “Patients Beware.”

Technorati Tags: Wal-Mart Humor, Medical Humor, Health Satire, Healthcare Humor, Health Clinics, Marketing Humor, Patients Humor

If you’re a feline fan who’s very allergic to cats (as I am) and you’re very rich (as I’m not,) scientists have come to your rescue with genetically altered cats:

Ode To Genetically Altered Cats
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Do cats make you suffer and wheeze?
There’s a cure for some real hefty fees:
A kitty whose genes
Are swept allergen clean.
You can kiss and it won’t make you sneeze.

Technorati Tags: Pet Humor, Cat Humor, Hypoallergenic Cats, Scientific Advances, Kittens, Feline, Health Satire, Allergy Humor, Biotech, Allergens, Cat Genes

“Stop The Chaos!” screeches the magazine cover. “Take Control Of Your Cluttered Life!” Periodicals are packed with chaos-avoidance techniques. But do they work? Let’s see.

1. Awaken early, inspired by self-help articles to finally organize your life. Grab paper scrap and jot down all urgent chores. Admire list, savor it, enhance it with scribbled notes. Spill coffee, rendering list illegible. Then, lest you be tempted to do something that might garner a check mark, file list under “T” for “To Do.” … (How To Disorganize Your Life is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Self-Help, Health Satire, Media, Magazines, Finances,  Humorous How-To

I’ve never been fond of fresh spinach,
Or the cooked kind.  That word makes my throat twitch.
How odd and ironic
That Popeye’s green tonic
Can kill. Even health nuts can’t win. Rich!

Technorati Tags: Food Humor, Health Humor, Spinach Humor, Health Warnings, E. coli Outbreak

“You’re gonna swing dance in this weather? Are you insane?”

I’ve been asked that a lot lately, which isn’t surprising when you consider this summer’s humidity and heat wave. New York City’s weather has been so unbearable, that felons have switched from car theft to stealing AC’s. … (Jump, Jive, and Sweat is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Swing Dance Humor, Dancing Humor, Exercise Humor, Hobby Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Music Humor, Recreation Humor, Physical Fitness Humor

Are you stressed out? A quivering blob of nerves? Are your muscles lodged in a permanent clench? Here’s what not to do:

1. Lie down on the floor with your knees bent and pointed upward. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Take another deep breath. Wonder if that smell is gas.

2. Concentrate on your breathing, on releasing that stale, toxic, virulent energy trapped inside you. Feel your body begin to relax. Sense the tension seeping out of your shoulders and toes, your life force beginning to renew. Jump up to check the stove.

3. Resume the position. Resume breathing. Become obsessed by cobwebs on the ceiling.

4. Decide to play a relaxation CD. Your choices are “healing harps,” ocean waves, and whales. Wonder which best suits your persona. Whales remind you of sharks. Decide to go with the harps.

5. Lie down a third time, notice ceiling, slam eyelids shut. Breathe deeply, welcoming the return of your vital juices. I.n.h.a.l.e…t.w.o…t.h.r.e.e…f.o.u.r…E.x.h.a.l.e…t.w.o…t.h.r.e.e…f.o.u.r. Savor the rise and fall of your abdomen. Focus on the harps which remind you of angels which remind you of heaven which reminds you of hell which reminds you that maybe you should listen to something else. … De-Stress Or Distress is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: New Age, Health Humor, Mental Health, Stress Humor, Relaxation Humor, Tension Humor,  How-To Humor, New Age Humor, Meditation Humor, Holistic Humor, Self-Help Humor, Aromatherapy Humor