MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Interactive Taxes
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it’s April 14. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit. Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.

Please don’t cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college.

You’re having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can’t help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.

I hate lawyers too. But we’re really veering off track … Interactive Taxes is continued here.

Technorati Tags: Income Tax Humor, Computer Software Humor, Tax Filing Humor, Technology Commentary, Money Satire, Financial Humor

Years ago I wrote a humorous joint travel contract for the Philadelphia Inquirer. I’ve been meaning to post it on this blog, but I keep forgetting. And Sunday Scribblings’ post about fellow travelers has prompted me to finally do it: 

Revel With A Clause
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You’re running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return?

Joint vacations can be a challenge to any relationship. But with patience, a sense of humor and the help of this agreement, you can take that trip and keep your friendship intact.

AGREEMENT entered into this __________, 20__ by two close couples who would like to remain friends.

WHEREAS, Couples A and B are about to embark on a shared vacation;

WHEREAS, Couple B would rather stay home, but has agreed to give this trip a try;

WHEREAS, Couples want to work out ground rules so their friendship won’t self-destruct.

NOW, THEREFORE, Couples agree to the following vacation terms:

1. The trip shall commence on a date determined after consulting Couples’ children, employers, and baby-sitters. It shall not involve backpacks or a tent.

2. Once a date has been chosen, Couples shall enter into vacation spot negotiations. The following factors shall be duly considered in the course of site selection:

(a.) Wife A burns if she glances out a window.

(b.) Wife B loves to sprawl out on the beach.

(c.) Husband A considers himself an art aficionado.

(d.) Husband B admires prints of large-eyed tots. … (Revel With A Clause is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Travel Humor, Humorous Traveling Contract, Vacation Humor, Friendship Humor Column

My husband Mark and I were never meant to own a motor boat. Why not? Any couple who can’t figure out how to open their car hood, should probably stick to something propelled by oars. And we surely would have done just that, had the prior owner of our weekend home not made it a package deal. If we wanted his irresistible house, we’d have to spring for his 120 horse power boat — perfect for anyone whose idea of relaxation is charging across a rocky three mile lake at the speed of screams.

OUR FIRST TIME OUT: My husband — a man who can build a wood stove fire in a flash, who whips up gourmet feasts in fifteen languages — couldn’t figure out how to unhook the boat’s cover. Refusing my help, he struggled for an hour. Victorious at last he hurled the cover off, in the process spilling gallons of water all over the boat.

By then I was ready to bail out. But Mark handed me a pail, and we spent the next 45 minutes heaving water overboard. Once all the water was safely under the boat, it was time to begin boating. I optimistically climbed onto our 16 footer, while my husband worked the knots from ashore. A former boy scout, he did this rather well. So well, that the boat (free at last) started to drift without him. ….   (Motor Boating Just Isn’t Our Speed continues here.)

Technorati Tags: Boating Humor, Motor Boating, Outdoor Activity Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Outdoor Fun, Water Activities, Outdoor Sports

Taxing Times
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

My husband Mark and I usually prepare our joint tax returns jointly. Being good citizens, we begin early in February with tax planning discussions like this:

Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You’re absolutely right. I’ll pick up Quicksand’s ShirkoTax this week.

By late March we’ve made impressive progress:

Mark: We really should start doing our taxes next Saturday.
Me: You’re absolutely right. I’ll pick up Quicksand’s ShirkoTax this week.

Our tax planning culminates promptly on April 14 when Mark boots up the computer, loads ShirkoTax, and does whatever it is one does with tax software. … (Taxing Times is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Tax Humor, Income Tax Humor, Money Satire, Husband Wife Humor

Surmounting Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions:

1. Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
2. Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips?
3. Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?

Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid?  (Surmounting Marriage is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Mountain Climbing, Outdoor Humor, Husband Wife Relationship Humor, Marriage Satire,

A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.  … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Valentine Day’s Humor, Holiday Fun, Relationship Satire, Battle of the Sexes, Men and Women, Gift Humor, Romance Humor

What is it about December 31st that spurs fantasies of self-reform? Is it too much food and drink? Seasonal exuberance? Lunacy induced by crowds?

Every December, otherwise rational people make resolutions meant to transform them into organized, addiction-free souls with clean houses, healthy bodies, wholesome relationships, perfect children, and career paths soaring to the top — the same vows they made last year and the year before that.

Can our resolutions endure past January 1st? Can we make it to year’s end without ripping up our lists? … (It Is Hereby Resolved is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: New Year’s Resolutions Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts

If you’ve ever visited the delightful Bobbarama, you know that its witty proprietor  posts the occasional Take Two. So, what exactly is a Take Two?  It’s a  battle of the sexes type humor collaboration, in which Bob and a funny female both write about a given topic.

Why am I telling you this?  Because today I’m the female half of Bob’s collaboration, and the topic is shopping. I hope you’ll enjoy my take on shopping with your mate, which is in the form of a multiple choice quiz.  (You’ll find a link to Bob’s take at the end of this post.)

Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate. Not only is joint shopping stressful, but it amplifies differences in temperament and taste. It can even lead to bickering, brawls, and mayhem. So take this compatibility quiz now. Or risk being ousted from your favorite boutique.

1. When you arrive at the mall he:

a. Says “Let’s shop together. It’ll be fun.”
b. Says “Meet me in hardware.”
c. Vanishes.

2. In men’s clothing he:

a. Asks your opinion and compliments your taste.
b. Buys a tie he already owns.
c. Bemoans the demise of the leisure suit.

3. In lingerie he:

a. Says you look sexy in an oversized robe.
b. Asks you to model see-through garments too small to identify.
c. Hands you a Wonderbra. … (“Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate?” is continued here.)

(Click here for Bob’s Shopping Take Two: Shopping For An Excuse To Stay Home, and be sure to meander around his fun site.  But don’t forget to come back here, so you can visit my marriage humor collection.)

Technorati Tags: Shopping Humor, Shopping With Your Spouse, Shopping With Your Husband, Men, Women, Gender Differences Humor

Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing.

And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn’t buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it’s on sale.

But there is a cure for the holiday gift blues. Just substitute this agreement for those subtle hints — the ones that are always either missed or misconstrued. Then kiss that Returns Counter good-bye. This year’s gifts are for keeps.

AGREEMENT entered into this ___________ (Date) by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”

WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts; and

WHEREAS, a gift giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.

NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to these provisions:

GIFTS FOR WIFE:

1. Self-serving gifts shall be avoided. For example, Husband shall not buy Wife the following:
a. Chocolate when Wife is on a diet.
b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet.
c. Anything transparent.

2. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a dish washer, or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them. … (My Mad Gift Giving Guide is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Gift Humor, Gift Giving, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts

Becoming an insomniac isn’t as easy as it might appear. But with the help of these guidelines, dark circles and a cranky disposition will soon be yours.

1. Be born into a family of worriers. (Certain ethnic groups have the advantage here, but won’t be identified for obvious reasons.)

2. During your infancy, become accustomed to dozing in serene silence, a state you will never encounter as an adult.

3. Have parents so desperate for peace and quiet, that they routinely send you to bed hours before you feel even a hint of fatigue. This will allow you to develop helpful habits like gazing at the ceiling, counting sheep, and plotting revenge.

4. Cultivate your neuroses. A dedicated would-be insomniac will work on this throughout the day. But if time is limited, performing any of these activities right before bedtime should do the trick: … (How To Become An Insomniac is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Insomnia Humor, Health Satire, Humorous How-To, Funny Self-Help

There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.

Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”

This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.

AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).

WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and

WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Office Holiday Parties, Funny Contracts

Unless you live on another planet, there are never enough hours in the day. But if you use these efficiency techniques, you can win that battle with time:

1. Always do at least two things at once. While showering, write a screenplay. While sorting laundry, invent a handy appliance for the home. While chatting on the phone with a dull acquaintance, take a nap.

2. Consolidate self-improvement routines. Exercise to learn-a-language tapes while watching watercolor videos. Not only will you save time, but you’ll have thin thighs for that trip to Le Musée du Louvre.

3. Buy a speaker-phone for your kitchen. You’ll be able to cook, vacuum, and knit dog-hair booties while you talk on the phone.

4. When you’re in the kitchen, post reminder notes on the fridge. (”It’s the laundry, stupid.”)

5. Group chores alphabetically. If you have to go to the pharmacy, combine your trip with errands beginning with the letter ‘P.’ …”  (Contending With Time is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Time Humor, Self-Help Satire, Household Chores, Time Management, Time Pressure, Multitasking, Self-Improvement, Efficiency Humor

Being a feminist, even a moderate feminist like me, can make it tough to dodge duties unsuited to the squeamish. In my case, squirrel removal.

Like most people, I prefer my squirrels outdoors. So I wasn’t exactly pleased when a squirrel decided to invade my turf. One morning last winter, when I was barely awake and shuffling down our basement stairs, something with a bushy tail flashed past me, mere inches from my toes. So I ask you, what’s a feminist to do? Yell hysterically? Scream for help? Well, … yes. I also scrambled up the steps, slammed the door, and told myself the squirrel would find its own way out.

For the next few hours I wondered what my squirrel was up to. I even tried to talk myself into marching downstairs and facing him down. Or creeping downstairs and checking things out. Or opening the cellar door just a crack, peering down the steps, and shutting the door fast before the squirrel became suspicious.

What kind of feminist was I, I asked myself, as I paced a floor above the intruder. Surely Gloria Steinem would stand her ground against a tiny rodent. Thank goodness I wasn’t famous enough to be a Rush Limbaugh target. “Femi-Nazi hypocritical wimp Madeleine Begun Kane is ascared of a wee little squirrel,” he’d surely say if he knew I existed. … (A Squirrely Lesson is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Squirrel Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Home Ownership, Feminism Humor, Rush Limbaugh, Femi-Nazi Humor, Basement, Cellar, Trapping Animals, Exterminators

“I’m not going in there. No way. Forget it.”

My seventy-something mother’s stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I’d just suggested.

She and I had spent the entire afternoon combing through three department stores for the definitive pair of panties. Or at least my mom’s idea of same. This illusive undergarment had to be loose, comfortable, 100% cotton, and totally devoid of lace. And that was just for starters. It also had to completely cover my mother’s hips and come in a large size, the exact number of which she resolutely refused to disclose. … (Secret Shopper is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Mother Humor, Parental Humor, Victoria’s Secret, Underwear Humor, Clothing Humor, Style Humor, Comfortable Clothing, Clothes Shopping, Department Stores

My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship.

On a recent weekend there we were happily hiding out, luxuriating in nature, listening to the birds, and breathing in the fragrant non-New York City air. Suddenly, we were assaulted by a distinctly unpacific sound. No, not sundry talking heads screaming about Iraq. It was even worse than that. … (False Alarm is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Automobile Humor, Car Alarms, Country Living, Husband Humor, Modern Life, Contemporary Life, Technology Downside, Weekend Home, Vacation House

“Stop The Chaos!” screeches the magazine cover. “Take Control Of Your Cluttered Life!” Periodicals are packed with chaos-avoidance techniques. But do they work? Let’s see.

1. Awaken early, inspired by self-help articles to finally organize your life. Grab paper scrap and jot down all urgent chores. Admire list, savor it, enhance it with scribbled notes. Spill coffee, rendering list illegible. Then, lest you be tempted to do something that might garner a check mark, file list under “T” for “To Do.” … (How To Disorganize Your Life is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Self-Help, Health Satire, Media, Magazines, Finances,  Humorous How-To

One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children. How do you resolve this dissonant dilemma?

AGREEMENT entered into on ___________, 20__ , by noise-averse Parents and instrument wielding Child.

WHEREAS, Child has expressed an interest in studying the sax;

WHEREAS, Parents hate the sax and don’t even consider it a real instrument; … (Musical Accord is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Music Humor, Family Humor, Education Humor, Musical Instruments Humor, Clarinet Humor, Parenting Humor, Children Humor, Music Lessons, Funny Contracts

A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. Sounds a lot like work, right? Which is why so many vacations go something like this:

(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense. Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.

(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more … leaving out the sleep part. (How To Plan A Trip is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Travel Humor, Vacation Humor, Holiday Humor, Battle of Sexes, Marriage Humor, Hotel Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Humorous How-To

Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what’s a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line.

AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife.

WHEREAS, Husband’s ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn’t cost a dime;

WHEREAS, Wife’s ideal vacation requires a five star resort;

WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map; … ((Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Travel Humor, Vacation Humor, Marriage Humor, Hotel Humor,  Husband Wife Humor

THOUGHTFUL INTERVIEW 

For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it’s probably just as well that people can’t read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:

INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I’m so pleased that we’ve finally had a chance to meet. (This loser’s been clogging my voicemail and email with desperate messages.)

APPLICANT: It’s a pleasure to speak with you. (She’s been dodging my messages for weeks. I’ll never get this job.)

INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)

APPLICANT: I’ve known George for years, and he’s very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot — a well-connected idiot. And if he weren’t my wife’s brother, he wouldn’t give me the time of day.)

INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)

APPLICANT: Well, —- I have a highly diversified background — everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I’ll find something I’m good at.)

INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here — another jack-of-all-trades.) … (My Thoughtful Interview is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Work Humor, Office Humor, Interview Humor, Interpersonal Humor,  Financial Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Business Humor, Money Humor, Workplace Humor