Posts Tagged ‘Vacation Humor’

My New Policy

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

That’s it. No more vacations!

Sounds a little extreme, I know. But strange things tend to happen when my husband and I have the nerve to travel or take time off.

No, I don’t mean canceled flights, lost luggage, or stolen passports. Nothing so mundane as that. I’m talking about incidents like:

* a drowned Toyota;
* a windshield collision with flying branches while my car is going 55 mph;
* a Mazda smashed by a tree while it’s parked and minding its own business.

Detect a pattern here?

We’ve had so many weird holiday episodes, that our insurer has created a special policy provision just for us:

Notwithstanding the aforesaid incomprehensible coverage terms, this policy shall be subject to the following limitations and exclusions, hereinafter referred to as Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause:

1. Claims for beach sand, in excess of four (4) gallons, entering automobile via sunroof, shall be subject to a $2,500 deductible.
2. Damage to fuel line by reptiles, including but not limited to alligators and crocodiles, is hereby excluded.
3. Hotel parking lot car-drowning incidents shall be subject to a “one more time and you’re canceled” cap.

Our most recent adventure took place at our weekend house. And before you get too impressed by our owning a weekend house, let me hasten to add it’s only 380 square feet. In fact, when we got it appraised for mortgage purposes, its “comparables” featured our neighbor’s garage.

Mark had spent the entire day telling me he “really, really, really should plant the flowers” — those very flowers that were waiting patiently in our Mazda, hoping against hope that the fellow who bought them the previous day would eventually recall that occasional sunlight is somewhat better than a hot, dark trunk.

Knowing better than to meddle in Mark’s planting activities — or lack thereof — I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer: “I don’t want your help. Go away.”

Besides, I had complete faith that at some point before the plants died, Mark would remember that replacements cost money and he’d unload the car and begin digging and uprooting our resident worms. I also knew this would occur just as the last vestiges of sunlight said goodbye. (“Anyone can plant by daylight. Where’s the challenge in that?”)

Mark didn’t disappoint me. He cracked open the car trunk at 8 p.m. and finished around 10. He even did it without the sort of event that might trigger an insurance claim.

And then it happened: Just as Mark was walking up the driveway toward our refuse cans (in an aberrational instance of his actually taking out the garbage), he heard an unfamiliar noise. And thank heavens he did. Because the sound made him stop in his tracks, just as a huge tree limb came barreling down across our driveway, striking our car and our garbage cans but miraculously sparing Mark.

Mark naturally took this as a sign from God: “Thou shalt never again take out the garbage.”

We spent the rest of the night celebrating Mark’s survival. And devoted the next day to tree-limb removal, car-repair estimates, and insurance negotiations.

Needless to say, Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause is longer than ever.

Planning To Travel With Friends? Are You Sure That’s Wise?

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

Years ago I wrote a humorous joint travel contract for the Philadelphia Inquirer. I’ve been meaning to post it on this blog, but I keep forgetting. And Sunday Scribblings’ post about fellow travelers has prompted me to finally do it: 

Revel With A Clause
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You’re running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return?

Joint vacations can be a challenge to any relationship. But with patience, a sense of humor and the help of this agreement, you can take that trip and keep your friendship intact.

AGREEMENT entered into this __________, 20__ by two close couples who would like to remain friends.

WHEREAS, Couples A and B are about to embark on a shared vacation;

WHEREAS, Couple B would rather stay home, but has agreed to give this trip a try;

WHEREAS, Couples want to work out ground rules so their friendship won’t self-destruct.

NOW, THEREFORE, Couples agree to the following vacation terms:

1. The trip shall commence on a date determined after consulting Couples’ children, employers, and baby-sitters. It shall not involve backpacks or a tent.

2. Once a date has been chosen, Couples shall enter into vacation spot negotiations. The following factors shall be duly considered in the course of site selection:

(a.) Wife A burns if she glances out a window.

(b.) Wife B loves to sprawl out on the beach.

(c.) Husband A considers himself an art aficionado.

(d.) Husband B admires prints of large-eyed tots. … (Revel With A Clause is continued here.)

How To Plan A Trip (Humorous How-To)

Thursday, September 14th, 2006

A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. Sounds a lot like work, right? Which is why so many vacations go something like this:

(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense. Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.

(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more … leaving out the sleep part. (How To Plan A Trip is continued here.)

Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what’s a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line.

AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife.

WHEREAS, Husband’s ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn’t cost a dime;

WHEREAS, Wife’s ideal vacation requires a five star resort;

WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map; … (Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan is continued here.)