MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Warning: This post (three haiku about competition) is humor-free:

The need to be first—
Exciting, addictive,
But doomed to disappoint.

Competing oboists
Break reeds and steal music—
Angling for an edge.

Orchestra try-outs
Held behind screens to halt bias—
Betrayed by heels.

(For the lighter side of music, click here.)

Technorati Tags: Oboists, Oboe Reeds, Auditions, Music, Orchestras, Symphony, Competition

This week’s Friday Five asks us to use these five words in a poem or story: mustard, piano, elastic, moat, and notorious.  As you can see, it set me off in a rather silly direction:

The Eccentric Pianist
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The notoriously eccentric pianist
Played electric stride piano
With an elastic reach worthy of Fats Waller
While perched on the deck of his moat-surrounded castle,
Then dined on a meal of mustard sandwiches.

For a post and limerick about a real (and not-nearly-so-eccentric) stride pianist, check out my Ode To Judy Carmichael.

(You can find more of my music humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Friday Five, Fats Waller, Stride Piano, Judy Carmichael, Music Verse, Poetry Prompts

First (And Last) Visit
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m allergic to felines; I sneeze 
And I tear when they’re near—then I wheeze. 
So I wish you had warned 
That your house is adorned 
With a half-hundred cats (Siamese).

Author’s Note: This limerick is based on personal experience. Many years ago, a composer asked my chamber ensemble to rehearse at her home, so she could record a work of hers that we were getting ready to debut. I’d barely taken my oboe out of its case, when I started having trouble breathing.  My attack got very bad, very quickly, and I was forced to leave without rehearsing. 

I later learned that our host’s hobby was breeding cats, and that her house was packed with them. Since I’m very allergic to cats, this would have been a good thing to have been warned about. 

(You can find more of my pets and animals humor here and more of my health humor here. And you can find more place-centric verse over at Totally Optional Prompts.)

Technorati Tags: Cats Humor, Feline Verse, Allergy Limerick, Chamber Music Rehearsals, Health Humor

This pair of short, music-related verse was loosely inspired by this week’s Totally Optional Prompt.

Musical Question
By Madeleine Begun Kane
 
I watch a flautist play the flute.
She’s really great—there’s no dispute.
Distraction strikes: I know it’s moot,
But why don’t lautists play the lute?

Second Chair Blues (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“I play second chair symphony flute,”
Said the flautist. (”My wife plays the lute.”)
“How I wish I had clout!
Then I’d fire the lout
Who plays first chair. He’s here cause he’s cute.”

(You can find more of my song parodies here.)

Technorati Tags: Musical Verse, Music Poems, Flute Humor, Lute Limerick, Musical Instruments, Symphony Humor

It’s time for some silly classical music punning.  (Fortunately, the tale told in this limerick never really happened.)

Bach! Humbug!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your CD collection’s a joke,
And classical sucks,” yelled the bloke.
My discs couldn’t handle
This rampaging vandal:
Now all of my Bach sets are broke.

Technorati Tags: Classical Music Humor, Musical Puns, Bach, CDs, Bach Sets, Vandals, Music Collection, Baroque

As regular readers know, watching American Idol is one of my guilty pleasures.  But it sure wasn’t much of a pleasure last week, when mellifluous Melinda was sent packing and Blake wasn’t:

Yet Another American Idol Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Melinda was beat out by Blake?
Now that’s what I call a mistake!
He’s all shtick and no voice.
What a terrible choice!
I suspect that his fans ain’t awake. 

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* StoryBlogging Carnival
* Carnival of Satire
* Carnival of the Insanities
* Blog Carnival On Observations On Life
* Worldwide Opinions
* Carnival of Modern Sage

Technorati Tags: TV Humor, Television Humor, American Idol, Blake and Melinda, Music Satire, Singing Humor, Singers, Vocals, Vocalists, Fox TV Humor

I live in New York City, so my husband Mark and I often catch great musical acts, plays, art shows, and other entertainment and cultural diversions in the Big Apple.

Why don’t I write about our New York fun?  I keep meaning to, but quickly forget to. Blame ADD, a bad memory, or just being a wee bit disorganized.

Anyway, I’ve decided to launch a new posting category — Night On The Town — in which I’ll write more regularly about our Manhattan adventures … in theory, anyway.

And what better way to start, than with the wonderful Judy Carmichael!  We caught her stride piano act Friday night at the Knickerbocker Bar and Grill, and she was excellent, as always. Mark and I own every one of her recordings!

For those who don’t know what stride piano is, it’s a musical style that originated in Harlem early in the 20th century.  And nobody does it better than Judy Carmichael.  In fact I love her playing so much, I’ve written her a limerick:

Ode To Judy Carmichael (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Judy Carmichael’s known for her stride.
She’s a pianist of note far and wide—
A female Fats Waller.
You’ll whoop and you’ll holler
With joy at her musical ride.

Technorati Tags: Judy Carmichael, Jazz Pianist, Stride Piano, Fats Waller, New York City, Big Apple, Musical Acts, Plays, Art Shows, Entertainment, Knickerbockers Bar and Grill

American Idol — My Guilty Pleasure
By Madeleine Begun Kane

American Idol’s a show
I enjoy. Why? I really don’t know:
Awful singing, odd judging,
And, maybe, vote fudging.
I’m missing it now. Gotta go!

Technorati Tags: TV Humor, Television Humor, American Idol, Music Satire, Singing Humor, Singers, Vocalists, Vocals Humor, Judging Humor, Vote Fudging, Fox TV Humor

Musical Faux Pas
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The solo violist played well,
With strong bowing, tone clear as a bell.
But she messed up the end;
When the time came to bend
For her bow, she got dizzy and fell. 

Technorati Tags: Music, Viola, Violist, Bow, Accident, Music Verse, Musical Humor

Those &^%$#$% Auditions!!!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If a symphony job is your mission,
You’d better learn how to audition.
Those try-outs are trying.
Remember, no crying!
Can’t hack it? Become a physician.

Technorati Tags: Classical Music, Music Satire, Orchestra Musicians, Symphony Orchestras, Symphonic Music, Instrumentalists, Auditions Humor

Open Sesame
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Why on earth are CDs packed so tight?
You can’t hear them without a huge fight.
When you buy a CD
Then your plight is to free
That damn disc. It might take you all night.

Technorati Tags: CDs, Recordings, Music, Records, CD Cases, Discs, Money, Shopping

Ode To The Bar Exam
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“I’m worried I won’t pass the bar,”
Cried the would-be attorney (no star).
His career he regretted.
Strung out, how he fretted:
He shouldn’t have quit the guitar.

(My legal humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Humor, Attorney Humor, Bar Exam Humor, Musician Humor, Career Humor

Give Me An “A!”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When symphony instruments tune,
They’re not matching the flute or bassoon;
It’s the first oboe’s “A”
That the strings must obey.
If they don’t, be prepared for High Noon.

On a more serious … uh … note, here’s some info that might make this limerick a bit more meaningful to some of you: Symphony orchestras tune to the first oboist, who generally gives his fellow musicians an A-440. Many string players prefer a slightly sharper pitch, an A-442 or A-444, believing that it gives their sound a more desirable brightness. This can lead to lots of bickering.

You can find more of my music related humor here.

Technorati Tags: Oboe Humor, Symphony Orchestra Humor, Tuning, A-440, String Players, Classical Music, Musical Instruments, High Noon, Flute, Bassoon, Pitch

One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children. How do you resolve this dissonant dilemma?

AGREEMENT entered into on ___________, 20__ , by noise-averse Parents and instrument wielding Child.

WHEREAS, Child has expressed an interest in studying the sax;

WHEREAS, Parents hate the sax and don’t even consider it a real instrument; … (Musical Accord is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Music Humor, Family Humor, Education Humor, Musical Instruments Humor, Clarinet Humor, Parenting Humor, Children Humor, Music Lessons, Funny Contracts

If you’ve ever wondered exactly how the Wonderbra works, this ad provides a handy demonstration. (via)

And that gives me all the excuse I need to post my Wonderbra Song Parody:

Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Wonderbra can make you huge.

Wonder of wonders.
Wonderbra oh Wonderbra.
Lifts, shores up, and stacks your boobs.

Wonder of wonders.
Miracle of miracles.
Deepens cleavage on demand.

Wonder of wonders.
Wonderbra oh Wonderbra.
Scoops and swells your mammary glands.

The day I first tried on that bra.
That was a miracle.
That was a miracle.

They gaped and gawked and cheered “Hurrah!”
That was a miracle too.

But for all breasts be they large or small.
The most miraculous bra of all. … 

(My Wonderbra Song Parody is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Fashion Humor, Feminist Humor, Lingerie Humor, Wonderbra Humor, Bra Humor, Underwear Humor, Song Parodies, Battle of the Sexes, Social Satire

“You’re gonna swing dance in this weather? Are you insane?”

I’ve been asked that a lot lately, which isn’t surprising when you consider this summer’s humidity and heat wave. New York City’s weather has been so unbearable, that felons have switched from car theft to stealing AC’s. … (Jump, Jive, and Sweat is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Swing Dance Humor, Dancing Humor, Exercise Humor, Hobby Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Music Humor, Recreation Humor, Physical Fitness Humor

Do you and your spouse argue about how to spend your spare time? Togetherness can be tough to achieve when a couple’s interests just don’t jibe. But this contract may be just the cure for your spare time blues.

AGREEMENT entered into on _____, 20__ between opera-buff Wife and sports-fan Husband.

WHEREAS, Husband has been badgering Wife to attend a ball game for as long as they’ve been married, and he has never managed to reach first base;

WHEREAS, Wife has been pressuring Husband to go to the opera for years, and Husband is running out of excuses; and

WHEREAS, Husband and Wife know that if they don’t resolve this soon, each will be attending all functions solo.

NOW, THEREFORE, the parties hereby agree to the following spare time terms:

    1. Wife will attend one ball-type game, the selection of which shall be in Husband’s sole discretion, and Husband will attend one opera performance, the selection of which shall be in Wife’s sole discretion. In exercising such discretion, both spouses will keep in mind that divorce lawyers are really expensive … (Sparring Over Spare Time is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Opera Humor, Wife Humor, Spare Time Humor, Ball Game Humor, Battle of the Sexes, Family Humor, Recreation Humor, Leisure Time Humor, Marriage Humor, Relationship Humor, Husband Humor, Funny Contracts, Law Humor, Lawyer Humor

You have to dot those i’s.
You’ve got to cross those t’s.
You have to seem so wise.
You must justify those fees.
And if you’re smart and lucky
You will turn your case around.
That’s what the law’s about.

You have to file those claims.
You’ve got to sue those stiffs.
You have to shift the blame,
With no ands or buts or ifs. …

(That’s What The Law’s About is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Humor, Law Humor, Law Office Humor,  Litigation Humor,  Attorney Humor, Legal Humor, Litigation Humor

You praise my weblog
And I’ll mention your blog.
You link my weblog
And I’ll link to your blog
Weblog,
Your blog,
Weblog,
Your blog,
Let’s call the whole thing off.

You laud my rampage
On Bush’s last outrage.
You say I’m so sage,
Go check out my web page. …

(Bloggers’ Rhapsody is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Blogger Humor, Technology Humor, Blogging Humor, Computer Humor, Blog Related Humor, Blog Post Humor, Publicity Humor, Marketing Humor, Publicity Humor