Archive for the ‘Weird News Snark’ Category

Limerick Ode to the iPhone’s Siri

Thursday, October 20th, 2011

No Siri for me — I’m serious!

I’m referring to Apple’s wise-cracking, female-voiced digital personal assistant, now available on the iPhone 4S.

Limerick Ode to the iPhone’s Siri
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There’s a newfangled Apple bot, Siri—
A bantering gal, rather eerie.
What a talkative lass!
I’m planning to pass.
Would a male bot be somewhat less cheery?

Celebrate All My Gizmos Are Working Day — March 2nd

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

Each year our calendars are jam-packed with weird, oddball holidays created, presumably, by equally weird people. Since I’m just as odd as the next person, I figure I’m entitled to invent one too … assuming I can come up with something strange that isn’t already taken.

Anyway, while scrolling through several calendars specializing in bizarre holidays, I noticed a startling omission. Apparently, nobody’s thought to invent All My Gizmos Are Working Day. That is, until now.

So with the powers vested in me as a member in good standing of the New York State Bar, I hereby declare March 2, 2011 to be the first annual All My Gizmos Are Working Day.

As you might expect, I’m commemorating this spanking new holiday with a limerick. But before I get to my verse, let me first acknowledge that most people won’t be able to really celebrate All My Gizmos Are Working Day on March 2nd. In fact, there’s a good chance I won’t be able to enjoy it either.

Why not? Because I can’t remember the last time that I didn’t have at least one broken gadget — a kitchen appliance, TV, DVD player, stereo, land line, cell phone, computer, e-book reader, MP3 player, etc. At least one electronic thingamajig is always misbehaving.

But hope springs eternal, right? So here’s my celebratory limerick:

Limerick Ode To All My Gizmos Are Working Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

All My Gizmos Are Working Day’s here.
March 2nd’s that day of good cheer.
If, alas, you’re disgusted
Cuz something is busted,
Try again on March 2nd next year.

(Inspired by Big Tent’s anti-holiday prompt.)

UPDATE: I’ve learned that March 26th is Make up your own Holiday Day.

How To Muck Up Gift-Giving

Monday, January 11th, 2010

Some men send their wives Hallmark greeting cards. Then there’s Dick Kleis of Zwingle, Iowa, who got a bit more “creative” on his wife Carole’s birthday. He spent three hours spelling out a huge love note in 120,000 pounds of “good, soft, gushy, warm” manure. And proving that there’s no accounting for taste, his wife actually liked it, saying her hubby “dung good”.

Attention, dear hubby Mark … and any other man who might be inspired by this story on a birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s Day: Don’t even think about it!

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

How To Muck Up Gift-Giving
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear hubby, I’d really be miffed
If you gave me manure as a gift.
Now I don’t expect plush
If you ain’t feeling flush.
But dung? Sweet revenge will be swift.

Cashing In With “Doggie da Vincis”

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

Cashing In With “Doggie da Vincis” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A dog trainer needed some cash,
So she dreamed up a plan—made a splash:
Teaching dogs how to paint
Abstract art. Great they ain’t,
Though their pictures make mine look like trash.

According to a June 2007 AP news story, Mary Stadelbacher, a dog trainer from Salisbury, Maryland, taught three dogs how to hold a paint brush and paint abstract art. The “doggie da Vincis” are being featured in a Salisbury University art gallery and also have a line of greeting cards.

I must admit to being conflicted about this story.  On the one hand, it strikes me as utterly absurd and makes me feel bad for artists who paint actual art.  On the other hand, those dogs sure as hell paint a lot better than I can.

(You can find more of my dog and animal related verse and humor here and my money humor here.)

An Arresting Affair

Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

An Arresting Affair (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal in New York was arrested
For strolling outdoors while bare-breasted.
But courts say, “No fair!
You can not make gals wear
Shirts and blouses, cause men go bare-chested.”

Yesterday, CNN reported that Jill Coccaro has received a $29,000 settlement of her civil rights lawsuit against New York City. She’d been arrested for topless strolling and was detained for twelve hours, despite a 1992 New York State appeals court ruling that women have the same right as men to remove their shirts.

(You can find more of my legal verse and humor here, my feminist humor here, and my New York humor and limericks here.)

UPDATE: August 26th is Go Topless Day, sponsored by GoTopless.org.

A Lamb On The Lam

Monday, June 18th, 2007

A Lamb On The Lam (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A lamb on the lam in the City
Of New York, which most clearly has pity:
The lamb escapee
Said, “You ain’t eating me!”
He was pardoned, and so ends this ditty.

I couldn’t resist writing a limerick about the seven-month-old lamb that escaped a live-animal market in The Bronx, New York and led police on a several block chase before it was captured. Animal lovers will be glad to know that instead of being returned to the market, it was delivered to an animal sanctuary.

(You can find more of my animal humor and verse here and more of my food humor and poetry here.) 

Weird News Snark (New Regular Feature)

Tuesday, June 5th, 2007

I’m introducing a new regular feature today — Weird News Snark.  How regular?  That totally depends on news craziness … and Mad Kane laziness. 

So let’s get started:

And you think you’ve got mother-in-law problems?

Private’s platoon sergeant is his mother-in-law, too.

At long last, a good reason to attend your reunion. 

ORONO, Maine —  Fifty years after taking school sprit to new heights with a paint brush, a University of Maine graduate has received a pardon from the school administration.

Where’s the beef?

FAYETTEVILLE, Ark. (AP) – Guessing about the contents of a cow’s stomach is a thing of the past for University of Arkansas researchers – all they have to do is reach in and take a sample. The university’s Animal Science Department has surgically implanted 4-inch-wide tubes, called cannulas, in the sides of 12 cows.

Yeah, but what were they smoking?

KANSAS CITY, Kansas (AP) – More than 1,680 guitar players turned out, tuned up and took part in what organizers say was a world record rendition of Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water” – a song that was the first many of them ever learned.

“Creative” U.S. Lawyers Have Nothing On The Germans.

BAUTZEN, Germany (AP) – Three German teenagers have been spared paying hefty damages after a court ruled it could not prove an ostrich farmer’s claim that their festive firecrackers made one of his birds impotent.

This never happened when Jimmy Carter was president. 

SALT LAKE CITY (AP) – A woman was held up during a fill-up. The woman was pumping gasoline Sunday morning when a man stuck something in her back, told her it was a gun and ordered her to start filling up his sport utility vehicle instead of her own car…

Freedom’s for the birds.

BEIJING (Reuters) – Four highly endangered red ibises have been taken back into captivity in China, after two days of free living made [the birds] lose their appetite…

Perhaps those birds could use this fellow’s dietary aid.

A man in southeast China says 40 years of swallowing tree frogs and rats live has helped him avoid tummy ache.