Archive for the ‘Limerick Award Winners’ Category

Limerick of the Week (223)

Saturday, July 25th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Said Irene to Eileen, “Am I late?”
Said Eileen to Irene, “I’m irate!
I lean in the lane
All alone in the rain –
Oh what wicked wet weather to wait!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, Pedro Poitevin, Will T. Laughlin, and Phil Graham. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

They had lent at so monstrous a rate
That it couldn’t be paid by the date,
For the interest fee
Was twice GNP,
So the bankers now own the Greek state.

Tim James:

A guy found a lady first-rate,
So he asked if she’d go on a date.
But she snapped, “You chew gum,
And it makes you look dumb!”
So he’ll stay home and just mast…icate.

Kirk Miller:

Though the woman heard goose was first rate
At the bistro, supposedly great,
The cook carelessly plucked
The main course; it was mucked.
She felt down in the mouth when she ate.

Dave Johnson:

A mistress grew very irate;
Her lover was chronically late.
One night, he would find
Her gift left behind:
A patient, inflatable mate.

Pedro Poitevin:

Behold my inflatable mate:
Her buttocks are truly first-rate!
I think that I must
Release all my lust
Before I begin to deflate.

Will T. Laughlin:

Donald Trump, at the Heavenly Gate
(Where Saint Peter had asked why he’d rate
An entrance therein),
Said, “If Pride is a sin,
Then it’s God’s fault he made me so great!”

Phil Graham:

I’m hoping to finally sate
My sex drive before it’s too late.
All the dollars I’ve paid
To those whores to get laid
Have my wife acting very irate.

When we last bared our bodies to mate,
Can’t remember just how it did rate.
But my wife blew her chance
For steamy romance.
If she’d blown something else, I’d be great!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (222)

Sunday, July 19th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“The whole gold-digging life’s a hard sell,
But for me it works out pretty well.
Some don’t like ‘old guy love,’
But when push comes to shove
And I bid them farewell, I fair well!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Stephen Fleming, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, Johanna Richmond, and Pedro Poitevin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Dave Johnson:

A phone with a really hard shell
When dropped, may not do very well.
Perhaps they could place
It inside a foam case;
The market could use a soft cell.

Fred Bortz:

By the seashore, her shells surely sell,
And her business is doing so well
That her Yiddische Mama
Declares with much drama
“Oy, Shirley, you’re making me kvell!”

Stephen B. Fleming:

The Donald believes he can sell
Himself as the Chief — “Do Pray Tell.”
But his immigrant smear
Caused a corp’rate Bronx cheer.
So to much of his fortune, “Farewell.”

Brian Allgar:

Dubya reckoned the deal would be swell,
Even though it meant going to hell,
But the Devil just laughed;
“Buy your soul? Don’t be daft–
You don’t even have one to sell.”

Allen Wilcox:

As he passed through the hot gates of Hell,
The sounds within started to swell.
The pain in his ears
Nearly drove him to tears
From the ringing that came from each cell.

Johanna Richmond:

How I MISS life before Mr. Cell
And his wife, Mrs. Cell, came to dwell
In our home — when our link
Involved warm flesh and kink
And our texting thumbs boldly wore gel.

Pedro Poitevin:

Through a tunnel he dug in his cell,
El Chapo descended to hell
And offered the devil
A lower mid-level
Position within his cartel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (221)

Saturday, July 11th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Fred Bortz:

The authorities turned up the heat
On the ladies who walk on the street:
“You must lower your rates
For your bus’nessman dates.
How else can our city compete?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, Diane Groothuis, and Phil Graham. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

They were frolicking in the back seat
Like a bitch and a mongrel in heat,
When a sudden bright light
Gave the couple a fright.
“My turn next,” said the cop on the beat.”

Sue Dulley:

I’m a glutton for glutinous wheat;
As a treat, toast and jam’s hard to beat,
And I flee when I see
Food that’s tagged “gluten-free.”
(There, I said it. Please don’t give me heat!)

Dave Johnson:

They went to a swingers’ retreat
And saw lots of couples in heat.
There was a big dance
Where no one wore pants;
The members all swung to the beat.

Diane Groothuis:

When sales-people turn up the heat,
I do what I can to retreat.
They’re trying their luck
To make a quick buck.
As for me, I just vote with my feet.

Phil Graham:

A woman turned white as a sheet
When her cop friend was not too discreet.
She said, “Show me your Glock.”
What he heard, though, was “cock.”
So he proved he was packing some heat.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (220)

Saturday, July 4th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A collections attorney named Kirk
Desires a new line of work.
His resume states
The most obvious traits:
“An accomplished, professional jerk.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) J Cosmo Newbery, Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Nate Levin, David Reddekopp, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

J Cosmo Newbery:

She had a few drinks after work,
Then slept in the arms of a clerk
And dreamed of a life
As a happy young wife.
But, alas, she woke up with a jerk.

Fred Bortz:

She once loved his ev’ry sweet quirk.
She insisted each one was a perk.
But there’s little enjoyment
If spouse lacks employment,
So she dumped him, that work-shirking jerk.

Judith H. Block:

Be gentle, don’t pull, yank or jerk,
Tease, firmly caress — that will work.
You want him to last,
Not end it too fast;
To haunt him and drive him berserk.

Nate Levin

The G-O-P prez-field’s berserk,
And the typical member’s a jerk.
They’re reality flee-ers
With eyes on the Tea’ers.
Is this how a party should work?

David Reddekopp:

All men have a gherkin to jerk.
Most find that their jerkin’s a perk.
But woe to the guys
Who can’t make it rise,
And find that their gherkin won’t work.

Suzanne Heymann:

Each man in my life was a jerk,
So I’m single – a permanent quirk.
I JUST have it in me
That no one can win me—
A man is just too much hard work.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (219)

Saturday, June 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Astronomers once had the gall
To proclaim, “The world’s round, like a ball.”
But soon findings empirical
Proved it non-spherical;
Slightly deflating them all.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

The cannibals started a brawl
Over who got what portion of Paul.
They battled for dibs
On the meatiest ribs,
While the chieftain was having a ball.

Kirk Miller:

When making some holes rather small,
A leather punch started to bawl.
“We’re stuck in this job,”
It said with a sob,
“And that is the fate of us awl.”

Brian Allgar:

She was wearing a costly mink shawl,
And the bimbo explained to them all:
“It’s a gift from a guy
Who just wanted to cry,
Cuz he said to me, “Baby, let’s bawl.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, please don’t disturb Doctor Hall.
Cutting gonads in slices so small
May yet give the answer
To testicle cancer,
And right now, he’s halving a ball.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

When Sally slipped down in a fall
She really had reason to bawl.
But balling for Sally
Is right up her alley
For Sally has no shame at all.

Dave Johnson:

Scalia and Thomas will bawl
“This week has been no fun at all.
Our cadre of five
Did no longer strive
To answer the G.O.P.’s call.”

Jon Gearhart:

Found her name in a men’s bathroom stall
And decided I’d give her a call,
But I feel quite misled
By these words that I read:
“Call Caitlyn and you’ll have a ball!”

Allen Wilcox:
A WEEK OF BALLS, WITH REFRAIN

We’re having a civil rights ball.
The Confederate flag has to fall.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

And then? – the Obamacare ball
With Roberts explaining it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

And then? – well, the gay marriage ball
With Kennedy telling it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (218)

Saturday, June 20th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

On Craig’s List, Chris posted his lust
For a tryst with a lass to be trussed.
Alas, though: Chris missed
His delicious truss tryst.
He was tied up at work. How unjust!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Kaye Roberts, Phil Graham, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

She withdrew from the Savings & Trust
All her cash. It’s not much; now she must
Choose ’twixt breast augmentation
And West Coast vacation.
The choice: California or bust.

Robert Schechter:

The essence of love is to trust.
So trust me. I’m able to thrust
Without letting go.
Believe me! . . . Uh oh . . .
Remember that son we discussed?

Brian Allgar:

He stuffed her with thrust after thrust
Like a man half-demented with lust,
Then he bound her with string,
Legs and breast, everything,
Till the Thanksgiving turkey was trussed.

Jon Gearhart:

As I cussed and discussed in disgust
My mistrust with my siblings, we fussed
How the lawyer had still
Not found part of Dad’s will.
My disgust rose from my misplaced trust.

Fred Bortz:

Chez Marquis de Sade is a must
To couple with parry and thrust.
There maidens will tryst
While bound at the wrist,
As long as you’re someone they trussed.

Lisi Nortman:

A marriage is based upon trust,
But if driven by wild carnal lust,
You’ll probably cheat.
So be very discreet.
Don’t come home with your hairdo all mussed.

Kaye Roberts:

Ev’ry man she’d encountered with lust
Had betrayed her, demolished her trust.
So she found a belle chère
And began lez affaire
And left all les hommes in the dust.

Phil Graham:

A ski racer you couldn’t trust
Would consume pork and beans ’fore he shussed.
And to go a bit faster
He’d use his ass blaster
And gain MPH from each gust.

Allen Wilcox:

He was proud that they showed him the trust
To move “David” to clean off the dust.
It fell and it shattered.
He cried, bruised and battered,
“I can only say ‘This was a bust’.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (217)

Sunday, June 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

She had warts, but she wasn’t half bad,
So they made the short hop to his pad.
His intention to jump ’er
Is now in the dumper:
She laughed ’cause his pole’s just a tad.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phil Graham, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phil Graham:

A fam’ly of dwarves was quite glad
To be told a developer had
Built a home for them, small,
Costing nothing at all!
It was called “The Stay-free Mini-pad.”

Fred Bortz:

“Before we make love, don’t be mad.”
He responded, “I’ve felt your bra pad.”
She replied with a laugh,
“Hah! You don’t know the half.
The fact is my birth name was Brad.”

Brian Allgar:

Canaan, Cush, Phut and Mizraim would pad
Through the paddy-fields feeling quite sad.
Eating nothing but rice
Isn’t terribly nice
When ‘Ham’ is the name of your dad.

Dave Johnson:

When you’re young & you’re told you were bad,
Just write it all down on a pad.
After years have gone by,
You can read it and try
To re-live all the good times you had.

Tim James:

Many women, all scantily clad,
Have been seen coming out of his pad.
You can call him a rake,
But since rubber can break,
He now goes by another name: Dad.

Will T. Laughlin:

As my way through the city I pad,
I notice this theater ad:
BROKEBACK MT — SWEET NOVEMBER
A WALK TO REMEMBER.
I call that a Marquee de Sad!

Robert Schechter:

My spark plugs just told me they’re sad.
I asked them, “But what is so bad?”
“We’re homeless, you see,
But why should this be
When even the brakes have a pad?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (216)

Saturday, June 6th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

The sexiest instrument’s known
As the brassy and sassy trombone.
It loves to be slid.
There’s no hornier id!
But mostly it loves to be blown.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Janice Canerdy, Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, Konrad Schwoerke, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The bounciest girl he had known
Was astride him, and couldn’t be thrown.
But her thrusts were so rough
That he cried “That’s enough –
I think you’ve just broken my bone!”

Janice Canerdy:

Sue’s not in the bedroom alone,
But hubby’s as cold as a stone.
She begs, “Take this pill?”
He says, “Yes, I will.”
Her man is now bad to the bone.

Ian Graham:

Our orchestra’s lonesome trombone
Used to slide in and out on his own.
Now he’s living in sin
With the first violin
And she fiddles until his bone’s blown.

Fred Bortz:

In Genesis, God used a bone
To make Eve, though she wasn’t a clone.
So much for reliance
On DNA science!
Creationist truth has been shown.

Will T. Laughlin:

TO THE BOARD OF REGENTS

You demand explanations be shown
Why I met with my student alone.
Well, her field’s dinosaurs,
So she went through my drawers
‘Til she found my old fossilized bone.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The wifey had started to moan,
“When you’re out every night, I’m alone,
And your mistress gets bed…”
Interrupting, I said,
“Stop your bitching!” and threw her a bone.

Dave Johnson:

He was hired to play the trombone
At a socialite club in Bayonne.
His notes were quite mute
But a bulge in his suit
Caused the standing ovation alone.

Will T. Laughlin:

MEMO FROM THE DEFENSE DEPT.

Dear contractor: We have a bone
To pick. We had ordered a drone.
What you sent us in lieu
Is a didgeridu.
Very funny. Come back when you’re grown.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week 215

Saturday, May 30th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Most lumberjacks, some say, are brutes,
Built for power from abs, pecs, and glutes.
But in math they do well.
Yes they truly excel.
Cutting logs, they compute all nth roots.

NOTE: I enjoyed the line 5 wordplay so much, that I violated my own general rule against limericks that may need an explanation. So if math humor makes you loggy, here’s Fred’s explanation:

For those who have forgotten or never learned logarithms, you can compute a square root by dividing the log of a number by two then finding the antilog of the result. Cube roots involve dividing the log by three. And in general, you can find the nth root by dividing the log by n.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Stephen Fleming, Kathy El-Assal, Kaye Roberts, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

Ten sailors were all in cahoots;
When on leave from their sea-going routes,
They would meet her to bang
As a nautical gang,
And they’d give her their ten-gun salutes.

Scott Crowder:

She never has colored her roots
Or toned-up her once perky fruits.
She’s more than okay
With her hair turning gray
And tucking her tits in her boots.

Colleen Murphy:

Said a carrot to tropical fruits,
“For sight we’re the favored recruits.”
But the kiwi replied,
“We’ve got C on our side.
So there! Now go back to your roots!”

Stephen Fleming:

I question a voter who roots
For the tally of feculent fruits
On the elephant ticket–
A baffling thicket
Of blustering arrogant suits.

Kathy El-Assal:

In Bayside, Mad put down her roots,
Then switched to word play from law suits.
Now Mark and his wife
Live a Queens-style life
With peons who bear pun-ish fruits.

Kaye Roberts:

A weight-lifter worked on his glutes.
His sinews were ropy, like roots.
Once skinny and fragile,
He’s not very agile,
But a mugger just looks, and then scoots.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A Scotsman named Ian McKloots
Played bagpipes that skirled squawky toots.
Until one day at last,
With kilt at half-mast,
He disclosed all his Manly McRoots.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (214)

Saturday, May 23rd, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For searching they brought out the hound,
“The best-sniffing hunt dog around.”
But instead of the punk
It uncovered a skunk,
And the stench from its spray was profound.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, Allen Wilcox, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

I cursed when my stupid old hound
Went digging for bones in the ground,
For I’d cut up my wife
With a sharp kitchen knife,
And she wasn’t supposed to be found.

Scott Crowder:

On days that I miss my old hound
I wait for that imminent sound
Of neighbors despairing
And cursing and swearing
Whenever they step in a mound.

Allen Wilcox:

That crazy old dog went around
And around, and he howled like a hound.
Every day without fail
He went out chasing tail -
It was only his own that he found.

Dave Johnson:

She continued to hector and hound;
He recoiled from the unending sound.
Now technology wins;
He just sits there and grins.
New ear buds will keep him around.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (213)

Saturday, May 16th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Whether healthy and hearty and hale
Or feeble and fragile and frail,
If a cold makes you cry
And you think you’ll soon die
It’s a hundred to one that you’re male.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A fisherman, typically male,
Set a hook for his co-worker, Gayle.
What a catch, for the win!
After reeling her in,
He found out she was bait — for the jail.

Brian Allgar:

The Judge had released him on bail,
But his kids – seven female, six male -
Screamed and fought all the time,
So he planned a new crime
And returned to the peace of the jail.

Colleen Murphy:

I thought I could learn how to sail
With instructions I got in the mail
But for trimming and tacking
The guidelines were lacking.
At least I could manage to bail.

Dave Johnson:

The party was hardy and hale;
And he was a red-blooded male.
The women were hot
But the ending was not;
He awoke with his head in a pail.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (212)

Saturday, May 9th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Two businessmen plying their trade
Got caught up in an IRS raid.
Seems these ten-year-old crooks
Hadn’t kept proper books:
They were bootlegging pure lemonade.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Michael Alan Rosson, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

She was lying quite nude in the shade
When the soldiers marched by on parade.
One came to attention.
I’d better not mention
The weapon he proudly displayed.

Colleen Murphy:

The troops had conducted the raid
But their targets withstood, unafraid.
Though the Boy Scouts rehearsed,
Foes would not be coerced,
For the Daisies were truly first grade.

Dave Johnson:

They’re down in the county of Dade;
To Haulover Beach they have strayed.
Clothing-optional’s where
They’ll wander and stare
At the boobies and butts on parade.

Fred Bortz:

“Our Mother’s Day special parade
Will be canceled,” he said, “I’m afraid.
But our scheduling guy
Was a little bit high,
And his calendar left us dis-Mayed.”

Michael Alan Rosson:

’Round the house the old man was dismayed
When his semi-nude wife would parade.
He did not so much care
What she did/did not wear–
He just hated the brass band that played.

Dave Johnson:

A bagpiper — Angus Kincaid
Had his moment at this year’s parade.
He was over a vent,
Way up his kilt went;
Three ladies then rushed to his aid.

Will T. Laughlin: (for his BAD DATE)

“Sigh. I’ll bet he wants nookie in trade
For the horrible meal that he made…
I’ll lay odds ten to one
That he’ll grin when he’s done
Like he wants me to throw a parade!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (211)

Saturday, May 2nd, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

His face was beginning to slide;
Transformation could not be denied.
As each blotch and each freckle
Appeared, Dr Jekyll
Had nowhere to turn but to Hyde.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin and Judith H. Block. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

My favorite waterpark ride
Is where folks are propelled down a slide.
It tickles my heart
To see man and suit part,
Then scramble to cover his hide.

Sue Dulley:

As a student of Pure and Applied
Mathematics, I had to decide
Which of these two would Rule
While I stayed at that school –
I regret that I let them both Slide.

Brian Allgar:

Our host showed us slide after slide
Of the day that he married his bride,
Till a bang and a spark
Put us all in the dark –
Thank the Lord, his projector was fried.

Jon Gearhart:

My last girlfriend was music’ly tied
To a brass group, and when she applied
Her whole mouthpiece just right,
She could trombone all night
Making use of each inch of your slide!

All her musical talents aside
She was s’posed to become my young bride.
But alack and alas
Such a fine piece of brass
Always keeps other mates on the slide.

Will T. Laughlin:

A coy Early Music fan sighed
For a man with a very long slide.
“Oh please,” cried the miss,
“Won’t you give us a gliss?”
“My sackbut’s Baroque,” he replied.

Judith H. Block, who also illustrates her limerick:

He stared at the Waterworld slide:
“This is something I’d never abide,
Unless smoking some herbal,
For I am a gerbil!
On dry land is where we reside.”

Judith's Gerbil at Waterworld

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (210)

Saturday, April 25th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GARY HENDERSON, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Since her kitty was always quite wet,
She consulted the neighborhood vet.
He prodded and poked.
“I’d do more,” he half joked,
“But really, we’ve only just met!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Fred Bortz, Charley Simmons, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Dave Johnson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

He was famed for superb “Crepes Suzette”;
All the food critics loved him, and yet
In his “Beef Cannelloni”
Were kitten and pony -
The chef bought supplies from a vet.

Sue Dulley:

A man tours the world on a jet
While thousands of dollars in debt.
“Thank goodness” he smiles
“For aeroplan miles,
Or I might have to sell the Corvette.”

Kirk Miller:

In southeastern Asia I met
A veterinarian, Brett.
He has moved to the States.
His competitor hates
That he says he’s a Vietnam vet.

Fred Bortz:

A vigorous volatile vet
Had a vibrating viperous pet.
Voracious for voles,
It victimized moles.
His rattler’s named “Rodents’ Regret.”

Charley Simmons:

A gal took her hound to the vet
With a story he hadn’t heard yet:
“I bent over this morning.
He jumped me — no warning.
Trim his nails. He’s my favorite pet.”

Will T. Laughlin:

When the kids go to bed, don’t forget:
We must always take care not to let
Grandpa put ’em to sleep.
Though his kindness runs deep,
He’s forgetful … and once was a vet.

Allen Wilcox:

Those running so far are all wet.
We know little about them, and yet,
They’re all dogs, one can see–
Almost all GOP.
It’s clear that they all need a vet.

Dave Johnson:

The sax player wanted to vet
A new drummer to join his quintet.
Her style was just right
And he hoped that he might
One day soon get to play with her set.

Tim James:

She’s a sight that I’ll never forget:
Lean and muscular, curvy and wet.
I caress her, and she
Opens up, welcomes me.
I so loves me that cherry-red ’Vette.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (209)

Saturday, April 18th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHANNON TUCKER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Shannon Tucker:

I begged of her, “Please let me stick
“My tongue deep inside it real quick.”
She replied with a wink,
“Of course!” and turned pink
Cotton candy t’ward me for a lick.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Stephen B. Fleming, Konrad Schwoerke, and Nate Levin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

If Jack wasn’t nimble or quick
When vaulting that flame-yielding stick,
He’d have damaged his pride,
Disappointed his bride,
And there’d be no Jack Junior or Nick.

Dave Johnson:

She met a new fella named Nick
Who wanted to show her a trick.
With a pill called Cialis,
His two-minute phallus
Turned into a four-hour stick.

Tim James:

A proton attempted a trick:
He pulled others close-in to him, thick.
That’s a problem, because
It breaks physical laws.
Not to worry: the charges won’t stick.

Brian Allgar:

I was proud of my magical trick,
And her clothes disappeared double-quick.
Then I pulled out my wand,
But she laughed, that young blonde,
At my minuscule conjurer’s stick.

Will T. Laughlin:

After shooting the bear, hunter Vic
Stood poking the beast with a stick.
What would happen, we said,
If it wasn’t quite dead?
And Vic replied, “Don’t be ridic–”

Stephen B. Fleming:

A reply to a hot, friendly chick
Who asked for ride to a flick
Was much misconstrued
And considered quite lewd
When I asked, “ Can you handle a stick?”.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a caveman named Glick
Who in rage gave a tree a swift kick.
To the ground fell a bough
That he grabbed yelling, “Yow!
Dudes, come quick—me invented the stick!”

Nate Levin:

All that mud thrown at Hill, will it stick?
Is she raving, quite power-mad, sick?
Well with iron for skin,
Raining barbs won’t dig in–
She’s hard-baked to repel every brick!

Will T. Laughlin:

Poor Jack is too nimble and quick
Finding places his candle to stick.
Now his candle is burning…
He’s finally learning
Where not to be dipping his wick.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (208)

Saturday, April 4th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

They were sunbathing out on their deck,
Tanned all over, not wearing a speck.
Through binocular glasses
I ogled their asses,
And soon had a very stiff … neck.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, Stephen Fleming, Dave Johnson, Kaye Roberts, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The woman had wanted to deck
The fellow who wrote her a check.
“For one, I’m a looker,
But clearly no hooker
And two, that’s the price for a peck!”

Scott Crowder:

My right cheek is burning like heck.
It’s red all the way to my neck.
I misspoke a word,
Or perhaps she misheard
When I asked her to sit on my deck.

Stephen Fleming:

A captain was striving to check
His foundering seafaring trek,
As his mutinous crew
Formed a startling queue
To punch him out square on the deck.

Dave Johnson:

While out on a wilderness trek,
They’ll sleep on a cold, craggy deck.
But at home she will say
“I’m hurting today;
Our mattress is lumpy as heck!”

Kaye Roberts:

A gambler once salted the deck
With aces, thus risking his neck.
But he won all the cash
Which he put in his stash
And gen’rously picked up the check.

Will T. Laughlin:

Poor Cap’n Jack’s barge is a wreck:
He tried to say, “All hands on DECK…”
But the order that Jack sent
Was spoiled by his accent.
They thought he was saying… (oh, blecch!)

Old Cap’n Jack’s eyes, they grew large
When he saw what went on in his barge.
I’m told upon landing
The misunderstanding
Resulted in seaman discharge.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (207)

Saturday, March 28th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Will T. Laughlin:

The sailors, all drunk on Jim Beam,
Lie strewn below-deck. It would seem
That a nuclear sub
Is no place for a pub,
Unless Sub Bourbon Sprawl is your scheme.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

When I compliment folks, it does seem
They’ll be more self-assured and they’ll beam.
It will boost the morale
Of a guy or a gal,
So give praise and just let off esteem.

Sue Dulley:

Twelve builders, a highly-skilled team
Enjoying their lunch on a beam
Up somewhere near heaven–
Wait, now there’s eleven,
Which may just explain that loud scream.

Brian Allgar:

The Sun was eclipsed – not a beam! -
And the Moon, for a while, reigned supreme.
But her plan to usurp
Was as brief as a burp,
Just a transient lunatic scheme.

Dave Johnson:

Way up goes another steel beam;
To be placed like a stitch in a seam.
We’re here in Dubai
Where they reach for the sky
With the cash from unleaded Supreme.

Will T. Laughlin:

On the seventh day (trashed on Jim Beam),
God grew bored — and came up with a scheme:
He laughed as He stuck
Some spare parts from a duck
On a beaver. Voilà! Monotreme.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (206)

Saturday, March 21st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I’ve been lost in the desert all day,
And my clothes are beginning to fray.
Now the vulture team dips,
And they’re smacking their lips
As the biggest one quips “Let us prey.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

Those folks cause my temper to fray,
Who claim it’s a choice to be gay.
But I’ll lower my voice:
Being dumb is no choice,
And you can’t pray the Stupid away.

Kevin Ahern:

A sex-changing Swede in the fray
Said the surgery all went OK.
This ex-woman wrote
In a notable quote
“I sure wasn’t Bjorn yesterday.”

Brian Allgar:

The skydiver found with dismay
That his chute was beginning to fray.
It was no use at all
When he entered free fall,
And he ended his dive as purée.

Fred Bortz:

I’ve been watching my good nature fray
As climate deniers delay.
That Tea Party faction
Blocks government action.
All we need, they profess, is to pray.

Dave Johnson:

He insisted on having his way,
And her nerves were beginning to fray.
So she said “OK, fine
Then you pick the wine;
But please, no more boxed Chardonnay!”

Byron Ives:

We met at a Waikiki fray.
I fetched us Mai Tais right away.
She said with a wink,
“Gee, thanks for the drink.
I suppose you’re expecting a lei?”

And congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Does the thought of a nuclear fray
On your mind ever heavily weigh?
To allay your concern
It might help if you learn
From a story I’d like to convey.

We were close, in a land far away
To a plan that Iran would obey.
But before they could sign
The proverbial line
Junior Cotton stepped into the fray.

Cotton’s hope was to cause a delay
Or to side-track, unsettle, and fray
Global nuclear talks
While congressional hawks
Rattle sabers and bluster and bray.

Junior Cotton contends by the way
That the presidency is passé,
That a deal with ‘The Chief’
Would be worthless and brief
And in statecraft the Senate holds sway.

But his stupid seditious display
Caused the Tea Party caucus to fray.
And while they’re walking back
His subversive attack
Saner statesmen will Kerry the day.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (205)

Saturday, March 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny acrostic limerick:

Plutocracy claims wealth’s a prize,
Rewarding hard work. It’s all lies:
In fact, many show
Zero skill making dough,
Except when a relative dies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James, whose limerick is directed to a Benjamin Franklin quote:

Mr. Franklin, you need to apprise
Ev’ry man: if he’s early to rise
After early to bed,
He’s got rocks in his head
’Cause his lady will date other guys.

Dave Johnson:

She thought she might win the big prize
On that show with those glamorous guys.
But a singer she ain’t;
Her voice blistered paint.
Now she’s back once again serving fries.

Allen Wilcox:

All members of Congress must rise
To show that they know that it’s wise
To continue all fights
For strong civil rights,
By keeping their ayes on the prize.

Brian Allgar:

Dr. Spooner said: “I must apprise
My detractors – your jokes are unwise.
I tell you,” he grumbled,
“My stung never tumbled;
It’s all been a great lack of pies.”

Fred Bortz:

He cannot believe what he spies.
What a rack, what great ankles and thighs!
But the view from behind
Is what’s blowing his mind.
Callipygian gals win the prize!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (204)

Saturday, March 7th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I’ve a fetish for moisture: a moat,
Or some pond, or a pool gets my vote.
Any sex is way better
When things are way wetter;
It’s water that’s floating my boat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

It’s with sorrow I send you this note.
The repairmen has said and I quote,
“The TV’s in danger;
With no channel changer
Its recovery chance is remote.”

Fred Bortz:

Santorum is known to emote,
“First man-on-man, then man-on-goat!”
Said a goatherd named Thomas,
“If that is a promise,
Then Rick will be getting my vote!”

Brian Allgar:

The actress could never emote;
On the screen, she recited by rote.
But the girl was no slouch
On the old casting-couch,
So they chose her by popular vote.

Colleen Murphy:

My five-year old left us a note:
“I’m heading to places remote
Cause father and mother
You gave me a brother
And no one considered my vote.”

Allen Wilcox:

With chances of winning remote,
The head of the party took note,
“Put away all your tissues;
Can’t win on the issues,
So let’s try suppressing the vote.”

Scott Crowder:

I asked her last night and I quote,
“Where the hell is that fucking remote?”
It soon came to pass,
It’s so far up my ass,
I change channels by clearing my throat.

Will T. Laughlin:

We got in our vessel to float
Far away to an island remote
Where there’s no damned TV.
Hold it — who’s this I see?
Is that Gilligan? BACK TO THE BOAT!

Steve Whitred:

She said “Dear, we’ve become so remote,
And I fear on the nanny you dote.”
He said “Darling, I swear
I’ve not touched the Au Pair,
But I have been beguiled by the goat.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!