Archive for the ‘Limerick Award Winners’ Category

Limerick of the Week (160)

Saturday, April 12th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A crabber got into a scrap
With a mermaid who gave him a slap.
’Twas his rude repartee
After setting her free.
He should never have opened his trap.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My husband decided to scrap
The need for consulting a map,
Which of course would explain
How we ended in Maine,
Instead of the Cumberland Gap.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

A fellow got into a scrap
When undoing the bimbo’s bra-strap.
As he tugged the elastic,
He punctured the plastic,
Deflating the doll on his lap.

Chris Doyle:

It appears I will soon have to scrap
Using plastic to buy all my crap.
Keeping MasterCard waiting
For payment’s creating
A creditability gap.

Colleen Murphy:

The young lass decided to scrap
Her plans with the old British chap.
Though he rocked in a suit
And his accent was cute,
Too often he needed a nap.

Tim James:

On Fridays he’d frequently scrap
All his scruples, and not give a crap.
First a keg of good brew
Followed up with a screw:
An end-of-the-week double tap.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (159)

Sunday, April 6th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

When you’re singing the Anthem, beware!
Choose the pitch that you start on with care.
Even old Francis Scott
Went off-Key when he got
To the line, “And the rocket’s red glare…”

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was quite unaware
That her spouse had a job at La Bare,
Till she went out with friends
To look at rear ends,
And spotted his sweet derrière.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Konrad Schwoerke, Joel Wasinger, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Christopher Finch Reynolds, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The sign on the gate said “Beware
Of the Shih Tzu” – too tiny to scare.
But the son of the house
Had a Pit Bull, the louse –
I was bit by the dog of the heir!

Chris Doyle:

The hot couple next door to us wear
Not a stitch – mother-naked, buff-bare –
Lounging out by their pool.
Having neighbors is cool
When they’re not such a clothes-minded pair.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My wife disappeared — don’t know where.
To be honest, I really don’t care.
I expect them to leave me,
So this doesn’t peeve me.
My dungeon holds many a spare.

Joel Wasinger:

Her jeans were très chic “tear and wear,”
And she’d mindfully messed up her hair.
Forgive my dissension,
But so much attention
For a look that says, “Meh, I don’t care.”

Sue Dulley:

Rocks and mud slide down hills everywhere,
Airplanes vanish right out of thin air,
And now Windows XP
May quite soon cease to be,
And that really does give me a scare.

Robert Schechter:

Some say there’s an afterlife where
Sweet heavenly tunes fill the air.
But they tell me as well
That there’s also a hell
Where the music is Sonny and Cher.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

The boastful old man was aware
That the top of his head was quite bare:
“It should be quite plain
That the size of my brain
Means that no room is left for my hair.”

Tim James:

My gal disappeared ― don’t know where.
I’ve a nugget of wisdom to share:
With your love, set a goal
Like the one when you bowl
And make sure that you pick up a spare.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (158)

Saturday, March 29th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow whose mortgage was due
Had even more woes than he knew.
His payment, though late,
Was the least of his fate;
His wife and his girlfriend were too.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who (in a tie with himself) wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these two limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

When a crone caused a London to-do
Hiding blades in the heel of her shoe,
And she carved up a dame
In a lav, she became
The old woman who shivved in a loo.

A wildebeest’s blue, and it’s due
To a shortage of does in the zoo.
He doesn’t know when
He’ll be mating again,
So he waits to go wooing a gnu.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Bob Leggett, Chris Doyle, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

Dan’s wife kept her Dippity Do
In a jar on the dresser — Woohoo!
“If it stiffens her hair,”
Wondered Dan, “do I dare?”
Now Dan’s dippity ding-dong is blue.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

It was foggy and thick was the dew,
And I thought it was time for a screw.
When she climbed into bed
And began to give head,
Then like Adam and Eve we both “knew.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

“Stop telling me what I must do!”
The dog thought when caught with a shoe.
“You’ve still got one more
Right there on the floor.
Why not share with me, when there are two?”

Brian Allgar: (“quoting” Moses)

“Stop telling us what we should do!
Commandments? OK, one or two,
But on marble, all ten?
Can’t You just use a pen
On a substance that’s light, like bamboo?”

Colleen Murphy:

The stonehead said, “What shall I do?”
When he looked at his recent tattoo.
See, he realized too late
He had inked the name “Kate,”
But she was the girl, before Sue.

Bob Leggett:

A woman at last got her due
When she got to the head of the queue:
“Your offer I see
Is buy one, get one free.
I would like to buy one single shoe.”

Chris Doyle:

I’m a shepherd with little to do,
As I tend to the flock the night through.
To help me not sleep,
I snuggle a sheep—
My sexy embraceable ewe.

Will T. Laughlin:

His weakness is Tullamore Dew.
If they give him a tumbler or two,
Then his lips will unseal,
And it’s probable he’ll
Tullamore than he knows that he knew.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (157)

Saturday, March 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the convent, once matins are done,
Comes the time before terce is begun.
That’s when Scrabble is played,
‘Cause the abbess has made
Entertainment a sine qua nun.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The fragrance of Spring fills the air!
Birds sing, and the weather is fair;
The sky’s a bright blue
Of a dazzling hue,
And I’m frankly too busy to care.

From their beds the first crocuses climb,
And the early narcissus. While I’m
All alone in the gloom
Of my dimly-lit room
As I make these “Spring” limericks rhyme.

Congratulations to Robert Basler, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow cried, “What have I done!
“I’ve been having hot sex with a nun!
“Yes, I got in the habit –
“Oh my God, oh dagnabbit!
“My sin’s been confessed as a pun!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Joel Wasinger, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A gal got a bit overdone
When she lounged in the buff in the sun.
It imparted a glow
(Please don’t ask how I know)
To the tats on each well-toasted bun.

Joel Wasinger:

“These lim’ricks already cite Donne;
They’ve taken my angle and fun.”
My wife says, “Who cares?
Just add yours to theirs.
‘OverDonne’ is a workable pun.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The big cowboy’s fly was undone.
She thought that she might have some fun.
She wiggled her hips,
Then moistened her lips,
But all that stuck out was his gun.

Brian Allgar:

She protested “My fish isn’t done,
And I’m cold at this table for one.”
Removing her flounder,
The waiter soon found her
An excellent plaice in the sun.

Jon Gearhart:

A woman was feeling undone,
Alone as a party of one.
She tried PC Date
To help find a mate.
Her ‘inbox’ is now overrun.

Will T. Laughlin:

It’s Spring! Let the greenery grow!
And the blossoms, in colorful show,
Explode into flowers!
Because in twelve hours
They’re going to be buried in snow.

Brian Allgar:

“In Springtime”, the naturalist boasted,
“There’s many a field trip I’ve hosted.
We love, as we ramble,
To see the lambs gambol,
And love them still more when they’re roasted.”

Tim James:

It’s cold, and the skies are all gray
And the forecast says sleet’s on the way.
My spirits are sinking;
I think I’ll start drinking
And wait for when Spring starts, in May.

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

Here I romp with my love twixt the heather
With my kilt hiked up high in spring weather.
Neath sun-swirled highland mist
On warm moss, by dew kissed,
We’re exploring those regions called nether.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (156)

Sunday, March 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The contestants would spin the big wheel,
Then Vanna turned cards to reveal
Some quite obvious phrase.
‘Twould _er_lex and amaze!
I never could gras_ the a_ _eal.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The Teapers are seizing the wheel
Of the GOP van with their zeal.
Here’s their plan: do away
With the damn A.C.A.,
Turn off welfare, then slay the New Deal.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Colleen Murphy, Chris Doyle, Joel Wasinger, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A cave man invented the wheel.
He hoped to get rich off the deal:
“I only require
“The right name for my tire.
“This will be a good year now, I feel.”

Colleen Murphy:

When you’re spinning a pottery wheel
It is better to temper your zeal,
Or the clay you have thrown
Will take shapes of its own
Which are short on artistic appeal.

Chris Doyle:

In the Navy, my hubby’s a wheel–
The elite special forces’ ideal,
But at home he’s a slouch
Who just sleeps on the couch,
And won’t earn his Good Housekeeping Seal.

Joel Wasinger:

A man fell asleep at the wheel
‘Cause his wife had just copped a quick feel.
They both thought it was hot
But somehow forgot
He dozed off after sex or a meal.

Kevin Ahern:

Painter Dali was quite the big wheel
And whenever he sat for a meal
For breakfast or lunch
He ate Cap’n Crunch
Because he just loved the surreal.

Brian Allgar:

“You shouldn’t say ‘us’ll’, but ‘we’ll,’”
The Harvard boy tells us – big deal!
Old rednecks like us,
Why, us don’t give a cuss,
’Cause us’ll get richer than he’ll.

Will T. Laughlin:

The Government tends to our weal,
Yet too many Conservatives feel
That our *weal* is a welt
That deserves to be dealt
By the force of a down-treading heel.

Brian Allgar:

A woman was changing the wheel
When a fellow appeared, full of zeal.
“May I help you?” he said,
But she bashed in his head
And made off with his automobile.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (155)

Sunday, March 9th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

Father Fine teaches art and design
At St. Joe’s and is known to use wine
To get lads to undress
And caress him. So yes,
I would guess every good boy does Fine.

Congratulations to Mark Kane and Fred Bortz, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the limerick receiving the most Facebook “likes.”

Mark Kane:

A comic worked hard to design
A routine which allowed him to shine.
He’d set out a bowl,
Spike the juice, then cajole
Out the laughs from his loaded punch line.

Fred Bortz:

A scandalous spying design
Led to President Nixon’s decline.
His brash overreach
Caused the House to impeach
And led Tricky Dick to resign.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle and Brian Allgar, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange about Edward Lear, widely recognized as the “father” of the limerick:

Chris Doyle:

Who’da thunk Edward Lear would design
A new verse form we had to refine
So as not to repeat,
Word for word, the three feet
At the start in the terminal line?

Brian Allgar, speaking for Edward Lear:

Mr Doyle, my splendid design
Pleases many, so why do you whine?
I regret that your taste
For the new has debased,
Mr Doyle, my splendid design.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Tim James, Sallie McKenna, Will T. Laughlin, Chris Doyle, Brian Allgar, and Kevin Ahern. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

A woman worked hard to design
An After Ten dress to define
Her nice set of cones
And erogenous zones,
But her date ripped it off before nine!

Tim James:

Our language is strange in design.
If the plural of “cow” can be “kine,”
Then explain to me how
Just one swine’s not a “swow”
And a bride doesn’t take wedding vine?

Sallie McKenna:

A woman worked hard to design
A new look for her scruffy canine;
She tied ribbons and bows,
Then she tweeted a pose.
In a trice, he got four dates online!

Will T. Laughlin says:

So now we see Putin’s design.
His beady eyes narrow and shine:
“Send bombers! Send tanks!
Send troops on both flanks
(This’ll keep Pussy Riot in line)!”

Chris Doyle:

The proctologist knows the design
Of my colon, but still I’ll decline
The exam he’ll suggest
‘Cause his mother knows best:
That’s a place where the son doesn’t shine.

Brian Allgar:

A woman asked God to design
A companion who’d treat her just fine.
But the spare rib – bad luck! -
Was a pig’s, so she’s stuck
With another male chauvinist swine.

Kevin Ahern:

I think you should know the design–
Why we toast to the great pinot shrine:
“The wine,” said a sage
“May get better with age”
“But it’s age that gets better with wine.”

Will T. Laughlin:

We workers in graphic design
Have a precept we’d like to enshrine:
Should the customer want
Comic Sans as his font,
We will pickle his noggin in brine.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (154)

Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In a fleece, back and forth, the wolf paced,
Sneaking up on some prey which he chased.
He tried ewe, he tried ram,
Finally captured a lamb,
Which he then took the thyme to lamb baste.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Their first date had been rather fast-paced
‘Til she slapped him, and ended his haste.
She explained, “There’s a good
Chance you misunderstood
When I said I prefer to be chaste.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

If the LGBT are outpaced
And these homophobe laws are embraced
We’ll look back and exclaim
“Where were we when they came
And our rights, one by one, were erased?”

***

I’ve a friend, or I had one, of late.
Things between us are not all that great.
He greets anti-gay laws
With a quiet applause,
Though their logic he never can state.

It’s the bible he says in the end,
A position he cannot defend.
If we legislate ‘sin,’
Tell me where to begin.
Did you know that it’s sinful to lend?

If your haircut is shaped by a bowl,
If your mare and your ass have a foal,
If you eat crab or pork,
Or you live in New York,
‘bomination will be on your soul.

So I say to my friend, not in haste,
“Even though you think ‘gays’ are debased,
It’s hypocrisy’s height
To deny them their right,
For not one of us truly is chaste.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

Old photos in albums I paste–
Here’s Grandma, with wasp-worthy waist.
She must be nineteen
(In inches, I mean)
Back then, just as later, strait-laced.

Chris Doyle:

“One, two, three…,” Noah says making paste
With tomatoes, so none go to waste
In his homemade ragout,
Which some cheer and some boo
‘Cause there’s just Noah counting for taste.

Steve Whitred:

The filly “My Father Eats Paste”
Never won, never showed, never placed
Whereas horse number 2
“I Don’t Want To Be Glue”
Is a winner whenever she’s raced.

Brian Allgar:

A woman whose life was fast-paced,
Made some soup that was lacking in taste.
“Forget it!” she yelped.
“Some herbs might have helped,
But I really have no thyme to waste.”

Scott Crowder:

A woman whose life was fast-paced,
And hadn’t the time to be chased,
Was keen on a man,
She called Steely Dan,
Whose batteries could be replaced.

Robert Schechter:

I brush all my teeth with a paste
That’s infused with a fresh minty taste.
It makes a nice foam!
But since Charleston’s my home
I must rinse with industrial waste.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (153)

Sunday, February 23rd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A caveman would give her a knock
On the head with a stone or a crock,
No romantic palaver …
Today, we are suaver,
And stun them with Tiffany rock.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these three limericks, each of which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Yes, Chris is in a three-way tie with himself.)

Chris Doyle:

At midnight there came a strange knock,
A tap-tapping that rattled the lock.
‘Twas a crow at the door
Of my store to implore
That I keep Poe’s “The Raven” in stock.

Chris Doyle:

As you’re surfing online, there’s a knock
At the door, then a shout, “Break the lock!”
It’s the Feds, who suppose
You make bombs since you chose
As your tag “the nuke kid on the block.”

Chris Doyle:

My joke, which begins with “Knock, knock,”
Prompts your question “Who’s there?” and then shock
When my “Ivan” to you
Makes you ask, “Ivan who?”
And I say: “Ivan EighteenInchCock.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred, Charley Simmons, Fred Bortz, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A dog who had learned how to knock
Would stop at each door on his block.
He knew not to beg,
So he’d just lift his leg
And if given a treat, no wet sock!

Ailsa McKillop:

The circle all heard a loud knock.
Cried their leader (in black trailing frock):
“Oh spirit, pray speak!”
To her left was a shriek.
That latecomer caused quite a shock.

Steve Whitred:

In Boston a drug cop’s a ‘nawc’
And a prank or a spree is a ‘lawk.’
All the dogs are baroque.
This I swear is no joke:
At the moon they don’t howl, they just ‘Bach.’

Charley Simmons:

A sailor gal heard a loud knock.
At the door, she was in for a shock.
For a flasher was there.
He was smiling and bare,
So she tied a square knot on his cock.

Fred Bortz:

At the séance when I heard the knock,
I was sure it was charlatan schlock.
Then the medium, small,
Loomed quite large after all,
When my late Granny started to talk.

Will T. Laughlin:

You open the door to the knock:
It’s a skeleton holding a clock.
It hits you (too late)
As you go to your Fate
That you ought to have gone to the Doc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (152)

Sunday, February 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

She was sick, but was also afraid
Of the bill that would have to be paid;
So she dressed as a pet
And went off to the vet.
Now she’s cured — but she’s also been spayed.

Congratulations to Kevin Ahern, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On the stand was a dentist afraid
Because of some perjury made.
But his lawyer was wise,
Describing the lies
As something that was truth decayed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Sallie McKenna, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Steve Whitred, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

My nerves last Good Friday were frayed
After learning I’d somehow mislaid
My false teeth, so I feared
I’d look pretty damn weird
Eating lamb on that Easter–puréed.

Sallie McKenna:

A clergyman’s collar was frayed,
Years of chafing induced as he prayed;
He kept craning his neck,
Stealthy hopes raised to check
Any cleavage in front pews arrayed.

Tim James:

A fellow appeared unafraid
To play juggling games with a blade.
“I know tricks that can’t miss;
Hold my beer and watch this!”
Say, does anyone here know first aid?

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the judge, “There’s a fine, I’m afraid…”
To the hooker they caught in a raid.
“Well, judge,” sighed the whore,
“Since I’ve seen you before,
I assume that you’ll take it in trade?”

Steve Whitred:

A woman whose nerves appeared frayed
From her friends heard “We’re getting you laid.”
She said “Sounds like a plan,
But please, not with a man.
Since that last guy, I may have been gayed!”

Diane Groothuis:

A citrus tree got very frayed
At 42 C in the shade:
“I am not in the pink
If I can’t get a drink.
Please get me some cool lemon-aid.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (151)

Sunday, February 9th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow had made quite a scene
In the bath with his girlfriend Nadine.
After hot, soapy thrashing
Away he was dashing.
He dumped her, and got away clean.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On the animal husbandry scene
(Where bionics is all but routine),
A zebu was bred
To an aurochs, which led
To the very first zerochs machine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Kirk Miller, Chris Doyle, Michael Moulton, Byron Ives, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

The diners were making a scene
‘Bout a fly in their fish soup tureen.
I can understand why:
It’s a Bluebottle fly,
And with fish soup, you always serve Green.

Kevin Ahern:

The zaniest thing that I’ve seen
Was something I saw through the screen.
She got lots of buzz.
The reason? Because…
She was a true comb humming queen.

Kirk Miller:

It is hard, as I’m sure you have seen,
To decipher and know what words mean.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide,” also “show,”
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”

Chris Doyle:

A leatherneck dad made a scene,
Blew his gasket and vented his spleen,
When his son, home on leave
From the Corps Christmas Eve,
Donned a dress colored aquamarine.

Mike Moulton:

In New Jersey there was a great scene
As the Seahawk’s defensive routine
Behind Pete Carroll’s brains
Closed more passing lanes
Than Chris Christie’s traffic machine.

Byron Ives:

The TSA agent on scene
Was ogling the x-ray machine:
Saw a ring in her nose,
Some bling on her toes,
And two bouncy gems in between.

Brian Allgar:

The Poet was making a scene:
“There’s a corpse in my best Hippocrene!
What lunatic swine
Could have drowned in my wine?”
Grumbled Keats, “He’s a true Gadarene!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (150)

Sunday, February 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A baker went into the red
When his payroll costs came to a head:
“I pay Dad and my brother,
Three aunts and my mother!”
It seems his whole fam’ly’s inbread.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My limerick turned my face red
As lascivious thoughts filled my head.
I’m sure you’d be fonder
Of my double entendre
If I dared to reveal what it said.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Johanna Richmond, Michael Moulton, Robert Schechter, Jim Delaney, Tim James, Sallie McKenna, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

A newspaper article read:
In his home, a cartoonist found dead.
Cops will try to find out
How his death came about.
All the details are sketchy, they said.

Johanna Richmond:

My computer was sure it had read
The prime booty for which my heart bled.
So to prove that thing wrong
I spent days searching “thong,”
Then bought white cotton panties instead.

Mike Moulton:

A chicken with plumage bright red
Tried to charm all the hens in a shed.
He said, “I’m a great cock.”
But the rest of the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Robert Schechter:

Most poets write “Roses are red,”
But I started my love poem instead
“A rose is chartreuse,”
Which is why, I deduce,
I never did get her in bed.

Jim Delaney:

A gal who was very well-read
Tried to tempt a young man to her bed.
But such culture can do less
When Emma is Clueless,
And boys watch the movie instead.

Tim James:

A woman was very well-read
And her topic of choice was sex ed.
“Dr. Kinsey’s her guide,”
Beamed her man, grinning wide.
“She just Masters my Johnson,” he said.

Sallie McKenna:

Old fashioned, she always wore red,
Said it kept her from being well bred;
With Tom, Dick, or Harry
The red kept her chary.
Her “stop” won’t go “green” till she’s wed!

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The canvass was totally red.
“It’s genius!” the art critic said.
How could we agree
When all we could see
Looked the same when we stood on our head?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (149)

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A bibbed patron sat eating deep-fried;
Battered chicken was piled high and wide.
I said, “Gawd, are you big,
You Falstaffian pig!”
(My remark was, of course, an aside.)

Congratulations to Scott Crowder and Craig Dykstra, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Scott Crowder:

A man who liked food that was fried,
In time became so thick and wide,
That according to lore,
When he went to the shore,
He would have an effect on the tide.

Craig Dykstra:

This new gal gets my head kinda fried.
Every time I want sex, I’m denied!
You would think it would suck
That she don’t like to … you know …
But she’ll happily swallow my pride.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Yt cai, Jesse Levy, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

In my youth I’d eat anything fried;
It’s disgusting, the stuff that I tried.
Cookies, Twinkies, and dough
Mixed with cola … God no…
Those are mem’ries I’ve tried to elide.

Yt cai:

A seamstress’s nerves were all fried
From dealing with one kinky bride.
She finished the dress
Under utmost duress
As the patron was fit to be tied.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow was totally fried.
He jumped off a building’s top side.
But he was still tripping
Through gravity’s gripping.
His last words were: “Look, Ma. I flied!”

Jon Gearhart (whose limerick is an acrostic):

A woman shunned food that was fried
Precisely because she has tried
Reducing the rise
In her increasing size.
Look left and her name I’ve supplied.

Tim James:

Those White Castle burgers are fried
‘Til the grease is all soaked through inside.
Those “sliders” incense me.
Good taste, though, prevents me
From saying just where ’tis they slide.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (148)

Sunday, January 19th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bob Dvorak, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was warned in advance
That she’d had every guy wearing pants.
“Sounds like my kind of quest,
This Community Chest.”
He got dressed, leaving nothing to Chance.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An author’s substantial advance
For a book on carnivorous plants
Alas led him to doom
When consumed by a bloom.
All they found was a shoe and his pants.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Steve Whitred, Craig Dykstra, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sallie McKenna, Jamie Hutchinson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

In Eden the way to advance
Was surely not just happenstance.
For Adam, his brief
Was a tiny fig leaf.
The man of the house wore the plants.

Steve Whitred:

Her sensual, sultry advance
And her walk, which was more like a dance,
The soft light on her hair
All gave wings to my care
That a package was there in her pants.

Craig Dykstra:

Vegetarians learn in advance
All those “don’t eat the animals” rants.
But I don’t avoid meat
‘Cause I like things with feet –
No, it’s just that I LOVE killing plants!

Byron Miller:

I rebuffed a flirtatious advance
From a wraith at a séance in France.
I could see through her clearly:
She did not love me dearly–
We hadn’t a ghost of a chance.

Sallie McKenna:

A fellow was warned in advance
To be sober when placing his plants;
He ignored what they said,
Then when sodding his bed,
Face-planted, his balance askance.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A waltzer turned down the advance
Of a fellow in tight-fitting pants:
“The place is so packed,”
She observed with great tact,
“We don’t have enough ballroom to dance.”

Tim James:

A gal lost a tidy advance
From some monks at an abbey in France
To compose something choral.
She couldn’t. The moral:
Don’t compete when you know you’ve no chants.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (147)

Sunday, January 12th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Our captain appears to be out
Of the closet, without any doubt.
From high up in the rigging,
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy coming about.

Congratulations to SUE DULLEY and SCOTT CROWDER, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award.

Sue Dulley:

Time was: “If you’d like to go out,
Pick the phone up and give me a shout.”
Then came email, and next
“Just snd me a txt” –
Soon telepathy’s coming, no doubt.

Scott Crowder:

A woman is throwing things out –
Leftovers forgotten about:
A strange purple treat,
Old mystery meat,
And something that’s started to sprout.

Congratulations to JOHANNA RICHMOND, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for her clever multi-verse limerick about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s press conference concerning the George Washington Bridge lane closure scandal:

“I’m too trusting — my secret is out –
And too genuine, lovable, stout…
But a bully? Vindictive?
My wounded heart fictive?
That’s not what Chris Christie’s about!

“I am sad and so very depressed;
Tell me, how could I EVER have guessed
That my dep chief of staff
Would have made such a gaffe.
I cut loose that dead weight — thought it best.

“As you know, folks, I don’t blow my cork.
To the fellow who differs: Hey dork,
If you think you felt pain
When I shut down your lane
You should see what I do with a fork!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Tim James, Byron Ives, Aparna Ray, Johanna Richmond, Daisy Mae Simon, Will T. Laughlin, and Sharon L. Smatusek Harris. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ira Bloom:

In my youth I had cause to go out
With a gal with a merciless pout.
Those lips she would purse
In a manner so terse,
To this day, I can’t look at a trout.

Tim James:

A Congressman liked to make out
With the gals in his office, the lout,
‘Til one day when he met
The girls’ boyfriends. I’ll bet
That he’s learned a new meaning of “clout.”

Byron Ives:

This gal had it all figured it out–
Her sex life had long been a drought:
“I’ll visit a tavern,
“Find meat for my cavern,
“But probably settle for trout.”

Aparna Ray:

A woman was throwing things out:
Belongings, her boyfriend’s (a lout.)
“I’m declutt’ring”, said she,
“Getting rid of debris,
And that sure includes him, without doubt.”

Johanna Richmond, inspired by this news item:

A new natural Prozac’s come out,
One your men-friends are likely to tout.
And you won’t go bone dry
If you blow your supply;
It’s renewable — rarely a drought.

Daisy Mae Simon:

A woman would often go out
With a man with an extra large snout.
And though people would stare,
She just didn’t care
‘Cause in bed she would squeal from its clout.

Will T. Laughlin:

Well, I’m glad that my daughter goes out
With a man who is truly devout.
I looked in on them: He’s
Got her down on her knees…
“God! Oh, God!” I keep hearing him shout.

Sharon L. Smatusek Harris:

As a 60ish woman with clout,
It is not worth my while to go out.
Each “grandpa” expects
That a coffee buys sex
Even though there’s no “spring in his sprout.”

(While Sharon’s limerick uses “out” in line 2 instead of line 1, it made me laugh so much I just had to include it.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (146)

Sunday, January 5th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gardener frequently blows
Lots of money on hoes, hose, and hos.
What’s the kind he likes best?
Well, unlike all the rest,
It’s the one that you can’t buy at Lowe’s.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Though my relatives near come to blows,
And my nightmares are filled with red bows,
And my innocent telly
Now knows Megyn Kelly,
I’m sad after everyone goes!

Congratulations to J Cosmo Newbery, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The brav’ry of someone who blows
On bagpipes, is hard to suppose.
As they pump and exhale
It lets out a high wail–
Like a cat in its final death throes.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

So, this Christmas turned out a bit weird:
Last week’s man in the news with a beard
Wasn’t “god’s only son”
Or “the red suited one,”
But ‘a feller that’s homo afeard.’

Seems he said a few words that were rude
About things some folks do in the nude.
Claimed he’s speaking for god.
That’s the part I found odd.
Not as odd though as what then ensued.

The network said “Good grief, O lord,
By this unchristian speech we’re abhorred.”
But they soon got the news
That this good ol’ boy’s views
With Confederate hearts struck a chord.

In a cowardly turn I believe
The old duck guy was given reprieve.
They said “we don’t hate gays
But it’s clear that what pays
Is to give all you hicks ‘by your leave.’”

Now I can’t say what all this portends.
But it’s time that this limerick ends.
So to Phil who sells bait,
Though your words incite hate
Happy New Year to you and my friends.

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Chris Hansen, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kirk Miller.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Limerick Blows Division” (in random order) Kathy El-Assal, Will T. Laughlin, Bob Dvorak, and John Peter Larkin.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Honorable Mention Winners — “Holiday Limerick Division”

Tim James:

A fellow of whom I’ve heard tell
Doesn’t write Christmas cards very well:
“I wish you and your wife
Ots of ove and ong ife.”
But it fits, in this time of No el.

Fred Bortz:

It’s a Jewish December tradition
To serve meals at the Save-a-Soul Mission,
Then to nosh some Chinese,
Where pork’s kosher — Oh please,
That is NOT the rabbinic position!

Chris Hansen:

Some resolve on the first day of Jan.
To work out, or abstain, or eat bran.
The gyms are awash
With the poor and the posh.
By the tenth they’re all gone, to a man.

Byron Miller:

At the company party this Christmas,
Our boss was a rowdily Pissed Miss,
All smoochy and jolly,
Decked only in holly–-
An under-the-mistletoe-Kissed mess.

Kirk Miller:

At Christmas, what carries some clout
Is mistletoe hanging about.
When I hung some at work,
People said, “Tell me, Kirk,
With mistletoe how’d you make out?”

Honorable Mention Winners — “Limerick Blows Division”

Kathy El-Assal:

From the ship came a loud “There she blows!”
As the white whale from ocean depths rose.
The sea was soon strewn
With crew and harpoon
As Moby de-feeted more foes.

Will T. Laughlin:

We went to “The 400 Blows,”
Which we thought was that film of Truffaut’s.
We found we were wrong:
It starred Annabelle Chong
And four hundred fortunate schmoes.

Bob Dvorak:

A woman who frequently blows
On her horn says her preference it shows.
When asked by a wench
If her horn felt like French
She replied, “Blowing French — la même chose.”

John Peter Larkin:

A woman who’d suffered some blows
From guys whom she thought were her beaus,
Told them all to get lost
In tones filled with frost,
And said their new status was “Foes.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (145)

Sunday, December 22nd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Found a cup at some joker’s yard sale;
Pewter — pierced, so it seemed, by a nail.
When I offered to dicker
He said, read the sticker:
“This goblet’s a real holey grail.”

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

There’s a call girl whose love is for sale
And a jokester who’s hot on her trail.
It’s considered the case
Of the wit and the chase:
He’s the wag who is dogging the tail.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Scott Crowder, John Lawrence Ramos, Fred Bortz, Sancho Panza, Jesse Levy, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A rich guy who’d frequently sail
Lost it all in a stock market fail.
Though it isn’t his wish,
He now guts and cleans fish.
And his sal’ry? He’s working for scale.

Scott Crowder:

A woman went out for a sail
With a fine and appreciative male.
They jibed fore and aft
On the deck and life raft.
His dinghy, she knows in detail.

John Lawrence Ramos:

Ahab Junior, had no urge to sail,
But instead roamed his yard with a pail.
“My old man died at sea,”
He remarked, “but not me—
I’m hunting a tiny white snail.”

Fred Bortz:

Don’t allow Jewish guilt to assail
When your muse moves you outside the pale.
No topic’s off base
Or should cause you disgrace,
Except if your limerick’s stale.

Sancho Panza:

A lady went out for a sail
With a handsome and seafaring male.
She returned on the tide
With the semen inside—
A humpback is more than a whale.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow was pleased with the sale
To a Sheik of his wife in a veil.
Now she can bug him
To go to the gym
And eat dinners made only of kale!

Will T. Laughlin:

The Cap’n decided to sail
Straight into the worst of the gale;
Sighed the mate, “This’ll hap’n
Each time that the Cap’n
Gets into the cargo of ale.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (144)

Sunday, December 15th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the time I’ve grown old, I’ve grown round.
But here’s a dilemma I’ve found:
The young people swear
That I’ve also grown *square*.
The geometry doesn’t seem sound!

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this news-related limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The story is getting around
And it’s bound to offend and dumbfound:
That interpreter guy
At Mandela’s goodbye?
A phony! How very unsound!

Congratulations to Mark Kane and Diane Groothuis, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

We’re eager to both fool around
At a private discreet picnic ground.
So we lie on a table,
Although it’s not stable,
And push past the risks that abound.

Diane Groothuis:

There’s a problem with fooling around
At that somewhat discreet picnic ground.
You forgot about Tom,
The creep peeping scum
Who watches not making a sound.

Mark Kane:

As we rolled onto Tom, round and round,
He then squealed with a very loud sound!
Had he stayed out of sight,
Until day changed to night,
We might well have resumed on the ground.

(This is only a taste of a lengthy picnic limerick exchange on Facebook, including more limericks by Mark and Diane and a limerick by Fred Bortz.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Jon Gearhart,
Kathy El-Assal, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

The Beach Boys sang, “I Get Around.”
It fit with the rest of their sound.
They went, “Wah wa ooo.”
Yeah, their lyrics were poo.
No one claimed they were ever profound.

Fred Bortz:

The limerick judge came around,
Saw my bribe, and declared I’d be crowned.
But I didn’t ponder
Her double entendre
‘Til her clop on my kopf did resound.

Tim James:

Rush Limbaugh is running around
Spouting nothing but fury and sound.
In view of his “talents”
The budget would balance
If bullsh*t were taxed by the pound.

Sue Dulley, whose limerick relates to this news item:

“Some women whose contours are round
In yoga pants should not be found.”
Goodbye Mr Chip!
This shot from your hip
Was by any stretch rather unsound.

Jon Gearhart:

The circus fat lady is round.
Her walking can punish the ground.
She’ll rise to great fame.
Rotunda’s her name.
Makes tons cause she’s paid by the pound.

Kathy El-Assal:

Affluenza is going around
Amongst those with a wealthy background.
Its symptoms? Not caring,
Great riches not sharing,
And finding that Ayn Rand’s profound.

Will T. Laughlin:

Sarah Palin? Why’s she still around?
She opens her mouth to expound,
And the nonsense spills out
In a meaningless rout,
Like a car never fully unclowned.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (143)

Sunday, December 8th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to John Peter Larkin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow who’d frequently crab
Complained that his life was too drab.
Though he wasn’t too bright,
I’d say he was right.
Cuz even his house was pre-fab.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Said Brutus, “I don’t mean to crab,
But, dear Caesar, your toga is drab.
You need someone who knows
How to pick out your clothes.
Would you mind if I gave it a stab?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Kathy El-Assal, John Lawrence Ramos, Chris Doyle, Fred Bortz, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Steve Whitred:

A gal who was rather a crab
In the bedroom was totally fab.
So, despite all her grousing,
We did so much ‘spousing’
That grey shaded novel seemed drab.

Kathy El-Assal:

Like lobster, its cousin the crab
Is a gourmet delight, so chefs nab
These seafood crustaceans
For bisque-like creations
So rest’rants can soup up their tab.

John Lawrence Ramos:

Three bedbugs, two lice and a crab
Convened for a post-feeding gab.
One thought he had seen
A new tick on their teen,
But turned out, it was only a scab.

Chris Doyle

I’m a gal who does not like to crab,
But your ad said your body was fab.
So explain to me how
What I’m looking at now
Is a guy with a six-pack of flab.

Fred Bortz:

They added the genes of a crab
To a Doberman’s eggs in the lab.
Now here is the clincher:
That dog bore a “Pincher”
With claws on its paws that could grab.

Byron Miller:

He moves sideways at night, like a crab,
While he’s looking for prey he can nab.
So don’t walk home alone;
He’s a dog; you’re the bone;
And he’s quick with his gift of the grab.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (142)

Sunday, December 1st, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to John Lawrence Ramos, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A colonial thief took a fall
When caught with a big sphagnum haul.
He was trying to clear
A large debt to Revere.
In short, he robbed peat to pay Paul.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On a dark, dreary midnight one fall,
He awoke to a scavenger’s call.
But wouldn’t you know it,
That second-rate poet
Never heard, “Nevermore!” Not at all!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, John Lawrence Ramos, Will T. Laughlin, Chris Doyle, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

I’ve been seeing this girl since last fall.
In the bedroom, she sure does it all!
I’m one testicle shy
But I still can’t deny
That this gal is the Belle of the Ball.

John Lawrence Ramos:

A progressive young man took a fall
When he tripped on a curb at the mall.
He felt like a cad,
For he hated to add
To the problem of more urban sprawl.

Will T. Laughlin:

The Knowledge that came from the Fall
Was not what’s reported at all.
‘Twasn’t Evil and Good;
Rather, both understood
Adam’s penis was laughably small.

Chris Doyle:

A great deli has had a great fall,
Serving meats now that truly appall.
Their pastrami, paté,
And corned beef all dismay.
And their wurst? It’s the worst of them all!

Craig Dykstra:

When the debutante took a bad fall,
The resulting unladylike sprawl
Made it clear in a flash
That the “belle” of that bash
Wasn’t even a lady at all!

Will T. Laughlin:

A boy had a terrible fall –
In the fountain he fell in a sprawl
(For this is what comes
From doing one’s sums
While walking on top of a wall).

Whatever the future may bring,
We’ve now seen a marvelous thing:
I think you’ll agree
How rare it must be
For a summer to fall in the spring!

Johanna Richmond:

Submissions on holidays fall,
While you geniuses shop at the mall.
Just WATCH how I slip in
And give you a whippin’.
You can’t put a price on sheer gall.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (141)

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

If you’re tired at the wheel, I suggest
That you stop at a trooper’s behest.
And if ordered to nap,
Don’t refuse, because . . . zap!
You’ll be tased for resisting a rest.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

I know I just said, not in jest,
That I planned to give lim’ricks a rest,
But that promise won’t mute me:
I’m back! OK, shoot me—
I’m wearing my bullet-proof vest.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) John Lawrence Ramos, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Johanna Richmond, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

John Lawrence Ramos:

At the diner, a man would ingest
His romaine without pants, shirt or vest;
When the waitress looked pained,
He politely explained
He preferred his green salad undressed.

Brenda Bryant:

A woman was speaking in jest
When she said, “All my sins are confessed.”
She’d forgotten a few.
That’s what girls tend to do
When their past simply can’t pass the test.

Chris Doyle:

A beekeeper tells me in jest
That he plans, when he’s laid to his rest,
To give all that he owns
To his Queen and her drones,
Thus completing his final bee-quest.

Steve Whitred:

I once knew a girl who’d suggest
She was better in bed than the rest.
I said “Don’t mean to boast,
But I’m better than most.
We should challenge ourselves to a test!”

Johanna Richmond:

Don’t you hate it when folks say,”I jest!”
After putting your pride to the test?
Hell, “I Jest!” just won’t do
When “How was it for you?”
Is rejoined by “You looked better dressed!”

Craig:

My gal went out joggin’ but jest
Wasn’t close to approprit’ly dressed.
Guys would run along side her
As soon as they spied her—
‘Cause her top failed at keepin’ abreast.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!