Archive for the ‘Limerick Award Winners’ Category

Limerick of the Week (206)

Saturday, March 21st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I’ve been lost in the desert all day,
And my clothes are beginning to fray.
Now the vulture team dips,
And they’re smacking their lips
As the biggest one quips “Let us prey.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

Those folks cause my temper to fray,
Who claim it’s a choice to be gay.
But I’ll lower my voice:
Being dumb is no choice,
And you can’t pray the Stupid away.

Kevin Ahern:

A sex-changing Swede in the fray
Said the surgery all went OK.
This ex-woman wrote
In a notable quote
“I sure wasn’t Bjorn yesterday.”

Brian Allgar:

The skydiver found with dismay
That his chute was beginning to fray.
It was no use at all
When he entered free fall,
And he ended his dive as purée.

Fred Bortz:

I’ve been watching my good nature fray
As climate deniers delay.
That Tea Party faction
Blocks government action.
All we need, they profess, is to pray.

Dave Johnson:

He insisted on having his way,
And her nerves were beginning to fray.
So she said “OK, fine
Then you pick the wine;
But please, no more boxed Chardonnay!”

Byron Ives:

We met at a Waikiki fray.
I fetched us Mai Tais right away.
She said with a wink,
“Gee, thanks for the drink.
I suppose you’re expecting a lei?”

And congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Does the thought of a nuclear fray
On your mind ever heavily weigh?
To allay your concern
It might help if you learn
From a story I’d like to convey.

We were close, in a land far away
To a plan that Iran would obey.
But before they could sign
The proverbial line
Junior Cotton stepped into the fray.

Cotton’s hope was to cause a delay
Or to side-track, unsettle, and fray
Global nuclear talks
While congressional hawks
Rattle sabers and bluster and bray.

Junior Cotton contends by the way
That the presidency is passé,
That a deal with ‘The Chief’
Would be worthless and brief
And in statecraft the Senate holds sway.

But his stupid seditious display
Caused the Tea Party caucus to fray.
And while they’re walking back
His subversive attack
Saner statesmen will Kerry the day.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (205)

Saturday, March 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny acrostic limerick:

Plutocracy claims wealth’s a prize,
Rewarding hard work. It’s all lies:
In fact, many show
Zero skill making dough,
Except when a relative dies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Dave Johnson, Allen Wilcox, Brian Allgar, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James, whose limerick is directed to a Benjamin Franklin quote:

Mr. Franklin, you need to apprise
Ev’ry man: if he’s early to rise
After early to bed,
He’s got rocks in his head
’Cause his lady will date other guys.

Dave Johnson:

She thought she might win the big prize
On that show with those glamorous guys.
But a singer she ain’t;
Her voice blistered paint.
Now she’s back once again serving fries.

Allen Wilcox:

All members of Congress must rise
To show that they know that it’s wise
To continue all fights
For strong civil rights,
By keeping their ayes on the prize.

Brian Allgar:

Dr. Spooner said: “I must apprise
My detractors – your jokes are unwise.
I tell you,” he grumbled,
“My stung never tumbled;
It’s all been a great lack of pies.”

Fred Bortz:

He cannot believe what he spies.
What a rack, what great ankles and thighs!
But the view from behind
Is what’s blowing his mind.
Callipygian gals win the prize!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (204)

Saturday, March 7th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I’ve a fetish for moisture: a moat,
Or some pond, or a pool gets my vote.
Any sex is way better
When things are way wetter;
It’s water that’s floating my boat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

It’s with sorrow I send you this note.
The repairmen has said and I quote,
“The TV’s in danger;
With no channel changer
Its recovery chance is remote.”

Fred Bortz:

Santorum is known to emote,
“First man-on-man, then man-on-goat!”
Said a goatherd named Thomas,
“If that is a promise,
Then Rick will be getting my vote!”

Brian Allgar:

The actress could never emote;
On the screen, she recited by rote.
But the girl was no slouch
On the old casting-couch,
So they chose her by popular vote.

Colleen Murphy:

My five-year old left us a note:
“I’m heading to places remote
Cause father and mother
You gave me a brother
And no one considered my vote.”

Allen Wilcox:

With chances of winning remote,
The head of the party took note,
“Put away all your tissues;
Can’t win on the issues,
So let’s try suppressing the vote.”

Scott Crowder:

I asked her last night and I quote,
“Where the hell is that fucking remote?”
It soon came to pass,
It’s so far up my ass,
I change channels by clearing my throat.

Will T. Laughlin:

We got in our vessel to float
Far away to an island remote
Where there’s no damned TV.
Hold it — who’s this I see?
Is that Gilligan? BACK TO THE BOAT!

Steve Whitred:

She said “Dear, we’ve become so remote,
And I fear on the nanny you dote.”
He said “Darling, I swear
I’ve not touched the Au Pair,
But I have been beguiled by the goat.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (203)

Saturday, February 21st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

An agent with humor too droll
Has been dumped and is out on the dole.
Ninety-nine and The Chief
Are both filled with relief
To know Maxwell is out of control.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Edward von Muir, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

At the bridge I expected a troll,
But two beautiful gals took the role
Of collecting the fare.
Who’s in charge over there?
You should ask not for whom the belles toll.

Edward von Muir:

While driving my Nissan Patrol,
I hit, near the boreal pole,
Some old geezer in red,
And I left him for dead,
So for Christmas I only got coal.

Colleen Murphy:

The guard on the bridge was a troll.
He told me he wanted my soul,
But I said, “It’s too late!
Valentino, my mate,
Has already levied that toll.”

Jon Gearhart:

South Korea, right after patrol,
I went into this watering hole.
I told tales and had drinks.
They served food that I think’s
Best summed up as the filly of Seoul.

Brian Allgar:

The golfer was built like a troll
And a fine hole in one was his goal.
But he fumbled the stunt,
And the player in front
Told him “Ouch! You’re in quite the wrong hole!”

Will T. Laughlin:

Don’t respond to the Internet Troll:
If you do, he’ll succeed in his goal.
To his lair in the deep
CAPS-LOCH Ness he will creep,
Bearing with him a piece of your soul.

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh joy. I’ve defeated the Troll,
And discovered a magical scroll.
Though my character’s plungin’
Deep into the dungeon,
My love life’s a much deeper hole.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (202)

Saturday, February 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“Can you tell me,” the funnyman quips
(A self-satisfied smirk on his lips,
And with giggles a-boil),
“Why the moon’s like a mohel?
’Cause ’e goes to your son, and ’e clips!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Scott Crowder, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The plumber used solder and clips,
And wrenches and pliers and grips.
He made quite a racket,
And charged me a packet,
But STILL that confounded tap drips.

Tim James:

Her co-workers suck: They eclipse
Bright ideas from anyone’s lips.
A collection of hacks!
Like a bowl full of snacks,
This poor gal is surrounded by dips.

Byron Miller:

Mid-movie she gets up and skips
To the snack bar for chocolaty chips.
As she passes the screen
She then adds to the scene
The effect of a lunar eclipse.

Brian Allgar:

The gambler has run out of chips,
And his bill-folds are just empty clips.
“Can I wager with sex?
She’s as stacked as your decks,
And you’re welcome to poker,” he quips.

Scott Crowder:

She slowly removes her hair clips
And sensuously gyrates and strips,
Yet causes him worry;
If she doesn’t hurry,
He’ll finish before he unzips.

Will T. Laughlin:

The thrills of Las Vegas eclipse
Good sense and economy. Trips
For a Teachers’ Convention
Too often to mention
Turn into “Goodbye, Mr. Chips.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (201)

Saturday, February 7th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A race home between tortoise and hare
Is essentially not very fair.
Though the hare is quite quick,
It’s a shell game. That prick,
The tortoise, is already there!

Congratulations to JONATHAN JENSEN, on winning the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:

When I look at the gray in my hair,
I never give way to despair.
Though I long for a ’do
With a more youthful hue,
I’m mostly just glad it’s still there.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Lisi Ardissone, Konrad Schwoerke, Byron Ives, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Val Fish, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

For the fancy-dress ride, what to wear?
Her husband said “Go as a bear.”
But Godiva misheard,
So she mounted and spurred
And rode forth wearing only her hair.

Colleen Murphy:

Said the hunter, “I won fair and square
And with no double-counting, I swear.
It is not a mistake.
When they tallied my take,
They told me I’d won by a hare.”

Lisi Ardissone:

I altered the shade of my hair
To give it a little more flair.
When my husband came home,
He said, “Oh, Marone!
Are you planning to have an affair?”

Konrad Schwoerke:

A new ’do? Why the hell would I care
What you do to your own freakin’ hair?
Though I do wish you’d learn
That my only concern
Is it’s not an obstruction down there.

Byron Ives:

She sported long, sexy, blonde hair
And worked at the fresh produce fair.
I reckoned her peaches
Were out of my reaches,
But jeepers, she had a nice pear!

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

With a toss of her silvery hair,
She said to him: “Now then, mon cher;
While we wait for your phallus
To go and Cialis,
There’s much you can do below there.”

Val Fish:

Last night, I shaved off all my hair.
No, not on my head, but ‘down there.’
When faced with the sight,
My hubby took flight.
My bald patch was too bare to bear.

Allen Wilcox:

The fruit vendor’s wife was a bear:
“Shape up and get out of my hair.”
He took it in stride,
Although, puzzled, he sighed,
“But why did she say ‘get a pear?’”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (200)

Saturday, January 31st, 2015

It’s time to announce the TWO-HUNDREDTH Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to PATRICE STEWART A/K/A PATRICE OF THE MANYCATS, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The crew was refusing to clap
For the actors and muttered, “What crap.
We feel sick – lunch was bad!
We’re not sure what we had.”
And were told, with disgust, “It’s a wrap.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
Scott Crowder:

A gal heard a thunderous clap
And felt something warm in her lap.
She’d found, so it seems,
The man of her dreams,
But sadly, awoke from her nap.

Colleen Murphy:

I really had wanted to clap
When the speaker stopped moving her yap,
But her speech was so boring
I guess I was snoring.
She’d lectured me into a nap.

Jon Gearhart:

Sherlock Holmes was inspecting the gap
Twixt the legs of yo mama when, “Snap!”
Her legs clamped around him.
That’s where Watson found him;
He died in “The Case of the Clap.”

Brian Allgar:

“How on earth did I pick up the clap?”
She beseeched a young medical chap.
“If you really don’t know,”
He said, “Well, let me show
You this human anatomy map.”

Fred Bortz:

Said Ludwig, “Four notes make a clap
Of thunderous fate that will wrap
Your soul in a tower
Of musical power.”
Said his musical rival, “What crap!”

Tim James:

A paradigm shift’s when you scrap
All your old preconceptions as crap.
With Mad’s new rhymes appearing,
It’s akin to my hearing
Rice Krispies go pock, snapple, clap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

It’s considered uncultured to clap
At the symphony during a gap.
When the fiddlers pause
Just hold your applause
And don’t wake me up from my nap.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (199)

Saturday, January 24th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was trying to pass
A lass who was swinging her ass
Side to side (super-sized).
He was quite hipnotized,
And his privates went public en masse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Scott Crowder, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

For my birthday, my son bought a pass
To go fishing. They stock them en masse.
They’ll replaice what you like.
We caught walleye, carp, pike,
But they cut us off, right at the bass.

Colleen Murphy:

A student who struggled to pass
Had trouble with volume and mass.
“Fill it in, fill it up?
Is it pounds or a cup?
I’m too dense for this matter, alas.”

Scott Crowder:

A man made an unfruitful pass
At a gal in his calculus class.
And now he knows why
When you’re solving for pie,
You don’t want to mention her mass.

Jon Gearhart:

When a quarterback drops back to pass,
The refs need a spy on his ass
To make sure that his balls
Are the right size. If all’s
Not the same, they’ve been letting off gas!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A fellow who made a lewd pass
Has confirmed for his wife he’s an ass
And a two-timing prick,
So she severs his dick–
Now it lies, like a snake, in the grass.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (198)

Sunday, January 18th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man fell in love with a tart
@ lonely dot com backslash heart.
He craved her affection,
Yet used no protection,
And now his computer won’t start.

Congratulations to Allen Wilcox on winning the Limerick Saga Award for his clever 3-verser:

A man fell in love with a tart
Who thought that tattooing was art.
He, being quite daft,
Let her practice her craft
And proceed on his most private part.

As you might well imagine, the tart
Needed firmness before she could start.
So she used an injection
For proper erection
And pain pills brought in by the cart.

Her masterpiece finished, the tart
Explained that her tatting might smart,
And whenever he “sinned,”
He would always break wind,
Which made it a true work of fart.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ron B., Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The waitress had brought him a tart,
But Count Dracula fancied her heart.
So although at this venue
Blood’s not on the menu,
He just served himself à la carte.

Ron B.:

A fellow had picked up a tart
– At least so he thought at the start –
Until gasping for air
He announced with despair,
“’Twas a quiche with an art…uh…choke heart.”

Jon Gearhart:

Are philosophers’ words sweet or tart?
“I think so I am,” said Descartes.
Berkeley said, “If I am,
So is God.” “Life’s a sham.
Yes, it is. No it’s not.”– Jean-Paul Sartre.

Colleen Murphy:

If ever you’re dating a tart,
Precaution with sex would be smart.
You don’t know where she’s been.
To ignore’d be akin
To battling a gun with a dart.

Fred Bortz:

Marge Simpson was baking a tart
For Homer and Lisa and Bart.
She cried out, “Oh, no!
I’ve no yeast for the d’oh.”
But at least it gave Pesach a start.

Ron B.

Men madly will fall for a tart
Who, shallow of mind and of heart,
Will claim her vows taken
Have long been forsaken
By death never doing its part.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (197)

Saturday, January 10th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ron B., who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Now as moss, I was “boss,” but as peat
I’m just rotting away in the heat
Till I’m bagged to be spread
On a vegetable bed
And be treated like dirt by a beet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Diane Groothuis, Jon Gearhart, Ron B., Marty McCullen, Kirk Miller, John Peter Larkin, Brian Allgar, and Allen Wilcox.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A fellow who loved to compete
Took a teacher to bed, quite a feat.
He was drunk. ’Twas unwise,
For he couldn’t arise.
So she graded his work “Incomplete.”

Diane Groothuis:

A gardener needed some peat,
So he went to a house down the street,
Asked a housewife in red
“Can I get in your bed?”
She replied, “You can leave tout de suite.”

Jon Gearhart:

At long last, she was set to compete
With her flower beds fin’ly complete.
All top ribbons she’d take.
When asked, “How, for Pete’s sake?”
She replied it’s cuz SHE forsakes peat!

Ron B.:

A fellow who loved to compete
In races he couldn’t complete
Just entered to stare
At each cute derriere
He gladly chose not to defeat.

Marty McCullen:

A gardener needed some peat
From property just down the street,
So he set about tasking
Without even asking.
He’s now in a small jailhouse suite.

Kirk Miller:

Manufacturers always compete
At a watch-making industry meet.
It should not be a shock
That they all watch the clock.
It’s a race against Timex, quite neat.

John Peter Larkin:

Don’t laugh, but I plan to compete
in your upcoming track and field meet.
I know I’ll prevail.
No way I can fail,
’Cause there’s no one as good as a cheat.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker refused to compete
In the beef-eating contest’s last heat.
She explained “It was fun
For a while, but I’m done –
I’ve had more than enough of jerked meat.”

Allen Wilcox:

Lim’rick contests tempt all to compete.
The meter has rules you must meet.
If you don’t take the time
To make sure that you rhyme,
Mad will throw you right out on the street.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (196)

Saturday, January 3rd, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

There’s a cop with a dog that is mine
At my door, which could be a bad sign.
“By the roadside,” he said,
“Dog gave birth.” Why my dread?
I’ll be getting a littering fine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

This new hot, kinky girlfriend of mine
Has a fetish for feet, which is fine.
She likes squatting on toes,
And you’re right to suppose
That for her I’ll be toeing the line.

Colleen Murphy:

A well-to-do uncle of mine
Still active at aged ninety-nine
Finds women adore him;
For dates they implore him,
Allured by his big dollar sign.

Sue Dulley:

The depths of my psyche I’ll mine;
I’ll even resort to red wine
To dredge up a verse,
Be it florid or terse,
With an actual rhyme in each line.

Jon Gearhart:

If I had a big diamond mine,
I’d make your life truly divine.
If our love life went daft,
I’d get stuck with the shaft,
But my rocks would remain wholly thine.

Byron Miller:

“My diction’s just fine, in the mine,”
Thought Eliza, repeating her line:
“Dr. Iggins’ all weht,
And I’ll mike you a beht
That it doh even rine up in Spine.”

Allen Wilcox:

“I play football. My future is mine.
My knowledge of logic is fine.
I now will give voice
To my difficult choice;
I’ll either resign or re-sign.”

Tim James:

At times, sweet indulgence is mine;
With a French gal I get to entwine.
It’s always a pleasure,
No matter the measure.
(In metric, it’s still sixty-nine.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (195)

Saturday, December 27th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A panda, with gun, chowed down peas
From a waitress, then shot at her knees,
Gnashed a bug in his fur,
Then left in a blur.
In essence, he eats, shoots, and fleas?

Congratulations to Mark Kane and Byron Ives, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

Hot, spicy, wasabi-dried peas
With some cold icy sake might ease
My fair, fussy spouse
To unbutton her blouse,
And let me proceed as I please.

Byron Ives:

So you think hot, wasabi-dried peas
Will get you in good with your squeeze?
A PajamaGram, dude,
Will set the right mood.
Add good scotch and enjoy the striptease!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Kathy El-Assal, Carolyn Henly, Ron B., Steve Whitred, Tim James, and Jon Gearhart, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The hiker had tried to appease
A ravenous tiger with cheese,
But the tiger said, “No.
I’d much rather go
With the man and his hand if you please.”

Kathy El-Assal:

“NRA types are hard to appease,”
Said a pacifist sending out pleas.
Trading humor for guns,
He resorted to puns:
“Your aim should be shooting the breeze!”

Carolyn Henly:

An old printer ran short on his p’s,
But the fruit man he wanted to please.
So he turned all aroun’
And then flipped upside down
And spelled “apple” by using two d’s.

Ron B.:

A mom told her kids, “Eat your peas.
Don’t let them roll down on your knees.
Don’t mash them to mush,
Don’t slash them to slush,
And swallow them first, if you sneeze!”

Steve Whitred:

To my daughters I said “Eat your peas,
Use your manners; say thank you and please.
Always pull your own weight,
And when out on a date
Clasp a quarter real tight with your knees.”

Tim James:

With soft words I will try to appease
My drunk gun-totin’ neighbor, ’cause he’s
Seeing Martians advance
As pink elephants dance.
He’s outside right now, shooting the breeze.

Jon Gearhart:

When Santa sets forth to appease
The kids of the world with gifts, he’s
Said to fly in his sleigh
For the length of a day
And give good kids all gifts with great ease.

I think that the reason that he’s
Been able to do this with ease
Is that most kids are naughty
With mouths spouting potty;
Thus, no gifts delivered to these!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (194)

Saturday, December 20th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ALLEN WILCOX, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A teller of tales hit a snag
When one tale made his audience gag.
From then on he was screwed,
Because everyone booed.
’Twas a case where the tale dogged the wag.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) C. Adams, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Matt Regan, Andy Bassett, Byron Ives, and Ron B. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

C. Adams:

A man told his boss, “There’s a snag.
Our servers are starting to lag.
We must pull all the plugs!
Our site selling ‘thick rugs’
Is confused by men wanting a ‘shag!’”

Kathy El-Assal:

Her plans to win votes hit a snag,
Cuz her rival would bluster and brag
Of deeds patriotic
And clearly psychotic,
Then wrap himself up in the flag.

Brian Allgar:

Absent-mindedness can be a snag;
My penis is wrapped in a flag,
And it’s tied in a knot,
To remind me of what? –
Oh, yes – must remember to shag.

Robert Schechter:

My zipper got caught on a snag
When I zigged when I wanted to zag,
And my member popped free
For the whole world to see
As it waved in the wind like a flag.

Matt Regan:

An engineer managed to snag
A ball-gown about which she’d brag:
“I knew in a minute
I’d look perfect in it
With my low co-efficient of drag.”

Andy Bassett:

A man told his boss “There’s a snag –
When you stepped out last night for a drag
Your phrasing so British
Made statesiders skittish,
Cuz you asked the desk clerk for a ‘fag.’”

Byron Ives:

Our golf outing hit a small snag;
Big Stu collapsed tending the flag.
Now what should we do?
We hit, then lugged Stu–
The rest of the round was a drag.

Ron B.:

A brash woman who managed to snag
A young farmer who majored in “Ag”
Said she gladly would yield
To his plow in her field,
If he kept all his seed in the bag.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (193)

Sunday, December 14th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The hooker was playing her grand
While caressing her customer’s gland.
When he asked “How d’you do it?”
She said “Nothing to it –
It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Ives, C. Adams, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Richard Diakun, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, Ron B., and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Ives:

He told her he’d charge just a grand
For a castle, built just as she planned.
She scowled, “You’re a leech,
Get off of this beach!
Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”

C. Adams:

A woman had hopes that were grand.
Get rich, that is what she had planned.
She became a celeb,
From some pics on the web.
I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.

Fred Bortz:

To Creationists, mankind is grand.
At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
But I say if it’s true
We’re the best God can do
Then the deity needs to re-brand.

Robert Schechter:

There’s just one piano, the grand,
Upon which I’d deign lay a hand.
Don’t think for a minute
I’d play a damn spinet.
Such keyboards are banned from my band.

Richard Diakun:

I owed my old bookie nine grand
The games didn’t go as I planned
Now, Tony wants bank
Or his boys break my crank–
It’s useless since they broke my hand!

Will T. Laughlin, for his acrostic limerick:

“We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
Have decided to NOT reprimand.
In fact, you might say
That we functioned today
Exactly the way we were planned.”

Colleen Murphy:

He claimed the ring cost him a grand.
“The finest in all of the land.”
But I felt some distrust
When is started to rust
And it left a green mark on my hand.

Ron B., for his “No Grander Philanderer:”

A man whose delusions were grand
expected that just as he planned
his wife and his lover
would gladly discover
that neither could meet his demand.

Konrad Schwoerke:

“For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
“No, oblivion’s best;
I don’t want to be stressed.”
So I buried his head in the sand.

And congratulations to Jon Gearhart and Jonathan Jensen, who jointly win a special Political Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Jon Gearhart:

Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
With one foot in his mouth,
His head stuffed up down south,
Still golfing and leading our land!

Jonathan Jensen:

Oh, political potshots are grand,
But your mindset I don’t understand.
It’s not “44″
Who took us to war
And laid waste to a far distant land.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (192)

Sunday, December 7th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At work, I’m surrounded by brains.
With an ardor that none of them feigns,
They read Einstein and Bohr,
Stephen Hawking and more,
Whereas my speed is more Dick and Jane’s.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Craig Dykstra, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A zombie who eats people’s brains
Makes sure they are not mixed with grains.
He may be undead,
But he still can’t eat bread,
So a gluten-free guy he remains.

Robert Schechter:

A fellow with plenty of brains,
Economist John Maynard Keynes,
Famously said
‘In the long run we’re dead,’
So be glad that the short run remains.

Brian Allgar:

Today, I am using my brains
Elsewhere than on rhymes and refrains,
For although it’s not funny,
The “day job” makes money,
Which cannot be said of Mad Kane’s.

Tim James:

A man who was more brawn than brains,
To “improve” his appearance took pains
To remove all his hair
As his weight he would pare.
To sum up, then: he waxes and wanes.

Sue Dulley:

If athletes donated their brains
Concussion research could make gains,
So when you depart
Please hand over your heart
And those other remaining remains.

Craig Dykstra:

I’ve been missin’ a gal who’s got brains
‘Cause her head’s filled with clever quatrains,
Also lovely haiku
Plus a lim’rick or two.
Whose brains you say? Madeleine Kane’s!

Konrad Schwoerke:

I get sick when I eat someone’s brains.
Though I puke, all their knowledge remains.
I make billions of dollars
From munching on scholars;
So what if they’re ill-gotten gains?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (191)

Sunday, November 30th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT BASLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Oh honey, please look at my butt.
Does this dress make it bigger, or what?
But before you reply
I am armed, which is why
You shouldn’t just go with your gut.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Kathy El-Assal, Byron Ives, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

There were no ifs or ands, just a but
(With only one “t”– this ain’t smut!),
But an editor’s threat
Made me change it to “yet”
And the but was accordingly cut.

Brian Allgar:

Sarah Palin is often the butt
Of deriders who think she’s a nut.
Though she has, it is true,
A one-figure IQ,
Her mouth is quite cute – when it’s shut.

Fred Bortz:

A billy goat shows he can butt,
While a peacock will swagger and strut,
But a macho man here
Will just guzzle his beer
And display his protuberant gut.

Kathy El-Assal:

Derrière is just one word for butt.
Of synonyms there are a glut:
Ass, tochus and heinie
(Bodacious to tiny)
Be cheeky, don’t fall in a rut!

Byron Ives:

Life is sometimes a kick in the butt,
And for most, it’s just not that clear cut.
Oh, sure, you can prove
You’re in a great groove,
And then wonder, is this groove a rut?

Tim James:

A guy had a pain in the butt
When, surprised in the midst of a rut
By the gal’s jealous man,
He got shot in the can,
Thus depriving this cock of his strut.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (190)

Saturday, November 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The Republicans now see the light!
Executive orders aren’t right!
Yet when I remind them
That Ron Reagan signed them,
They answer, “But Reagan was white!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Robert Basler, Jon Gearhart, Konrad Schwoerke, and Fred Bortz, for his four-verse science saga. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A criminal pun came to light
When a bedbug decided one night
To hold a church wedding
Right there in the bedding:
An example of mite making rite.

Colleen Murphy:

“The trouble with traveling light
Is I won’t know which outfit is right,”
Said my daughter while packing.
No clothes was she lacking,
As she filled up two bags for one night.

Brian Allgar:

Though his needs for nutrition were light,
The vampire felt peckish that night,
And invited a maid
Who had foolishly strayed:
“My dear, do you fancy a bite?”

Robert Schechter:

My girlfriend is so impolite!
In the course of one glorious night
Of unbridled ardor,
She said, “Were it harder,
Perhaps you’d be doing it right.”

Robert Basler:

A music motif that is leit
Is a common Wagnerian sight.
It’s a theme that’s recurring
In opera, all during–
If you miss it, you can’t be too bright.

Jon Gearhart:

A damp cellar can make the heart light
As an entymological site
For a group that elects
To study in sects
With their peers, a combined show of mite.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Our waitress is such a delight,
But the diners are sometimes a fright.
One tried copping a feel;
Now he’s wearing his meal,
So we think she has served the guy right.

Fred Bortz:

Though Planck’s math used quanta of light,
He still did not think that was right.
Young showed light behaves
Exactly like waves.
Then Maxwell’s math made that case tight.

Herr Einstein, of course, saw the light:
In photoelectrics, you might
Need only one quantum
(Or more if you want ‘em)
To eject an electron. That’s right!

Then deBroglie declared that if light
Is both wavelike and grainy, you might
Find electrons the same,
And when Schrödinger came,
We saw Quantum Mechanics take flight.

Though limericks make this tale light,
The science behind it is quite
A profound undertaking
And foundation-shaking.
That’s why we call physicists bright.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (189)

Sunday, November 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

His feathery ass was at stake,
And about to get reamed in the lake:
“Get off of my back,
You near-sighted quack.
I’m not a damn hen, I’m a drake!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

I was trying to swallow the steak
For the love of my marriage’s sake.
But my teeth couldn’t weather
The texture of leather.
It’s one thing I just couldn’t fake!

Brian Allgar:

A fellow was driving a stake
Through Count Dracula’s heart – piece of cake! -
When he felt – what the heck? –
A sharp pain in his neck.
“Surprise!” said the Count, “I’m awake!”

Robert Schechter:

As a vegan, I never eat steak.
But I also hate “meat” that is fake.
At dinner I’m left
Feeling hungry, bereft,
Till dessert when I fill up on cake.

Jon Gearhart:

With the fate of the world’s oil at stake,
We attacked the Mideast. Now we take
Our time to help build
Up new business. They’re thrilled
When we ask, “You want fries with that, Shaik?”

Allen Wilcox:

Eve and Adam were munching on steak,
When along came a devilish snake.
When his fruit they dismissed,
It grew angry and hissed,
“Oh, please take a bite for God’s sake.”

Tim James:

I dine her on lobster and steak
While her eyes flash a lust that’s not fake.
Then she promises more
As her clothes hit the floor.
And at that exact moment — I wake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (188)

Saturday, November 8th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I hear that this tavern serves grub,
So I’d rather go find a new pub.
Though I’m thoroughly drunk,
And I’m not a damned punk,
Eating larvae is something I snub.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mary JeTrois, Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Tim James, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Mary JeTrois:

At midday I stopped for some grub
At my neighborhood griller and pub.
I said, “How is your meat,
So spicy and sweet?”
He responded, “Therein lies the rub.”

Colleen Murphy:

My father tried making some grub
After spending all night in the pub,
And it’s true that some Comet
Will cause you to vomit,
As he used it as cheese on his sub.

Brian Allgar:

I was feeling in need of some grub,
So I strolled to my neighboring pub.
But the food was no good,
I was chewing on wood;
The “club sandwich” was made from a club.

Tim James:

A guy, sitting down for some grub,
Said, “Is this thing a hero, or sub?
Or a po’ boy? I’ve heard
It’s a ‘hoagie.’ Strange word.”
It’s a *sandwich*. Just eat it, you schlub.

Robert Schechter:

To wash down my dinnertime grub
I stopped in at a fine Irish pub
Where the Guinness I downed
Made a sizzling sound
As I sprayed it out back in the shrub.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (187)

Saturday, November 1st, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON IVES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At the clinic there’s been a big switch,
Cuz the doc’s sense of humor is rich:
A sign on a shelf
Boldly reads: SUTURE SELF,
And patients go home in a stitch.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Konrad Schwoerke, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

Some nights when I turn on the switch
To lighten a room dark as pitch,
I see a bulb die
Although “long life” I buy–
A premature seven-year glitch.

Brian Allgar:

My computer? I off/on the switch
Every time there’s a Microsoft glitch.
Their software’s so poor
That I’ve never been sure
How Bill Gates got disgustingly rich.

Colleen Murphy:

The surgeon decided to switch
To coffee a little less rich.
The upside was there
As it kept him aware.
The downside: it caused him to twitch.

Konrad Schwoerke wrote:

At this point in my life, I should switch
To a healthier diet (less rich).
But to make a fresh start
Would require more heart,
So I shop Abercrombie and Fitch.

Allen Wilcox:

A warlock was planning to switch
To a gal who seemed nice, from a bitch–
But identical twins!
Well, on needles and pins,
He couldn’t tell which witch was which.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!