It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
The Success Model Two will impress
As it draws out the pits with finesse.
It will not bruise the fruit,
And it’s quiet to boot,
’Cause nothing sucks seeds like Success!
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ANGER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
My wife and my best friend in bed!
In my anger, I shot them both dead,
Then I buried them deep
In my composting heap.
Now my garden is very well fed.
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Pedro Poitevin, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRESS” RHYME DIVISION)
His bright “Hallelujahs” impress,
But his musical flair and finesse
Truly can’t hold a candle
To how George can “Handel”
D major, his key to success.
Now I really must clean and must press
My good suit ’cause it’s clearly a mess!
Gotta have it by noon,
Better be ready soon,
Or I’ll have to start wearing a dress!
All aboard! It’s the Quantum Express
Where the route’s well-defined, more or less,
’Til you pass through the tunnel.
And then what you’ve done’ll
Be just a statistical guess.
A novitiate tried to express
Her regret, for she’d made quite a mess.
She had made it a habit
To kill off the rabbit.
She cried, but she’s gone, nuntheless.
Those bastards who cynically mess
With your head, causing untold distress,
Spreading lies, propaganda,
False rumours and slander,
Are collectively known as “The Press.”
I ask for a threesome and “Yes,”
My wife and her friend acquiesce.
Then I notice my mood—
God, I’ve shrunk like a prude!
Now I’m anxious, I guess, to impress.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANGER LIMERICK DIVISION)
Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:
The rage in today’s GOP
Rots the party’s insides. We can see
Ugly insults fly thick.
Might a small, stubby dick
Prompt such crap? No, his brain is what’s wee.
I’m thinking divorce, I’m so mad:
To rekindle the romance we had,
I suggested a date night,
A hot, sexy late night—
So she’s out with some actor named Brad.
If Trump makes you angry, just note
That the lies that spew out of his throat,
Though vicious and vile,
Are only a pile
Of bullshit. So get out and vote!
He’s claiming his Trump U was shrewd,
But students cried fraud and they sued.
Court documents show
What the plaintiffs all know:
You don’t have to undress to get screwed.
When he joined anger management classes
Along with the ill-tempered masses
He felt he was cursed,
Being fully immersed
In a room with the worst bunch of asses.
So what else could he bloody well do?
He tried Prozac, booze, pot and sex too.
Waves of madness were tidal,
A touch homicidal,
Perhaps suicidal – snafu!
As he went to apply for some pogey,
He met a strange man, some old fogey
Who wore a fedora
And had a bright aura.
It’s hard to ignore a great yogi.
The old wise man could see through his pain
And he sought to unshackle his chain.
Meditation he taught,
And it helped him a lot.
Peace and sanity came back again.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
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