Archive for the ‘Limerick Award Winners’ Category

Limerick-Off Award (259)

Sunday, August 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his “Poe Signs The Pledge” limerick:

To drown all his sorrows, he’d pour
Endless whiskies, and mourn his Lenore.
But the night that he heard
A chimerical bird,
He swore off the booze. “Nevermore!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GRASS-Themed Limerick Award for his “Elizabethan’s Lament” limerick:

Forsooth! ’Tis a place in the grass
Fit for carnal acts, tender or crass.
But alas and alack!
One thing holdeth me back:
The part that I lack is a lass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Charley Simmons, Ken Gosse, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and Marty Gerendasy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (““POOR/POUR/PORE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

It’s Summer Olympics once more;
Canadians’ teardrops will pour.
But when medals are missed
“That’s okay,” we’ll insist,
And proudly claim: “We’re Number Four!”

Will T. Laughlin:

What a day to be wed at the shore!
Bright sun, and the ocean’s low roar!
There I stood, all deluxe
In my nice rental tux –
And that’s when it started to pour.

Charley Simmons:

“In bed you’re a terrible bore,”
She said, as she showed him the door.
“Please leave me at once
You despicable dunce,
Or I’ll donate your clothes to the poor.”

Ken Gosse:

The vintner had bad wine galore,
So he poured it all out on the floor.
But his brother-in-law
Laid his wide-open maw
On the spot on the floor where he’d pour.

Brian Allgar:

Her grades were excessively poor,
So she knocked on her teacher’s front door.
“Can you help with my grade?”
An arrangement was made;
Now they’re both very happy to score.

Fred Bortz:

Amendment nineteen folks will roar,
Making Donald J. Trump’s chances poor.
He’s a bully-boy fraud
So the women, by God,
Will show him the way to the door.

Tim James:

He tried to engage in amour,
But his sense of direction was poor.
When he started to pound
He got all turned around.
So his entry was by the back door.

This fellow whose aim was so poor
Was the Thunder God known in Norse lore.
And the lady? A wisp
With a cute little lisp.
Now thith gal, like her partner, ith Thor.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRASS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

If you spend too much time at your desk, you
Need a hobby to come to your rescue.
Think how long you will spend
On your flaccid rear end
Once they’ve planted you under the fescue!

Marty Gerendasy:

There once lived a lovely young lass
Who was fond of a roll in the grass.
She would “play” on the lawn
From late night until dawn.
And when finished, she’d go straight to Mass.

Tim James:

I’m a homeowner. Cutting the grass
Is a chore that’s a pain in the ass.
Says my wife, who’s the boss,
“Tear it out! Put in moss!
It’s still green; from the street it’ll pass!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award Winner (258)

Saturday, August 6th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Mrs. Frankenstein, lissome and lean,
Had as perfect a bod as I’ve seen.
Husband Vic, from the start,
Took her hand, stole her heart,
And her liver, both lungs, and her spleen.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BOREDOM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

To stave off his feelings of boredom,
He thought he would sample some whoredom.
The call-girls looked nice,
But on learning their price,
He found that he couldn’t afford ’em.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) J Cosmo Newbery, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Dave Johnson, Val Fish, Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, David Reddekopp, Grzegorz Gigol,
Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAN/LIEN” RHYME DIVISION)

J Cosmo Newbery:

A man who’d developed a lean,
Put the blame on some lousy cuisine.
But his breakfast was fine,
And his dinner, benign—
It was all of the drinks in between.

Brian Allgar:

I showed her my new trampoline.
“Shall we give it a spin?” She was keen,
But I’m hereby renouncing
A blowjob while bouncing –
The reason, I’m sure you can glean.

Marty Gerendasy:

A young poet whose name was Marlene,
Said “I don’t like a verse that’s obscene.
But if I just suggest,
You can fill in the rest,
And then you can decide what I mean!”

Dave Johnson:

The actors are healthy and lean
In ev’ry McDonald’s ad scene.
Big profits they’d blow
If they were to show
Real fans of their fast-food cuisine.

Val Fish:

The wife, she’s as thin as a bean.
Her sister, not nearly so lean.
For a nice piece of rump,
It’s ‘big sis’ that I’d hump.
Such a shame that she’s only fifteen.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOREDOM-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

“Oh Mummy, school’s out, what a bore!”
“I’ll fix THAT! Now you each get a chore:
Dust and vacuum, do dishes,
Clean rooms, feed the fishes!”
They never complain anymore.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A fisherman caught a big trout,
Which he wouldn’t stop talking about;
So year after year
He bored ev’ryone near
Till, in tears, his wife fin’ly moved out.

David Reddekopp for his Acrostic Limerick:

I’m lazy; it’s rather overt.
No energy will I exert.
Essentially, null.
Relaxed, but it’s dull
To sit here, in essence, inert.

Brian Allgar:

The girl was convinced she had scored
With a hunk, but her needs were ignored.
Though he stayed the whole night,
There was no sex in sight;
She didn’t get drilled, only bored.

Grzegorz Gigol:

U.S. people ooze love by the fother,
And say ev’ryone there is their brother.
But when bored, they resort
To their national sport,
Which is going and suing each other.

Ian Graham:

I once struck a most happy medium
At a séance both dull and quite seedy. Um,
Just after my slap he
Was rather less happy,
But it did help to lessen the tedium.

Fred Bortz:

Jack yawns. “I think soccer is boring.
I prefer to watch games with more scoring.”
Still Jill feels a thrill
When the tally’s nil-nil,
While beside her, her boyfriend is snoring.

Tim James:

A farmer who’d gotten quite bored
With his job struck the following chord:
“I raise squash every year.
It’s increasingly clear
I’m about to go out of my gourd!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (257)

Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny, musical limerick:

Five fishermen lived hereabout,
But their talents were somewhat in doubt.
Though five lines they would spin,
Just one fish was reeled in.
This quintet became known as “The Trout.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Allergy-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She was to be one of the “perks”
At the office where Roger Ailes works.
But started to sneeze
As he fondled her knees;
Turns out, she’s allergic to jerks.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Will T. Laughlin, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOUT/ABOUT” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Some things are exact, not “about.”
They are what they are, without doubt.
A worm’s not a snake,
A cookie’s no cake,
And a salmon’s not “almost” a trout.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

It appears that the captain is out
Of the closet without any doubt.
From up high in the rigging
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy, coming about.

Will T. Laughlin, for his “AND IN THIS CORNER, KID IONESCO!”

In the very first round of the bout,
The Kid knocked the champion out.
But they stopped him, they did,
When they noticed the Kid
Had four legs, and a horn on his snout.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A turtledove flying about
Was afraid that his luck had run out
When he noticed one day
A hawk headed his way;
He was quickly relieved of all doubt.

Robert Schechter:

You don’t know what you’re talking about?
No problem. Just act like a lout.
Refuting your betters,
Use CAPITAL LETTERS,
THE FACEBOOK-APPROVED WAY TO SHOUT!

Ken Gosse:

His dyslexia sometimes came out
When the Drill Sergeant started to shout,
But he knew how to cope:
He could walk that tightrope,
Though they grinned when he yelled, “Face About!”

Suzanne Heymann:

If you don’t know what life’s all about
Don’t worry, relax, just chill out.
Live life fully and know
When it’s your turn to go
You’ll no longer be living in doubt.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ALLERGY-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

I’m allergic to most politicians
With their multiple bullshit positions.
And although I’m not sneezing,
I’m certainly wheezing;
I’m sick of their toxic emissions.

Brian Allgar:

As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em,”
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”

Diane Groothuis:

Now mustard’s my bête noire, by God.
My reaction is terribly odd.
With rashes and hives,
My blood pressure dives,
And I give old St Peter the nod.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

There’s a trick-turning floozy, long fallen,
Who’s bothered, in springtime, by pollen.
Along with her sneezes,
Come vaginal squeezes–
“God bless you!” her clients keep callin’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (256)

Saturday, July 9th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BARBARA MILLIKAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick. (It was inspired by her daughter’s very successful rugby team in Lane County, Eugene, Oregon, known as the “Reign.”)

Rough and rowdy “Reign” ruggers, the bane
Of all other gal ruggers from Lane;
When it poured like a flood
All were buried in mud,
But no rain ever reined in the “Reign.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BIRD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The bird-watcher peered through his glasses,
Believing he’d seen in the grasses
The movement of plovers.
In fact, they were lovers;
He stared at two fine, naked asses.

The girl quickly covered her bits
With a towel, and yelled out “Hey, Fritz!
What d’you think you are doing?”
“Dear lady, I’m viewing
A magnificent pair of Great Tits.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Will T. Laughlin, Barry Solomons, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIN/REIGN/REIN RHYME DIVISION)

Randolph Wagner:

The Habsburgs who ruled over Spain
Were an inbreeding unsightly strain.
Since their gene pool was rotten,
Good looks weren’t begotten:
In Spain on the plain fell the reign.

Dave Johnson:

The Donald is making it plain;
He thinks that he’s ready to reign.
So what if he fails?
From all the hat sales
His wallet is posting a gain.

Brian Allgar:

At tea-time, the Queen would complain:
“The tea-pot is empty again;
I know that I filled it,
But somehow I spilled it –
I can’t pour, but I know how to reign.

Marty Gerendasy:

Tell me, what good is trav’ling by plane,
When it won’t leave the ground in the rain?
Yet another delay!
Happens day after day!
From now on, I’ll be going by train.

Judith H. Block:

You have just washed the car? It will rain.
On a picnic? It’s pouring again.
But plants need the showers.
It’s true, we love flowers.
I guess it’s not smart to complain.

Tim James, for his limerick homage to “MacArthur Park.”

The cake got left out in the rain.
And the recipe? Never again
Will I have it, that’s true.
(What’s that mean? Not a clue.
Maybe drugs make the meaning more plain.)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A limerick writer named Kane
Loved bathing outside in the rain;
When it started to fall
She ran out, baring all,
With her washcloth, imported from Spain.

I hope this rhyme doesn’t offend.
That’s not something I’d ever intend.
I just saw it so plain;
Kane’s a fine rhyme for “rain”
And too good to resist, in the end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BIRDS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

My bird-watching uncle admits
His blog would get millions of hits,
Overwhelming his host
Any time he would post
New pictures of boobies and tits.

Barry Solomons:

An ostrich let out a big sigh
And pleaded with God asking why,
You would want me to stand
With my head in the sand
When I’d love to be able to fly.

Ken Gosse, who entitles his limerick “Copy Writer,” and who was inspired by a children’s poem.

A woman who swallowed a spider,
Ended up with a bird deep inside her.
She wrote, “How absurd,
To swallow a bird,”
But not first, so the rights were denied her.

Brian Allgar:

His Lordship had picked up a girl
And he paid her to give him a whirl.
But next day, the poor chap
Had contracted the clap –
The wormy bird catches the Earl.

Tim James:

A parrot, apparently spurred
By an urge to repeat all he heard,
Spent a night by the bed
Of a gal. She turned red
When “Oh God! Oh my God!” screamed the bird.

Will T. Laughlin:

We saw a strange bird in the street.
“That’s a Fake-Crested Trump,” muttered Pete.
“How on earth can you tell?”
I inquired. Pete said, “Well,
It just let out a horrible Tweet.”

Suzanne Heymann:

When a bird and a dog had a fight,
I could not tell who had the first bite.
But an eagle so regal
Made off with a beagle
Who’d eaten a seagull last night.

Kirk Miller, whose 3-verser is (he swears) based on personal experience:

The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
’Twas a crime he considered most fowl.

To tomatoes the birds had been treatin’
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener’s wise,
A nice plan he’ll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin’.

There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he’s insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (255)

Saturday, June 25th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

A detective entreated Bernice
’Tween the sheets of the Chief of Police,
“Keep this tryst undercover.
My boss, who’s your lover,
Can’t know that you’ve fingered my piece.”

She laughed, “We’re discreet. Hold your peace.
Since that cuckolded Chief of Police
Lacks the vim and the vigor
I feel when your trigger
Is pulled, let the firing increase.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Money-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mad’s ”Limerick-Off” is iconic,
But MONEY’s a theme that’s ironic.
Cash prize? In your dreams!
You’ll win nothing, it seems,
Not even a small gin and tonic.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Dave Johnson, Randolph Wagner, Kirk Miller, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

A slimy young dude named Maurice
Met a widow he thought he could fleece.
But his try was for naught,
For he quickly got caught.
Now he hopes for an early release.

Brian Allgar:

His grammatical errors increase;
Wrong apostrophes litter each piece.
Then last night, around four,
Came a knock at his door:
“Open up! It’s the grammar police!”

Tiel Aisha Ansari:

When Jason returned with the Fleece
He put his whole crew on release
And all that he tendered
For services rendered–
At most, half an obol apiece.

Tim James:

“Lots of fish in the sea!” is a piece
Of old “wisdom” he cites without cease.
He beds ladies one night;
After that, he takes flight.
His philosophy: catch and release.

Brian Allgar:

There was never a moment of peace;
She could talk like a gaggle of geese;
She would scold and she’d nag
Till a large plastic bag
Brought him silence – a blessed release.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MONEY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

To understand money, be sure
You are not some rich entrepreneur,
For tell me, how shall you
Conceive its true value
Unless and until you’ve been poor?

Dave Johnson:

Though her wealthy old lover is gruff,
He buys her a lot of nice stuff.
But when ready for sex,
There is no time for checks;
Just a blindfold while he’s in the buff.

Randolph Wagner:

A sad, tawdry saga is Mitch’s
Beginning with staggering riches
To which he fell heir.
They were squandered with flair
Since his tool couldn’t stay in his britches.

Brian Allgar: (Donald Trump begs for contributions)

“Please send me some money – you must,
’Cause you know I’m the guy you can trust.
As Prez, I will show how
My bankruptcy knowhow
Can make the whole country go bust.”

Kirk Miller:

If money to me you’d disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
’Twould allow me to say,
In my deviant way,
“I guess that my pay’d be per verse.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Have you ever walked down any street
And found cash in your path at your feet?
A thrill tends to flow
From your head to your toe
Whenever the two of you meet.

Dave Johnson:

Las Vegas, that desert oasis,
Was built on an interesting basis.
You lose all your dough,
Then booze while they show
Bare boobies in big, glitzy places.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (254)

Saturday, June 11th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The Success Model Two will impress
As it draws out the pits with finesse.
It will not bruise the fruit,
And it’s quiet to boot,
’Cause nothing sucks seeds like Success!

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ANGER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My wife and my best friend in bed!
In my anger, I shot them both dead,
Then I buried them deep
In my composting heap.
Now my garden is very well fed.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Pedro Poitevin, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRESS” RHYME DIVISION)

Randolph Wagner:

His bright “Hallelujahs” impress,
But his musical flair and finesse
Truly can’t hold a candle
To how George can “Handel”
D major, his key to success.

Marty Gerendasy:

Now I really must clean and must press
My good suit ’cause it’s clearly a mess!
Gotta have it by noon,
Better be ready soon,
Or I’ll have to start wearing a dress!

Fred Bortz:

All aboard! It’s the Quantum Express
Where the route’s well-defined, more or less,
’Til you pass through the tunnel.
And then what you’ve done’ll
Be just a statistical guess.

Tim James:

A novitiate tried to express
Her regret, for she’d made quite a mess.
She had made it a habit
To kill off the rabbit.
She cried, but she’s gone, nuntheless.

Brian Allgar:

Those bastards who cynically mess
With your head, causing untold distress,
Spreading lies, propaganda,
False rumours and slander,
Are collectively known as “The Press.”

Pedro Poitevin:

I ask for a threesome and “Yes,”
My wife and her friend acquiesce.
Then I notice my mood—
God, I’ve shrunk like a prude!
Now I’m anxious, I guess, to impress.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANGER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:

The rage in today’s GOP
Rots the party’s insides. We can see
Ugly insults fly thick.
Might a small, stubby dick
Prompt such crap? No, his brain is what’s wee.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I’m thinking divorce, I’m so mad:
To rekindle the romance we had,
I suggested a date night,
A hot, sexy late night—
So she’s out with some actor named Brad.

Fred Bortz:

If Trump makes you angry, just note
That the lies that spew out of his throat,
Though vicious and vile,
Are only a pile
Of bullshit. So get out and vote!

Dave Johnson:

He’s claiming his Trump U was shrewd,
But students cried fraud and they sued.
Court documents show
What the plaintiffs all know:
You don’t have to undress to get screwed.

Suzanne Heymann:

When he joined anger management classes
Along with the ill-tempered masses
He felt he was cursed,
Being fully immersed
In a room with the worst bunch of asses.

So what else could he bloody well do?
He tried Prozac, booze, pot and sex too.
Waves of madness were tidal,
A touch homicidal,
Perhaps suicidal – snafu!

As he went to apply for some pogey,
He met a strange man, some old fogey
Who wore a fedora
And had a bright aura.
It’s hard to ignore a great yogi.

The old wise man could see through his pain
And he sought to unshackle his chain.
Meditation he taught,
And it helped him a lot.
Peace and sanity came back again.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (253)

Saturday, May 28th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My gal’s faithful and true and won’t stray
And she’s there at the end of the day
With a warm, loving kiss.
In addition to this,
She can sit, fetch, roll over and stay.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCIENCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The scientist wrote many theses
On cloning unusual species.
What challenged the most
Was the right-wing talk host;
For that one, you’d have to use feces.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STAY” RHYME DIVISION)

Randy Wagner:

When that plucky Miss Muffet would stay
On the tuffet, the spider would say,
“If you choose to remain,
Let me clearly explain:
Spiders bite! Go ahead, make my day.”

Fred Bortz:

A “fabulous” drag queen would say,
“My very large organ must stay.
It earns me a ten
When I’m bedded by men
Who joyously find that I’m gay.”

Ian Graham:

Though straitlaced, she said, “Well, OK.
“We’ll play – once I’ve loosened my stay.”
Said he in a daze:
“I suppose you mean ‘stays’?”
She said, “No, just the one for today.”

Brian Allgar:

He invited the bimbo to stay
For the night. She replied “Well, okay;
But I need to be sure
You don’t think I’m a whore.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, “I won’t pay.”

Daniel Ari:

A couple who lived by the bay
Engaged in some furry role play.
Said the girl to her chum,
“You won’t hear me say ‘come,’
’Til you’ve learned to roll over and stay.”

Marty Gerendasy:

She begged of me, “Don’t go away,
’Cause I really would like you to stay.”
What followed was pleasure
That’s too great to measure,
And for once I did not have to pay.

Tim James:

She had wanted the farmhand to stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay.
Then she cringed in disgust:
He was covered in dust.
It’s a truism: grime doesn’t pay.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly

When the farmhand suggested she stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay,
She said, “Sit on my stool
And I’ll straddle your tool–
I can finish the milking that way.”

Suzanne Heymann:

The roof of his cabriolet
Got stuck on a cold rainy day.
She’d fret, get upset
As her hairdo got wet,
And he just couldn’t get her to stay.

A convertible’s only okay
If the sun in the sky’s on display.
But if snow, rain or ice
Comes, then take my advice;
Get her flowers and nice lingerie.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Evolution is fact!” said the right.
“Climate science? We’ve now seen the light!”
After that, Heidi Klum
Showed up, nude, in my room.
‘Twas one hell of a dream Friday night.

Brian Allgar:

Creationists place great reliance
On bibles, and little on science.
As they slurp countless beers,
They say “Six thousand years
Is the world’s age!” with drunken defiance.

Fred Bortz:

The physicists had a huge spat
In their quantum entanglement chat.
One delivered this lesson:
“If you are caught messin’,
You’ll end up like Schrödinger’s cat.”

Then Heisenberg entered the fray.
“I’m uncertain it’s true what you say.
You have no compunction
To use your wave function.
My matrices carry the day.”

Was one of them on the right track?
I admit I was taken aback
When Pauli was puzzled
And both men were muzzled.
He said, “We must query Dirac.”

“Let’s add Relativity here,”
The Englishman said to a cheer.
But his math raised a clatter.
“What is this? Antimatter?
Outlandish, and yet it is clear.”

The squabbling continues today.
Quantum weirdness is true. It must stay.
The results provide traction.
That famed “spooky action”
That Einstein decried won’t go ’way.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (252)

Sunday, May 15th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said the dentist, “Your teeth need a brace,
But I fear it’s a difficult case.
Though the work is cosmetic,
It needs anaesthetic –
You’ll feel a small prick in your face.”

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special STUBBORNNESS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I am fed up with people who choose
To be stubborn — who can’t change their views.
I’m telling you flat
I will NOT be like that.
I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Allen Wilcox, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, Carolyn Henly, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jeanine Silverio, Tim James, David Reddekopp, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Allen Wilcox:

Good limerick writing’s a race
To a sadly anonymous place.
Perhaps I should mention
To get more attention,
I’ve decided to use UPPER CASE.

Judith H. Block:

Dear Jury, this trial’s a disgrace.
My client was not at that place.
He was busy in bed,
As the Judge’s wife said.
So thus I do now rest my case!

Brian Allgar:

The coffin took up lots of space,
But he gave it a prominent place.
“Though my wife is no more,
She has fooled me before,
So I keep her around just in case.”

Carolyn Henly:

There once was a fishwife who’d race
’Round her shop guarding ev’ry glass case.
If you hear the old trout
Give a shout, best get out
Or she’ll chase you all over the plaice.

Will T. Laughlin’s SLOUCHING TOWARD CLEVELAND (written before everyone dropped out except Trump)

The candidates left in the race
Promise terrible things to their base.
But forget about tact:
They’re ignoring the fact
That they can’t just make laws by ukase.

Randolph Wagner:

Sherlock’s fetishes swayed every case
As he sleuthed and prepared to give chase.
“‘The game is afoot!’
Is extremely well put,”
Quipped this bootlicking wearer of lace.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (STUBBORNNESS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar’s Stubbornness of Sisyphus:

He was rolling a rock up a hill,
But the bloody thing wouldn’t keep still.
It would roll down again –
What a bore, what a pain! –
Rock and roll was a pastime worth nil.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

I’ve the typical Taurean pique
(Also known as a mean stubborn streak).
Once my way is revealed,
I’ll hold fast and not yield.
It’s just part of my bullish mystique.

Tim James:

He’s not stubborn, he’s “principled.” See?
Not obsessed, “laser-focused” is he.
It’s the same old refrain:
Life involves much less pain
When it’s viewed euphemistically.

David Reddekopp:

I’m as stubborn as stubborn can be.
Show me proof and aloofly, I flee.
No concessions to science,
No facts, just defiance–
That’s why I remain YEC*.

*Young Earth Creationist.

Dave Johnson:

He refuses to honor their wishes
And scale back the garbage he dishes.
The pathway’s now clear
For the ending they fear:
Their party will swim with the fishes.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (251)

Saturday, April 30th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I knew that her passion was real
When she started to bark like a seal,
Moaning, squirming with bliss.
And the reason for this?
Gucci pumps at half price! Such a deal!

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special FRIENDSHIP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

There once was a fellow named Hutton
(For punishment surely a glutton)
Who’d travel the land
Giving notes out by hand,
Since he wouldn’t “Unfriend” with a button.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The bimbo could barely conceal
Her surprise when the pastor said “Kneel!
And now let us pray,”
For she thought he said “play,”
And she did so with lip-smacking zeal.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Andy Sewina, Brian Neil, Randolph Wagner, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CONCEAL/SEAL” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

To “seal with a kiss” has appeal
For expressing affection you feel.
As a phrase or an act,
There’s no doubting the fact
That it’s better than kissing a seal.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker tried hard to conceal
Her disdain at the sight of his “eel,”
So pathetically small;
When he said “Take it all,”
It was more of a snack than a meal.

Andy Sewina:

The conjurer tried to conceal
An ace up his sleeve but no deal,
For the audience saw
That the rookie was raw,
And the magical deal wasn’t real.

Brian Neil:

Intending a partial reveal,
The stripper applied too much zeal;
Whilst dancing she tripped.
Her knickers, they ripped.
Twas way more than she could conceal.

Randolph Wagner:

The thong Thelma wears can’t conceal
Her stupendously hot buns of steel.
Thelma warns, “Since they’re bare
You’re invited to stare
But I’ll pummel those copping a feel!”

Fred Bortz, for his 4-Verse Saga:

The draperies split to reveal
The lectern and Prez with his seal.
It’s Donald J. Trump,
That YUGE horse’s rump,
Declaring that he’s made a deal:

“Sarah Palin’s now Russia’s Big Wheel.
In a straight-up trade, Vlad said that he’ll
Be glad to be Veep
And he promised to keep
Snowden’s secrets. Yes this is all real.

“You see, Vlad and I had this urge
For the US and Russia to merge.
And there’s truth to the rumor:
We will soon have a Duma.
We’ve begun the Congressional purge.”

I awoke with a start and a scream.
Now I know that I never should stream
“Dr. Strangelove” in bed.
It plays tricks with my head.
What a terrible, horrible dream!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRIENDSHIP LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Two fishing guides – Brody and Gator;
School buddies from down in Decatur.
They both have a skill
To jack up the bill;
One troller and one master baiter.

Fred Bortz:

Though surprised when he learned that his pal
Would be living his life as a gal,
He extended his arms
To her new female charms
’Cause his wife had just said, “Call me Al!”

Brian Allgar:

Said my friend, “I’m away for the night;
Please check that my wife is all right.”
Well, what are friends for?
So I knocked on her door,
And she offered me more than a bite.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (250)

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The real estate agent had hissed:
“Another gin – tonic and twist.”
After three or four more,
They showed her the door;
And that’s when she started to list.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special CAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny two-verse limerick:

A friend simply can’t let a friend
Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
It’s a car if you must,
But believe me: it’s just
A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.

When the time comes for parking it, though,
It has an advantage to show:
Wherever you are,
You can just pop the car
In its own glove compartment, and go.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Jeanine Silverio, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TWIST” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

You haven’t read Oliver Twist?
Don’t bother. I’ll give you the gist.
He said, “I want more.”
They showed him the door,
And he then found it hard to subsist.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

Her panties are all in a twist,
Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
Her man’s last martini
Went straight to his weenie…
I found it too HARD to resist!

Will T. Laughlin:

In his pants the geologist pissed
As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
When it fell on his head,
The geologist said,
“Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”

Randolph Wagner:

Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
You play like it’s Brahms
Or Anglican psalms,
Then add a Wagnerian twist!”

Brian Allgar:

With my hands round her throat as we kissed,
First I squeezed, then I started to twist;
I went mad with my knife
On that doll, large as life -
And as she deflated, she hissed.

Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr:

I never can cease and desist
From giving old saws a new twist.
To tradition I say
(And it’s true every day),
A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.

Kathy El-Assal:

“Please, sir, I want more,” was the gist
That got him expelled, but not missed.
He encountered the Dodger,
Became Fagin’s lodger,
And then — what the dickens? — a twist!

Will T. Laughlin:

In six days, from primordial mist,
God created Creation. The twist?
On the Eighth Day, He woke
From His rest with a choke,
And discovered He didn’t exist.

Fred Bortz, for his 3-verser:

To win on Mad’s limerick list,
Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
For a lim that’s sublime,
Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
And of course you must end with a twist.

I ended that verse with “a twist,”
So declare–no in fact, I insist–
I must get an award
From the Limerick Board.
If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.

Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
(I hope you are getting the gist.)
I am ever so clever!
I must win! However
By now I think Mad must be pissed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

In their hippy days, most would agree
That their lifestyles were simple and free.
But now at the mall
In the very next stall,
They’re parking some huge SUV.

Robert Schechter:

In the days before cheap GPSing
A car trip was sometimes distressing.
Some people used maps,
But I think perhaps
Most people relied on blind guessing.

Tim James:

At the speedway they sold me a ride
In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
My top speed was about
One-oh-six. I got out
Just as soon as my trousers had dried.

Marty Gerendasy, whose limerick is also a “twist” limerick:

Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
The damned car wouldn’t start
So I had to ride BART,
And you’d better believe I was pissed!

Kirk Miller:

An electric car auto amass
Miles per gallon that surely surpass
A conventional car,
So electric cars are
Said to be ones that really kick gas.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

She’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
Still, she runs like a dream.
(Did you hear a scream?
I locked up my wife in the trunk.)

Brian Allgar:

In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
We’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (249)

Saturday, April 2nd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny two-verse limerick:

Brian Allgar:

My wife phoned to say: “I’m delayed;
We have guests, so I’ve hired a maid
To set out the table,
And start, if she’s able,
Preparing the beef marinade.”

Well, I have to confess that I strayed.
Though I’m fond of my wife, I’m afraid
That I’m tempted to roam;
By the time she got home,
Both the maid and the table were laid.

Congratulations to PATRICK MCKEON, who wins the Special GREED-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

As they led him to jail he decreed:
“It was all done for love and not greed.
It’s a passion I feel
Which compels me to steal,
Though that passion’s for cash I concede.”

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

It’s not “I have lain” but “I’ve laid,”
If you lured her to bed and then played,
But if in that same bed
You were sleeping instead
You have lain but not laid, I’m afraid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Randolph Wagner, Patrick McKeon, Mary McGarvey, Jeanine Silverio, Brian Allgar, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GREED LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

There was a young lady who made
Lots of money with guys getting laid.
But insatiable greed
Made her do one more deed,
Which is how she got caught in a raid.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAID” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Since I hate buying cars, I delayed
Going down to the lot. But I made
The deal of my life:
A new Ford for my wife.
I thought it a pretty good trade.

Dave Johnson:

Their accountant was handsomely paid;
But in time, he apparently strayed.
Many thousands, they say,
Went a prostitute’s way;
It looks like those funds were miss laid.

Fred Bortz:

The bishop knew how to get laid.
He’d have fun with a nun in the glade.
His number one Sister
Was really a Mister.
He glowed when the truth was displayed!

Robert Schechter:

They said I’d be handsomely paid
If I marched in the Virgin Parade.
I was game for a buck,
But damn my bad luck!
Before the check cleared, I got laid.

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, when did my sex appeal fade?
I stare at my breakfast, dismayed:
Orange juice gets a squeeze;
Bacon strips (such a tease!),
And the eggs, unlike me, have been laid.

Allen Wilcox:

It was down on his couch that he laid
On a fine APRIL day, and he prayed
That he not wake too soon.
But he woke up in JUNE,
Which left him completely disMAYed!

Randolph Wagner:

His ex, at his funeral, laid
A rose on his corpse. Quite dismayed,
She sighed, “Only if
You had been half as stiff
While living, I’d surely have stayed.”

Patrick McKeon:

On his deathbed an old pilot prayed
For a post mortem heaven upgrade.
But he couldn’t go straight
To that great pearly gate,
Since his final approach was delayed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GREED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The billionaire’s bluster and babble;
A cringe-worthy gift to the rabble.
Unhinged and absurd,
His bleating is heard
And reads like a bad game of Scrabble.

Will T. Laughlin:

A candidate, out on his tours,
Said this as he spoke to “the poors”:
“I have money, and stuff,
But it isn’t enough –
I won’t rest ’til I take away YOURS.”

Mary McGarvey:

San Francisco’s Directors of BART
All get fat while the trains fall apart;
These crooks full of hooey
Let BART go Ka-blooey
With grand theft as a great noble art.

Tim James:

Gordon Gekko, film crook, didn’t care;
He praised greed. So does Trump. Let’s compare!
The guy from the flick
Was much less of a dick;
In addition, he had better hair.

Jeanine Silverio:

Though he dressed in a monk’s humble habit,
Vows of poverty displeased the abbot.
The sheer weight of his tax
Broke the peasantry’s backs.
He lusted for gold and to grab it.

Brian Allgar:

He would gorge himself, heap after heap,
Every moment he wasn’t asleep.
This greedy young glutton
Ate huge bowls of mutton
Until he had wolfed the whole sheep.

Suzanne Heymann:

Those Black Fridays are days filled with greed
Where the shoppers create a stampede.
Boxing Day’s not enough?
Life may get tough and rough
As you buy all this stuff you don’t need.

Tempting bargains would help you forget
That there’s int’rest on top of the debt.
While you think you will ‘save’
You’ll find out you’re a slave
As you’re hit with a wave of regret.

So live under your means; give up greed.
Pay off all of your debts; then you’re freed.
A belly well-fed
And a roof o’er your head
And some love in your bed’s all you need.

Your big debt load at least will have ONE dent
Till it’s vanished, becoming redundant.
The stress will stop seething.
You’re once again breathing
And living a life that’s abundant!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (248)

Saturday, March 19th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins both the Limerick-Off Award and the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick:

When Marilyn stepped on the vent,
Her skirt billowed up like a tent.
The crowd loved the show,
Crying out “Way to go!”
And that is where Kennedy went.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the SIBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dear Brother: I wooed Mrs. Lister,
But her husband broke in as I kissed her.
I’m now on the run
In the guise of a nun…
Yours truly, your brother the Sister.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, Ian Graham, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, Allen Wilcox, David Reddekopp, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VENT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “SIBLING” LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

Two brothers set out to invent
A machine that could fly. So it went:
Though they had the Wright stuff,
They had troubles enough.
In the ground they left many a dent.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VENT” RHYME DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Please excuse me, but I need to vent
’Cause the landlord just jacked up my rent.
What a dastardly deed
Based on nothing but greed.
I may have to go live in a tent.

Ian Graham:

No alibi could she invent
For her night in a wigwam with Brent.
“He’s a crook,” her folks curse.
“That makes it much worse.
It was done with a crim’nal in-tent.”

Brian Allgar:

Yes, the Donald knows how to invent
Vicious lies to incite discontent.
Though he’s boastful and shifty,
His ‘groupies’ score fifty -
That’s, roughly, IQ and percent.

Judith H. Block:

My darling, that’s not what I meant
By positions that we could invent.
While I’m all for hot sex
And did not provide specs,
A pretzel was not my intent!

Tim James:

A sailor lost ev’ry last cent
But the sex was a signal event.
While they rolled, yawed and pitched
She got greatly enriched
While he, like his money, got spent.

Allen Wilcox:

“It was what I was trying to prevent –
Going into the hole where I went.
It wasn’t my goal.
I missed the right hole.
It’s the way that my damn thing is bent.”

David Reddekopp:

There’s naught I can do to prevent
What the skies, I surmise, have now sent.
The snow is now falling.
I find it appalling.
It’s the winter of my discontent.

Will T. Laughlin:

In the spring, I met young Mrs. Trent,
Whose husband was agèd and bent.
A tentative kiss
Led to hours of bliss –
Though suspicion I tried to prevent.

I guessed no malicious intent
Months later, when Mr. Trent sent
Me a note to invite
Me to join them one night –
I agreed to attend the event.

“I’ve challenged my cook to invent
A new dish for you,” leered the old gent;
“A pity my mate
Will be joining us… late.”
Then he tittered. Now, what had he meant?

From the kitchen, and up through the vent
Came a strangely familiar scent…
Mixed with garlic and leeks.
How he laughed at my shrieks,
As out through the window I went.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIBLING” LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

He once had a tomboyish sister
So commanding that none would resist her.
Then his sib stopped pretending.
“I’m done gender bending,”
He said. “You must now call me Mister.”

Will T. Laughlin:

The left half of Siamese twins
Berated her mate for his sins.
Cried he, “How the hell
Is a fellow to tell
Where you end, and your sister begins?!”

Dave Johnson:

Two brothers named Jason and Kevin
Show up at the gym before seven.
They don’t like to sweat;
Any six-pack they get
Will come from a 7-Eleven.

Will T. Laughlin:

Sure, kids are a pain in the tush…
But try being Barbara Bush:
At the end of your life
As a mother and wife,
Your illusions deflate with a whoosh,

And as you step out of your bubble, you
Are left with the facts. And they trouble you.
O the stigma! The shame
To the family name,
That the smartest Bush brother was W!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (247)

Saturday, March 5th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend prepared me a treat,
Which I tried… and I just couldn’t eat.
But what could I say,
With her watching that way?
“Ummm, this borscht simply cannot be beet!”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special EDUCATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A geometry teacher named Brent
Liked to frolic outdoors, so he went
To a place he could play
At the seashore all day.
He returned from the beach a tan gent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Brian Allgar:

With no brother to help him to cheat,
Jeb admits that he’s finally beat.
And his web site? He blew it,
Forgot to renew it –-
“I bought it!” jeers Trump in a tweet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jesse Levy, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, RJ Clarken, Ian Graham, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BEAT/BEET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO EDUCATION LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

The philosophy class had him beat.
“I don’t like abstract concepts!” he’d bleat.
“I Kant grasp them at all!”
He then punched a brick wall.
That abstraction’s now much more concrete.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BEAT/BEET” RHYME DIVISION)

Jesse Levy:

The new “superfood” is the beet.
I’ve heard that’s the word on the street.
The ads make it seem
As if beets are a dream.
Well, at least they do not contain wheat.

Brian Allgar, for his Harper Lee limerick:

With one novel, she joined the elite,
Won a Pulitzer (that’s quite a feat)
While Ginsberg and Burroughs
Were ploughing their furrows –
Though, of course, she’s not read as a beat.

Dave Johnson:

I remember when flying was neat;
An adventure that couldn’t be beat.
But if airlines today
Could have it their way,
They’d charge you to lower your seat.

Jon Gearhart:

I enjoy having veggies to eat,
But sometimes I just want some meat.
By replacing the beta
Vulgaris, I made a
Beef borscht and did not miss one beet.

Allen Wilcox:

When Windows won’t work and you’re beat,
And you think you are facing defeat,
Do NOT lose your cool.
Remember the rule:
When in doubt, press Control-Alt-Delete.

Rj Clarken:

The bird was a little offbeat:
Not the norm for a wee parakeet.
He would peck like a lord
On his tiny keyboard
As he’d Facebook and IM and tweet.

Ian Graham:

Thrash wheat if it’s bread you would eat.
Flail rice for a granular treat.
Is smoothness your dream?
Then try whipping cream.
But for sweetness you cannot beat beet.

Dave Johnson:

He saw her – his heart skipped a beat;
Then awkwardly shuffled his feet.
How amazing that he
Could possibly be
Running into a star on the street!

It was just a few seconds or so
That he felt that celebrity glow.
Their eyes barely met,
But he’ll never forget
The moment Adele said “Hello.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EDUCATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

“Gee, these Texas school textbooks are great!
Let’s use them in every state!
Now, ev’ryone: look
In your Chemistry book
At Leviticus 12, 5 through 8…”

Tim James:

She thinks studying’s hard, so instead
She lures each of her profs into bed
Where she actively crams
For her oral exams:
She’s advanced to the class of the head.

Dave Johnson:

A lively young teacher named Cass
Was showing her dance moves with sass.
But while she was twerking,
Some smart phones were lurking;
A gift for the boys in the class.

Byron Ives:

In bio lab, Gloria Schwerner
Oft tooted, which didn’t concern ’er
But after a flash
Turned her lab coat to ash,
She pointed away from the burner.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (246)

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

She was pregnant, she knew for a fact,
But insisted that she was ‘intact.’
Though her story was lame -
“Well, this angel, like, came” -
A religion was born from her act.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the WINTER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this poignant limerick, which he wrote in memory of our good friend and witty limerick writer Johanna Richmond:

The earth is still somehow intact.
There’s still gravity, nothing has cracked.
But some of us here
Have just lost a friend dear,
And I had to acknowledge that fact.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis LaVietes, Shannon Tucker, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TACT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WINTER LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

It’s a true inescapable fact
That this snow can be easily packed
And then rolled into balls
Shortly after it falls,
So watch out or you may be attacked!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TACT” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said Trump, “I will win. It’s a fact.
Those clowns? They’re my opening act.
These morons — these twits
Lack my charm, and my wits,
And my classiest attribute: TACT.”

Phyllis LaVietes:

Seismologists skillfully tracked
A seven point nine, and attacked
The oil guys for making
That quaking and shaking.
The earth cracked; the fact was, they fracked.

Shannon Tucker:

Quite suddenly faced with the fact
That their vows were no longer intact,
She called her attorney
And then for a gurney:
They wheeled out his balls, which were sacked!

Fred Bortz:

Some folks clearly welcomed the fact
That SCOTUS quite suddenly lacked
Justice Nino Scalia.
They sneered, “Hope to see ya
In Lucifer’s realm.” (They’ve no tact.)

Robert Schechter:

It is hard to express this with tact:
There’s a fart that was recently cracked,
And I fear from its smell
That there’s something unwell
With your gastrointestinal tract.

Brian Allgar:

He reported with truth and with tact,
And he didn’t know why he’d been sacked
From Fox News. “We need guys,”
Said his boss, “Who tell lies –
There’s no place in our program for fact.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A timber town out in the hinters
Needs someplace to warm up its winters.
But a strip club has found
Where loggers abound,
Lap dancers have issues with splinters.

Marty Gerendasy:

Sidewalks covered with ice and with snow
And a wind chill of twenty below
It was too much for me
I decided to flee
Would I ever go back there? Hell no!

Kirk Miller:

In the winter, I went on a trip
With psychiatrists skiing. I’d quip
At the end of each day.
To my wife, I would say
That I saw many Freudians slip.

David Reddekopp:

For a treat I decided to go.
To the vendor I shelled out the dough.
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.

Will T. Laughlin’s 3-verse THE NYMPHOMANIAC IN WINTER:

The snow-scape is tranquil and bright.
Inside, though, I’m having to fight
Not to giggle and snort
When the weather report
Says, “We got seven inches last night!”

And likewise, I cannot be proud
Of the fact that I chuckle aloud
When I hear that the guy
In the truck passing by
Is shouting: “Hey — wanna get plowed?”

My answer? You already know it –
And I’m just the woman to crow it:
Pretending to ponder
My snow-blower yonder,
I ask him, “Why don’t I just … blow it?!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (245)

Sunday, February 7th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said the Colonel “Cadet, I’ll be frank;
A blowjob is due to my rank.”
So the female cadet
Sucked his stiff ‘bayonet,’
But the charge in his weapon was blank.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special BEVERAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Our children are looking divine.
’Neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
But the rabbi looks stressed
As I make this request:
“Has Your Holiness more of this wine?”

Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick that received the most Facebook “likes.”

Colleen Murphy:

The candidate tried to be frank,
But his stats with constituents sank.
So he gave to their ear
What they wanted to hear,
And he quickly moved upward in rank.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Perry Plouff, Suzanne Heymann, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRANK” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

At art I’m not even mid-rank,
But it calms me, if I may be frank.
My brain today? Dead,
And my pencil? No lead.
At the end, I keep drawing a blank.

Tim James:

For a woman, the label is “skank,”
If not “slut,” “whore,” or [fill in the blank].
If a man sleeps around
He hears no worse than “hound.”
Double standards shame Fran, but not Frank.

Perry Plouff:

Dear Madeleine, let me be frank.
I wrote out some poems and they stank.
I just can’t complete
This poetical feat
In a manner which doesn’t turn rank.

Suzanne Heymann:

An outlaw named James, first name Frank,
Walked nervously into a bank.
Instead of a gun
He had pulled out a bun,
So his chances for wealth quickly shrank.

Will T. Laughlin:

The inspector said, “Let me be frank…”
So I pushed him straight off of the plank,
And when he fell in
To the sausage-meat bin,
I obligingly started to crank.

Fred Bortz:

A Congressman named Barney Frank
Said, “Enough! You can’t screw us, Big Bank!”
So he and Chris Dodd
Joined together, by God,
And they crafted an act of first rank.

Slings and arrows came from their right flank;
All the cranks soon declared the bill stank.
But Barney just laughed.
“Next time YOU’LL get the shaft
As the door of your jail cell goes clank.”

Alas, AIG schemer Hank
(Mr. Greenberg) avoided the tank.
To us it’s unnerving
That one so deserving
Goes free when he shoulda been sank.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEVERAGE LIMERICK DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

A fellow named Homer had woes
Which he’d drown in his liquor at Moe’s.
Were his troubles so large
That he couldn’t tell Marge?
He’s a man of a million “D’ohs.”

Dave Johnson:

“This Chardonnay’s lovely with pork,”
He said as he fondled the cork.
She gave him a smile,
But thought all the while
“Just pour it and don’t be a dork.”

Kirk Miller:

There’s a soft drink that people say stokes them.
Don’t withhold The Real Thing; it provokes them.
You should know that for sure
They are easy to lure.
All it takes is a bottle to Cokes them.

Brian Allgar:

My doctor had told me I oughta
Drink less. Well, I’m fond of a snorter
Of rum, whisky, brandy,
Whatever is handy –
To please him, I stopped drinking water.

Will T. Laughlin:

If the Bundys continue their stint,
I think we should give them a hint
About deregulation:
Cut off their hydration,
And make them drink water from Flint.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Some might say I had gone a bit far
When I crashed through the door in my car,
Hit the wall with a thud,
And demanded more Bud:
My drunkenness razes the bar.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (244)

Sunday, January 24th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I heard my love let out a wail
And knew she was fast turning pale.
I’d heard it before
And told her once more:
“My dear, stay away from the scale.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Dog and/or Cat-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

One day my Maltese caught a whiff
Of a bitch and then said with a sniff,
“She’s not of my breed
But I know what I need:
A great dame that will make my mast stiff.”

Congratulations to both J COSMO NEWBERY and MARK KANE, who in a tie each win the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks that received the most Facebook “likes.”

J Cosmo Newbery:

The response of the typical male
Is turning the palest of pale
When informed by his wife,
The love of his life,
How much she has saved at the sale.

Mark Kane:

At the nude beach the regulars rail
At the newbies who follow their trail.
They’ll claim that they go
Very often, although
Certain parts are suspiciously pale.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Valerie Grzegorczyk, Kirk Miller, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOG and/or CAT LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy

When it rains cats and dogs mixed with hail,
You’ll be smart if you look for a pail.
If you can’t find a real one,
Just go out and steal one.
I’ll be happy to put up your bail.

Brian Allgar:

Our puppy would try to impale
Every creature possessing a tail.
This libidinous habit,
When tried with a rabbit,
Anatomically just had to fail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

He got stopped by a cop. Turning pale,
He attempted a bribe to dodge jail.
But it didn’t quite work
‘Cause the poor, clueless jerk
Didn’t notice the doughnuts were stale.

Will T. Laughlin:

In my youth, I was thin as a rail,
But today I resemble a whale.
I attribute my size
Less to burgers and fries
Than “small” sodas that come in a pail.

Dave Johnson:

For Henry, the night was a fail,
Spent chasing and trying to nail
A pretty young thing
Who noticed his ring
Left a circle that’s narrow and pale.

Suzanne Heymann:

A showerhead ordered by mail
Consists of white bucket and nail.
Hang it up like a wreath
And poke holes underneath.
That is how you impale a pale pail.

Valerie Grzegorczyk:

The mail order bride wore a veil.
When ’twas lifted, the groom turned quite pale.
From pale he turned green;
She’d arrived sight unseen.
He shipped her back C.O.D. mail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOG and/or CAT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Out in Texas, a cowpoke named Sid
Took to heart words from songs as a kid.
Bought a dachshund one day
’Cause the lyrics did say:
“Get a long little doggie.” He did.

Will T. Laughlin:

If your puppy-dog constantly chews
Through one of each pair of your shoes,
He’s just taking care
That your feet should be bare
When you step into one of his poos.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My dog, though he’s quick, ain’t a greyhound,
And he’s not, without training, a stay hound,
But he thinks that his job
Is to fetch what I lob,
Which, of course, makes him ace as a play hound.

Marty Gerendasy:

When your cats or dogs jump on your bed
And start doing a dance on your head,
You may think that they’re playing,
But what they are saying
Is “Get up, we wanna be fed!”

Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this touching tale:

At times, when the going was tough –
When I felt that enough was enough,
And I’d want to give up –
I would look at my pup…
And my pup looked at me, and said, “Wuff.”

When my patience was truly worn through,
And I just didn’t know what to do,
In my fuddle and fog
I would turn to my dog,
And my pup, looking up, said, “Aroo.”

In the midst of an awful kerfuffle,
When rest was as rare as a truffle
And no peace could be found,
I would turn to my hound,
And my dog turned to me, and said, “Wuffle.”

And should I confront the abyss –
When it seemed my whole life was amiss,
And I wanted to bawl –
She’d say nothing at all:
Just come over, and give me a kiss.

My dog has long since passed away.
But after a terrible day
When troubles betide me,
She’s still here beside me,
And still knows the right thing to say.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (243)

Saturday, January 9th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the Eighties, Lewd Lou was the dude
For drugs for improving the mood.
It was always enough
That he’d mention his “stuff”:
It was ’Ludes to which Lewd Lou’d allude.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Sleep and/or Insomnia-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My insomnia cure isn’t booze;
Neither pills nor warm milk do I use.
But a long string of lies
Makes me nod, close my eyes.
It’s a cure that I’m calling “Fox Snooze.”

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The limerick mistress is shrewd
To suggest that our verses be lewd
And allude to our privies,
Or privates, or skivvies,
With words excremental and crude.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEWD” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The fellow’s a bit of a prude;
Not prone to be naughty or lewd.
At Haulover Beach,
For a necktie he’ll reach;
He hates being totally nude.

Robert Schechter:

Bill Cosby admits he was shrewd
In wooing the women he screwed:
“I’m famous, I’m charming,
My wit is disarming,
And I make them all swallow a ’lude.”

Tim James:

A fellow once tried to elude
Married life, for a reason quite crude:
“Buy the cow? Not for me,
When the milk comes for free!”
But “the cow” overheard him. He’s screwed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SLEEP/INSOMNIA LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

How I long for a slumber that’s deep!
I have tried to count gambolling sheep,
But instead, they count me,
And before they’ve reached three,
Every sheep in the flock is asleep.

Kirk Miller:

Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
For their father, who sits on the floor
By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
When his offspring turn in.
They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you sleep like a baby, you’re nuts,
Because every two hours your guts
Are screaming for food
And your pants have been pooed
Cuz not one of your holes ever shuts.

Sue Dulley:

The clock says it’s 2:45;
I’m longing for sleep to arrive.
Now what would it take
To stay this wide awake
At the wheel on a long-distance drive?

Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this all too familiar, albeit funny, story:

It’s eleven. You turn out the light.
The room is as dark as the night.
You yearn for repose,
But your eyes will not close:
There’s something that just isn’t right.

In your mind, the ideas are reeling.
You’re left with a terrible feeling
That the thoughts of the day
Simply won’t go away,
So you lie there and stare at the ceiling.

You’re constantly tossing and turning –
You’re freezing — next minute, you’re burning.
You glance at the clock
And you see with a shock
That it’s two. But your brain is still churning.

You find you’re beginning to twitch,
For the blanket is starting to itch.
You try counting sheep.
Then your leg falls asleep,
And you think: lucky sonofabitch.

You’ve now made a mess of the bed:
You’re all tangled up in the spread.
As the black turns to grey
In the new-dawning day,
The whites of your eyes turn to red.

Eight hours you’ve tortured your brain
To come up with a verse for Mad Kane
On insomnia. Well,
Those eight hours of hell
Have left you completely insane.

But there’s no time for that any more:
Get up! Put your feet on the floor!
There’s a day’s work ahead,
So… (you fall back in bed;
As your head hits the pillow, you snore.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (242)

Sunday, December 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The Mayor Rob Ford wasn’t wise
Getting filmed smoking crack. His demise
Was assured when he tried
To deny he had lied,
So now he’s the Ford of the Lies.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

When AutoCorrect makes you groan,
Remember that this year alone
More than two thousand dupes
Sold their souls (or their “soups”)
To SANTA, because of their phone.

Congratulations to JUDITH H. BLOCK, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

With a smile on his deathbed, here lies
A guy who had stars in his eyes.
The sex, off the chart,
Was too much for his heart.
It was an ecstatic demise.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Allen Wilcox, Will T. Laughlin, Jim Sullivan, RJ Clarken, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Dave Johnson, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LIES” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO HOLIDAY LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

From the rooftop, old Santa relies
On a chimney to bring his surprise,
But this year, he got stuck,
And they heard him yell “Fuck!
I have eaten too many mince pies!”

Fred Bortz, who notes that his limerick is based on a true story: “Our daughter entered the world on the 366th day of a leap year, about 10 days early.”

A tax refund lights up our eyes;
The onset of labor belies
The o.b.’s prediction.
His date was a fiction.
Our New Year’s Eve baby’s a prize!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LIES” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

“All these words that I utter are lies,”
Quips the prankster, “so you would be wise
To refuse to believe
That I always deceive.”
Meanwhile, logic just curls up and dies.

Allen Wilcox:

He has made quite a fetish of ties
On which his dear mistress relies.
He wears them so long
That they tickle his dong
And create a great increase in sighs.

Will T. Laughlin:

The fury; the venom; the lies;
The call for the Others’ demise;
The tribalist hate –
Say, was this a debate,
Or rehearsal for “Lord of the Flies?”

Jim Sullivan:

Some day they’ll be saying, “Here lies . . .”
When they’ve closed up my mouth and my eyes.
My family will sigh. It
Will be very quiet
When I leap up and yell out, “Surprise!”

Rj Clarken:

The media often supplies
News bites they sensationalize,
With candidates who
Hope their viewers will view
The world through their very skewed eyes.

So we often compartmentalize,
Disassociate or else disguise
The fact we can’t face,
Look away or erase
What we’d normally diss otherwise.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you can see through someone’s guise
Just by looking right into their eyes,
You’ll know if they’re ruthless
Mendacious or truthless;
Your real eyes realize real lies.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HOLIDAY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Down the chimney I saw Santa go
To a brothel; how couldn’t he know?
At the bottom were three
Lovely ladies, so he
Put new spin on the phrase “Ho ho ho.”

Dave Johnson:

The holiday season is here
With greetings and lots of good cheer.
Our spirits will lift
Since we get to re-gift
That crap from the previous year.

David Reddekopp:

It’s realized – Santa’s worst fear;
The reindeer are striking this year.
Fatigue was a factor,
So he bought a tractor,
For nothing can run like a Deere.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (241)

Saturday, December 12th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RAPHAEL HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse:

There once was a gibbon named Flake,
Whose chimpanzee wife baked a cake.
He grabbed a big hunk.
His wife said, “You skunk,
Our marriage is all gibbon take.”

Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Sue Dulley:

The unit of snow is the ‘flake’
With six points; otherwise it’s a fake.
“No two are the same,”
Is the weatherman’s claim.
But who looks at them all, for Pete’s sake?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Mae Simon, Brian Allgar, Jesse Frankovich, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jon Gearhart, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

The paint on the ceiling would flake
When she screamed. Then her body would quake,
With her toes curling tight.
It capped off quite a night.
You know what? I don’t *care* if it’s fake.

Daisy Mae Simon:

Our neighbor is nice, but a flake.
Each December she makes us fruitcake.
We smile. (She means well.)
We re-gift it (Don’t tell!)
To a GOP-Tea Party snake.

Brian Allgar:

It was snowing, huge flake after flake,
And my windscreen was growing opaque.
She was giving good head,
But she bit me instead
When I hit the emergency brake.

Jesse Frankovich’s Acrostic Limerick:

Four meanings I’ll offer for flake:
Loose, small piece that from something may break;
A unit of snow;
Kooky fruitcake you know;
Early tool that from stone one can make.

Ira Bloom:

A grey goose, a bit of a flake,
Humped a duck in the dark, by mistake.
“I don’t want to pander,
You stupid old gander,”
The duck said. “Besides, I’m a drake.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

She discovered her necklace was fake
When the gold on it started to flake.
The fur was not real,
Her ring, stainless steel,
But her spouse was a genuine snake.

Jon Gearhart:

Now Bob is a bit of a flake.
Goes to sea in a rowboat (a caique).
O’er the side he goes golfin’
Hits eggs at the dolphin
Who’re caught in his fin eggin’ wake.

Dave Johnson

Aunt Martha will quite often bake
Some brownies or maybe a cake.
With her Saturday stop
At the cannabis shop,
There’s magic in every flake.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Seems a break ain’t the same as a brake,
And a sheikh ain’t the same as a shake,
And a stake ain’t the same
As a steak—what a shame!—
But a flake is a flake is a flake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (240)

Sunday, November 29th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For church, we’ve got no time to spend,
And the sermons we don’t comprehend,
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy.
We tend to pretend we attend.

Congratulations to Judith H. Block on her Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Misconceptions and fears.
We’ve all shed enough tears.
The world needs more love, in the end.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ailsa McKillop, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ailsa McKillop:

So you know when you plain overspend
On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
Hubby asks you the price
And without thinking twice
You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!

Kirk Miller:

The tornado book follows a trend
Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
To give a surprise.
If readers are wise,
They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.

Tim James:

Ladies, THIS is important. Attend:
There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend,
While sweet, innocent Jean
(In the ways of love, green)
Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”

Brian Allgar:

They keep sending me ads to extend
The size of a lecher’s best friend,
So I trash it – no dice!
If I took their advice,
I’d be just a big prick in the end.

Fred Bortz:

I was warmly invited to spend
Some time to inter my good friend.
But it seems I was cursed,
And, alas, I died first.
So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”

Dave Johnson:

Her lover won’t even defend
His failure to stretch and extend
Their moment of bliss
Beyond only this:
“OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.

Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller:

I have an effeminate friend.
Local NFL games we attend,
Though he’s not into sports.
It’s because he cavorts
With a certain young rookie tight end.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!