Archive for the ‘Limerick Award Winners’ Category

Limerick of the Week (173)

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman was perched on the floor.
She threw down her sponge and she swore
And yelled at her gent:
“That is not what I meant
When I told you to use the back door!”

Congratulations to KEVIN AHERN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A lady was pacing the floor
Of my favorite gardening store.
She wanted a chance
To talk about plants,
But I’d never seen herbivore.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Konrad Schwoerke, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, CJ@ProArtz, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

David McCormick:

The boxer lies flat on the floor.
The referee’s count reaches “FOUR!”
Pirouetting, he then
Begins counting again…
(He once ran a ballet dance corps.)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I was showing my moves on the floor.
This chick cheered, so I knew I could score.
Then we walked to the car
Where I said, “Here we are.”
But my mom wouldn’t open the door.

Byron Miller:

I’ve got babies all over the floor.
They turn up at my door more and more.
I may soon blow a gasket –
Each day brings a basket
That’s tagged “Made in El Salvador”.

CJ@ProArtz:

Dora screwed the old salts on the floor.
Scrubbing up wasn’t much of a chore.
When they rolled from on top
She retrieved a wet mop
To push seamen right out the back door.

Allen Wilcox:

The Speaker demanded the floor,
Grabbed the mike and then let out a roar:
“The POTUS is lazy.
He’s driving me crazy.
Now back to my nap – let me snore.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (172)

Sunday, July 13th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The barkeep’s wife, Tilley, I’d drill
Ev’ry chance I could get — what a thrill!
But I took it too far
Having sex in the bar;
I got caught with my hand in his Till.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Okay ladies, you know the drill:
No diaphragm, condom, or pill
Will be bought by employers
Who have the best lawyers
Like Hobbyin’ Lobbyists will.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Allen Wilcox, Kathy El-Assal, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

My hillbilly gal knew the drill;
She would make the best moonshine until
Fed’ral agents one day
Came and took her away.
Now she’s gone, and I yearn for her still.

Allen Wilcox:

The delegates – they knew the drill.
As they lined up to sign, they were still.
To declare they were free,
Which soon they would be,
They stood tall and were all dressed to quill.

Kathy El-Assal:

In cat houses, girls know the drill:
It’s giving their clients a thrill.
With mirrors revealing
What clothes were concealing,
The need for blue pills will be nil.

Brian Allgar:

Said Shakespeare “Thou knowest the drill.
’Tis said every Jack shall have Jill.
’Twixt thy legs I shall lay me –
Seek not to gainsay me,
For where there’s a way, there’s a Will.”

Colleen Murphy:

The young man repeated the drill
He did with incredible skill.
(He perfected this knowledge
By going to college.)
Pour the beer, chug it down, then refill.

Fred Bortz:

The surgeon perfected the drill.
He made each incision with skill.
He created a hole
Where there once was a pole,
And Ms. Willa was no longer Bill.

Byron Ives:

In boot camp, Will sure knew the drill.
To shoot on the range was a thrill.
He’d never been shot,
But it made his sack taut
When the sergeant yelled, “FIRE AT WILL!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (171)

Saturday, July 5th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Rhett Butler reserved a nice suite
Where he and Miss Scarlett could meet.
But the bed had no linen.
The maid explained, grinnin’,
“Sir, frankly, I don’t give a sheet!”

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ferlinghetti thinks status is sweet,
And for Ginsberg, renown is a treat.
But Jack Kerouac’s fame
Brings him obvious shame:
He’s becoming, well, read as a Beat.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, Scott Crowder, Robert Basler, Brian Allgar, Andrew Ryan, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

David McCormick:

I’ve married a woman who’s sweet,
One who constantly keeps herself neat,
One who cleans, one who cooks,
One who’s blessed with good looks.
I’m hoping these five never meet!

Will T. Laughlin:

The folks in the Honeymoon Suite
Are being a tad indiscreet.
Simple moans, groans and cries
Cause the staff no surprise –
But good god! What’s the source of that bleat?

Allen Wilcox:

Bragged the artist, “To paint is so sweet.
Slopping gobs on the sidewalk’s a treat.
I’ve done Pollock one better;
An opposites getter,
My work’s both abstract and concrete.”

Scott Crowder:

A man in the mood for a sweet,
Indulged in his favorite treat.
Though never a wuss,
He’s now a big puss.
They say that you are what you eat.

Robert Basler:

“Mademoiselle, are you over dix-huit?”
I would ask all the French chicks I meet.
If she’s 18 or older
I start to get bolder.
If she’s not, then I’m out of there, VITE!

Brian Allgar:

At Halloween, saucy and sweet,
A young lady was trawling my street
As the “Halloween Whore,”
So I opened the door,
And the trick that she turned was a treat.

Andrew Ryan:

My girlfriend is terribly sweet,
And I tried to propose in a Tweet.
But I’ve just asked if she
Would marinate me.
God-damn you dumb Auto-complete!

Diane Groothuis:

A cellist was playing a suite
By Bach at a musical meet
To tunes contrapuntal.
She showed them full-frontal,
And they noted her boobs hit her feet.

Will T. Laughlin:

Bach went, while composing his Suite,
To a Gentlemen’s Club for a treat.
As he watched the girls dance,
Inspiration (by chance)
Sent him “Air on the G-String,” complete.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (170)

Saturday, June 28th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse, which he calls “HEIDI-HO.”

Attracted by Hollywood vice,
Men swarmed to her brothel like mice.
So, what kept them staying?
You know the old saying:
“Time’s fun when we’re all having Fleiss.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The Captain gave friendly advice:
“Drink up, folks, it’s all in the price!”
The party was manic
Aboard the “Titanic”;
The guests were all breaking the ice.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, KONRAD SCWOERKE, BRIAN ALLGAR, and WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Chris Doyle:

“Writing lim’ricks, my love, is a vice,”
Says my wife, “And you’ll pay a stiff price.
Spending all of your time
Crafting meter and rhyme
Means that I’m growing colder than ice.”

Konrad Schwoerke:

Writing lim’ricks just might be a vice,
And will seldom add amorous spice,
But my wife is sure glad
I’m not out being bad
Like the past, where I had (once or twice).

Brian Allgar:

Just tell her that you’d never cheat her,
But honestly, nothing is sweeter
For limerick-writers
Than spending all-nighters
With girls who admire your meter.

Will T. Laughlin:

Gee, Brian: it could be my age,
But I seem to have bypassed that stage.
If I’m hoping for action,
I don’t get much traction
From words that I put on a page.

I’ll ask my wife, “What do you think
Of this verse I just wrote?” First she’ll blink;
Then she’ll hand me some cash
From her personal stash,
And say, “Find some loose women. Or drink.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Jon Gearhart, and Paula R. Moore. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Konrad Schwoerke:

Truth be told, I have only one vice,
A small quirk that, for me, adds some spice.
It’s not thousand foot drops,
Or a fistfight with cops;
What I love is to skate on thin ice.

Kevin Ahern:

The dog pound gives out this advice
In a clever attempt to entice:
“Leasing dogs is a way
To test out a stray.
You should check out our low cur rent price.”

Brian Allgar:

Miranda knew nothing of vice,
And her swimsuit was modestly nice.
But the guys queued for fucks:
“Special offer, five bucks!”
She’d forgotten to take off the price.

Fred Bortz:

My inner boss has this advice.
You may limerick-off once or twice.
Any more and he curses:
“I’ll choke your vice, verses!”
I can’t let my book pay the price.

Jon Gearhart:

Politicos share the same vice.
It’s power, whatever the price.
They’ll cater their views
Depending on who’s
In the crews they must schmooze and entice.

Paula R. Moore:

A fellow had bought a device
Which was sold to make gold out of rice.
He cooked it and milled it
And blanched it and grilled it.
No gold, but it did entice mice.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (169)

Sunday, June 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Our lab rat, for cheese, ran 10Ks,
But of late appears lost in a daze.
He has yet to complete
This new task, and won’t eat
If he doesn’t start wending his maze.

And congratulations once again to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“This plant deserves more than okays,”
Rev’rend Spooner said, sparing no praise.
“See its mesh of racemes?
That is part of God’s schemes,
For He works in wisteria’s maze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Brian Allgar, Konrad Schwoerke, Val Fish, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ira Bloom:

The evangelists shouted okays,
To the plot to bring on End of Days,
By converting the Jews.
(When my tribe got the news,
We responded with countless oy veys).

Brian Allgar:

Pascal wouldn’t wait for okays;
His ideas never ceased to amaze.
He would tell the discerning:
“My mind is just burning
With notions – in fact, I’m a Blaise.”

Konrad Schwoerke:

Instead of some paltry okays,
My invention will garner high praise.
It’s a fission pipe lighter;
A real hot igniter,
So surely in glory I’ll blaze.

Val Fish:

A fellow was dating two Kays
And saw them on alternate days.
Double-booked them one night.
An ensuing cat fight
Saw the end of his two-timing ways.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow is dating two Kays
But they differ in notable ways.
One has him dance nude
To build up the mood.
The other one lies there and bays.

Brian Allgar:

The artist pronounced his okays
As he finished the painting with glaze.
But it aged where it hung
While the subject stayed young,
For the portrait was Dorian Gray’s.

Will T. Laughlin:

We applaud when the Head Chef okays
His filets in a veal demi-glaze.
As he sends out the plate,
Cries the maître d’: “Wait!
Mr. Trump says it needs mayonnaise!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (168)

Saturday, June 14th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“A split of your assets seems right,”
Said the judge to the couple’s delight,
“But I’m taking the collie
Away ’cause, by golly,
I won’t halve a dog in this fight.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Though our dog is unable to write,
He can play the piano all night.
He finds Chopin a breeze
As he chews up the keys,
But his Bach is far worse than his bite.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Colleen Murphy, Brian Allgar, Bob Dvorak, Will T. Laughlin, Allen Wilcox, and Chris Doyle. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Konrad Schwoerke:

As he soars, banking left and then right,
He’s exalted by effortless flight.
He considers a joint,
But there’s really no point;
He’s already as high as a kite.

Colleen Murphy:

The one time my husband was right
He squealed like a pig with delight,
But I took it in stride
As I knew deep inside
His chance of recurrence was slight.

Brian Allgar:

The witch was performing her rite
In Macbeth, giving Gingrich a fright.
When she reached “Eye of Newt”
He jumped up, and said “Shoot!
She ain’t gettin’ my eyeballs tonight!”

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow was trying to write
A limerick funny and trite.
But he harbored a hunch
That his lines held no punch,
So he drank some and slept through the night.

Will T. Laughlin:

Congressional folk on the Right
Resemble a 20-Watt light:
They’re easy to buy;
Don’t get changed ’til they die;
And — of course — they’re not terribly bright.

Allen Wilcox:

“We don’t see why you can’t write Wright right,”
Said Orville and Wilbur with bite.
The reporter, who had
Never seen them so mad,
Thought it best that he too take up flight.

Chris Doyle:

A young lawyer who hated to write
Legal documents gave up the fight
When she noticed that meter
And rhyme were much sweeter.
For Mad, it was love at verse sight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (167)

Saturday, June 7th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Her eyes were the color of slate.
And her oral endurance? First-rate.
Half a dozen and two
Guys collapsed while she blew.
It all proved that she sure could fell eight.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Her eyes were the color of slate.
Her breasts would increase my heart’s rate.
And now that I think
Of the part that was pink,
This last line will just have to wait.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Konrad Schwoerke, Chris Doyle, Jen Harris, Brian Allgar, CJ@ProArtz, Sue Dulley, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Konrad Schwoerke:

The sea was the color of slate
When we spied her afloat on a crate.
Once aboard our small ship
She began a slow strip,
So we drew to see who she’d first mate.

Chris Doyle:

With an Aussie tour topping his slate,
William tended to matters of state.
He could not have foretold
What the world would behold
On his trip — the “down under” of Kate.

Jen Harris:

I’m forgetful — my mind’s a blank slate.
But poetry can carry weight.
Now – what was I writing?
For what am I fighting?
Please apprize me, before it’s too late.

Brian Allgar:

His teeth are the colour of slate;
He walks with a simian gait;
He has a huge belly
That shakes like a jelly –
Which is why he prefers a blind date.

CJ@ProArtz:

I’m aging — my mind’s a blank slate.
My hair loss reveals a bald pate.
I’m so ready to squeal
Over lost sex appeal.
My only gain, lately, is weight.

Sue Dulley:

The menu, scrawled out on a slate
In the pub, let us choose what we ate.
The food was not ‘light’
And the staff took all night,
But the dinner was well worth the weight.

Fred Bortz:

With Agnew on Tricky Dick’s slate,
The country would first have to wait
For Crook 2 to resign.
Then the boss was in line
To receive his appropriate fate.

But Gerry Ford then cleared the slate,
Leaving us in a dubious state.
But there’s one thing for sure,
When a pol is impure,
The scandal will end with a “gate.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (166)

Saturday, May 31st, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman whose hair is all mussed
Avows that the wind is robust,
Though everyone sees
By the dirt on her knees,
It was caused by a blow, not a gust.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for two limericks, each of which received the most Facebook “likes.”

In school, the three R’s were a must,
But at ‘rithmetic I was a bust.
My subtracting is fine,
But when adding, like 9
And 16, I get somehow nonplussed.

and

The Tin Man, like everyone, must
Meet his Maker and wind up as dust,
But unlike you and me,
On his stone “R.I.P.”
Will denote it’s in peace that he’ll rust.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Johanna Richmond, Kirk Miller, Konrad Schwoerke, and Shannon Tucker. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

The couple emerged very mussed
From a tryst that had sated their lust.
They enjoyed S and M,
He informed us: “Ahem,
Yes she is the one that I trussed.”

Sue Dulley:

Some weeks I decide that I must
Stop yielding to limerick lust.
Then a quick look, and — yikes —
So many rate “Likes.”
My resolve soon dissolves into dust.

Brian Allgar:

Inga’s clothes were disheveled and mussed;
The wife found her husband and cussed:
“I have told you before,
The au pair’s not a whore,
So you’ve not paid her this time, I trust!”

Robert Basler:

A vat of stomped grapes is called must.
Without it, your wine would go bust.
So squish all that pinot
And make us some vino.
Who knows? It could lead to some lust!

Robert Schechter:

On every piano there must
Be a dignified Beethoven bust
To look down its nose
At the tunes you compose
And to shoot you a look of disgust.

Johanna Richmond:

On my birthday it’s hard but I must
Wear a grin and disguise my disgust.
Though I’m glad to get older,
The ache in my shoulder
Is putting a crimp in my lust.

Kirk Miller:

The man’s horny and knows that he must
Tell his wife that he’s feeling much lust.
If his wife’s in the mood,
He’ll suggest something lewd
And then hope that his wife gets his thrust.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a camel in must
Who could not quench the heat of his lust.
In that hot desert setting,
With limited sweating,
The beastie was quick to combust.

Shannon Tucker:

“Good grades are an absolute must!”
They say throughout school, but I just
Don’t think that mere grades
Will reward you in spades:
Better, grades and a double D bust.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Before there is wine there is must.
Before there is love there is lust.
This linear flow
Is everywhere, so
Before there are bunnies there’s dust.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (165)

Saturday, May 24th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

Said the fiddler who’d broken his bow,
“Have no fear! I’m a consummate pro!
I’ll do what I gotta
With pure pizzicata,
And with pluck I will finish the show!”

Congratulations to KEVIN AHERN and SCOTT CROWDER, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Kevin Ahern:

As he tied up his art with a bow,
The artist declared “I don’t know
How I’ll get to the Louvre
Because I can’t move.
I wish I could make my van Gogh.”

Scott Crowder:

A woman broke up with her beau,
The banker who had lotsa dough,
And gave her gold rings
With other nice things,
Yet nary a single big O.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

“The hooker’s gone aft!” hollers Beau
As the yacht sinks. Says Jeff, “Let her go.
We have only one oar
In the dinghy. What’s more,
Daddy swore she’s a hard ho to row.”

Colleen Murphy:

I once tried to shoot with a bow,
Then I searched for my shaft to and fro.
I could tell I was not
William Tell when my shot
Found its mark in my neighbor kid’s toe.

Ailsa McKillop:

I undid the ribbon and bow
Of the chess program gift from my bro.
By computer outclassed
I was checkmated fast!
But I won the next match — taekwondo.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, Lenore!” cried her heartbroken beau,
“Shall I see you again?” Poor old Poe
Heard a tap at the door,
And a voice: “Nevermore!”
Thus the raven continued to crow.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The President’s dog is named Bo,
And whenever he’s planning to go
And do something good
Like all doggies should,
The Republican dogs all bark, “NO!!!!!”

Will T. Laughlin:

A woman got dumped by her beau.
“But… why?” she demanded to know.
“To be honest,” he said,
“You’ve no talent for head.”
(Now they’ve BOTH had a terrible blow.)

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A musician was buying a bow
For which instrument he didn’t know.
“If I’m feeling mellow
It might be a cello
But fiddling’s my failing. Let’s go!”

Val Fish:

A woman broke up with her beau
Whose assets were woefully low.
She waved him goodbye
For a far sweeter guy;
Sugar daddy with truck-loads more dough.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (164)

Saturday, May 17th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A filcher of cookware did pick
An attorney exceedingly slick.
With no frippery, he’ll
Do a slippery deal
That will make all the charges non-stick.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Brian Allgar:

“Choose a card, any card, take your pick,”
Said the conjurer doing his trick.
So I pilfered his Visa,
The silly old geezer,
And vanished from sight double-quick.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Chris O’Carroll, Will T. Laughlin, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

“It’s Robin,” said Miley, “I’ll pick
To perform with on stage in a shtick
Where I’m bending and twerking,
Symbolically jerking
Him off.” Yes, she laid it on Thicke.

Steve Whitred:

George Carlin performed and said pick
The appropriate place to say “prick.”
Go ahead, prick your finger,
But if you malinger
And finger your prick, you’re a hick.

Chris O’Carroll:

A woman was trying to pick
Which suitor to date. She mused, “Mick
Is well hung; so is Nick;
Whereas Brick’s smaller dick
Is offset by a bankroll that’s thick.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Today’s GOP tends to pick
Its facts from attacks that will stick.
Now history shows
They were picking their Knows
While the planet grew terribly sick.

Tim James:

It wasn’t too prudent to pick
Up a six-pack and knock it back quick.
But there’s no need to fear;
I don’t bet gunk from dreer.
So I’m sone stober, Ocifer (*hic*).

Konrad Schwoerke:

If it’s sex you crave, Leila’s my pick,
And the toys she employs are so slick.
Though she’s often engaged,
You can still have her paged.
That’s cuz Leila does not miss a trick.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (163)

Sunday, May 11th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The plan? Get a stripper to break
Through the icing, and jump from the cake.
But we blew it, I fear.
So remember: next year,
Put the woman in AFTER we bake.

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN and MARK KANE, who tie in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

If you’re in your car, you should brake
Whenever you come to a lake,
Cause cars cannot go
Inside H20,
And you can’t attend your own wake.

Mark Kane:

Dear hubby, please take a short break.
Remember the deal: Give and Take?
I’m sensing your need,
But please don’t proceed,
Until you are sure I’m awake.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

These tools have a bond we can’t break
Since by nature they’re both on the make.
So you’ll see them all day
In the field making hay–
That’s the way of a hoe and a rake.

Steve Whitred:

A golfer could not catch a break
From the bogeys he’d frequently make.
Though his goal was to scratch
Ev’ry hole in the match,
In the end he just couldn’t par take.

Brian Allgar:

Count Dracula, taking a break
At a restaurant, made a mistake.
He thought that ‘filet’
Was the dish of the day,
But they gave him instead a big stake.

Allen Wilcox:

A woman was trying to break
A habit that made her heart ache.
She slept when friends died.
“I can’t help it,” she cried.
“It’s so hard to awake at a wake.”

Tim James:

A bottle blonde just couldn’t break
Her compulsion to go on the make.
The old rich guys she’d bed
Had their egos well fed
‘Cause her hair wasn’t all that she’d fake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (162)

Sunday, May 4th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A British lad, Jack, hunts for guys.
When he’s queried on this, he replies:
“I don’t know what it means.
I’m just drawn to their jeans.
Now they’re calling me ‘Lord of the Flies.’”

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN and COLLEEN MURPHY, who tie in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

He loved his nights out with the guys,
But left early one night — a surprise.
His wife said, “Oh, dear,
Since you were not here,
I tried your best friend on for size.”

Colleen Murphy:

Deliliah kept dating these guys
Who stared at her breasts, not her eyes.
So she wore baggy shirts.
Then if guys were still flirts,
She’d award them the big booby prize.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Judith H. Block, Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Kathy El-Assal, and Chris O’Carroll. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

The parents of wee girls and guys
Respond with a thousand replies.
Well, here’s a suggestion:
For every question
“Because” is a word to the “whys.”

Judith H. Block:

A woman was dating three guys.
Each one was a gem. What a prize!
One dazzled her mind,
One musically shined,
And one’s cock was a wonderous size!

Bob Dvorak:

A woman was dating three guys:
A doc; a tycoon; but the prize
Was a lama, undoing
The fun in the screwing.
But she’s healthier, wealthy, and wise.

Tim James:

Miss Uhura was dating three guys
And, when asked if she thought that was wise,
Said, “Why not? Kirk will bed
Any chick who’s not dead.
It’s the essence of free Enterprise!”

Steve Whitred:

A woman was dating three guys,
Thinking each would the other despise.
But she one day, it’s said,
Found all three in her bed,
Which was quite the ménage à surprise.

Kathy El-Assal:

Droll master of stealth and disguise,
Boris Badenov told lots of lies.
He’d dress like a pasha
Rush in with Natasha…
Deflecting attempts to diss spies.

Chris O’Carroll:

Said a gal who was dating three guys,
“In their own ways, they’re all sweetie-pies,
But my days and my nights
Need more spicy delights
Than any one lover supplies.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (161)

Saturday, April 26th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

With manners polite and restrained
Victoria’s household was trained.
At twenty past three
Someone else served her tea –
The Queen never poured when she reigned.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s Easter. We’ve run out of money;
Our rabbit’s regarding us funny.
We can’t afford lamb,
And we’ve finished the spam –
She suspects she’ll become roasted bunny.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“You are guilty of meter that’s strained,
And of puns that are terribly pained.
You’ll be struck twenty times
For your crimes against rhymes;
Please step forth to be Madeleine-caned.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Krodman a/k/a Elisson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

After one week of matzah, he strained
To egest all the stuff that remained.
The whole town heard him howl
From the pain in his bowel.
Alas, he’d from prune juice refrained.

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the rabbi, “Commandment from heaven
Says you have to get rid of your leaven
By Nissan 14.”
What on earth could he mean?
I drive a Toyota 07!

Steve Krodman

Now it’s Pesach. The thing that I dread
Comes from all that damned unleavened bread.
For whenever I eat,
It sets up like concrete,
And I spend all my time in the head.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Strained Limerick Division” (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Chris Doyle, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

They asked why my Dad’s been restrained
From approaching Bill Gates. I explained
That his eyes become crazed,
Turning glassy and glazed –
At the mention of ‘Windows’, he’s pained.

Robert Schechter:

If Clinton had been more restrained,
If before he was done he’d refrained,
Both Monica’s dress
And his good name, I guess,
Would have come through the scandal unstained.

Chris Doyle:

All of Denmark’s top quad sculls have strained
Through long workouts and tirelessly trained
For the national race,
Which — let’s cut to the chase –
Makes first place for one crew four-oar-Daned.

Tim James:

A woman had struggled and strained
To keep her young beau entertained.
With all of that sexing
She found something vexing:
Who suspected that *that* could get sprained?

Konrad Schwoerke:

When Mark’s bawdiness can’t be restrained,
Does dear Mad feel her contest’s profaned?
Does her presence of mind
Turn to anger that’s blind?
And if so, does dear Mad have Mark Kaned?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (160)

Saturday, April 12th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A crabber got into a scrap
With a mermaid who gave him a slap.
’Twas his rude repartee
After setting her free.
He should never have opened his trap.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My husband decided to scrap
The need for consulting a map,
Which of course would explain
How we ended in Maine,
Instead of the Cumberland Gap.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

A fellow got into a scrap
When undoing the bimbo’s bra-strap.
As he tugged the elastic,
He punctured the plastic,
Deflating the doll on his lap.

Chris Doyle:

It appears I will soon have to scrap
Using plastic to buy all my crap.
Keeping MasterCard waiting
For payment’s creating
A creditability gap.

Colleen Murphy:

The young lass decided to scrap
Her plans with the old British chap.
Though he rocked in a suit
And his accent was cute,
Too often he needed a nap.

Tim James:

On Fridays he’d frequently scrap
All his scruples, and not give a crap.
First a keg of good brew
Followed up with a screw:
An end-of-the-week double tap.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (159)

Sunday, April 6th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

When you’re singing the Anthem, beware!
Choose the pitch that you start on with care.
Even old Francis Scott
Went off-Key when he got
To the line, “And the rocket’s red glare…”

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was quite unaware
That her spouse had a job at La Bare,
Till she went out with friends
To look at rear ends,
And spotted his sweet derrière.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Konrad Schwoerke, Joel Wasinger, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Christopher Finch Reynolds, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The sign on the gate said “Beware
Of the Shih Tzu” – too tiny to scare.
But the son of the house
Had a Pit Bull, the louse –
I was bit by the dog of the heir!

Chris Doyle:

The hot couple next door to us wear
Not a stitch – mother-naked, buff-bare –
Lounging out by their pool.
Having neighbors is cool
When they’re not such a clothes-minded pair.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My wife disappeared — don’t know where.
To be honest, I really don’t care.
I expect them to leave me,
So this doesn’t peeve me.
My dungeon holds many a spare.

Joel Wasinger:

Her jeans were très chic “tear and wear,”
And she’d mindfully messed up her hair.
Forgive my dissension,
But so much attention
For a look that says, “Meh, I don’t care.”

Sue Dulley:

Rocks and mud slide down hills everywhere,
Airplanes vanish right out of thin air,
And now Windows XP
May quite soon cease to be,
And that really does give me a scare.

Robert Schechter:

Some say there’s an afterlife where
Sweet heavenly tunes fill the air.
But they tell me as well
That there’s also a hell
Where the music is Sonny and Cher.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

The boastful old man was aware
That the top of his head was quite bare:
“It should be quite plain
That the size of my brain
Means that no room is left for my hair.”

Tim James:

My gal disappeared ― don’t know where.
I’ve a nugget of wisdom to share:
With your love, set a goal
Like the one when you bowl
And make sure that you pick up a spare.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (158)

Saturday, March 29th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow whose mortgage was due
Had even more woes than he knew.
His payment, though late,
Was the least of his fate;
His wife and his girlfriend were too.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who (in a tie with himself) wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these two limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

When a crone caused a London to-do
Hiding blades in the heel of her shoe,
And she carved up a dame
In a lav, she became
The old woman who shivved in a loo.

A wildebeest’s blue, and it’s due
To a shortage of does in the zoo.
He doesn’t know when
He’ll be mating again,
So he waits to go wooing a gnu.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Bob Leggett, Chris Doyle, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

Dan’s wife kept her Dippity Do
In a jar on the dresser — Woohoo!
“If it stiffens her hair,”
Wondered Dan, “do I dare?”
Now Dan’s dippity ding-dong is blue.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

It was foggy and thick was the dew,
And I thought it was time for a screw.
When she climbed into bed
And began to give head,
Then like Adam and Eve we both “knew.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

“Stop telling me what I must do!”
The dog thought when caught with a shoe.
“You’ve still got one more
Right there on the floor.
Why not share with me, when there are two?”

Brian Allgar: (“quoting” Moses)

“Stop telling us what we should do!
Commandments? OK, one or two,
But on marble, all ten?
Can’t You just use a pen
On a substance that’s light, like bamboo?”

Colleen Murphy:

The stonehead said, “What shall I do?”
When he looked at his recent tattoo.
See, he realized too late
He had inked the name “Kate,”
But she was the girl, before Sue.

Bob Leggett:

A woman at last got her due
When she got to the head of the queue:
“Your offer I see
Is buy one, get one free.
I would like to buy one single shoe.”

Chris Doyle:

I’m a shepherd with little to do,
As I tend to the flock the night through.
To help me not sleep,
I snuggle a sheep—
My sexy embraceable ewe.

Will T. Laughlin:

His weakness is Tullamore Dew.
If they give him a tumbler or two,
Then his lips will unseal,
And it’s probable he’ll
Tullamore than he knows that he knew.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (157)

Saturday, March 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the convent, once matins are done,
Comes the time before terce is begun.
That’s when Scrabble is played,
‘Cause the abbess has made
Entertainment a sine qua nun.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The fragrance of Spring fills the air!
Birds sing, and the weather is fair;
The sky’s a bright blue
Of a dazzling hue,
And I’m frankly too busy to care.

From their beds the first crocuses climb,
And the early narcissus. While I’m
All alone in the gloom
Of my dimly-lit room
As I make these “Spring” limericks rhyme.

Congratulations to Robert Basler, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow cried, “What have I done!
“I’ve been having hot sex with a nun!
“Yes, I got in the habit –
“Oh my God, oh dagnabbit!
“My sin’s been confessed as a pun!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Joel Wasinger, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A gal got a bit overdone
When she lounged in the buff in the sun.
It imparted a glow
(Please don’t ask how I know)
To the tats on each well-toasted bun.

Joel Wasinger:

“These lim’ricks already cite Donne;
They’ve taken my angle and fun.”
My wife says, “Who cares?
Just add yours to theirs.
‘OverDonne’ is a workable pun.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The big cowboy’s fly was undone.
She thought that she might have some fun.
She wiggled her hips,
Then moistened her lips,
But all that stuck out was his gun.

Brian Allgar:

She protested “My fish isn’t done,
And I’m cold at this table for one.”
Removing her flounder,
The waiter soon found her
An excellent plaice in the sun.

Jon Gearhart:

A woman was feeling undone,
Alone as a party of one.
She tried PC Date
To help find a mate.
Her ‘inbox’ is now overrun.

Will T. Laughlin:

It’s Spring! Let the greenery grow!
And the blossoms, in colorful show,
Explode into flowers!
Because in twelve hours
They’re going to be buried in snow.

Brian Allgar:

“In Springtime”, the naturalist boasted,
“There’s many a field trip I’ve hosted.
We love, as we ramble,
To see the lambs gambol,
And love them still more when they’re roasted.”

Tim James:

It’s cold, and the skies are all gray
And the forecast says sleet’s on the way.
My spirits are sinking;
I think I’ll start drinking
And wait for when Spring starts, in May.

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

Here I romp with my love twixt the heather
With my kilt hiked up high in spring weather.
Neath sun-swirled highland mist
On warm moss, by dew kissed,
We’re exploring those regions called nether.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (156)

Sunday, March 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The contestants would spin the big wheel,
Then Vanna turned cards to reveal
Some quite obvious phrase.
‘Twould _er_lex and amaze!
I never could gras_ the a_ _eal.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The Teapers are seizing the wheel
Of the GOP van with their zeal.
Here’s their plan: do away
With the damn A.C.A.,
Turn off welfare, then slay the New Deal.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Colleen Murphy, Chris Doyle, Joel Wasinger, Kevin Ahern, Brian Allgar, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A cave man invented the wheel.
He hoped to get rich off the deal:
“I only require
“The right name for my tire.
“This will be a good year now, I feel.”

Colleen Murphy:

When you’re spinning a pottery wheel
It is better to temper your zeal,
Or the clay you have thrown
Will take shapes of its own
Which are short on artistic appeal.

Chris Doyle:

In the Navy, my hubby’s a wheel–
The elite special forces’ ideal,
But at home he’s a slouch
Who just sleeps on the couch,
And won’t earn his Good Housekeeping Seal.

Joel Wasinger:

A man fell asleep at the wheel
‘Cause his wife had just copped a quick feel.
They both thought it was hot
But somehow forgot
He dozed off after sex or a meal.

Kevin Ahern:

Painter Dali was quite the big wheel
And whenever he sat for a meal
For breakfast or lunch
He ate Cap’n Crunch
Because he just loved the surreal.

Brian Allgar:

“You shouldn’t say ‘us’ll’, but ‘we’ll,’”
The Harvard boy tells us – big deal!
Old rednecks like us,
Why, us don’t give a cuss,
’Cause us’ll get richer than he’ll.

Will T. Laughlin:

The Government tends to our weal,
Yet too many Conservatives feel
That our *weal* is a welt
That deserves to be dealt
By the force of a down-treading heel.

Brian Allgar:

A woman was changing the wheel
When a fellow appeared, full of zeal.
“May I help you?” he said,
But she bashed in his head
And made off with his automobile.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (155)

Sunday, March 9th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

Father Fine teaches art and design
At St. Joe’s and is known to use wine
To get lads to undress
And caress him. So yes,
I would guess every good boy does Fine.

Congratulations to Mark Kane and Fred Bortz, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for the limerick receiving the most Facebook “likes.”

Mark Kane:

A comic worked hard to design
A routine which allowed him to shine.
He’d set out a bowl,
Spike the juice, then cajole
Out the laughs from his loaded punch line.

Fred Bortz:

A scandalous spying design
Led to President Nixon’s decline.
His brash overreach
Caused the House to impeach
And led Tricky Dick to resign.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle and Brian Allgar, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange about Edward Lear, widely recognized as the “father” of the limerick:

Chris Doyle:

Who’da thunk Edward Lear would design
A new verse form we had to refine
So as not to repeat,
Word for word, the three feet
At the start in the terminal line?

Brian Allgar, speaking for Edward Lear:

Mr Doyle, my splendid design
Pleases many, so why do you whine?
I regret that your taste
For the new has debased,
Mr Doyle, my splendid design.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Tim James, Sallie McKenna, Will T. Laughlin, Chris Doyle, Brian Allgar, and Kevin Ahern. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

A woman worked hard to design
An After Ten dress to define
Her nice set of cones
And erogenous zones,
But her date ripped it off before nine!

Tim James:

Our language is strange in design.
If the plural of “cow” can be “kine,”
Then explain to me how
Just one swine’s not a “swow”
And a bride doesn’t take wedding vine?

Sallie McKenna:

A woman worked hard to design
A new look for her scruffy canine;
She tied ribbons and bows,
Then she tweeted a pose.
In a trice, he got four dates online!

Will T. Laughlin says:

So now we see Putin’s design.
His beady eyes narrow and shine:
“Send bombers! Send tanks!
Send troops on both flanks
(This’ll keep Pussy Riot in line)!”

Chris Doyle:

The proctologist knows the design
Of my colon, but still I’ll decline
The exam he’ll suggest
‘Cause his mother knows best:
That’s a place where the son doesn’t shine.

Brian Allgar:

A woman asked God to design
A companion who’d treat her just fine.
But the spare rib – bad luck! -
Was a pig’s, so she’s stuck
With another male chauvinist swine.

Kevin Ahern:

I think you should know the design–
Why we toast to the great pinot shrine:
“The wine,” said a sage
“May get better with age”
“But it’s age that gets better with wine.”

Will T. Laughlin:

We workers in graphic design
Have a precept we’d like to enshrine:
Should the customer want
Comic Sans as his font,
We will pickle his noggin in brine.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (154)

Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In a fleece, back and forth, the wolf paced,
Sneaking up on some prey which he chased.
He tried ewe, he tried ram,
Finally captured a lamb,
Which he then took the thyme to lamb baste.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Their first date had been rather fast-paced
‘Til she slapped him, and ended his haste.
She explained, “There’s a good
Chance you misunderstood
When I said I prefer to be chaste.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

If the LGBT are outpaced
And these homophobe laws are embraced
We’ll look back and exclaim
“Where were we when they came
And our rights, one by one, were erased?”

***

I’ve a friend, or I had one, of late.
Things between us are not all that great.
He greets anti-gay laws
With a quiet applause,
Though their logic he never can state.

It’s the bible he says in the end,
A position he cannot defend.
If we legislate ‘sin,’
Tell me where to begin.
Did you know that it’s sinful to lend?

If your haircut is shaped by a bowl,
If your mare and your ass have a foal,
If you eat crab or pork,
Or you live in New York,
‘bomination will be on your soul.

So I say to my friend, not in haste,
“Even though you think ‘gays’ are debased,
It’s hypocrisy’s height
To deny them their right,
For not one of us truly is chaste.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

Old photos in albums I paste–
Here’s Grandma, with wasp-worthy waist.
She must be nineteen
(In inches, I mean)
Back then, just as later, strait-laced.

Chris Doyle:

“One, two, three…,” Noah says making paste
With tomatoes, so none go to waste
In his homemade ragout,
Which some cheer and some boo
‘Cause there’s just Noah counting for taste.

Steve Whitred:

The filly “My Father Eats Paste”
Never won, never showed, never placed
Whereas horse number 2
“I Don’t Want To Be Glue”
Is a winner whenever she’s raced.

Brian Allgar:

A woman whose life was fast-paced,
Made some soup that was lacking in taste.
“Forget it!” she yelped.
“Some herbs might have helped,
But I really have no thyme to waste.”

Scott Crowder:

A woman whose life was fast-paced,
And hadn’t the time to be chased,
Was keen on a man,
She called Steely Dan,
Whose batteries could be replaced.

Robert Schechter:

I brush all my teeth with a paste
That’s infused with a fresh minty taste.
It makes a nice foam!
But since Charleston’s my home
I must rinse with industrial waste.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!