Posts Tagged ‘Kirk Miller’

Limerick-Off Award (274)

Saturday, April 1st, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Concentration is what you’ll require
If you’re searing some sirloins with fire
On a towering grill
On the top of a hill,
For the steaks will have never been higher.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special POWER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

That Greedy Old Party in power
Keeps screwing the poor by the hour.
Those cretinous heels
Want to crash Meals on Wheels
So the rich can have more to devour.

Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

It was dark down at Joe’s Bar and Grill.
Not a sound. It was perfectly still.
Had to kill Happy Hour;
They’d lost all their power.
Must remember to pay that damned bill!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Gross, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Jeanine Silverio, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRILL-Rhyme DIVISION)

Chris Gross:

You remember the nursery rhyme drill,
When two kids took a stroll up a hill?
Seems that Jack tumbled down
And broke off his new crown,
After Jill got all up in his grill.

Brian Allgar:

“As a chef, I am great!” was his boast.
“I can cook the books better than most.
Though I don’t have the skill
To put bread on the grill,
I can turn the whole country to toast.”

Sharon Neeman:

No, I’m not being rude, Auntie Jill.
Yes, you are a good driver… but still,
If you must hit a cop,
You’d be wiser to stop
Displaying his pants on your grille!

Tim James:

A man at the town bar and grill
Ate and drank with abandon until
He took note of his weight.
Then he planned his estate,
Proving where there’s a weigh there’s a will.

Brian Allgar:

The whale, a baleen, had a grille
To filter the plankton and krill,
But she ran out of luck
The day Jonah got stuck
And she just couldn’t swallow the pill.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

The scene: a spring day, warm and still;
Two lovers, and meat on the grill;
Just as things start to sizzle,
Rain starts with a drizzle
And fizzles their afternoon thrill.

Sharon Neeman:

Come over! There’s steak on the grill,
And beer and martinis. Come chill!
One catch: our discussion
Can NOT mention “Russian,”
“The travel ban,” “golf” or “The Bill.”

Jeanine Silverio:

Never felt I was over the hill
(Though I’m bald and lost most of my grill),
Up until summer break
When I barbecued steak;
Now it’s fall and I’m gumming it still.

Fred Bortz’s Patio Store Confidential

Hissed the barbecue spit, “Please be still,
Or you’ll never grow up as a grill!
The humans can’t know
That at night, we all glow.”
The hibachi responded, “I will!”

From the pool section came a reply.
“I’ll protect her. Lord knows, I will try.
She brings me such joy,
Because I am a buoy
Who loves grills. That I cannot deny.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POWER-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

He had finally got her alone
When the power went out. With a moan,
He discovered that night
She was quite a delight —
For his circuits weren’t all that got blown.

Kirk Miller:

A snow storm left people without
Any power, so folks are no doubt
Neither cheered nor consoled
When it’s bitterly cold
Hearing: “Have an ice day and chill out.”

Dave Johnson:

The power of FAUX News upset her.
(You’ll notice there’s one extra letter.)
And yes, I agree
There should only be three;
Removing the “A” makes it better.

Sharon Neeman:

In this dark and, yes, desperate hour,
Looking up at the lights of Trump Tower,
I remember with dread
What George Orwell once said:
“The object of power is power.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (270)

Saturday, February 4th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

His horn-rims, bow tie and slicked hair
Are so retro that people just stare.
He’s been growing rotund-er,
Which leads me to wonder
How someone so round can be square.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special DISHONESTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dear Kelly Ann Conway: I swear
On my best day, I never would dare
To tap-dance like you,
Claiming something is true.
Admiringly yours,
— Fred Astaire.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, J Cosmo Newbery, Brian Allgar, Wendy Playter, Will T. Laughlin, Tim James,
Richard Campbell, Sharon Neeman, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (STARE/STAIR RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson

She stood by the uppermost stair;
Then rode down the banister bare.
Her lover’s surmise
From the look in her eyes:
“She’s warming my dinner with care.”

J Cosmo Newbery:

When Godiva paraded, all bare,
The townsfolk agreed not to stare.
But temptation was steep,
And young Tom took a peep,
Then swore he’d just looked at her hair.

Brian Allgar:

When your gaze is a menacing stare,
And your small, piggy eyes seem to glare,
And your mouth is agape –
No, you’re not a Great Ape,
Just the POTUS they’re calling “Mein Herr”.

Wendy Playter:

A classic rock fan named Janelle
Went down to her basement, but fell.
Her Led Zeppelin flair
Was smashed on the stair,
And now it’s a stairway to hell.

Will T. Laughlin:

World leaders continue to stare
At the man with the ludicrous hair:
They find it bewild’rin’
That refugee children
Give Trump such a pants-wetting scare.

Tim James:

When he and his bride tied the knot
Their relations were frequent and hot.
They made love on the stair.
Standing up. In a chair.
The result: a bad back is his lot.

Richard Campbell:

The mountain path rose like a stair,
But it led to a grizzly bear’s lair.
What I did not foresee
Was that good-tasting me
Would become that damn bear’s dinner fare.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DISHONESTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Alternative facts are so crass!
Their users lack wit, sense and class —
But oh, how they’ll grieve
When the web that they weave
Trips them up and they fall on their (_|_)!

Tim James:

I suspect that Trump lies when he speaks
About Vlad and the lev’rage he seeks.
“Money, hookers and pee?
He’s got nothing on me!”
Pity Trump; he’s been damaged by leaks.

Kirk Miller:

Politicians have tried to disguise
Their false statements, a ploy I despise.
They’re not alternate facts
Or fake news. Each distracts
From the truth. They are just simply lies!

Will T. Laughlin: (Be sure to click on his line 5 link for the translation and Russian pronunciation.)

“Mr. Trump? We have all heard you bellow
That you don’t enjoy showers of yellow.
But the truth must be told:
Are you Russian-controlled?”
Said Trump: “это не твое дело!”

Sharon Neeman:

Trumpty Dumpty, he ran on a wall;
He said Mexico’d pay, I recall —
But that orange-haired liar
Set OUR pants on fire
By making us pay for it all.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (267)

Saturday, December 24th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It’s clear that I haven’t a clue
How to clean out a chimney. It’s true;
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head.
Now I’m laid up in bed from the flue.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special PARTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A beekeeper friend of mine, Marty,
Remarked with a laugh that was hearty:
“When a new hive is done,
Bees and I have some fun.
I throw them a house swarming party.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Judith H. Block, David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Wendy Playter, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLU” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARTY LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

They were partying; he was so high,
LSD made him think he could fly.
Well, it’s true that he flew
For a second or two,
Till the moment he ran out of sky.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLU” RHYME DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

’Tis the season for saying, “Achoo!”
What to do for a cold or a flu?
Drink some honey and lemon
And rest till it’s stemmin’
The coughin’ and phlegmin’ in you.

Tim James:

It was Christmas Eve. Santa was due,
Bearing goodies and gifts, a whole slew.
All my hopes, though, were dashed:
In the chimney he crashed.
I’d forgotten to open the flue.

Ken Gosse:

An old woman who lived in a shoe
Lost her health when they all caught the flu,
Found a book in her cupboard
By ol’ L Ron Hubbard,
And soon lost her life savings too.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker appeared ill at ease;
Her client had started to sneeze.
He was catching the flu!
Far too risky to screw,
So she stayed at arm’s length on her knees.

Mike Burch:

A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose — thought I’d die — had to sue!
Now I’m out of my mind
Cuz the trial judge declined
My lawsuit; I’d “failed to achoo.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

The parties! The booze and the food!
The laughter; The fun, festive mood!
More platefuls? Why, YES!
Though it’s all in excess.
Can’t refuse them ’cause that would be rude!

Tim James:

We met at a New Year’s soirée,
Drinking wine till we got enivré.
Such a sweet mademoiselle,
And a fille oh so belle!
And the way she could French made my day.

David Reddekopp

We thought that the party was super
And we drank ourselves into a stupor.
Then in came the dog
To drop a large log;
That bitch was a big party pooper.

Richard Campbell:

It’s a party, a bash, and a binge;
An affair and a fête — but I cringe.
And my ire will ignite,
If Trump dares to invite
All his friends from the lunatic fringe.

Wendy Playter:

A party is not where it’s at
When you’re wearing an introvert’s hat.
So when it gets loud,
I exit the crowd
And I sneak off to go pet the cat.

Dave Johnson:

Her mother said “Yes, you should go;
Perhaps you might meet a new beau.”
At the party, she sighs;
The available guys
Act like Larry and Curly and Moe.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (266)

Saturday, December 10th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I know you’ve been naughty, not nice,
By indulging your energy vice.
My traditional role
Is to leave you some coal,
But you’d burn it and there goes the ice.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHOPPING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On Black Friday they heeded the call
To Go Buy! They jammed in, wall-to-wall.
Trampling, mayhem and fights
Are the ample delights
Of tradition: The Great Shopping Maul.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Jeanine Silverio, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Linda Ann Nickerson, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“ICE” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect’s put it on ice.

Robert Schechter:

An Eskimo asked, “What advice
Would you give me to help me entice
A woman in Gnome
To come into my home?”
I said, “You must first break the ice.”

Brian Allgar:

If your wife asks for helpful advice
About jeans she’s just purchased, think twice.
“Do they make me look fat?”
“Only slightly.” Then, splat!
Now I’m soothing my eye with some ice.

Suzanne Heymann:

I once had a head full of lice,
And a friend said, “Just freeze ’em with ice.
Simply stick your whole head
On the Knik River bed.”
Now I’m buried and dead. (Great advice!)

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

For you couples all looking to spice
Up your love life, well here’s some advice:
Think your wife’s down to earth
And cares not for net worth?
She’ll get hot for two carats of ice.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My mail-order bride wasn’t nice.
Said my legerdemain was a vice,
And magicians are lame,
So I’m hardly to blame
For turning the bitch into ICE.

Tim James:

A plumber tried breaking the ice
With the lady next door. She was nice,
And she made her needs plain.
So he snaked out her drain.
She was thoroughly satisfied. Twice.

Wendy Playter:

A mob boss named Sugary Ned
Liked baked goods and one day he said,
“It would be very nice
If this cake got some ice!”
(And later the cake turned up dead.)

Robert Schechter:

When you die, if you pay a high price
They avow they will put you on ice
And thaw you someday
The moment that they
Are able, so you can live twice.

But don’t bother, my friend. I will bet you
There’s little this process will net you,
For even if they
Could cure you someday
It’s more likely by far they’d forget you.

Linda Ann Nickerson:

My neighbor’s demeanor’s like ice.
He gives answers unkind, imprecise.
He’ll stop, stand, and stare
With nary a care,
And he won’t take his own bad advice.

When pigs fly, he’ll pick up his trash,
And he may even burn up his stash.
The scents from his deck
Bounce like a bad check,
So daily our teeth we do gnash.

And still, as he passes, I wave,
But hope he’ll go back in his cave.
He won’t be ignored,
For he’s head of the Board,
So all of us have to behave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOPPING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The shop-lifting queen often gloats
Of the number of items she totes.
“I’m thin before thieving,
But fat when I’m leaving –-
Five sweaters, four skirts, and three coats.”

Dave Johnson:

They ordered a fancy new phone
Delivered by Amazon drone.
The service was fast,
But left them aghast;
Their chimney’s a dropping-off zone.

Suzanne Heymann:

Have you ever seen some woman shopping,
While her man tags along with store-hopping?
He’s there holding her bags,
While she tries on new rags.
On and on he just lags without stopping!

How about, at the end of the day,
She should let him just have his own way;
He will tell her, “I dare
You to put on and wear
Just your birthday suit there on display!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (264)

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He poured her a very nice Cab,
But she didn’t drink any, or gab.
And the sex later flopped:
When he poked her, she popped.
It’s no fun when the gal is pre-fab.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special FRUIT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Would you care for an apple?” she cooed.
He didn’t. But not to be rude,
He took a small bite.
God forgave him? Not quite.
Our merciful Lord came unglued.

God raged, and his anger was vicious.
He said what they did was pernicious!
But Adam told Eve,
“Well, I guess we must leave,
But boy was that apple delicious!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAB” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the doctor to Barney McNabb,
“Your results have come back from the lab.
Your ataxia’s worse.”
Barney turned to the nurse:
“Did the doctor just call me a cab?”

Brian Allgar:

“I can’t go to the ball, I’m so drab!”
“Don’t worry, dear – Abracadab!”
With a soft, swishing sound
Cinderella was gowned,
And the pumpkin transformed to a cab.

Steve Earp:

Said a girl Trump attempted to grab,
“Get your hands off and call me a cab.”
On encircling her waist
With bravado misplaced,
He was floored by her brutal left jab.

Sue Dulley:

On too many a cold marble slab
In a med school anatomy lab
With a tag on its toes
Lies another of those
Who refused to go home in a cab.

Robert Schechter:

My mother says, “Don’t pick a scab.”
“If you’re drunk, do not drive. Call a cab.”
And she tells Donald Trump,
“When you see a nice rump,
Remember: just look, do not grab!”

Will T. Laughlin:

“I’m drunk,” muttered Rita to Mab,
“You should probably get me a cab.”
Mab, pouring more wine,
Said, “A Cab would be fine,
But this Chardonnay, honey, is fab!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRUIT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

I’ll make money. How hard could it be
To grow fruit upon many a tree?
So an orchard I bought,
But the profits were naught.
’Twas a fruitless endeavor for me.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

My body is shaped like a pear.
At other girls’ chests guys would stare.
But I watched their boobs drop,
While mine stayed on top.
Sometimes life does end up being fair.

Tim James:

Out in public the guy was a brute,
And his legions of fans followed suit.
Grabbing privates? That’s lewd.
Though I hate to waste food,
One response crossed my mind: throwing fruit.

Suzanne Heymann:

Cherimoya and Damson and Jambul
And the Salak may seem like a gamble.
There’s the Longan, the Nance–
Go ahead, take a chance.
But you’re wondering, why do I ramble?

The Satsuma will cleanse, not pollute,
And the Yuzu, which smells nice to boot.
All these, plus Rambutan
Don’t have any gluten,
For each of these words is a fruit!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (263)

Sunday, October 16th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to STEVE EARP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this timely limerick:

He says if you’re famous you’ll find
It’s easy to bump and to grind.
So you, Trump supporter,
Just think of your daughter,
And question with whom you’re aligned.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Autumn-Themed Limerick Award for this clever limerick:

If you’re wondering what you should call
The season when Eve “had a ball,”
It used to be Autumn
Until the Lord caught ’em;
Since then, it’s been known as the Fall.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Wendy Playter, Robert Schechter, Allan Eastman, Fred Bortz, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GRIND” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

She’s known to be wholesome and kind,
And possesses a wondrous behind.
While she doesn’t hold grudges,
To dancing club judges
She does have a big ass to grind.

Kirk Miller:

Christmas shopping can be quite a grind.
The best presents? I think you will find
If you want a big lift,
Meditation’s the gift
That’s the best. You get presence of mind.

Tim James:

No woman would give him a grind,
So his sex life was all in his mind.
He knew well his own touch,
Although maybe too much:
He’s grown hair on his palms and gone blind.

Wendy Playter:

The cornmeal I ruthlessly grind
Make tacos that taste more refined.
But although higher-class,
There’s just as much gas,
And music soon follows behind.

Robert Schechter:

As a Starbucks barista I find
It’s helpful to clear out my mind
With occasional breaks,
But that’s all that it takes
To ease me back into the grind.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (AUTUMN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Allan Eastman:

A nudist group once had the gall
To protest the oncoming Fall.
“We WON’T Wear No Pants!”
They swore in their chants.
(Bet they wished they’d at least brought a shawl.)

Robert Schechter:

When autumn arrives, trees turn bare
And I’m filled with my yearly despair
That winter will come
And put frost on my bum,
And I can’t stand a cold derriere!

Fred Bortz, who celebrates the Autumn holiday known as Election Day:

From Tuesday the eighth of November
We’ll celebrate on through December
That women saw through
What that grabber would do,
And their votes soon deflated his member.

Dave Johnson:

The colorful look of the trees;
A slight little chill in the breeze.
Yes, Autumn’s sublime,
In advance of the time
When ice brings us all to our knees.

Tim James:

In late autumn, I never forego
A Thanksgiving Day feast. This year, though,
I’ll give thanks, say “Amen”
Two full weeks before then
When I see Donald Trump gobbling crow.

Suzanne Heymann:

It’s autumn, the midst of October,
When the wind blows each tree to disrobe her.
The summer did end,
And the cold’s ’round the bend,
So I don’t recommend being sober.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award Winner (262)

Saturday, October 1st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Their exertions in bed bent the frame,
Then her charley horse threatened their game.
But she shrugged the pain off
And they finished their boff.
She was lame but she came just the same.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Exercise-Themed Limerick Award, as well as the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, for this funny limerick:

Take exercise? Nah, it’s too risky;
Even sex is alarmingly frisky.
But my right hand is fit
As a fiddle, for it
Is the one that I raise to drink whisky.

Congratulations to Dave Johnson and Suzanne Heymann, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Dave Johnson:

One painting that hangs in a frame,
No kidding – it strikes me as lame.
I don’t understand
What makes it so grand;
That farmer and plain-looking dame.

Suzanne Heymann:

The one with the pitchfork in hand?
And expressionless faces so bland?
That’s my granny and gramps.
They were national champs
As the grumpiest folks in the land.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Wendy Playter, Jesse Levy, William Kendall, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Kirk Miller, Tim James, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRAME” RHYME DIVISION)

Wendy Playter:

I gazed at the muscleman’s frame
And the toilet from whence he just came.
The seat of the loo
Made me ponder anew:
What good is great strength without aim?

Jesse Levy:

My wife said, “Hey, let’s bowl a frame.”
But I answered, “It’s just not your game.”
“The last time,” I mutter,
“All went in the gutter.”
And now I am sleeping in same.

William Kendall:

To parse the political game
And assign the appropriate blame
It’s important to look
Inside of the book;
At the picture instead of the frame.

Brian Allgar:

The explorer was after big game.
He had sighted a lion, took aim,
Then he happily shot it.
Success! He had got it
Right there in the camera frame.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EXERCISE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Many folks like to go for a run,
But to me, that’s just not any fun.
’Cause to over-exert
Only makes my bod hurt,
So I’d rather go lie in the sun.

Kirk Miller:

If you’re fat, then the facts must be faced:
To poor health extra weight has been traced.
Get in shape. Kindly try it,
’Cause exercise, diet
Are ways to fight hazardous waist.

Tim James:

What’s the source of my lim’ricks? Not drink;
I just run till I’m gasping and pink.
When these verses I brew,
My brain’s starved of O2.
It explains quite a lot, don’t you think?

Dave Johnson:

He was trying to work up a sweat
And impress the hot girl he’d just met.
In spin class they spun;
But when over and done,
He was left high and dry – sopping wet.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (256)

Saturday, July 9th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BARBARA MILLIKAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick. (It was inspired by her daughter’s very successful rugby team in Lane County, Eugene, Oregon, known as the “Reign.”)

Rough and rowdy “Reign” ruggers, the bane
Of all other gal ruggers from Lane;
When it poured like a flood
All were buried in mud,
But no rain ever reined in the “Reign.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BIRD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The bird-watcher peered through his glasses,
Believing he’d seen in the grasses
The movement of plovers.
In fact, they were lovers;
He stared at two fine, naked asses.

The girl quickly covered her bits
With a towel, and yelled out “Hey, Fritz!
What d’you think you are doing?”
“Dear lady, I’m viewing
A magnificent pair of Great Tits.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Will T. Laughlin, Barry Solomons, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIN/REIGN/REIN RHYME DIVISION)

Randolph Wagner:

The Habsburgs who ruled over Spain
Were an inbreeding unsightly strain.
Since their gene pool was rotten,
Good looks weren’t begotten:
In Spain on the plain fell the reign.

Dave Johnson:

The Donald is making it plain;
He thinks that he’s ready to reign.
So what if he fails?
From all the hat sales
His wallet is posting a gain.

Brian Allgar:

At tea-time, the Queen would complain:
“The tea-pot is empty again;
I know that I filled it,
But somehow I spilled it —
I can’t pour, but I know how to reign.

Marty Gerendasy:

Tell me, what good is trav’ling by plane,
When it won’t leave the ground in the rain?
Yet another delay!
Happens day after day!
From now on, I’ll be going by train.

Judith H. Block:

You have just washed the car? It will rain.
On a picnic? It’s pouring again.
But plants need the showers.
It’s true, we love flowers.
I guess it’s not smart to complain.

Tim James, for his limerick homage to “MacArthur Park.”

The cake got left out in the rain.
And the recipe? Never again
Will I have it, that’s true.
(What’s that mean? Not a clue.
Maybe drugs make the meaning more plain.)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A limerick writer named Kane
Loved bathing outside in the rain;
When it started to fall
She ran out, baring all,
With her washcloth, imported from Spain.

I hope this rhyme doesn’t offend.
That’s not something I’d ever intend.
I just saw it so plain;
Kane’s a fine rhyme for “rain”
And too good to resist, in the end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BIRDS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

My bird-watching uncle admits
His blog would get millions of hits,
Overwhelming his host
Any time he would post
New pictures of boobies and tits.

Barry Solomons:

An ostrich let out a big sigh
And pleaded with God asking why,
You would want me to stand
With my head in the sand
When I’d love to be able to fly.

Ken Gosse, who entitles his limerick “Copy Writer,” and who was inspired by a children’s poem.

A woman who swallowed a spider,
Ended up with a bird deep inside her.
She wrote, “How absurd,
To swallow a bird,”
But not first, so the rights were denied her.

Brian Allgar:

His Lordship had picked up a girl
And he paid her to give him a whirl.
But next day, the poor chap
Had contracted the clap —
The wormy bird catches the Earl.

Tim James:

A parrot, apparently spurred
By an urge to repeat all he heard,
Spent a night by the bed
Of a gal. She turned red
When “Oh God! Oh my God!” screamed the bird.

Will T. Laughlin:

We saw a strange bird in the street.
“That’s a Fake-Crested Trump,” muttered Pete.
“How on earth can you tell?”
I inquired. Pete said, “Well,
It just let out a horrible Tweet.”

Suzanne Heymann:

When a bird and a dog had a fight,
I could not tell who had the first bite.
But an eagle so regal
Made off with a beagle
Who’d eaten a seagull last night.

Kirk Miller, whose 3-verser is (he swears) based on personal experience:

The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
’Twas a crime he considered most fowl.

To tomatoes the birds had been treatin’
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener’s wise,
A nice plan he’ll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin’.

There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he’s insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (255)

Saturday, June 25th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

A detective entreated Bernice
’Tween the sheets of the Chief of Police,
“Keep this tryst undercover.
My boss, who’s your lover,
Can’t know that you’ve fingered my piece.”

She laughed, “We’re discreet. Hold your peace.
Since that cuckolded Chief of Police
Lacks the vim and the vigor
I feel when your trigger
Is pulled, let the firing increase.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Money-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Mad’s ”Limerick-Off” is iconic,
But MONEY’s a theme that’s ironic.
Cash prize? In your dreams!
You’ll win nothing, it seems,
Not even a small gin and tonic.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tiel Aisha Ansari, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Dave Johnson, Randolph Wagner, Kirk Miller, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

A slimy young dude named Maurice
Met a widow he thought he could fleece.
But his try was for naught,
For he quickly got caught.
Now he hopes for an early release.

Brian Allgar:

His grammatical errors increase;
Wrong apostrophes litter each piece.
Then last night, around four,
Came a knock at his door:
“Open up! It’s the grammar police!”

Tiel Aisha Ansari:

When Jason returned with the Fleece
He put his whole crew on release
And all that he tendered
For services rendered–
At most, half an obol apiece.

Tim James:

“Lots of fish in the sea!” is a piece
Of old “wisdom” he cites without cease.
He beds ladies one night;
After that, he takes flight.
His philosophy: catch and release.

Brian Allgar:

There was never a moment of peace;
She could talk like a gaggle of geese;
She would scold and she’d nag
Till a large plastic bag
Brought him silence – a blessed release.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MONEY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

To understand money, be sure
You are not some rich entrepreneur,
For tell me, how shall you
Conceive its true value
Unless and until you’ve been poor?

Dave Johnson:

Though her wealthy old lover is gruff,
He buys her a lot of nice stuff.
But when ready for sex,
There is no time for checks;
Just a blindfold while he’s in the buff.

Randolph Wagner:

A sad, tawdry saga is Mitch’s
Beginning with staggering riches
To which he fell heir.
They were squandered with flair
Since his tool couldn’t stay in his britches.

Brian Allgar: (Donald Trump begs for contributions)

“Please send me some money – you must,
’Cause you know I’m the guy you can trust.
As Prez, I will show how
My bankruptcy knowhow
Can make the whole country go bust.”

Kirk Miller:

If money to me you’d disburse
For odes that were raunchy or worse,
’Twould allow me to say,
In my deviant way,
“I guess that my pay’d be per verse.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Have you ever walked down any street
And found cash in your path at your feet?
A thrill tends to flow
From your head to your toe
Whenever the two of you meet.

Dave Johnson:

Las Vegas, that desert oasis,
Was built on an interesting basis.
You lose all your dough,
Then booze while they show
Bare boobies in big, glitzy places.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (250)

Saturday, April 16th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The real estate agent had hissed:
“Another gin – tonic and twist.”
After three or four more,
They showed her the door;
And that’s when she started to list.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special CAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny two-verse limerick:

A friend simply can’t let a friend
Drive a Fiat 500. Pretend
It’s a car if you must,
But believe me: it’s just
A roller-skate/Tupperware blend.

When the time comes for parking it, though,
It has an advantage to show:
Wherever you are,
You can just pop the car
In its own glove compartment, and go.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Jeanine Silverio, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Brian Allgar, Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr, Kathy El-Assal, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TWIST” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

You haven’t read Oliver Twist?
Don’t bother. I’ll give you the gist.
He said, “I want more.”
They showed him the door,
And he then found it hard to subsist.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

Her panties are all in a twist,
Though I’d hoped that she wouldn’t be pissed.
Her man’s last martini
Went straight to his weenie…
I found it too HARD to resist!

Will T. Laughlin:

In his pants the geologist pissed
As he felt the cave buckle and twist.
When it fell on his head,
The geologist said,
“Well, I guess I’m in really deep schist.”

Randolph Wagner:

Pled Cecil, “Please cease and desist
Your insipid debasement of Liszt!
You play like it’s Brahms
Or Anglican psalms,
Then add a Wagnerian twist!”

Brian Allgar:

With my hands round her throat as we kissed,
First I squeezed, then I started to twist;
I went mad with my knife
On that doll, large as life –
And as she deflated, she hissed.

Kagen Aurencz Zethmayr:

I never can cease and desist
From giving old saws a new twist.
To tradition I say
(And it’s true every day),
A bird flipped is worth two in the fist.

Kathy El-Assal:

“Please, sir, I want more,” was the gist
That got him expelled, but not missed.
He encountered the Dodger,
Became Fagin’s lodger,
And then — what the dickens? — a twist!

Will T. Laughlin:

In six days, from primordial mist,
God created Creation. The twist?
On the Eighth Day, He woke
From His rest with a choke,
And discovered He didn’t exist.

Fred Bortz, for his 3-verser:

To win on Mad’s limerick list,
Pen a verse that she cannot resist.
For a lim that’s sublime,
Keep tight rhythm and rhyme,
And of course you must end with a twist.

I ended that verse with “a twist,”
So declare–no in fact, I insist–
I must get an award
From the Limerick Board.
If I don’t, it’s a slap on the wrist.

Is my using “a twist” a real twist?
(I hope you are getting the gist.)
I am ever so clever!
I must win! However
By now I think Mad must be pissed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CAR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

In their hippy days, most would agree
That their lifestyles were simple and free.
But now at the mall
In the very next stall,
They’re parking some huge SUV.

Robert Schechter:

In the days before cheap GPSing
A car trip was sometimes distressing.
Some people used maps,
But I think perhaps
Most people relied on blind guessing.

Tim James:

At the speedway they sold me a ride
In a race car. “It’s easy!” they lied.
My top speed was about
One-oh-six. I got out
Just as soon as my trousers had dried.

Marty Gerendasy, whose limerick is also a “twist” limerick:

Pushed the key in and gave it a twist,
Then the engine just sputtered and hissed.
The damned car wouldn’t start
So I had to ride BART,
And you’d better believe I was pissed!

Kirk Miller:

An electric car auto amass
Miles per gallon that surely surpass
A conventional car,
So electric cars are
Said to be ones that really kick gas.

Jeanine Jamero Silverio:

She’s thirty, but still has some spunk,
Though she looks like an old piece of junk.
Still, she runs like a dream.
(Did you hear a scream?
I locked up my wife in the trunk.)

Brian Allgar:

In the back-seat, we did more than pet,
And it seemed we were covered in sweat …
We’d forgotten the brake,
Ended up in the lake –
Wasn’t sex that had made her so wet.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (247)

Saturday, March 5th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend prepared me a treat,
Which I tried… and I just couldn’t eat.
But what could I say,
With her watching that way?
“Ummm, this borscht simply cannot be beet!”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special EDUCATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A geometry teacher named Brent
Liked to frolic outdoors, so he went
To a place he could play
At the seashore all day.
He returned from the beach a tan gent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Brian Allgar:

With no brother to help him to cheat,
Jeb admits that he’s finally beat.
And his web site? He blew it,
Forgot to renew it –-
“I bought it!” jeers Trump in a tweet.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jesse Levy, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, Allen Wilcox, RJ Clarken, Ian Graham, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BEAT/BEET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO EDUCATION LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

The philosophy class had him beat.
“I don’t like abstract concepts!” he’d bleat.
“I Kant grasp them at all!”
He then punched a brick wall.
That abstraction’s now much more concrete.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BEAT/BEET” RHYME DIVISION)

Jesse Levy:

The new “superfood” is the beet.
I’ve heard that’s the word on the street.
The ads make it seem
As if beets are a dream.
Well, at least they do not contain wheat.

Brian Allgar, for his Harper Lee limerick:

With one novel, she joined the elite,
Won a Pulitzer (that’s quite a feat)
While Ginsberg and Burroughs
Were ploughing their furrows —
Though, of course, she’s not read as a beat.

Dave Johnson:

I remember when flying was neat;
An adventure that couldn’t be beat.
But if airlines today
Could have it their way,
They’d charge you to lower your seat.

Jon Gearhart:

I enjoy having veggies to eat,
But sometimes I just want some meat.
By replacing the beta
Vulgaris, I made a
Beef borscht and did not miss one beet.

Allen Wilcox:

When Windows won’t work and you’re beat,
And you think you are facing defeat,
Do NOT lose your cool.
Remember the rule:
When in doubt, press Control-Alt-Delete.

Rj Clarken:

The bird was a little offbeat:
Not the norm for a wee parakeet.
He would peck like a lord
On his tiny keyboard
As he’d Facebook and IM and tweet.

Ian Graham:

Thrash wheat if it’s bread you would eat.
Flail rice for a granular treat.
Is smoothness your dream?
Then try whipping cream.
But for sweetness you cannot beat beet.

Dave Johnson:

He saw her – his heart skipped a beat;
Then awkwardly shuffled his feet.
How amazing that he
Could possibly be
Running into a star on the street!

It was just a few seconds or so
That he felt that celebrity glow.
Their eyes barely met,
But he’ll never forget
The moment Adele said “Hello.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EDUCATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

“Gee, these Texas school textbooks are great!
Let’s use them in every state!
Now, ev’ryone: look
In your Chemistry book
At Leviticus 12, 5 through 8…”

Tim James:

She thinks studying’s hard, so instead
She lures each of her profs into bed
Where she actively crams
For her oral exams:
She’s advanced to the class of the head.

Dave Johnson:

A lively young teacher named Cass
Was showing her dance moves with sass.
But while she was twerking,
Some smart phones were lurking;
A gift for the boys in the class.

Byron Ives:

In bio lab, Gloria Schwerner
Oft tooted, which didn’t concern ’er
But after a flash
Turned her lab coat to ash,
She pointed away from the burner.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (246)

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

She was pregnant, she knew for a fact,
But insisted that she was ‘intact.’
Though her story was lame –
“Well, this angel, like, came” –
A religion was born from her act.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the WINTER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this poignant limerick, which he wrote in memory of our good friend and witty limerick writer Johanna Richmond:

The earth is still somehow intact.
There’s still gravity, nothing has cracked.
But some of us here
Have just lost a friend dear,
And I had to acknowledge that fact.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis LaVietes, Shannon Tucker, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TACT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WINTER LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

It’s a true inescapable fact
That this snow can be easily packed
And then rolled into balls
Shortly after it falls,
So watch out or you may be attacked!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TACT” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said Trump, “I will win. It’s a fact.
Those clowns? They’re my opening act.
These morons — these twits
Lack my charm, and my wits,
And my classiest attribute: TACT.”

Phyllis LaVietes:

Seismologists skillfully tracked
A seven point nine, and attacked
The oil guys for making
That quaking and shaking.
The earth cracked; the fact was, they fracked.

Shannon Tucker:

Quite suddenly faced with the fact
That their vows were no longer intact,
She called her attorney
And then for a gurney:
They wheeled out his balls, which were sacked!

Fred Bortz:

Some folks clearly welcomed the fact
That SCOTUS quite suddenly lacked
Justice Nino Scalia.
They sneered, “Hope to see ya
In Lucifer’s realm.” (They’ve no tact.)

Robert Schechter:

It is hard to express this with tact:
There’s a fart that was recently cracked,
And I fear from its smell
That there’s something unwell
With your gastrointestinal tract.

Brian Allgar:

He reported with truth and with tact,
And he didn’t know why he’d been sacked
From Fox News. “We need guys,”
Said his boss, “Who tell lies –
There’s no place in our program for fact.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A timber town out in the hinters
Needs someplace to warm up its winters.
But a strip club has found
Where loggers abound,
Lap dancers have issues with splinters.

Marty Gerendasy:

Sidewalks covered with ice and with snow
And a wind chill of twenty below
It was too much for me
I decided to flee
Would I ever go back there? Hell no!

Kirk Miller:

In the winter, I went on a trip
With psychiatrists skiing. I’d quip
At the end of each day.
To my wife, I would say
That I saw many Freudians slip.

David Reddekopp:

For a treat I decided to go.
To the vendor I shelled out the dough.
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.

Will T. Laughlin’s 3-verse THE NYMPHOMANIAC IN WINTER:

The snow-scape is tranquil and bright.
Inside, though, I’m having to fight
Not to giggle and snort
When the weather report
Says, “We got seven inches last night!”

And likewise, I cannot be proud
Of the fact that I chuckle aloud
When I hear that the guy
In the truck passing by
Is shouting: “Hey — wanna get plowed?”

My answer? You already know it –
And I’m just the woman to crow it:
Pretending to ponder
My snow-blower yonder,
I ask him, “Why don’t I just … blow it?!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (245)

Sunday, February 7th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said the Colonel “Cadet, I’ll be frank;
A blowjob is due to my rank.”
So the female cadet
Sucked his stiff ‘bayonet,’
But the charge in his weapon was blank.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special BEVERAGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Our children are looking divine.
’Neath the chuppah, two families entwine.
But the rabbi looks stressed
As I make this request:
“Has Your Holiness more of this wine?”

Congratulations to COLLEEN MURPHY, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for her limerick that received the most Facebook “likes.”

Colleen Murphy:

The candidate tried to be frank,
But his stats with constituents sank.
So he gave to their ear
What they wanted to hear,
And he quickly moved upward in rank.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Perry Plouff, Suzanne Heymann, Will T. Laughlin, Fred Bortz, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FRANK” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

At art I’m not even mid-rank,
But it calms me, if I may be frank.
My brain today? Dead,
And my pencil? No lead.
At the end, I keep drawing a blank.

Tim James:

For a woman, the label is “skank,”
If not “slut,” “whore,” or [fill in the blank].
If a man sleeps around
He hears no worse than “hound.”
Double standards shame Fran, but not Frank.

Perry Plouff:

Dear Madeleine, let me be frank.
I wrote out some poems and they stank.
I just can’t complete
This poetical feat
In a manner which doesn’t turn rank.

Suzanne Heymann:

An outlaw named James, first name Frank,
Walked nervously into a bank.
Instead of a gun
He had pulled out a bun,
So his chances for wealth quickly shrank.

Will T. Laughlin:

The inspector said, “Let me be frank…”
So I pushed him straight off of the plank,
And when he fell in
To the sausage-meat bin,
I obligingly started to crank.

Fred Bortz:

A Congressman named Barney Frank
Said, “Enough! You can’t screw us, Big Bank!”
So he and Chris Dodd
Joined together, by God,
And they crafted an act of first rank.

Slings and arrows came from their right flank;
All the cranks soon declared the bill stank.
But Barney just laughed.
“Next time YOU’LL get the shaft
As the door of your jail cell goes clank.”

Alas, AIG schemer Hank
(Mr. Greenberg) avoided the tank.
To us it’s unnerving
That one so deserving
Goes free when he shoulda been sank.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEVERAGE LIMERICK DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

A fellow named Homer had woes
Which he’d drown in his liquor at Moe’s.
Were his troubles so large
That he couldn’t tell Marge?
He’s a man of a million “D’ohs.”

Dave Johnson:

“This Chardonnay’s lovely with pork,”
He said as he fondled the cork.
She gave him a smile,
But thought all the while
“Just pour it and don’t be a dork.”

Kirk Miller:

There’s a soft drink that people say stokes them.
Don’t withhold The Real Thing; it provokes them.
You should know that for sure
They are easy to lure.
All it takes is a bottle to Cokes them.

Brian Allgar:

My doctor had told me I oughta
Drink less. Well, I’m fond of a snorter
Of rum, whisky, brandy,
Whatever is handy –
To please him, I stopped drinking water.

Will T. Laughlin:

If the Bundys continue their stint,
I think we should give them a hint
About deregulation:
Cut off their hydration,
And make them drink water from Flint.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Some might say I had gone a bit far
When I crashed through the door in my car,
Hit the wall with a thud,
And demanded more Bud:
My drunkenness razes the bar.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (244)

Sunday, January 24th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I heard my love let out a wail
And knew she was fast turning pale.
I’d heard it before
And told her once more:
“My dear, stay away from the scale.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Dog and/or Cat-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

One day my Maltese caught a whiff
Of a bitch and then said with a sniff,
“She’s not of my breed
But I know what I need:
A great dame that will make my mast stiff.”

Congratulations to both J COSMO NEWBERY and MARK KANE, who in a tie each win the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks that received the most Facebook “likes.”

J Cosmo Newbery:

The response of the typical male
Is turning the palest of pale
When informed by his wife,
The love of his life,
How much she has saved at the sale.

Mark Kane:

At the nude beach the regulars rail
At the newbies who follow their trail.
They’ll claim that they go
Very often, although
Certain parts are suspiciously pale.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Valerie Grzegorczyk, Kirk Miller, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOG and/or CAT LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy

When it rains cats and dogs mixed with hail,
You’ll be smart if you look for a pail.
If you can’t find a real one,
Just go out and steal one.
I’ll be happy to put up your bail.

Brian Allgar:

Our puppy would try to impale
Every creature possessing a tail.
This libidinous habit,
When tried with a rabbit,
Anatomically just had to fail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

He got stopped by a cop. Turning pale,
He attempted a bribe to dodge jail.
But it didn’t quite work
‘Cause the poor, clueless jerk
Didn’t notice the doughnuts were stale.

Will T. Laughlin:

In my youth, I was thin as a rail,
But today I resemble a whale.
I attribute my size
Less to burgers and fries
Than “small” sodas that come in a pail.

Dave Johnson:

For Henry, the night was a fail,
Spent chasing and trying to nail
A pretty young thing
Who noticed his ring
Left a circle that’s narrow and pale.

Suzanne Heymann:

A showerhead ordered by mail
Consists of white bucket and nail.
Hang it up like a wreath
And poke holes underneath.
That is how you impale a pale pail.

Valerie Grzegorczyk:

The mail order bride wore a veil.
When ’twas lifted, the groom turned quite pale.
From pale he turned green;
She’d arrived sight unseen.
He shipped her back C.O.D. mail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOG and/or CAT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Out in Texas, a cowpoke named Sid
Took to heart words from songs as a kid.
Bought a dachshund one day
’Cause the lyrics did say:
“Get a long little doggie.” He did.

Will T. Laughlin:

If your puppy-dog constantly chews
Through one of each pair of your shoes,
He’s just taking care
That your feet should be bare
When you step into one of his poos.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My dog, though he’s quick, ain’t a greyhound,
And he’s not, without training, a stay hound,
But he thinks that his job
Is to fetch what I lob,
Which, of course, makes him ace as a play hound.

Marty Gerendasy:

When your cats or dogs jump on your bed
And start doing a dance on your head,
You may think that they’re playing,
But what they are saying
Is “Get up, we wanna be fed!”

Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this touching tale:

At times, when the going was tough –
When I felt that enough was enough,
And I’d want to give up –
I would look at my pup…
And my pup looked at me, and said, “Wuff.”

When my patience was truly worn through,
And I just didn’t know what to do,
In my fuddle and fog
I would turn to my dog,
And my pup, looking up, said, “Aroo.”

In the midst of an awful kerfuffle,
When rest was as rare as a truffle
And no peace could be found,
I would turn to my hound,
And my dog turned to me, and said, “Wuffle.”

And should I confront the abyss –
When it seemed my whole life was amiss,
And I wanted to bawl –
She’d say nothing at all:
Just come over, and give me a kiss.

My dog has long since passed away.
But after a terrible day
When troubles betide me,
She’s still here beside me,
And still knows the right thing to say.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (243)

Saturday, January 9th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the Eighties, Lewd Lou was the dude
For drugs for improving the mood.
It was always enough
That he’d mention his “stuff”:
It was ’Ludes to which Lewd Lou’d allude.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Sleep and/or Insomnia-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My insomnia cure isn’t booze;
Neither pills nor warm milk do I use.
But a long string of lies
Makes me nod, close my eyes.
It’s a cure that I’m calling “Fox Snooze.”

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The limerick mistress is shrewd
To suggest that our verses be lewd
And allude to our privies,
Or privates, or skivvies,
With words excremental and crude.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Sue Dulley, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEWD” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The fellow’s a bit of a prude;
Not prone to be naughty or lewd.
At Haulover Beach,
For a necktie he’ll reach;
He hates being totally nude.

Robert Schechter:

Bill Cosby admits he was shrewd
In wooing the women he screwed:
“I’m famous, I’m charming,
My wit is disarming,
And I make them all swallow a ’lude.”

Tim James:

A fellow once tried to elude
Married life, for a reason quite crude:
“Buy the cow? Not for me,
When the milk comes for free!”
But “the cow” overheard him. He’s screwed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SLEEP/INSOMNIA LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

How I long for a slumber that’s deep!
I have tried to count gambolling sheep,
But instead, they count me,
And before they’ve reached three,
Every sheep in the flock is asleep.

Kirk Miller:

Getting piglets to sleep’s not a chore
For their father, who sits on the floor
By their bed. Tales he’ll spin
When his offspring turn in.
They nod off ’cause their daddy’s a boar.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you sleep like a baby, you’re nuts,
Because every two hours your guts
Are screaming for food
And your pants have been pooed
Cuz not one of your holes ever shuts.

Sue Dulley:

The clock says it’s 2:45;
I’m longing for sleep to arrive.
Now what would it take
To stay this wide awake
At the wheel on a long-distance drive?

Will T. Laughlin, who also wins The Limerick Saga Award for this all too familiar, albeit funny, story:

It’s eleven. You turn out the light.
The room is as dark as the night.
You yearn for repose,
But your eyes will not close:
There’s something that just isn’t right.

In your mind, the ideas are reeling.
You’re left with a terrible feeling
That the thoughts of the day
Simply won’t go away,
So you lie there and stare at the ceiling.

You’re constantly tossing and turning –
You’re freezing — next minute, you’re burning.
You glance at the clock
And you see with a shock
That it’s two. But your brain is still churning.

You find you’re beginning to twitch,
For the blanket is starting to itch.
You try counting sheep.
Then your leg falls asleep,
And you think: lucky sonofabitch.

You’ve now made a mess of the bed:
You’re all tangled up in the spread.
As the black turns to grey
In the new-dawning day,
The whites of your eyes turn to red.

Eight hours you’ve tortured your brain
To come up with a verse for Mad Kane
On insomnia. Well,
Those eight hours of hell
Have left you completely insane.

But there’s no time for that any more:
Get up! Put your feet on the floor!
There’s a day’s work ahead,
So… (you fall back in bed;
As your head hits the pillow, you snore.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (240)

Sunday, November 29th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For church, we’ve got no time to spend,
And the sermons we don’t comprehend,
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy.
We tend to pretend we attend.

Congratulations to Judith H. Block on her Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Misconceptions and fears.
We’ve all shed enough tears.
The world needs more love, in the end.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ailsa McKillop, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ailsa McKillop:

So you know when you plain overspend
On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
Hubby asks you the price
And without thinking twice
You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!

Kirk Miller:

The tornado book follows a trend
Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
To give a surprise.
If readers are wise,
They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.

Tim James:

Ladies, THIS is important. Attend:
There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend,
While sweet, innocent Jean
(In the ways of love, green)
Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”

Brian Allgar:

They keep sending me ads to extend
The size of a lecher’s best friend,
So I trash it – no dice!
If I took their advice,
I’d be just a big prick in the end.

Fred Bortz:

I was warmly invited to spend
Some time to inter my good friend.
But it seems I was cursed,
And, alas, I died first.
So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”

Dave Johnson:

Her lover won’t even defend
His failure to stretch and extend
Their moment of bliss
Beyond only this:
“OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.

Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller:

I have an effeminate friend.
Local NFL games we attend,
Though he’s not into sports.
It’s because he cavorts
With a certain young rookie tight end.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (237)

Sunday, November 1st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the headlights of cars, something showed.
It was just up ahead, so I slowed.
Saw a pie in the street
That I wanted to eat,
So I looked for a fork in the road.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

She was looking for sex on the road.
He was just a bit strange, and it showed.
So just why did he lick
Ice cream off of this chick?
He prefers all his tarts a la mode.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose

Said Dad, at the wheel on the road:
“If you kids have to use the commode,
Since we ain’t near a rest
It would be for the best
If you opened the door while I slowed.”

Brian Allgar:

The beta test went on the road
For their app: ‘Win A Prince, Kiss The Toad.’
But no prince came; instead,
Roaches bit off her head.
They suspect there are bugs in the code.

Will T. Laughlin:

Religious observance is owed
Where the poultry truck buckled and bowed.
Her companions are splats
On the highway, and that’s
Why the Chicken was Crossing the Road.

Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller

Paid a doxy just what she was owed,
Then at sea, in my dinghy, got blowed;
But the mutinous whore
Swam away with an oar,
Which explains why, in circles, I rowed.

Dave Johnson:

When Lady Godiva bestowed
Her charms on the town where she rode,
They noticed a rise
In amorous guys;
Along with the seeds that they sowed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (230)

Saturday, September 12th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JON GEARHART, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For golfers who’ve struggled in vain
I’ve decided to finally explain
My special golf diet.
I know once they try it
That par snips on greens they’ll retain.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Kathy El-Assal, Les a/k/a Colonialist, Bob Dvorak, Tim James, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jane,
Who from heroin couldn’t refrain.
She attempted to quit,
But then had to admit
That her efforts were, sadly, in vein.

Kathy El-Assal:

’Twas apparent she wasn’t Mark Twain.
Her attempts to get laughs were in vain.
So she wrote a French thriller
With taxi cab killer
Who drives all his victims in Seine.

Les a/k/a Colonialist:

In vain he consulted the vane
In seeking a windfall to gain;
But how winds will blow,
One never can know,
So, done in that vein, it’s a pain.

Bob Dvorak:

I’ve struggled at length, but in vain:
Is the Donald an ass, or insane?
But what media sells
Ain’t his open-mouthed yells,
But the size of his overdone mane.

Tim James:

Henry Higgins enunciates “rain”
Then he goes on and on in that vein.
His repeated refrain
On the weather in Spain
In the main gives me pain. Is that plain?

Will T. Laughlin:

We get high in a church, me ‘n’ Jane,
And they catch us. We try to explain:
“We’re just trippin’ on Jesus!”
They still come and seize us,
For “taking the Lord’s name in vein.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (229)

Saturday, September 5th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

To me, it won’t cease to amaze
How a priest’s not policed for his ways.
When he buggers boys’ butts?
Reassignment. That’s nuts!
And the priest, he still preaches, and preys.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Adam Stern, Scott Crowder, and Ian Graham. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

May McCray has created a craze.
But although May’s maize maze may amaze,
Rose’s rose rows once rose
Where the maize maze now grows,
And they’ll raze the maze one of these days.

Kirk Miller:

He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.

Brian Allgar:

Mozart’s output was one to amaze;
Though still young at the end of his days,
And approaching defeat
In making ends meet,
He left more than 600K’s.*

*Mozart’s works were catalogued by Ludwig Ritter von Köchel, and go up to K626 (the Requiem.)

Tim James:

The cannibals roasted some maize
And prepared a nice sauce Hollandaise.
Then a rival tribe’s chief
Got thrown in as the beef.
It’s a worthy opponent they braise.

Adam Stern:

Carmen’s passion aroused Don José’s;
Maddalena, Andrea Chénier’s.
But Aida! She slipped
Herself into the crypt
Where she died with her beau, Radamès.

Brian Allgar:

To survive the political maze,
There are rules for these decadent days:
Just keep cheating and lying,
Vote-selling and buying –
In politics, crime always pays.

Scott Crowder:

Whenever I’m caught in a maze
Of beauties, I know where to gaze.
It’s right at my wife;
I value my life
And I’d like to see my golden days.

Ian Graham:

The maize farmer’s hoping for lays
’Mongst the chicks who get lost in his maze,
But a mad Martian jerk’ll
Append a crop circle
And have his strange way with the strays.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (227)

Saturday, August 22nd, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CAROLYN HENLY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Little Johnny, a not-too-bright tot,
Got some burns ’cuz the soup was so hot.
Said his father, Big Brent,
“Son, that’s not what I meant
When I sent you to sit on the pot!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ian Graham, David Reddekopp, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ian Graham:

“Hey kettle, you’re black,” said the pot.
“So are you,” said the kettle. “Why not?
“I’m willing to bet
“We’re part of a set
“With that sizzling black saucepan. She’s hot.”

David Reddekopp:

It’s a dubious drug I have bought.
Since I tried it, I wish I had not.
What would anyone need
With some laxative weed?
Now I can’t get myself off the pot.

Brian Allgar:

She had spent the weekend on his yacht;
Said the hooker, “Good-looking he’s not.
Though he’s no Botticelli,
I don’t mind a belly
As long as there’s cash in the pot.”

Fred Bortz:

I got caught wildly stirring the pot
Quite a lot. Yes the ranting got hot.
No one bought what I thought.
Though I fought every plot:
“That’s just rot!” “You’re a sot!” “No I’m not!”

Kirk Miller:

“So my plants in the yard won’t get caught
In the cold, dig them up,” my wife thought.
When she brought them inside,
Every one of them died.
You could say that her plants went to pot.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!