Posts Tagged ‘Kirk Miller’

Limerick-Off Award (470)

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BOB TURVEY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A driver of engines named Dodd
Liked sex any place that was odd –
’Til he lay on his back
After sex on the track
And a train squashed his coupling rod.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special PHONE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We belong to a rigid religion;
We tithe till we’ve only a smidgen.
We can’t pay for a phone,
Cuz we’re down to the bone.
So our carrier’s Charlie The Pigeon.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Kirk Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, P Diane Schneider, David Friedman, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRACK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PHONE-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I had faith my new smartphone would track
Where I’m going and how to get back,
But for two nights (so far)
I have slept in my car,
On a street quaintly named, “Cul-de-sac.”

Tim James:

D.C. rioters had no success;
Now they’re all in a hell of a mess.
It turned out their attack
Was quite easy to track;
All it took was their phones’ GPS.

Rudy Landesman:

I was phoning my bookie, irate,
Afraid I was calling too late.
I said, “Call me right back.
I am here at the track.
The horses are still at the gate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Amtrak railway is getting some flack.
Clientele say the line’s out of whack.
They must soon engineer
Lots of change; that is clear.
Riders claim that they’re on the wrong track.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My thoroughbred, Gert, runs with force.
In the stands, I’ll be cheering, (of course.)
And today, at the track,
I shall dress all in black,
So I won’t look like Astor’s Pet Horse.

Tim James:

With my bingeing on Prime, I’ve lost track
Of reality. Woe and alack!
Streaming comes at a price.
How I wish for a vice
That’s a lot less addictive — like crack.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young man from St Blazey,
And he did some odd stuff but it’s hazy.
(I would get this one back
On the right kind of track
But I’m feeling incredibly lazy.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Note to self: keep your meter on track;
Never let your rhymes get out of whack;
Let thy words make thee proud;
(There’s no “twin talk” allowed);
Hitting “SEND” means you can’t take it back.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PHONE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

These “smartphones” are not smart at all!
They’re almost unreadably small;
Of “apps” there’s a pile,
But no rotary dial –
How the hell do I just make a call?

Mark Totterdell:

When the very first phone call was staged,
AG Bell was completely enraged,
Most exceedingly vexed,
All confused and perplexed,
When he found that the line was engaged.

Bob Turvey:

To the wife I said over the phone,
“I’ve a riddle – it’s hard – can be blown.
When it slides in and out
You’ll jump and you’ll shout
And it’s in my hand now!” “Your trombone?”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Luddite was lacking in cred,
On the subject of cell phones he said,
“I’ll buy in a snap
The one with an app
That allows me to talk with the dead.”

Tim James:

They used to put phones in a booth
In the long-ago days of my youth.
You would drop in a dime
For a few minutes’ time.
I remember! (I’m long in the tooth.)

P Diane Schneider:

The call came when I was in bed.
“You’ve ordered an iPhone,” it said.
Of course I did not!
(Despicable bot!)
These calls really mess with my head.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my friend, as I’m driving us through
A strange town neither one of us knew,
I said, “Help me here, Lars.
Check my phone. Are there bars?”
He said, “No, but will liquor stores do?”

David Friedman:

There was a corona cell, Cyrile,
All covered with spikes in a spiral.
As he and his clones
Coated everyone’s phones,
“I’m hoping,” he said, “to go viral!”

Terry Marter:

Phoned my shrink ’bout my troubles and strife.
He advised me to start a new life:
“Seek out mountains and streams
With the girl of your dreams.”
I flew out the next day – with his wife!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (469)

Sunday, May 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A young bride had her wedding gown planned:
She’d create it herself — make it grand!
To her groom she said, “You’ll
Help me stiffen the tulle.”
He said, “Sure, I can do it by hand.”

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special ZOO-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In the zoo, an old elephant, Ernie,
Long deprived of his freedom to journey
By the bars on his cage,
Was so maddened by rage,
He demanded to see his attorney.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Rudy Landesman, Terry Marter, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Benko, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOOL/TULLE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

She’s a baker; her son is a fool.
(Bluntly stated, he’s not a sharp tool.)
She caught him one day
In her kitchen, at play:
“Hey, a Frisbee that ain’t! It’s a boule!”

Rudy Landesman:

Poor Oliver Twist ate his gruel.
That watery slop was the tool
To keep kids in line.
Did Oliver whine?
What the Dickens, that kid was no fool.

Terry Marter:

When the trash man drank all his wife’s gin
His chance of survival was thin.
She diced up the fool
With a very sharp tool
But he still wouldn’t fit in the bin.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tool that I use when I polish
My lim’ricks is handy and smallish.
Using lead as its fuel,
It’s a rubber-tipped tool,
With two settings: “Rub Out” and “Demolish.”

Sondra Landin:

The little girl perched on a stool,
So prettily dressed in blue tulle,
And now how would she do?
Would they clap, would they boo?
She played and soon wowed the whole school!

Tim James:

Said a gal to her guy: “Though you’re cool,
I like circumcised men, as a rule.”
He’s not keen on it, but
He’s agreed to get cut.
Thus their love life he’s gonna re-tool.

Roger Haugen:

The porn king sat down on the stool
And whipped out his thirteen-inch tool;
The girls were in shock–
The sight of his cock
Was enough to make all of them drool.

Lisi Nortman:

I write limericks ev-er-y day.
With words, I consistently play.
But I do use a tool.
To make them sound cool:
I hammer and hammer away.

Steve Benko:

“For digging up graves,” said the ghoul,
“This shovel is too minuscule.
For cadaver retrieval,
It’s truly medieval;
A backhoe is my kind of tool.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ZOO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The mysterious unicorn’s fate.
Has for years been a cause for debate.
Never seen in a zoo,
The researchers best clue
Is that Noah declared they taste great.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the petting zoo, there in the crowd,
Stood a boy looking gloomy and cowed.
“Go on, touch them,” I said,
To which he shook his head,
“There’s a sign that says, ‘no pets allowed.’”

Lisi Nortman:

Although the zoo culture forbids
Divorce, they were still on the skids.
Through all kinds of weather,
The Goats stayed together,
But only because of the kids.

Mark Totterdell:

When the animals down in the zoo
Want to do what all animals do,
They have nowhere to meet
Private, safe and discreet,
So they do it right there in full view.

Brian Allgar:

A gorilla with bright orange skin
And a vast hippopotamus chin,
A rhinoceros rump …
It’s the one-man zoo, Trump!
(Did I mention his crocodile grin?)

Kirk Miller:

All the doves that are housed at the zoo
Are upset and decide to pursue
A revolt; overthrow
The zookeepers, so
The doves will be staging a coo.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (468)

Saturday, May 1st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Although gone, she was strangely alert.
Still a nudge, even under the dirt.
Right there at her plot,
A voice said, “Do not
Come visit me wearing that shirt.”

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special DRONES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Robbers looting two royalty zones
(Later caught by police using drones)
Tried to hide their hot gear
In a hothouse. It’s clear! –
Thieves in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Clay Wild, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Mark Totterdell, and Neil Greenberg. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLOT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DRONE LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

The part of the beach that was sought,
Would hide them from view, so they thought.
But during their tryst,
Came a drone through the mist;
Its lenses unraveled their plot.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLOT” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a hack on creating a plot:
“I put into my work all I’ve got.
When it starts to mature,
Then I add more manure.
And that’s how I come up with this rot.”

Jean McEwen:

The clots some folks got from the shot
Have hit only a few – not a lot.
Yet some dopes – their views aided
By Fox – are persuaded
The shot is some Faucian plot.

Tony Holmes:

At the junction, the cause for delay
Rushed right past us, and anger held sway.
“It’s a mob.” “That’s a lot!”
“And they’ve all lost the plot –
At the moment, they’ve riot of way.”

Rudy Landesman:

Apples fall off a tree quite a lot,
And gravity’s in on the plot.
So, there’s little disputin’:
It WAS Isaac Newton
Concocting that sauce sold by Mott.

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Hokey H. Pokey would shout:
“Hey, gravediggers, what’s this about?
I’m here in a plot,
It can’t be the right spot.
Cuz my left foot is still stickin’ out.

Tony Holmes:

“Boy meets girl has been done. We need plot!”
“What if boy loves girl’s mum, cos she’s hot?
Then the father, ignored,
Kills them all cos he’s bored—”
“Okay, now I’m on board—” “Then gets shot?”

“It’s too tame. You were doing so well.
Sex and murder, all great. That will sell.
But the ending – it’s lame.
Try again – up your game.”
“He’s redeemed by a vision of hell.”

Terry Marter:

Storm at sea wrecked our charts, – took the lot;
Blown away, fair to say “lost the plot.”
Now we’re in a fine mess;
We must send SOS:
Dot dot DOT, dash dash DASH, dot dot DOT.

Clay Wild:

Fragile campers in woods, deep and dense
Wolves and grizzlies and greed, self-defense
Murder myst’ry the plot
Twists and turns, like a knot
Safe to say, story line was ‘in tents’!

Tim James, who offers his “apologies to Mr. Shakespeare:”

Hamlet’s reading a book that he got —
Which he says he’s enjoying a lot —
About Yorick, alas!
As a read, it’s first-class
And he really is digging the plot.

Ms. Macbeth was the wife of a Scot
Who contrived a nefarious plot
To kill Duncan, the king.
Her dog saw the whole thing.
“You’re a BAD dog!” she said. “Out, damned Spot!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRONE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Tim James:

Could your local delivery guy
Be replaced by a thing that can fly?
Might you order by phone
Pizza drop-off by drone?
I think not. That’s just pie in the sky.

Rudy Landesman:

A mother right down to the bone,
She’d lecture, she’d scold, and she’d drone.
She called ev’ry day
And then passed away.
Her grave, she regrets, has no phone.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve relinquished the Edsel I own,
In exchange for a nice, compact drone.
Warn the Regs, “FLY UNMANNED!”
Which is what I have planned.
They say nothing about an old crone.

Jean McEwen:

The dullards I work with – such bores!
All their monotone rants about chores
Like their timesheets, their filing
And in-boxes piling
Induce in me nothing but snores!

Mark Totterdell:

The queen, that most key of all key bees,
Commands a whole army of she-bees
Who do all the work,
While the drones, who just shirk
And have sex are, you’ve guessed it, the he-bees.

Neil Greenberg:

There’s hardly a sound that is known
To bedevil us down to the bone
Like the buzz overhead
That fills me with dread:
Die and dissipate, damnable drone!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (467)

Saturday, April 17th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.

Sondra Landin:

The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”

Kirk Miller:

The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.

Tim James:

Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.

Brian Allgar:

The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.

Terry Marter:

In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.

Doug Harris:

As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.

Rudy Landesman:

The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?

Tim James:

A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

Mark Totterdell:

A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.

Jean McEwen:

It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.

Terry Marter:

Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.

Rudy Landesman:

A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.

Tim James:

“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”

Kirk Miller:

The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (460)

Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I just giggle at gaggles of geese,
And find slithers of snakes mere caprice;
But if you produce moose
Too profuse — running loose —
I will shriek, “Help! Police! We’ve got meese!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ART-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A photographer said, “While it’s true
I take pictures of folks as they screw,
It’s a form of pure art.
It shows love, warmth, and heart.”
Yeah, my lim’ricks are “poetry,” too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Paul Haebig, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ART LIMERICKS)

Tony Holmes:

When the world closes in, I vamoose
And take refuge. Surrounded by spruce,
I reflect on my art
Till it’s time to depart,
As I’m only a part-time recluse.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

After tests, Donald’s doctors deduce
There’s a brain, but it isn’t much use.
From the scan, they surmise
It’s the color and size
Of a teaspoon of chocolate mousse.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

For those lovers of custard out there,
Here’s a dieting tip I must share:
If you fear too much mousse
May enlarge your caboose,
Eat just half. Put the rest in your hair.

Tim James:

Her hair was long, lovely, and loose;
Then she teased it and slicked it with mousse.
The new ’do, sad to say,
Drove her boyfriend away.
Perhaps ’twas the color: chartreuse.

Sue Dulley:

I have stopped using hairspray and mousse.
They never were very much use.
My hair is unruly,
But really and truly
Who cares, since I’m now a recluse.

Paul Haebig:

This kitchen! There’s nothing of use!
I wanted to make choc’late mousse.
And I really was keen
To cook some tagine,
But there’s only enough to make cous.

Byron Miller:

“Need a bull who fits tightly, not loose,”
Sighs a cow in the mood for a goose.
Thinking kosher – no hoods,
She traverses the woods
On her search for a certain-sized moose.

Fred Bortz:

He called her “My precious papoose.”
She laughed and replied, “Silly goose.”
But romance went awry.
When they snuggled, the guy
Got so hot that he smelled like a moose.

Roger Haugen:

He tried and he tried, but no use —
“I can’t finish this great Christmas goose.”
But a little dessert
He thought wouldn’t hurt,
As he plowed through his third choc’late mousse.

Brian Allgar:

They’d gone hunting, but due to disuse,
Eric’s grip on the trigger was loose,
And he shot brother Don,
Who’s now mounted upon
A gold plaque that was meant for a moose.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ART LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Andy Warhol, the Campbell Soup man,
Produced pop-art peeved pundits would pan:
“It won’t pass!” “It’s absurd!”
“He’s so crass!” They concurred.
Still, he wouldn’t stop painting his can.

Fred Bortz:

A critic who hates bold abstraction
Expresses his dissatisfaction:
“You’d have to be bollocks
To say Jackson Pollocks
Display a deliberate action.”

Kirk Miller:

When the art teacher did a critique
Of my work, my art future looked bleak.
And I listened with dread
When the art teacher said
To brush up on my painting technique.

Dave Johnson:

Bill’s stint – posing naked for art
Got off to a glorious start
When he debuted his ass
At the newly-filled class
By launching a tear-gassing fart.

Terry Marter, for his “Performance Art”

A performer we went out to see,
Hurled a boom’rang past row 43.
He said “Will it come back?”
A big guy at the back
Yelled “It Will if it Fuckin’ hits ME!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (454)

Saturday, October 10th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Ped’lling London, my good wife and I,
See the Queen’s Guard musicians march by.
They play “Strike Up The Band”
As we bike up The Strand
And we inwardly hear Spooner sigh.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GAME-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow who liked to play chess
Put his hand up a pretty girl’s dress.
His ambitions were wrecked
When he found himself checked.
As for mate, he’d no chance of success.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Paul Haebig, Cyn, Konrad Schwoerke, Sharon Neeman, Kirk Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BAND or BANNED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GAME-themed LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

Thought the card sharp, “A game of strip poker
Will quickly and surely uncloak her.”
But though cheating was banned,
She’d snuck into her hand
Enough aces to beat any joker.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BAND or BANNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An assembly of sharks is called “Shiver”;
And a cluster of cobras a “Quiver”;
Flocked flamingos a “Stand”;
Grouped gorillas a “Band.”
Chickens crossing the highway? “Chopped Liver.”

Tim James:

He’s infected (now, THAT was unplanned)
By the “hoax” that’s been sweeping the land.
Of my thoughts in this case
I’ll reveal not a trace
Lest by Madeleine Kane I get banned.

Brian Allgar:

We were dancing a slow sarabande
When she said: “Would you like one night-stand?”
What I got, though, from Mabel
Was one bedside table,
Which wasn’t quite what I had planned.

Paul Haebig:

The green room provisions this band
Requires are way out of hand:
– No green M&M’s
– Ninety roses (long stems)
– And an altar to worship Ayn Rand.

Cyn:

Unzipping his jeans, Sammy led
Saucy Sally to bed, where he said,
“Although Mom says it’s banned
If I use my own hand,
I figured we’d use yours instead.”

Tim James:

A moron blew seventy grand
On his hair. Doesn’t that beat the band!
As for taxes, evasion
Suits ev’ry occasion.
To primp and to skimp is his brand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said my doc, “Eggs and bacon are banned,
And eat nothing prepackaged or canned.
Avoid beer, wine, and malt,
Cut out sugar and salt.
Longer life? See how much you can stand.”

Brian Allgar:

“No mask, like the folk that elected me;
My strong constitution protected me.
But I’m sick, like they planned,
And my rallies are banned –
It musta been Biden infected me!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAME-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I have tried playing tournament Scrabble,
But I suck, so I now merely dabble
In building with piles
Of small lettered tiles—
Voilà!—it’s the Tower of Babel.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though the Great Game of Golf I shan’t mock,
And its cute dimpled ball I can’t knock,
All that junk in the bag
Is too heavy to drag,
And does nothing but spoil a good walk.

Sharon Neeman:

Wow! A double half twist! Look at that!
If I tried it myself, I’d go splat —
But she climbs ever higher,
Then slides down a wire…
The world is her game. She’s my cat.

Brian Allgar:

I was playing strip-poker one night
With a girl who had bet to the height
On four kings. Well, I knew
My four aces would do.
“I’ll see you”, I said. What a sight!

Kirk Miller:

When I asked a French woman if she
Enjoyed video games, I could see
Her beginning to smile.
She replied to me, “I’ll
Have to say that the answer is Wii.”

Dave Johnson:

Here’s a game that you might like to play:
Imagine you’re far, far away
One decade ago;
There’s an orderly flow.
And Trump hasn’t ruined your day.

Tim James:

He considered it all fun and games
As he cheated with multiple dames.
But the ladies found out
And they turned on the lout.
Now “Mud” is just one of his names.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (451)

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I had chiggers. They started to bite
As they burrowed down deep, out of sight.
From my ankles to belt
I was one giant welt.
Was it itchy? Perhaps just a mite.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special CHILDREN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We are now on the way to Madrid;
Packed the sippy cups, each with a lid.
And the Bouncy Chair, swing,
“Sleep-Time Cuddlies” that sing…
But we seem to have misplaced the kid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, and Wayne Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGHT or SITE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

The director called, “Wrap!” for the night.
Then discovered the scene wasn’t right.
We all groaned. We were dead.
He took pity and said,
“Get some sleep, then we’ll shoot it on site.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Chocolate cake is a heavenly sight,
And with me, always love at first bite.
But the calorie hounds
Say I’ve gone out of bounds,
As I’ve gained seven pounds overnight.

Brian Allgar:

They adored him, it couldn’t be clearer;
All those fans, not one mocker or sneerer!
Donald grinned with delight;
The line stretched out of sight
In his perfect infinity mirror.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

His advice was the fatherly kind:
“Son, don’t marry the first girl you find.
For when love at first sight
Starts to fade overnight,
In the end it goes legally blind.”

Tim James:

Said a fellow whose future looked bright
When he bought a car showroom one night:
“Selling Edsels, I know,
Will bring decades of dough!”
Now a Burger King stands on the site.

Kirk Miller:

The baboon met one night on a date
The gorilla his dreams. It was great!
He went ape at her sight
’Cause he knew that she might
Be the one he would call his prime mate.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

He sobbed with a pain so exquisite,
That the Martian Mom said, “Son, what is it?”
“On the Beamer last night
From Earth’s Lunatic Site —
The Trumps said they’re coming to visit!”

Dave Johnson:

He went to a strip club that night;
Some fantasies yearning for flight.
Then down by the front,
Putting cash in the hunt;
With hind his preferred kind of sight.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“All you fireworks people will pay!”
Bellowed Trump at the end of the day.
“My great name — what a sight! —
In the heavens at night.
So, which dumbass forgot ‘Donald J’?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHILDREN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“Little children?” said W. C.
“Quite delightful, if you’re asking me.
But they must be well-cooked –
This can’t be overlooked;
And, on average, my limit is three.”

Jean McEwen:

You may think me a bitter old crone,
But my views about kids are well known:
From the poop to the croup
And through every age group,
I can’t stand them till after they’re grown.

Wayne Feder:

Remember, while home on this break,
That children are easy to make.
So it’s wise to go slow;
Or to even forgo.
Quite often they’re made by mistake.

Dave Johnson:

We’re stuck with a child who’s a brat;
He’s constantly stoking a spat.
One day we’ll be rid
Of this horrible kid;
And thanking Joe Biden for that.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (448)

Saturday, July 18th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Every good writing venue’s gone stale:
Staying home feels like being in jail;
They’ve closed down the café;
Renting space doesn’t pay;
In the garden today, there was hail.

Now my laptop has gone and dropped dead!
So I’m counting my woes from my bed:
I have nowhere to write
And a jinx I can’t fight…
And this “block” they all cite? That’s my head.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special WRITER’S BLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m leaving you, Steve,” said my muse,
“If MadKane is the forum you choose.
I inspired the Greeks
But you limerick geeks
Make my sisters and me hit the booze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Richard Campbell, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, Konrad Schwoerke, Wayne Feder, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HAIL/HALE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WRITERS’S BLOCK LIMERICKS)

Richard Campbell:

The storm was a monster — a gale.
The thunder and lightning! I’d quail.
(Damn! Now what is that rhyme?
My mind blanks all the time.
Those little ice balls are called…)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HAIL/HALE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Wear a mask in a crowd? Epic fail!
Against loss of my freedoms I rail.
I can say without doubt
That it’s safe to go out.
(Just whatever you do, don’t inhale.)

Roger Haugen:

“Through rain storms and snow storms and hail,
Count on us to deliver the mail.”
A laudable creed,
But often its speed
Is close to the pace of a snail.

Brian Allgar:

“My rallies are right off the scale;
With supporters like that, I can’t fail!
They give straight-arm salutes
And wear goose-stepping boots,
But who’s this guy “Sieg” that they hail?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

As a senior, I’m no longer hale.
I can spot someone’s face, but I fail
To remember a name,
And I feel such deep shame
When my train of thought starts to derail.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through rain, sleet, and snow — even hail —
A manly man stays on the trail
Till he finds the right slot
To insert what he’s got.
I’m referring (of course) to the mail.

Tony Holmes:

“Let me put it this way,” said the doc’,
“From now on, keep both eyes on the clock.
Neither hearty nor hale,
One false step and you’ll fail.”
Did this guy never hear the word, ‘shock’?

Lisi Nortman:

I remember my wild days at Yale
When I followed the “pot smoking trail.”
I smoked it in heat;
Also rain, snow and sleet.
But I just didn’t want to in hail.

Kirk Miller:

He embarked on a dieting craze.
The results never ceased to amaze.
When he stepped on the scale,
Loss of weight he would hail.
It was clear he was changing his weighs.

Suzanne Heymann:

There’s a drink that is better than ale;
It has vodka, tomato juice, kale,
Salt-rimmed glass for the ride.
Open wide, let it slide.
That’s one Caesar that I’d like to hail!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRITER’S BLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Konrad Schwoerke:

What to write? What to write? What to write?
What to write? What to write? What a plight!
What to… wait, here’s a thought!
No, it’s gone—I’m distraught.
What to write? What to… fuck it, good night.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my teacher I said, “I’m a wreck —
Writer’s block is a pain in the neck!”
“From what you have written,”
Said she, “You’ve been smitten
perhaps less with ‘block’ than with ‘blech.’”

Wayne Feder:

Writers block! Are you out of your gourd?
Let’s get your commitment restored.
All you’ll need for a muse
Is one page of the news,
To find grist for a Nobel Award.

Tim James:

A writer who’d taken a crack
At a JFK book said, “Alack!
When I tried to compose,
My whole brain up and froze.
Simply stated, I couldn’t write jack.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I went to the shrink and he said,
“I know you’ve a feeling of dread.
The words will come back;
You’ve a wonderful knack.
But you have to stop punching your head.”

Jean McEwen:

Among limerick wordsmiths, my rank
Is as low as can be, to be frank.
Once Mad Kane gives the prompt
You would think I’d be swamped
With eurekas – and yet, my mind’s blank.

Kirk Miller:

An author, a priest, set his sights
On writing a novel, but fights
Writer’s block that’s so dread,
Inspiration is dead.
So the padre performs his last writes.

Dave Johnson:

“I think this one’s gonna be fun;
It might have a pretty good run.
The challenging part
Is just where do I start?”
– When Tolstoy imagined Page One…

Tim James:

As I’ve aged, it has come as a shock:
When I write, my brain goes into lock.
There are others like me;
We’ve united, you see.
Come and join us: The Old Writers’ Bloc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (444)

Saturday, May 9th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Moaned a mugger while reading a graph,
Showing street crime diminished by half:
“Now that all my marks hide
Under masks when outside,
If I say ‘Stick ’em up!’ they just laugh.”

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special CHALLENGE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

During Scrabble a challenge is heard,
But a penalty won’t be incurred;
The letter formation
Receives vindication,
’Cause the player’s as good as his word.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

The challenge was born on a dare;
That couple would screw in mid-air.
Their skydiving hump
After making the jump;
An aerial tryst then and there.

Connected, they dropped from the plane;
Then banging like they were insane.
Their downward descent
Was a naughty event,
Unfolding above the terrain.

The landing was soft in the end;
But maybe the start of a trend.
“Fantastic!” they said;
“Way more fun than in bed;
The next time, we’re bringing a friend.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Will T. Laughlin, Patrice Stewart, Steven Frakt, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sharon Neeman, and Daisy Hyrkas. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CHALLENGES LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

It’s a challenge to stand by the side
Of a guy whose cerebrum is fried.
Take a bow, Dr. Fauci;
Try not to be grouchy.
Don’t fret; it’s not you we deride.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIDE or SIGHED” RHYME DIVISION)

Steve Whitred:

In Canada people are smart;
Public health measures taken to heart,
Like the rule that’s applied
When we’re working outside:
“Stay a caribou’s distance apart.”

Brian Allgar:

Donald Trump takes extravagant pride
In his intellect. “Can’t be denied,
I’m incredibly smart!
My IQ’s off the chart –
See, that’s me, on the far left-hand side.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My owner and I used to nuzzle,
But not any more, (what a puzzle!)
At first I just sighed,
Then I broke down and cried…
And also he’s stolen my muzzle.

Will T. Laughlin:

“War President!” Turgid with pride,
Trump trumpets the words far and wide.
But no leader before
In the time of a war
Chose to fight on the enemy’s side.

Patrice Stewart:

’Twas a challenge to turn on her side,
As the double bed wasn’t that wide.
But she lifted one thigh,
Rolled and caught him – first try,
And their passion would not be denied.

Steve Frakt:

The sad chicken just sat there and cried;
Couldn’t cross to the road’s other side.
Though this tale may evoke
The world’s oldest joke,
That highway was just too damn wide.

Tim James:

If there’s one thing I cannot abide
It’s to “shelter in place” (i.e., hide.)
I endure this bad dream
With a pint of ice cream
And an order of fries on the side.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Donald Trump with Mike Pence at his side
Gives new meaning to Jekyll and Hyde.
No, wait – that’s too kind,
So if you don’t mind,
Let’s go with Godzilla and Bride.

Steve Whitred:

On the PornHub she’s kinky and brave.
She has fetishes; master and slave,
Sixty-nine or astride,
On their knees or their side…
But that maskless taboo is her fave.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHALLENGES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m tensing my muscles with dread
As I think of the challenge ahead.
I push through the hurt,
All my strength to exert —
And… I’VE DONE IT! I got out of bed.

Sharon Neeman:

Although challenges surely abound,
I’m determined to win in this round —
Not just vanquish the tomb
Using masks, soap and Zoom,
But avoid even one extra pound.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“I am speaking to you on behalf
Of the President’s bumbling staff.
The challenge today
Is to hear what he’ll say,
And the winner’s the one who won’t laugh.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It’s a challenge to follow this credo:
“When in public don’t flaunt your libido.”
But now that our tasks
Involve wearing masks,
We can flaunt all we want incognito!

Will T. Laughlin:

From watching Trump’s briefings, we’ve seen
The infection is deadly and mean.
Though the threat is severe,
We’ll defeat it — no fear!
(Then go on to fight COVID-19…)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The challenge is how to stay fit;
My muscle tone’s taken a hit.
I lay in my bed
And remain in my head.
In other words, I don’t do shit.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (440)

Saturday, March 14th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pilot was taken aback
By a sudden, fierce counterattack.
He approached with great care
On a wing and a prayer —
And got slapped in the face by a WAC.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special TOY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After both of the kids were asleep,
Buzz Lightyear would quietly creep
Into Mom’s private room
For a quick va-va-voom!
(Did he tire of little Bo Peep?)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Dave Johnson, Steven Frakt, Thomas Vincent, Delano Britt, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Ken Gosse, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BACK/ABACK” RHYME DIVISION)

Stephen Whitred:

Said the cannibal holding a sack,
“Here’s a hussy to cook us a snack.”
But her lumbar tattoo
Would just ruin the stew,
So I doubt they’ll be having her back.

Suzanne Heymann:

Her ex beat her up, blue and black,
But her brothers would soon pay him back;
On a railroad they’d heap
(And tie up) this dumb creep.
You could say that they kept him on track.

Daisy Hyrkas:

Since I just can’t afford a Big Mac,
I check out the dumpster in back.
I sift through the litter
And fight off a critter,
Before giving up on my snack.

Dave Johnson:

She called him a liberal hack;
“You Trump-loving shill!” he shot back.
They’re at it again;
That’s the dialogue when
The Conways are hitting the sack.

Steven Frakt:

A flea and a fly ventured back
To the flue they had fled through a crack;
They did not much care
For the cold outside air.
Now they’re happy, for those keeping track.

Thomas Vincent:

Donald says that we have to strike back,
Cuz the White House is under attack.
For recession or flu,
It is clear what to do:
We will just blame it all on Barack.

Delano Britt:

There once was a gal with a knack.
For lying all day on her back.
Though I know it is cheesy
To say she is easy,
Even God couldn’t keep her on track.

Fred Bortz:

A bimbo who wanted a “rack”
Found out that her doc was a quack
When she woke from her op
And discovered her top
Had voluptuous breasts in the back.

Tim James:

When he heard that a gal in a shack
Did her job lying flat on her back,
He guffawed like a schmuck.
(She was fixing a truck.)
He’s a jerk with a mind that’s one-track.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The Pandemic we’re currently braving
Has required new ways of behaving:
Do not greet with a smack,
If you’re breathing, stand back,
And trade foreplay for long-distance waving.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Jean McEwen:

As much as I hate to be crass,
I have to come clean, doc. Alas,
I got carried away.
With some intimate play.
Now a butt plug has lodged up my ass.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Most toddlers are not at all coy,
And we watch them with pleasure and joy.
They will play with a box
Or with Grandpa’s old socks,
Cause anything serves as a toy.

Ken Gosse:

A birthday’s a time of great joy
For ev’ry good girl and good boy,
But as we get older
And joints get much colder,
We feel like a kid’s broken toy.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you’re poor and your children are boys
When they can’t have some fun, they make noise.
So without acting chilly,
Say, “Play with your willy;
You don’t need some silly old toys.”

Brian Allgar:

I started to strip her with glee,
But I knew she was toying with me
When the object I felt
Was a chastity-belt,
And she claimed she’d forgotten the key.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (339)

Saturday, February 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

They are stripping the mountaintops bare
And polluting the streams and the air.
Mining makes a huge gash,
So small payments of cash
Are coaled comfort for residents there.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CLOTHING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A spy sent a note to her chief.
How’d she do it? It beggars belief:
She inscribed it with care
On her guy’s underwear.
That’s the way she conveyed it, in brief.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Beri Caram, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Whitred, Diane Groothuis, Daisy Hyrkas, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CASH/CACHE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Here’s a TSA warning to heed:
If your state’s not yet legalized weed,
Expect agents to trash
All the hash in your cache.
(You’d best smoke it beforehand. Agreed?)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When Ogden was asked why he sought to
Write more lim’ricks than any man ought to:
“Not unlike earning cash,
It’s like breathing,” said Nash–
“It’s better to do it than not to.”

Tim James:

She’s a beauty, with style and panache,
And I know that my ardor is rash.
Oh, to lie in her arms
And enjoy her sweet charms!
It turns out, though, I haven’t the cash.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOTHING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Beri Caram:

I gathered the leaves of a fig
To wear on my prominent rig.
My wife said, “That stuff
Is barely enough
To cover up something that big.”

Tony Holmes:

If it’s true that, ‘Clothes maketh the man,’
I must get some as soon as I can.
Oh, it’s all very well
Living au naturel,
But it sucks for my seven-year plan.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All the guys used to give me a wink
When I’d sit at “The Lounge” for a drink.
But I’ve stopped going there
Cuz I’ve nothing to wear;
Seems that choc’late made all my clothes shrink.

Brian Allgar:

My new Y-fronts are horribly wrong,
Manufactured no doubt in Hong Kong.
They are useless and silly,
Unless you’ve a willy
That’s Z-shaped and twelve inches long.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Well, Lady Godiva was clutch,
Riding naked for causes and such,
Butt rubbed raw by her horse.
One conclusion, of course,
Is the Lady doth protest too much.

Steve Whitred:

There once was a man, quite a prude.
In his nightmares he went around nude,
But exposing his skin
Caused him so much chagrin,
That he had himself fully tattooed.

Tim James:

An ecdysiast, smart as a whip,
Trolled the crowd with the following quip:
“In exchange for your payment,
I’ll doff my scant raiment.”
A fellow yelled, “THEN will you strip?”

Diane Groothuis:

A Scot in a very short kilt
Said “You see I am very well built,
And in my tight trews
You’ll get plenty of views
Of the sword which I keep in my hilt.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

There once was a gal named Louise
Whose clothes were infested with fleas.
They caused such an itch,
She removed ev’ry stitch
And called it the vermin striptease.

Suzanne Heymann:

A brassiere is a curse-worthy thing,
An uncomfortable harness — tit sling.
I get home and then boom;
Free my boobs from their tomb.
Whip the thing ’cross the room with a fling!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (336)

Sunday, January 19th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A prompt for a line is a cue,
And a queue is a line for the loo.
A stick to shoot pool,
A cotton-tipped tool,
An O with a tail –- now I’m through.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special SIN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A wild, wily widower, Will,
On a lark, once went cuckoo for Jill.
These birds of a feather
Played sex games together,
And the cardinal sin fit the bill.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Larz, Thomas Vincent, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Suzanne Heymann, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Peter Boorman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CUE/QUEUE” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Her pool game – they started to mock it;
That shy little girl with a locket.
But, grabbing a cue,
She knew what to do;
Keep blasting their balls in the pocket.

Larz:

A naughty young nudist named Sue
Was checking out guys for a screw.
When she spotted his size,
She exclaimed with wide eyes:
“Oh, you’ll be the first in the queue!”

Thomas Vincent:

When approaching a modern day loo,
All ladies know just what to do;
Odd symbols of sex
Never trouble or vex;
They just head for the longest loo queue.

Daisy Hyrkas:

The actor’s awaiting his cue;
A loud and a stagy “Ah Choo!”
His partner can’t act,
Though to say so lacks tact.
(It’s a good thing that gal has the flu.)

Lisi Nortman:

My bananas were greenish in hue,
But I waited so long in the queue,
By the time I checked out
There was nary a doubt:
They were yellow and ready to chew.

Tim James:

A traditional Scotsman named Hugh
Started drinking at six, right on cue.
Around midnight he lay,
Kilt in full disarray,
With the ladies enjoying the view.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you want to avoid a long queue,
Just pretend you’ve come down with the flu.
Walk in crutches, then sneeze,
Cough a lot, cut the cheese
Till the others say, “Please, after you!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

From “cow speak,” we must take our cue
And translate “Don’t eat me!” from “Moo.”
And when old horses say
With a snort, “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!”
We must picket all plants that make glue.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SIN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

What’s “original sin”? I’ve been thrown
By the studies I’ve done on my own.
Because try as I might,
I just can’t get it right:
All my sins are already well-known.

Peter Boorman:

There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother.
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother.

Lisi Nortman:

Ev’ry Christmas we have a dispute:
Before company comes, I say, “SCOOT!
I have told you before
And I’ll tell you once more
Adam, please stay away from the fruit!”

Tony Holmes:

Oh, I tried to be virtuous – thrice.
Then I caved and surrendered to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me.
I was bound, now I’m free;
If it’s naughty, no need to ask twice.

Daisy Hyrkas:

In dimly lit rooms, I undress
And I do things I’ll have to confess.
It’s for profit, not fun,
Cuz I charge ev’ryone,
Though it’s true that the cute ones pay less.

Suzanne Heymann:

“If you sin morning, night, or at noon,
In a fiery pit you’ll be strewn.
If you beat Satan’s drum,
Hell will burn all you scum.
But God loves you! Please come again soon!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (328)

Saturday, August 10th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A fellow was high as a kite
’Cause his girlfriend had made him that night
Special brownies and cakes.
Yes, she knows what it takes
For a guy to feel love at first bite.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special THREAT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A director whose films are quite lewd,
Would tell a new actor, “I’m rude
If somehow I fail
To disclose one detail:
Show up and you’re gonna get screwed.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Val Fish, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, John Cooney, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BITE/BYTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

I am teaching our doggy to bite
Any yellow-haired morons on sight,
So both Johnson and Trump
Will be nipped in the rump
As our dog wags his tail with delight.

Val Fish:

’Twas a nightmare, a terrible fright;
Count Dracula taking a bite.
But then I awoke;
It was hubby’s sick joke.
He slept DOWNSTAIRS the rest of the night.

Jean McEwen:

“Fear not!” Trixie said. “Just sit tight!
Buster’s bark is much worse than his bite!”
And so, trusting her word,
I sat tight — but incurred
Twelve deep gashes I’m nursing tonight.

Brian Allgar:

I roamed through the forest at night;
One tree was surprisingly bright.
Two eyes in the bark
That gleamed in the dark–
Who could know that the critter would bite?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I got rid of those bed bugs that bite
And now I can fin’ly sleep tight.
But what’s that I hear
Climbing into my ear?
Did something just say “Nighty Night?”

Tim James:

With the racism, rancor, and spite
From a dimwit whose head just ain’t right,
It’s depressing to know:
Eighteen months still to go.
May I please have a bullet to bite?

Robert Schechter:

What’s that? What you say isn’t right.
Though a dog when it barks is not quite
Being friendly, the cur
That I’ll always prefer
Is the one who just barks but won’t bite.

Kirk Miller:

A computer store owner named Wright
Has a good sense of humor and might
Post a sign when he’ll go
Out to lunch so folks know:
“Be Wright back, went to get a quick byte.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THREAT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

He said nothing, made no idle chat,
But the threat was still clear, for all that:
“Great and mighty am I;
Disobey me and die!”
(That’s a typical ’tude for a cat.)

John Cooney:

“Hello, I’m not in at the minute.
Be brief with your message. Begin it
With age, sex, location,
And key information:
Your address and when no one is in it!”

Lisi Nortman:

We’ve only just recently met,
But already I’m starting to sweat;
She proclaimed, “Let’s get married!”
And now I am harried
Cuz that is one serious threat!

Dave Johnson:

To kiddies, a parent would drone:
“Behave – or you’ll sit all alone!”
That’s back in the day;
Now they’re likely to say:
“Enough – or I’m taking your phone!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (326)

Sunday, July 14th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Mosquitoes just laugh at my screen;
They somehow get through it unseen,
And night after night
As they swarm in to bite,
They say “Hey! A blood-donor machine!”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Wind Instrument-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The string section thinks of the brass
As totally lacking in class.
The woodwinds, meanwhile,
Just sit there and smile;
They’re high on some really good grass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bindy Bitterman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Kirk Miller, Walter Daum, John Cooney, Margie Nairn, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, Tim James, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCREEN” RHYME DIVISION)

Bindy Bitterman:

Little Mikey was charming, but MEAN!
He detested the guy Ma was seein’.
But he smiled and he beckoned
And at the last second
Pushed the guy Mama liked through the screen!

Dave Johnson:

He apparently wanted to preen;
His member was flashed on her screen.
She answered “Oh wow,
I’m watching it now;
Your pinky’s the cutest I’ve seen!”

Will T. Laughlin:

Believe me, I really don’t mean
To sound Luddite. But many a teen
Has been taught to insist
That is doesn’t exist
If it doesn’t appear on a screen.

Kirk Miller:

To decipher and know what words mean
Can be hard, as I’m sure you have seen.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide” — also “show” —
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”

Walter Daum:

A drone-guiding, fearless marine
Was fighting an evil unseen.
He stormed into battle,
For no foe could rattle
A man armed with keyboard and screen.

John Cooney:

My revealing audition on screen
Aroused the Producer, so keen,
Who had one single question,
Well, more a suggestion:
“Please tell me you’re over sixteen!”

Margie Nairn:

We bought a gigantic TV;
Hi-Def, it’s the best it can be!
But the set has a sheen
That reflects off the screen,
So there’s no bloody way you can see!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WIND INSTRUMENTS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I play bagpipes; I’m always in sync.
Yet sometimes I sit down and think:
How good could I be?
Cuz most people agree
I sound best when they’ve had a stiff drink.

Brian Allgar:

“Grasp it firmly with both hands,” he said.
“Now go down on it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?

Will T. Laughlin:

What’s that terrible sound, like a dozen
Big blowflies contentedly buzzin’
’Round the ass of a horse?
Why, a Krummhorn, of course:
The kazoo’s less agreeable cousin!

Jean McEwen:

When away from my trusty spittoon
On the stage where I play the bassoon,
The saliva that drips
Through the reeds from my lips
Turns the sound of each note into ruin.

Will T. Laughlin:

“Men, horny?” My friend shook her head;
“We should call them ‘tromboney’ instead,
For the young ones take pride
In the length of their slide…
And the old ones? They’re sackbuts,” she said.

Jesse Levy:

I used to be good on the sax,
But my practice has gotten so lax;
With tonguing and fing’ring
I’ve just been maling’ring.
My horniness slipped through the cracks.

Tim James:

An orchestra struck for more pay.
Tempers flared; threats and anger held sway.
Then the woodwinds and brass
Got the contract to pass;
Non-violins carried the day.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Mr. Trumpet, I want you to know
That I feel it is time you should go.
We have done all that jazz,
And I’ll think of you as
A nice fella who I used to blow.

Steve Benko:

With the proper equipment for Scuba,
You could almost dive into a tuba.
All its depths you’d explore
Till a musical score
Caused its owner to blow you to Cuba.

Dave Johnson:

A bagpiper, Argus McDiffy
Was marching so proud and quite spiffy.
But wind gusts would come,
Thus revealing his bum;
Along with a crowd-pleasing stiffy.

Tim James:

I asked if she wanted to feel
My instrument. “Sure!” With great zeal,
She fingered and blew it.
From this I intuit
I’ve still got that ol’ sax appeal.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (325)

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A pirate who died in Dakar
Lost his booty at cards in a bar.
Giving up all that loot
Made his chest pains acute.
Sadly, no one there knew CP arrrr.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special FARM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a SALUTE-rhyme limerick:

Damn toxins get right to the root
And damage the veggies and fruit.
So on Earth Day we tried
To throw them aside,
And a worm gave a grateful salute.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, David Reddekopp, Tim James, Kirk Miller, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO FARM LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Las Vegas has riveting charm,
But it also can cause you much harm;
If you aren’t astute,
You can lose all your loot.
So remember: Don’t bet the whole farm!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOOT or LUTE or SALUTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Diane Groothuis:

A flautist who played on a flute
And a lutenist playing a lute
Went busking one day,
But they lost all their pay
As the looter was much more astute.

David Reddekopp:

The prez is an ignorant brute,
An orangutan stuffed in a suit.
He, for all of his days
Seeks unwarranted praise,
But I’ll give the one-finger salute.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FARM LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Farmer Bob gave a new crop a try
When his cash flow went badly awry.
The results have been grand:
Now supply and demand
Keep his profits and customers high.

Kirk Miller:

From the past, U.S. farmers don’t learn.
Lots of topsoil’s eroded; they yearn
For rich, fertile soil
In which they can toil.
Lack of dirt is a growing concern.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The stampede of the cows caused him harm.
Then the pigs went and chewed off his arm.
From this horror he dropped,
Till his breathing had stopped.
(The old codger had bought the whole farm.)

David Friedman:

A horny cheese-farmer named Jay
Would shtup his poor cows every day.
The cows would start chewing
When he started spewing,
But it never did get in his whey.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (323)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”

Sharon Neeman:

As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.

Jean McEwen:

I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.

Tim James:

A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.

Tim Gray:

The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.

Lisi Nortman:

Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!

Sharon Neeman:

Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”

* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.

Kirk Miller:

By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.

Kim Norman:

When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!

Dave Johnson:

The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.

Bruce McGuffin:

To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.

David Friedman:

Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”

John Edwards:

There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (320)

Saturday, April 20th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:

Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sim Smailes:

Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”

Tim James:

A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.

Robert Schechter:

I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”

Fred Bortz:

“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.

Ken Gosse:

I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.

Kirk Miller:

Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”

Steve Benko:

We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?

Kat Irving:

As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)

Alan Hochbaum:

Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.

Tim James:

She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.

Brian Allgar:

“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.

Dave Johnson:

I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (319)

Sunday, April 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Brian Allgar:

Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”

“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp, Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.

David Reddekopp:

I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.

Steve Benko:

My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.

Margie Nairn:

She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.

Tim James:

A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.

Brian Allgar:

When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.

Dave Johnson:

A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.

Robert Schechter:

A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.

Roger Haugen:

The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.

Robert Schechter:

Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.

Steve Benko:

Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”

Kat Irving:

He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.

Kirk Miller:

Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (317)

Saturday, March 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He gave scullers a recommendation
That they ought to use synchronization
To improve their boat’s speed,
Because what rowers need
Is a great deal of co-oar-dination.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special POULTRY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My chicken was glum in her coop;
She was coughing and had a bad croup.
So we called Doc Elixir,
Who told us to fix’er
By giving her hot people soup.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Charles Simmons, Dave Johnson, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Victor Hood, John Shardlow, Thomas Vincent, Brian Allgar, Kat Irving, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED” RHYME DIVISION)

Charles Simmons:

A knight galloped up on his steed
To rescue a maiden in need.
But his horse hit a rut,
He lit on his butt,
And the fair damsel laughed till she peed.

Dave Johnson:

A baker’s assistant must heed
Instructions to get up to speed.
Now here’s my advice:
Be direct and concise;
Then give them the dough that they knead.

Fred Bortz:

My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
In order to be PhDed:
Your thesis committee
Must grill without pity.
It’s time that you be third-degreed.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In “Defense Class” the ladies agreed
To follow the famed Kick-Box Creed:
“Keep real careful watch,
Go right for the crotch,
And make sure he is properly kneed.”

Tim James:

A guy with a strong carnal need
Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
“What I want, I don’t know.
Let’s just go with the flow.”
Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.

Victor Hood:

She said to me, “I’m in great need
Of a very large dose of some speed.
Though my body is yours,
To get into my drawers
The deal is the speed for the deed.

John Shardlow:

The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
I’ll slay you for spilling your seed.”
He replied “There’s no waste;
It’s wallpaper paste.
It happens when I feel the knead.”

Thomas Vincent:

An indigent baker named Reid,
Made loaves with some illegal weed.
Soon the profits did grow;
He was rolling in dough.
Not bad for a baker in knead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (POULTRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
For his tongue all too often got stuck,
And he gave them a shock
At the rest’rant “Thai Wok” –
He’d intended to order Fried Duck.

Kat Irving:

The handsome young rooster was loosed
On the young of the brood. He seduced
A hen called Matilda.
The shock nearly killed her!
His chickens will come home to roost.

Mike Moulton:

A handsome young chicken named Fred
Tried to charm all the hens in the shed;
He said “I’m a great cock.”
But the hens in the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Tim James:

The detective, his face in a scowl,
At the murder scene let out a growl:
“These dead turkeys and chickens ―
The sight of them sickens!
Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”

Brian Allgar:

I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
But when I am starving,
I’d rather be carving
A swan, which I’m eating at present.

Jean McEwen:

As a vegan, I follow a creed:
I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
Even eggs are taboo,
So I’ve really no clue
Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.

Tim James:

My poultry plant foreman averred
That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
“If that hen you just plucked
Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.

David Friedman:

The chicken was mad and it showed:
“I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed.
“Forgotten have I
The whole reason why
I crossed this proverbial road.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!