Posts Tagged ‘John Edwards’

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (323)

Saturday, June 1st, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to HILDY ZAMPELLA, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Each evening, as darkness approaches,
See them scurry about, all the roaches.
What a friendly old dump;
Even rats nice and plump
Come on out just to say “buenas noches.”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Cuisine-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My girlfriend and I in the kitchen
Make a sauce that we both find bewitchin’.
In this recipe French
She behaves like a wench,
And I peel off her layers of stitchin’.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Tim Gray, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Kim Norman, Dave Johnson, Bruce McGuffin, David Friedman, and John Edwards. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DUMP” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He placed his gargantuan rump
On the solid-gold toilet. Said Trump,
On inspecting the haul,
“That’s the greatest of all!
Bette Davis was right: What a dump!”

Sharon Neeman:

As we jogged down the street past the dump,
I heard a most ominous thump:
The stench of decay
Made my partner first sway,
Then stagger, then fall on his rump.

Jean McEwen:

I have frequently wondered how Trump,
Who, possessed of a sizable rump
And comportment so haughty,
Approaches the potty
When driven to take a large dump.

Tim James:

A guy who was dumb as a stump
Took his gal to a landfill to hump.
She had too much panache
To make love among trash.
The result: he got dumped at the dump.

Tim Gray:

The Tower of one Mr. Trump
Is having a bit of a slump.
Tenant treatment’s appalling,
And values are falling.
Is it slowly becoming a dump?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CUISINE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

When dining in China, I’m faced
With a quandary: Whether to taste
The still-squiggling fish
That they’ll plop on my dish,
Or head for McDonald’s post-haste.

Lisi Nortman:

Eating “whole foods” and seeds made me quake.
Grains and seaweed sure gave me an ache.
And when I first tried flax
I just couldn’t relax;
Turning vegan was one huge missed steak!

Sharon Neeman:

Mark looked at her glass and said “Gad!
What an awful drink YOU almost had!
The French may cook frogs;
Balinese may roast dogs —
But you just can’t drink ladybugs*, Mad!”

* And yes, I came very close to swallowing a ladybug. Fortunately, I noticed it swimming in my glass of water, just as I was about to take a large sip.

Kirk Miller:

By making some food in a flurry,
The cook got a raise in a hurry
From her Indian boss
For a fabulous sauce.
And she did it by favoring curry.

Kim Norman:

When people go vegan, they shout it.
Their food’s never butchered; they sprout it.
With tofu and grains,
They’ve unfettered their veins.
If only they’d shut up about it!

Dave Johnson:

The White House is lacking in flair
When champion sports teams are there.
It’s Big Macs and fries
For just some of their guys;
The rest skipped the whole, dumb affair.

Bruce McGuffin:

To eat with your feet is just rude.
It’s barbaric, revolting and crude.
But I’ve got to try it
As part of my diet.
Instead of meat, I’ll eat toe food.

David Friedman:

Said Anton, a consummate foodie,
“My dishes are things of great beauty;
They’re gorgeous, nutritious,
Gourmet and delicious,
But always just end up as doodie.”

John Edwards:

There’s a chef who likes venting his spleen
On TV, whilst preparing cuisine.
And his language I fear
Means no knighthood next year.
You CAN’T say “F… off” to the Queen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (318)

Saturday, March 23rd, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Two pencils set off on erase,
Looking sharp as they scratched out a pace;
The number one led,
Then the two got ahead,
But it ended a draw for first place.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Conductor-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

An ancient conductor named Tim
(Not me) met that Reaper most Grim.
He was well past his prime
Up on stage, beating time,
Till today, when time fin’lly beat him.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Fred Bortz, Thomas Vincent, Kat Irving, John Edwards, Lisi Nortman, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RACE or ERASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When the demagogue entered the race
Scary changes began to take place.
People took great delight
Showing hatred and spite,
Meeting two definitions of “base.”

Fred Bortz:

“It’s time that we cut to the chase,”
Said the lad in a sweaty embrace.
“Your body’s so supple.
I’m eager to couple.”
She replied, “Wait, this isn’t a race.”

Thomas Vincent:

When viewed from a ship out in space,
Humanity’s such a disgrace.
If evolving’s the test,
And Trump is the best,
We surely aren’t winning the race.

Kat Irving:

I’m in love with a dashing young fellow
Who plays an enormous red cello.
When he picks up the pace,
My heart starts to race.
And I swoon when his touch becomes mellow.

Tim James:

He was awed by her body and face,
So he went with her, back to her place,
Where he found out that “she”
Was hung better than he.
That’s an image he’d like to erase.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONDUCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

John Edwards:

To a cellist, a maestro from Datchet
Said, “This is the tempo – please match it!
Your instrument lies
Between your two thighs;
And you just seem to sit there and scratch it.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The conductor seemed very forlorn:
He told me, “I’m terribly torn;
Though this job is first-rate,
Today wasn’t great
Cause Ms. Dinah would not blow my horn.”

Brian Allgar:

“That flautist!” recalled the conductor.
“She was hot, and I tried to instruct her
In ‘playing the flute,’
But my flute had gone mute,
So, regrettably, I never … what’s the phrase I’m looking for?”

John Edwards:

The conductor stepped onto the stand.
A lady said, “Isn’t he grand!
He looks pretty slick
With his cute little stick.
And he waves it in time with the band.

Fred Bortz:

I’m thinking of writing these tomes:
For building things, “Bucky’s Great Domes”;
For Quantum Mechanics,
“Why Schrödinger Panics”;
For conductors, “There’s No Law Like Ohm’s.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Musicians will often expound
A philosophy, very profound:
“The conductor’s unkind,
But we do keep in mind
That at least that damn stick makes no sound.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Sorry To Be So Quiet

Thursday, August 14th, 2008

Yes, I’ve been very bad about posting lately.  Okay … delinquent.  But I promise I’ll get back to my limerick and haiku business very soon.

In the meantime, I have managed a couple of political humor posts on my other blog.  If you stop by, you’ll find my John McCain song parody and my John Edwards limerick.

Hey, I may be a liberal, but who can resist poking fun at John Edwards these days?