MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is dogs. First, my limerick:

Dear Puppy
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear puppy, how long will it be
Till you learn where it’s kosher to pee?
They said you were bright,
But there’s no end in sight
To your accidents. Please try a tree.

And now my dogs haiku:

She comes between us,
Foiling our would-be embrace.
Dogged chaperone.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about dogs. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your dog-themed verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Technorati Tags: Dog Verse, Puppy Poetry, Puppy Love, Writing Prompts, Pet Poems

This may well be the silliest haiku I’ve ever written.  But I was determined to use all five words of Poefusion’s latest prompt in a haiku:

Not so winsome gal
Flings cranberries at her prey.
Can’t lose quacky ducks.

And speaking about poetry prompts, I’ve just posted a new one: Taxing Verse Limerick & Haiku Prompt.

Technorati Tags: Animal Haiku, Duck Verse,  Creative Prompts

Ode To A Greedy Squirrel
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A squirrel who wanted some food
Did something I’d call rather rude:
He squeezed into a cage,
Ate the bird feed — not sage.
Now his tummy’s too fat to extrude.

Note: This limerick is based on a British news story about a greedy squirrel that squeezed through the bars of a “squirrel-proof” bird feeder and “gorged on so many nuts it could not squeeze back out through the bars.” The squirrel remained trapped inside, until an RSPCA Inspector used a crow-bar and grasper to widen the gap between two of the bars. 

(You can find more of my pet and animal humor here and you’ll find more animal related poetry here.)

Technorati Tags: Squirrel Humor, Greedy Squirrels, Funny Wildlife, Weekend Wordsmith

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! And now that Thanksgiving’s over, have you finished shopping for holiday gifts yet?  And braced yourself for your office Christmas party?  And how’s that list of New Year’s resolutions coming? 

Aren’t holidays fun?

But getting back to the world of poetry, Totally Optional Prompts has asked for animal poems.  So here’s a very short one:

My parents’ poodle—
Their beloved pet,
The grandchild I denied them.

For a much lighter look at the same subject, here’s my humorous essay called A Poodle Tale.

Last, but not least, I’ve just start creating short humor videos starring — you guessed it — moi! So if you get a chance please check out My Family Needs Me on my other blog.

Technorati Tags: Holiday Verse, Poodle Humor, Pet Poems

First (And Last) Visit
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m allergic to felines; I sneeze 
And I tear when they’re near—then I wheeze. 
So I wish you had warned 
That your house is adorned 
With a half-hundred cats (Siamese).

Author’s Note: This limerick is based on personal experience. Many years ago, a composer asked my chamber ensemble to rehearse at her home, so she could record a work of hers that we were getting ready to debut. I’d barely taken my oboe out of its case, when I started having trouble breathing.  My attack got very bad, very quickly, and I was forced to leave without rehearsing. 

I later learned that our host’s hobby was breeding cats, and that her house was packed with them. Since I’m very allergic to cats, this would have been a good thing to have been warned about. 

(You can find more of my pets and animals humor here and more of my health humor here. And you can find more place-centric verse over at Totally Optional Prompts.)

Technorati Tags: Cats Humor, Feline Verse, Allergy Limerick, Chamber Music Rehearsals, Health Humor

I’m an insomniac and I must admit to taking a bit of solace at learning from a podcast that “zebrafish - a common aquarium pet - can have a genetic mutation linked to sleep problems.”

That calls for a limerick, don’t you think?

Fishing for Company
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I can’t sleep.  I don’t know what to do.
Troubling thoughts seem to come, right on cue.
But my iPod distracts me
With news that attracts me:
“Sometimes fish get insomnia too.”

(You can find more of my pets and animals humor here and my health humor here.)

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And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival Of Satire
* Carnival of Humor 

Technorati Tags: Insomnia Humor, Sleeplessness, iPod, Fish Humor, Zebrafish Limerick, Animals, Scientific Research

These two horse-related poems were loosely inspired by this week’s Totally Optional Prompt:

First, a limerick:

A Horse of A Different Color
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are folks who succumb to a weakness
For races like Belmont and Preakness.
But there’s only one horse
Race I’ll bet on—the course
To the White House—a sign of my geekness?

And now, a haiku about New York City:

Trumpeting cars horns.
Clip-clopping carriage horses.
Central Park Sunday.

(You can find more of my horse humor here.)

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And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Feminism At Its Finest
* Carnival of the Insanities
* Carnival Of Satire
* Blog Carnival of Observations On Life
* All Women Blogging Carnival
* Anything Goes Blog Carnival

Technorati Tags: Horse Humor, Central Park, New York, Horse Racing, Triple Crown, Belmont Stakes, Preakness Stakes, Political Horse Race

May I Please Have Your Paw In Marriage? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Is your schnauzer in love with your collie?
Jolly England can help you, by golly:
Canine weddings—dog marriage
I’d never disparage.
But prenups? Now that would be folly.

Fine Feathers, a farm in the Staffordshire Moorlands, is offering pet “weddings” for people who want their dog, cat, or farm animal to marry its mate. I found this gem of an oddball story in the weird news feeds, which are regularly updated on my offbeat news page.

(You can find more of my dog and animal related poems and humor here and my marriage humour here.)

NOTE ABOUT THE UPDATE:  I decided I didn’t like the last line of my limerick and have replaced it with a new one.  (The old one was “But please don’t let ferns marry holly.”)

Technorati Tags: Dog Humor, Pet Limericks, Animal Verse, Canine Poems, Pet Marriage, Schnauzer, Collie, Jolly England, Animal Weddings

Cashing In With “Doggie da Vincis” (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A dog trainer needed some cash,
So she dreamed up a plan—made a splash:
Teaching dogs how to paint
Abstract art. Great they ain’t,
Though their pictures make mine look like trash.

According to a June 2007 AP news story, Mary Stadelbacher, a dog trainer from Salisbury, Maryland, taught three dogs how to hold a paint brush and paint abstract art. The “doggie da Vincis” are being featured in a Salisbury University art gallery and also have a line of greeting cards.

I must admit to being conflicted about this story.  On the one hand, it strikes me as utterly absurd and makes me feel bad for artists who paint actual art.  On the other hand, those dogs sure as hell paint a lot better than I can.

(You can find more of my dog and animal related verse and humor here and my money humor here.)

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And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Friday Ark
* Carnival of the Insanities
* StoryBlogging Carnival
* Carnival of Family Life

Technorati Tags: Dogs Humor, Canine Poems, Doggie da Vincis, Abstract Art Satire, Animal Training, Dog Trainers, Dog Painters, Blog Publicity, Linky Love

A Lamb On The Lam (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A lamb on the lam in the City
Of New York, which most clearly has pity:
The lamb escapee
Said, “You ain’t eating me!”
He was pardoned, and so ends this ditty.

I couldn’t resist writing a limerick about the seven-month-old lamb that escaped a live-animal market in The Bronx, New York and led police on a several block chase before it was captured. Animal lovers will be glad to know that instead of being returned to the market, it was delivered to an animal sanctuary.

(You can find more of my animal humor and verse here and more of my food humor and poetry here.) 

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And now some links, for your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* Ringing of the Bards
* Blog Carnival On Observations On Life
* Carnival of the Vanities
* Law West of the Pecos

Technorati Tags: Lamb, Sheep, Animal Limerick, Food Limerick, Police Limerick, The Bronx, New York City Limerick, Animal Lovers, Pardon Limerick

I love animals, so I can understand why pet owners sometimes get a bit carried away.  But this takes the kibble:

Yoga for What???
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There is yoga for doggies, I swear—
Caught a canine-filled class on the air;
Watched the owners and pets
Stretch and pose in their sweats—
Cosmic moolah they must have to spare.

Technorati Tags: Canine Humor, Dog Humor, Dog Yoga, Canine Yoga, Pet Owners, Dog Owners, Wealthy Dog Owners

Only In Queens, New York  (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Wanna ride?” says a cop on the force.
I decline, though politely, of course.
I am tired, it’s true,
But my joints do not rue
My refusal. He’s riding a horse.

(True story:  A New York City cop on horseback offered me a ride after I complimented him on his beautiful (and gigantic) horse. Though tempted for roughly a nano-second, I took pity on my back and said a cowardly “no thanks.”) 

Technorati Tags: Queens New York Humor, Cop Humor, Policeman Humor, Police Force, New York City Cops, Horse Humor, Horseback Riding, Animal Humor

A Doggone Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“It’s so cute!” said the child, with delight.
“You can’t have it,” said Mom. “Puppies bite.
It’s adorable, true,
But dogs nip, bark, and chew,
And your Daddy will cower in fright.” 

Technorati Tags: Animal Satire, Pet Humor, Child Humor, Parental Humor, Family Fun

Dog Days Of Roofing
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Our roofers must enter your yard,
But their access is blocked by your guard—
That gargantuan Doberman,
Feared by most sober men—
And boozing pre-roofing is barred.

Technorati Tags: Home Repair Humor, House Repairs, Construction Humor, Roofing Humor, Contractors Humor, Canine Humor, Dog Humor, Pets, Animal Satire, Drinking, Alcohol

Here’s another limerick about our recent New York snow and ice storm: 

The Up Side Of Winter
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Outside our abode, it ain’t nice;
There’s snow on the ground and there’s ice.
But I’m snug in my house—
Just me and my spouse
And our mouse. Leave this haven? No dice! 

Technorati Tags: Weather Humor, Snow, Ice, Storm, Winter, House, Home, Seasons, Marriage

Marriage Catch
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Said the fellow, “I need some advice.
Tell me how I can catch me some mice,
Cause my wife saw some lurk
By the fridge—went berserk!
Till I catch ’em, my sex life’s on ice.”

(My marriage humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Humor, Sex Humor, Mice Humor, Vermin Humor

Appearances Count (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Her appearance took all by surprise,
For her hair had succumbed to some dyes.
Her lush tresses, once red,
Were now turquoise instead.
Say goodbye to that Westminster prize!

(For those who aren’t familiar with the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, it’s a prestigious international dog show and competition, held annually at Madison Square Garden in New York City. It dates all the way back to 1877.)

(My pet and animal humor is here.)

Technorati Tags: Animal Humor, Dog Humor, Canine Humor, Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Ode To Autumn
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The most colorful season of all
Is autumn, which many call fall.
It’s the time when leaves die
In a feast for the eye,
And fat turkeys await their last call.

Technorati Tags: Seasonal Verse, Holiday Verse, Leaf Peakers, Northeast Travel,  Thanksgiving Limerick, Seasonal Limerick, Holiday Limerick, Turkey Humor

Being a feminist, even a moderate feminist like me, can make it tough to dodge duties unsuited to the squeamish. In my case, squirrel removal.

Like most people, I prefer my squirrels outdoors. So I wasn’t exactly pleased when a squirrel decided to invade my turf. One morning last winter, when I was barely awake and shuffling down our basement stairs, something with a bushy tail flashed past me, mere inches from my toes. So I ask you, what’s a feminist to do? Yell hysterically? Scream for help? Well, … yes. I also scrambled up the steps, slammed the door, and told myself the squirrel would find its own way out.

For the next few hours I wondered what my squirrel was up to. I even tried to talk myself into marching downstairs and facing him down. Or creeping downstairs and checking things out. Or opening the cellar door just a crack, peering down the steps, and shutting the door fast before the squirrel became suspicious.

What kind of feminist was I, I asked myself, as I paced a floor above the intruder. Surely Gloria Steinem would stand her ground against a tiny rodent. Thank goodness I wasn’t famous enough to be a Rush Limbaugh target. “Femi-Nazi hypocritical wimp Madeleine Begun Kane is ascared of a wee little squirrel,” he’d surely say if he knew I existed. … (A Squirrely Lesson is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Squirrel Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Home Ownership, Feminism Humor, Rush Limbaugh, Femi-Nazi Humor, Basement, Cellar, Trapping Animals, Exterminators