MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Ode To An Absent-Minded Husband
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your umbrella can not have gone far.
Can’t believe how forgetful you are!
If we still had each cent
On umbrellas you’ve spent,
We’d have cash to put gas in our car.

Note: My otherwise wonderful husband has lost so many umbrellas over the years, our umbrella fund could actually gas up at least a dozen cars … even at today’s prices.

Thanks to Simply Snickers for the “umbrella” prompt, Weekend Wordsmith for the “torrential rain” prompt, and Sunday Scribblings for its “family” prompt.

Technorati Tags: Cars Limerick, Gas Price Humor, Absent-Mindedness, Family Verse, Money Poetry, Marriage Poems, Relationships Poetry, Weather Limerick, Husband Humor

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is relatives. (Thanks to Read Write Poem’s aunt prompt, which inspired this broader theme including any family member.) First, my limerick:

Crazy Aunts
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Crazy aunt in your fam’ly? Let’s see:
Does she scoff at conventions with glee?
Fail to act quite her age?
Give advice strangely sage?
In my fam’ly, the crazy aunt’s me.

And now my haiku:

He made an offer
That I just could not refuse:
Marital bliss.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about a relative. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have two whole weeks!  Why? Because I still haven’t started my tax return.

(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here.)

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your family-themed verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Technorati Tags: Family Limerick, Relatives Haiku, Writing Prompts, Family Verse, Aunt Poetry, Funny Relatives

Romance — A Foreign Concept?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Instead of your long-winded rants,”
Says the gal, “I’d prefer some romance.”
Then her husband replies
With a glint in his eyes:
“Tell me, where do you think you are — France?”

(Inspired by the “Romance” prompt over at Totally Optional Prompts. And speaking of prompts, there’s still time to give my “bad jobs” prompt a try.)

Technorati Tags: Romantic Verse, Romance Limerick, Relationships and Marriage Humor, France, Foreign Concepts

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is lies and deception. First, my limerick: 

“Your excuse simply can’t be believed.
You’re a liar! I feel quite deceived,”
Said the gal, as she wept,
To her lover, who’d slept
With her mother. (I guess she was peeved.)

And now, my haiku:

People who maintain
That they are always honest
Are surely lying.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about lies and deception. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky.

(If you need some tips on limerick or haiku writing, I link to some helpful sites here.)

Technorati Tags: Lies, Deception, Betrayal, Relationship Haiku, Lover’s Quarrel

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! And now that Thanksgiving’s over, have you finished shopping for holiday gifts yet?  And braced yourself for your office Christmas party?  And how’s that list of New Year’s resolutions coming? 

Aren’t holidays fun?

But getting back to the world of poetry, Totally Optional Prompts has asked for animal poems.  So here’s a very short one:

My parents’ poodle—
Their beloved pet,
The grandchild I denied them.

For a much lighter look at the same subject, here’s my humorous essay called A Poodle Tale.

Last, but not least, I’ve just start creating short humor videos starring — you guessed it — moi! So if you get a chance please check out My Family Needs Me on my other blog.

Technorati Tags: Holiday Verse, Poodle Humor, Pet Poems

This week’s theme over at BlogFriday is annoyances, and I’m betting this scenario will ring a bell:

One Of These Days, I’ll Actually Say This (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We’re annoyed by your motormouth child.
He is boist’rous and noisy and wild.
So please put a lid
On your rude, rowdy kid.
Cuz, trust me, we aren’t beguiled.

Technorati Tags: Parenting Humor, Badly Behaved Child, Misbehaving Kids, Children Humor, Annoyances Limerick

Charge! (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“A charge account’s wrong to its core,”
Said the dad, who paid cash at each store.
Then a flight was near barred
By the lack of a card,
Until “Here,” said his teen, “I have four.”

Author’s Note: This limerick is loosely based on personal experience. My now 92 year old father used to strongly disapprove of charge accounts. But one day, many years ago, he had to book an emergency plane trip over the phone and was stymied by his lack of a charge card. Fortunately, I had a charge account, even though I was an unemployed college student. So I proudly saved the day, and my father became an immediate charge card convert. 

(You can find more of my money humor and verse here. and you can find lots of money related poems and prose over at Sunday Scribblings.)

Technorati Tags: Charge Card Humor, Charge Account, Borrowing Money

Chick Flick Flack
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a film’s called a chick flick, it’s meant
To appeal to most women. How bent!
I’m a gal through and through,
But those flicks make me boo,
While my husband applauds. What a gent!

(You can find more of my marriage humor here and my feminist humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Husband Wife Humor, Feminism Humor, Flick Film & Movies, Chick Flicks

Taking Our Marriage’s Temperature
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband and I can agree
On most everything—“a” straight through “z”.
But as husband and wife
We suffer much strife
Over temp settings—heat and AC.

(We argue over our TV’s remote control too, but it refuses to rhyme.)

Technorati Tags: Marriage Limerick, Temperature Humor, Compatibility, Husbands, Wife Humor, Heat Humor, AC Humor, TV Remote Control, Spousal Humor, Husbands and Wives

It’s mid-August, which means back-to-school day is just around the corner.  And that in turn means it’s time to start shopping for school supplies: rulers and notebooks and pens and lunch boxes and calculators and computers and school clothes and … bulletproof backpacks???

“We’re just trying to give kids a defensive tool to use in case something does happen,” Curran said of the backpacks, which sell for $175 US. …

Since they started selling online last week, they’ve sold out of their initial stock of several hundred backpacks and are now ordering a new shipment from Massachusetts.

Methinks this calls for a limerick:

Bulletproof Backpacks: In Case Your Kid’s Classmate Is Packing
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Selling bulletproof backpacks?  How sad!
Could the safety of schools be so bad,
That parents must buy
Such an item? Oh my!
Are they needed, or just a mad fad?

So parents, would you ever clad your kid in a bulletproof backpack? Take this poll and let us all know:

(You can find more of my school and education humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Bulletproof Backpacks, School Safety, Education Limerick, Schooling Satire, Back To School Shopping, School Supplies

I guess I must have led a very sheltered existence.  Why do I say that? Because I’d never heard the phrase “five-second rule” until my husband Mark used it as an excuse to eat some treat he’d just dropped on the floor.  (And yes, we’re still married.)

I naively assumed that Mark was the only person crazy enough to think germs politely wait five seconds before they attach themselves to goodies. But apparently lots of people (mostly men, I’m assuming) believe that if you drop food on the floor and pick it up really, really fast, it’s safe to eat. 

In fact, the belief’s so widespread that some scientists (who apparently didn’t have anything better to do with their time) actually studied the issue. And yes, they concluded that the rule isn’t valid. (Did you really need me — or the scientists — to tell you that?)

This leads to my latest limerick, in which I use the word date instead of husband to protect the guilty … and because husband has too many damned syllables:  

The Five-Second What???
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My date dropped dessert on the dirt.
“Please don’t eat it,” I managed to blurt,
As he started to chew
On his now blackened goo,
Saying “5-second rule — it won’t hurt.”

And now it’s time for another poll:

(You can find more of my marriage humor here and more of my food humor here.)

=========

And now some links, for your reading (and viewing) pleasure:
* Blog Carnival For Game Designers
* Business Communications Carnival
* Jim Donovan’s Hosting a Fun Poetry Competition

Technorati Tags: Five-Second Rule, Food rules, Science Humor, Scientists, Scientific Studies, Germs, Husbands, Marital Relationships, Dating

A Modest Dating Proposal For Anxious Guys  (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Introducing your gal to your mom?
Are you worried your intro will bomb?
Well here’s some advice
So the meeting goes nice:
First tell her your date’s name is Tom.

Technorati Tags: Dating, Moms, Mothers, Parents, Parenting, Dates, Introductions, Meetings, Gender Issues, Modest Proposal

Married To Money
By Madeleine Begun Kane

He’s a cheapskate, so stingy with cash,
That he threw an embarrassing bash:
When his daughter was wed
He paid eight bucks a head,
So no band, booze, or blooms — only hash.

I have lots more money humor here.  And don’t forget to enter my money-themed limerick contest with money prizes. Okay, not a lot of money, but still…

Technorati Tags: Wedding Limerick, Money Limerick, Husband Wife Limerick, Marriage Limerick, Family Humor, Cheapskate Humor, Parenting, Parents, Fathers, Dads, Stinginess. Stingy, Cash, Band, Flowers, Hash

My husband Mark and I were never meant to own a motor boat. Why not? Any couple who can’t figure out how to open their car hood, should probably stick to something propelled by oars. And we surely would have done just that, had the prior owner of our weekend home not made it a package deal. If we wanted his irresistible house, we’d have to spring for his 120 horse power boat — perfect for anyone whose idea of relaxation is charging across a rocky three mile lake at the speed of screams.

OUR FIRST TIME OUT: My husband — a man who can build a wood stove fire in a flash, who whips up gourmet feasts in fifteen languages — couldn’t figure out how to unhook the boat’s cover. Refusing my help, he struggled for an hour. Victorious at last he hurled the cover off, in the process spilling gallons of water all over the boat.

By then I was ready to bail out. But Mark handed me a pail, and we spent the next 45 minutes heaving water overboard. Once all the water was safely under the boat, it was time to begin boating. I optimistically climbed onto our 16 footer, while my husband worked the knots from ashore. A former boy scout, he did this rather well. So well, that the boat (free at last) started to drift without him. ….   (Motor Boating Just Isn’t Our Speed continues here.)

Technorati Tags: Boating Humor, Motor Boating, Outdoor Activity Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Outdoor Fun, Water Activities, Outdoor Sports

My wonderful husband Mark and I are celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary today.  Happy anniversary Mark!  This limerick is my gift to you.  (How’s that for getting off cheap?)

Chance Meeting (Wedding Anniversary Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Our encounter took place on a train—
A chance meeting, though far from mundane:
A lucky converging,
With love soon emerging—
Once strangers, now wedded-bliss twain.

Technorati Tags: Wedding Anniversary Limerick, Husband Wife Limerick, Marriage Limerick, Wedded Bliss, Chance Meeting, Love Limerick

Bugged By Mosquitos (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Mosquitos are driving me mad.
Seems a zillion are biting me—bad!
Sprays and lotions don’t work;
They keep chomping and lurk,
While ignoring my husband—the cad!

Technorati Tags: Bugs, Mosquitos, Insect Bites, Outdoors, Summer Gripes, Summer Humor, Insect and Bug Humor, Husband and Wife Humor

No Sweat Divorce (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“My husband and I are estranged,”
Said the wife, “’cause he acts so deranged.
His behavior’s aberrant
And vexingly errant.
I wish he could just be exchanged.”  

(Can you imagine if divorce were as easy as shopping? And no, this isn’t autobiographical … although I do enjoying poking fun at my wonderful husband from time to time.)

Technorati Tags: Divorce Humor, Marriage Satire, Husband and Wife Humor Shopping Humor

Thanks to all of you who participated in this, my second limerick writing contest. (And yes, another contest will be coming soon.)

The response to my Mother’s Day limerick contest exceeded my wildest hopes - 87 poems were submitted. Your delightful entries and enthusiasm has made this a fun experience for me and, I hope, for you.

Before I announce the winners, I want to thank contest sponsor Billy Jones a/k/a Billy The Blogging Poet, who is providing prize matching funds.

And speaking of prizes, I’m awarding (including the matching funds) a First Prize ($50 in PayPal cash), a Second Prize ($20 in PayPal cash), and four Honorable Mentions. And the winners are…

FIRST PRIZE goes to Mephistopheles for a limerick that made me laugh out loud:

When you’re shrunk by one shrink or another,
‘Cause you’re pissed at your sister or brother,
Does your tongue tend to trip
In a Freudian slip—
Saying one thing while meaning your mother?

SECOND PRIZE goes to Peter Sheil for this moving tribute to his mother:

“It’s the hospital here, please come fast!”
There we sat, with our thoughts from the past.
At the side of her bed
Nothing more could be said.
One short breath … then one more … then her last.

And four HONORABLE MENTIONS go to (listed in submission order):

Jesse Frankovich:
My mommy is loving and caring,
Only sometimes a bit overbearing:
“Make your bed! Clean your room!
Mow the lawn! Don’t presume
You can play all day long! And stop swearing!”

Stella:
A mother is patient and kind,
Forgiving, forbearing, refined;
But mind if she cracks,
When stressed to the max,
‘Cos she’ll wallop your sorry behind.

BobfromThirsk:
As a baby I loved my dear mother
‘Till she gave me my sweet little brother.
But hang on there mum
What’s that lump in your tum,
O.M.G. is she baking another?

Mary Lou Healy’s The Steamy Novel:
That marvelous mother of mine
Thought my penchant for reading was fine.
She gave me a book.
Before letting me look,
Ripped out eighty through page eighty-nine!

Congratulations to all the winners, and thanks again to everybody who participated. (You can read all of the entries here.)

And please stay tuned — I’ll be announcing another limerick contest very soon right here in this blog — probably mid-June.

Technorati Tags: Limerick Contest, Mother’s Day Limericks, Contest Results, Prize Winning Limericks,  Holiday Verse

My spring limerick contest was such a success, I’ve decided to hold limerick contests regularly.  And it’s time for another one. 

So here’s my challenge: Write a limerick related to the subject of mothers and post it here in a comment to this post no later than Saturday, May 12, 2007.  I’ll announce the winners on Mother’s Day, May 13, 2007.

The first prize will be $25.  The second prize will be $10.  Both prizes will be paid via PayPal.

So, what exactly is a limerick?  It’s a five line poem with an AABBA rhyme scheme and a very specific meter exemplified by these winning entries. (For more information about limericks check out these fine sites: Encyclospeedia Oedilfica and OEDILF.)

I’m looking forward to reading your entries!

UPDATE: The prize money has just doubled, thanks to a matching funds contest sponsorship by Billy Jones a/k/a Billy The Blogging Poet. Thanks to Billy’s generosity,  there now will be $50 in first prize money and $20 in second prize money. Very cool, Billy!

UPDATE 2: This contest is now over, and the winners list and winning entries are posted here. Thanks for your wonderful entries, and stay tuned — another limerick contest is coming soon.

Technorati Tags: Limerick Contest, Mother’s Day Limericks, Writing Contests, Moms Humor, Parents Humor, Parenting Humor

A Doggone Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“It’s so cute!” said the child, with delight.
“You can’t have it,” said Mom. “Puppies bite.
It’s adorable, true,
But dogs nip, bark, and chew,
And your Daddy will cower in fright.” 

Technorati Tags: Animal Satire, Pet Humor, Child Humor, Parental Humor, Family Fun