Archive for February, 2007

I’m Not Bowled Over By Bowling

Monday, February 26th, 2007

The last time I went bowling, I aimed my ball so badly, it went flying diagonally and landed in a neighboring lane. (On the other hand, I’m not half-bad at Wii-Bowling.)

I’m Not Bowled Over By Bowling
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Don’t ask me to bowl. I’m the worst.
When I try to, I’m bound to be cursed.
Other bowlers complain:
“You must aim for your lane!”
No more bowling, unless I’m coerced.  

Man Can’t Live By Bread Alone … Or Can He?

Saturday, February 24th, 2007

Man Can’t Live By Bread Alone … Or Can He?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Here’s some bread for some bread at the store.
Bring back change or you’re toast, cause we’re poor.
Get me wheat bread or white,
And I’ll toast it quite light.
But this dough ain’t for anything more.

UPDATE: I’ve just learned via Cloaked Monk that today, March 23rd, is Toast Day. So don’t forget to toast Toast Day.

Linky Love

Saturday, February 24th, 2007

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Dems ‘Embrace’ Brits’ Pullout, Seek To Revoke Declaration Of Independence

Backup Blues

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

Backup Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

They told me to back up my drive,
Which has crashed—it’s no longer alive.
Had I heeded their warning,
I wouldn’t be mourning
My data, which didn’t survive. 

Antique Antics

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

Antique Antics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Is this lampshade antique or just old?
They tell me it’s rare. I’m not sold.
But I had it appraised
And was rather amazed:
It’s worth thousands, though covered in mold.

Deal? Or No Deal!

Sunday, February 18th, 2007

Deal? Or No Deal!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You lied in your last deposition,
Further weak’ning your flimsy position.
I’ve been fleeced, I can see—
It’s apparent to me.
So an out-of-court deal ain’t my mission.

The Up Side Of Winter

Friday, February 16th, 2007

Here’s another limerick about our recent New York snow and ice storm: 

The Up Side Of Winter
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Outside our abode, it ain’t nice;
There’s snow on the ground and there’s ice.
But I’m snug in my house—
Just me and my spouse
And our mouse. Leave this haven? No dice! 

Wintry Woes

Friday, February 16th, 2007

My latest limerick was inspired by this week’s New York weather: 

Wintry Woes
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In winter, a job I’d not pick
Is wielding an ice pick, when sick.
I abhor it, when well
And, when ill, well, it’s hell.
Oh my heavens, the hail’s coming quick! 

Surmounting Marriage

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Surmounting Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions:

  1. Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
  2. Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips?
  3. Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?

Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid?  (Surmounting Marriage is continued here.)

Those &^%$#$% Auditions!!!

Monday, February 12th, 2007

Those &^%$#$% Auditions!!!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If a symphony job is your mission,
You’d better learn how to audition.
Those try-outs are trying.
Remember, no crying!
Can’t hack it? Become a physician.

Why I Rarely Go To Parties

Monday, February 12th, 2007

Why I Rarely Go To Parties
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The minute I walked in the door,
I was trapped by a talkative bore.
Though he thought he was deep,
I was soon deep asleep.
They should bottle this guy. What a snore!

Litigation Ode

Monday, February 12th, 2007

Litigation Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“You don’t care about others. You’re callous,”
Said the plaintiff, with undisguised malice.
“Well, you haven’t been sweet,”
He replied in a beat,
“Since the night that we wed, my dear Alice.”

Linky Love

Monday, February 12th, 2007

Some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Obama Announces For President… In Hit Show ’24’

Valentines Day Humor

Monday, February 5th, 2007

A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.  … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)

Edu-Gaffe

Monday, February 5th, 2007

Edu-Gaffe
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Being accurate’s highly essential.
This is math, not some course existential.”
We enjoyed a brief laugh
At the lecturer’s gaffe,
For our subject was jurisprudential. 

Linky Love

Monday, February 5th, 2007

Some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival of Satire

Open Sesame

Saturday, February 3rd, 2007

Open Sesame
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Why on earth are CDs packed so tight?
You can’t hear them without a huge fight.
When you buy a CD
Then your plight is to free
That damn disc. It might take you all night.

UPDATE: Happy Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day! (August 7)

Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day Video

UPDATE 2: Oct 1 is CD Player Day.

Deep Pockets/Pricey Dockets

Saturday, February 3rd, 2007

Deep Pockets/Pricey Dockets
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you’re broke, it ain’t smart to defame
An affluent fellow’s good name.
With his pockets so deep,
Your defense won’t be cheap.
No, the law ain’t a poor person’s game.

(My legal humor is collected here.)

A Biting Limerick

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

A Biting Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Ow! My tooth aches,” a man told the nurse,
Whose answer was biting and terse:
“The Doc’s in a tizzy.
His schedule’s too busy.
Take asp’rin. Come back when it’s worse.”

(My Dental Deal, a funny dentist/patient contract, is here.

UPDATE: Happy National Toothache Day! (celebrated yearly on February 9th) And happy Dentists Day! (celebrated yearly on March 6th)

Practice, Practice, Practice

Friday, February 2nd, 2007

Practice, Practice, Practice
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The teacher called out from his car:
“Ma’am, your daughter’s a driver’s ed star.
Her steering’s quite deft,
She knows right turns from left,
And, with practice, she’s bound to go far.”

(My car humor is collected here.)