Archive for the ‘Leisure Time Humor’ Category

Beach Day (Limerick)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2016

Lying down on the sand to get tanned
Is a pastime I NEVER have planned.
And my swim skills are grim,
Way too hard on my vim.
But long walks on non-beach-land are grand.

Happy National Beach Day! (Aug. 30)

Happy “Nude Day!” (July 14)

Monday, July 14th, 2014

Limerick Ode To “Nude Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal likes to publicly doff
All her clothing, then pose to show off.
“It’s a strip search time-saver
I did you a favor,”
When jailed, she’ll transparently scoff.

Sunny Limerick

Tuesday, May 27th, 2014

Sunny Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I confess that I’m really not one
To use sunscreen, but please don’t make fun.
My skin’s still protected;
The scheme I’ve selected
Is hide and stay out of the sun.

Happy Sun Screen Day! (May 27)

UPDATE: “Don’t Fry Day” falls on the Friday before Memorial Day.

At The Risk Of Dating Myself, This Doesn’t Pass The Smell Test (Limerick)

Thursday, August 15th, 2013

I wish I were making this London singles event up, but apparently not:

You like pub crawls? Then here’s some great news
For singles who care about loos
And do not mind their scent:
There’s a singles event—
Toilet dates. I’d prefer just the booze.

Yet Another Limerick Ode To “Rabbit Ears”

Saturday, August 3rd, 2013

Yet Another Limerick Ode To “Rabbit Ears”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Most New Yorkers can’t see CBS.
It’s a hairy Time Warner Co mess.
But I see it fee-free:
We’ve no cable, you see,
And use rabbit ears — access success!

Note from Mad Kane: This limerick was inspired by the fee dispute between Time Warner Cable and CBS. A previous feud between Time Warner Cable and ABC inspired my original Ode To “Rabbit Ears.”

Escapist Limerick

Thursday, September 20th, 2012

Claudia over at DVersePoets asks us to write a poem about our quiet moments:

Escapist Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When I need to escape and relax,
I read thrillers — fictitious attacks
On a gal or a fellow
I’ll root for while mellow—
Avoiding true life’s ugly facts.

Camp-Free Limerick

Wednesday, June 6th, 2012

Poetic Asides prompts us to write poems about camping. As you can see, I’m not exactly a roughing-it kind of gal:

Camp-Free Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m reluctant to rough it outside.
I need comforts a house can provide.
I’m too timid to camp,
But at home I’m a champ
Where mosquitoes can’t feast on my hide.

Update: August 20 is World Mosquito Day.

Some Humor For International Museum Day

Thursday, May 17th, 2012

May 18th is International Museum Day, a holiday founded by ICOM (International Council of Museums) in 1977. So I figured this was as good a time as any for me to post my How To Visit An Art Museum

HOW TO VISIT AN ART MUSEUM
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are many good reasons to visit an art museum. Impressing a date. Vying for a slot in the cultural elite. Some people actually go because they appreciate art. If you’re a novice art fan, this is how it’s done:

1. Your virgin museum visit should take place while you’re out of town. That way, your displays of ignorance will be witnessed only by strangers.

2. When you’re a safe distance from home, ask a concierge, cabby, or vagrant to suggest a show. It doesn’t matter whom you ask. At any given time, the entire population of any given city is racing to see some highly hyped, limited-engagement exhibit which is over tomorrow. This is the show everyone will recommend.

3. Arrive at the museum blissfully unaware that the show’s been sold out for months. Do so by car. In order to save time, drop your spouse off to buy tickets. Spend an hour touring the parking lot. Worry about what your mate will do to you when and if you ever see her again.

4. Coax your car into a quasi-legal spot. Sprint towards a distant building which presumably houses art. Remind yourself, once again, to join a gym.

5. Encounter an unruly mob of art aficionados awaiting admission. Hear rumors that the exhibit is sold out. Ascertain rumors are true. Curse out museum. Curse out vagrant. Wonder how you’ll ever locate diminutive spouse in horde of lanky art lovers. Wonder whether finding her is such a good idea.

6. Encounter a couple arguing about whether to leave. One mate insists this is no way to see art. (You’re inclined to agree.) The other gripes about the wasted admission cost. Save their marriage by purchasing tickets.

7. Wend your way through throngs in quest of spouse. Miraculously find her commiserating with sisterhood of women who lost mates to parking lot abyss. Proudly display tickets just as spouse proudly displays hers.

8. Talk about selling extra tickets. Argue that you should have checked with each other before buying tickets. Talk about selling all four tickets and abandoning art for a mall.

9. Notice that one pair of tickets is for one o’clock show and the other isn’t good until four. Decide that since it’s nearly one now, you’ll worry about unloading second set later.

10. Find out the museum is two hours behind schedule; you won’t make it beyond lobby before three. Ask yourselves, yet again, why exactly you came.

11. Wait on line. Learn it’s the wrong line. Fight way onto another line which will presumably get you into exhibit you no longer want to see.

12. Wait another half-hour in sweltering firetrap. Ask spouse to save your place on line while you contend with the coat-check. Dispose of jackets. Ask guard what kind of lunatic runs the museum.

13. Reclaim spot in front of spouse. Ignore belligerent patrons, badgering you to go to the end of the line.

14. Gain entry into crammed room that ostensibly holds priceless works of art. Strain neck in vain attempt to view paintings. Get a random glimpse of what may or may not be an Impressionistic work. Watch height-impaired spouse try to crawl her way to the front. Rescue her from enraged mob.

15. Overhear artsy noises about the exhibit. Comments like “Pointillism is a lot like connect the dots.” After an hour of this, gratefully spy an exit sign — the only mounted object in plain view.

16. Consider using the museum restrooms until you see the lines. Embark on parking lot trek, praying your car hasn’t been ticketed or towed.

When you return home, you’ll want to impress family and friends with your new found erudition. So don’t leave the museum without lots of literature. Then be sure to study the brochures and reviews intently … so you can describe every painting you failed to see.

Ginning Up Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, March 4th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s who won last week.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man who was partial to gin…*

or

A gal who was partial to gin…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Ginning Up Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man who was partial to gin
Played it often and tended to win.
When encouraged to switch
And play poker, he’d bitch:
“Gin is wholesome, but poker’s a sin.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Super Bowl 2012 Limerick

Saturday, February 4th, 2012

While hubby Mark and I are New Yorkers, Mark went to college in Boston — Northeastern University. So, with the New York Giants and the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, you’d think he might be conflicted. My limerick explains why he isn’t:

Super Bowl 2012 Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband is ready to gaze
At the Super Bowl game in a haze.
With junk food and beer,
For New England he’ll cheer.
We’re New Yorkers. The Giants are strays.

Cruising For Laughs

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

I learned some valuable lessons during the second annual Lewis Black Comedy Cruise:

1: When stand-up comics like Lewis Black, Kathleen Madigan, John Bowman, Vic Henley, Mike Wilmot, Greg Proops, Jeff Stilson, and Tim Wilson are having great difficulty standing up, they aren’t necessarily drunk. It could also be THE HURRICANE.

2. My husband’s delusions of grandeur are no longer confined to his thinking he’s both a lawyer and an MD. He now thinks he’s a comedian.

Yes, hubby Mark Kane actually did a three-minute routine on “amateur comic night” — his virgin performance — and he did amazingly well.

And no, I didn’t perform any of my limericks. Why not? Because I can’t even remember what I wrote 30 seconds ago.

3) When you rumba really fast, and with lots of enthusiasm, it passes for dancing … at least on a ship-load of Lewis Black groupies.

Okay, right now you’re probably saying to yourself, “What’s with all this prose? I want me some limericks!”

Well don’t worry. I’ve written a half-dozen limericks about the cruise and some of the comedians who made it so much fun:

Cruising For Laughs
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We went cruising with Lew, Vic, Kathleen,
John and Wilmot, whose act sure ain’t clean.
Also Tim, Jeff and Greg,
And some hurricane — Meg???
Comics bravely tried not to careen.

*****

Limerick Ode To Vic Henley
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The stand-up comedian Vic
Has a wit that’s incredibly quick.
He hails from the south,
But his city-smart-mouth
Conjures up multi-cultural schtick.

*****

Limerick Ode To Mike Wilmot
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The off-color comic named Mike
Tells some jokes that the squeamish might spike.
But his musical tales
Provoked huge laughter gales.
So Mike’s funny, but leave home your tyke.

*****

Mad Kane At Sea
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m afraid that I’m feeling at sea:
I went cruising — a comedy spree
With Lew Black and his crew,
Who were funny on cue.
How I miss all that laughter and glee!

*****

Limerick Ode To Greg Proops
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The brilliant Greg Proops hurts my brain.
His routines nearly drive me insane:
His mind is so fast,
And his humor’s a blast,
Yielding laughter that leaves me in pain.

*****

Pining For Lew
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m afraid I don’t know what to do,
Cuz I’m pining away for dear Lew.
To wait a full year
For more Lewis cruise cheer?
Such pain can’t be borne by this Jew.

*****

(You can read my limericks about the 2010 cruise here and my Kathleen Madigan limerick here.)

A Source Of Annoyance (Limerick Movie Review)

Friday, May 13th, 2011

The year is young. But hubby Mark and I already have a candidate for the year’s worst movie-going experience: Source Code. I found it so annoying and boring, that I walked out after a half-hour or so. Mark didn’t like it much either, but opted to stay, hoping for a boffo ending.

So I spent the next ninety minutes wandering around a shopping center, killing time while Mark watched the movie … or so I thought. As I later learned, the film broke twenty or thirty minutes before the movie’s ending, and they never got it going again. So much for that boffo pay-off!

A Source Of Annoyance
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The last movie we saw, was a snooze.
I left early in lieu of loud boos.
Its title was Source Code
It struck our remorse code —
Left us singing the cash-wasted blues.

(Prompted by movie poetry)

Fighting Mad

Saturday, February 26th, 2011

Since I already wrote a limerick review of the Fighter, I wasn’t planning to post on that topic again. Even Melissa Leo’s “Consider” her for an Oscar photo campaign wasn’t enough to get me writing. Though for the record, I think she looks great in those pics and I’m rooting for her.

Actually, now that I’m on the subject, here’s a message to Leo critics who fault her for showing herself in a more physically attractive light: You’re being sexist. Freedom of choice is a feminist ideal. So if Melissa Leo chooses to look glamorous and sexy for a change, that’s just fine with me. More power to her!

But back to what prompted this post. Carry On Tuesday’s saved by the bell prompt got me thinking about boxers, which reminded me of the Fighter and inspired this limerick:

Saved By The Bell
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The boxer was saved by the bell
After being in boxing match hell.
He needed a break.
That’s all it would take:
That sound ere he once again fell.

(Also for I Saw Sunday.)

UPDATE: Congratulations Melissa Leo on your Oscar! I knew you could f…ing do it.

Out on a Limb Haiku Quintet

Monday, February 21st, 2011

Though I’m never safe,
his arms always comfort me,
and that must suffice.

*****

Ballroom dancing class—
learning creative ways to
defeat the rumba.

*****

Morning legs dangle
off the bed, as antique joints
brace for their touch down.

*****

Feeling elated—
great, yet dampened by knowing
what’s soon to follow.

*****

Poised atop mirage
of a career, gazing down
at life left behind.

*****

(I wrote the 1st haiku for We Write Poems’ safe prompt; the 4th haiku for Sensational Haiku Wednesday’s elation prompt; and the 5th haiku for One Single Impression’s top prompt and Haiku Heights’ mirage prompt.)

Yet Another 2011 Super Bowl Limerick

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

Help! I can’t stop writing Super Bowl limericks! After reading about the disastrous Dallas weather leading up to tomorrow’s Super Bowl game, I felt compelled to write this limerick. (Full disclosure: Roughly a zillion years ago I lived in Dallas, played oboe in the Dallas Symphony, and taught oboe at SMU.)

Yet Another 2011 Super Bowl Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A friend of ours living in Dallas
Likes to brag that his city’s a palace,
Taunting “Never get snow!”
Then it snowed (don’t you know)
On the game. I won’t laugh cuz it’s callous.

Not Souped Up By The Super Bowl

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

If you read my limerick about the NFL playoffs, you probably assume I won’t be watching tomorrow’s Super Bowl game in snow-challenged Dallas. And you’d be right:

Not Souped Up By The Super Bowl (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

There are those who find football a gas.
But when football’s on, I take a pass.
I treat baseball the same.
Just don’t like any game
That has balls. I would rather mow grass.

My Chances Of Watching TV Are Remote

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011

This week Big Tent Poetry provides a bunch of word prompts, urging us to use one or more in our poems. I used three of them in my haiku (remote, function, handle) and one in a limerick (remote.)

First, my limerick:

I’m tempted to hide the remote
From my spouse in a closet or coat,
Cuz he flicks ev’ry station
In rapid rotation.
Missing show after show gets my goat.

*****
And now my haiku:

Dysfunctional spouse
Wields remote ADD-style.
Wife can’t handle it.

The Fighter, A Limerick Review

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

I fought seeing The Fighter for reasons I explain in my limerick review. But I’m glad I succumbed:

The Fighter, A Limerick Review
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I tend to hate films about fighting.
Cuz I cringe at the punching and smiting.
But The Fighter is more
About fam’ly than gore.
So see it. I promise — no biting.

(The Fighter stars Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, and Melissa Leo.)

Sporty Limerick

Sunday, January 16th, 2011

Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

So I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A sports-loving fellow named Lee…

Here’s mine:

Sporty Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A sports-loving fellow named Lee
Had a very bad elbow and knee,
Which he blamed on a fall
Suffered playing pro ball,
But he only knew sports from TV.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!

Ugh!

Saturday, January 8th, 2011

My pal Pat McGuire’s latest Unfinished Limerick Contest involves football, the NFL playoffs, and a disgusting-sounding drink called glug.

Since I hate football and would much rather drink tequila than glug, I wrote my own limerick, instead of finishing Pat’s:

Ugh!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You can’t tempt me with something called glug
In a glass or a cup or a mug.
Plus I hate watching sports
Played on fields or on courts.
So the playoffs? Won’t cheer — I’ll just shrug.

(I won’t be watching The New Orleans Saints play the Seattle Seahawks; or The New York Jets play the Indianapolis Colts; or The Baltimore Ravens play the Chiefs; or The Green Bay Packers play the Philadelphia Eagles. But if you’re a football fan, I hope you enjoy yourselves … and that you don’t lose any big bets.)