Archive for the ‘Physical Appearance’ Category

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SACK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Sunday, August 21st, 2016

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SACK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HEAT, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HEAT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 4, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 3, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A gal in the mood for a snack
Was tempted to purchase a sack
Filled with pretzels and chips,
Which would go to her hips.
How she wished it would go to her rack.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Happy Petite And Proud Day! (Limerick)

Wednesday, May 4th, 2016

If you’re five-four or under, “petite”
Is what many will call you. Don’t cheat
And pretend to be taller;
Be proud that you’re smaller…
Then savor a thick booster seat.

May 4 is Petite And Proud Day.

And yes, at only five-zero, I’ve been known to use a “booster” provided by a Broadway Theater — the very same one used (according to an usher) by Peter Dinklage.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TWIST at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, April 2nd, 2016

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TWIST at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CARS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CAR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 17, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 16 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A gal with a bun tried a twist,
Then confessed that she’d never been kissed.
But advice met resistance:
“Don’t want your assistance.
Stop dissing my hairdo!” she hissed.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

There Are Hugs … and There Are HUGS Limerick)

Thursday, January 21st, 2016

Just in time for National Hugging Day:

In a nightmare, she’s mauled by a bear,
As she fitfully sleeps on her chair.
But the truth makes her grouse;
She’d been hugged by her spouse.
“You scared me,” she says. “You need Nair!”

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BURN at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, October 17th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using BURN at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A woman was feeling the burn
While working to firm up her stern.
“But your butt is perfection!”
Was hubby’s objection.
“It’s a rear end I’m learning to earn.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Limerick for International Day Of Yoga (June 21)

Saturday, June 20th, 2015

The U.N. has decreed June 21 to be International Day Of Yoga … which gives me a handy excuse to post this silly limerick:

A gal doing yoga while dressed
In a toga, when questioned, confessed
That her garb did not work—
Turned her poses berserk.
So instead of relaxed, she was stressed.

Happy “National Donut Day” (1st Friday of June)

Thursday, June 4th, 2015

I swear I’m not making this headline up: “SI Swimsuit Models on National Donut Day.”

Makes sense, cuz after all when you think “donuts,” you think “swimsuit models.”

On the other hand, tomorrow (the first Friday in June) really is National Donut Day. So I figured I’d celebrate with a somewhat more apt stereotype:

“I’m famished — need something to eat,”
Said a cop who was walking the beat.
“My last donut was noon.
I need sustenance soon.
Make it something that’s sugar-replete.”

Not Panting To Wear Jeans (Limerick)

Wednesday, May 20th, 2015

I find jeans to be patently uncomfortable. But I’m dutifully celebrating the birthday of its patent — granted to Levi Strauss and Jacob Davis on May 20th, 1873:

Call them denims or jeans — I don’t care–
That’s one garment I simply won’t wear.
I don’t buy the appeal
Of its look or its feel,
And I’d rather go naked. Don’t stare!

The Almost Naked Truth

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

I love this headline: “Mother, 29, who ran through hotel naked ‘after her friend stole her pants’ is slapped with an obscenity charge.”

Not only did it make me laugh, but it reminded me of my own personal experience, memorialized in this humor column I wrote way back in the Twentieth Century:

A Traveler’s Net Woes
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If your husband ever invites you to join him on a business trip, be sure to ask him these questions:
1. Will you ever get to see him while he is not — technically — asleep?
2. What will he do, if you accidentally lock yourself out of your hotel room in the middle of the night while you are not — technically — dressed?

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to ask these questions when my husband Mark invited me to join him for a six-week Boston business trip. So I had to learn the answers the hard way:
1. No.
2. He will remain — technically — asleep.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Back when my husband urged me to accompany him, all I could focus on was:
1. Whether I could pack my cappuccino machine;
2. Whether I’d get any writing done so far from home; and
3. Whether we’d have reliable net access in our room.

Okay, I admit it: I’m a little — okay a lot — hooked on cappuccino and the on-line life. And I never — ever — go to sleep without reading my email and surfing the web.

Anyway, Mark managed to convince me that working out of a hotel room in a strange city would inspire new, creative ideas. He also swore that Boston is a modern city with lots of cappuccino and Internet connections. So I reluctantly accompanied him, after packing enough gear for a year.

We checked in late that first night, and the accommodations (paid for by Mark’s client) were luxurious. But I gave no thought to our lovely hotel, the sites and sounds of Boston, or the excitement of living in a new city. While Mark unpacked, requested a wake-up call, and ooohed and aaahed at the view, I foraged for a modem connection. Only one view mattered to me — the blank one on my laptop screen.

Finally, I had the computer set up. I began to relax, happy in the knowledge that any minute I’d … What’s this? An error message? What did they mean “no dial tone”?

It must be some mistake, I told myself, as I tried to sign on again and again and again. After a dozen failed attempts I was even reduced to violating my “don’t crawl on a strange rug” rule. Struggling to reach the wall behind the desk and bed, I squeezed my arm into places it didn’t belong, pulling and pushing and tugging at anything that looked important. And trying to spot a loose connection … aside from the one in my brain.

Now a normal person would probably have given up and gone to bed after 10 or 20 or 30 failed attempts to sign on-line. (By this time, Mark had been asleep nearly an hour.) But the more disconnects I got, the more determined I was to access my net account. Am I stubborn? Yes. Plus I really needed my pre-sleep fix.

So I persisted, all the while cursing out computers, the hotel, my husband’s client, and my husband, who apparently enjoys having his bed shoved across the room while he’s sound asleep.

Then it hit me — the kind of revelation one only gets way past midnight. I’d simply phone the concierge, and he’d do some concierge type thing and get it fixed. So I picked up the phone and — you guessed it — it was as dead as my modem.

You moron, I castigated myself, as I tried to guess whether I was being personally singled out for email deprivation.

Just then, I heard a sound in the hall. Eager to find out if anyone else had phone service, and forgetting that my attire (or lack thereof) would get me arrested in many countries, I rushed out the door, wedging it open with a shoe. Luckily (I thought) the sounds were coming from the next room, whose door was ajar.

“Do you have phone service?” I asked a female guest, who was still gripping her luggage.

She didn’t answer. Instead she stared at me blankly, no doubt wondering why some barefoot, barely clad crazy woman was standing in her doorway at 3 a.m.

“Do you have phone service?” I repeated.

“No speak English,” she said, as she put down her suitcase and looked around the room, possibly for a weapon. Now desperate, I attempted to mime talking on the phone. But she apparently didn’t speak mime either.

At this point, I’m afraid I did something that can only be characterized as insane; I strode into the room, walked right past her to the far end, and picked up her phone. It was dead. This was good news, because you need a phone to get someone arrested for trespass.

I put the receiver down and belatedly began to apologize. But the woman ignored me — she was embroiled in some incomprehensible dialogue with a man (her husband?) who had apparently been in the bathroom when I invaded their room. Were they plotting my demise?

I crossed the room as quickly as I could and darted past them, hoping they wouldn’t try to stop me. And that they understood the meaning of the word “sorry.”

Finally I made it out of there, and they slammed the door behind me. Relieved, I turned toward my room and, after tripping over my failed-wedge shoe, I discovered another shut door — my own.

Ten minutes of door pounding later I was still stranded in the hall, and Mark (who can sleep through anything) was still sound asleep.

By now I was more or less resigned to going to bed without reading my e-mail. But no way was I sleeping in the hall.

I probably would have continued my futile pounding, but adding the crime of “destroying the peace” to trespass didn’t seem wise. And getting thrown out of the hotel probably wouldn’t help Mark’s consultant/client relations.

But what else could I do? I couldn’t very well take the elevator downstairs and beg the concierge for a key while I was dressed like this, could I?

Apparently, I could. I started down the hallway, moving as quickly as I could manage, and fervently hoping I wouldn’t meet anyone en route. Fortunately, every reasonably sane person was asleep by then. So the halls and elevator were empty, and I even made it down eight floors to the lobby nonstop. I was so relieved, I didn’t even mind the strange looks I got from the couple getting on as I got off. Or the amused grin from the concierge when I told him I needed help.

“Phone problems?” he asked, looking me up and down.

“For starters,” I answered.

“Sorry, everything’s down at least until late morning. Anything else I can do for you?”

“Yes, I locked myself out of my room. Could you…?”

“Yes, I can see you did. Hold on and I’ll get my keys.”

“This is very embarrassing.”

He took another look and grinned again. “No problem. I’ve seen a lot worse.”

Throughout the elevator ride up and the walk to my room he regaled me with tales of locked-out guests stranded in garb that made me appear ready for a full dress ball. Then he placed his key in the door and said, “Do you have any ID?”

“What?” I said, beginning to panic. “Where would I…?”

“Just kidding,” he said as he unlocked the door.

Safely back in my room, I found Mark sound asleep. Exhausted and angry, I stared at him, willing him awake. I could have been kidnapped from the room in the middle of the night, and he would never have known. I could have …

Suddenly, Mark sat up. “What is it?” he said.

“Didn’t you notice I was gone?”

“What are you talking about? One sec. I have to go to the bathroom.”

“What were you saying?” Mark said as he climbed back into bed.

“Never mind. But you should set your alarm. The phones are broken, and you probably won’t get that wake-up call.”

“Thanks,” he said as he fiddled with the clock and lay back down to sleep. “What did you do to their phones?” he added just before he began to snore.

Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, December 7th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow’s delusions were grand…*

or

A woman had hopes that were grand…*

or

A fellow had paid fifty grand…*

or

A pianist was playing her grand…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A musician whose plans had been grand
Was canned from his gig with a band.
Though his playing was fly,
They told him “Goodbye,
You’re too cute, which is bad for our brand.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Posterior Advances (Limerick)

Monday, November 24th, 2014

Posterior Advances (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Most hospital gowns can cause tears
Cuz our butt spheres so rarely get cheers.
But the med field’s revealed
Asses CAN be concealed;
New frontiers in design shield our rears.

The Butt Of Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

Saturday, November 22nd, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was knocked on his butt…*

or

A woman was often the butt…*

or

A man was a pain in the butt…*

or

A gal was obsessed with her butt…*

or

A fellow who loved saying “but”…*

or

A fellow was holding the butt…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

The Butt Of Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A large woman said, “Doc, do my butt.
“It’s too small, and I’d like it to jut.”
“But your butt is too jutting,”
He answered, quite cutting.
“I find your case open and shut.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Trim Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Saturday, September 27th, 2014

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow liked gals who were trim…*

or

A woman went in for a trim…*

or

A fellow was trying to trim…*

or

A woman was painting the trim…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Trim Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a woman who needed a trim
Cut her hair rather short on a whim,
Her spouse baldly sued
For divorce, using rude,
Snippy grounds: “She resembles a ‘him.'”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

“No Bra Day” Ode

Tuesday, July 8th, 2014

“No Bra Day” Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Today is “No Bra Day.” Oh my!
But just ONE braless day? Won’t comply
With the custom of binding
Our breasts. I’m not minding
Those rules. I declare, “Let them fly!”

UPDATE: In addition to being celebrated on July 9th, No Bra Day is also celebrated on October 13.

(For more bra humor, here’s my Wonderbra Song Parody.)

Brooklyn’s Nutty Penis Contest (Limerick)

Thursday, June 19th, 2014

I can’t possibly resist writing about Brooklyn’s Smallest Penis Contest.

Brooklyn’s Nutty Penis Contest (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A contest for tiniest dick
Might strike you as utterly sick.
But “reverse chic” is “in,”
So a dick, short and thin,
By that measure might just do the trick.

Sunny Limerick

Tuesday, May 27th, 2014

Sunny Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I confess that I’m really not one
To use sunscreen, but please don’t make fun.
My skin’s still protected;
The scheme I’ve selected
Is hide and stay out of the sun.

Happy Sun Screen Day! (May 27)

UPDATE: “Don’t Fry Day” falls on the Friday before Memorial Day.

Bald Limerick

Friday, September 13th, 2013

Happy “Bald Is Beautiful Day.” (September 13)

Bald Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A hot woman was very enthralled
With a man who was totally bald.
It wasn’t his smarts
Or his charm or his parts,
But the central AC he’d installed.

Update: Air Conditioning Appreciation days run from July 3 to August 15.

Limerick Eyes (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, September 8th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman with beautiful eyes…*

or

A fellow was feasting his eyes…*

or

A woman with stars in her eyes…*

or

A gal was a sight for sore eyes…*

or

A fellow who dots all his i’s…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Eyes
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow is feasting his eyes
On a gal in a sexy disguise.
Since her face is quite plain,
Plainly that ain’t the main
Feature giving the man quite a rise.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To The Posture Police

Wednesday, August 14th, 2013

It seems fitting, somehow, that I read about the LumoBack Sensor on International Nagging Day. It “straps around your lower waist to track your posture and vibrates whenever you slouch.”

Limerick Ode To The Posture Police
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The LumoBack Sensor’s a grouch—
It nags and berates when I slouch:
By dispensing bad vibes,
It poor-posture proscribes.
Shouldn’t slouching be cool on a couch?

*****
Note from Mad Kane: I’ve never actually tried this gadget. For all I know, having your “lower waist” (as opposed to your upper waist?) vibrate is a delightful experience.

Forlorn Limerick

Thursday, July 11th, 2013

Forlorn Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was feeling forlorn
About having her curly locks shorn,
But was warned if her goal
Was a porno film role,
Her pubes must be fully forsworn.