Posts Tagged ‘Limerick Contest’

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WEAK or WEEK at the end of any one line

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

SCHEDULING NOTE: There’s a slight chance that the next (late June) Limerick-Off) might be delayed. If so, I’ll update the title of this post. As for why, my sample limerick below explains all.

And now, it’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WEAK or WEEK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to VISION or EYES, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best vision/eye-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 24, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 23, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

My first cataract op is this week.
(It appears that my eyes are antique.)
If it all goes sublimely,
My posts will be timely.
If not, I shall shriek a blue streak.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (299)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:

“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:

As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.

Sharon Neeman:

A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

Bob Dvorak:

I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

Byron Miller:

When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.

Tim James:

He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:

Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!

Dave Johnson:

Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.

Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

Lisi Nortman:

My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

Brian Allgar:

“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”

Dave Johnson:

With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.

Tony Holmes:

Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.

Tim James:

My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line

Sunday, May 27th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using FILE or DEFILE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to PARENTING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best PARENTING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on June 10, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, June 9, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I could break out of jail with a file.
I could talk my way out, using guile.
But I’d rather get loose
Riding out on a moose,
Cuz my motto is “do things in style.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (298)

Sunday, May 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

An amorous couple began
Canoodling back in the can.
Six miles up above,
Making passionate love;
A door lock was part of the plan.

But turbulence had its own way;
An air pocket ruined their play.
As they both tumbled out,
The fellow would shout:
“We’re flying United, OK?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GIFT-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick, which is both funny and educational:

A Berliner whose marital bed
Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
His Frau was quite miffed.
So she gave him a Gift,
Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this 2-verse limerick:

My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
On his birthday, she said,
“If you come to my bed,
I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”

Since Solly’s a family man,
He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
With a smile sweet and wide,
She most sagely replied,
“Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CAN” RHYME LIMERICK THAT IS ALSO GIFT-THEMED)

Sharon Neeman:

My cat’s an incurable giver,
Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
She’ll bring into the house
A dead lizard or mouse
Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.

If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
She will give me a hairball (oy vey!)
It’s all part of her plan:
She just does what she can
To make sure I don’t give her away.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“I give you permission. You may.
So, do not demur, or delay.
Are you able? You can?
Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
Well, do carry on then. Good day!”

Mike Shulman:

A homely old dullard named Danny
Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
He sat on a fan,
Thus dissecting one can,
And declared his new profile uncanny.

Brian Allgar:

“Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
To destroy every act,
Every treaty or pact
That the Kenyan impostor began!”

Sharon Neeman:

He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
That he left in the can
Was sufficient to ban
Him forever from every hotel.

Armchair Poet:

When his search for VP first began,
Trump desired an affirmative man.
So when asked if he’d mind
Kissing lots of behind,
“Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”

Patrice Stewart:

When she dances the can-can, you can
See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
As her long legs kicked higher,
His groin was on fire –
Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man.

Tim James:

I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
Her butt’s smooth and tan
(It’s an old root beer can.)
Now my toaster is burning with lust.

Tony Holmes:

A part of me says that I wouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
If you like all your meals from a can.
I can make stuff from scratch,
But it varies by batch;
You might say it’s a flash in the pan.

Dave Johnson:

When thinking you can’t but you can,
Just try with this one simple plan:
Put the usual don’ts
In a box with your won’ts,
Then begin like before they began.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GIFT-GIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I bought some perfume for Marie,
Who then handed it over to Leigh.
Leigh gave it to Jo,
Who said, “Here’s a gift, Flo.”
Two weeks later, it came back to me.

Sharon Neeman:

Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
And the proof can be seen
Back in 2016,
When the Russians gave Trump the election.

Armchair Poet:

Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
As a gift to us all,
He could just take the fall,
And compose an inferior rhyme.

Fred Bortz:

In politics, wouldn’t you know,
That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
So when getting a gift,
You had better be swift
To respond with whatever you owe.

Dave Johnson:

In order to patch up their rift,
He opted to buy her a gift.
His choice was a wig
Three sizes too big;
Reaction was angry and swift.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CAN at the end of any one line

Saturday, May 12th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CAN at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GIFT-GIVING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GIFT-GIVING related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 27, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 26, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

People often mix “can” up with “may,”
Never knowing which one they should say.
“Yes, you may?” “Yes, you can?”
Why not can it and ban
Their distinctions? The sticklers say “Nay!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (297)

Saturday, May 12th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It isn’t an absence of will
That makes pelicans gorge till they’re ill:
They acquired great fame
In the fish-catching game,
And they have to keep filling the bill.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BEAUTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Oh, those contests! The Donald would feast
With his lecherous hands (at the least)
On each startled young cutie;
Each barely-clad beauty
Was grabbed by a waddling beast.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Armchair Poet, Jean McEwen, Val Fish, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, and Stephen Fleming. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BILL” RHYME DIVISION)

Ira Bloom:

“Do these jeans make my butt look big, Bill?”
Asked the wife, in a voice that was shrill.
“Not at all,” he replied,
In a tone that was snide,
“But you might want to lay off the krill.”

Armchair Poet:

On 5th Ave, with a gun, he could kill.
And his base would blame Hillary, still.
Trump’s affairs and assaults,
They just call minor faults.
Something MUCH worse was done first by Bill.

Jean McEwen:

Someone snorted cocaine for a thrill,
And left snot on this ten dollar bill.
I’m imploring you, honey,
Please launder the money.
Scrub it well, ’cause I’m feeling quite ill.

Val Fish:

The cigar trick had proved a great thrill.
It was all going well up until
He came on her dress,
A warm sticky mess,
But she saved on the dry cleaning bill.

Patrice Stewart:

Yvonne went prepared for it all:
Whip, stilettos, red lips, six feet tall.
Clients gasped at her skill,
Meekly paying the bill
On those evenings when she was on call.

Tim James:

For decades, O’Reilly’s big thrill
Was harassing the ladies, until
Fox figured it out.
Then they booted the lout.
’Twas one hell of an overdue Bill.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAUTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

I’m wondering just what they think —
Those people who preen, primp and prink,
Who make it their duty
To spend cash on beauty,
Ignoring the fact that they stink.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “That girl was a beaut!
A Russian musician, so cute.
Though she played the viola,
Some good ol’ payola
Soon taught her to blow on my flute.”

Lisi Nortman:

Ms. Senior America’s soon,
And I want all the judges to swoon.
The winner will be
(And all must agree)
The gal who looks least like a prune.

Dave Johnson:

Her beauty is known far and wide;
So many have been by her side.
Majestic and tall,
She has welcomed them all;
Our symbol of national pride.

Armchair Poet:

A girl who starts out as a cutie,
And yearns to become a great beauty,
Must read Glamour and Elle,
Vogue and Harper’s as well;
A chore, but it’s really her duty.

Stephen B. Fleming:

Letitia, the loveliest lass,
Has a glorious bosom and ass.
Either coming or going,
Her best side is showing.
Take a gander; it’s truly first-class.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BILL at the end of any one line

Saturday, April 28th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BILL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BEAUTY, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BEAUTY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 13, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 12, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

“Trust me, ev’rything’s fine, so just chill,
Because when there’s a way, there’s a will.”
“But you’ve got them reversed;
The ‘will’ thing comes first.”
“See? Already I’ve helped! Here’s my bill.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (296)

Saturday, April 28th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I research old age and disease,
But it’s grim, so I joke and I tease.
My new study’s complex;
It involves lots of sex-
Agenarian interviewees.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special EGO-Themed Limerick Award for this clever ACROSTIC limerick:

There’s nobody smarter than me;
Renowned as no other can be.
Unlike all the rest,
My brain is the best;
Perfection, you’ll have to agree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Mar-a-Lago: surrounded by tees,
The hooker was down on her knees.
But she laughed when he stood
And presented his “wood” –
It was roughly the size of a bee’s.

Sharon Neeman:

Spring means ditching our sweaters for tees,
Showing ankles and calves — perhaps knees —
And, alone in the grass
With a lad or a lass,
Joining in with the birds and the bees.

Jean McEwen:

At the beauty salon, I said “Please:
I need highlights, a trim, and a tease.”
Now, my hair’s full of mats,
Like a nest full of rats.
On my head there’s a hive full of bees!

Tony Holmes:

When Black Widow Nellie’s in heat
Every male on her menu is sweet.
She will put them at ease,
With some tickle and tease,
Then it’s consummate nuptials – and eat.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Please enjoy our assorted fine teas.
Domestic? Perhaps Cantonese?
We’ve added some weed
To assure that, indeed,
You’ll come back and request a reprise.

Bob Dvorak:

My son, in his 2’s, pushing 3’s,
Begs me, “Daddy, please help me out, please!
“It’s the AY-BEE-CEE song
“That’s just awfully long!
“I can never get past AR-ESS-TEEs!”

Brenda Bryant:

I am prone to forgetting my keys,
Or they fall down the back of settees.
It is rather a bore
When I can’t lock the door,
But the burglars can get in with ease.

Fred Bortz:

He orders, “Get down on your knees,
And prove that you know how to please
With your full, ruby lips.
Then let’s finish with whips.”
Oh, that Marquis de Sade’s such a tease!

Dave Johnson:

The dancers – all handsome and thrilling,
Have clients so happy and willing.
With ladies to please
They are more than a tease;
Their job is both hard and fulfilling.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EGO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who calls his limerick “In-augur-ation Day”:

He dismisses the experts (statistical),
And relies on his sycophants (mystical),
Whose tally (“Oh, Mama!
You’ve doubled Obama.”)
Feeds into his needs (egoistical).

Sharon Neeman:

When he says “I’m the best! Did you ever
Know anyone my kind of clever?”
I won’t spew, gag, or fart;
With my hand on my heart,
I’ll say “No, Mr. President. Never.”

Jean McEwen:

I suspect that the famed Sigmund Freud
Would with me be profoundly annoyed.
My id has gone wild.
My virtue, defiled.
My ego? It’s underemployed.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In Paris, the Hilton’s elite,
But the girl with that name ain’t so sweet.
She thinks that she’s great,
Just really first-rate;
She even will kiss her own feet.

Tim James:

If it’s brains that you want, I’m the best;
And my wit far outshines all the rest.
But you’ll soon come to see
What’s the best about me:
I’m so humble. You’ll be quite impressed.

Byron Miller:

If you’re human, you need to be right;
Someone tells you you’re wrong, it’s a slight.
Despite tiptoes and tact,
Watch the ego react
Every time, and defensively fight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: TEASE or TEAS or TEES at the end of any one line

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using TEASE or TEAS or TEES at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to EGO, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best EGO-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 29, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 28, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A gal who loved flirting with guys
Indulged in behavior unwise.
She would do a striptease
And then mockingly squeeze
Their crown jew’ls. In the ground she now lies.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (295)

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”

Marty Gerendasy:

Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.

Sharon Neeman:

They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”

Jean McEwen:

I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!

Konrad Schwoerke:

My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.

Doug Harris:

He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …

Bruce Niedt:

A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”

John Bergstrom:

Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.

Byron Miller:

Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!

Fred Bortz:

It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)

Jean McEwen:

From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.

Dave Johnson:

It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.

Tim James:

Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

UPDATE: Deadline and New Limerick-Off Postponed by TWO Weeks Due To Broken Laptop. New Deadline is APRIL 14!!! Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BARK or EMBARK at the end of any one line

Saturday, March 17th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BARK or EMBARK at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SPRING, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SPRING-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on April 15, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you four full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, April 14, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

“Why were canines allowed on that ark?”
Whined a woman whose dog-fear was stark.
Then she jumped up and bawled,
When a pooch-owner drawled:
“Sawyer’s bite is far worse than his bark.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (294)

Saturday, March 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RANDY WAGNER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A laptop who loved to cavort
With connective devices for sport
Gushed, “I’ll always enable
A USB cable
Adapted to turn on my port.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special CLOCK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A mouse had been warned of the clock:
“It’s electric and likely to shock.”
This advice went unheeded,
So now what is needed
Is a hickory dickory doc.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Kathleen Bartoletti, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PORT” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

Claimed a windbag in Bankruptcy Court:
“I’m a stud in a ladies resort.”
But on spying his tool,
The judge ruled the fool
Had no visible means of support.

Kirk Miller:

At a nuclear plant, they abort
Operations while trying to thwart
Radiational leaks.
An inspector then speaks,
And he gives them a glowing report.

John Bergstrom:

De pirates were drinking de port.
They were down to their very last quart.
But de porter came by
And renewed their supply –
He re-ported ’em, ’fore they ran short.

Fred Bortz:

They frolicked at Trumpster’s resort
And elsewhere, the papers report.
A tryst in Chicago?
Perhaps Mar-a-Lago?
Then Stormy says, “See you in Court!”

Kirk Miller:

A yoga instructor named Mort
Gave students some extra support.
“Do you have time to meet
One-on-one?” asked young Pete.
“I’m flexible,” came the retort.

Tim James:

A sailor, a free-spending sort,
Hired a hooker for sexual sport.
He said, between sighs
As she straddled his thighs,
“Lean a bit more to starboard! Now port!”

Dave Johnson:

With climate change, time’s running short;
That ice melt will fail to abort.
Proceeding this way,
In Phoenix some day
They’ll have to establish a port.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLOCK LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Daylight Saving Time’s playing its tricks:
I’m in Israel; my cuz from the sticks
Of New Jersey just phoned;
“Five AM here!” I groaned.
“Oh no, really? I thought it was six!”

Jean McEwen:

Their functions are fairly routine:
Sound alarms, say when meetings convene.
The typical clock
Just goes tick and then tock,
But YOUR clock? Now, that one I’ll clean!

Kathleen Bartoletti:

She heard her bi’logical clock
Loud and clear, and with ev’ry tick tock,
She cried and thought maybe
Instead of a baby,
She’d be forced to adopt a Pet Rock.

Brian Allgar:

She sighed. She’d been sucking his cock
For a couple of hours by the clock,
But the guy was still limp.
“Fake news!” cried the wimp.
“I’m the Donald. I’m hard as a rock!”

Sharon Neeman:

My clocks used to tick on the wall,
And a grandfather chimed in the hall.
Now they hide, half unseen,
At the edge of my screen,
With no ticking or chiming at all.

Dave Johnson:

It looked like the win was a lock;
So coaches said “Run out the clock.”
But things happened fast,
Their lead wouldn’t last;
Which won them some papers that walk.

Tim James:

“Spring forward, fall back.” He had mocked
That old bromide, but now he was shocked.
He was one hour late
For his meeting at eight.
With the time change, he’d gone off half-clocked.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PORT or SUPPORT or REPORT or DEPORT at the end of any one line

Sunday, March 4th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PORT or SUPPORT or REPORT or DEPORT at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to CLOCKS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best CLOCK-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 18, 2018, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 17, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I’m going to court for a tort
That took place at a fancy resort.
Here’s the thrust of the case:
My client’s poor face
Was struck by a bottle of port.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (293)

Saturday, March 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When the doc said, “Ovarian cyst,”
She added his name to the list
Of clueless physicians
Who fail in their missions.
She’s trans, which he somehow had missed.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special HAIR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Before her Brazilian, Miss Claire
Grew a raggedy thicket down there.
Although follicly taxing,
Its waning by waxing
Left Claire’s hairy lair fairly bare.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, David Reddekopp, Mike Shulman, Bob Dvorak, Kirk Miller, John Bergstrom, Ailsa McKillop, Mike Burch, Jean McEwen, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Judith H. Block, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Hubby checked out his phone while he pissed,
And — pre-dick-tably — some of it missed.
Now the loo stinks like hell,
But he claims there’s no smell!
Oh, I wish he would cease and desist!

David Reddekopp:

I was nearing the end of my rope.
Would the government give me some hope?
Their reply left me pissed:
“If these problems persist
They’re built into the system, so cope.”

Mike Shulman:

A ribald gent liked to insist
He could come with a flick of the wrist.
He flicked when a cop
Made a brief traffic stop,
And was slapped with a “cease and desist.”

Sharon Neeman:

“My brother’s disgusting!” she hissed.
“Did you hear what he said? I’m so pissed:
‘If adding E-R
Takes a word twice as far,
Then a sister’s just worse than a cyst’!”

Bob Dvorak:

Some readers will find themselves pissed
When on viewpoints I loudly insist.
’Twould be better, I say,
To debate, than say “Nay!”
Present FACTS that one cannot resist.

Kirk Miller:

Charles Dickens could never resist
A martini; the yearn would persist.
So the bartender spoke
Seven words as a joke:
“Hey there Charlie, want Olive or Twist?”

John Bergstrom:

There was a young man who’d insist
He could shop without making a list.
“For the last seven weeks
I’ve bought nothing but leeks.
I don’t care if my girlfriend gets pissed!”

Ailsa McKillop:

The round table game did persist.
Ev’ry man held some cards in his fist.
With expressionless mien
I’d have savoured the scene,
If how poker was played I had wist.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HAIR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Mike Burch:

The hair flap was truly a scare:
Trump’s bald as a billiard back there!
The whole nation laughed
At the state of his graft;
Now the man’s wigging out, so beware!

Jean McEwen:

I thought that I’d reached for shampoo,
But now the damn comb won’t go through.
Although properly tagged,
The wrong bottle I grabbed.
And that’s why my hair is now goo.

Tim James:

I try to take aging with grace,
Despite wrinkles and sags in my face.
Things have slowed down a lot.
But there’s one thing that’s not:
It’s my hairline, retreating apace.

Dave Johnson:

Rapunzel, please let down your hair;
A fellow from Guinness is there.
He’ll measure your tresses,
And my simple guess is
The record, with inches to spare.

Brian Allgar:

“So waddya think of my hair?”
Said the Donald. She gave him a stare.
“Well, the color – bright yellow –
Is odd for a fellow,
And most of it just isn’t there.”

Judith H. Block:

The guy was as huge as a bear,
So drunk, he slid off the bar chair;
He took a large swig,
Then he grabbed at her wig,
She truly escaped by a hair.

Byron Miller:

Though his trumped-up successes, he’ll flaunt,
Saying, “Let’s make the deal that YOU want.”
I just can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Dave Johnson:

While Elvis was known for his hair,
His fans were more likely to stare
At the gyrating show
Going on down below;
A pelvis with follicle flair.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST at the end of any one line

Saturday, February 17th, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using INSIST or PERSIST or ASSIST or CYST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HAIR, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HAIR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

Ev’ry day I succumb to distractions
And lose track of my plans and transactions.
I’ll jot notes, make a list,
But frustrations persist;
For instance, don’t make me do fractions.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (292)

Saturday, February 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m skinny, a virtual rail,
And I tip one-fifteen on the scale.
People say, “You should eat!
Try some wholesome white meat!”
But at chicken and turkey I quail.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Winter Olympics-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The judge from each country inspects
Every move that the couple selects
For their dance on the ice.
So they heed this advice:
You can win if you simulate sex.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Bob Dvorak, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Nancy Stanley, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Scott Crowder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIL/DERAIL RHYME DIVISION)

Craig Dykstra:

Please forgive me a bit while I rail
’Bout this nasty new veggie called kale.
But I cook mine in oil,
So it takes much less toil
To scrape from the pan to the pail.

Sue Dulley:

A towel may hang on a rail.
A picture may hang on a nail.
When you’re in your car
Driving home from the bar,
A police car may hang on your tail.

Brian Allgar:

On a windy day, out for a sail,
The Donald fell over the rail.
Well, the sharks came to sniff,
But they all took one whiff
And then fled from this foul-smelling whale.

Craig Dykstra:

He got caught making love with a male
And got run out of town on a rail.
Their affair was taboo,
But what else can you do
When in love with a poodle named Dale?

Bob Dvorak:

They don’t do “it” while traveling by rail,
Nor on airplanes, nor under a sail.
Says the woman, with woe,
“In and out? To and fro?
Proper motion gets lost in the male.”

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump likes to rant and to rail
’Bout UrAsia’s uranium sale,
But it’s simply bad acting
In hopes of distracting
His base with another tall tale.

Sharon Neeman:

Allow me a moment to rail:
Doritos is way off the trail.
Launching quieter chips
For the ladies’ sweet lips
Is a sexist, predictable fail.

Nancy Stanley:

Yes, we’re all getting used to the tale:
The Prez thinks he’s SO ‘Alpha Male.’
But from his tweeting fingers,
There’s no doubt that lingers;
His crazy train’s gonna derail.

Dave Johnson:

When hiking, we know of a trail
So steep, they provided a rail.
It’s handy and nice;
Such a thoughtful device,
If you hate sliding down on your tail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER OLYMPICS LIMERICK DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

The officials won’t cut any slack;
If you cheat, you’ll be catching some flack.
You’re a dope if you dope
And you haven’t a hope.
And your medal? Well, nope, give it back!

Scott Crowder:

The skaters will glide on the ice,
Routines well-rehearsed and precise,
And we shall embrace,
All the beauty and grace.
Yet, ev’ry four years will suffice.

Sharon Neeman:

Here’s a Winter O. sports list for me:
Drinking contests — hot chocolate and tea;
Carpool driving in hail;
Dash through snow for the mail;
Pairs of socks worn at once (I’ve scored three!)

Tim James:

The Olympic to-do won’t abate;
To the hype, though, I just can’t relate.
They can luge, sled and ski,
But it means naught to me.
When it comes on the telly, I skate.

Sue Dulley’s Slopestyle:

Your snowboard must glide down a rail
And then over a cliff-edge you sail.
With your mitt you must grip
Your board’s edge; spin and flip,
Neatly land without fail, then exhale.

Dave Johnson:

Last winter and how it was spent:
The snow always came – never went.
Our shovels we’d fill,
But the driveway was still
A downhill Olympic event.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: RAIL or DERAIL at the end of any one line

Saturday, February 3rd, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using RAIL or DERAIL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to the WINTER OLYMPICS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best WINTER OLYMPICS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 18, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 17, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I frequently travel by rail
And would rather ride trains than set sail,
Cuz a train was the place
Where I first saw the face
Of my husband … plus torso and tail.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (291)

Saturday, February 3rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

If I thought I might want to expend
Tons of cash on a porn star, I’d fend
Off that notion tout de suite.
By my wife I’d get beat,
And on Twitter I’d doubtlessly trend.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Impatience-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You buttonhole me in the queue
And boast of the wonders of you —
But frankly, my dear,
I’m in no mood to hear,
For I’m dying to go to the loo.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Gary Henderson, David Reddekopp, Michael Moulton, Kirk Miller, Perry Plouff, Brian Allgar, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PENNED” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

He told her he had to expend
Some “quality time” with a friend.
Her answer was snide:
“Were you staying inside,
Then falling asleep in the end?”

Sharon Neeman:

“He’s a writer,” you say of your… “friend” —
But what has he actually penned?
You clothe him and feed him
And think that you need him.
He’s mooching! Wise up! Make it end!

Gary Henderson:

The Donald asked Stormy to bend,
And to lift up her ample rear end.
“I’ll be happy to try,”
She said with a sigh,
“Once you take off that yellow Depend.”

David Reddekopp:

So now that I’m older, I tend
To lose my shit, out my rear end.
And since there’s a chance
That I’ll poop in my pants,
That means on Depends I depend.

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump, from the tweets that you’ve penned,
It is clear you think Putin’s our friend.
When he hacked our election,
He got an erection,
And we all get screwed in the end.

Kirk Miller:

Read a book Chubby Checker had penned,
Recommended to me by a friend.
It’s a mystery, so
I suppose you should know
That the book has a twist at the end.

Perry Plouff:

And so now I’m obliged to defend
All the poems I never have penned.
I can’t think of a rhyme
For the rhyme word this time,
So my rhyming is now at an end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (IMPATIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

This tailgater thought he could say:
“Hey buddy, get outta my way!”
My foot disagreed;
An appropriate speed
Is causing him further delay.

Brian Allgar:

The voters impatiently wait
For their country again to be great.
But despite what Trump said,
It’s a shithole instead –
If you vote for shit, shit is your fate.

David Reddekopp:

They’re taking their time, and I worry
Whose favor do I have to curry?
I would hate to be late
For my date – I can’t wait!
O God, grant me patience, but hurry!

Tim James:

For the mafia doc things are bleak,
And he’s now in a high state of pique.
It’s the local D.A.’s
That have caused this malaise:
They’ve been trying his patients all week.

Dave Johnson:

“Get going!” he yells at the cars;
“What’s taking so long?” in the bars.
If the future were here,
He’d probably sneer:
“Too slow!” on a shuttle to Mars.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line

Sunday, January 21st, 2018

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using PENNED or DEPEND or EXPEND at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to IMPATIENCE, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best IMPATIENCE-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on February 4, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, February 3, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my “penned” limerick:

“My regrets, but I can not attend,”
Reads each answer, both emailed and penned.
Not one guest for my bash!
So my dream turns to ash.
Will this nightmare of mine never end?

And here’s my impatience-themed limerick:

As I wait and I wait and I wait,
I am thrust beyond merely irate.
what is taking so long?
Did my muse smoke a bong?
Seems a punchline-less lim’rick’s my fate.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (290) (UPDATED)

Sunday, January 21st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this 2-verse limerick:

A fellow was trying to steal
A kiss (and much more) from Lucille.
Though he coaxed and cajoled,
It just didn’t take hold.
In his spiel she found little appeal.

Well, he’s only sixteen. My own line
At that age wasn’t polished or fine.
I remember the urge
When those hormones would surge…
STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, YOU SWINE!

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TEEN-Themed Limerick Award for this 2-verse limerick:

Roy Moore has a craving for teens;
Oh, the charm of those tight little jeans
On the sweetly pubescent!
He’s always tumescent,
And getting his under-age greens.

“I’ve been libelled by sick magazines,”
He insists. “So I go for fourteens?
‘Let the little kids cum’,
Jesus said. I ain’t dumb –
That’s what true Christianity means.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sharon Neeman, Steve Whitred, Konrad Schwoerke, Fred Bortz, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STEAL/STEEL” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A welder who lived in Mobile,
Was known for his fingers of steel.
When lovers were bruised
From his fondles, he mused:
“I’m sorry, that’s just how I feel.”

Sharon Neeman:

If I were a robot of steel,
I wouldn’t eat chicken or veal.
Plugged in for an hour,
I’d rest and re-power.
Electrons: the true vegan meal.

Steve Whitred:

A dossier authored by Steele
Could confirm that collusion was real
But the part on page three
Where those women go wee
Made the FSB laugh in a peal.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Take a hair, and at most, I might squeal,
But a kidney’s a much bigger deal.
Though a lung is too dear,
I will lend you an ear,
And my heart you are welcome to steal.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEEN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

“Dear parents,” advises the sage,
“You know that your teens will engage
In actions erotic.
Just don’t be despotic.
Remember you once were their age.”

David Reddekopp:

To be sixteen again! I’ll explain
Why a wish of that sort is in vain:
I would spend ev’ry week
Of my sexual peak
With my gland in my hand, once again.

Sharon Neeman:

In this foul wintry storm that I dread,
As I work with sick joints and sore head,
I recall: in my teens,
When I woke to such scenes,
I’d feign fever and go back to bed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!