Posts Tagged ‘Bindy Bitterman’

Limerick-Off Award (521)

Saturday, May 4th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUSAN SETTJE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Every night when the hallway is black,
Naughty children are on the attack.
Is it army-men green?
Tiny marbles unseen?
No, tonight, I have stepped on a jack.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the ANNOYANCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:


Annoyances?! I’ve quite a few.
For a start, there’s that leak in the loo.
I’ve a regular flow,
As small gripes come and go,
But the big one’s still here, and it’s you!

Congratulations to JUSTIN OCONNOR, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.

My brain – it no longer has space.
There are things I will need to erase.
Yes, it’s time to eject
Stupid facts I collect
And let new pointless stuff take its place.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman, Terry Marter, Anthea Simick, Alice Lam, Bindy Bitterman, Tim James, Doug Harris, Justin OConnor, Jim Strossman, Tim Roberts, Jean McEwen, Marc Davidson, Bob Turvey, and Joan Perrin. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: TACK/ATTACK-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though I sometimes will long to talk smack,
It is pointless to try; I’ve no knack.
When it’s my turn to diss,
I say something like this:
“Tell your Mother, go sit on a tack!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TACK/ATTACK-RHYME DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

My goal was to chill and sit back,
Read the paper, and then hit the sack.
But my plan was in vain
Cuz my OCD brain
Gave rise to this lim’rick attack.

Terry Marter:

At the carpet bugs’ party-time snack,
They heard a loud almighty wack!
When they turned, they saw Fred
Was apparently dead;
Fully hammered, – now under a tack.

Anthea Simick:

Please don’t think this a verbal attack,
But I can’t take much more of your flack.
I have bitten my tongue
At the insults you’ve flung.
Now I’m ready to give it right back.

Alice Lam:

Today, I have gotten off track,
But it’s not motivation I lack.
My cat’s on my lap
And she’s taking a nap.
I’m not lazy, just under attack.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Expecting a frontal attack,
One poor victim when strapped to the rack,
Face down, as it were,
Had no time to demur;
Some have said he was taken aback.

Bindy Bitterman:

Oy, that siren! An air raid attack?
A tornado glimpsed twenty miles back?
Nah, just Mary’s two kids
Doing what she forbids—
It goes off when they sneak in to snack!

Tim James:

He’s a Trumper, so cut him some slack.
He knows nothing but how to talk smack.
Since I don’t wish to carp,
I’ll say only: He’s sharp.
(Like a bowling ball, not like a tack.)

Doug Harris:

My dentist said; “Son, all this plaque
Is something you need to attack.
Start gargling and flossing
And maybe less tossing
Of sweets down your neck for a snack?”

Tim James:

He flexed, and looked forward and back
As he silently planned his attack.
Then he struck, and his prey
Lay in shreds, cold and gray.
Catnip toys cause more mayhem than crack.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ANNOYANCE-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

She’s a tenant, about to receive
Legal notice demanding she leave
If she doesn’t get rid
Of her dogs, cats, and kid.*
You could call it her landlord’s pet peeve.

  • a young goat, of course

Justin OConnor, for his “Annoyed Puppy”

As soon as he gets up to leave,
His dog barks and then nips at his sleeve.
He can’t take her to work,
So she barks, “What a jerk!”
Now that’s what I call a pet peeve.

Jim Strossman, for his “Exotic Pet Dealer’s Lament:”

Raising porcupines has for me been
An enterprise fraught with chagrin,
I occasionally will
Get impaled by a quill.
Man, that really gets under my skin!

Tim Roberts:

“Your hair is annoying,” she said.
“So please shave it all off your head.”
In order to faze her,
I got out my razor
And shaved off my nutsack instead.

Terry Marter:

Living closely with one’s kith and kin,
Was Plan A, but it’s under my skin.
So I’ve turned to Plan B,
Which will soon set me free,
But I’m gonna need more than one bin.

Jean McEwen:

A huge source of vexation, for me,
Is when folks fail to RSVP
To an invite – then show
Up and act just as though
They’re entitled to join in high tea.

Terry Marter:

I deal with those small things in life
That grow large over time, causing strife.
Like the wee gal I wed,
Who has outgrown our bed.
She’s now missing; the rumors are rife.

Marc Davidson:

It’s the cause of no little annoyance
Seeking gems with the proper chatoyance.
This search for a glint
Keeps my eyes in a squint
And calls for a deal of clairvoyance.

Lisi Nortman:

Fin’ly realized without any doubt
What the noise in my car was about.
The sound was so shrill
It was making me ill.
Bit the bullet and pushed my wife out.

Bob Turvey:

When I met a young dog in the street,
He yapped and then bit both my feet.
He then pissed on my shoe,
Dropped a huge smelly poo,
And his owner said, “Isn’t he sweet!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Says a soothsaying senior named Snead,
“As a Seer I’m still up to speed!”
He loves his clairvoyance,
But hates the annoyance
Of relying on glasses to read.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: FALL, FREAKY, GLAMOROUS, LONGER, POINTLESS.)

Jim Strossman:

On the golf course from Spring until Fall
I swing at that freaky white ball;
I aim left, it goes right,
Sometimes right out of sight!
It seems pointless to aim it at all.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My cat is a creature prehensile,
And whenever she falls on a pencil,
She gets a good grip,
Then gnaws at its tip,
Till it’s rendered a pointless utensil.

Jean McEwen:

Anne and Victor were hopelessly geeky.
But then Anne, one day, donned a dashiki.
Her new look was so glamorous–
Vic got all amorous.
Kinky sex then ensued. Kind of freaky!

Joan Perrin:

In the mirror I no longer see,
Any vestige of glamorous me.
It is pointless, that’s all,
As I watch my face fall:
Norma Desmond, I turned out to be.

Justin OConnor:

There’s a strange, freaky jellyfish ball.
That takes place underwater each fall.
No longer deemed pointless.
(It’s just for the jointless.)
But glamorous? No, not at all.”

Tim James:

With the ladies I yearn to get freaky,
But old age has crept up on me. Sneaky!
I’d like to get stronger
So I can go longer.
This body’s become a bit creaky.

Terry Marter:

Looking glamorous, dressed for the ball,
Her breasts perky, though not very small,
In her see-through topped gown,
Were the talk of the town,
The word “pointless” heard nowhere at all.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (519)

Saturday, March 9th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny and timely two-verse limerick:

That passenger flight went awry
While thousands of feet in the sky.
A window seat door
Wasn’t there any more;
Unbolted, it fell from on high.

And now their commercial can say:
“Come fly with us – starting today.
Our Boeing Max 9
Is a new plane so fine;
Its features will blow you away!”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He was trapped when the burglars broke in,
Tied with ropes from his toes to his chin.
But his son heard him call,
And he bit through them all –
He was saved by the teeth of his kin.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever “Venus de Milo” limerick which uses at least two of these five words: LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.

What’s up with her schmata? (A dress?)
She sure didn’t “drape” for success!
With no arms, life’s unfair.
You can’t fix your own hair.
Ms. Milo’s a classical mess!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Tim James, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Marc Davidson, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Bindy Bitterman, and J.OConnor. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

Observers conject as to why
Mona Lisa’s smile looks kinda wry.
Despite the belief
That she ain’t got no teef
There’s now proof that she’d just screwed her guy.

Tim James:

I looked at the bottle of rye.
It was 86 proof. With a sigh,
I imbibed (to excess)
And woke up in a mess,
Missing teeth. Now the riddle is: Why?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

A gleaming-white-smile kinda guy,
Screwed his dentist’s wife once, on the sly.
Since the dentist’s revenge,
His teeth look like Stonehenge,
Lots of gaps and all angled awry.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WRY or RYE or AWRY-RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

By a fantasy he was inspired
To make love on a bike. This required
That he be fit and spry.
But it all went awry:
When he tried it, it made him two tired.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When it used to be Siri and me,
I was happy as happy can be.
But it all went awry
When this open AI
Started blabbing on ChatGPT.

Bob Turvey:

Said an actress, “Oh my goodness me!
Archbishop – your hand’s on my knee!
You’ve a glint in your eye…
And your vestment’s awry!
And you haven’t yet paid me the fee!”

Marc Davidson:

I’m giving gymnastics a try,
For I’m feeling uncommonly spry.
But I’m booking, you betcha,
Two guys with a stretcher,
in case my attempt goes awry.

Fred Bortz:

There once was an atheist guy
Who decided to give God a try.
What led him to choose
To commune with the Jews?
The kosher dill pickles and rye!

Robert Schechter:

I thought I’d give baking a try.
It didn’t go well. I won’t lie.
The recipe said
I was baking white bread,
But somehow my plans went a rye.

Tim James:

Said a woman whose outlook was wry:
“Why do men always think they must lie?
Seven inches? No way!
Mark my words when I say:
I can measure such objects by eye.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOTH/TEETH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once, the tooth fairy used to buy back,
Any tooth — be it pearly or black.
The prize for a chomper,
When I wore a romper
Was cash. Now it’s just some old plaque.

Lisi Nortman, for her “Leonardo da Vinci’s Request”

“You look great in that Renaissance style,
But your ugly teeth stick out a mile.
Kindly breathe through your nose
To assume a new pose.
Mona, please try a more subtle smile.”

Robert Schechter:

I thought I was dining on cattle,
But chewing became a great battle.
I found out the truth
When I busted a tooth
On the stud of a fine English saddle.

Terry Marter:

Here’s a tongue-in-cheek tale of a sleuth
Who is well past the prime of his youth.
The defective detective
Is now less effective,
Short of breath, and too long in the tooth.

Bob Turvey:

If you drive in mid-winter in Leith —
GO SLOW — or you may need a wreath;
The council’s so mean
They’ve no gritting machine –
Their advice is to grit your own teeth.

Marc Davidson:

I’m buying my dentist a wreath
For the coming demise of my teeth.
I’m down in the mouth,
For my hygiene’s gone south,
Exposing the rot underneath.

Tim James:

My dentist is cranky and old,
And his manner’s increasingly cold.
What I really can’t stand
Is his unsteady hand.
That’s what gets on my nerves, tooth be told.

Tony Holmes:

My wife’s teeth are like stars in that they
Will come out at the close of each day.
And once toothless – sans bite –
She’s a pitiful sight,
But her tongue’s just as sharp, so, “Oy vey!”

Mark Totterdell:

A fine set of teeth has the ocelot,
Though it’s true that they do make him cross a lot.
When food scraps get stuck
It’s annoying as f*ck
And if only he could he would floss a lot.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A born chiseler, one dentist Keith,
Claims, “Your smile will light up like a wreath!
For ten grand (thereabout),
These new crowns will stand out.”
So his patients all sport big-buck teeth.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A golfer who’s constantly gutting
It out in a rough that needs cutting,
Maybe looks to the green,
To make shots more pristine;
For the proof is (they say) in the putting.

Brian Allgar:

“Look, these charges are really unfair!
They’re riddled with lies and hot air.
The riot that day
Was messy, OK,
But there’s proof I was not even there!”

Jean McEwen:

Though my tresses look messy, the breeze
Is the reason it’s tangled. So please!
Stop critiquing my hair!
You are being unfair.
At least I do not harbor fleas!

Bindy Bitterman:

Good heavens, it’s awfully unfair
To blame ME for the mess that’s up there!
Sure, it’s under my roof
But I rent to that goof
For whom “dress-up” means clean underwear!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I got holes in the lobes of each ear,
And tattoos on my back and my rear.
Then I ventured a look,
At a skin disease book,
And now I am riddled with fear.

Fred Bortz:

An unflattering SNL spoof
Sent that narcissist Trump through the roof.
When he tweeted, “Unfair!!
I have much better hair.”
They countered, “See now we have proof.”

J.OConnor:

They roundly agree she’s a square.
On the hole Peggy’s treatment’s unfair.
If Peg had looked ’round,
I’m sure she’d have found
A square Peg’s never fitting in there!

Terry Marter:

“Visit Scotland,” they said, – look for Nessie.
So we did, – took my dumb cousin Jesse.
He jumped in for a swim,
And soon Nessie found him.
After that, things became rather messy!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (506)

Saturday, March 4th, 2023

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

One shy hermit with friends on the Net,
Prefers people that he’s never met.
He’s hoping to get a
Nice girlfriend on Meta —
One that comes with a virtual pet.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the CLASS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

He’s an art student — also, an ass.
When he draws a nude model, alas,
He enhances her tits
And her lower-down bits.
He’s advanced to the head of the crass.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.

I make all my own outfits from scratch,
From odd remnants of which I’ve a batch.
Says one friend who’s elite,
“Plaids and stripes are both sweet,
But perhaps you could do with a match.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Terry Marter, Charles Simmons, Tim James, Linda Thompson, Vaughn Fritts, Michael Moulton, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Jon Gearhart, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bindy Bitterman, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NET-RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The hooker was starting to sweat
At the task that she found she’d been set.
Though she said she could toot
On her customer’s flute,
His was more like a bass clarinet.

Terry Marter:

“You’ve won,” said this gal on the net.
“A two-for-one trip to Tibet.”
I sent her the dough
And packed ready to go.
But I haven’t heard back from her yet.

Charles Simmons:

He hit his last ball in the net
And lost the last point in the set.
He started to scream,
Just to let off some steam,
Then noticed his pants getting wet.

Tim James, for his “The State of the Union.”

The question, once Biden got set:
How insane would Republicans get?
Though opinions were varied,
Each Dem should have carried
Some tranqs and a butterfly net.

Linda Thompson:

In winter I wore for a bet
A flimsy pink dress made of net.
My nipples? They froze!
And so did my nose.
They haven’t thawed out, as of yet.

Tim James:

“Be my wingman,” he begged me. “Get set,
’Cause this bar has the hottest girls yet.
Look around. You’ll agree:
Lots of fish in the sea.
Be a pal; help me haul in the net.”

Vaughn Fritts:

A fisherman tossed in the towel
And yelled at the fish with a scowl.
“By hook or by net
You’re too hard to get!
Let this be your funeral cowl!”

Tim James:

He didn’t intend to beget
A child with the barmaid, Yvette.
Still, he’ll “do the right thing”
For his butt’s in a sling
As he faces her dad’s bayonet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLASS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Rudy Landesman:

“I once took some courses at Bard’s
And went for the darn whole nine yards.
In one music class
I heard Philip Glass
Wrecking music and leaving just shards.”

Dave Johnson:

When students are let out of class,
The beach is one big, teeming mass.
Spring breakers descend;
When will this ever end?
One way to describe it: morass.

Tim James:

A classless Floridian gov
Is competing for right-wingers’ love.
The nonsense he spews
Insults anyone who’s
Got an IQ of 12 or above.

Jean E McEwen:

Though decidedly born middle class,
Dee feels strongly compelled to surpass
Her peers in their standing
But, what a crash landing!
She’s hit a thick ceiling of glass.

Tony Holmes:

“To be born lower-class doesn’t mean
That you have to stay humble, old bean.
You may rise through the ranks,
Make a pile and own banks,
And become nouveau riche – and obscene.”

Vaughn Fritts:

The waitress thought he was an ass
And thoroughly lacking in class.
He picked up the tab
For lobster and crab
But tipped her in belches and gas.

Mike Moulton:

“Being woke,” says DeSantis, “is wrong.”
Being diff’rent means you don’t belong.
By ignoring the past
The future is cast,
So the weak can be crushed by the strong.

Dave Johnson:

The x-rated call-up was crass;
Auditioning actors with sass.
One fellow was sought
For the member he brought
And rose to the head of the class.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: POLICE, LONG, PUSHY, ELITE, MATCH.)

Jean McEwen:

In the annals of studs, he’s elite,
For his cock measures nearly two feet!
His dong is so long,
It’s the subject of song
And a treat for all women in heat.

Terry Marter:

Here’s a long story short: We’re a match.
It’s our second time ’round (that’s the catch.)
But we’re over the glitch
And we still got the itch,
So tonight we’ll be starting from scratch.

Jon Gearhart:

The police in my town aren’t discrete.
Their rep is well-known on the street.
In their need to loom large,
(Elite/Pushy/In charge)
They make certain they don’t miss a beat.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One walrus bull, still in his youth,
Was pushy and often uncouth.
He approached a young cow,
Barking, “Let’s do it NOW —
Before we get long in the tooth!”

Terry Marter:

She was rich; an elite — quite a catch.
For a lowly policeman, no match…
Or so one might think.
But he gave her a wink;
Now they’re married with kids (quite a batch.)

Bindy Bitterman:

The police here are known to be tough.
Arresting you’s just not enough.
You fight back and you’re pushy?
You’ll land on your tushy,
’Cause none of ’em take any guff!

Lisi Nortman, for her “Very Mean Mother.”

“How in hell will you find a good catch,
When all of your outfits don’t match?
Listen up, ‘old maid’ Ruth:
You are long in the tooth.
Get movin’ before your eggs hatch!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (331)

Saturday, September 28th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”

Lisi Nortman:

Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”

Sharon Neeman:

Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.

A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”

Steve Benko:

“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”

Bindy Bitterman:

When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!

Tim James:

With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)

Tony Holmes:

An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.

Brian Allgar:

The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)

Jean McEwen:

Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.

Steve Benko:

I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.

Bindy Bitterman:

Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (326)

Sunday, July 14th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Mosquitoes just laugh at my screen;
They somehow get through it unseen,
And night after night
As they swarm in to bite,
They say “Hey! A blood-donor machine!”

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special Wind Instrument-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The string section thinks of the brass
As totally lacking in class.
The woodwinds, meanwhile,
Just sit there and smile;
They’re high on some really good grass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bindy Bitterman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Kirk Miller, Walter Daum, John Cooney, Margie Nairn, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Jesse Levy, Tim James, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCREEN” RHYME DIVISION)

Bindy Bitterman:

Little Mikey was charming, but MEAN!
He detested the guy Ma was seein’.
But he smiled and he beckoned
And at the last second
Pushed the guy Mama liked through the screen!

Dave Johnson:

He apparently wanted to preen;
His member was flashed on her screen.
She answered “Oh wow,
I’m watching it now;
Your pinky’s the cutest I’ve seen!”

Will T. Laughlin:

Believe me, I really don’t mean
To sound Luddite. But many a teen
Has been taught to insist
That is doesn’t exist
If it doesn’t appear on a screen.

Kirk Miller:

To decipher and know what words mean
Can be hard, as I’m sure you have seen.
There’s a word that I know
Which means “hide” — also “show” —
Contradictory meanings of “screen.”

Walter Daum:

A drone-guiding, fearless marine
Was fighting an evil unseen.
He stormed into battle,
For no foe could rattle
A man armed with keyboard and screen.

John Cooney:

My revealing audition on screen
Aroused the Producer, so keen,
Who had one single question,
Well, more a suggestion:
“Please tell me you’re over sixteen!”

Margie Nairn:

We bought a gigantic TV;
Hi-Def, it’s the best it can be!
But the set has a sheen
That reflects off the screen,
So there’s no bloody way you can see!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WIND INSTRUMENTS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I play bagpipes; I’m always in sync.
Yet sometimes I sit down and think:
How good could I be?
Cuz most people agree
I sound best when they’ve had a stiff drink.

Brian Allgar:

“Grasp it firmly with both hands,” he said.
“Now go down on it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?

Will T. Laughlin:

What’s that terrible sound, like a dozen
Big blowflies contentedly buzzin’
’Round the ass of a horse?
Why, a Krummhorn, of course:
The kazoo’s less agreeable cousin!

Jean McEwen:

When away from my trusty spittoon
On the stage where I play the bassoon,
The saliva that drips
Through the reeds from my lips
Turns the sound of each note into ruin.

Will T. Laughlin:

“Men, horny?” My friend shook her head;
“We should call them ‘tromboney’ instead,
For the young ones take pride
In the length of their slide…
And the old ones? They’re sackbuts,” she said.

Jesse Levy:

I used to be good on the sax,
But my practice has gotten so lax;
With tonguing and fing’ring
I’ve just been maling’ring.
My horniness slipped through the cracks.

Tim James:

An orchestra struck for more pay.
Tempers flared; threats and anger held sway.
Then the woodwinds and brass
Got the contract to pass;
Non-violins carried the day.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Mr. Trumpet, I want you to know
That I feel it is time you should go.
We have done all that jazz,
And I’ll think of you as
A nice fella who I used to blow.

Steve Benko:

With the proper equipment for Scuba,
You could almost dive into a tuba.
All its depths you’d explore
Till a musical score
Caused its owner to blow you to Cuba.

Dave Johnson:

A bagpiper, Argus McDiffy
Was marching so proud and quite spiffy.
But wind gusts would come,
Thus revealing his bum;
Along with a crowd-pleasing stiffy.

Tim James:

I asked if she wanted to feel
My instrument. “Sure!” With great zeal,
She fingered and blew it.
From this I intuit
I’ve still got that ol’ sax appeal.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!