Archive for the ‘Vacation Humor’ Category

Cruising For Laughs

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

I learned some valuable lessons during the second annual Lewis Black Comedy Cruise:

1: When stand-up comics like Lewis Black, Kathleen Madigan, John Bowman, Vic Henley, Mike Wilmot, Greg Proops, Jeff Stilson, and Tim Wilson are having great difficulty standing up, they aren’t necessarily drunk. It could also be THE HURRICANE.

2. My husband’s delusions of grandeur are no longer confined to his thinking he’s both a lawyer and an MD. He now thinks he’s a comedian.

Yes, hubby Mark Kane actually did a three-minute routine on “amateur comic night” — his virgin performance — and he did amazingly well.

And no, I didn’t perform any of my limericks. Why not? Because I can’t even remember what I wrote 30 seconds ago.

3) When you rumba really fast, and with lots of enthusiasm, it passes for dancing … at least on a ship-load of Lewis Black groupies.

Okay, right now you’re probably saying to yourself, “What’s with all this prose? I want me some limericks!”

Well don’t worry. I’ve written a half-dozen limericks about the cruise and some of the comedians who made it so much fun:

Cruising For Laughs
By Madeleine Begun Kane

We went cruising with Lew, Vic, Kathleen,
John and Wilmot, whose act sure ain’t clean.
Also Tim, Jeff and Greg,
And some hurricane — Meg???
Comics bravely tried not to careen.

*****

Limerick Ode To Vic Henley
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The stand-up comedian Vic
Has a wit that’s incredibly quick.
He hails from the south,
But his city-smart-mouth
Conjures up multi-cultural schtick.

*****

Limerick Ode To Mike Wilmot
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The off-color comic named Mike
Tells some jokes that the squeamish might spike.
But his musical tales
Provoked huge laughter gales.
So Mike’s funny, but leave home your tyke.

*****

Mad Kane At Sea
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m afraid that I’m feeling at sea:
I went cruising — a comedy spree
With Lew Black and his crew,
Who were funny on cue.
How I miss all that laughter and glee!

*****

Limerick Ode To Greg Proops
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The brilliant Greg Proops hurts my brain.
His routines nearly drive me insane:
His mind is so fast,
And his humor’s a blast,
Yielding laughter that leaves me in pain.

*****

Pining For Lew
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’m afraid I don’t know what to do,
Cuz I’m pining away for dear Lew.
To wait a full year
For more Lewis cruise cheer?
Such pain can’t be borne by this Jew.

*****

(You can read my limericks about the 2010 cruise here and my Kathleen Madigan limerick here.)

Our Adventures on the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise

Monday, November 15th, 2010

I am not a cruise person. I hate the sun and I avoid boats and water whenever possible. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to buffets.

But when hubby Mark and I heard about the Lewis Black Comedy Cruise, featuring comedy greats like Kathleen Madigan, John Pinette, Ted Alexandro, Larry Wilmore, Vic Henley, Dom Irrera, and John Bowman, we couldn’t resist.

Wise decision!

Now even with that superb lineup, I was a little leery. In fact, I wrote this limerick before setting unsteady foot on that ship:

I’ve never attempted a cruise,
So I’m nervous — will need lots of booze.
But I could not resist
Such a great comic list.
I need laughs to get over the news.

But I needn’t have worried. Lewis Black was his usual hilarious self, as were all the other comics. Plus we had a great time with the comedians, who mingled after-hours with the riffraff … I mean, fans.

Here’s my two-verse limerick ode to Lewis Black (I wrote it mid-cruise when Internet connection rates were roughly a gazillion bucks a minute.)

The angry old comic Lew Black
Has a mind that is quite out of whack.
So he offered a cruise
Packed with laughter and booze,
Fulfilling a deep-seated lack.

Yes, Lew had a very strong yen
For more contact with women and men:
Lots of fun-loving folks
Who’d laugh at his jokes
And then trail him till heaven knows when.

And finally, my post-return limerick:

We’re home from a comic sensation:
Lew’s Cruise, filled with laughs and elation.
There’s another next year.
(The thought makes me tear.)
Thank you, Lew. You deserve each ovation.

Oh … and just so you know, Lewis Black isn’t just a comic genius — he’s also a mensch.

Get Thee To Troilus And Cressida

Sunday, July 4th, 2010

If you enjoy Shakespeare performed beautifully in a magnificent setting, don’t miss the Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival at the Boscobel Restoration in Garrison, New York.

Troilus and Cressida opened July 3rd, and it was terrific.

We started the evening with a delightful picnic on Boscobel’s Hudson River grounds, then moved into the tent for an inventive performance of the baudy, Trojan tale.

Things got even more unusual in the Second Act, which began with a quirky, yet oddly fitting musical number. After the music, the audience members were welcomed to leave their seats temporarily, walk down to the Hudson River, and view the holiday fireworks display that was about to take place across the river at West Point.

Once the fireworks were over, we returned to our seats and the play continued. What fun!

And that brings me to my latest limerick:

Like Shakespeare performed in a tent?
Then see Troilus — it’s time quite well spent:
At the Boscobel joint—
Straight across from West Point.
Please don’t miss it — you’ll surely repent.

An Unmagical Night of Magic (Limerick)

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

As I’ve mentioned before, my husband and I recently vacationed in Las Vegas. I’ve already reviewed Cher’s show and Cirque du Soleil’s LOVE via limerick. Well, now it’s time for a far less positive review:

An Unmagical Night of Magic (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

David Copperfield’s show on the Strip—
Neither clever, nor witty, nor hip.
He acted quite bored,
Which is rather untoward.
When in Vegas, avoid him’s my tip.

Mad About LOVE

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

When I posted my Cher limerick last weekend, I promised more limerick reviews of Las Vegas shows. So here’s my love limerick to the Beatles-inspired Cirque du Soleil show LOVE.

Mad About LOVE
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Once again, I must say hip-hooray
To the wonderful Cirque du Soleil.
It’s spectacle LOVE
Is a few cuts above.
Like the Beatles? Then see it today.

While I’m on the subject of Cirque Du Soleil, hubby Mark and I saw “O,” Mystere, and Zumanity on previous trips. “O” and Mystere were great, but we both disliked Zumanity.

Limerick Ode To Cher

Sunday, May 2nd, 2010

Sorry to have been so quiet lately. I’ve been traveling — family stuff in Dallas, followed by a wonderful vacation in Las Vegas.

Here’s the first in a short series of limerick show reviews:

Limerick Ode To Cher
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The singer and actress named Cher
Looks amazingly good nearly bare.
Her singing is great.
Her show is first rate.
And costumes? Elton John should beware.

My New Policy

Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

That’s it. No more vacations!

Sounds a little extreme, I know. But strange things tend to happen when my husband and I have the nerve to travel or take time off.

No, I don’t mean canceled flights, lost luggage, or stolen passports. Nothing so mundane as that. I’m talking about incidents like:

* a drowned Toyota;
* a windshield collision with flying branches while my car is going 55 mph;
* a Mazda smashed by a tree while it’s parked and minding its own business.

Detect a pattern here?

We’ve had so many weird holiday episodes, that our insurer has created a special policy provision just for us:

Notwithstanding the aforesaid incomprehensible coverage terms, this policy shall be subject to the following limitations and exclusions, hereinafter referred to as Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause:

1. Claims for beach sand, in excess of four (4) gallons, entering automobile via sunroof, shall be subject to a $2,500 deductible.
2. Damage to fuel line by reptiles, including but not limited to alligators and crocodiles, is hereby excluded.
3. Hotel parking lot car-drowning incidents shall be subject to a “one more time and you’re canceled” cap.

Our most recent adventure took place at our weekend house. And before you get too impressed by our owning a weekend house, let me hasten to add it’s only 380 square feet. In fact, when we got it appraised for mortgage purposes, its “comparables” featured our neighbor’s garage.

Mark had spent the entire day telling me he “really, really, really should plant the flowers” — those very flowers that were waiting patiently in our Mazda, hoping against hope that the fellow who bought them the previous day would eventually recall that occasional sunlight is somewhat better than a hot, dark trunk.

Knowing better than to meddle in Mark’s planting activities — or lack thereof — I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have to. I already knew the answer: “I don’t want your help. Go away.”

Besides, I had complete faith that at some point before the plants died, Mark would remember that replacements cost money and he’d unload the car and begin digging and uprooting our resident worms. I also knew this would occur just as the last vestiges of sunlight said goodbye. (“Anyone can plant by daylight. Where’s the challenge in that?”)

Mark didn’t disappoint me. He cracked open the car trunk at 8 p.m. and finished around 10. He even did it without the sort of event that might trigger an insurance claim.

And then it happened: Just as Mark was walking up the driveway toward our refuse cans (in an aberrational instance of his actually taking out the garbage), he heard an unfamiliar noise. And thank heavens he did. Because the sound made him stop in his tracks, just as a huge tree limb came barreling down across our driveway, striking our car and our garbage cans but miraculously sparing Mark.

Mark naturally took this as a sign from God: “Thou shalt never again take out the garbage.”

We spent the rest of the night celebrating Mark’s survival. And devoted the next day to tree-limb removal, car-repair estimates, and insurance negotiations.

Needless to say, Madkane’s Oddball Vacation Incident Exclusion clause is longer than ever.

Ode To JetBlue

Friday, April 10th, 2009

We’re back from a wonderful vacation in Las Vegas. So I thought I’d celebrate our thirteen hour return-flight delay with a limerick:

Ode To JetBlue
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear JetBlue, you’re just great when you fly.
But your canceling rate — my oh my!
Fully half of my flights
Never tried to reach heights.
A mere drizzle? Your schedule’s awry.

Vacation Verse (Limerick & Haiku Prompt — through July 31st)

Monday, July 21st, 2008

Sorry for the delay, but though my cast is finally off, I’m still having wrist problems.

Today’s limerick, haiku, and senryu theme is vacations. First, my limerick, which was inspired by my husband Mark:

Vacation Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband is swimming outdoors.
I expect he’ll be back when it pours,
Which it threatens to do
Ev’ry day, so he’s blue.
Yes, vacations are rain guarantors.

And now my haiku (senryu):

I’m on vacation,
Yet here I am writing verse.
Give it a rest, brain.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about vacations. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have until August 1st to post it.

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants

1. Noah
2. Noah
3. Granny Smith
4. Bev
5. Bev
6. Shark Girl
7. Michelle
8. Linda – Nickers and Ink
9. The Mane Point
10. Beaman’s World
11. MomCat
12. Random Short Stories
13. Mrs. Brownstone @ XBOX Wife

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your vacation-related verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Tripped Up By Traveling

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

Tripped Up By Traveling
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s outrageous, a rip-off, a gyp
What we paid for that terrible trip.
And to make matters worse,
I lost baggage and purse.
I believe they went down with the ship.

Note: This was inspired by two prompts: rip and outrageous.  And speaking of poetry prompts, there’s still plenty of time to participate in my latest limerick and haiku prompt, whose theme is temper.

Planning To Travel With Friends? Are You Sure That’s Wise?

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

Years ago I wrote a humorous joint travel contract for the Philadelphia Inquirer. I’ve been meaning to post it on this blog, but I keep forgetting. And Sunday Scribblings’ post about fellow travelers has prompted me to finally do it: 

Revel With A Clause
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Your closest friends keep badgering you to join them on a trip. You’re running out of excuses and may be forced to go along. Can friendship survive seven days of constant contact? Will you loathe each other by the time you return?

Joint vacations can be a challenge to any relationship. But with patience, a sense of humor and the help of this agreement, you can take that trip and keep your friendship intact.

AGREEMENT entered into this __________, 20__ by two close couples who would like to remain friends.

WHEREAS, Couples A and B are about to embark on a shared vacation;

WHEREAS, Couple B would rather stay home, but has agreed to give this trip a try;

WHEREAS, Couples want to work out ground rules so their friendship won’t self-destruct.

NOW, THEREFORE, Couples agree to the following vacation terms:

1. The trip shall commence on a date determined after consulting Couples’ children, employers, and baby-sitters. It shall not involve backpacks or a tent.

2. Once a date has been chosen, Couples shall enter into vacation spot negotiations. The following factors shall be duly considered in the course of site selection:

(a.) Wife A burns if she glances out a window.

(b.) Wife B loves to sprawl out on the beach.

(c.) Husband A considers himself an art aficionado.

(d.) Husband B admires prints of large-eyed tots. … (Revel With A Clause is continued here.)

Can’t Contain My Disdain For Luggage Rules

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

It’s hard to believe, but snow globes (even tiny ones) are a carry-on baggage no-no. I’m not kidding — an  airline luggage inspector actually seized our miniscule Vegas memento. Why?  It seems that bomb-makers can do something really, really scary with the fraction-of-an-ounce of water contained in an eight-dollar snow globe.

And that brings me to my latest haiku:

Seizing your snow globe
For being an airline threat
Doesn’t hold water.

(You can find more of my travel and vacation humor here, and more container haiku here.)

Airing My Airline Gripes

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007

Airing My Airline Gripes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

To travel by plane was once pleasant,
But flying’s horrific at present.
And that pre-flight routine—
Those airlines must mean
To make everyone feel like a peasant. 

(My travel humor is archived here.)

Surmounting Marriage

Tuesday, February 13th, 2007

Surmounting Marriage
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Before agreeing to marry my husband Mark, I asked him the usual questions:

  1. Do you know what a hamper is and have you ever actually used one?
  2. Do you spend weekends sprawled in front of a sports-spewing screen, devouring couch potato chips?
  3. Are your parents likely to drive me to drink?

Mark told the appropriate fibs, I pretended to believe him, and several months later we wed. But soon after the wedding, I realized I’d forgotten to ask the most important question of all: When you see a mountain, do you get an irresistible urge to do something stupid?  (Surmounting Marriage is continued here.)

False Alarm

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

My husband Mark and I have a weekend hideaway, a respite from the pace of New York City life. Our country haven is smaller than most; it was once optimistically measured at 400 square feet. In fact, it’s so petite that the very act of staying there more than a day without a single quarrel is persuasive proof of a sound relationship.

On a recent weekend there we were happily hiding out, luxuriating in nature, listening to the birds, and breathing in the fragrant non-New York City air. Suddenly, we were assaulted by a distinctly unpacific sound. No, not sundry talking heads screaming about Iraq. It was even worse than that. … (False Alarm is continued here.)

How To Plan A Trip (Humorous How-To)

Thursday, September 14th, 2006

A weekend trip is a splendid way to replenish your energy and deplete your bank account. In theory, such journeys should be preceded by thorough research, careful planning, and intense negotiations with your mate. Sounds a lot like work, right? Which is why so many vacations go something like this:

(1). Become increasingly exhausted and overwrought. Bicker with spouse over nonsense. Make up, bicker some more, and decide you both need a vacation. Agree to plan a trip for just the two of you real soon. Fall asleep fantasizing about a work/child/pressure-free orgy of self-indulgence.

(2). Repeat Step (1) many times during the next few months. Repeat it several times more … leaving out the sleep part. (How To Plan A Trip is continued here.)

Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

Planning a vacation can often be a daunting challenge. Especially when one spouse likes to rough it and the other prefers luxuries like toilets, showers, and cable TV. So what’s a couple to do? Well, they can take separate trips. Or they can negotiate and sign on the dotted line.

AGREEMENT, entered into this _________, 20__ by Husband and Wife.

WHEREAS, Husband’s ideal vacation requires hiking boots, compasses, sleeping bags, and knapsacks and doesn’t cost a dime;

WHEREAS, Wife’s ideal vacation requires a five star resort;

WHEREAS, Husband is a spontaneous kind of guy who likes to pick his trips by throwing a coin onto a trail map; … (Taking A Vacation On The Contract Plan is continued here.)