Archive for August, 2016

Beach Day (Limerick)

Tuesday, August 30th, 2016

Lying down on the sand to get tanned
Is a pastime I NEVER have planned.
And my swim skills are grim,
Way too hard on my vim.
But long walks on non-beach-land are grand.

Happy National Beach Day! (Aug. 30)

Limerick Ode To Toilet Paper Day

Saturday, August 27th, 2016

For folks in a tight money squeeze,
Don’t raise the bath tissue price, please.
Though it’s paper-made true,
This factor I rue:
Bathroom tissue does NOT grow on trees.

A belated National Toilet Paper Day. (Aug. 26)

Pat Parental Retorts (Limerick)

Saturday, August 27th, 2016

Parents dish out some phrases with glee:
“Just because!” “Cuz I said so!” “We’ll see!”
“Till you pay your own way,
You must do what I say!”
“Do you think money grows on a tree?”

Happy “Just Because Day!” (Aug. 27)

Help! It’s Sean Connery Day! (Limerick)

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

Help! It’s Sean Connery Day!

Sean Connery’s speech drives me mad
Cuz his diction is fiendishly bad.
Yet he’s worshipped, adored;
Fervid film buffs, un-Moored,
Won’t shush up their Sean-mimicry fad.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SACK at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Sunday, August 21st, 2016

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SACK at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to HEAT, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best HEAT-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 4, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 3, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A gal in the mood for a snack
Was tempted to purchase a sack
Filled with pretzels and chips,
Which would go to her hips.
How she wished it would go to her rack.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (259)

Sunday, August 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his “Poe Signs The Pledge” limerick:

To drown all his sorrows, he’d pour
Endless whiskies, and mourn his Lenore.
But the night that he heard
A chimerical bird,
He swore off the booze. “Nevermore!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GRASS-Themed Limerick Award for his “Elizabethan’s Lament” limerick:

Forsooth! ’Tis a place in the grass
Fit for carnal acts, tender or crass.
But alas and alack!
One thing holdeth me back:
The part that I lack is a lass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Charley Simmons, Ken Gosse, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and Marty Gerendasy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (““POOR/POUR/PORE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

It’s Summer Olympics once more;
Canadians’ teardrops will pour.
But when medals are missed
“That’s okay,” we’ll insist,
And proudly claim: “We’re Number Four!”

Will T. Laughlin:

What a day to be wed at the shore!
Bright sun, and the ocean’s low roar!
There I stood, all deluxe
In my nice rental tux –
And that’s when it started to pour.

Charley Simmons:

“In bed you’re a terrible bore,”
She said, as she showed him the door.
“Please leave me at once
You despicable dunce,
Or I’ll donate your clothes to the poor.”

Ken Gosse:

The vintner had bad wine galore,
So he poured it all out on the floor.
But his brother-in-law
Laid his wide-open maw
On the spot on the floor where he’d pour.

Brian Allgar:

Her grades were excessively poor,
So she knocked on her teacher’s front door.
“Can you help with my grade?”
An arrangement was made;
Now they’re both very happy to score.

Fred Bortz:

Amendment nineteen folks will roar,
Making Donald J. Trump’s chances poor.
He’s a bully-boy fraud
So the women, by God,
Will show him the way to the door.

Tim James:

He tried to engage in amour,
But his sense of direction was poor.
When he started to pound
He got all turned around.
So his entry was by the back door.

This fellow whose aim was so poor
Was the Thunder God known in Norse lore.
And the lady? A wisp
With a cute little lisp.
Now thith gal, like her partner, ith Thor.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRASS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

If you spend too much time at your desk, you
Need a hobby to come to your rescue.
Think how long you will spend
On your flaccid rear end
Once they’ve planted you under the fescue!

Marty Gerendasy:

There once lived a lovely young lass
Who was fond of a roll in the grass.
She would “play” on the lawn
From late night until dawn.
And when finished, she’d go straight to Mass.

Tim James:

I’m a homeowner. Cutting the grass
Is a chore that’s a pain in the ass.
Says my wife, who’s the boss,
“Tear it out! Put in moss!
It’s still green; from the street it’ll pass!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To The Elephant

Friday, August 12th, 2016

When I miss a big day, I’ve regrets,
And I’m tempted to spew epithets.
Nearly failed to relay
It’s “World Elephant Day,”
But an elephant never forgets.

Lazy Limerick

Wednesday, August 10th, 2016

An employee asleep at the switch
Created a dangerous glitch.
The lazy-ass slob
Fell down on the job.
It seems working just isn’t his niche.

Happy National Lazy Day!

Limerick Ode To The Lion

Wednesday, August 10th, 2016

It’s Lion Day. Give a big roar!
Categorical praise is in store
For the king of the jungle.
And kindly don’t bungle
This message: Show hunters the door.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: Poor or Pour or Pore at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, August 6th, 2016

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using Poor or Pour or Pore at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GRASS, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best grass-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on August 21, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, August 20, 2016 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A barber was itching to score
Some tickets for Hair — needed four.
’Twas a popular show,
So a likely no-go;
Scalpers rendered his purchase odds poor.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award Winner (258)

Saturday, August 6th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Mrs. Frankenstein, lissome and lean,
Had as perfect a bod as I’ve seen.
Husband Vic, from the start,
Took her hand, stole her heart,
And her liver, both lungs, and her spleen.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BOREDOM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

To stave off his feelings of boredom,
He thought he would sample some whoredom.
The call-girls looked nice,
But on learning their price,
He found that he couldn’t afford ’em.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) J Cosmo Newbery, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Dave Johnson, Val Fish, Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, David Reddekopp, Grzegorz Gigol,
Ian Graham, Fred Bortz, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LEAN/LIEN” RHYME DIVISION)

J Cosmo Newbery:

A man who’d developed a lean,
Put the blame on some lousy cuisine.
But his breakfast was fine,
And his dinner, benign—
It was all of the drinks in between.

Brian Allgar:

I showed her my new trampoline.
“Shall we give it a spin?” She was keen,
But I’m hereby renouncing
A blowjob while bouncing –
The reason, I’m sure you can glean.

Marty Gerendasy:

A young poet whose name was Marlene,
Said “I don’t like a verse that’s obscene.
But if I just suggest,
You can fill in the rest,
And then you can decide what I mean!”

Dave Johnson:

The actors are healthy and lean
In ev’ry McDonald’s ad scene.
Big profits they’d blow
If they were to show
Real fans of their fast-food cuisine.

Val Fish:

The wife, she’s as thin as a bean.
Her sister, not nearly so lean.
For a nice piece of rump,
It’s ‘big sis’ that I’d hump.
Such a shame that she’s only fifteen.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOREDOM-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

“Oh Mummy, school’s out, what a bore!”
“I’ll fix THAT! Now you each get a chore:
Dust and vacuum, do dishes,
Clean rooms, feed the fishes!”
They never complain anymore.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A fisherman caught a big trout,
Which he wouldn’t stop talking about;
So year after year
He bored ev’ryone near
Till, in tears, his wife fin’ly moved out.

David Reddekopp for his Acrostic Limerick:

I’m lazy; it’s rather overt.
No energy will I exert.
Essentially, null.
Relaxed, but it’s dull
To sit here, in essence, inert.

Brian Allgar:

The girl was convinced she had scored
With a hunk, but her needs were ignored.
Though he stayed the whole night,
There was no sex in sight;
She didn’t get drilled, only bored.

Grzegorz Gigol:

U.S. people ooze love by the fother,
And say ev’ryone there is their brother.
But when bored, they resort
To their national sport,
Which is going and suing each other.

Ian Graham:

I once struck a most happy medium
At a séance both dull and quite seedy. Um,
Just after my slap he
Was rather less happy,
But it did help to lessen the tedium.

Fred Bortz:

Jack yawns. “I think soccer is boring.
I prefer to watch games with more scoring.”
Still Jill feels a thrill
When the tally’s nil-nil,
While beside her, her boyfriend is snoring.

Tim James:

A farmer who’d gotten quite bored
With his job struck the following chord:
“I raise squash every year.
It’s increasingly clear
I’m about to go out of my gourd!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!