It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.
Congratulations to BOB KILLIAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:
POST NO BILLS was the sign I found queer;
I was mailing no beaks, that was clear.
Said the cop, “Understand,
It’s your gluepot that’s banned,
This here ad’s what you cannot add here.”
Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Temptation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:
“The casino,” she said, “will be fun;
I could just play one round and be done…”
And she won — thirty grand! —
But lost all, the next hand.
That’s temptation. You can’t stop at “won.”
Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”
On a tour of St. Peter’s in Rome,
Van Gogh told the guide in the Dome:
“Roman friend, I can’t hear;
Could you lend me your ear?
I seem to have left mine at home.”
And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Ryan Tilley, Jesse Frankovich, Richard Campbell, Byron Ives, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:
HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TEMPTATION LIMERICKS)
With a wink and a smile, he said “Dear,
Don’t be nervous, come on over here.”
He was one of those guys
Gals avoid if they’re wise,
’Cause that sweet smile was really a leer.
Judith H. Block:
There once was a guy without peer,
Who drove his gal wild, so I hear.
With his tongue, very skilled,
All her needs were fulfilled.
And I don’t mean he tickled her ear.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAR/HERE/ADHERE” RHYME DIVISION)
“What’s a lim’rick?” I asked, not quite clear
On the form or its rules. ’Twould appear
It’s a verse of five lines
Wrought by dark, twisted minds —
Which I’ve gathered by hanging out here.
A healer I saw on TV
Could heal by a simple decree.
He’s a man without peer,
He would make the blind hear,
And would also cause deaf men to see.
Dave Johnson’s “FOX News internal memo”
You ladies have nothing to fear;
O’Reilly is no longer here.
Now Roger and Bill
Have been fired, but still –
Looking sexy will help your career.
Will T. Laughlin:
He stared at the sign. YOU ARE HERE,
Said the map.
Then he started in fear,
As the words by the dot
Changed to: NO, YOU ARE NOT.
Not a soul saw the man disappear.
This cling film* is useless, I fear.
It will stick to itself, that is clear;
To my fingers it’s glued,
But to plates full of food
The stuff simply will not adhere.
*British term for plastic wrap
My Alexa is finally here.
She can answer my questions with cheer,
And her limericks bite
With a meter that’s tight,
But I use her to order a beer!
Richard’s doctor, quite shocked, said, “Oh, dear!
There’s a burrowing rodent in here!
And to make matters worse,
It won’t move in reverse.
Seems the gerbil is stuck in this Gere.”
Being president’s hard, it’s now clear,
And Trump yearns for his former career.
Our Dear Leader’s a mope.
But at least there’s some hope:
After one hundred days … we’re still here.
HONORABLE MENTIONS (TEMPTATION LIMERICK DIVISION)
Will T. Laughlin:
“Eat this apple,” encouraged the Snake;
“It’s a boring Commandment to break,
But believe me, my dears —
In a few thousand years,
You’ll be sinning with chocolate cake!”
St. Augustine started to pray
When he saw a fine babe on display.
“Fornication’s a sin;
But that bod, for the win!
Make me chaste, Lord — just, please, not today.”
Her assets were clearly defined,
And to miss them I’d have to be blind.
“Could I tempt you, my pet?
A night NOT to forget?”
The Mace was a clue she’d declined.
Will T. Laughlin:
I want to — but really, I shouldn’t.
I oughtn’t. Believe me, I wouldn’t.
I mustn’t. I can’t;
No, I certainly shan’t…
(I just did it). How could I? I couldn’t.
She flashed ample cleavage to Keith,
And he longed for what beckoned beneath.
Then a look from his wife
Convinced him that life
Would remain much more pleasant with teeth.
There once was a quiet young birder,
Who snapped and she shot and they heard her;
From her head to her toes
Came the pecking of crows.
She should not have, uh, tempted a murder.
A rancher’s hot daughter from Brewster
Was swayed when a cowboy seduced her.
They rolled in the hay,
Then he went on his way;
The only cock left was a rooster.
Please don’t leadeth me into temptation.
I can findeth it, don’t need salvation.
I’ve been given false hope
From the priest to the pope
For as long as they grope God’s creation.
So I think I can cope with “damnation”
Just for living a life of elation.
Since the days of my youth
I have searched, found the truth
With the fire of a sleuth’s dedication.
Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.
In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!