Posts Tagged ‘Craig Dykstra’

Limerick-Off Award (269)

Sunday, January 22nd, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JESSE LEVY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A broom and his buddy, a mop
Decided that all crime should stop.
The broom did quite well;
Swept out felons pell mell.
But the mop was a flop as a cop.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special BLUES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My whole life, fate has thrown me the screws.
All that helps now is drugs, broads, and booze.
Don’t get up before noon;
Drift saloon to saloon.
I sure got me them old 12-bar blues.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David Reddekopp, Suzanne Heymann, Craig Dykstra, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Sue Dulley, Tim James, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COP” RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a frisky old fop.
For a whore he decided to shop.
So this horny old heel
First tried copping a feel,
’Til he found he was feeling a cop.

Suzanne Heymann:

She thought a low neck line was hotter
If, when speeding, police finally caught her.
Sure enough, soon a cop
Made her zooming car stop,
But what made this a flop – she’s his daughter!

Craig Dykstra:

Wrote a verse that I think coulda won it,
But immediately after I’d run it,
Mad the “Limerick Cop”
Said my rhyme was a flop
Just ’cause someone had already done it!

Konrad Schwoerke:

While selling my lucrative crop,
A policeman enjoined me to stop.
“Sure, I know it’s legit,
But you soon won’t have shit,
And I must be off duty to cop.”

Dave Johnson:

If I were a history cop,
I’d hold up my hand and yell “Stop!”
We’re about to embark
On a horrible lark,
With a carnival huckster on top.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BLUES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

A limerick’s not like the Blues.
No, a limerick’s not… I can’t use
The same words for line two
As line one. If I do,
It’s a ruse Mad won’t choose to excuse.

Suzanne Heymann:

If music’s a hobby you choose,
Stay on key and please lay off the booze!
But if you keep on flinging
Bad notes, I’ll be bringing
You pain till you’re singing the blues.

Tim James:

If you suffer sometimes from the blues
Don’t try drugs, promiscuity, booze.
Take a tip from my wife:
For those low points in life,
Nothing helps like a new pair of shoes.

Brian Allgar:

The Republicans used to be blue
And the Democrats red. So what’s new?
With the Democrats dead
And Republicans red,
We are all feeling blue through and through.

Tim James, for his Acrostic Limerick:

On Election Day, many were blue.
But take comfort, for this is what’s true:
Although Donald’s an ass,
Mr. O’s act is class
And he’s shown what a good man can do.

Konrad Schwoerke:

The work is depressing at zoos,
So I often go home with the blues.
And it’s getting more bleak,
For example, last week,
We received really terrible gnus.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (268)

Sunday, January 8th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“The hypotenuse,” he would opine,
“Should connect to each right-angled line.”
My geometry prof
Would proceed to go off
On a tangent of cosine and sine.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Resolution-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’d resolved not to vote for a chump;
Now we’re cursed with one Donald J. Trump.
So I need a new pledge;
If I’m close to a ledge,
Resist the temptation to jump.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Craig Dykstra, David Reddekopp, Sue Dulley, Diane Groothuis, Suzanne Heymann, Marty Gerendasy, and Wendy Playter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGN” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Is it love that is making her whine?
Can her soft, pleading gaze be a sign
Of unfailing devotion?
No, I have a notion
My dog is impatient to dine.

Craig Dykstra:

I really don’t mean to malign,
But our logo’s a crappy design.
Legibility’s wanting
From poor choice of fonting –
I fear it’s the Times of our Sign.

David Reddekopp:

A pious man drove by a field,
Looked up and to God he appealed;
He beseeched the divine
To send him a sign,
And he saw one. It told him to yield.

Sue Dulley:

Some quilts I design I will sign
On the back, but the choice there is mine.
I will not write my name
So I don’t get the blame
If the quilt turns out lame (like this line.)

Diane Groothuis:

An architect went out to dine,
In hopes that his client would sign.
But his plan was rejected
In mode unexpected;
“Your erection just can’t equal mine.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RESOLUTIONS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

“Resolutions – be more like your brother!”
Blurts my bossy, but well-meaning mother.
She can scream, she can shout,
But it does, without doubt,
Go in one year and then out the other.

Marty Gerendasy:

Resolutions, both written and spoken
All too often turn out to be token.
Though our thoughts are sincere,
All our plans disappear.
Resolutions were meant to be broken!

Wendy Playter:

When last year had started anew,
I listed what I’d like to do:
Make twice as much cash,
And lose my fat stash.
But sadly, I mixed up the two.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (246)

Sunday, February 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

She was pregnant, she knew for a fact,
But insisted that she was ‘intact.’
Though her story was lame –
“Well, this angel, like, came” –
A religion was born from her act.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the WINTER-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

To avoid winter cold and its strife,
I moved south to a warm, sunny life.
But I still must beware
Of the chill in the air
From the cold, icy stare of my wife.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this poignant limerick, which he wrote in memory of our good friend and witty limerick writer Johanna Richmond:

The earth is still somehow intact.
There’s still gravity, nothing has cracked.
But some of us here
Have just lost a friend dear,
And I had to acknowledge that fact.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis LaVietes, Shannon Tucker, Fred Bortz, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TACT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO WINTER LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

It’s a true inescapable fact
That this snow can be easily packed
And then rolled into balls
Shortly after it falls,
So watch out or you may be attacked!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TACT” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said Trump, “I will win. It’s a fact.
Those clowns? They’re my opening act.
These morons — these twits
Lack my charm, and my wits,
And my classiest attribute: TACT.”

Phyllis LaVietes:

Seismologists skillfully tracked
A seven point nine, and attacked
The oil guys for making
That quaking and shaking.
The earth cracked; the fact was, they fracked.

Shannon Tucker:

Quite suddenly faced with the fact
That their vows were no longer intact,
She called her attorney
And then for a gurney:
They wheeled out his balls, which were sacked!

Fred Bortz:

Some folks clearly welcomed the fact
That SCOTUS quite suddenly lacked
Justice Nino Scalia.
They sneered, “Hope to see ya
In Lucifer’s realm.” (They’ve no tact.)

Robert Schechter:

It is hard to express this with tact:
There’s a fart that was recently cracked,
And I fear from its smell
That there’s something unwell
With your gastrointestinal tract.

Brian Allgar:

He reported with truth and with tact,
And he didn’t know why he’d been sacked
From Fox News. “We need guys,”
Said his boss, “Who tell lies –
There’s no place in our program for fact.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A timber town out in the hinters
Needs someplace to warm up its winters.
But a strip club has found
Where loggers abound,
Lap dancers have issues with splinters.

Marty Gerendasy:

Sidewalks covered with ice and with snow
And a wind chill of twenty below
It was too much for me
I decided to flee
Would I ever go back there? Hell no!

Kirk Miller:

In the winter, I went on a trip
With psychiatrists skiing. I’d quip
At the end of each day.
To my wife, I would say
That I saw many Freudians slip.

David Reddekopp:

For a treat I decided to go.
To the vendor I shelled out the dough.
Now I wish I had known
That my yellow snow cone
Had been made out of real yellow snow.

Will T. Laughlin’s 3-verse THE NYMPHOMANIAC IN WINTER:

The snow-scape is tranquil and bright.
Inside, though, I’m having to fight
Not to giggle and snort
When the weather report
Says, “We got seven inches last night!”

And likewise, I cannot be proud
Of the fact that I chuckle aloud
When I hear that the guy
In the truck passing by
Is shouting: “Hey — wanna get plowed?”

My answer? You already know it –
And I’m just the woman to crow it:
Pretending to ponder
My snow-blower yonder,
I ask him, “Why don’t I just … blow it?!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (192)

Sunday, December 7th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

At work, I’m surrounded by brains.
With an ardor that none of them feigns,
They read Einstein and Bohr,
Stephen Hawking and more,
Whereas my speed is more Dick and Jane’s.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Robert Schechter, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Craig Dykstra, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A zombie who eats people’s brains
Makes sure they are not mixed with grains.
He may be undead,
But he still can’t eat bread,
So a gluten-free guy he remains.

Robert Schechter:

A fellow with plenty of brains,
Economist John Maynard Keynes,
Famously said
‘In the long run we’re dead,’
So be glad that the short run remains.

Brian Allgar:

Today, I am using my brains
Elsewhere than on rhymes and refrains,
For although it’s not funny,
The “day job” makes money,
Which cannot be said of Mad Kane’s.

Tim James:

A man who was more brawn than brains,
To “improve” his appearance took pains
To remove all his hair
As his weight he would pare.
To sum up, then: he waxes and wanes.

Sue Dulley:

If athletes donated their brains
Concussion research could make gains,
So when you depart
Please hand over your heart
And those other remaining remains.

Craig Dykstra:

I’ve been missin’ a gal who’s got brains
‘Cause her head’s filled with clever quatrains,
Also lovely haiku
Plus a lim’rick or two.
Whose brains you say? Madeleine Kane’s!

Konrad Schwoerke:

I get sick when I eat someone’s brains.
Though I puke, all their knowledge remains.
I make billions of dollars
From munching on scholars;
So what if they’re ill-gotten gains?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (161)

Saturday, April 26th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUE DULLEY, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

With manners polite and restrained
Victoria’s household was trained.
At twenty past three
Someone else served her tea —
The Queen never poured when she reigned.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Holiday-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s Easter. We’ve run out of money;
Our rabbit’s regarding us funny.
We can’t afford lamb,
And we’ve finished the spam —
She suspects she’ll become roasted bunny.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“You are guilty of meter that’s strained,
And of puns that are terribly pained.
You’ll be struck twenty times
For your crimes against rhymes;
Please step forth to be Madeleine-caned.”

Congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Holiday Limerick Division” (in random order) Fred Bortz, Will T. Laughlin, and Steve Krodman a/k/a Elisson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

After one week of matzah, he strained
To egest all the stuff that remained.
The whole town heard him howl
From the pain in his bowel.
Alas, he’d from prune juice refrained.

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the rabbi, “Commandment from heaven
Says you have to get rid of your leaven
By Nissan 14.”
What on earth could he mean?
I drive a Toyota 07!

Steve Krodman

Now it’s Pesach. The thing that I dread
Comes from all that damned unleavened bread.
For whenever I eat,
It sets up like concrete,
And I spend all my time in the head.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners in the “Strained Limerick Division” (in random order) Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Chris Doyle, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

They asked why my Dad’s been restrained
From approaching Bill Gates. I explained
That his eyes become crazed,
Turning glassy and glazed —
At the mention of ‘Windows’, he’s pained.

Robert Schechter:

If Clinton had been more restrained,
If before he was done he’d refrained,
Both Monica’s dress
And his good name, I guess,
Would have come through the scandal unstained.

Chris Doyle:

All of Denmark’s top quad sculls have strained
Through long workouts and tirelessly trained
For the national race,
Which — let’s cut to the chase —
Makes first place for one crew four-oar-Daned.

Tim James:

A woman had struggled and strained
To keep her young beau entertained.
With all of that sexing
She found something vexing:
Who suspected that *that* could get sprained?

Konrad Schwoerke:

When Mark’s bawdiness can’t be restrained,
Does dear Mad feel her contest’s profaned?
Does her presence of mind
Turn to anger that’s blind?
And if so, does dear Mad have Mark Kaned?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (154)

Sunday, March 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In a fleece, back and forth, the wolf paced,
Sneaking up on some prey which he chased.
He tried ewe, he tried ram,
Finally captured a lamb,
Which he then took the thyme to lamb baste.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Their first date had been rather fast-paced
‘Til she slapped him, and ended his haste.
She explained, “There’s a good
Chance you misunderstood
When I said I prefer to be chaste.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

If the LGBT are outpaced
And these homophobe laws are embraced
We’ll look back and exclaim
“Where were we when they came
And our rights, one by one, were erased?”

***

I’ve a friend, or I had one, of late.
Things between us are not all that great.
He greets anti-gay laws
With a quiet applause,
Though their logic he never can state.

It’s the bible he says in the end,
A position he cannot defend.
If we legislate ‘sin,’
Tell me where to begin.
Did you know that it’s sinful to lend?

If your haircut is shaped by a bowl,
If your mare and your ass have a foal,
If you eat crab or pork,
Or you live in New York,
‘bomination will be on your soul.

So I say to my friend, not in haste,
“Even though you think ‘gays’ are debased,
It’s hypocrisy’s height
To deny them their right,
For not one of us truly is chaste.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Scott Crowder, and Robert Schechter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

Old photos in albums I paste–
Here’s Grandma, with wasp-worthy waist.
She must be nineteen
(In inches, I mean)
Back then, just as later, strait-laced.

Chris Doyle:

“One, two, three…,” Noah says making paste
With tomatoes, so none go to waste
In his homemade ragout,
Which some cheer and some boo
‘Cause there’s just Noah counting for taste.

Steve Whitred:

The filly “My Father Eats Paste”
Never won, never showed, never placed
Whereas horse number 2
“I Don’t Want To Be Glue”
Is a winner whenever she’s raced.

Brian Allgar:

A woman whose life was fast-paced,
Made some soup that was lacking in taste.
“Forget it!” she yelped.
“Some herbs might have helped,
But I really have no thyme to waste.”

Scott Crowder:

A woman whose life was fast-paced,
And hadn’t the time to be chased,
Was keen on a man,
She called Steely Dan,
Whose batteries could be replaced.

Robert Schechter:

I brush all my teeth with a paste
That’s infused with a fresh minty taste.
It makes a nice foam!
But since Charleston’s my home
I must rinse with industrial waste.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (149)

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A bibbed patron sat eating deep-fried;
Battered chicken was piled high and wide.
I said, “Gawd, are you big,
You Falstaffian pig!”
(My remark was, of course, an aside.)

Congratulations to Scott Crowder and Craig Dykstra, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Scott Crowder:

A man who liked food that was fried,
In time became so thick and wide,
That according to lore,
When he went to the shore,
He would have an effect on the tide.

Craig Dykstra:

This new gal gets my head kinda fried.
Every time I want sex, I’m denied!
You would think it would suck
That she don’t like to … you know …
But she’ll happily swallow my pride.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Yt cai, Jesse Levy, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

In my youth I’d eat anything fried;
It’s disgusting, the stuff that I tried.
Cookies, Twinkies, and dough
Mixed with cola … God no…
Those are mem’ries I’ve tried to elide.

Yt cai:

A seamstress’s nerves were all fried
From dealing with one kinky bride.
She finished the dress
Under utmost duress
As the patron was fit to be tied.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow was totally fried.
He jumped off a building’s top side.
But he was still tripping
Through gravity’s gripping.
His last words were: “Look, Ma. I flied!”

Jon Gearhart (whose limerick is an acrostic):

A woman shunned food that was fried
Precisely because she has tried
Reducing the rise
In her increasing size.
Look left and her name I’ve supplied.

Tim James:

Those White Castle burgers are fried
‘Til the grease is all soaked through inside.
Those “sliders” incense me.
Good taste, though, prevents me
From saying just where ’tis they slide.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (148)

Sunday, January 19th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bob Dvorak, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was warned in advance
That she’d had every guy wearing pants.
“Sounds like my kind of quest,
This Community Chest.”
He got dressed, leaving nothing to Chance.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An author’s substantial advance
For a book on carnivorous plants
Alas led him to doom
When consumed by a bloom.
All they found was a shoe and his pants.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Steve Whitred, Craig Dykstra, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sallie McKenna, Jamie Hutchinson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

In Eden the way to advance
Was surely not just happenstance.
For Adam, his brief
Was a tiny fig leaf.
The man of the house wore the plants.

Steve Whitred:

Her sensual, sultry advance
And her walk, which was more like a dance,
The soft light on her hair
All gave wings to my care
That a package was there in her pants.

Craig Dykstra:

Vegetarians learn in advance
All those “don’t eat the animals” rants.
But I don’t avoid meat
‘Cause I like things with feet –
No, it’s just that I LOVE killing plants!

Byron Miller:

I rebuffed a flirtatious advance
From a wraith at a séance in France.
I could see through her clearly:
She did not love me dearly–
We hadn’t a ghost of a chance.

Sallie McKenna:

A fellow was warned in advance
To be sober when placing his plants;
He ignored what they said,
Then when sodding his bed,
Face-planted, his balance askance.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A waltzer turned down the advance
Of a fellow in tight-fitting pants:
“The place is so packed,”
She observed with great tact,
“We don’t have enough ballroom to dance.”

Tim James:

A gal lost a tidy advance
From some monks at an abbey in France
To compose something choral.
She couldn’t. The moral:
Don’t compete when you know you’ve no chants.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (142)

Sunday, December 1st, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to John Lawrence Ramos, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A colonial thief took a fall
When caught with a big sphagnum haul.
He was trying to clear
A large debt to Revere.
In short, he robbed peat to pay Paul.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

On a dark, dreary midnight one fall,
He awoke to a scavenger’s call.
But wouldn’t you know it,
That second-rate poet
Never heard, “Nevermore!” Not at all!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, John Lawrence Ramos, Will T. Laughlin, Chris Doyle, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

I’ve been seeing this girl since last fall.
In the bedroom, she sure does it all!
I’m one testicle shy
But I still can’t deny
That this gal is the Belle of the Ball.

John Lawrence Ramos:

A progressive young man took a fall
When he tripped on a curb at the mall.
He felt like a cad,
For he hated to add
To the problem of more urban sprawl.

Will T. Laughlin:

The Knowledge that came from the Fall
Was not what’s reported at all.
‘Twasn’t Evil and Good;
Rather, both understood
Adam’s penis was laughably small.

Chris Doyle:

A great deli has had a great fall,
Serving meats now that truly appall.
Their pastrami, paté,
And corned beef all dismay.
And their wurst? It’s the worst of them all!

Craig Dykstra:

When the debutante took a bad fall,
The resulting unladylike sprawl
Made it clear in a flash
That the “belle” of that bash
Wasn’t even a lady at all!

Will T. Laughlin:

A boy had a terrible fall –
In the fountain he fell in a sprawl
(For this is what comes
From doing one’s sums
While walking on top of a wall).

Whatever the future may bring,
We’ve now seen a marvelous thing:
I think you’ll agree
How rare it must be
For a summer to fall in the spring!

Johanna Richmond:

Submissions on holidays fall,
While you geniuses shop at the mall.
Just WATCH how I slip in
And give you a whippin’.
You can’t put a price on sheer gall.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (141)

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

If you’re tired at the wheel, I suggest
That you stop at a trooper’s behest.
And if ordered to nap,
Don’t refuse, because . . . zap!
You’ll be tased for resisting a rest.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

I know I just said, not in jest,
That I planned to give lim’ricks a rest,
But that promise won’t mute me:
I’m back! OK, shoot me—
I’m wearing my bullet-proof vest.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) John Lawrence Ramos, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Johanna Richmond, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

John Lawrence Ramos:

At the diner, a man would ingest
His romaine without pants, shirt or vest;
When the waitress looked pained,
He politely explained
He preferred his green salad undressed.

Brenda Bryant:

A woman was speaking in jest
When she said, “All my sins are confessed.”
She’d forgotten a few.
That’s what girls tend to do
When their past simply can’t pass the test.

Chris Doyle:

A beekeeper tells me in jest
That he plans, when he’s laid to his rest,
To give all that he owns
To his Queen and her drones,
Thus completing his final bee-quest.

Steve Whitred:

I once knew a girl who’d suggest
She was better in bed than the rest.
I said “Don’t mean to boast,
But I’m better than most.
We should challenge ourselves to a test!”

Johanna Richmond:

Don’t you hate it when folks say,”I jest!”
After putting your pride to the test?
Hell, “I Jest!” just won’t do
When “How was it for you?”
Is rejoined by “You looked better dressed!”

Craig:

My gal went out joggin’ but jest
Wasn’t close to approprit’ly dressed.
Guys would run along side her
As soon as they spied her—
‘Cause her top failed at keepin’ abreast.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (140)

Sunday, November 17th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ann Martin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A dad who just planned to relax
Didn’t have all the relevant facts;
When his daughter named Lizzie
Said “Dad, are you busy?”
He said, “No, dear, but why do you ax?”

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Her compliance with rules was so lax,
That Mad gave her lim’rick the ax.
With mission aborted
And craftiness thwarted,
Would syntax require a sin tax?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Chris Doyle, John Lawrence Ramos, Sue Dulley, Kevin Ahern, Will T. Laughlin, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

Seeking breast augmentation? Relax!
I give cougars like you some great stacks.
So the young men you seek
Will go weak with one peek –
And I call my shop “Oedipus Racks.”

Chris Doyle:

The far right says: “The U.S. is lax,
Letting immigrants slip through the cracks.
Line the border with moats
Filled with crocs big as boats,
And we’ll stop our Hispanic attacks!”

John Lawrence Ramos:

The neighborhood children were lax
In sidestepping boulevard cracks;
By the end of the day,
When they wrapped up their play,
They’d broken twelve mothers’ poor backs.

Sue Dulley:

Once weekly we sit and relax
With a bowlful of buttery snacks.
It is just me and thee
Watching Public TV:
Last Tango in … (wait!) Halifax.

Kevin Ahern:

Marie Antoinette was quite lax,
So the public made HER face the facts.
Her biggest mistake
Was talking of cake,
And for this, they just gave her the ax.

Will T. Laughlin:

To the concert I went, to relax;
But the orchestra’s made up of hacks.
They murdered the fragile
First bars of “Tintagel,”
So I shot ’em all in the Bax.

David Lefkovits:

The Weight Watchers CFO’s lax
In responding to shareholder FAQs.
When a fat guy complains
Of unwanted gains,
He asks: “Is that net or pretax?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (139)

Sunday, November 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman who frequently strips
In CGI video clips
Will steal all your cache,
And your hard drive will crash
From her implanted silicon chips.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A nimble ecdysiast strips,
Crosses hands as she bends at the hips,
Grabs her feet, and then hears
The topologists’ cheers
At the Möbius championships.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jamie Hutchinson, Chris Doyle, Ira Bloom, Will T. Laughlin, Craig Dykstra, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

Said a woman who frequently strips
To a man who tried fondling her nips:
“When my clothing I doff
You just keep your hands off!”
With that concept he can’t come to grips.

Jamie Hutchinson:

My bathroom needs anti-skid strips,
A safety mat, grab bars, and grips.
Gotta write down that list
Because — you get the gist —
My other head’s memory slips.

Chris Doyle:

A young nymphomaniac strips
As her therapist watches, then quips,
“See that couch over there?
Go lie down and prepare
For your very first Freudian’s lips.”

Ira Bloom:

A mohel, while pealing some strips,
During bris, is well known for his quips:
“For cheap circumcision,
There’s lots of derision.
I mostly just work for the tips.”

Will T. Laughlin:

I know of a rose bush that strips
Each night for the aphids and thrips.
You’ll say, “Will’s lost his mind;
Bushes can’t bump and grind!”
Well, rose bushes can. They’ve got hips.

Craig Dykstra:

She seeks men at the club where she strips,
To indulge her asphyxiate trips.
She says “Here’s what you do:
Grasp my throat ’til I’m blue.”
Yes, she really likes coming to grips.

David Lefkovits:

A woman who frequently strips
Was a dancer for stock market tips.
While she’d shake and she’d shimmy,
A trader named Jimmy
Would say what to buy on the dips.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (138)

Sunday, November 3rd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Ah’m a-huntin’ for deer in my truck,
But this air rifle’s brung me no luck.
Grab a shotgun instead,
Shoot a twelve-pointer dead.
Get a little more bang for my buck.

Congratulations to Bruce Niedt, who wins the Special Halloween-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“A Halloween full moon is neat,”
Thought the werewolf, “I’ll go trick-or-treat!
They’ll think it’s a mask,
So they won’t even ask–
I’ll come home with a bag full of meat!”

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

She hired Two Men And A Truck
When her marriage had run all amok.
As they set up her bed,
To the movers she said,
“Would you under the covers me…tuck?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Chris Doyle, John Ramos, Kathy El-Assal, Kirk Miller, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

The immigrant hid in a truck
And over the border he snuck,
Lured by promise of wealth
And good care for his health.
You guessed it. He’s now a Canuck.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A croc said that she’d have no truck
With a toothless old muckety-muck:
“When the waterfowl light
And the time’s right to bite
A good bull puts his rows in a duck.”

Steve Whitred:

Being born in the back of a truck
Up in Canada isn’t bad luck:
In the fall they haul hay.
In the snow, they’re our sleigh.
And in summertime that’s where we … (I’m not writing that word on Mad’s blog.)

Chris Doyle:

“Try the brownies out back in my truck.
They’re the bomb; you’ve no need for Cold Duck,”
Said the host with a wink
To a gal with a drink.
“There’s a reason this party’s potluck.”

John Ramos:

A positive thinker named Steve
Stalked his victims on All Hallows’ Eve;
“To you, it’s an ax,”
He explained between whacks,
“But to me, it’s a goal to achieve.”

Kathy El-Assal:

For Halloween, at her new school,
Should she dress as a zombie or ghoul?
A vampire, a ghost?
Or maybe just boast,
“I’m Coultergeist, Tea Party tool!”

Kirk Miller:

“Anonymous writers don’t like
The wages they’re offered,” said Mike.
“If they don’t get more green,
Then on this Halloween
The ghost writers threaten to strike.”

Craig Dykstra:

I got cookies from guys dressed like genies,
And some Snickers® from girls in bikinis.
But I didn’t want food
From that politics dude–
Carlos Danger was handing out weenies.

Kirk Miller:

I’m spreading the Halloween news
Concerning which party to choose.
Mine’s bound to be dandy
With free food and candy,
But people should bring their own boos.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (137)

Sunday, October 27th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Said a butcher in France slicing ham
For a woman: “I’ll throw in some lamb
And pastrami for free
If with me you agree
To play hide the salami, madame.”

And congratulations to Chris Doyle yet again, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for a second limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

I’ll be frank: where’s the sugar-cured ham?
I’ll be blunt: where’s the glaze on this yam?
I’ll be forthright: this beet
Needs a coating that’s sweet.
(It’s no secret how candied I am.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Phyllis LaVietes, Kathy El-Assal, Tom Harris, Will T. Laughlin, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

My gramps is forever a ham.
He drops trou and rocks out to a jam.
So last night he’s on Skype
(And I don’t mean to gripe)
But he maybe should turn off his cam.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman was roasting a ham
Made of soy. She said, “Yes, it’s a sham,
But I’d feel like a dork
If I were to eat pork.
I am vegan – I yam what I yam!”

Kathy El-Assal:

“You are cured,” said the chef to the ham.
“Now it’s time for that patient young lamb.”
While he nursed his red wine,
Chef looked forward to dine
On paella he’d doctored with clam.

Tom Harris:

The man was a terrible ham,
Whose movie career was a sham.
But he did get one part.
His role: Cut a fart.
He stunk, but went out with a blam!

Will T. Laughlin:

Mr. Cruz: Both your Green Eggs and Ham
Down your mis’rable throat I should cram
For making a game
Of my credit and name.
Respectfully yours… Uncle Sam.

Tim James:

A woman was roasting a ham
When her gas stove went off with a blam!
With a flash and a roar
She got blown through a door.
Now she’s caught in a bit of a jamb.

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the Chef, “I’ve a very large ham
Which I’m anxious to show you, Madame.
Though I’m most at my best
With a plump bit of breast,
And I do like to chowder a clam!”

Now, the Chef was a very nice guy.
‘Twas a meal that he meant, and no lie.
He was truly bereft
When she slapped him and left,
And he still doesn’t understand why.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest

Limerick of the Week (136)

Sunday, October 20th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gander was taking a peek
At a goose with a bright orange beak:
“I’m a regular chap
Who won’t easily flap,
But her waddle is making me weak.”

Congratulations to Ira Bloom and Diane Groothuis, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks, which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ira Bloom:

A fellow was sneaking a peek,
At a gal with an awesome physique.
Such a treat for the eyes!
Perfect breasts! Perfect thighs!
It’s too bad that his prospects were bleak.

Diane Groothuis:

Cinderella was taking a peek
At Prince Charming, so handsome and sleek,
And later that night
When she rushed home in fright,
He brought her a shoe from Lalique.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Craig Dykstra, Tim James, Kevin Ahern, Phyllis LaVietes, Chris Doyle, Robert Basler, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

I covered my eyes, did not peek,
When the two of us played hide and seek,
And you hid really well.
The way I can tell?
You’ve been gone now for more than a week.

Craig Dykstra:

He had wanted to get just a peek,
At her cleavage so tan, soft and sleek.
But his fingers had flown
With a mind of their own–
Now his cast won’t come off ’til next week.

Tim James:

A gal at her physical peak
Can make love twenty times in a week.
In my youth that was nifty,
But now that I’m fifty
Be careful. You’ll break this antique.

Kevin Ahern:

My mother developed a pique
At the mouse in our house’s physique.
The thing that inflames
Her most are its games;
It likes to play hide and go squeak.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman was sneaking a peek
At the limerick theme for next week.
She said, “I will show ‘em,
I’m writing a poem,
For the prize won’t be won by the meek!”

Chris Doyle:

At a ball in Dushanbe, I peek
At the gentlemen’s fox trot technique,
Then fall flat on my ass
When a comely young lass
Makes a pass as we dance cheek Tajik.

Robert Basler:

A fellow was climbing a peak.
To get to the top took a week.
He said, with a frown
“It is much quicker down.
“I just untie this knot, then I — eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

Kirk Miller:

He would count to one hundred, not peek.
Dr. Jekyll was rather unique.
Somewhere deep in his mind,
Alter ego he’d find
When the doctor would play Hyde and seek.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (135)

Sunday, October 13th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the Marrakech souk, a trained snake
Emerged from his basket, awake.
The snake charmer rose
And offered to pose.
“No fangs!” said the visiting sheik.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra who, in a tie with HIMSELF, wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these TWO limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

She swerved sharply, avoiding a snake,
And her car ended up in the lake.
To the man at the shop,
Said “The damn thing won’t stop –
If you would, sir, please give me a brake.”

and

The guest had a very large snake
And was feeding it pieces of cake.
But the host said, “Ya know
It seems in-apropos
To be bringing your pet to a wake.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, Phyllis LaVietes, Robert Basler, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine, a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats:

A woman encountered a snake
And cooed to it, offering cake:
“Your pattern is stunning,
I find you quite cunning.”
Six people attended her wake.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman encountered a snake
Which offered her chocolate cake.
“Forbidden! My diet!”
She said, “Or I’d try it.”
Eve’s making no Eden mistake.

Robert Basler:

A woman encountered a snake
In some batter she started to bake.
She gasped, and said, “Whoa!
“I’m baking a boa!
“Prepare to be hugged by a cake!”

Steve Whitred:

A woman encountered a snake,
So a soup she decided to make.
Met a croc, made a stew,
Now her boyfriend’s untrue,
And she’s thinking a brisket she’ll bake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (134)

Sunday, October 6th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A drive-in’s a marvelous place:
Lots of privacy, plenty of space.
Just forget what’s on-screen
And create your own scene.
If you’re lucky, you’ll touch every base.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy and Steve Whitred, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

Colleen Murphy:

I finished in third to last place
In a fifteen kilometer race.
Of the two folks I beat
There was one with club feet
And the other, his leg in a brace.

Steve Whitred:

They think home is the “weaker sex” place,
And they won’t address issues of race.
If there’s one thing they dread,
It’s two men in a bed.
Say “hello” to the GOP base.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The young private at “Mae’s Happy Place”
Saw the pitying look on her face.
“Well it’s clear,” said the whore,
“You’ve not done this before,
Because soldier, you’re way, way off base.”

Fred Bortz:

Mr. Speaker, it’s time to replace
Your obstructionist stance with some grace.
Obamacare’s law.
Your bill sticks in my craw,
And it’s time now to cut to the chase.

A blackmail approach has no place
And your Tea Party wing’s a disgrace.
Fund the government’s work,
Pay our bills — we can’t shirk
Or our country will lose more than face.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman had just lost her place
In line to a big girl named Grace.
Grace elbowed her side
“Move over!” she cried.
“Or else I’ll have to pee in a vase!”

Craig Dykstra:

From the bar, we went back to my place
Where a secretive look crossed her face.
Well it turned out that “she”
Was more well hung than me.
That’s an image I’d like to erase.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (133)

Sunday, September 29th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

As she gathered the sheets in a wrap,
A lover spoke true to her chap:
“Your performance? — no cause
For thund’rous applause.
But it’s likely I gave you the clap.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A Sapphic was trying to wrap
A toy to be worn with a strap.
Then she wrote on the label:
“My dear darling Mabel,
D’ya wanna pretend you’re a chap?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Patrice Stewart a/k/a Patrice Jenine a/k/a Patrice of the ManyCats, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The thief saw her fine ermine wrap
And her neckline that plunged to her lap.
Twixt her breasts was some bling,
But the thing was a sting;
He got caught in the ol’ booby-trap.

Diane Groothuis:

When the goy in the shul wore a wrap
And a blue and white yarmulke (cap),
Rabbi said in surprise,
“That is just a disguise.
Your book’s upside down my dear chap.”

Colleen Murphy:

Before you try learning to rap,
You should test out your skills with the snap.
If you can’t hold a beat
With your fingers or feet,
Then it’s likely the same with your yap.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A gal in an elegant wrap
Woke up from a 20-year nap.
She turned on the news
And shouted out: “Who’s
This White House mahogany chap?”

Patrice of the ManyCats:

She lunged for his knuckles: rap, rap!
“You know I won’t take any crap
When I’m your mean teacher!
You wanna play preacher?”
They grinned, then she sat on his lap.

Diane Groothuis:

Miss Muffett was eating a wrap
While sitting on Jack Horner’s lap.
She had finished two thirds
And gave some to the birds,
But to Jack said “No whey you poor sap.”

Tim James:

A guy used aluminum wrap
Tightly set on his head as a cap.
And just why’s that the case?
It blocks mind beams from space.
(His campaign to be Prez is on tap.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (132)

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Mick Jagger’s indeed in a fix
When St. Peter looks up and says “Nix!”
And the next thing Mick knows
He’s in Hell, where he rows
For eternity playing the Styx.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My cat often gets in a fix;
He got crushed by a pile of bricks,
He got burned in a fire,
And squished by a tire –
I think his nine lives are at six.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

Pig One’s in a terrible fix:
Lost his home (made of hay-and-straw mix)
When a Wolf wandered by
With a gleam in his eye,
And blew the house down just for kicks.

Pig Two had no time to affix
The mezuzah to *his* house (of sticks)
When the Wolf came to town
And he blew the house down…
(He was up to his usual tricks).

Said the Third Pig, “This problem I’ll fix
By building my house out of bricks.”
But the Wolf (Bad and Big)
Just foreclosed on the pig
And moved on to Pigs Four, Five and Six.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Will T. Laughlin, Colleen Murphy, and Hogarth Hippolyte. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

A man who demands a quick fix
(We’re talking down south in the sticks)
May ask for a “Hoover” —
A tricky maneuver —
Sounds cleaner than what it depicts.

Craig Dykstra:

A daredevil got in a fix
Because breakfast and highways don’t mix.
Now the poor guy is dead
And his epitaph read:
“Got his Kix® out on Route 66.”

Jamie Hutchinson:

A matchmaker needed a fix
When the matches she made didn’t mix.
So she set up online
And now business is fine:
Every match is a couple that clicks.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

Bernanke is trying to fix
The economy, which he predicts
Will keep going sideways
Unless they provide ways
To goose it with stimulus tricks.

Will T. Laughlin:

Roger Ailes cried, “Please somebody, fix
This FAX machine. Something there sticks.”
You can fix the Fox FAX,
But a much better tack’s
To fix the faux facts that Fox picks.

Colleen Murphy:

A fellow got into a fix;
He was due home for dinner at six,
But he got home at eight,
Says his work made him late.
Then his wife saw the Instagram pics.

Hogarth Hippolyte:

A woman who needed a fix
Decided to fund it with tricks.
She went on the street
Hoping Johns she would meet,
But scored with a couple of Knicks.

Will T. Laughlin:

Cried the madam, “Well, we’re in a fix:
Of eight clients, you’ve scared away six.
You pull a live bunny
Right out of your… Honey,
You’re turning the wrong kind of tricks!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (131)

Sunday, September 15th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Dear Boss: as your ears and your eyes,
I’m one of the best of your spies.
Still… unless ficus trees
Are expected to sneeze,
They may have seen through my disguise.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Manhattan has opened my eyes
To a deli where bread is the prize.
It’s chewy, nutritious,
And truly delicious!
Try Katz’s — the site for sour ryes.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Ira Bloom, Gary Hallock, Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Kevin Ahern, and Bill Klein. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

A nympho with beautiful eyes
Treated men to a flash of her thighs.
With a wink and a leer
She’d say “What I’ve got here
Is a thing you should try on for sighs.”

Ira Bloom:

A woman with stars in her eyes,
Said “My art I will not compromise.
I can sing, dance and act,
A young Garbo, in fact.
By the way, would you like that with fries?”

Gary Hallock:

The vote from young men is all “ayes”
When a pole dancer gyrates her thighs.
I also should mention
They’ll stand at attention
Although, from their seats, they don’t rise.

Sue Dulley:

A woman with near-perfect eyes
On contacts and glasses relies,
The former for schmoozing,
The latter for boozing,
And specs when she wants to look wise.

Chris Doyle:

She was not, by the look in her eyes,
All that pleased by my biceps and thighs.
I got very low scores
Till she checked in my drawers
And said, “Whoa, that’s economy-size!”

Kevin Ahern:

To parents all rolling their eyes
At the questions their children devise,
Please, do not get weary;
For every query
“Because” is a word to the whys.

Bill Klein:

A woman with nearsighted eyes
Felt the moisture that dampened her thighs.
Her man, with alarm,
Said “You’re sucking my arm,”
Which cut her mood back down to size.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!