Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow’s delusions were grand…*


A woman had hopes that were grand…*


A fellow had paid fifty grand…*


A pianist was playing her grand…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A musician whose plans had been grand
Was canned from his gig with a band.
Though his playing was fly,
They told him “Goodbye,
You’re too cute, which is bad for our brand.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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86 Responses to “Grand Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Jon Gearhart says:

    A fellow had paid fifty grand
    To a congressman, buying his hand,
    But his price has essentially
    Increased exponentially
    And now his plot won’t go as planned!

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    The first electrician

    His design for Creation was grand,
    Though it needed one final command.
    He said “Let there be light!”
    But it stayed black as night –
    The wiring was not quite as planned.

  3. Brian Allgar says:

    Where the hell is my five hundred grand
    From Nigeria? All went as planned;
    I had sent him the codes,
    My account should have loads,
    But it’s empty – I don’t understand!

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    The hotel was misnamed as ‘The Grand’;
    Both the food and the music were canned;
    My room was congested
    And foully infested
    With roaches as big as my hand.

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    The hooker was playing her grand
    While caressing her customer’s gland.
    When he asked “How d’you do it?”
    She said “Nothing to it –
    It’s a piece by Ravel for Left Hand.”

  6. Neko Perdomo says:

    So, everyone knows that they’re grand,
    the huge things that dreamers have planned.
    But, whenever they start,
    It just breaks my heart,
    For fear of the place where they’ll land.

  7. Bob Dvorak says:

    John Boehner’s delusions were grand:
    It’s a GOP Congress, as planned.
    But to get something done
    Needs the White House; so, Son,
    Pull the Tea Party heads from the sand.

  8. Judith H. Block says:

    A woman had hopes that were grand.
    And thoughts that would surely be banned.
    She’d make her lover
    Feel like no other.
    He’d always be at her command.

  9. Judith H. Block says:

    (Note- “Lea” is pronounced “Lee”)

    My friend, Lea, plays the baby grand.
    In piano, she has great command.
    The music she’s making
    Is truly breathtaking!
    Just hear her play- you’ll understand.

  10. Val Fish says:

    OMG, I’ve won fifty grand
    Round the world cruise already planned
    But I’ll be damned
    Seems I’ve been scammed
    And fleeced for ten thousand rand.

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    The tour was the kind known as “Grand”,
    And by now we had reached Sammarkand.
    Though the cuisine is Tajik,
    We found – it seemed magic! –
    A McDonald’s hamburger stand.


    When the pianist fingers her Grand,
    It responds to her talented hand:
    When she went to begin, it
    Was merely a spinet…
    It’s funny how some things expand.

  13. The wealthy consider it grand
    When a third of the workforce gets canned,
    And the money they thieve
    Is a Job they receive
    From the market’s invisible Hand.

  14. First Brown, and then Garner. The Grand
    Jury fumbled. I can’t understand:
    Could it be that they slept?
    Were they simply inept?
    Or has the whole system been Klanned?

    (or, in an acrostic)

    “We the Jury (not trial, but Grand)
    Have decided to NOT reprimand.
    In fact, you might say
    That we functioned today
    Exactly the way we were planned.”

  15. Though it’s often a couple of grand
    That must pass to a Congressman’s hand,
    For a Big Shiny Thing
    And some pieces of string
    Louie Gohmert is yours to command.

  16. John Armstrong says:

    I wanted to play in a band
    Thought saxophone would be grand
    They looked at my size
    And to my surprise
    Placed a trombone in my hand ;0(

  17. OK, I promise: unless some other catastrophe comes up, this will be this week’s last political polemic limerick. Polemerick. Whatever.

    Oh, won’t it be awfully grand
    If Republicans govern as planned?
    All power and might
    To the old, rich and white!
    Let us now sing “This Land is Your Land…”

  18. My ex, getting married? How grand!
    My response, though, was not as I planned:
    I tried texting “Good *Luck*”,
    But the L must’ve stuck…
    When I sent it, I ended up banned.

  19. Ira Bloom says:

    The studio’s plans were quite grand,
    To revive, and show live, flames were fanned.
    Execs raved while talkin’
    Of Hook, played by Walken,
    But sadly, young Peter was Panned.

  20. Ira Bloom says:

    The Kochs paid each Rep fifty grand,
    For a pipeline for oil squeezed from sand.
    Their cash they call freedom,
    To bribe when they need ’em,
    Envisioned, they say, by Ayn Rand.

  21. Jesse Levy says:

    A fellow had paid fifteen grand
    To buy a real small piece of land.
    Land was out of his reach
    So he bought on a beach
    and could only build castles of sand.

  22. Bonnie Walter says:

    A fellow’s delusions were grand–
    Paul, first name Rand.
    While he ran for President
    Wanting White House residence
    His plagiarizing Wiki was panned.

  23. Jen Harris says:

    A fellow had to leave his band
    For reasons he can’t understand
    To this day; he was told
    It’s fine to be bold,
    But display of a pianist was banned.

  24. John Sardo says:

    His delusions were certainly grand
    From the start he should have been canned.
    He had a big wish
    To be a big fish
    All he did in the end was crash land.

  25. John Sardo says:

    A fellow’s delusions were grand
    A large army he wished to command
    His name was George Bush
    And with dreams up his tush
    He sent soldiers to die in the sand.

  26. Andy Bassett says:

    A fellow had paid fifty grand
    To an antiques dealer in The Strand
    But when he collected
    He exclaimed “I expected
    A lot more than just one nightstand.”

  27. Richard Diakun says:

    I owed me old bookie nine grand
    The games didn’t go as I planned
    Now, Tony wants bank
    or his boys break my crank
    It’s useless since they broke my hand!

  28. C. Adams says:

    A pianist was playing her grand
    When she felt a cramp in her hand.
    With her eyes full of mist
    It sounded like Liszt
    When she was actually playing Chopin.

  29. C. Adams says:

    A fellow’s delusions were grand.
    He schemed and plotted and planned.
    He thought it’d be fun
    To chase after the sun,
    And ended up thoroughly tanned.

  30. C. Adams says:

    Sorry if it’s a bit risqué.

    A woman had hopes that were grand.
    Get rich, is what she had planned.
    She became a celeb,
    From some pics on the web.
    I must stop now. Can’t type with one hand.

  31. Val Fish says:

    I’d booked us a room at The Grand,
    Details meticulously planned
    I’d not bargained for
    A knock at the door,
    The wife, divorce papers in hand.

  32. C. Adams says:

    A fellow had paid fifty grand.
    A nose job is what he had planned.
    Doc said, “Take a look.”
    “It’s all done, Captain Hook.”
    “Oh God! I look like Russell Brand!”

  33. @Bonnie:

    Ron Paul had a plan that was grand
    When he named his own son for Ayn Rand —
    He thought (like Rand’s Roark)
    He could blow up the stork
    If his son didn’t turn out as planned!

  34. Is this what makes Opera “Grand” —
    When the Fat Lady drowns out the band?
    After four or five hours
    She still overpowers,
    With lyrics I don’t understand.

  35. I went for a meal at the Grand.
    I thought that their cooking was bland.
    And their coffee, I find,
    Is a horrible grind —
    Maybe “Unhallowed Grounds” is their brand?

  36. The film maker’s vision was grand —
    The widest of screens he outspanned!
    Still, he felt like a dope
    When his Cinemascope
    Turned up on TV, panned and scanned.

  37. yt cai says:

    This Prix was certainly Grand
    With a thousand dollars in hand
    Went to the used car lot
    But my budget was shot
    When taxed at the Auto Grand Stand

  38. A woman named Edith LeGrand
    Grew a nose in the palm of each hand.
    In the meantime, her boobs
    Have both turned into cubes
    (We suspect a malfunctioning gland).

  39. Fred Bortz says:

    Creationists say God’s so Grand
    That all of the species were planned.
    Every land and sea creature
    Exhibits a feature
    That came from the work of His hand.

    In their view, Humanity’s grand.
    At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
    But I say if it’s true
    We’re the best God can do
    Then the deity needs to re-brand.

  40. Fred Bortz says:

    Or a one-verse version: (please delete preceding one that didn’t scan)

    To Creationists, mankind is grand.
    At life’s pinnacle, that’s where we stand.
    But I say if it’s true
    We’re the best God can do
    Then the deity needs to re-brand.

  41. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    I had hoped I’d be winning a grand,
    But once more, my dessert was too bland.
    Though I enter each summer,
    It’s always a bummer;
    This year was my custard’s last stand.

  42. Daisy Mae Simon says:

    Two women playing piano—quite grand
    Using feet- what a treat- They both stand
    and jump twist and wiggle
    Their feet ivories tickle
    I’m sure they’ll enjoy a ‘BIG’ hand.


  43. Byron Ives says:

    Sexting pics to her beau would be grand,
    So she sent him a few, nude and tanned
    Then she thought, lucky guy,
    But he’s slow to reply….
    Must be typing with just his left hand….

  44. Byron Ives says:

    He told her he’d charge just a grand
    For a castle, built just as she planned
    She scowled, “You’re a leech,
    Get off of this beach!
    Take your bucket and cups and pound sand!”

  45. Frank Moraes says:

    Here I thought myself so clever by coming up with Ayn Rand, but I see two people have already beat me to that idea (with good limericks to boot). Anyway, against my will, I present the following, which is in reference to the Queen of the Market greedily taking her collectivist Social Security checks each month:

    So many think that she is grand
    That sub-Nietzsche writer Ayn Rand
    “All must be sufficient!
    All others deficient!”
    But government checks she’d demand.

  46. Tim James says:

    A guy whose ambitions were grand
    Started off in the copy room, and
    Planned to further advance.
    But he fumbled that chance:
    His keister he shouldn’t have scanned.

  47. Jon Gearhart says:

    Billy Joel played his big baby grand
    With the touch of each artistic hand.
    His light touch made gals Misty.
    To the brink he led Christie,
    Where they’d part like time’s hourglass sand.

  48. Fred Bortz says:

    A riff on Tom Lehrer’s “National Brotherhood Week.”

    Brotherhood Week is so grand.
    We hug all the folks we can’t stand.
    Seven days of good will
    Toward the ones we would kill,
    Then it’s back to the vile deeds we’ve planned.

  49. Matt Regan says:

    A fellow had paid fifty grand
    For a workable prosthetic hand.
    He added some updates,
    Like vibrating pulpates,
    And now he is much in demand.

  50. C. Adams says:

    Hats off to Spinal Tap

    A fellow had paid fifty grand,
    To hire an 80s rock band.
    Once the band had unloaded,
    The poor drummer exploded,
    They still haven’t found his right-hand.

  51. C. Adams says:

    Roman History (in 5 lines)

    The Roman Republic was grand.
    Then the Empire became quite a brand.
    But after many bad Caesers,
    And barbarian seizures
    It crumbled away into sand.

  52. Denise Carruthers says:

    A woman had hopes that were grand
    She would marry a Prince of the land
    But first she must find him
    and in order to bind him
    always carried an elastic band

  53. Denise Carruthers says:

    A woman had hopes that were grand
    write the best limerick in the land
    reviewed all submissions
    dispelled her delusions
    dada dumb dada don’t understand

  54. yt cai says:

    On this nag I bet my last grand
    By the time he passed the grandstand
    The race was long over
    I’ll tell you moreover
    Threw his jockey thus was unmanned

    At the track I’m suddenly banned
    For a spontaneous remand
    Broke and patience tested
    All that I suggested
    Was that lame horse should now be canned

  55. C. Adams says:

    A woman had hair that was grand.
    She would care for each little strand.
    She’d comb it and tweeze it
    And braid it and tease it,
    Then place it each night on its stand.

  56. C. Adams says:

    A pianist was playing her grand
    But she wasn’t using her hand.
    As the music, she read,
    She hit the keys with her head.
    “I’m playing by ear, understand?”

  57. Denise Carruthers says:

    A fellow had paid fifty grand
    to marry in a castle of sand.
    With his bride at his side
    they flowed out with the tide.
    an drowned in a one night stand

  58. Denise Carruthers says:

    A pianist was playing her grand,
    her notes sounding over the land.
    Along came a spider,
    fresh out from India.
    Web-music was not what she planned

  59. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    The surf and the sunshine were grand
    As we frolicked unclothed on the strand.
    Now her daddy’s irate,
    And a beating her fate,
    ‘Cept her hide had already been tanned.

  60. Kirk Miller says:

    The executive thought it was grand;
    Got jerked off when she handled his gland.
    Thus her job she had kept.
    She was very adept
    At “dick-tation” while doing “short-hand.”

  61. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    “For your hit, I was paid fifty grand.
    Do you want to know what I’ve got planned?”
    “No, oblivion’s best;
    I don’t want to be stressed.”
    So I buried his head in the sand.

  62. Thomas Gorman says:

    A fellow had paid fifty grand
    In hopes of enhancing his gland
    But when his girlfriend did see
    The results that would be
    She shrieked and then promptly ran!

  63. C. Adams says:

    Some of these new smart phones are grand,
    But the typing doesn’t work as is planned.
    I searched for, “directions,”
    But it made some corrections,
    Now I’m flooded with Viagra ad spam.

  64. C. Adams says:

    Modern Life

    Some issues I don’t understand.
    Like, why porn sites are in such demand
    Full of pics of young beauties,
    Showing off their round booties.
    On this topic I take a FIRM stand!


  65. Tim James says:

    A woman had hopes that were grand
    As she tried to make chateaubriand
    In a circular skillet
    Which she heated until it
    Cooked dry. The result? Roundly panned.

  66. Kirk Miller says:

    The suicide blonde looked just grand;
    She laid in the sun and got tanned.
    Head hair roots caused her strife
    So she ended her life.
    Folks said that she dyed by her own hand.

  67. C. Adams says:

    Writing limericks is a hobby most grand.
    I’ve really become quite a fan.
    Filled with innuendo,
    They build to a crescendo
    And erupt. Now I must go wash my hands.*

    *A sensible practice, recommended by 9 out of 10 physicians, to help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases this winter (Plus, I happened to notice the laptop keyboard was a bit… “crusty”).

  68. She takes the boy home, and it’s grand.
    Come morning, she’ll reach out her hand,
    And she’ll find with despair
    That the guy IS STILL THERE…
    It’s the dread One-Night misunderStand.

  69. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    When my mom dropped us off at the Grand,
    Just a movie was all I had planned,
    But this chick wasn’t staid;
    ‘Fore the flick had yet played,
    She had me in the palm of her hand.

  70. Jon Gearhart says:

    Aren’t those bendy contortionists grand?
    I’ve seen one that for 6 years can stand
    With one foot in his mouth,
    His head stuffed up down south,
    Still golfing and leading our land!

  71. Lauren I. says:

    The players were all-in for a grand.
    Was one card from a dead man’s hand,
    Last card and I reached in
    Full house did secure the win.
    Raking the pot caused a swell to my gland.

  72. Kirk Miller says:

    When she made the first month twenty grand,
    A nutritionist did as she planned.
    Markets dieting fads
    To obese moms and dads;
    Claims she lives off the fat of the land.

  73. C. Adams says:

    She said my cuisine was not grand.
    It’s simple, foul-smelling, and bland.
    I said, not to be rude,
    “I cook in the nude”
    “And prefer not to stir with my hands!”

  74. C. Adams says:

    Of Gilbert, I admit. I’m a fan.
    The voice of that duck! He’s the man!
    Then a big wave came callin’.
    He made jokes so appallin’,
    And pissed off the whole of Japan.

  75. Kirk Miller says:

    Using Coke cans to climax felt grand,
    But it ended far worse than she planned.
    She was caught on the job,
    And was fired. With a sob,
    Said farewell, ’cause she knew she’d been canned.

  76. Allen Wilcox says:

    A drunk who thought whacking off grand
    Put more lubricant on than he’d planned.
    Pulled it out in a bar –
    His worst move by far,
    For that’s when it got out of hand.

  77. Allen Wilcox says:

    Gen’ral Custer with bluster had grand
    Plans to wipe out an indian band.
    But he took his last shit,
    As he made his last sit.
    Then he rost up and made his last stand.

  78. Allen Wilcox says:

    A fellow thought synonyms grand,
    So he bellowed = thesaurus in hand
    From his reference nook.
    That was all that it took.
    He was let go, or fired, or canned.

  79. Byron Ives says:

    The pitching was no less than grand
    Innumerable hitters were fanned
    Some folks made no stink,
    Yet, some others think
    Those pitching machines should be banned!

  80. Kirk Miller says:

    His skill with the saw wasn’t grand.
    The cutting did not go as planned.
    The tragedy lingers,
    But he crossed his fingers,
    And now he is great at shorthand.

  81. Ron B. says:

    “No Grander Philanderer”

    A man whose delusions were grand
    expected that just as he planned
    his wife and his lover
    would gladly discover
    that neither could meet his demand.

  82. Ron B. says:

    A woman playing her grand
    — because of her dress. — had to stand
    For fear that disclosure
    — indecent exposure. —
    would leave her Stravinsky show panned.

  83. Ron B. says:

    Grand Deception

    A man who had paid fifty grand
    for glass in a base metal band
    said “Phony?…that’s funny…
    so too was the money
    I spent on that slick sleight-of-hand!”

  84. Ron B. says:

    “Net Loss”

    An oyster whose plans had been grand
    for grain that he swallowed of sand
    hy the sweat of his swirl
    might have crafted a pearl
    had he never been caught and canned.

  85. Ron B. says:

    “No Do Haiku”

    A man who found limericks grand
    said Haiku I don’t understand…
    the rush of three waves…
    five, seven, five…rows of graves…
    sounds etched in wet sand.

  86. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Limerick Repartee Award Winners, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 193.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Snag.