Archive for the ‘Shopping Humor’ Category

Jerky Review (Limerick)

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Does Consumer Reports really need to rate beef jerky and meat sticks?

Jerky Review (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Consumer Reports, what a waste:
Judging jerky and meat sticks for taste.
They’re all loaded with salt
And deserve a “Gevalt!”
Will you next rate the flavor of paste?

A Fishy Tale (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

Yesterday, when I posted this anecdote about my mother-in-law on Facebook, several friends urged me to turn it into a limerick. And so, I’ve done just that. (My limerick is right below the anecdote.)

True story: Sunday night, Mark kept anxiously re-dialing his elderly mother. When she finally answered, her voice sounded very upset as she said, “A terrible thing happened.” Then she paused, as Mark’s heart skipped several beats.

His mother’s next words were: “They stopped making my salmon.”

(She was referring to her favorite canned salmon, which actually is still available, but was out of stock in the two stores she’d been to.)

And now, the limerick:

A Fishy Tale (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Something awful has happened,” she cried,
And then paused. We thought someone had died.
That’s Mark’s mom at her best:
Her horror expressed
About salmon no longer supplied.

Nobby Limerick

Thursday, December 6th, 2012

I learned a new word today: Nobby, which means elegant and stylish. Please don’t dress me down for using it in a limerick:

Nobby Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A chic woman arrived in the lobby
Of a shop that was known to be snobby.
But its nobby couture
Held for her no allure:
Sky-high hems don’t suit knees that are knobby.

Lingerie Lust (Limerick)

Tuesday, November 27th, 2012

You know it’s the Christmas season, when you read about a Black Friday brawl breaking out over panties at Victoria’s Secret. This mall melee at the Roseville Galleria Mall in California was all captured on video.

Lingerie Lust (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

In their lust for a haul at the mall,
Pantie shoppers broke into a brawl.
To put it quite briefly
The reasons are chiefly
Their vainness and greed — a clothes call.

While we’re on the subject of undie shopping at Victoria’s Secret, Secret Shopper is an old humor column about shopping for panties with my late mother. (It was her favorite column featuring her antics.)

Overpriced Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Saturday, May 12th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A gal in an overpriced store…*

or

A man in an overpriced store…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Overpriced Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal in an overpriced store,
Who’d completely forgotten what for,
Told the clerk, “Can’t recall
Why I came here at all.
Just as well. If I could, I’d be poor.”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Google Doesn’t Have My Number (Limerick)

Friday, January 27th, 2012

Google compiles basic profiles on each of its users, based on web browsing habits. And I just found out I’m a 65-plus male.

If you’re wondering who Google thinks you are, simply sign into Google and visit your ad preferences.

Google Doesn’t Have My Number (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It seems Google believes I’m a guy–
One who’s 65-plus. And here’s why:
It claims its conclusion
Is ad-based — Delusion!
Ask my husband — this profile’s a lie!

Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Toys “R” Us seems to be selling some potty-mouthed dolls:

Pauline Davis bought some last minute presents for her grandchildren Christmas Eve, but when she brought three talking dolls back to her Oaklyn, N.J. home, she got a rude surprise.

The dolls giggle, coo, and then say something that sounds exactly like, “OK, crazy bitch.”

The three dolls called “You and Me Play and Giggle Triplets” are made just for the Toys “R” Us brand, and Toys “R” Us is sticking by its alleged potty-mouthed pixies.

Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Toys “R” Us has encountered a hitch
In its baby doll sales and it’s rich.
They should babble and burble,
But these dolls are verbal:
They exclaim loud and clear “Crazy Bitch.”

Dear Merchants (Limerick)

Friday, November 25th, 2011

Dear Merchants (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

It’s Black Friday — you want us to shop,
To spend all of our money, non-stop.
But I won’t spend a dime
Cuz I’d rather spend time
Writing rhymes I could trade. Care to swap?

Free Money (Limerick)

Friday, August 12th, 2011

Free Money Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man who was free with his money
Spent all of his cash on his honey.
When he fin’ly ran out,
She ran off with a lout,
Who bought her a coat made of bunny.

St. Valentine’s Day Haiku

Tuesday, February 8th, 2011

St. Valentine’s Day,
Okay for loving couples.
Much sweeter for stores.

(My Valentine’s Day limerick and another haiku are here. And here’s my Valiant Guys Guide To Valentines Day humor column.)

Limerick Ode To Greed

Monday, December 27th, 2010

As I’ve mentioned previously, my pal Patrick McGuire runs a weekly Unfinished Limerick Contest. The latest finished oddly, as explained in this … uh … press release. And I’m proud to say I garnered an Honorable Mention, despite having broken just about all of the contest’s rules. How did I pull off this feat? You’ll just have to read Patrick’s blog.

Here’s my entry:

Limerick Ode To Greed
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Tis the season to make lots of cash
For business, for God. Got a stash?
Yes, ain’t it ironic
That greed is so chronic?
We worship the gods of mall trash.

Poor Excuse For A Limerick Limerick Audio

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who grew up quite poor…

Here’s mine:

Poor Excuse For A Limerick (Poor Excuse Limerick Audio)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman who grew up quite poor
Is rich now, but always craves more.
Is it greed or just fear?
It isn’t quite clear
Why she hankers to buy out each store.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo.

Thanks! And happy holiday shopping!

Limerick Ode To Left-Handed Underwear

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Facebook pal and Limerick-Off regular Peter Metrinko pointed me to this article about a fashion breakthrough — underwear for left-handed men. Needless to say, I felt compelled to celebrate southpaw undies with a limerick:

Limerick Ode To Left-Handed Underwear
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You left-handed men, there’s good news:
Southpaw undies — much handier to use.
When you visit the loo
There’s a bit less to do.
But please don’t the priv’lege abuse.

UPDATE: August 13th is Left Hander’s Day. Enjoy!

What A Drag!

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Needless to say, I wrote this limerick while running around doing sundry chores:

What A Drag!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman who’s dragging a cart
Has some errands to run. Where to start?
The cleaners and grocer —
Too bad they’re not closer.
How she longs to stay home and make art.

Neither High, Nor Dry

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

I understand why buying a car or a home appliance or pricey wine would require some research. But purchasing towels shouldn’t be all that complicated. So why is it that whenever my husband and I buy towels, they suck? Actually the problem is … they don’t suck.

Neither High, Nor Dry (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Our new towels seemed fine at first blush.
They were velvety smooth and so plush.
But they don’t absorb well.
You might say they repel.
Can’t our towels act more like a lush?

Valentine’s Day Verse (Limerick & Haiku Prompt)

Thursday, February 5th, 2009

Valentine’s Day is coming up — an ideal topic for my very overdue limerick and a haiku (senryu) prompt. First, my limerick:

St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
Will your loved one come through
And make festive ado?
Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?

And now my haiku (senryu):

St. Valentine’s Day—
One day each February?
No. Daily each year.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about Valentine’s Day. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. And please post a comment as well.

(For more Valentine’s Day cheer, my Valiant Guy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day humor column is here.)

1996 Humor Column About Underwear Shopping With My Mother

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Thanks to all of you for your kind emails, comments, and Twitter tweets about my mother’s death. I really appreciate it!

In my mother’s honor, I’m posting a 1996 humor column she inspired during happier (and funnier) times:

Secret Shopper
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“I’m not going in there. No way. Forget it.”

My seventy-something mother’s stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I’d just suggested.

She and I had spent the entire afternoon combing through three department stores for the definitive pair of panties. Or at least my mom’s idea of same. This illusive undergarment had to be loose, comfortable, 100% cotton, and totally devoid of lace. And that was just for starters. It also had to completely cover my mother’s hips and come in a large size, the exact number of which she resolutely refused to disclose. … (Secret Shopper is continued here.)

Threefer Haiku

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Impulse purchases
liberate you from your cash,
betray your self-worth.

(Sometimes I like to challenge myself by using several prompts at once, and today’s a threefer: “impulse,” “betrayal,” and “liberation,” all courtesy of Writers Island. And speaking of writing prompts, I’ve just posted a new one whose theme is “warning” and/or “caution.”)

Update: My husband Mark (who seems to be turning into a poet) read my haiku and almost immediately came up with his own.  I must confess that I like his better:

That impulse buy —
betrayal of frugality.
Ah … liberation.

This Is A Warning (Limerick & Haiku Prompt)

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is warnings and/or caution. First, my limerick:

Please be careful when closing that door.
If it hits you, you’re bound to be sore.
My hand is still numb
From its catching my thumb,
And I’m thinking of suing this store.

And now my warning-related haiku:

Storm clouds fill the sky
as walkers heed their warning
while birds cheer them on.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about warnings and/or caution. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

(Note: My limerick was inspired in part by Sunday Scribblings’ “sore” prompt and Inspire Me Thursday’s “door” prompt.)

 

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants
 

1. Crafty Green Poet
2. Connie
3. Felix Morgenstern
4. gautami tripathy
5. Noah the Great
6. Lilibeth
7. Moe Lauher
8. Noah the Great
9. Granny Smith
10. Alan Summers

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your warnings and/or caution verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Ring Of Truth (Limerick)

Wednesday, March 5th, 2008

Ring of Truth
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“This engagement ring — that’s what I’d like,”
Said the gal to her boyfriend named Mike.
But looking unsteady,
Said Mike, “I’m not ready,
So can’t I just buy you a bike?”