Yesterday, when I posted this anecdote about my mother-in-law on Facebook, several friends urged me to turn it into a limerick. And so, I’ve done just that. (My limerick is right below the anecdote.)
True story: Sunday night, Mark kept anxiously re-dialing his elderly mother. When she finally answered, her voice sounded very upset as she said, “A terrible thing happened.” Then she paused, as Mark’s heart skipped several beats.
His mother’s next words were: “They stopped making my salmon.”
(She was referring to her favorite canned salmon, which actually is still available, but was out of stock in the two stores she’d been to.)
And now, the limerick:
A Fishy Tale (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“Something awful has happened,” she cried,
And then paused. We thought someone had died.
That’s Mark’s mom at her best:
Her horror expressed
About salmon no longer supplied.
I learned a new word today: Nobby, which means elegant and stylish. Please don’t dress me down for using it in a limerick:
Nobby Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A chic woman arrived in the lobby
Of a shop that was known to be snobby.
But its nobby couture
Held for her no allure:
Sky-high hems don’t suit knees that are knobby.
You know it’s the Christmas season, when you read about a Black Friday brawl breaking out over panties at Victoria’s Secret. This mall melee at the Roseville Galleria Mall in California was all captured on video.
Lingerie Lust (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
In their lust for a haul at the mall,
Pantie shoppers broke into a brawl.
To put it quite briefly
The reasons are chiefly
Their vainness and greed — a clothes call.
While we’re on the subject of undie shopping at Victoria’s Secret, Secret Shopper is an old humor column about shopping for panties with my late mother. (It was her favorite column featuring her antics.)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A gal in an overpriced store…*
or
A man in an overpriced store…*
*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)
Here’s my limerick:
Overpriced Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A gal in an overpriced store,
Who’d completely forgotten what for,
Told the clerk, “Can’t recall
Why I came here at all.
Just as well. If I could, I’d be poor.”
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Toys “R” Us seems to be selling some potty-mouthed dolls:
Pauline Davis bought some last minute presents for her grandchildren Christmas Eve, but when she brought three talking dolls back to her Oaklyn, N.J. home, she got a rude surprise.
The dolls giggle, coo, and then say something that sounds exactly like, “OK, crazy bitch.”
The three dolls called “You and Me Play and Giggle Triplets” are made just for the Toys “R” Us brand, and Toys “R” Us is sticking by its alleged potty-mouthed pixies.
Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Toys “R” Us has encountered a hitch
In its baby doll sales and it’s rich.
They should babble and burble,
But these dolls are verbal:
They exclaim loud and clear “Crazy Bitch.”
Dear Merchants (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
It’s Black Friday — you want us to shop,
To spend all of our money, non-stop.
But I won’t spend a dime
Cuz I’d rather spend time
Writing rhymes I could trade. Care to swap?
Free Money Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A man who was free with his money
Spent all of his cash on his honey.
When he fin’ly ran out,
She ran off with a lout,
Who bought her a coat made of bunny.
St. Valentine’s Day,
Okay for loving couples.
Much sweeter for stores.
(My Valentine’s Day limerick and another haiku are here. And here’s my Valiant Guys Guide To Valentines Day humor column.)
As I’ve mentioned previously, my pal Patrick McGuire runs a weekly Unfinished Limerick Contest. The latest finished oddly, as explained in this … uh … press release. And I’m proud to say I garnered an Honorable Mention, despite having broken just about all of the contest’s rules. How did I pull off this feat? You’ll just have to read Patrick’s blog.
Here’s my entry:
Limerick Ode To Greed
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Tis the season to make lots of cash
For business, for God. Got a stash?
Yes, ain’t it ironic
That greed is so chronic?
We worship the gods of mall trash.
Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A woman who grew up quite poor…
Here’s mine:
Poor Excuse For A Limerick (Poor Excuse Limerick Audio)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who grew up quite poor
Is rich now, but always craves more.
Is it greed or just fear?
It isn’t quite clear
Why she hankers to buy out each store.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo.
Thanks! And happy holiday shopping!
Facebook pal and Limerick-Off regular Peter Metrinko pointed me to this article about a fashion breakthrough — underwear for left-handed men. Needless to say, I felt compelled to celebrate southpaw undies with a limerick:
Limerick Ode To Left-Handed Underwear
By Madeleine Begun Kane
You left-handed men, there’s good news:
Southpaw undies — much handier to use.
When you visit the loo
There’s a bit less to do.
But please don’t the priv’lege abuse.
UPDATE: August 13th is Left Hander’s Day. Enjoy!
Needless to say, I wrote this limerick while running around doing sundry chores:
What A Drag!
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A woman who’s dragging a cart
Has some errands to run. Where to start?
The cleaners and grocer —
Too bad they’re not closer.
How she longs to stay home and make art.
I understand why buying a car or a home appliance or pricey wine would require some research. But purchasing towels shouldn’t be all that complicated. So why is it that whenever my husband and I buy towels, they suck? Actually the problem is … they don’t suck.
Neither High, Nor Dry (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Our new towels seemed fine at first blush.
They were velvety smooth and so plush.
But they don’t absorb well.
You might say they repel.
Can’t our towels act more like a lush?
Valentine’s Day is coming up — an ideal topic for my very overdue limerick and a haiku (senryu) prompt. First, my limerick:
St. Valentine’s Day’s coming soon.
It’s a choc’late and rose-sellers’ boon.
Will your loved one come through
And make festive ado?
Or just buy you a five-buck balloon?
And now my haiku (senryu):
St. Valentine’s Day—
One day each February?
No. Daily each year.
Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write some verse about Valentine’s Day. When you’ve posted your poem(s), please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. And please post a comment as well.
(For more Valentine’s Day cheer, my Valiant Guy’s Guide to Valentine’s Day humor column is here.)
Thanks to all of you for your kind emails, comments, and Twitter tweets about my mother’s death. I really appreciate it!
In my mother’s honor, I’m posting a 1996 humor column she inspired during happier (and funnier) times:
Secret Shopper
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“I’m not going in there. No way. Forget it.”
My seventy-something mother’s stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I’d just suggested.
She and I had spent the entire afternoon combing through three department stores for the definitive pair of panties. Or at least my mom’s idea of same. This illusive undergarment had to be loose, comfortable, 100% cotton, and totally devoid of lace. And that was just for starters. It also had to completely cover my mother’s hips and come in a large size, the exact number of which she resolutely refused to disclose. … (Secret Shopper is continued here.)
Impulse purchases
liberate you from your cash,
betray your self-worth.
(Sometimes I like to challenge myself by using several prompts at once, and today’s a threefer: “impulse,” “betrayal,” and “liberation,” all courtesy of Writers Island. And speaking of writing prompts, I’ve just posted a new one whose theme is “warning” and/or “caution.”)
Update: My husband Mark (who seems to be turning into a poet) read my haiku and almost immediately came up with his own. I must confess that I like his better:
That impulse buy —
betrayal of frugality.
Ah … liberation.
Today’s limerick and haiku theme is warnings and/or caution. First, my limerick:
Please be careful when closing that door.
If it hits you, you’re bound to be sore.
My hand is still numb
From its catching my thumb,
And I’m thinking of suing this store.
And now my warning-related haiku:
Storm clouds fill the sky
as walkers heed their warning
while birds cheer them on.
Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about warnings and/or caution. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.
(Note: My limerick was inspired in part by Sunday Scribblings’ “sore” prompt and Inspire Me Thursday’s “door” prompt.)
| 1. Crafty Green Poet 2. Connie 3. Felix Morgenstern 4. gautami tripathy |
5. Noah the Great 6. Lilibeth 7. Moe Lauher 8. Noah the Great |
9. Granny Smith 10. Alan Summers |
UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your warnings and/or caution verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.
Ring of Truth
By Madeleine Begun Kane
“This engagement ring — that’s what I’d like,”
Said the gal to her boyfriend named Mike.
But looking unsteady,
Said Mike, “I’m not ready,
So can’t I just buy you a bike?”
Mad Kane (Madeleine Begun Kane) is a writer, musician, and "recovering lawyer." She won the Robert Benchley Society Award For Humor and enjoys writing limericks, song parodies, and current events haiku.
You can email her at madkane@madkane.com, visit her political humor blog, or stop by her home page.
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