MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

Ring of Truth
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“This engagement ring — that’s what I’d like,”
Said the gal to her boyfriend named Mike.
But looking unsteady,
Said Mike, “I’m not ready,
So can’t I just buy you a bike?”

Technorati Tags: Engagement Humor, Diamond Rings, Jewelry Shopping Poem

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is bad jobs. Why? Because everyone I know has had at least one really awful job. As for me, I’ve had more bad jobs than I’d care to remember. So here’s a pair of poems about two of them.  First, my limerick about substitute teaching:

In my twenties I substitute taught.
‘Tis a challenging job and it’s fraught;
All those calls before dawn
To instruct devil’s spawn
Made me anxious, uptight—overwrought.

And now, my haiku about working in a discount department store:

Discount lingerie:
Folded, painstakingly shelved.
Soon to be litter.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about bad jobs. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky.

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your bad jobs-themed verse in the Comments.

Technorati Tags: Bad Jobs, Employment Humor, Job Limerick, Substitute Teaching, Department Store, Discount Lingerie, Shoppers, School Humor, Education Limerick

Why I Don’t Relish Shopping
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I stare at the shelves in confusion,
Wond’ring why there is such a profusion
Of sizes and styles.
Choices litter the aisles.
Is the simple life just an illusion?

(You can find more of my shopping humor here. And to read more “choice” poetry visit Creative Goddesses’ Monday Poetry Train. Finally, to find out what other people may or may not relish, visit Manic Monday.)

Technorati Tags: Shopping Humor, Choice Confusion, Supermarket Aisles, Simple Life Humor

If you’re ever in Scottsdale, Arizona and feel the need to buy jeans, prepare yourself for a scary rear view:

Worried that new pair of high-fashion jeans may just make your butt look fat? Now shoppers in one upscale Scottsdale store [The Hub] can check it out for themselves before someone else makes the observation - using the Butt Cam, a camera positioned just so that’s connected to a video screen on a dressing room wall.

And if that doesn’t sound bad enough:

The setup also allows Hub employees to display views of their more confident shoppers on flat-screen TVs behind the cash registers for all to see.

This brings me to my latest limerick:

No Butt Cams For Me — No Ifs, Ands, Or Buts
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Butt Cam sure sounds rather crass,
But it gives you a view of your ass
While you’re trying on jeans.
And you know what that means?
It should tell almost all: “Take a pass!” 

So, would you ever willingly expose yourself to a butt camera? Take my Butt Cam poll and let me know:

(You can find more of my fashion and shopping humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Butt Camera, Butt Cam, Buying Jeans, Clothes Shopping, Fashion Satire, Shopping In Scottsdale Arizona, Dressing Room Cameras, Video Screens

It’s mid-August, which means back-to-school day is just around the corner.  And that in turn means it’s time to start shopping for school supplies: rulers and notebooks and pens and lunch boxes and calculators and computers and school clothes and … bulletproof backpacks???

“We’re just trying to give kids a defensive tool to use in case something does happen,” Curran said of the backpacks, which sell for $175 US. …

Since they started selling online last week, they’ve sold out of their initial stock of several hundred backpacks and are now ordering a new shipment from Massachusetts.

Methinks this calls for a limerick:

Bulletproof Backpacks: In Case Your Kid’s Classmate Is Packing
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Selling bulletproof backpacks?  How sad!
Could the safety of schools be so bad,
That parents must buy
Such an item? Oh my!
Are they needed, or just a mad fad?

So parents, would you ever clad your kid in a bulletproof backpack? Take this poll and let us all know:

(You can find more of my school and education humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Bulletproof Backpacks, School Safety, Education Limerick, Schooling Satire, Back To School Shopping, School Supplies

Tacky Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

These armchairs are tacky and lack
Sound support for my weary old back.
Their seats are too deep
And their prices too steep.
Ow! What’s this in my tushie? A tack!

Technorati Tags: Furniture Humor, Furnishings, Chairs, Back Pain, Shopping Satire, House Decorating Humor

Man Can’t Live By Bread Alone … Or Can He?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Here’s some bread for some bread at the store.
Bring back change or you’re toast, cause we’re poor.
Get me wheat bread or white,
And I’ll toast it quite light.
But this dough ain’t for anything more.

Technorati Tags: Money Satire, Bread, Food Satire, Shopping, Wordplay Humor

Antique Antics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Is this lampshade antique or just old?
They tell me it’s rare. I’m not sold.
But I had it appraised
And was rather amazed:
It’s worth thousands, though covered in mold.

Technorati Tags: Antiques Humor, Appraisals, Mold, Shopping Fun, Money Satire

A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

Attention guys — it’s time to get ready for Valentine’s Day. After all, you don’t want a repeat of last year, do you? I didn’t think so.

For most men, the very mention of Valentine’s Day conjures up memories of a last minute, fruitless shopping expedition followed by a quarrel with their girlfriend or wife. Women, on the other hand, tend to think romantic thoughts: champagne, dining by candlelight, strolling violinists, and an after-dinner brandy in front of a roaring fireplace. This scenario exists only in their fantasies, mind you. After all, they are dating or married to you.  … (A Valiant Guy’s Guide To Valentine’s Day is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Valentine Day’s Humor, Holiday Fun, Relationship Satire, Battle of the Sexes, Men and Women, Gift Humor, Romance Humor

Open Sesame
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Why on earth are CDs packed so tight?
You can’t hear them without a huge fight.
When you buy a CD
Then your plight is to free
That damn disc. It might take you all night.

Technorati Tags: CDs, Recordings, Music, Records, CD Cases, Discs, Money, Shopping

If you’ve ever visited the delightful Bobbarama, you know that its witty proprietor  posts the occasional Take Two. So, what exactly is a Take Two?  It’s a  battle of the sexes type humor collaboration, in which Bob and a funny female both write about a given topic.

Why am I telling you this?  Because today I’m the female half of Bob’s collaboration, and the topic is shopping. I hope you’ll enjoy my take on shopping with your mate, which is in the form of a multiple choice quiz.  (You’ll find a link to Bob’s take at the end of this post.)

Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate? (Humorous Quiz)
By Madeleine Begun Kane 

One sure way to test a relationship is to shop with your mate. Not only is joint shopping stressful, but it amplifies differences in temperament and taste. It can even lead to bickering, brawls, and mayhem. So take this compatibility quiz now. Or risk being ousted from your favorite boutique.

1. When you arrive at the mall he:

a. Says “Let’s shop together. It’ll be fun.”
b. Says “Meet me in hardware.”
c. Vanishes.

2. In men’s clothing he:

a. Asks your opinion and compliments your taste.
b. Buys a tie he already owns.
c. Bemoans the demise of the leisure suit.

3. In lingerie he:

a. Says you look sexy in an oversized robe.
b. Asks you to model see-through garments too small to identify.
c. Hands you a Wonderbra. … (“Is It Safe To Go Shopping With Your Mate?” is continued here.)

(Click here for Bob’s Shopping Take Two: Shopping For An Excuse To Stay Home, and be sure to meander around his fun site.  But don’t forget to come back here, so you can visit my marriage humor collection.)

Technorati Tags: Shopping Humor, Shopping With Your Spouse, Shopping With Your Husband, Men, Women, Gender Differences Humor

Exchanging gifts, while fun in theory, offers endless potential for aggravation: Thronging crowds, ransacked stores, confusion, indecision, cash depletion and, finally, the belated knowledge that you bought the wrong thing.

And even worse, perhaps, is receiving a spousal gift that you wouldn’t buy for your worst enemy. Well, maybe for your worst enemy, but only if it’s on sale.

But there is a cure for the holiday gift blues. Just substitute this agreement for those subtle hints — the ones that are always either missed or misconstrued. Then kiss that Returns Counter good-bye. This year’s gifts are for keeps.

AGREEMENT entered into this ___________ (Date) by Husband and Wife, hereafter called “Couple.”

WHEREAS, Couple often argues over ill-chosen gifts; and

WHEREAS, a gift giving agreement may save Couple’s marriage and/or reduce return trips to the mall.

NOW, THEREFORE, Couple hereby agrees to these provisions:

GIFTS FOR WIFE:

1. Self-serving gifts shall be avoided. For example, Husband shall not buy Wife the following:
a. Chocolate when Wife is on a diet.
b. Tight clothing meant to encourage Wife to diet.
c. Anything transparent.

2. Husband shall not give Wife practical gifts such as an iron, a dish washer, or a vacuum cleaner… unless husband plans to use them. … (My Mad Gift Giving Guide is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Gift Humor, Gift Giving, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Holiday Gifts, Funny Contracts

Attention, Wal-Mart … Patients?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Wal-Mart is marketing health care
Via clinics in stores. Near the hardware?
You can call me a cynic,
But Wal-Mart based clinics?
My prescription is “Patients Beware.”

Technorati Tags: Wal-Mart Humor, Medical Humor, Health Satire, Healthcare Humor, Health Clinics, Marketing Humor, Patients Humor

“I’m not going in there. No way. Forget it.”

My seventy-something mother’s stance was as rigid as her words; arms folded across her chest, unyielding legs pointed away from the shop I’d just suggested.

She and I had spent the entire afternoon combing through three department stores for the definitive pair of panties. Or at least my mom’s idea of same. This illusive undergarment had to be loose, comfortable, 100% cotton, and totally devoid of lace. And that was just for starters. It also had to completely cover my mother’s hips and come in a large size, the exact number of which she resolutely refused to disclose. … (Secret Shopper is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Mother Humor, Parental Humor, Victoria’s Secret, Underwear Humor, Clothing Humor, Style Humor, Comfortable Clothing, Clothes Shopping, Department Stores