Archive for September, 2017

***** All New LIMERICK-OFF ***** Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: REST or WREST or ARREST at the end of any one line

Saturday, September 16th, 2017

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using REST or WREST or ARREST at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GUILT, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best guilt-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 1, 2017, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 30, 2017 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A fellow attempting to rest,
Told his girlfriend, “Your parrot’s a pest!
“So it’s him or it’s me!”
“I’m setting you free,”
She responded, “Go find a new nest!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (281)

Saturday, September 16th, 2017

At long last (after a lengthy wrist surgery-related hiatus) it’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It used to be great fun to fly,
Soaring thousands of feet in the sky.
But now flying’s a pain,
So I’ll get there by train.
You can say I’m a well-grounded guy.

Congratulations to JEANINE E. SILVERIO, who wins the Special GARDEN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

In his hut next to Chatterley’s garden,
Lady C made her lover’s cock harden.
Flowers twined round his shaft,
In he thrust – fore and aft
(Which was painful until they put lard in.)

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special DOCTOR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A hospital patient named Phil
Thought he’d give the new intern a thrill.
He hoisted his gown,
And she said with a frown:
“That poor little guy caught a chill.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SUMMER-FUN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Where to go on vacation? I choose
To go off on a long ocean cruise.
With the news from D.C.,
It’s important to me
To have access to plenty of booze.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special CAFFEINE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A guy paid for hookers and blow
’Cause he craved stimulation. And so,
His heart was so stressed
It blew up in his chest.
Use caffeine. It’s the safe way to go.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Suzanne Heymann, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GARDENING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“They eat all my plants,” my wife wails,
And leave horrible slithery trails!”
Though the bindweed’s a pain,
I am hoping to train
It to strangle those pestilent snails.

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TRAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Oh, how I do wish I could train
My MD to be kind and not vain!
Why is it that vets
Who look after our pets
Are gentler and far more humane?

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: SUMMER FUN LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DOCTOR LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Young lovers were taking a chance
In the woods for some outdoor romance.
The location they chose
For doffing their clothes
Had lots of green three-leafy plants.

The result was a terrible mess;
A dilemma they had to confess.
Poison Oak left its traces
In various places
Physicians would have to address.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TRAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

In a formal, she thought she could “pass”
And convince her new date she had class —
But it all proved in vain
When she tripped on her train,
Tore her skirt, and revealed her sad ass.

Dave Johnson:

Refusing to fly in a plane,
They boarded a cross-country train.
As it rolled through the states,
They had meals on real plates
And arrived both refreshed and still sane.

Brian Allgar:

He discovered it’s wise to abstain
From blowjobs while flying a plane;
When turbulence hit,
He was violently bit.
The ex-pilot’s now driving a train.

Marty Gerendasy:

Makes no difference how hard I might train,
My old dog won’t go out in the rain.
She’ll start out and then stop
When she sees that first drop.
Which explains why the rug has a stain.

Dave Johnson:

Pelosi and Schumer will train
Their sights on a deal to remain
In the loop and survive;
As they manage to drive
McConnell and Ryan insane.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GARDENING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

A rake who could make women glow
Took up gardening, started to sow,
And was rather amused
That his friend was confused
When he said that he wanted a hoe.

Dave Johnson:

Here’s gardening tip Number One:
Make sure all the implements run.
If your tiller goes down,
Don’t grumble and frown;
A go with a hoe might be fun.

Tim James:

He dons a large hat and his jeans,
Then heads out to attend to his greens.
But his veggies all die
And it’s obvious why:
About gard’ning he doesn’t know beans.

Kirk Miller:

“I’ve been hoeing the garden,” said Kirk.
“It’s important that I never shirk
This foundational task.”
“It’s important?” you ask.
“Well of course, it is groundbreaking work.”

Brian Allgar:

A garden enthusiast, Fred,
Dismembered his wife in the shed
With a circular saw,
Then his mother-in-law,
And planted them both in the bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOCTOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

You’re hoping the surgeon you’re stuck with
Is someone you won’t need to muck with.
If the doc leaves you worse’n
You thought, and you’re cursin’,
He picked the wrong person to fuck with!

Brian Allgar:

My doctor is sadly now late;
The booze and the cigs sealed his fate.
Oh, what was he thinking,
The smoking and drinking?
He’d only just turned ninety-eight.

Dave Johnson’s “Scenes from a medical convention:”

Podiatrists rise to their feet;
Cardiologists won’t skip a beat.
A surgeon explains
His practice takes brains;
Proctologists grab a rear seat.

David Reddekopp:

Trump’s cabinet takes his directions.
His party? It makes no objections.
But what’s really a laugh
Is the doctors on staff
Only know how to doctor elections.

Dave Johnson:

When Donald Trump’s angry and bitter,
His answer is whining on Twitter.
Some doctors would say
“He’s just wired that way…”
I’d say he requires a sitter.

Tim James:

Said the doctor to Madeleine Kane:
“Fits of anger you need to restrain.
It’s a pain in the rump
Watching Fox fluffing Trump.
Punch your screen, though? Next time, please refrain.”

David Reddekopp:

To a crummy old clinic she’d come.
Said the doctor: “What’s wrong? You look glum.”
But the last word was missed
When she said, “My bum wrist.”
And the doctor then checked out her bum.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SUMMER FUN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

A beach in the summer can be
One place to feel totally free.
But some show their wrongs
In Speedos and thongs;
We try, but just cannot unsee.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

My Fickle Memory (Limerick)

Thursday, September 14th, 2017

Dictionary.com’s Word of the Day is mickle. Hence this limerick:

My memory’s terribly fickle;
Can’t recall what words mean. That’s a pickle!
And a big one, at that,
When you wear a scribe’s hat.
what the hell is the meaning of mickle?

Unwanted Advice (Limerick)

Saturday, September 9th, 2017

Giving people unwanted advice
Is a vice I’d avoid; it ain’t nice.
Don’t presume to know more,
Lest you sound like a bore.
“Words of wisdom?” Best keep them on ice.

Ode To Strivers (Limerick)

Friday, September 8th, 2017

An award quite prestigious was given
To a man who had earnestly striven.
Hard work was no bar,
For the prize was a car,
And the diligent fellow was driven.

Hooked On Rhyming (Limerick)

Thursday, September 7th, 2017

I’m a rhymer, a limerick drafter,
A chronic light-poetry crafter.
I’ve been labeled a “card,”
And called “daft,” but not “bard.”
What’s my target? Grins, giggles, and laughter.