Posts Tagged ‘Jane Shelton Hoffman’

Limerick-Off Award (283)

Saturday, October 14th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Fred Bortz:

Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.

Steve Whitred:

Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.

Fred Bortz:

Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.

Neal Starkman:

“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.

Tim James:

A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.

Steve Whitred:

The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”

Will T. Laughlin:

The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”

Randolph Wagner:

An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.

Jane Hoffman:

To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!

Dave Johnson:

The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”

Sharon Neeman:

My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.

Fred Bortz:

The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”

Tim James:

A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.

Dave Johnson:

Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.

Will T. Laughlin:

As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.

Dave Johnson:

With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.

Bruce Niedt:

Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (282)

Saturday, September 30th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny REST-rhyme limerick:

I decided I needed a rest
From that evil fake-President pest,
So I tried to compose
A sweet Ode to a Rose,
But my keyboard is Donald-obsessed.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special GUILT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which one might argue is also a REST-rhyme limerick.

Sharon Neeman:

“Are you sure it’s OK? I’m so stressed,”
Murmured Tom as they kissed and caressed.
“Don’t feel guilty,” said James;
“Mad likes homophone games —
So come here, dear; let’s show her our best!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Dean Geier, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Benko, Bruce Niedt, Will T. Laughlin, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “REST/WREST/ARREST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GUILT LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Hugh Hefner is lying at rest;
To his legacy I can attest.
A lascivious smile
Embodied the style
Where pleasure, when guilty, is best.

Brian Allgar:

The Donald is under arrest!
“I am guilty as charged,” he confessed.
Now he’s rotting in jail
Sewing bags for the mail …
Then I woke from my dream, quite depressed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“REST/WREST/ARREST” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

At the chance for a nap I am leaping;
Into dreamland I soon will be creeping.
As my friends will attest,
I get plenty of rest.
I just never get tired of sleeping.

Byron Miller/aka Errol Nimbly:

When he puts his binocs to the test,
Mr. Thomas can peep with the best.
While concealing his boners,
This deviant loner’s
Adept at evading arrest.

Dean Geier (whose limerick also falls into the “flattery gets you everywhere” category:

From lim’ricks we’ve taken a rest,
But now with a fresh lively zest
We welcome you back.
Let us get back on track!
Mad Kane, you are simply THE BEST!

Sharon Neeman:

Said the cat to the writer hard-pressed:
“Who works harder? I have the best test:
I keep chasing my mouse
All around the damn house,
While yours stays on its pad, safe at rest.”

Brian Allgar:

“Ten commandments on stone! What a pain!
My back is on fire again!
Though thy name shall be blest,
Could you give me a rest?”
“Shut the fuck up! THOU SHALT NOT COMPLAIN!”

Tim James:

Miss Temple’s films weren’t the best,
Though she said they outranked all the rest.
“They were fun, sweet and warm,
And the art’s highest form!”
So I said to her, “Shirley, you jest.”

Steve Benko:

Said the sheriff, “You’re under arrest,
For I’m free at the Donald’s behest.
We’re Knights of the Grail
Putting wetbacks in jail
And we won’t be deterred in our quest.”

Bruce Niedt:

The anchor’s a little distressed –
She wants to stand out from the rest.
She’ll go under the knife
To be larger than life –
With the news she will keep us abreast!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GUILT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, Macbeth! Don’t you feel any guilt
At the ocean of blood you have spilt?
Said Macbeth, “I do not.
For you see, I’m a Scot,
And in Scotland it’s kill or be kilt.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

Early home, I surprised husband Milt.
I could tell right away he felt guilt.
For although he sure tried,
He just couldn’t hide
That curvaceous lump under the quilt.

Kirk Miller:

When the judge stroked his dick out of view
From the lawyers, it steadily grew.
The judge stroked with fury.
“Not guilty,” said jury.
The defendant got off; the judge, too.

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s gold-lust can never be sated;
Just touching it makes him elated.
Every loo he’s had built
Is the proof of his gilt,
And even his shit is gold-plated.

Sharon Neeman:

Drinking cocoa and petting the cat,
Hearing Bach and crocheting a hat,
When it’s rainy and chill
And the boss thinks you’re ill —
What a great guilty pleasure is that!

Steve Whitred:

Some people are weak, some are good
Some do chores in the order they should
Some give in to the yen
To put paper to pen
When they ought to be bucking up wood.

Fred Bortz:

In the sporran’s where he hid the loot,
A goblet, gold plated–a beaut!
But his kilt came unsealed
And his guilt was revealed.
Or was it his gilt? (The point’s moot.)

Dave Johnson:

Their overnight fling ran its course;
How it ended, she wouldn’t endorse.
Awoken alone
By a text on her phone:
“I’m guilty of boner’s remorse.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (264)

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

He poured her a very nice Cab,
But she didn’t drink any, or gab.
And the sex later flopped:
When he poked her, she popped.
It’s no fun when the gal is pre-fab.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special FRUIT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Would you care for an apple?” she cooed.
He didn’t. But not to be rude,
He took a small bite.
God forgave him? Not quite.
Our merciful Lord came unglued.

God raged, and his anger was vicious.
He said what they did was pernicious!
But Adam told Eve,
“Well, I guess we must leave,
But boy was that apple delicious!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Brian Allgar, Steve Earp, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAB” RHYME DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Said the doctor to Barney McNabb,
“Your results have come back from the lab.
Your ataxia’s worse.”
Barney turned to the nurse:
“Did the doctor just call me a cab?”

Brian Allgar:

“I can’t go to the ball, I’m so drab!”
“Don’t worry, dear – Abracadab!”
With a soft, swishing sound
Cinderella was gowned,
And the pumpkin transformed to a cab.

Steve Earp:

Said a girl Trump attempted to grab,
“Get your hands off and call me a cab.”
On encircling her waist
With bravado misplaced,
He was floored by her brutal left jab.

Sue Dulley:

On too many a cold marble slab
In a med school anatomy lab
With a tag on its toes
Lies another of those
Who refused to go home in a cab.

Robert Schechter:

My mother says, “Don’t pick a scab.”
“If you’re drunk, do not drive. Call a cab.”
And she tells Donald Trump,
“When you see a nice rump,
Remember: just look, do not grab!”

Will T. Laughlin:

“I’m drunk,” muttered Rita to Mab,
“You should probably get me a cab.”
Mab, pouring more wine,
Said, “A Cab would be fine,
But this Chardonnay, honey, is fab!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (FRUIT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

I’ll make money. How hard could it be
To grow fruit upon many a tree?
So an orchard I bought,
But the profits were naught.
’Twas a fruitless endeavor for me.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

My body is shaped like a pear.
At other girls’ chests guys would stare.
But I watched their boobs drop,
While mine stayed on top.
Sometimes life does end up being fair.

Tim James:

Out in public the guy was a brute,
And his legions of fans followed suit.
Grabbing privates? That’s lewd.
Though I hate to waste food,
One response crossed my mind: throwing fruit.

Suzanne Heymann:

Cherimoya and Damson and Jambul
And the Salak may seem like a gamble.
There’s the Longan, the Nance–
Go ahead, take a chance.
But you’re wondering, why do I ramble?

The Satsuma will cleanse, not pollute,
And the Yuzu, which smells nice to boot.
All these, plus Rambutan
Don’t have any gluten,
For each of these words is a fruit!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (241)

Saturday, December 12th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RAPHAEL HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse:

There once was a gibbon named Flake,
Whose chimpanzee wife baked a cake.
He grabbed a big hunk.
His wife said, “You skunk,
Our marriage is all gibbon take.”

Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Sue Dulley:

The unit of snow is the ‘flake’
With six points; otherwise it’s a fake.
“No two are the same,”
Is the weatherman’s claim.
But who looks at them all, for Pete’s sake?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Mae Simon, Brian Allgar, Jesse Frankovich, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jon Gearhart, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

The paint on the ceiling would flake
When she screamed. Then her body would quake,
With her toes curling tight.
It capped off quite a night.
You know what? I don’t *care* if it’s fake.

Daisy Mae Simon:

Our neighbor is nice, but a flake.
Each December she makes us fruitcake.
We smile. (She means well.)
We re-gift it (Don’t tell!)
To a GOP-Tea Party snake.

Brian Allgar:

It was snowing, huge flake after flake,
And my windscreen was growing opaque.
She was giving good head,
But she bit me instead
When I hit the emergency brake.

Jesse Frankovich’s Acrostic Limerick:

Four meanings I’ll offer for flake:
Loose, small piece that from something may break;
A unit of snow;
Kooky fruitcake you know;
Early tool that from stone one can make.

Ira Bloom:

A grey goose, a bit of a flake,
Humped a duck in the dark, by mistake.
“I don’t want to pander,
You stupid old gander,”
The duck said. “Besides, I’m a drake.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

She discovered her necklace was fake
When the gold on it started to flake.
The fur was not real,
Her ring, stainless steel,
But her spouse was a genuine snake.

Jon Gearhart:

Now Bob is a bit of a flake.
Goes to sea in a rowboat (a caique).
O’er the side he goes golfin’
Hits eggs at the dolphin
Who’re caught in his fin eggin’ wake.

Dave Johnson

Aunt Martha will quite often bake
Some brownies or maybe a cake.
With her Saturday stop
At the cannabis shop,
There’s magic in every flake.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Seems a break ain’t the same as a brake,
And a sheikh ain’t the same as a shake,
And a stake ain’t the same
As a steak—what a shame!—
But a flake is a flake is a flake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (169)

Sunday, June 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Our lab rat, for cheese, ran 10Ks,
But of late appears lost in a daze.
He has yet to complete
This new task, and won’t eat
If he doesn’t start wending his maze.

And congratulations once again to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“This plant deserves more than okays,”
Rev’rend Spooner said, sparing no praise.
“See its mesh of racemes?
That is part of God’s schemes,
For He works in wisteria’s maze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Brian Allgar, Konrad Schwoerke, Val Fish, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ira Bloom:

The evangelists shouted okays,
To the plot to bring on End of Days,
By converting the Jews.
(When my tribe got the news,
We responded with countless oy veys).

Brian Allgar:

Pascal wouldn’t wait for okays;
His ideas never ceased to amaze.
He would tell the discerning:
“My mind is just burning
With notions – in fact, I’m a Blaise.”

Konrad Schwoerke:

Instead of some paltry okays,
My invention will garner high praise.
It’s a fission pipe lighter;
A real hot igniter,
So surely in glory I’ll blaze.

Val Fish:

A fellow was dating two Kays
And saw them on alternate days.
Double-booked them one night.
An ensuing cat fight
Saw the end of his two-timing ways.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow is dating two Kays
But they differ in notable ways.
One has him dance nude
To build up the mood.
The other one lies there and bays.

Brian Allgar:

The artist pronounced his okays
As he finished the painting with glaze.
But it aged where it hung
While the subject stayed young,
For the portrait was Dorian Gray’s.

Will T. Laughlin:

We applaud when the Head Chef okays
His filets in a veal demi-glaze.
As he sends out the plate,
Cries the maître d’: “Wait!
Mr. Trump says it needs mayonnaise!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (165)

Saturday, May 24th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Robert Schechter:

Said the fiddler who’d broken his bow,
“Have no fear! I’m a consummate pro!
I’ll do what I gotta
With pure pizzicata,
And with pluck I will finish the show!”

Congratulations to KEVIN AHERN and SCOTT CROWDER, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Kevin Ahern:

As he tied up his art with a bow,
The artist declared “I don’t know
How I’ll get to the Louvre
Because I can’t move.
I wish I could make my van Gogh.”

Scott Crowder:

A woman broke up with her beau,
The banker who had lotsa dough,
And gave her gold rings
With other nice things,
Yet nary a single big O.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Colleen Murphy, Ailsa McKillop, Brian Allgar, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

“The hooker’s gone aft!” hollers Beau
As the yacht sinks. Says Jeff, “Let her go.
We have only one oar
In the dinghy. What’s more,
Daddy swore she’s a hard ho to row.”

Colleen Murphy:

I once tried to shoot with a bow,
Then I searched for my shaft to and fro.
I could tell I was not
William Tell when my shot
Found its mark in my neighbor kid’s toe.

Ailsa McKillop:

I undid the ribbon and bow
Of the chess program gift from my bro.
By computer outclassed
I was checkmated fast!
But I won the next match — taekwondo.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, Lenore!” cried her heartbroken beau,
“Shall I see you again?” Poor old Poe
Heard a tap at the door,
And a voice: “Nevermore!”
Thus the raven continued to crow.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The President’s dog is named Bo,
And whenever he’s planning to go
And do something good
Like all doggies should,
The Republican dogs all bark, “NO!!!!!”

Will T. Laughlin:

A woman got dumped by her beau.
“But… why?” she demanded to know.
“To be honest,” he said,
“You’ve no talent for head.”
(Now they’ve BOTH had a terrible blow.)

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A musician was buying a bow
For which instrument he didn’t know.
“If I’m feeling mellow
It might be a cello
But fiddling’s my failing. Let’s go!”

Val Fish:

A woman broke up with her beau
Whose assets were woefully low.
She waved him goodbye
For a far sweeter guy;
Sugar daddy with truck-loads more dough.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (163)

Sunday, May 11th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The plan? Get a stripper to break
Through the icing, and jump from the cake.
But we blew it, I fear.
So remember: next year,
Put the woman in AFTER we bake.

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN and MARK KANE, who tie in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

If you’re in your car, you should brake
Whenever you come to a lake,
Cause cars cannot go
Inside H20,
And you can’t attend your own wake.

Mark Kane:

Dear hubby, please take a short break.
Remember the deal: Give and Take?
I’m sensing your need,
But please don’t proceed,
Until you are sure I’m awake.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Chris Doyle, Steve Whitred, Brian Allgar, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Chris Doyle:

These tools have a bond we can’t break
Since by nature they’re both on the make.
So you’ll see them all day
In the field making hay–
That’s the way of a hoe and a rake.

Steve Whitred:

A golfer could not catch a break
From the bogeys he’d frequently make.
Though his goal was to scratch
Ev’ry hole in the match,
In the end he just couldn’t par take.

Brian Allgar:

Count Dracula, taking a break
At a restaurant, made a mistake.
He thought that ‘filet’
Was the dish of the day,
But they gave him instead a big stake.

Allen Wilcox:

A woman was trying to break
A habit that made her heart ache.
She slept when friends died.
“I can’t help it,” she cried.
“It’s so hard to awake at a wake.”

Tim James:

A bottle blonde just couldn’t break
Her compulsion to go on the make.
The old rich guys she’d bed
Had their egos well fed
‘Cause her hair wasn’t all that she’d fake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (162)

Sunday, May 4th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A British lad, Jack, hunts for guys.
When he’s queried on this, he replies:
“I don’t know what it means.
I’m just drawn to their jeans.
Now they’re calling me ‘Lord of the Flies.’”

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN and COLLEEN MURPHY, who tie in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

He loved his nights out with the guys,
But left early one night — a surprise.
His wife said, “Oh, dear,
Since you were not here,
I tried your best friend on for size.”

Colleen Murphy:

Deliliah kept dating these guys
Who stared at her breasts, not her eyes.
So she wore baggy shirts.
Then if guys were still flirts,
She’d award them the big booby prize.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Judith H. Block, Bob Dvorak, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Kathy El-Assal, and Chris O’Carroll. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

The parents of wee girls and guys
Respond with a thousand replies.
Well, here’s a suggestion:
For every question
“Because” is a word to the “whys.”

Judith H. Block:

A woman was dating three guys.
Each one was a gem. What a prize!
One dazzled her mind,
One musically shined,
And one’s cock was a wonderous size!

Bob Dvorak:

A woman was dating three guys:
A doc; a tycoon; but the prize
Was a lama, undoing
The fun in the screwing.
But she’s healthier, wealthy, and wise.

Tim James:

Miss Uhura was dating three guys
And, when asked if she thought that was wise,
Said, “Why not? Kirk will bed
Any chick who’s not dead.
It’s the essence of free Enterprise!”

Steve Whitred:

A woman was dating three guys,
Thinking each would the other despise.
But she one day, it’s said,
Found all three in her bed,
Which was quite the ménage à surprise.

Kathy El-Assal:

Droll master of stealth and disguise,
Boris Badenov told lots of lies.
He’d dress like a pasha
Rush in with Natasha…
Deflecting attempts to diss spies.

Chris O’Carroll:

Said a gal who was dating three guys,
“In their own ways, they’re all sweetie-pies,
But my days and my nights
Need more spicy delights
Than any one lover supplies.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (159)

Sunday, April 6th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

When you’re singing the Anthem, beware!
Choose the pitch that you start on with care.
Even old Francis Scott
Went off-Key when he got
To the line, “And the rocket’s red glare…”

Congratulations to JANE SHELTON HOFFMAN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was quite unaware
That her spouse had a job at La Bare,
Till she went out with friends
To look at rear ends,
And spotted his sweet derrière.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Chris Doyle, Konrad Schwoerke, Joel Wasinger, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, Christopher Finch Reynolds, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The sign on the gate said “Beware
Of the Shih Tzu” – too tiny to scare.
But the son of the house
Had a Pit Bull, the louse —
I was bit by the dog of the heir!

Chris Doyle:

The hot couple next door to us wear
Not a stitch – mother-naked, buff-bare —
Lounging out by their pool.
Having neighbors is cool
When they’re not such a clothes-minded pair.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My wife disappeared — don’t know where.
To be honest, I really don’t care.
I expect them to leave me,
So this doesn’t peeve me.
My dungeon holds many a spare.

Joel Wasinger:

Her jeans were très chic “tear and wear,”
And she’d mindfully messed up her hair.
Forgive my dissension,
But so much attention
For a look that says, “Meh, I don’t care.”

Sue Dulley:

Rocks and mud slide down hills everywhere,
Airplanes vanish right out of thin air,
And now Windows XP
May quite soon cease to be,
And that really does give me a scare.

Robert Schechter:

Some say there’s an afterlife where
Sweet heavenly tunes fill the air.
But they tell me as well
That there’s also a hell
Where the music is Sonny and Cher.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

The boastful old man was aware
That the top of his head was quite bare:
“It should be quite plain
That the size of my brain
Means that no room is left for my hair.”

Tim James:

My gal disappeared ― don’t know where.
I’ve a nugget of wisdom to share:
With your love, set a goal
Like the one when you bowl
And make sure that you pick up a spare.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (158)

Saturday, March 29th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow whose mortgage was due
Had even more woes than he knew.
His payment, though late,
Was the least of his fate;
His wife and his girlfriend were too.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who (in a tie with himself) wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these two limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

When a crone caused a London to-do
Hiding blades in the heel of her shoe,
And she carved up a dame
In a lav, she became
The old woman who shivved in a loo.

A wildebeest’s blue, and it’s due
To a shortage of does in the zoo.
He doesn’t know when
He’ll be mating again,
So he waits to go wooing a gnu.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Colleen Murphy, Bob Leggett, Chris Doyle, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

Dan’s wife kept her Dippity Do
In a jar on the dresser — Woohoo!
“If it stiffens her hair,”
Wondered Dan, “do I dare?”
Now Dan’s dippity ding-dong is blue.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

It was foggy and thick was the dew,
And I thought it was time for a screw.
When she climbed into bed
And began to give head,
Then like Adam and Eve we both “knew.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

“Stop telling me what I must do!”
The dog thought when caught with a shoe.
“You’ve still got one more
Right there on the floor.
Why not share with me, when there are two?”

Brian Allgar: (“quoting” Moses)

“Stop telling us what we should do!
Commandments? OK, one or two,
But on marble, all ten?
Can’t You just use a pen
On a substance that’s light, like bamboo?”

Colleen Murphy:

The stonehead said, “What shall I do?”
When he looked at his recent tattoo.
See, he realized too late
He had inked the name “Kate,”
But she was the girl, before Sue.

Bob Leggett:

A woman at last got her due
When she got to the head of the queue:
“Your offer I see
Is buy one, get one free.
I would like to buy one single shoe.”

Chris Doyle:

I’m a shepherd with little to do,
As I tend to the flock the night through.
To help me not sleep,
I snuggle a sheep—
My sexy embraceable ewe.

Will T. Laughlin:

His weakness is Tullamore Dew.
If they give him a tumbler or two,
Then his lips will unseal,
And it’s probable he’ll
Tullamore than he knows that he knew.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (157)

Saturday, March 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the convent, once matins are done,
Comes the time before terce is begun.
That’s when Scrabble is played,
‘Cause the abbess has made
Entertainment a sine qua nun.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The fragrance of Spring fills the air!
Birds sing, and the weather is fair;
The sky’s a bright blue
Of a dazzling hue,
And I’m frankly too busy to care.

From their beds the first crocuses climb,
And the early narcissus. While I’m
All alone in the gloom
Of my dimly-lit room
As I make these “Spring” limericks rhyme.

Congratulations to Robert Basler, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow cried, “What have I done!
“I’ve been having hot sex with a nun!
“Yes, I got in the habit —
“Oh my God, oh dagnabbit!
“My sin’s been confessed as a pun!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Joel Wasinger, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A gal got a bit overdone
When she lounged in the buff in the sun.
It imparted a glow
(Please don’t ask how I know)
To the tats on each well-toasted bun.

Joel Wasinger:

“These lim’ricks already cite Donne;
They’ve taken my angle and fun.”
My wife says, “Who cares?
Just add yours to theirs.
‘OverDonne’ is a workable pun.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The big cowboy’s fly was undone.
She thought that she might have some fun.
She wiggled her hips,
Then moistened her lips,
But all that stuck out was his gun.

Brian Allgar:

She protested “My fish isn’t done,
And I’m cold at this table for one.”
Removing her flounder,
The waiter soon found her
An excellent plaice in the sun.

Jon Gearhart:

A woman was feeling undone,
Alone as a party of one.
She tried PC Date
To help find a mate.
Her ‘inbox’ is now overrun.

Will T. Laughlin:

It’s Spring! Let the greenery grow!
And the blossoms, in colorful show,
Explode into flowers!
Because in twelve hours
They’re going to be buried in snow.

Brian Allgar:

“In Springtime”, the naturalist boasted,
“There’s many a field trip I’ve hosted.
We love, as we ramble,
To see the lambs gambol,
And love them still more when they’re roasted.”

Tim James:

It’s cold, and the skies are all gray
And the forecast says sleet’s on the way.
My spirits are sinking;
I think I’ll start drinking
And wait for when Spring starts, in May.

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

Here I romp with my love twixt the heather
With my kilt hiked up high in spring weather.
Neath sun-swirled highland mist
On warm moss, by dew kissed,
We’re exploring those regions called nether.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (153)

Sunday, February 23rd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A caveman would give her a knock
On the head with a stone or a crock,
No romantic palaver …
Today, we are suaver,
And stun them with Tiffany rock.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for these three limericks, each of which received the most Facebook “likes.” (Yes, Chris is in a three-way tie with himself.)

Chris Doyle:

At midnight there came a strange knock,
A tap-tapping that rattled the lock.
‘Twas a crow at the door
Of my store to implore
That I keep Poe’s “The Raven” in stock.

Chris Doyle:

As you’re surfing online, there’s a knock
At the door, then a shout, “Break the lock!”
It’s the Feds, who suppose
You make bombs since you chose
As your tag “the nuke kid on the block.”

Chris Doyle:

My joke, which begins with “Knock, knock,”
Prompts your question “Who’s there?” and then shock
When my “Ivan” to you
Makes you ask, “Ivan who?”
And I say: “Ivan EighteenInchCock.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ailsa McKillop, Steve Whitred, Charley Simmons, Fred Bortz, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A dog who had learned how to knock
Would stop at each door on his block.
He knew not to beg,
So he’d just lift his leg
And if given a treat, no wet sock!

Ailsa McKillop:

The circle all heard a loud knock.
Cried their leader (in black trailing frock):
“Oh spirit, pray speak!”
To her left was a shriek.
That latecomer caused quite a shock.

Steve Whitred:

In Boston a drug cop’s a ‘nawc’
And a prank or a spree is a ‘lawk.’
All the dogs are baroque.
This I swear is no joke:
At the moon they don’t howl, they just ‘Bach.’

Charley Simmons:

A sailor gal heard a loud knock.
At the door, she was in for a shock.
For a flasher was there.
He was smiling and bare,
So she tied a square knot on his cock.

Fred Bortz:

At the séance when I heard the knock,
I was sure it was charlatan schlock.
Then the medium, small,
Loomed quite large after all,
When my late Granny started to talk.

Will T. Laughlin:

You open the door to the knock:
It’s a skeleton holding a clock.
It hits you (too late)
As you go to your Fate
That you ought to have gone to the Doc.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (150)

Sunday, February 2nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A baker went into the red
When his payroll costs came to a head:
“I pay Dad and my brother,
Three aunts and my mother!”
It seems his whole fam’ly’s inbread.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My limerick turned my face red
As lascivious thoughts filled my head.
I’m sure you’d be fonder
Of my double entendre
If I dared to reveal what it said.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kirk Miller, Johanna Richmond, Michael Moulton, Robert Schechter, Jim Delaney, Tim James, Sallie McKenna, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kirk Miller:

A newspaper article read:
In his home, a cartoonist found dead.
Cops will try to find out
How his death came about.
All the details are sketchy, they said.

Johanna Richmond:

My computer was sure it had read
The prime booty for which my heart bled.
So to prove that thing wrong
I spent days searching “thong,”
Then bought white cotton panties instead.

Mike Moulton:

A chicken with plumage bright red
Tried to charm all the hens in a shed.
He said, “I’m a great cock.”
But the rest of the flock
Saw that he was a capon and fled.

Robert Schechter:

Most poets write “Roses are red,”
But I started my love poem instead
“A rose is chartreuse,”
Which is why, I deduce,
I never did get her in bed.

Jim Delaney:

A gal who was very well-read
Tried to tempt a young man to her bed.
But such culture can do less
When Emma is Clueless,
And boys watch the movie instead.

Tim James:

A woman was very well-read
And her topic of choice was sex ed.
“Dr. Kinsey’s her guide,”
Beamed her man, grinning wide.
“She just Masters my Johnson,” he said.

Sallie McKenna:

Old fashioned, she always wore red,
Said it kept her from being well bred;
With Tom, Dick, or Harry
The red kept her chary.
Her “stop” won’t go “green” till she’s wed!

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The canvass was totally red.
“It’s genius!” the art critic said.
How could we agree
When all we could see
Looked the same when we stood on our head?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (134)

Sunday, October 6th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A drive-in’s a marvelous place:
Lots of privacy, plenty of space.
Just forget what’s on-screen
And create your own scene.
If you’re lucky, you’ll touch every base.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy and Steve Whitred, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

Colleen Murphy:

I finished in third to last place
In a fifteen kilometer race.
Of the two folks I beat
There was one with club feet
And the other, his leg in a brace.

Steve Whitred:

They think home is the “weaker sex” place,
And they won’t address issues of race.
If there’s one thing they dread,
It’s two men in a bed.
Say “hello” to the GOP base.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Fred Bortz, and Jane Shelton Hoffman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

The young private at “Mae’s Happy Place”
Saw the pitying look on her face.
“Well it’s clear,” said the whore,
“You’ve not done this before,
Because soldier, you’re way, way off base.”

Fred Bortz:

Mr. Speaker, it’s time to replace
Your obstructionist stance with some grace.
Obamacare’s law.
Your bill sticks in my craw,
And it’s time now to cut to the chase.

A blackmail approach has no place
And your Tea Party wing’s a disgrace.
Fund the government’s work,
Pay our bills — we can’t shirk
Or our country will lose more than face.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman had just lost her place
In line to a big girl named Grace.
Grace elbowed her side
“Move over!” she cried.
“Or else I’ll have to pee in a vase!”

Craig Dykstra:

From the bar, we went back to my place
Where a secretive look crossed her face.
Well it turned out that “she”
Was more well hung than me.
That’s an image I’d like to erase.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (127)

Sunday, August 18th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

When asked why he dated a pair,
The bowler said “Don’t be a square:
My sex drive’s too much
For one girl so, as such,
I will frequently pick up a spare.”

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

When my eagle-eyed kid spied a pair
Of “bunny” ears high in the air,
I commended her keenness
But doubted the genus:
“It’s Chicago —- that must be a hare.”

Congratulations to Mark Kane, Sue Dulley, and Steve Whitred, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

A Bartlett and Bosc, what a pair
Of pears for your pie, if you dare?
Or instead, bake a tart.
Enter both if you’re smart,
As your fare for this year’s country fair.

Sue Dulley:

If you’re baking a pie using pear
To compete in your county Fall Fair,
Bake another to eat
Just to check that it’s sweet,
And a third one – you may wish to share.

Steve Whitred:

To be fair to Mark, pies made with pear
Are a waste if they’re just made to share:
Mad’s averse to pies based
On their texture and taste,
As she’ll swear to all yet unaware.

Sue Dulley:

If our Mark baked a spare filled with pear
Or apple or peach, just to share,
And Mad wouldn’t bite,
It might still be all right—
Friends would flock to their flat for such fare.

Mark Kane:

Did they come for the laughs or the pear?
As they eat, it is clear what we share.
When I run out of pie,
And they leave, I’ll know why:
It’s not me but the fare. That’s not fair!

But one stays, and look at her pair!
I’m grinning, but try not to stare.
She puts down her plate,
And she soon seals my fate,
By getting us both very bare.

(Note from Mad Kane: For anyone suspecting marital bias in Mark’s getting this award, I gave him one, not because we’re married, but in spite of it.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Cyn, Kevin Ahern, Ira Bloom, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

A woman was trying to pare
Her collection of dresses to wear,
For since she’s retired
They won’t be required
(Unless she begins an affair.)

Cyn:

A fellow who tried to repair
A couch that had seen too much wear
Got the job done so wrong
That he claimed, “All along
I was planning to make it a chair.”

Kevin Ahern:

On my trip to Helsinki — despair!
This story I’ve told everywhere:
Our luggage was lost
At a terrible cost.
It vanished right into Finn Air.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who needed a pair,
(His had shrunk, in his wife’s angry glare!)
Was resolved to save face,
And put her in her place,
In his mind. But out loud? Au contraire.

Kirk Miller:

“The national budget I’ll pare,”
Said Dubya, who used lots of flair.
“It makes lots of sense
To cut our defense.
Change the Pentagon into a square!”

Jane Shelton Hoffmann:

A fellow had ordered a pair
Of women to come to his lair:
One blonde, one brunette,
But he seemed to forget
‘Twas a weekend his kids would be there.

Steve Whitred:

Forlornly she fondled his pair.
Then she said with her eyes all a-glare,
“In light of the linkage
Of old age to shrinkage,
I’ll bet that you color your hair.”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fastidious English au pair
With a family who lived in Bel Air
Told the handyman, Paul,
That his tool was too small:
“In love,” she said, “awl is not fair.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (126)

Sunday, August 11th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jim Delaney, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow would often opine:
“You should say what you think; show some spine,
But I’ve frequently found
An opinion’s unsound
If it glaringly differs from mine.”

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The physicist liked to opine
That Schroedinger’s cat was just fine.
Then he opened the box
And alas, shock of shocks,
He discovered a half-dead feline.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brendan Beary, Colleen Murphy, Mary Blackley, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A boy fish was starting to pine
For his missing girl fish, oh so fine.
So where did she go?
Well, all that we know
Is that she’d reached the end of the line.

Brendan Beary:

A fellow would often opine
On the evils of whiskey and wine,
So we townsfolk were tickled
On finding him pickled
As though he’d been soaking in brine.

Colleen Murphy:

The playwright, when panned, would opine
After drinking some glasses of wine,
“May those critics be throttled,
Their attitudes bottled,
And put where the sun doesn’t shine!”

Mary Blackley:

In a barrel handcrafted from pine
A corned beef was basting in brine,
Rye bread and some carrots,
And sixteen large parrots.
Oh, won’t you come over to dine?

Colleen Murphy:

My sister would frequently pine
Over ev’ry last boyfriend of mine.
So I found me another
Whose twin was a brother.
Now the four of us get along fine!

Fred Bortz:

On a lower bunk fashioned of pine,
The trysting pair went to entwine.
They squealed and they wriggled
At least ’til I giggled.
Then they blushed, for the upper was mine.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (125)

Sunday, August 4th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Neal Pattison, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A heel and a ho tried to hie,
But fell in a hole by and by.
The heel dug with a hoe.
The ho climbed heel-and-toe,
And soon they were both high and dry.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes:”

The first time I ever got high
My limerick skills went awry.
My opening rhyme
Seemed OK at the time
But then, like, dude … I was all … whoa …

Congratulations to Fred Bortz and Will T. Laughlin, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Fred Bortz:

The goy in the shul would say “Hi,”
No matter how hard he would try.
He struggled no doubt,
But no “ch” would come out.
For “L’chaim” his throat was too dry.

Will T. Laughlin:

Unless he’s a Scot, I defy ‘im
To manage the ח in: לְחַיִים –
Plus, I’m willing to bet
That the goy’s name is “Chet”
Which explains why the lesson goes by ‘im.

On the other hand (that is, right-to-left)…

hgih si noisufnoc ,miyog su roF
…yrt a werbeH evig ot og ew nehW
,*eh* decnuonorp s’”ehs” roF
,*em* si “ohw” ,*ohw* si “eH”
!*ianoda* decnuonorp s’HVHY dnA

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Puzzle Award, occasionally given to a very clever puzzle in limerick form:

If you hike on a hill and aren’t high
You might give my new puzzle a try,
And for those who don’t walk
Well, you still needn’t balk
On your lateral skills you’ll rely.

From the base of the hill ‘till you’re high
It’s a day trip. I mean to imply
If you start off at 8
You can vary your gait
And reach summit as ev’ning is nigh.

From the camp that you make, up on high
You’ll return the next day, (don’t ask why)
Down the same path you used
So you shan’t be confused
Leave at 8, don’t be late, do or die.

Back at base, the sun’s no longer high.
Now, for bluster and bragging rights vie.
Take a pencil or pen
All you women and men.
Here’s the question I want you to try:

Is the likelihood mid, low, or high
On your trips up and down, bye and bye
You were at the same place
Though you varied your pace
At the same time, on climb and reply.

Since the difficult rating is high
And to show I don’t mean to be sly
“Is it likely or not
You stood on the same spot
On both day’s at Time X and Place Y?”

And congratulations to the two people who managed to solve Steve’s puzzle. Craig Dykstra solved it first, soon followed by Sue Dulley. Here’s Craig’s solution:

To Steve Whitred, I wave and say “Hi.”
And applaud this most challenging guy.
But the answer is clear
And I’ll spell it out here
In the hopes you will understand why.

Steve asked if it’s low, mid or high.
How likely it was that this guy
Would pass the same rock
The same time on the clock
As the previous day he walked by.

The answer is “pretty damn high.”
It’s 100%, and here’s why:
Instead of one man
Let’s use two, Dan and Stan
To identical rules they comply.

At eight, Dan starts low, Stan starts high.
To the other end both guys will fly.
At exactly one place
They must meet face to face
Unless they can logic defy.

So unless you’re exceedingly high,
You can see that both hikes by ONE guy
Must cross the same way
But just off by one day –
Now my work here is done, so good bye.

And here’s Sue’s solution:

The day I hike down from up high
My twin who’s as sluggish as I
Will, at the same time,
Duplicate my ‘up’ climb –
We’ll meet somewhere, at some time, oh my.

The one place, not terribly high
Where we meet on the trail, on the fly,
Determines in space
The one “same-time-same-place”
That Steve’s asking about – would I lie?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Kevin Ahern, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

My five-year old tried to say hi
To a man in a suit and a tie.
When the stuck-up man shunned him
He Taser gun stunned him.
He’s grounded, but what a good-bye!

Sue Dulley:

I knew it was priced way too high,
This silk that I just had to buy.
Cloth collecting’s my sin,
I know I can’t win,
Just hope it ends up in a tie.

Kevin Ahern:

A frog looking up at things high
Thinks the time for philosophy nigh.
His attitude smug,
He’d just caught a bug
And says, “Times fun when you’re having fly.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A prostitute always said, “Hi!”
When trying to pick up a guy.
They thought her so nice,
But SHE meant her price,
So most of the men said, Bye, bye.”

Steve Whitred:

The pirates were all pretty high
When the one with the patch went awry.
He had heard the command
To “deliver and stand”
But acknowledged with only one “aye.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (124)

Sunday, July 28th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bill Klein, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow would frequently play
The field, to his girlfriend’s dismay.
So she got him a date
With a transvestite mate,
And thus made him a queen, for a day.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

To do the Lord’s work while they play,
The ministers gardened all day.
It was hard to decide
On the right pesticide,
‘Til they found the one called Lettuce Spray.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kevin Ahern, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Craig Dykstra, Alan Hochbaum, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A bay horse suspected foul play
When someone kept eating his hay.
It could be the bull,
Who always looked full,
Cause when asked, other horses said, “Neigh!”

Kevin Ahern:

Some people at golf when they play
Think cheating on scores is OK.
These devious folks,
Reducing their strokes,
See NO need to play the fairway.

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who wanted to play
With a woman who lived down the way
Was wasting his time,
For she said to him: “I’m
An actual Gay Divorcée.”

Craig Dykstra:

Janet Jackson got hired to play.
Justin Timberlake joined her that day.
But then with a rip
Came the slip of a nip –
Now the Super Bowl’s shown on delay.

Alan Hochbaum:

A woman suspected foul play
In the death of her donkey Don K.
At the funeral service
Her pastor, most nervous
Said “Everyone bow heads and bray.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Some farmers are charged with fowl play:
They strangled their hens, so they say.
And why in the dickens
Would men choke their chickens?
They just couldn’t get a good lay.

David Lefkovits:

An athlete who wanted to play
Met a girl who would lead him astray.
Said he to the ho:
“Yes I’d like to go pro,
But I really just meant NBA.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (118)

Sunday, June 16th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Tim James, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman quite often arose
In wrath at her sisters and bros.
They arranged her blind dates
With prospective soul mates.
So her life was all butt-ins and beaux.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

From “The Vacuum,” The Cosmos arose,
As every good physicist knows.
I’d explain in this verse,
But the form is too terse.
The Big Bang requires Big Prose.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Magnificently, he arose,
He’s a Greek god right down to his toes…
His serpent allures;
To say he endures
Is to liken the phoenix to crows.

I look up — in his teeth there’s a rose;
What he holds in his hand damn near glows;
Let me die by this stake…
Crap, that’s Ralph: “You awake?
I don’t know where this old flashlight goes.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Jane Shelton Hoffman, J Cosmo Newbery, Steve Whitred, Scott Crowder, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

With fabric, a pale shade of rose,
She made up some curtains and throws.
They didn’t look smart
So she took them apart–
It’s sad when she rips what she sews.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow who frequently rows
Never tells his wife just where he goes.
And her brother’s wife, Sue,
Often disappears too.
A family affair we suppose.

J Cosmo Newbery:

A woman was holding a rose
And the prize that it won in the shows.
And no-one suspected
Her win was connected
With the spot where she buried her beaux.

Steve Whitred:

His first tattoo says “I Love Rose.”
But another says “Bros before Hoes.”
So, his new girl, Inez
Wears a T-shirt that says,
“I’m with stupid”, wherever she goes.

Scott Crowder:

A woman was poked by a rose
And sent into orgasmic throes.
If one little prick,
Can do such a trick,
There’s hope for me too, I suppose.

Will T. Laughlin:

Rose planted her roses in rows,
Her garden to fully enclose.
Rose’s rosy rows rose,
And now nobody knows
When she goes through the rows with her beaux.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (117)

Sunday, June 9th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Robert Schechter, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In Montana, a man with a suit
Is laughed at. They think he’s a hoot!
And they holler with glee
If by chance they should see
That he’s wearing a necktie to Butte.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My neighbor was filing a suit,
Claimed I’d sealed up the holes in his flute.
So I entered a plea,
“With the charge I agree,
But it sounds so much better on mute.”

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick. (Here’s some info about the case Steve’s describing in his limerick.)

My fav’rite Nebraskan filed suit
Against God, with intent to impute
That he caused to transpire
Floods, earthquakes and fire.
For his part, the Yahweh was mute.

The judge promptly threw out the suit,
Saying God had no street or rur’l route,
And the bench then observed
Though the lord must be served,
“We’ve no viable means of pursuit.”

So the plaintiff’s appealing the suit,
Says “The grounds for dismissal are moot.
We’re subpoena foregoing.
Jehovah’s all knowing.
We shouldn’t his presence dispute.”

Then the high court vacated his suit,
Though the brief they reviewed was astute.
Now he’s known as the hater
Who sued the Creator
From Oshkosh to Lincoln to Butte.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Colleen Murphy, Johanna Richmond, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Sue Dulley, Robert Schechter, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Scott Crowder:

If you see me dressed up in a suit
And looking refined and astute,
With pants neatly creased,
I must be deceased,
In which case I won’t give a hoot.

Colleen Murphy:

A tomato was filing a suit,
Claimed the farmer had called him a “Fruit.”
The judge said, “True ref’rence,
Though not as to pref’rence.
The point of the matter is moot.”

Johanna Richmond:

No matter the price of the suit;
When that back-talking Maximus (Glute)
Throws his cares to the wind,
Rich and poor are chagrined.
Mighty mouth of the south, I salute.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A Senator wearing a suit
Was a right wing, religious old coot.
He’d profess, “Guns don’t kill!
But if you’ve got some skill,
When a thug comes around, you should shoot!”

Sue Dulley:

A man all dressed up in a suit
Caught the train for his morning commute.
His outfit, so formal,
Was looked on as normal
By others who took the same route.

Robert Schechter:

Said a man who was hit by a suit:
“I suppose I was far from astute.
I taunted, ‘So sue me!’
He did. Now I’m gloomy.
It’s wiser, at times, to stand mute.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Our limerick rhyme-word is “suit”:
Here’s the worst one — and that’s absolute.
It’s intended in fun,
So I beg: when I’m done,
Would you kindly not hurl rotten fruit?

I’m told that some Hollywood suit
Pitched a biopic: “Hawley and Smoot”.
Smoot never would bend
To the Hollywood trend,
But Hawley would. Ain’t THAT a beaut?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!