Limerick Vice (Limerick-Off Monday)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:
A fellow with many a vice…*
or
A gal who was free with advice…*
or
A fellow had bought a device…*
or
A fellow was using a vise…*
*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)
Here’s my limerick:
Limerick Vice
By Madeleine Begun Kane
A fellow with many a vice
Was, needless to say, not too nice;
When warned by his doc,
He’d scorn and he’d mock.
Now he’s mournfully paying the price.
Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Advice Limerick, Competition Limerick, Health Limericks, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Writing Prompts
A fellow had bought a device
Intended for husking brown rice.
But he altered the setting
Then added some netting
And found the sensation quite nice.
With pride, I indulge in each vice,
Although anger and greed are not nice,
Nor are gluttony, sloth;
Envy’s fouler than both;
But lust – there’s a sin to entice!
Her legs had a grip like a vise,
And he knew that he should have thought twice
Before putting his head
Where her urgings had led –
Now he needed a breathing device.
Dr Spooner had only one vice.
He could easily order “Fried Rice”,
But his tongue would get stuck
When he ordered “Fried Duck”;
What they served him was not very nice.
The Captain gave friendly advice:
“Drink up, folks, it’s all in the price!”
The party was manic
Aboard the “Titanic”;
The guests were all breaking the ice.
The magician had built a device
That would help him break free in a trice
From a water-filled tank,
But instead, he just sank.
It’s a trick that he won’t perform twice
The slimmer had one secret vice:
Though her diet was plain boiled rice,
Her tummy was bulging
From over-indulging
Her craving for chocolate mice.
“Our girls will not offer you vice” –
The casino’s house rules were precise.
One guy, shooting craps,
Said “A cock-tail, perhaps?”
But the waitress insisted “No dice”.
While using a woodworking vise
My wossname got caught in it – nice!
So that bulge in my jeans
Isn’t rude, it just means
That I’m soothing the wound with some ice.
Said the Governor, “Your criminal vice
And your murders were not at all nice.
Though our lethal injections
Have some imperfections,
An hour or two should suffice.”
A guy with many a vice
Was fast at tossing the dice.
Quick as a dash
He laid down his cash
But always he paid a big price.
A fellow with many a vice
Out of life he took a big slice
He slept with the gals
And made them his pals
And always he went around twice.
A fellow with many a vice
Out of life he took a big slice.
He slept with the gals
And made them his pals
They said, “You can only manage it twice?”
I was working for Miami Vice,
And the street-girls knew how to entice.
Said a couple of hookers,
“Please, Captain, don’t book us –
Your nightstick will get something nice.”
I neglected that sterling advice:
“Better mousetraps require dumber mice.”
But they’re stealing my cheese
With the greatest of ease,
For they’ve learnt how to hack my device.
Going to have just one good vice?
Then sex is the one to entice!
If you pick the right guy,
You’ll have fun don’t be shy!
Your life will be a paradise!
A woman had bought a device
Seeking something naughty but nice
Oh my how she wailed
When the off switch failed
Let’s just say she came more than twice.
A fellow with many a vice
Thought nothing of rolling the dice.
His luck runneth out
With an STD bout,
And not only that — he had lice!
A fellow with many a vice
Promised to repent in a trice
After one more of each
I swear, I could teach
Others how best to be nice.
A fellow with many a vice
Would black out and forget being nice
“But that wasn’t me,
Darling can’t you see,
Rationalisation’s the price.”
A fellow with many a vice
Finally did pay the price
He still lives with his mother
Can win over no other
His liver will kill him soon – nice!
Just one this week…
“Writing limericks, my love, is a vice,”
Says my wife, “And you’ll pay a stiff price.
Spending all of your time
Crafting meter and rhyme
Means that I’m growing colder than ice.”
A fellow had bought a device
Sold to him to make gold out of rice
He cooked it and milled it
And blanched it and grilled it
No gold but it did entice mice !!
THE STUDENT’S LAMENT
With the Prof I committed a vice.
A geology ‘A’ was my price.
But I DON’T think his cock
Is as hard as a rock;
I was saying that just to be gneiss.
“I’ve placed an explosive device
On the Streetcar. So pay me my price!
If the Streetcar is slowed,
Blanche du Bois will explode…”
(Boy, this remake’s a big pile of scheiss.)
In case my editor is watching:
My inner boss has this advice.
You may limerick-off once or twice.
Any more and he curses,
That he’ll choke my vice, verses.
I can’t let my book pay the price.
The restaurant critic’s advice:
Don’t eat at Gung Ho’s even twice.
Their sauce can be hot,
But not so the pot.
Salmonella may lurk in the rice.
Mad Kane on her blog has advice
On the way we can “limerick” nice
This “clap as you write”
Can really excite
(But I’ve STILL had to write this shit TWICE!!)
Against her old mother’s advice,
A young girl did it once, twice, and thrice.
Said she, “Let’s rejoice.
It’s a matter of choice.
I’d rather be naughty than nice.
Rev’rend Spooner was giving advice–
From the rich to the poor is quite nice.
Robin Hood?–he had luck,
But not with Friar Tuck.
His advisee’s response was like ice
Advice On ice
A fellow with many a vice
Was willing to pay a high price
For leading edge shrinks
To work out his kinks
But, seeking advice was a vice.
Tired of living a life of vice
She went to her priest for advice
‘You must renounce your sin
But before you begin
One last performance would be nice’.
Ice Saw A Bloke Cool Down
A hot gal so free with advice
Complained that her lover lacked spice
He deepfreezed his flat
Got rid of the cat
And carved a cool chick from block ice.
Needing Advice
A young chef who bought a device
To bleach his baked beans and his rice
Did not understand
The meaning of bland
Till broiled in some spicy advice.
Doctor Spooner gave wedding advice
While sprinkling confetti and rice.
“In a few wasteful turds,
May you boo like the Kurds,
May your children be night-filled and lice.”
A fellow brought home a device
He hoped would suffice to entice,
His lady in waiting,
With fun AFTER mating.
Cuz this postman; he only comes twice.
Mr. Paine put his balls in a vise.
“Ah!” he said. “That’s feeling quite nice.
I’m a masochist, you see.
I just love hurting me,”
He screamed once. No, two times, then thrice.
(This one’s for my fellow cult-film addicts:)
Who’s your favorite Kingpin of Vice?
Klein-Rogge’s Mabuse, or Preiss?
Jack Taylor’s Mabuse
(Of course) is the loser,
But either of Lang’s will suffice.
(References, for those who care:
IMDB
IMDB
IMDB
And it’s Ma-BOO-zuh.)
HEIDI-HO
Attracted by Hollywood vice,
Men swarmed to her brothel like mice.
So, what kept them staying?
You know the old saying:
“Time’s fun when we’re all having Fleiss.”
SHORTER DICK CHENEY*
Blame Obama, declares the ex-Vice.
Blame Hillary. Blame Susan Rice.
The Benghazi attack?
Nah. He means for IRAQ —
Let’s invade, and to hell with the price.
* (Actually, that’s a pretty good nickname for him…)
A voyeur prepared a device
For purposes not very nice
And in manner quite rude
Ladies privates he viewed
Till somebody called the Po-LICE
I’ve seen for the tool the word “vice”.
That’s wrong and it doesn’t suffice.
Don’t exchange “S” for “C”
Or you’ll answer to me!
(Though, I’ve done it myself, onse or twise!)
wrote:
Truth be told, I have only one vice,
A small quirk that, for me, adds some spice.
It’s not thousand foot drops,
Or a fistfight with cops;
What I love is to skate on thin ice.
A fellow with many a vice,
Did gamble and loved using dice.
She blew breath on those cubes
And he noticed her boobs;
Roulette with a fun touch of spice!
A fellow with many a vice,
Wrote a book that explained it quite nice.
Chris Plummer, the actor,
Was, with women, a factor;
To seduce, he just sang “Edelweiss”
A smoke after sex is my vice
The cost of which isn’t too nice.
I’ve finally cut back
From 3 to 2 pack
A day. Still, it’s cum at high price!!
I’ve always hungered for vice.
I’m tired of being so nice.
I wanna give in
To the wages of sin.
But maybe just once or just twice.
Writing limericks just might be a vice,
And will seldom add amorous spice,
But my wife is sure glad
I’m not out being bad
Like the past where I had (once or twice).
Konrad,
Just tell her that you’d never cheat her,
But honestly, nothing is sweeter
For limerick-writers
Than spending all-nighters
With girls who admire your meter.
There’s a woman I’d like to entice
To my bed for a night of hot spice.
She says there’s one thing;
She first wants a ring,
A white gown and some throwing of rice.
Gee, Brian: it could be my age,
But I seem to have bypassed that stage.
If I’m hoping for action,
I don’t get much traction
From words that I put on a page.
I’ll ask my wife, “What do you think
Of this verse I just wrote?” First she’ll blink;
Then she’ll hand me some cash
From her personal stash,
And say, “Find some loose women. Or drink.”
(Another bit of “recycling” …)
Miranda knew nothing of vice,
And her swimsuit was modestly nice,
But the guys queued for fucks:
“Special offer, five bucks!”
She’d forgotten to take off the price
A fellow with many a vice
Broke rules much more than just twice.
He ignored the rules
And failed all the schools.
He wouldn’t accept your advice.
A gal who was free with advice
Was Minnie, the queen of the mice.
From school she bugged out,
Despite Mickey’s shout,
And ran through the fields of wet lice.
Politicos share the same vice.
It’s power, whatever the price.
They’ll cater their views
Depending on who’s
In the crews they must schmooze and entice.
I’d like to impart some advice:
When lights from casinos entice,
Don’t shoot craps like you drink
Or you’ll land in the clink
For loading yourself and the dice!
The young man who wallowed in vice
Met a gal who said she was nice.
But she was a trollop
Who gave him a wallop,
Took his dough, was gone in a trice.
Ms. Smithington had a device
To locate rocks beneath the ice.
She thought it cathartic
That while in the Antarctic
She found rocks. She said it was gneiss.
Mr. Fuzz just transferred to vice.
His pals offered this sound advice.
Keep your hands off the perps
For they’re nasty, vile twerps
And you may catch their crabs or their lice.
Stephanie bought a device —
“As sold on TV” merchandise.
The quality unspoken,
One use, it was broken
Twas not worth the shipping price.
When Rex shared his sexual vice
To be bitten, most told him no dice,
But then he met Kitten.
With her he’s quite smitten.
Once shy, but she’s now bitten twice!
I’ve seen all the toilet advice
That’s said to be wise and concise:
“Keep yellow around,
While brown should be downed,
But green needs a Doc in a trice!!”
Brian scores directly, but
Will will still, um, get his nut…
Cuz his wife thinks his verses are turds,
She pays him to get lost, so he girds
Up his loins, and he goes,
With her coins, to buy hos;
Where there’s Will, there’s a way with his words.
Her face appears smashed in a vise,
And her boobs and her bootie ain’t nice.
She has crabs on her scabs,
And her scabs’ crabs’ have crabs,
And I hear that her crabs’ crabs have lice!
If whores represent your worst vice,
Don’t assume “best” is always “top price”.
The highest priced ho
Might really be Joe.
In the end, he and price might screw twice!
A man bought his wife a device
In his absence, for her needs to suffice
She said it was thrilling
But broke all her fillings
She switched to cucumbers, unsliced
A gal who gave awful advice
Explained how to get rid of mice.
“Once they are chosen,
Placed in ice trays and frozen,
Make mice cubes and use them as dice.”
Mine is on the blog – at Nickers and Ink. Thanks for the prompt! Glad to be back.
Advice on ice
There are many who offer advice
Regarding behavior, our sins, and vice
Do as you will
But cause others no ill
Is a maxim that will generally suffice
A gal who was free with advice
(It just came out, she didn’t think twice)
Said: “Just roll the bones,”
Her best friend now owns
A factory of spice in a trice.
A fellow has built a device
Which humanely deals with mice.
By translating to squeaks
Analytic techniques
It encourages them to be nice.
Version 2 funnier?
She is perfect except for one vice,
Like a wedding cake missing a slice:
In that last thrust of hips
When hot curses pass lips,
Siri drones, “Sir, that’s not very nice.”
Dear John, Seems your mobile device
Is your true love, our courtship the price
Of your need for an ear
Ev’ry minute. And dear…
At least Siri can’t catch pubic lice.
Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 170.
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Sweet Limerick.