Limerick Vice (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow with many a vice…*

or

A gal who was free with advice…*

or

A fellow had bought a device…*

or

A fellow was using a vise…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Vice
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow with many a vice
Was, needless to say, not too nice;
When warned by his doc,
He’d scorn and he’d mock.
Now he’s mournfully paying the price.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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73 Responses to “Limerick Vice (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. A fellow had bought a device
    Intended for husking brown rice.
    But he altered the setting
    Then added some netting
    And found the sensation quite nice.

  2. Brian Allgar says:

    With pride, I indulge in each vice,
    Although anger and greed are not nice,
    Nor are gluttony, sloth;
    Envy’s fouler than both;
    But lust – there’s a sin to entice!

  3. Brian Allgar says:

    Her legs had a grip like a vise,
    And he knew that he should have thought twice
    Before putting his head
    Where her urgings had led -
    Now he needed a breathing device.

  4. Brian Allgar says:

    Dr Spooner had only one vice.
    He could easily order “Fried Rice”,
    But his tongue would get stuck
    When he ordered “Fried Duck”;
    What they served him was not very nice.

  5. Brian Allgar says:

    The Captain gave friendly advice:
    “Drink up, folks, it’s all in the price!”
    The party was manic
    Aboard the “Titanic”;
    The guests were all breaking the ice.

  6. Brian Allgar says:

    The magician had built a device
    That would help him break free in a trice
    From a water-filled tank,
    But instead, he just sank.
    It’s a trick that he won’t perform twice

  7. Brian Allgar says:

    The slimmer had one secret vice:
    Though her diet was plain boiled rice,
    Her tummy was bulging
    From over-indulging
    Her craving for chocolate mice.

  8. Brian Allgar says:

    “Our girls will not offer you vice” -
    The casino’s house rules were precise.
    One guy, shooting craps,
    Said “A cock-tail, perhaps?”
    But the waitress insisted “No dice”.

  9. Brian Allgar says:

    While using a woodworking vise
    My wossname got caught in it – nice!
    So that bulge in my jeans
    Isn’t rude, it just means
    That I’m soothing the wound with some ice.

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    Said the Governor, “Your criminal vice
    And your murders were not at all nice.
    Though our lethal injections
    Have some imperfections,
    An hour or two should suffice.”

  11. John Sardo says:

    A guy with many a vice
    Was fast at tossing the dice.
    Quick as a dash
    He laid down his cash
    But always he paid a big price.

  12. John Sardo says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Out of life he took a big slice
    He slept with the gals
    And made them his pals
    And always he went around twice.

  13. John Sardo says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Out of life he took a big slice.
    He slept with the gals
    And made them his pals
    They said, “You can only manage it twice?”

  14. Brian Allgar says:

    I was working for Miami Vice,
    And the street-girls knew how to entice.
    Said a couple of hookers,
    “Please, Captain, don’t book us -
    Your nightstick will get something nice.”

  15. Brian Allgar says:

    I neglected that sterling advice:
    “Better mousetraps require dumber mice.”
    But they’re stealing my cheese
    With the greatest of ease,
    For they’ve learnt how to hack my device.

  16. Judith H. Block says:

    Going to have just one good vice?
    Then sex is the one to entice!
    If you pick the right guy,
    You’ll have fun don’t be shy!
    Your life will be a paradise!

  17. Val Fish says:

    A woman had bought a device
    Seeking something naughty but nice
    Oh my how she wailed
    When the off switch failed
    Let’s just say she came more than twice.

  18. Allen Wilcox says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Thought nothing of rolling the dice.
    His luck runneth out
    With an STD bout,
    And not only that — he had lice!

  19. Jen Harris says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Promised to repent in a trice
    After one more of each
    I swear, I could teach
    Others how best to be nice.

  20. Jen Harris says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Would black out and forget being nice
    “But that wasn’t me,
    Darling can’t you see,
    Rationalisation’s the price.”

  21. Jen Harris says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Finally did pay the price
    He still lives with his mother
    Can win over no other
    His liver will kill him soon – nice!

  22. Chris Doyle says:

    Just one this week…

    “Writing limericks, my love, is a vice,”
    Says my wife, “And you’ll pay a stiff price.
    Spending all of your time
    Crafting meter and rhyme
    Means that I’m growing colder than ice.”

  23. A fellow had bought a device
    Sold to him to make gold out of rice
    He cooked it and milled it
    And blanched it and grilled it
    No gold but it did entice mice !!

  24. THE STUDENT’S LAMENT

    With the Prof I committed a vice.
    A geology ‘A’ was my price.
    But I DON’T think his cock
    Is as hard as a rock;
    I was saying that just to be gneiss.

  25. “I’ve placed an explosive device
    On the Streetcar. So pay me my price!
    If the Streetcar is slowed,
    Blanche du Bois will explode…”
    (Boy, this remake’s a big pile of scheiss.)

  26. Fred Bortz says:

    In case my editor is watching:

    My inner boss has this advice.
    You may limerick-off once or twice.
    Any more and he curses,
    That he’ll choke my vice, verses.
    I can’t let my book pay the price.

  27. Fred Bortz says:

    The restaurant critic’s advice:
    Don’t eat at Gung Ho’s even twice.
    Their sauce can be hot,
    But not so the pot.
    Salmonella may lurk in the rice.

  28. Jon Gearhart says:

    Mad Kane on her blog has advice
    On the way we can “limerick” nice
    This “clap as you write”
    Can really excite
    (But I’ve STILL had to write this shit TWICE!!)

  29. Allen Wilcox says:

    Against her old mother’s advice,
    A young girl did it once, twice, and thrice.
    Said she, “Let’s rejoice.
    It’s a matter of choice.
    I’d rather be naughty than nice.

  30. Allen Wilcox says:

    Rev’rend Spooner was giving advice–
    From the rich to the poor is quite nice.
    Robin Hood?–he had luck,
    But not with Friar Tuck.
    His advisee’s response was like ice

  31. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    Advice On ice

    A fellow with many a vice
    Was willing to pay a high price
    For leading edge shrinks
    To work out his kinks
    But, seeking advice was a vice.

  32. Val Fish says:

    Tired of living a life of vice
    She went to her priest for advice
    ‘You must renounce your sin
    But before you begin
    One last performance would be nice’.

  33. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    Ice Saw A Bloke Cool Down

    A hot gal so free with advice
    Complained that her lover lacked spice
    He deepfreezed his flat
    Got rid of the cat
    And carved a cool chick from block ice.

  34. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    Needing Advice

    A young chef who bought a device
    To bleach his baked beans and his rice
    Did not understand
    The meaning of bland
    Till broiled in some spicy advice.

  35. Brian Allgar says:

    Doctor Spooner gave wedding advice
    While sprinkling confetti and rice.
    “In a few wasteful turds,
    May you boo like the Kurds,
    May your children be night-filled and lice.”

  36. Mark Kane says:

    A fellow brought home a device
    He hoped would suffice to entice,
    His lady in waiting,
    With fun AFTER mating.
    Cuz this postman; he only comes twice.

  37. CJ@ProArtz says:

    Mr. Paine put his balls in a vise.
    “Ah!” he said. “That’s feeling quite nice.
    I’m a masochist, you see.
    I just love hurting me,”
    He screamed once. No, two times, then thrice.

  38. (This one’s for my fellow cult-film addicts:)

    Who’s your favorite Kingpin of Vice?
    Klein-Rogge’s Mabuse, or Preiss?
    Jack Taylor’s Mabuse
    (Of course) is the loser,
    But either of Lang’s will suffice.

    (References, for those who care:
    IMDB
    IMDB
    IMDB

    And it’s Ma-BOO-zuh.)

  39. HEIDI-HO

    Attracted by Hollywood vice,
    Men swarmed to her brothel like mice.
    So, what kept them staying?
    You know the old saying:
    “Time’s fun when we’re all having Fleiss.”

  40. SHORTER DICK CHENEY*

    Blame Obama, declares the ex-Vice.
    Blame Hillary. Blame Susan Rice.
    The Benghazi attack?
    Nah. He means for IRAQ –
    Let’s invade, and to hell with the price.

    * (Actually, that’s a pretty good nickname for him…)

  41. Diane Groothuis says:

    A voyeur prepared a device
    For purposes not very nice
    And in manner quite rude
    Ladies privates he viewed
    Till somebody called the Po-LICE

  42. Jon Gearhart says:

    I’ve seen for the tool the word “vice”.
    That’s wrong and it doesn’t suffice.
    Don’t exchange “S” for “C”
    Or you’ll answer to me!
    (Though, I’ve done it myself, onse or twise!)

  43. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    wrote:
    Truth be told, I have only one vice,
    A small quirk that, for me, adds some spice.
    It’s not thousand foot drops,
    Or a fistfight with cops;
    What I love is to skate on thin ice.

  44. Debbie says:

    A fellow with many a vice,
    Did gamble and loved using dice.
    She blew breath on those cubes
    And he noticed her boobs;
    Roulette with a fun touch of spice!

  45. Debbie says:

    A fellow with many a vice,
    Wrote a book that explained it quite nice.
    Chris Plummer, the actor,
    Was, with women, a factor;
    To seduce, he just sang “Edelweiss”

  46. Jon Gearhart says:

    A smoke after sex is my vice
    The cost of which isn’t too nice.
    I’ve finally cut back
    From 3 to 2 pack
    A day. Still, it’s cum at high price!!

  47. I’ve always hungered for vice.
    I’m tired of being so nice.
    I wanna give in
    To the wages of sin.
    But maybe just once or just twice.

  48. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Writing limericks just might be a vice,
    And will seldom add amorous spice,
    But my wife is sure glad
    I’m not out being bad
    Like the past where I had (once or twice).

  49. Brian Allgar says:

    Konrad,

    Just tell her that you’d never cheat her,
    But honestly, nothing is sweeter
    For limerick-writers
    Than spending all-nighters
    With girls who admire your meter.

  50. There’s a woman I’d like to entice
    To my bed for a night of hot spice.
    She says there’s one thing;
    She first wants a ring,
    A white gown and some throwing of rice.

  51. Gee, Brian: it could be my age,
    But I seem to have bypassed that stage.
    If I’m hoping for action,
    I don’t get much traction
    From words that I put on a page.

    I’ll ask my wife, “What do you think
    Of this verse I just wrote?” First she’ll blink;
    Then she’ll hand me some cash
    From her personal stash,
    And say, “Find some loose women. Or drink.”

  52. Brian Allgar says:

    (Another bit of “recycling” …)

    Miranda knew nothing of vice,
    And her swimsuit was modestly nice,
    But the guys queued for fucks:
    “Special offer, five bucks!”
    She’d forgotten to take off the price

  53. Marty McCullen says:

    A fellow with many a vice
    Broke rules much more than just twice.
    He ignored the rules
    And failed all the schools.
    He wouldn’t accept your advice.

    A gal who was free with advice
    Was Minnie, the queen of the mice.
    From school she bugged out,
    Despite Mickey’s shout,
    And ran through the fields of wet lice.

  54. Jon Gearhart says:

    Politicos share the same vice.
    It’s power, whatever the price.
    They’ll cater their views
    Depending on who’s
    In the crews they must schmooze and entice.

  55. Jon Gearhart says:

    I’d like to impart some advice:
    When lights from casinos entice,
    Don’t shoot craps like you drink
    Or you’ll land in the clink
    For loading yourself and the dice!

  56. Tom Harris says:

    The young man who wallowed in vice
    Met a gal who said she was nice.
    But she was a trollop
    Who gave him a wallop,
    Took his dough, was gone in a trice.

  57. Tom Harris says:

    Ms. Smithington had a device
    To locate rocks beneath the ice.
    She thought it cathartic
    That while in the Antarctic
    She found rocks. She said it was gneiss.

  58. CJ@ProArtz says:

    Mr. Fuzz just transferred to vice.
    His pals offered this sound advice.
    Keep your hands off the perps
    For they’re nasty, vile twerps
    And you may catch their crabs or their lice.

  59. CJ@ProArtz says:

    Stephanie bought a device —
    “As sold on TV” merchandise.
    The quality unspoken,
    One use, it was broken
    Twas not worth the shipping price.

  60. Jon Gearhart says:

    When Rex shared his sexual vice
    To be bitten, most told him no dice,
    But then he met Kitten.
    With her he’s quite smitten.
    Once shy, but she’s now bitten twice!

  61. Jon Gearhart says:

    I’ve seen all the toilet advice
    That’s said to be wise and concise:
    “Keep yellow around,
    While brown should be downed,
    But green needs a Doc in a trice!!”

  62. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    Brian scores directly, but
    Will will still, um, get his nut…

    Cuz his wife thinks his verses are turds,
    She pays him to get lost, so he girds
    Up his loins, and he goes,
    With her coins, to buy hos;
    Where there’s Will, there’s a way with his words.

  63. Jon Gearhart says:

    Her face appears smashed in a vise,
    And her boobs and her bootie ain’t nice.
    She has crabs on her scabs,
    And her scabs’ crabs’ have crabs,
    And I hear that her crabs’ crabs have lice!

  64. Jon Gearhart says:

    If whores represent your worst vice,
    Don’t assume “best” is always “top price”.
    The highest priced ho
    Might really be Joe.
    In the end, he and price might screw twice!

  65. Bill Klein says:

    A man bought his wife a device
    In his absence, for her needs to suffice
    She said it was thrilling
    But broke all her fillings
    She switched to cucumbers, unsliced

  66. CJ@ProArtz says:

    A gal who gave awful advice
    Explained how to get rid of mice.
    “Once they are chosen,
    Placed in ice trays and frozen,
    Make mice cubes and use them as dice.”

  67. Mine is on the blog – at Nickers and Ink. Thanks for the prompt! Glad to be back.

    Advice on ice

  68. John Armstrong says:

    There are many who offer advice
    Regarding behavior, our sins, and vice
    Do as you will
    But cause others no ill
    Is a maxim that will generally suffice

  69. P Diane Schneider says:

    A gal who was free with advice
    (It just came out, she didn’t think twice)
    Said: “Just roll the bones,”
    Her best friend now owns
    A factory of spice in a trice.

  70. Andrew Ryan says:

    A fellow has built a device
    Which humanely deals with mice.
    By translating to squeaks
    Analytic techniques
    It encourages them to be nice.

  71. Johanna Richmond says:

    Version 2 funnier?

    She is perfect except for one vice,
    Like a wedding cake missing a slice:
    In that last thrust of hips
    When hot curses pass lips,
    Siri drones, “Sir, that’s not very nice.”

  72. Johanna Richmond says:

    Dear John, Seems your mobile device
    Is your true love, our courtship the price
    Of your need for an ear
    Ev’ry minute. And dear…
    At least Siri can’t catch pubic lice.

  73. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 170.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Sweet Limerick.