Sweet Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man in the mood for a sweet…*

or

A gal who was cloyingly sweet…*

or

A fellow who rented a suite…*

or

The cellist was playing a suite…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Sweet Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman had rented a suite
On a cruise that was far from elite:
Slow service, no sweets
On her pillow, bad eats.
But at least all the bedbugs were fleet.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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96 Responses to “Sweet Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Phyllis L says:

    The cellist was playing a suite;
    She thought her performance was neat.
    But how could it be?
    For she was off key.
    Her sour notes didn’t sound sweet.

  2. Fred Bortz says:

    RuPaul and her guy-gals look sweet,
    Running drag races down Castro Street.
    Their number one fans:
    Frisco’s main Thom McAn’s,
    Which sells heels for their size thirteen feet.

  3. Chris Doyle says:

    Ferlinghetti thinks status is sweet,
    And for Ginsberg, renown is a treat.
    But Jack Kerouac’s fame
    Brings abashment and shame:
    He’s becoming, well, read as a Beat.

  4. Jon Gearhart says:

    Come on now, let’s hurry, tout de suite!
    Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, mon petit?
    I don’t have all night.
    You don’t answer me right,
    I’ll link pics in a birthday suit tweet!

  5. Kirk Miller says:

    It is something she thinks is quite sweet
    In Miami, to get lots of meat.
    The players all score.
    She’ll lay-up for more,
    ‘Cause the woman can take all the Heat!

  6. Fred Bortz says:

    “When you rent the clothes-optional suite,”
    Warned the landlady in her brief tweet,
    “If a gal and a dude
    Want their leases re-nude,
    They must not be seen from the street.”

  7. Jon Gearhart says:

    Little Willy by a band called The Sweet
    Was a smashing hot lyrical treat
    When it was brand new
    Back in ’72
    And I still find it’s worth the repeat.

  8. Jon Gearhart says:

    If your gal is hot and to boot sweet
    Like a small cup of lemon tea fruit, treat
    Her well and get ready
    She might wear a teddy
    To bed and give you a tout de suite!

  9. Jon Gearhart says:

    I give her a Valentine sweet
    Of hot fudge. It was really a treat.
    When mixed with whipped cream,
    It makes ladies scream
    As you lick it right off of their meat!

  10. Jon Gearhart says:

    My wife has a body that’s sweet:
    Long tan legs and a tight little seat.
    She’s a fine intellect,
    Buys rare books to collect,
    And her rare pair of Keats can’t be beat!

  11. Jon Gearhart says:

    As we entered the honeymoon suite,
    I swept my new bride off her feet.
    “I’ll relift you each year’s
    Anniversary, but fears
    Are arrears growth might end this repeat.”

  12. Jon Gearhart says:

    Please remove apostrophe from fears.

    Note from Mad Kane: Done.

  13. Jon Gearhart says:

    Just for fun…
    A slight rewrite of Judge Smails (Ted Knight, Caddy Shack):

    It’s easy to grin, big and sweet,
    When your ship’s in ’cause stocks you have beat,
    But the man that’s worth while
    Is the man that can smile
    When his shorts are too tight in the seat!

  14. Jon Gearhart says:

    In Microsoft Windows’ past suite,
    The Blue Screen of Death could be beat
    By a full-on reboot
    With 3 finger salute-
    The solution’s ctrl-alt-delete

  15. Jon Gearhart says:

    They claim that all victory’s sweet.
    The high that it brings can’t be beat,
    But if you’re a cheat
    And win by deceit,
    Once detected, you’ll feel low’s defeat.

  16. Jon Gearhart says:

    As a kid, when you’re acting too sweet
    And innocent, that calls complete
    Attention en masse
    To your lies and your ass.
    Soon your agony’s felt in deseat!

  17. Jon Gearhart says:

    Politicos, blissfully sweet,
    Have ignorance, fully complete,
    With heads, swelled as large
    As a Titanic barge,
    Which, mysteriously, still fit up their seat!

  18. Judith H. Block says:

    The cellist was playing a suite-
    Brought tears to the learned aesthete.
    It has to be Bach’s,
    It’s beauty still shocks!
    In elegance, it’s quite a feat.

  19. Judith H. Block says:

    A man in the mood for a sweet
    Lady, whether large or petite,
    Should be handsome and kind
    And have a brilliant mind,
    And better not be indiscreet.

  20. Andrew Ryan says:

    My girlfriend is terribly sweet
    And I tried to propose in a Tweet
    But I’ve just asked if she
    Would marinate me.
    Godamn you Auto-complete!

  21. a lady so innocent and sweet
    the knights thought she’d be a treat
    and there was a dandy
    who wanted some candy
    but she turned too sour to eat

  22. billgncs says:

    a fellow who rented a suite
    felt compulsion for keeping things neat
    till his new paramour
    a dominatrix whore
    found a maid suit to make him complete

  23. Brian Allgar says:

    I’m late today. Here’s rhe reason:

    Our dog is good-natured and sweet;
    We took him today to compete
    In a dog-show – third prize
    (Though he’s first in our eyes) …
    … Now I’m back on the limerick beat.

  24. Brian Allgar says:

    P.S. To Madeleine: I’m using a friend’s computer in the South of France, and when I try to go the Facebook site I get your announcement, but no sumissions or submission box, so I can’t post there. Is there a problem with Facebook, or should I just shoot my friend?

  25. Brian Allgar says:

    Though the sirloin was tender and sweet,
    The girl said “I can’t swallow meat
    Unless it’s organic.”
    I told her, “Don’t panic,
    I’ve something I’m sure you can eat.”

  26. Brian Allgar says:

    The Admiral’s daughter was sweet;
    She was famed as the mariners’ treat.
    “And they like her well-buttered”,
    The Admiral muttered,
    “They say she’s the toast of the fleet.”

  27. Brian Allgar says:

    Too much food that was stodgy and sweet
    Killed a basket-ball player named Pete.
    Though a giant at basket,
    He shrank in his casket,
    And now he is under six feet.

  28. Brian Allgar says:

    From within the Imperial suite
    Nero cried: “Hurry down to the street!
    Find a Christian or two -
    Even children will do -
    For my lions are out of fresh meat.”

  29. Brian Allgar says:

    The hooker was sexy and sweet
    And was strutting her stuff on the street.
    When I asked her the price,
    I was busted for vice -
    I’d accosted a cop on the beat.

  30. scott says:

    A man in the mood for a sweet,
    indulged in his favorite treat,
    though never a wuss,
    he’s now a big puss,
    they say that you are what you eat.

  31. rbasler says:

    “Mademoiselle, are you over dix-huit?”
    I would ask all the French chicks I meet
    If she’s 18 or older
    I start to get bolder
    If she’s not, then I’m out of there, VITE!

  32. My day’s been a Nutcracker Suite –
    The Mouse King (my boss) has me beat.
    Though I work without break
    ‘Til my Sugar Plums ache,
    There’s no way I’m conceding defeat!

  33. (Out of Competition — rhyme word last. Also, dumb.)

    He ordered baked beans as a treat
    With a bottle of Château Lafite
    At his ritzy hotel.
    Now he doesn’t feel well,
    And he needs some relief — “toot de suite”.

  34. The folks in the Honeymoon Suite
    Are being a tad indiscreet.
    Simple moans, groans and cries
    Cause the staff no surprise –
    But good god! What’s the source of that bleat?

  35. J.S. Bach, while composing a Suite,
    Grew weary of tapping his feet.
    Anna’s annual kid
    Gives a hint what he did
    To help him keep track of the beat.

  36. Bach went, while composing his Suite,
    To a Gentlemen’s Club for a treat.
    As he watched the girls dance,
    Inspiration (by chance)
    Sent him “Air on the G-String”, complete.

  37. If you want to break up with your sweet-
    Heart, please don’t try avoiding the heat.
    Believe me, it’s best
    If such things are expressed
    In person… and not as a Tweet.

  38. Fred Bortz says:

    Edited version

    “What’s that seed you are planting?” “‘Tis wheat.
    A pedestrian food, not elite.
    Though quinoa’s in fashion
    I still have a passion
    For glutinous grains that we eat.”

    “Then I’ll head to that medical suite,
    Where I’ll seek out a doctor to treat
    My celiac pains
    Because of your grains.
    Then I’ll sue the shoes off of your feet.”

  39. yt cai says:

    In Cabo they rented a suite
    Pedro and his girl Margarite
    They boned until dawn
    He came now he’s gone
    A sad end to the tail re Pete

  40. yt cai says:

    Making love was ever so sweet
    Orgasms were long and were fleet
    Once obtaining the knack
    Each time ’round the track
    Since his thing became sweaty feet

  41. (To post this, at first, I was busting…
    But later, my sense I’m mistrusting:
    It may be the worst pun
    That I ever have done,
    And the subject’s a little disgusting:)

    For years, I desired something sweet
    To go with my fetish for feet.
    So these days, I smear up
    “I-F**k-Toes Porn Syrup”
    Before I start beating my meat.

  42. CJ@ProArtz says:

    The cellist was playing a suite,
    But she dropped her suite music sheet.
    When it fell to the floor,
    She couldn’t follow the score.
    Without it, the suite wasn’t sweet.

  43. CJ@ProArtz says:

    Mr. Rush moved into a suite,
    In a low-priced hotel on First Street
    After tucked in and snug,
    Bitten by a bedbug,
    He bolted in half a heartbeat.

  44. Brian Allgar says:

    I’d always heard Melody’s sweet,
    But I found that she tended to bleat,
    While her sister Anita
    Is silent and sweeter
    And bonks like a bunny in heat.

  45. Brian Allgar says:

    The new baby-sitter was sweet;
    She decided to give me a treat.
    The kid had been fed
    So she pulled down my head
    Saying “Your turn to suck on a teat.”

  46. Tom Harris says:

    The lothario said, “My sweet,
    Let us adjourn now to my suite,
    Where, if you please,
    We’ll play birds and bees.”
    The lass replied, “This bird don’t tweet.”

  47. Brian Allgar says:

    While the flautist was playing Bach’s suite,
    The conductor kept missing the beat,
    For she blew with such skill
    He imagined the thrill
    Of her blowing his own piece of meat.

  48. Brian Allgar says:

    KUBLA WHO?

    “Milk of Paradise”, wonderfully sweet,
    And “on honeydew fed” – what a treat!
    But from Porlock, a bore
    Came and knocked at the door,
    So the poem remained incomplete.

  49. Allen Wilcox says:

    The chance for revenge, it was sweet.
    San Anton didn’t want a repeat.
    The pressure was there,
    Which they handled with flair.
    It was clear they could all take the Heat

  50. Brian Allgar says:

    Though her parents were loving and sweet,
    Lizzie Borden decided to beat
    Them to death with an axe,
    And with eighty-one whacks,
    Her self-orphaning job was complete.

  51. Val Fish says:

    A fellow had rented a suite
    His mistress intending to meet
    As he came through the door
    ‘Twas his wife that he saw
    Time to beat a hasty retreat

  52. A fellow who rented a suite,
    For trysts he considered so sweet
    Was caught in a lie
    He could not deny
    And slithered away in defeat

    The cellest was playing a suite
    To please the most snobby aesthete
    The snob he was pleased
    Till the cellist did sneeze
    And blew quite away the last squeak

  53. Jen Harris says:

    A man tantalizingly sweet
    Onstage; his fans will compete
    After meeting, however,
    Disappointed, together,
    They might just cry out, where’s the meat?

  54. Jon Gearhart says:

    Mr. Allgar, regarding Bach’s suite:
    Whilst, on one hand, I did go off-sheet,
    You don’t understand so
    You mock affrettando,
    The other hand took up the beat!

    Didn’t you wonder why my podium was so tall?

  55. Jen Harris says:

    Won’t you come up to my suite
    And we can go on ’til complete
    All night long, guaranteed
    My darling, I’m freed…
    This time I won’t be so effete.

  56. Jen Harris says:

    To dabble in words is so sweet
    Patterning words so they meet
    And to reach a crescendo
    Of double-entend… oh!
    All right, for that rhyme, I did cheat ;-)

  57. Jen Harris says:

    Sorry Mad – can I ask to remove the last “r” on crescendo and the one on entend… whoops!

    Note from Mad Kane: Done. :)

  58. John Sardo says:

    A man in a mood for a sweet
    Affair with a woman discreet.
    Didn’t care ’twas quick
    As long as the chick
    Didn’t squeal and tell all in a tweet.

  59. John Sardo says:

    A gal who was cloyingly sweet
    Sent a titillatingly fiery tweet.
    It said “I am ready”
    “To go hot and steady.”
    “And I promise I won’t tear the sheet.”

  60. John Sardo says:

    A fellow who rented a suite
    From a gal who was cloyingly sweet
    Then made a fast pass
    Got a boot in the ass
    And hit the concrete on Main Street.

  61. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A gal from the South in a suite
    With an ebony gent she thought neat,
    Spied a man in a hood,
    Which could not have been good
    ‘Cause she turned quite as white as his sheet.

  62. Johanna Richmond says:

    Corporations consider it sweet
    They can claim it’s unchristian to meet
    What’s required by law –
    Too bad no one foresaw
    Our new hobby: make THEM obsolete!

  63. Johanna Richmond says:

    Well, I thought it would surely be sweet
    To stop writing lim’ricks this week;
    Oh the places I’d go…
    But my mood got so low
    I just sat contemplating my feet.

  64. Johanna Richmond says:

    Oops- don’t know how I managed that rhyme fail. Here’s the rewrite:

    Well, I thought it would surely be sweet:
    I’d skip lim’ricks this week for a treat!
    Oh the places I’d go…
    But my mood got so low
    I just sat contemplating my feet.

  65. @Brian

    THE WRATH OF KUBLA

    That scene in the movie was sweet –
    As Coleridge sits there in his seat,
    The knock comes anon,
    And the poet cries: “KHAAAAAN!”
    Bill Shatner’s best thespian feat.

  66. Brian Allgar says:

    At Halloween, saucy and sweet,
    A young lady was trawling my street
    As the “Halloween Whore”,
    So I opened the door,
    And the trick that she turned was a treat.

  67. Brian Allgar says:

    I had taken the honeymoon suite
    With my mistress. It proved indiscreet,
    For the photos on-site
    Showed us spending the night,
    And my wife’s thrown me out on the street.

  68. Brian Allgar says:

    The Don had a roof-garden suite
    Where his rivals had all come to meet.
    He offered them views
    That they couldn’t refuse -
    A fifty-floor drop to the street.

  69. Allen Wilcox says:

    Bragged the artist, “To paint is so sweet.
    Slopping gobs on the sidewalk’s a treat.
    I’ve done Pollock one better.
    I’m an opposites getter.
    My work’s abstract but also concrete.”

  70. I’ve married a woman who’s sweet,
    One who likes to keep herself neat;
    One who cleans, one who cooks,
    One who’s blessed with good looks:
    I just hope these five never meet!

  71. Bob Leggett says:

    A cellist playing a suite
    Couldn’t keep to the beat
    In fact his bow
    Was moving so slow
    He wasn’t even on the same sheet

  72. Kirk Miller says:

    The Metric System’s measures are sweet.
    The English System some think is neat.
    Feet and meters don’t mix,
    So, in our limericks,
    Explain how we use metric feet!

  73. Diane Groothuis says:

    A girl who appeared very sweet
    Had sex with a guy on a seat
    Not much of a looker
    In fact was a hooker
    And didn’t provide a receipt.

  74. Johanna Richmond says:

    Mad, would yiu mind deleting that last one? I slightly altered it:

    “Cut their access to healthcare tout de suite!”
    Cried the court with paternal conceit…
    (Steeped in masculine lore,
    They feared not waging war
    Against women would look très effete.)

    Note from Mad Kane: Done. :)

  75. > The cellist was playing a suite
    > Full of flats, sharps and rests quite replete,
    > But he sneezed and his bow
    > Hit the floor and you know
    > You can’t play by rote with your feet!
    >
    >
    >
    >

  76. Allen Wilcox says:

    A states’-righter took over a suite,
    And had women brougt in from the street.
    Said he,”I’ve had fifty.
    One per state–that’s right nifty.
    My work here, for now, is complete.

  77. CJ@ProArtz says:

    The woman acted saccharine sweet.
    Underneath she’s more sour than upbeat.
    She said she loved birds,
    But those were just words,
    For she roasted a cute parakeet.

  78. CJ@ProArtz says:

    Miss Stout, in the mood for a sweet,
    Declared her sheer, all-out, defeat.
    She had to lament
    Her resolve that for Lent
    She had vowed to not overeat.

  79. Johanna Richmond says:

    Another one for my collection of feminist limericks which I’m SURE will soon be flying off the shelves :)

    Girls are taught they are spicy and sweet
    A delicious consumable treat
    Boys are taught they’re about
    Things to want and act out
    Have you wondered why boys aren’t to eat?

  80. Diane Groothuis says:

    A celliste was playing a suite
    Of Bach at Musical meet
    To tunes contrapuntal
    She showed them full-frontal
    And they noted her boobs hit her feet,

  81. Allen Wilcox says:

    Said a sailor who stayed with his swee-
    Heart too losg, “I’ve s curfew to beat.
    I’m in such a bad spot.
    It is clear that I’ve got
    To be fleet to get back to the fleet.”

  82. Tim James says:

    Rhett Butler reserved a nice suite
    Where he and Miss Scarlett could meet.
    But the bed had no linen.
    The maid explained, grinnin’,
    “Sir, frankly, I don’t give a sheet!”

  83. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    The love of a woman is sweet,
    And can make any man feel complete.
    It can heal heart and soul,
    So his wounds will be whole,
    Till the night that she hacks off his meat.

  84. Brian Allgar says:

    @Will

    Will, your “Air on the G-string” gave me my laugh of the day.

    After that, Bach met B—, such a sweet
    Little Miss, a delectable treat.
    He exclaimed “Meine kleine!”,
    But B— was a minor;
    “Underage” is on his charge-sheet.

  85. Brian Allgar says:

    (Will won’t need any clues, but some might like to know that Bach wrote a “Missa in B minor”.)

  86. Jon Gearhart says:

    A politico, blissfully sweet,
    Has an Ignorance, fully complete,
    With a head swelled as large
    As a Titanic barge
    That somehow can fit up their seat!

    (Please delete the first version, Mad.)

  87. Jon Gearhart says:

    Your sister was terribly sweet
    To welcome all sailors she’d meet.
    Made such an impression
    With her big obsession,
    They’d flock to join her navel fleet!

  88. Mark Kane says:

    Mix sour with salty and sweet,
    Then watch as the flavors compete,
    For your full attention,
    But I should first mention,
    TEQUILA which makes this complete.

    In honor of the July 4th Holiday Weekend I’ve provided below my “Madkane Hates Lime – Margarita Recipe,” enjoy:

    1) Douse two (2) martini glasses (or margarita glasses or any short glasses) with cold water and shove em in the freezer.

    2) SALT — Cover a saucer with about a quarter of an inch of Kosher Salt (or regular salt is OK in a pinch)

    3) Fill a martini shaker with ice.

    4)SOUR – Toss into the icy shaker one (1) shot of GRAPEFRUIT JUICE (or you can use Lime if it’s not for Madeleine)

    5) SWEET – Toss into the icy shaker two (2) shots of TRIPLE SEC (a little less if you like things tart, a little more if you like things sweet)

    6) SMILES – Toss into the icy chaker five and half (5.5) shots of TEQUILA (I use silver in my margaritas)

    7) Retrieve the frosty glasses from the freezer and moisten the edge of each glass with a paper napkin dipped in juice.

    8)Turn the frosty glasses upside down and kinda grind them into the saucer of salt to give them a nice “Salty Edge”

    9) Cap the shaker and shake up your elixir vigorously (The loud sounds will build anticipation)!

    10) Carefully fill each chilled and salted glass with this tasty icy drink.

    11) Enjoy and Repeat!

  89. A man in the mood for a sweet
    Searched high and then low for a treat
    But his cupboards were bare
    And all heard him swear
    With words none would dare to repeat

  90. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    There once was a man who was sweet,
    And was also unfailingly neat.
    Sadly, gals thought him gay,
    So he never got play,
    But he coped without missing a beat.

  91. Konrad Schwoerke says:

    A reporter sure thought it was sweet
    When the plummeting gent hit concrete.
    “Did it hurt when you fell?
    Did you vex some cartel?”
    The hack asked of the man in the street.

  92. Allen Wilcox says:

    “Postal work for the most part is sweet.
    I don’t mind hail or rain, snow or sleet.
    I can take all the cold,
    But the truth, if be told–
    What I really can’t stand is the heat.”

  93. Allen Wilcox says:

    “They tell me that twitter is sweet.”
    Said the novice. “But it’s not so neat,
    ‘Cause it’s hell to connect
    When the autocorrect
    Changes ‘fondle’ to ‘fuck’ in my tweet.”
    .

  94. Allen Wilcox says:

    Now limerick writing is sweet.
    To finish one up is a treat.
    But this one I find
    Keeps food in my mind,
    So I think I’ll get something to eat.

    I’m back but now sleeping sounds sweet.
    I’d keep writing on, but I’m beat.
    To get to the end,
    I’ll have to pretend.
    To be honest, I must use deceit

  95. Errol Nimbly says:

    I heard Jack at a reading. How sweet.
    And shook Kerouac’s hand! Life’s complete!
    With that palm titillated,
    I then masturbated –
    I so enjoyed meeting that Beat!

  96. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 171.

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick Drill.