Archive for September, 2019

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: GRIP or GRIPPE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: October 12, 2019)

Saturday, September 28th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using GRIP or GRIPPE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BOSSES, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BOSSES-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on October 13, 2019, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, October 12, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my GRIP/GRIPPE-rhyme limerick:

My mood has been taking a dip
Cuz I fear I’ve been gripped by the grippe.
“Just a cold,” says my doc.
“Get a grip and don’t squawk!
“My prescription: green tea and a nip.”

And here’s my BOSSES-themed limerick:

My boss tends to yammer and kvetch
And complain all the time, till you retch
From the onslaught of griping
And groaning and sniping…
But at least the guy isn’t a letch.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (331)

Saturday, September 28th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Simply nothing will ever surpass
The laughs when I took my whole class
To the zoo; found a note
From a very cute goat
Saying, “Hey guys, ya got any grass?”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special GRAMMAR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Donald takes a rhetorical hammer
To bash any semblance of grammar.
We hope what he says
As a future ex-Prez
Draws laughs from his mates in the slammer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Steve Benko, Bindy Bitterman, Tony Holmes, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “NOTE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

“Though they laugh at my spelling and grammuh,
At weather, believe me, I am a
Map-maker of note,
So it’s just like I wrote —
The hurricane hit Alabama!”

Lisi Nortman:

Way back in the munth ov July
I held up my banner reel hi
And karefully wrote:
“All u folks pleeze take note:
Bad Spellers!! We yall must UNTIE.”

Sharon Neeman:

Zoologists, please do take note:
There IS such a thing as a shoat.
It’s not sired by a ram,
And a goat’s not its dam,
And it certainly isn’t a stoat.

A shoat is a newly weaned pig;
Its hands — sorry, HOOVES — aren’t big;
It’s a juvenile hog
And it can’t dance or jog.
Am I writing too subtle a dig?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“NOTE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

The anthem that Francis Scott wrote
Screws the diaphragm, lungs, and the throat.
As I reached way up there
For “the rockets’ red glare”
I sprained everything hitting that note.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Old Noah the perv, you should note,
Would get off in the rain—let me quote:
“Sure, a sprinkle is sweet,
But when beating my meat,
It’s a deluge that’s floating my boat.”

Steve Benko:

“On Ivanka,” says Donald, “I dote,
But of Tiffany barely take note.
Though the Jewish one’s hot
(Why with THEM tie the knot?),
Her poor sister tends sadly to bloat.”

Bindy Bitterman:

When he slipped something into her tote,
She hoped for a sweet, loving note.
But it sadly turned out
What the note was about:
’Twas only Mad Kane’s weekly quote!

Tim James:

With his short stubby Sharpie, Trump wrote
An alternative storm track. “Take note:
’Bama’s gonna get hit.
They’re in really deep shit!”
(With the rest of us in the same boat.)

Tony Holmes:

An Italian tenor of note
Would, at times, lose his voice and I quote:
“If I sing … they no clap?”
He gets nervous, poor chap,
And the fear puts a frog in his throat.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAMMAR-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Second person familiar,” said I
To my student. “Now give it a try.”
She used thou, thee and thine
And her grammar was fine ―
As I rested my hand on her thy.

Brian Allgar:

The Oxford professor was pissed;
He was shouting and waving his fist.
“I have told you before –
When there’s three terms or more,
A comma’s REQUIRED in a list!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Grasping homophones makes me so proud
And proves that I’m quite well-endowed,
With a brain so acute
That there’s just no dispute.
(And now I’ll recite one allowed.)

Jean McEwen:

Those old scolds who incessantly yammer
About other folks’ syntax and grammar
Should just give it a rest
(Leave their views unexpressed)–
Or expect to get hit with a hammer.

Steve Benko:

I’ve been dating an English professor;
It’s delightful until I undress her.
During passionate sex,
Pillow talk she corrects,
And it makes my arousal much lesser.

Bindy Bitterman:

Aw, shucks, here I am in the slammer!
You’d a thunk I’d a taken a hammer
And I’d killed someone dead.
But what I done instead —
Was just murder that dumb English grammar!

Konrad Schwoerke:

A rigid grammarian, Guy,
Claims that HE knows what’s right, also why.
“It’s subjective, you see,
Not objective like ‘me’.”
So me poked this guy right in his ‘I’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Homonym Fun (Limerick)

Saturday, September 14th, 2019

I just stumbled onto the new-to-me word FRATER: the dining room or refectory of a monastery. (Yes, I should have known it from “fraternal,” but I didn’t.) And as soon as I realized it’s a homophone type homonym of FREIGHTER, I felt compelled to write a limerick:

Don’t confuse the word “freighter” with “frater.”
One transports you; the latter will cater
To cuisine-needs monastic.
(I doubt it takes plastic.)
I’ll postpone further lessons for later.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NOTE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: Sept. 28, 2019)

Saturday, September 7th, 2019

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NOTE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GRAMMAR, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GRAMMAR-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 29, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. (Due to my travel schedule you’ll have one extra week to submit your clever, polished verse.) Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 28, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my NOTE-rhyme limerick:

A man who was singing by rote
Kept hitting an out of tune note.
But nobody cared;
Instead, they just stared.
He was cute, which “earned” everyone’s vote.

And here’s my GRAMMAR-themed limerick:

A woman encountered an ad
Whose grammar was markedly bad.
So she dashed off a note
To the sponsor and wrote:
“Are you even a middle school grad?”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (330)

Saturday, September 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Nitroglycerin’s touchy, although
It’s quite safe in the hands of a pro.
Which I am. So don’t fret;
I’ve had no problems yet.
I’ve no fear it will ever explo―

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INTERNET HAZARD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You ask, “Why does Donald use Twitter
To govern?” Well, what could be fitter?
With his phone on his lap,
He can spew out some crap,
While the rest of it goes in the shitter.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tanja Cilia, Suzanne Heymann, Mike Moulton, John Shardlow, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PRO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

In translation, I’ve earned my good name;
I have reaped recognition and fame —
Ah, but even a pro
Can be dealt a grave blow
By an innocent Internet game:

“Only 10,000 words for today?
Fine! I’ll just take a moment to play…”
But those “moments” can cost —
No words done! Six hours lost!
And now all I can say is “Oy, vey.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PRO” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

At a high-school debate long ago,
My opponent, alas, didn’t show,
But I was unfazed
And the crowd was amazed
As I argued both sides, con and pro.

Tim James:

His writing was that of a pro ―
A bit morbid and skin-crawly, though.
Talking birds, howling cats:
Stuff like that is just bats!
(A description that’s most aproPoe.)

Dave Johnson:

Some people are wearing GoPro;
Real handy for filming a show.
But here’s where its charm
Might be viewed with alarm:
Not turning it off when you go.

Tanja Cilia:

I bought a palatial chateau
For a long-lasting tryst with my beau.
But the plumbing was bust;
There was mold, rot, and dust,
And the place was all cons and no pro.

Dave Johnson:

My Labor Day burgers will show
I’m running the grill like a pro.
But knobs turned in vain
Showed a lack of propane;
It’s off to McDonald’s we go.

Suzanne Heymann:

If a worker says “Oops!” or “Oh no!”
Or appears to be nervous or slow,
Gives you sass or acts crass,
Has the brass to pass gas,
You can bet your sweet ass he’s no pro.

Mike Moulton:

One ev’ning, Melania said, “No,
My headaches do trouble me so,
And the baby won’t sleep.
Your urges will keep.”
Said Donald, “I‘ll hire a pro.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTERNET HAZARD LIMERICK DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Her message exclaimed, “You’re so hot!”
I was flattered. I said, “Thanks a lot!”
We chatted. I fell
Quite under her spell
Till I learned it was love at first bot.

John Shardlow:

I’ve heard from an African Prince
Who’s doing his best to convince
Me to share in his wealth
And transfer by stealth
Dirty money he’s trying to rinse.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The Internet sure does “entice.”
(I’m obsessed with my wondrous device.)
But when networking broke,
I went downstairs and spoke
To my fam’ly; they seem really nice.

Fred Bortz:

The virus arrived undetected
In a message I never suspected.
The disguise was so slick.
All it took was one click.
My computer’s now sick. I’m infected!

Dave Johnson:

Some people we happened to meet
From an Airbnb up the street
Were full of despair;
Zero linens in there.
That really did happen – no sheet.

Sharon Neeman:

A Facebook ad showed Jim a blouse
That he thought he should buy for his spouse:
“She’s size ‘M'” — but what came
In the mail (to his shame)
Would have fit on an av’rage-sized mouse.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Tempting Limerick

Thursday, September 5th, 2019

I’m pleased to have gotten an Honorable Mention in the Washington Post Style Invitational’s 16th annual Limerixicon limerick contest: Here’s my HM-earning limerick:

If you’re tempted to kiss or embrace
A stranger whose beauty and grace
Make her hard to resist,
Don’t do it! Her fist
Just might land in a delicate place.