Posts Tagged ‘Tony Holmes’

Limerick-Off Award (299)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:

“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:

As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.

Sharon Neeman:

A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

Bob Dvorak:

I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

Byron Miller:

When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.

Tim James:

He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:

Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!

Dave Johnson:

Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.

Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

Lisi Nortman:

My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

Brian Allgar:

“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”

Dave Johnson:

With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.

Tony Holmes:

Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.

Tim James:

My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (298)

Sunday, May 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

An amorous couple began
Canoodling back in the can.
Six miles up above,
Making passionate love;
A door lock was part of the plan.

But turbulence had its own way;
An air pocket ruined their play.
As they both tumbled out,
The fellow would shout:
“We’re flying United, OK?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GIFT-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick, which is both funny and educational:

A Berliner whose marital bed
Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
His Frau was quite miffed.
So she gave him a Gift,
Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this 2-verse limerick:

My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
On his birthday, she said,
“If you come to my bed,
I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”

Since Solly’s a family man,
He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
With a smile sweet and wide,
She most sagely replied,
“Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CAN” RHYME LIMERICK THAT IS ALSO GIFT-THEMED)

Sharon Neeman:

My cat’s an incurable giver,
Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
She’ll bring into the house
A dead lizard or mouse
Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.

If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
She will give me a hairball (oy vey!)
It’s all part of her plan:
She just does what she can
To make sure I don’t give her away.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“I give you permission. You may.
So, do not demur, or delay.
Are you able? You can?
Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
Well, do carry on then. Good day!”

Mike Shulman:

A homely old dullard named Danny
Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
He sat on a fan,
Thus dissecting one can,
And declared his new profile uncanny.

Brian Allgar:

“Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
To destroy every act,
Every treaty or pact
That the Kenyan impostor began!”

Sharon Neeman:

He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
That he left in the can
Was sufficient to ban
Him forever from every hotel.

Armchair Poet:

When his search for VP first began,
Trump desired an affirmative man.
So when asked if he’d mind
Kissing lots of behind,
“Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”

Patrice Stewart:

When she dances the can-can, you can
See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
As her long legs kicked higher,
His groin was on fire –
Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man.

Tim James:

I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
Her butt’s smooth and tan
(It’s an old root beer can.)
Now my toaster is burning with lust.

Tony Holmes:

A part of me says that I wouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
If you like all your meals from a can.
I can make stuff from scratch,
But it varies by batch;
You might say it’s a flash in the pan.

Dave Johnson:

When thinking you can’t but you can,
Just try with this one simple plan:
Put the usual don’ts
In a box with your won’ts,
Then begin like before they began.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GIFT-GIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I bought some perfume for Marie,
Who then handed it over to Leigh.
Leigh gave it to Jo,
Who said, “Here’s a gift, Flo.”
Two weeks later, it came back to me.

Sharon Neeman:

Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
And the proof can be seen
Back in 2016,
When the Russians gave Trump the election.

Armchair Poet:

Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
As a gift to us all,
He could just take the fall,
And compose an inferior rhyme.

Fred Bortz:

In politics, wouldn’t you know,
That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
So when getting a gift,
You had better be swift
To respond with whatever you owe.

Dave Johnson:

In order to patch up their rift,
He opted to buy her a gift.
His choice was a wig
Three sizes too big;
Reaction was angry and swift.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (296)

Saturday, April 28th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I research old age and disease,
But it’s grim, so I joke and I tease.
My new study’s complex;
It involves lots of sex-
Agenarian interviewees.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special EGO-Themed Limerick Award for this clever ACROSTIC limerick:

There’s nobody smarter than me;
Renowned as no other can be.
Unlike all the rest,
My brain is the best;
Perfection, you’ll have to agree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Mar-a-Lago: surrounded by tees,
The hooker was down on her knees.
But she laughed when he stood
And presented his “wood” –
It was roughly the size of a bee’s.

Sharon Neeman:

Spring means ditching our sweaters for tees,
Showing ankles and calves — perhaps knees —
And, alone in the grass
With a lad or a lass,
Joining in with the birds and the bees.

Jean McEwen:

At the beauty salon, I said “Please:
I need highlights, a trim, and a tease.”
Now, my hair’s full of mats,
Like a nest full of rats.
On my head there’s a hive full of bees!

Tony Holmes:

When Black Widow Nellie’s in heat
Every male on her menu is sweet.
She will put them at ease,
With some tickle and tease,
Then it’s consummate nuptials – and eat.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Please enjoy our assorted fine teas.
Domestic? Perhaps Cantonese?
We’ve added some weed
To assure that, indeed,
You’ll come back and request a reprise.

Bob Dvorak:

My son, in his 2’s, pushing 3’s,
Begs me, “Daddy, please help me out, please!
“It’s the AY-BEE-CEE song
“That’s just awfully long!
“I can never get past AR-ESS-TEEs!”

Brenda Bryant:

I am prone to forgetting my keys,
Or they fall down the back of settees.
It is rather a bore
When I can’t lock the door,
But the burglars can get in with ease.

Fred Bortz:

He orders, “Get down on your knees,
And prove that you know how to please
With your full, ruby lips.
Then let’s finish with whips.”
Oh, that Marquis de Sade’s such a tease!

Dave Johnson:

The dancers – all handsome and thrilling,
Have clients so happy and willing.
With ladies to please
They are more than a tease;
Their job is both hard and fulfilling.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EGO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who calls his limerick “In-augur-ation Day”:

He dismisses the experts (statistical),
And relies on his sycophants (mystical),
Whose tally (“Oh, Mama!
You’ve doubled Obama.”)
Feeds into his needs (egoistical).

Sharon Neeman:

When he says “I’m the best! Did you ever
Know anyone my kind of clever?”
I won’t spew, gag, or fart;
With my hand on my heart,
I’ll say “No, Mr. President. Never.”

Jean McEwen:

I suspect that the famed Sigmund Freud
Would with me be profoundly annoyed.
My id has gone wild.
My virtue, defiled.
My ego? It’s underemployed.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In Paris, the Hilton’s elite,
But the girl with that name ain’t so sweet.
She thinks that she’s great,
Just really first-rate;
She even will kiss her own feet.

Tim James:

If it’s brains that you want, I’m the best;
And my wit far outshines all the rest.
But you’ll soon come to see
What’s the best about me:
I’m so humble. You’ll be quite impressed.

Byron Miller:

If you’re human, you need to be right;
Someone tells you you’re wrong, it’s a slight.
Despite tiptoes and tact,
Watch the ego react
Every time, and defensively fight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (295)

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”

Marty Gerendasy:

Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.

Sharon Neeman:

They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”

Jean McEwen:

I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!

Konrad Schwoerke:

My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.

Doug Harris:

He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …

Bruce Niedt:

A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”

John Bergstrom:

Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.

Byron Miller:

Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!

Fred Bortz:

It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)

Jean McEwen:

From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.

Dave Johnson:

It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.

Tim James:

Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!