Posts Tagged ‘Tony Holmes’

Limerick-Off Award (477)

Saturday, September 4th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In my town our archaic saloon,
Holds a “game night” on ev’ry full moon.
We make pool cues from bones,
And play Scrabble with stones.
You should see it — complete rack and rune.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special MEMORY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Forgetting stuff isn’t a game;
It can lead to great sorrow and shame.
Here’s a story of woe
From a fellow I know:
In the sack he called out the wrong name.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Paul Haebig, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Janice Canerdy, Konrad Schwoerke, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOON or LUNE or BALLOON or SALOON”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I have a fun toy that’s unmatched.
’Twas the last one in stock that I snatched!
It’s a novel balloon
That plays a Bach tune.
It was free and had no strings attached.

Paul Haebig:

He wanted to make the girls swoon,
So he thought he’d transcribe “Claire de Lune.”
What he’d meant as romantic,
Just sounded pedantic.
It’s not a good tune for bassoon!

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA crowd started to swoon
The moment they cranked up his tune.
A raucous event,
In his thrall they were sent
By the sight of the slithery loon.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a parakeet once to a loon,
“It’s a hoot that you wail at the moon.
But if you were like me,
Always caged, never free,
You’d be singing a whole diff’rent tune.”

Bob Turvey:

I drive what Brits call a saloon
So fast it makes young ladies swoon.
[Now, saloon can mean beer –
So let’s make it quite clear –
If you drink and then drive you’re a loon.]

Lisi Nortman:

Folks, here is the sad situation
(A dilemma that faces the nation):
If you want a balloon,
Better be a tycoon.
The price is high due to inflation.

Janice Canerdy:

A young wife who was prone to misspell,
Wrote a note for her hubby, pell-mell:
“I’ll be at the saloon
The entire afternoon.”
He was steamed, but her hair got styled well.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I suggested that we only spoon,
But she countered, “Let’s fork and damned soon!”
I thought great till I felt
Stabbing tines as I knelt—
I just barely escaped Claire the Loon.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MEMORY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Absent-mindedness sometimes is hellish;
Drawing blanks isn’t something I relish.
Long-term mem’ries, however,
Confirm that I’m clever —
They’re the ones I’ve had time to embellish.

Tony Holmes:

“I remember the war – ’forty-two.
It was lunchtime – we had Irish stew.
I had two cups of tea –
Corporal Evans had three –
But for breakfast today? Not a clue.”

Terry Marter:

Had an Alzheimer’s meeting today,
Or was it last Tuesday, – or May?
Whatever they said
Must have entered my head,
But it didn’t remember to stay.

Dave Johnson:

Lorena – a name that reflects
The moment her rage cleared the decks.
Time’s passage may cure,
But there’s one thing for sure:
She’ll never re-member her ex.

Brian Allgar:

“Well, Doctor, the reason I came …”
He began. “… Lemme think … What a shame!
I was going to say
That I’ve lost … but today,
I’ve completely forgotten the name.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If my mem’ry gets strained, I don’t sweat it.
Should it lapse on a workout, I let it.
When it heads for the shower,
And asks, “Why the glower?”
“Oh, it’s nothing,” I say, “just forget it.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (476)

Saturday, August 21st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A moll stole a stole; it’s a wrap,
Which she sold to a girl with a chap.
But the chap was a mole,
And the wrap the moll stole
Was set by the mole as a trap.

Congratulations to STEVE BENKO, who wins the Special MOOD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“When I’m angry I know what to do,”
Said Donald, “to stop feeling blue.
I gather some friends
And some porn stars (all 10’s),
And together we stage a nice coup.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s rap,
That mindless, unmusical pap.
The name would be better
With one extra letter;
It should be referred to as ‘crap.’

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sondra Landin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Bob Turvey, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Steve Benko, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Fred Bortz, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “WRAP/RAP” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO MOOD-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sondra Landin:

Will she be in the mood for a wrap,
At that place with the good brew on tap?
No, she’ll spout with a sneer,
“I never touch beer,
And I don’t eat that crap – not a scrap!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WRAP/RAP”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a beat and a stomp and a clap,
“We Will Rock You” went wild in a snap.
Although what’s it all mean,
If God can’t save the Queen,
Who created Bohemian Rhap?

Bob Turvey:

When a well-dressed and handsome young chap,
On the privy door gave a sharp rap,
It opened, and Jane
Said, “God, you again.
Can’t a girl have some peace for a nap?”

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s MAGA brigade has a chap
Who’s busy producing a cap.
It’s silver, not red,
That’s adorning each head…
With Reynolds providing the Wrap.

Lisi Nortman:

“I am too old to get into rap.
I don’t care, cause that hip-hop is crap.
Used to party and drink.
At the girls, I would wink.
But right now “Happy Hour’s” a nap.”

Tim James:

She was wearing a nice dress and wrap
When her man went and set off a scrap:
“An ensemble like that
Makes your butt look less fat!”
Now he’s learned to shut firmly his yap.

Steve Benko:

I’m Notorious Steve, here’s my rap:
I love strippers who dance in my lap.
I entice ’em with verse,
And my poems are terse;
Just five lines, then I grab, and they slap.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Poe would clap o’er his ears a wool cap,
When his nerd of a bird spoiled his nap.
“In my haven, old raven,
You crave misbehavin’,
But jeez,” he cried, “PLEASE! No more rap!”

Terry Marter:

A detective with questions to ask,
Said “Do NOT interfere with my task.
You’ve been caught, cut the crap.
You’ll be taking the rap
For robbing a bank with no mask.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MOOD-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

“Hey my darling, are you in the mood?
Testosterone fully imbued?”
“Yes I am!,” my reply…
“How I love D-I-Y,
The best way for a man to get screwed!”

Tim James:

There once was a lawyer named Rudy
Whose cash flow was making him moody.
“Lord Trump, it’s no joke;
Pay my fees or I’m broke!”
The reply: “Stick those bills up your booty!”

Terry Marter:

Now sometimes, when I’m in the mood
I do life-drawing class (I’m no prude).
But the model looks stressed
Fully dressed, – unimpressed
That I choose to paint HIM while I’m nude.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though my mood ring is now an antique,
I still wear it (my friends say it’s chic.)
That the color each day
Is primarily gray,
Simply means I’m approaching my pique.

Fred Bortz:

The farmer deserves to be booed.
His dairy production is crude.
His yogurt tastes funky.
His milk pours out chunky.
And his cattle sound off their bad mooed.

Terry Marter:

She had set up the room for her Tim;
Moody music, – romantic’ly dim.
Then got stoned in the nude,
Woke up with some dude
Who said “Tim couldn’t make it , – I’m Jim.”

Tony Holmes:

I’ve been tossed on the scrapheap of life.
Lost it all – favour, fortune, and wife.
But what brightens my mood,
Should depression intrude,
Is the thought that misfortune is rife.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When egged on to be snotty or mean,
A good mood helps me keep my nose clean.
Left with egg on my face,
Is a tacky disgrace,
But less messy than venting my spleen.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (474)

Saturday, July 24th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick, which is both a Tail-Rhyme and a Vanity-Themed limerick:

Though he thought he had style and urbanity,
Hugh’s bid for success was all vanity.
With broad flippers and tail
And wet whiskers, he’d fail.
How I wept for the fate of Hugh Manatee!

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special VANITY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny “Soprano Vanity” limerick:

Most op’ra performers agree
That it’s hard to sustain a “High C.”
In the great tragic “Norma”
The star will perform a
Dry run of a “me me me me.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Bob Slapcoff, John Davison, Sjaan VandenBroeder, David Friedman, Bob Turvey, Sondra Landin, Terry Marter, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Dave Johnson, Steve Benko, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO VANITY LIMERICKS)

Bob Slapcoff:

A peacock parading his tail,
Or a gaudily carapaced snail;
I’ll emulate these
With bravado and ease,
As soon as I get out of jail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TALE OR TAIL OR ENTAIL OR CURTAIL”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

The Lone Ranger (so goes a tall tale)
Saw some Natives and let out a wail:
“They’re all hostile! We’re dead!”
Tonto grinned as he said:
“What’s this ‘we,’ you with face that is pale?”

John Davison:

Whilst out for a walk with my snail
We dined on fresh cabbage and kale,
But when the rain fell
He just hid in his shell,
Thus precluding a riveting tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One tale of a tail might entail,
A PI with some guy to surveil;
Add a shade of film noir
To a steamy boudoir,
Plus a dame for Mike Hammer to nail.

David Friedman:

There once was a Chief of Police
Who tried to spread love, joy, and peace…
If you buy that tale,
I’ve swampland for sale
And several golden egg geese.

Bob Turvey:

Said a languid young freshman at Yale,
“Target shooting – what does that entail?”
Said a Prof., “Well now son,
You are given a gun,
If you kill anyone – that’s a fail.”

Sondra Landin:

Plot ideas come pelting like hail;
I try to corral them — and fail.
I rail and I wail
To no great avail;
Just can’t seem to finish my tale.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Ev’ry night Mack, the Manx, starts to wail
A long saga of loss and travail.
Then the end is cut short,
And he stops with a snort.
Seems that Mack has lost track of his tale.

Tim James:

Said a drunk who was headed to jail:
“Hey! Her Honor’s a nice piece of tail!”
It’s a shame that she heard
Ev’ry odious word;
Now he’s looking at REALLY high bail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VANITY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

He reflects at the pool where he’s lying.
He’s in love with himself (can’t stop sighing) —
The youthful Narcissus
With no loving Missus
To prevent him from tragic’ly dying.

Tony Holmes:

Only vanity mirrors are kind,
As they don’t show the truth but remind
Of those days sans chagrin –
You had only one chin –
And your features were taut and unlined.

Lisi Nortman:

“I’m not showy in any which way.
And I never put on a display.
But ev’ry one tries
To spread nasty lies,
Cuz I’m much more alluring than they.”

Tim James:

A Captain whose name is James Kirk
Is an egomaniacal jerk.
He’s God’s gift to the dames.
Still, the sexual games
That he tries indisputably work.

Terry Marter:

She was vain, sexy, slinky and sleek.
On her “look” she spent almost a week.
Then she dated a lout
Who did not beat about
The proverbial bush (so to speak.)

Tim James:

If to beauty I want to be nearer,
The path couldn’t be any clearer.
I’m under its spell
(You can probably tell)
When I gaze, quite bewitched, in the mirror.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s dinnerware – always first-rate;
With one special feature that’s great.
’Tween steak and some peas,
His reflection he sees
In that BEAUTIFUL vanity plate!

Steve Benko:

With my talent, square jaw, and strong chin,
It is I who these contests should win.
Once MadKane takes a look,
Every other poor schnook
Who submits will become a has-been.

Rudy Landesman:

My need to make love was perennial.
But now as I reach my centennial,
I will not complain.
I can’t be that vain.
I’m glad that it still is biennial.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If a woman with beauty that’s lush
Likes to tally the hearts she can crush,
When it seems there’s a trace
Of chagrin on her face,
It’s her makeup providing the blush.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (473)

Saturday, July 10th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m so square, I get dizzy on gin —
Just one round and my head starts to spin.
Then I circle about,
Quite obtusely, no doubt,
Wond’ring what kind of shape I am in.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ETIQUETTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a Spin-Rhyme limerick:

Tim James:

Here’s some dating advice with no spin:
Treat the gal with respect, and you win!
Buy her choc’late and bling.
Oh, there’s one final thing:
Just make sure that she isn’t your kin.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Doug Harris, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ETIQUETTE LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

After eating his kith and his kin,
Sweeney asked Mrs. L for her spin
On the practice of such.
She said, “Don’t eat too much,
Because gluttony, luv, is a sin.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I drank a small bathtub of gin
And felt my head starting to spin.
I got a rebuke
Cuz Mom saw me puke
Two steps before I reached the bin.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When a college boy gave you his “pin,”
You went into a jubilant spin.
So un-worldly were we,
We just didn’t foresee
That the pin was a pass to get in.

Sue Dulley:

I can’t wait for my life to begin.
Mom’s a skater, and with ev’ry spin
I get dizzy; I groan
To myself all alone –
If I had one, I’d moan to my twin.

Doug Harris:

I dated a ballet brunette.
Drove me wild did that lissome coquette.
When I said, “Please jump in
And let’s go for a spin,”
She surprised with a long pirouette.

Terry Marter:

So what kind of guilt-laden spin
Is this bullshit, – Original Sin?
We fools should believe
It’s from Adam and Eve?
It’s a ‘Cult’ that I’m glad I’m not in.

Rudy Landesman:

Cole Porter and Irving Berlin.
And Gershwin? Let’s do throw him in.
These guys were prolific.
Their songs were terrific.
To count them would make your head spin.

Steve Benko:

“This indictment’s a kick in the shin,
And I can’t get a pardon like Flynn,”
Groaned Weisselberg. “Allen,”
Said Trump, “Here’s a gallon
Of bullshit to give it good spin.”

Tim James:

A guy took a gal for a spin.
They parked, and committed a sin.
Then the car wouldn’t start,
So she fixed it. (She’s smart.)
She puts out and knows autos? Win-win!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ETIQUETTE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

My father is groping my ma.
In public! It’s quite the faux pas.
But my mom acts no better;
She whips off her sweater
And leashes his neck with her bra.

Terry Marter:

My opinion is Doc you’ve got guts,
If you think that with no ifs or buts,
You can check out my glands
With your freezing cold hands.
The price of such folly? Your Nuts!

Lisi Nortman:

“Now listen here, know-it-all chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap!
At 90 years old,
I’m feelin’ real bold,
And will NOT fold my hands on my lap.”

Jean McEwen:

When dining with others, please chew,
And then swallow your food before you
Try to talk prematurely,
’Cause otherwise, surely,
You’ll spray those around you with goo.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With proboscis upturned she will pace,
As she sniffs with disdain at my place.
Acting snooty (it stinks),
It’s her duty (she thinks).
It’s as plain as the nose on her face.

Tim James:

I used to let people incite me;
I’d yell and invite them to fight me.
Good manners I learned
From the beat-downs I earned.
Now I calmly tell folks just to bite me.

Sondra Landin:

’Twas a must-attend ‘manners’ oration,
With dull discourse and scant information.
But then we could chug
Champagne from a mug!
That ‘manner’ sparked much jubilation!

Roger Haugen:

A blooming but bashful coquette
Bit into a luscious baguette;
The roll was so sweet,
She barfed on her feet.
A societal queen? Not just yet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Darling daughter, you must act with grace.
Keep a sweet, pleasant smile on your face.
Use a tissue to sneeze.
Say ‘thank you’ and ‘please.'”
“Thank you, Mama. Please get off my case!”

Tony Holmes:

In the etiquette stakes meine frau
Has the lead by a nose. This is how:
When in flatulent mode,
She will clench, as per code,
Then discreetly release as a sough.

Steve Benko:

Amy Vanderbilt once made a rule
That a gentleman never should drool.
But where topless girls prance
On the beaches of France,
To enforce it would surely be cruel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (472)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.

But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:

She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.

As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.

His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”

Terry Marter:

They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.

Lisi Nortman:

The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”

Kirk Miller:

When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.

Sondra Landin:

My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).

Tony Holmes:

There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.

Diane Groothuis:

A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”

Jean McEwen:

When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”

Steve Benko:

In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.

Dave Johnson:

His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.

Roger Haugen:

What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.

Tim James:

I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.

Terry Marter:

When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!

Mark Totterdell:

His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.

Bob Turvey:

1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.

Lisi Nortman:

A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (468)

Saturday, May 1st, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Although gone, she was strangely alert.
Still a nudge, even under the dirt.
Right there at her plot,
A voice said, “Do not
Come visit me wearing that shirt.”

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special DRONES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Robbers looting two royalty zones
(Later caught by police using drones)
Tried to hide their hot gear
In a hothouse. It’s clear! –
Thieves in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Clay Wild, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Mark Totterdell, and Neil Greenberg. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLOT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO DRONE LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

The part of the beach that was sought,
Would hide them from view, so they thought.
But during their tryst,
Came a drone through the mist;
Its lenses unraveled their plot.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLOT” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a hack on creating a plot:
“I put into my work all I’ve got.
When it starts to mature,
Then I add more manure.
And that’s how I come up with this rot.”

Jean McEwen:

The clots some folks got from the shot
Have hit only a few – not a lot.
Yet some dopes – their views aided
By Fox – are persuaded
The shot is some Faucian plot.

Tony Holmes:

At the junction, the cause for delay
Rushed right past us, and anger held sway.
“It’s a mob.” “That’s a lot!”
“And they’ve all lost the plot –
At the moment, they’ve riot of way.”

Rudy Landesman:

Apples fall off a tree quite a lot,
And gravity’s in on the plot.
So, there’s little disputin’:
It WAS Isaac Newton
Concocting that sauce sold by Mott.

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Hokey H. Pokey would shout:
“Hey, gravediggers, what’s this about?
I’m here in a plot,
It can’t be the right spot.
Cuz my left foot is still stickin’ out.

Tony Holmes:

“Boy meets girl has been done. We need plot!”
“What if boy loves girl’s mum, cos she’s hot?
Then the father, ignored,
Kills them all cos he’s bored—”
“Okay, now I’m on board—” “Then gets shot?”

“It’s too tame. You were doing so well.
Sex and murder, all great. That will sell.
But the ending – it’s lame.
Try again – up your game.”
“He’s redeemed by a vision of hell.”

Terry Marter:

Storm at sea wrecked our charts, – took the lot;
Blown away, fair to say “lost the plot.”
Now we’re in a fine mess;
We must send SOS:
Dot dot DOT, dash dash DASH, dot dot DOT.

Clay Wild:

Fragile campers in woods, deep and dense
Wolves and grizzlies and greed, self-defense
Murder myst’ry the plot
Twists and turns, like a knot
Safe to say, story line was ‘in tents’!

Tim James, who offers his “apologies to Mr. Shakespeare:”

Hamlet’s reading a book that he got —
Which he says he’s enjoying a lot —
About Yorick, alas!
As a read, it’s first-class
And he really is digging the plot.

Ms. Macbeth was the wife of a Scot
Who contrived a nefarious plot
To kill Duncan, the king.
Her dog saw the whole thing.
“You’re a BAD dog!” she said. “Out, damned Spot!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRONE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Toy store owners are asking themselves
About drones, so each one of them delves
Into records of sales,
And the trend that prevails
Is that drones have been flying off shelves.

Tim James:

Could your local delivery guy
Be replaced by a thing that can fly?
Might you order by phone
Pizza drop-off by drone?
I think not. That’s just pie in the sky.

Rudy Landesman:

A mother right down to the bone,
She’d lecture, she’d scold, and she’d drone.
She called ev’ry day
And then passed away.
Her grave, she regrets, has no phone.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ve relinquished the Edsel I own,
In exchange for a nice, compact drone.
Warn the Regs, “FLY UNMANNED!”
Which is what I have planned.
They say nothing about an old crone.

Jean McEwen:

The dullards I work with – such bores!
All their monotone rants about chores
Like their timesheets, their filing
And in-boxes piling
Induce in me nothing but snores!

Mark Totterdell:

The queen, that most key of all key bees,
Commands a whole army of she-bees
Who do all the work,
While the drones, who just shirk
And have sex are, you’ve guessed it, the he-bees.

Neil Greenberg:

There’s hardly a sound that is known
To bedevil us down to the bone
Like the buzz overhead
That fills me with dread:
Die and dissipate, damnable drone!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (467)

Saturday, April 17th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.

Sondra Landin:

The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”

Kirk Miller:

The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.

Tim James:

Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.

Brian Allgar:

The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.

Terry Marter:

In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.

Doug Harris:

As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.

Rudy Landesman:

The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?

Tim James:

A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

Mark Totterdell:

A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.

Jean McEwen:

It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.

Terry Marter:

Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.

Rudy Landesman:

A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.

Tim James:

“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”

Kirk Miller:

The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (466)

Saturday, March 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Population stats brought up to date,
Were one misanthrope’s happiest state.
His old heart filled with joy,
And he hollered, “Oh boy!
Nearly eight billion people to hate!”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Co-Worker-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Dave Johnson:

Those folks on the 21st floor
Decided to even the score.
Their break room was bare;
Chairs and tables not there.
Now our bathroom stalls – nary a door.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Ken Gosse, David Friedman, Gail White, Rudy Landesman, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “STATE/ESTATE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CO-WORKER LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Our office assistant was great;
She came from a northeastern state.
She’d talk about “caahs,”
Her favorite “baahs,”
And that baseball team Yankee fans hate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STATE or ESTATE” RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The Covid’s been spreading by stealth
And severely affecting our health.
We all can relate
That the health of our state
Is affecting the state of our wealth.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, who notes that pursuant to a 1949 New Jersey statute, it’s illegal to pump your own gas:

I’m a lady from Jersey with class.
I drink wine from a Waterford glass.
I own an estate,
Which of course is first-rate,
And I don’t have to pump my own gas.

Tony Holmes:

“Fare thee well, cruel world. Life’s too tough.
I am beaten. Enough is enough.
I bequeath my estate
To my dog. Let my fate
Be a warning – No! Wait! It’s a bluff!”

Bob Turvey:

Let’s consider the blood-sucking tick.
When gorged it is half an inch thick.
If squeezed in this state
By yourself, or a mate,
It explodes. It’s a great party trick.

Tim James:

“Legal reefer? The prospects aren’t great,”
Said my neighbor, who just couldn’t wait.
Wanting things to improve,
He decided to move.
Now he lives in a mellower state.

Terry Marter:

My beautiful country estate
I bequeath to my very best mate,
Plus some CCTV,
So at times he can see
All my relatives camped by the gate.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CO-WORKER LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

My assistant is clumsy and fat.
Today on my laptop he sat,
Knocked over my cup
And would not wipe it up…
It’s lucky for him he’s a cat.

Ken Gosse:

Deep silence fell over the crowd
When the boss started thinking aloud.
Phones came to a stop—
You could hear a pin drop—
For his mind was as blank as a shroud.

Lisi Nortman offers “Advice For The New Co-Worker:”

“I’d like you to be my good friend,
So there’s something you must comprehend:
To do well at this place,
Pose that “hard-working” face
And remember the key word “PRETEND.”

David Friedman:

In these days of Covidian doom
There’s a silver edge lining the gloom:
The folks we’re employing
Are far less annoying
When miles away on a Zoom.

Tim James:

Our salesmen are miserable guys.
All their revenue numbers are lies.
They imbibe to excess.
And promiscuous? Yes.
But there’s worse: they steal office supplies.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Oh, please get me out of this room.
My co-worker’s fully in bloom.
I cough and I sneeze
And I’m never at ease.
So I call her “Miss Too Much Perfume.”

Gail White:

Whenever my office-mates gather
At break-time for coffee and blather,
I add my two cents
Which are brief but intense,
And do I get bored with it? Rather!

Rudy Landesman, who calls it “The Mikado Redux.”

We’re three little maidens, are we.
Three street workers, out for a fee.
Without long delays
Sir Sullivan pays,
But Gilbert, he gets it for free.

Mark Totterdell:

There was a young chemist called Bess
Who, to her co-workers’ distress,
Farted CO2, N,
CH4, H, and then
Finished off with some pure H2S.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (465)

Saturday, March 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Dodos died, so it’s tragic but true
That there’s nobody left now who knew
Of the shape or the length
Or olfactory strength
Of the doo-doos a dodo would do.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BUGS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Brian Allgar:

I’d begun to have sex in the grass
With the prettiest girl in my class,
When “Oh God!” cried the chick,
“What a terrible prick!”
… She’d been bitten by ants in the ass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order. (There are more than usual because it was a very strong week for entries, both in terms of quantity and quality.) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BUGS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Now that COVID is practically through
And we’ve all had a jab — maybe two —
Can we take our guitars
And sit under the stars
As we sing (and pass round) Mountain Dew?

This old folkie’s not put off by bugs
Or by (mild) recreational drugs,
But I surely do long
To exchange — not just song,
But a thing that’s far better — real hugs!

Thomas Vincent:

Each time that I feel down and blue,
I munch on an insect or two.
Though humans like hugs,
I’ll just stick to bugs.
What else is a shrew s’pposed to do?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When Satan came sauntering through
The salon door, the hairdresser knew
She could NOT blow him off.
So she fashioned his coif,
Thereby giving the devil his ’do.

Terry Marter:

I woke you (at quarter-to-two)
To show you I’ve written “I Do,”
And be sure you can see
That line four rhymes with three.
You can go back to sleep now – I’m through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone

A baby’s a dream that comes true.
Can’t believe my sweet girl’s almost two.
But her dad’s of no use;
He’ll use any excuse
Not to change her when she makes a doo.

Sondra Landin:

We’ve had a long friendship, we two.
In good and bad years we pulled through.
But times are a-changing;
Our needs now far-ranging.
Let’s say our adieus sans ado.

Thomas Vincent:

If you want to use something that’s new,
Try our super thick, quick-drying glue.
But take care and beware;
If applied to your hair,
You surely will rue your new do.

Tony Holmes:

How you’re greeted will give you the clue.
You’re in Britain: It’s “How do you do?”
Down in Oz, it’s “Goo’ day!”
And in Paree so gay,
It’s “Bonjour” and then “Merci beaucoup.”

In some states they say “Howdy!” (It’s true.)
In some others, “Hey ya’ll” or “Hey you.”
“How’s it hangin’?” is hip,
Though “Whassup?” has more zip,
And for Cajuns, “Bonjour” and “Adieu.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Noah boarded the beasts two-by-two —
’Twas a task the Big Boss bade him do.
He faced it, unblinking,
But couldn’t help thinking,
“The world is becoming a zoo.”

Sue Dulley:

I’m Sue. This is long overdue –
I never was born, I just grew.
So how can this be?
It was quite clear to me;
My parents were too shy to screw.

Dave Johnson:

While looking for something to do,
He dialed up a lady he knew,
Saying “Hey, I’m so bored.”
She said “Here’s your reward
For calling – now come bore me too.”

David Friedman:

There’s a raunchy giraffe at the zoo
Who shouts (as giraffes seldom do):
“If you think my neck’s long
Just look at my schlong!”
Then pisses to show that it’s true.

Gail White:

I’m claiming, without more ado,
That my Biblical visions are true,
While your foolish reliance
On reason and science
Reflects very poorly on you.

Terry Marter:

The clairvoyants’ convention was due.
They had asked us along. (We all flew.)
At Departure that night,
They all cancelled their flight,
So we cancelled ours too – wouldn’t you?!

Dave Johnson:

It came while in bed from her side;
A quiver she couldn’t quite hide.
Although they were through,
He asked “What did you do?”
“Just gave you a hand,” she replied.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BUGS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A diner, so bugged by the guy
Who waited his table, yelled “Fie!
You have managed to pour
On my lap soup du jour,
And now there’s a soup in my fly!”

Brian Allgar:

Damned mosquitoes! It isn’t the pain
That is driving me slowly insane,
But that nerve-racking whine
As they zoom in to dine
Once again, and again, and again!

Dave Johnson:

I’m puzzled what everyone sees
In purchasing items like these.
They’re blankets and such
Which I’d rather not touch
That come from a market of fleas.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Hey, mosquito, let’s have a nice chat.
Don’t be shy, cuz I know where you’re at.
You’ve sucked up my blood,
But I’ll be your best “bud”
If you guzzle up some of my fat.

Terry Marter:

Some beetles are bullies and thugs
That treat the less wary as mugs.
But some, bright and gay,
Go out of their way
To stop and give lady bugs hugs!

Dave Johnson:

“I’ll tell you who bugs me the most,”
She said to the afternoon host.
“It’s people you ask
About wearing a mask
Who claim that their ‘freedom’ is toast.”

“But now that the vaccines are here,
Their purpose in life becomes clear.
They scheme and design
To be there first in line;
I hope they get shot in the rear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A pillbug, aggrieved, won’t reveal it;
When insulted, he tries not to feel it.
Called a “sow” or a “louse,”
He’ll be tempted to grouse,
But rolls up in a ball to conceal it.

Tony Holmes:

When disporting alfresco, beware!
Gnats and midges may nest in your hair.
This, in turn, makes you itch –
And that itch is a bitch.
It’s a high price to pay for fresh air.

Tim James:

Insurrectionist Klein loudly cursed:
“Damn these roaches! They’re simply the worst!
Move me out of here! Ick!”
But the roaches were quick:
They petitioned to move him out first.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (464)

Saturday, February 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The stuff we call Time can’t be seen;
One instant it’s here, – then it’s been.
When you kiss on a hill,
It sublimely stands still,
But in Greenwich, U.K. it’s just mean.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Weed(s)-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Tim James:

How’s a gardener battling weeds
Like a john craving sexual deeds?
Answer: Each has a goal
At the end of a pole.
A ho(e) will serve both of their needs.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Rudy Landesman, John Edwards, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Suzanne Heymann, Jean McEwen, Bob Turvey, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO “WEEDs” LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

At last, it’s stopped freezing and snowing;
It’s Spring, and my garden is growing …
Bloody hell! I’ve just seen
Mother Nature’s been mean –
It’s only the weeds that are showing!

Rudy Landesman:

My last lim’rick, I now must concede
Did not mention a single wild weed.
And I’m sure you have seen
My misplacement of “mean,”
Two egregious transgressions, indeed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MEAN or MIEN or DEMEAN” RHYME DIVISION)

John Edwards:

There once was a weedy old dean
Who made up a lewd mondegreen.
His crude oronym,
He penned on a whim.
But what, you might ask, did demean?

Sondra Landin:

My dishwasher’s gone on the blink,
Dirty dishes piled high in the sink.
And I find it so mean:
There’re no guests to be seen;
They fled fast after food and last drink!

Kirk Miller:

There once was a woman named Jean
Who had the most dignified mien.
“I’m addicted to soap,”
She admitted. “I hope
That with treatment, I’ll soon become clean.”

Thomas Vincent:

Ophelia’s a regular teen
Whose grades always fall in between;
Not high and not low,
Just average, although
To note it still seems pretty mean.

Tim James:

A woman whose skin is bright green
Is the nastiest witch ever seen.
She will terrorize you
(And your little dog, too).
Her behavior in toto is mean.

David Friedman:

The wife of poor Jeremy Green
Is the nastiest bitch ever seen;
To hell she’d subject him,
Then offer her rectum,
The end justifying the mean.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s angry and mean;
Still constantly venting his spleen.
But lately the spew
Is no longer in view;
His Twitter bird flew from the scene.

Tim James:

Right-wing hacks used to hurry to score
Angry points in their “cultural war” —
To be first on the scene
With their rage, loud and mean.
But today? There’s no Rush anymore.

Dave Johnson:

He shows a cantankerous mien;
Intent on provoking a scene.
He’s letting us know
Just who’s running the show:
Our cat, when his box isn’t clean.

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

My retriever is halfway between
Pale yellow and orange in sheen.
If you think he’s a cur,
Take a look at his fur —
He’s authentic. A real Golden Mean.

Bob Turvey:

Six women, all young, fit and keen
Wanted ACTION (you know what I mean) –
Now they all loved one guy,
And he said he would try –
The funeral’s next week in Racine.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WEED(s) LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I admit that I lose all control
When I’m dancing to rock or to soul.
Then I get me some weed.
(Satisfaction indeed!)
It’s so cool when I rock and then roll.

Suzanne Heymann:

If you give groups of boys each a gun,
Pretty soon they will shoot ev’ryone.
But put weed in their hand
And they soon form a band
And spread peace in the land, having fun.

Jean McEwen:

The brownies I bake? Guaranteed
To please the whole crowd. I’ll concede:
They can taste a bit grassy,
But folks find them classy.
My secret? I spike them with weed!

Bob Turvey:

Said a nudist, “I love stinging nettles –
I sting both their leaves and their petals
With a weedkiller spray
Which just burns them away
And I relish those old scores it settles!

Sjaan vandenBroeder:

The weeds in my yard make me leery;
Tall creatures that stalk me — it’s eerie.
They hide pistils that shoot
Through my foil hazmat suit.
(It’s true. Not conspiracy theory.)

Tony Holmes:

Lawn perfectionist, Emerson Flaunts,
Would wake screaming. “The image! It haunts!
Grinning up from the sward,
Like a Mardi Gras horde,
Dandelions and daisies hurl taunts.”

David Friedman:

The drug couns’lor asked, “Who would need
This bud or this leaf or this seed?
And who’d waste an hour
Just smoking this flower?”
We speedily answered him: “We’d!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

What with weeds, germs, and virus galore,
I was sure we had ev’ry known spore.
But it seems we are short
The microbial sort,
So we’ve flown off to Mars to get more.

Dave Johnson:

When deer are out doing their deeds,
This guideline each one of them heeds:
“We’re claiming these flowers
And yard plants as ours;
Those humans can have all the weeds.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (461)

Saturday, January 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Santa pleaded and begged, and cajoled;
In response, though, his missus was bold:
“Me, get naked in here?
It’s the Arctic, my dear!”
It’s a drag when your gal is so cold.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Knitting, Sewing, and/or Other Needlework Crafts-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Bad news,” said the doctor, dismayed,
As the craft teacher’s X-rays displayed:
“Though the six weeks have passed,
I can’t take off your cast,
’Cause the bones haven’t knit. They’ve… crocheted!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order). Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Byron Miller, Michael Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Steve Benko Diane Groothuis, Konrad Schwoerke, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “COLD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO KNITTING, SEWING, & OTHER NEEDLEWORK CRAFTS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

I took on a small sewing task
To make me a nice comfy mask.
So, lo and behold
Now my face isn’t cold
Anymore. (Yes, I’m old. Need you ask?)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COLD” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

On the stump, grumpy Trump (so it’s told),
Grumbled, “Freezing my ass off gets old.”
Maybe if he hangs tough,
He’ll end up soon enough,
In that place where it NEVER gets cold.

Byron Miller:

A lothario’s lust had gone cold
For a woman of size he’d cajoled;
Toward ecstasy driven,
All night, he had striven,
But never did find the right fold.

Sue Dulley:

She longed to wear clothes that were bold,
Even daring; risque’, truth be told,
But she really felt better
In jeans and a sweater –
It’s hard to look hot when you’re cold.

Michael P Moulton:

In an attitude scathing and cold,
Jim Jordan, a self-righteous scold,
Said our founders would never
Back closures; however,
They’re dead, so they cannot be polled.

Rudy Landesman:

America, we have been told,
Has streets that are all lined with gold.
That’s small consolation
For those in our nation
Who huddle and freeze in the cold.

Lisi Nortman, for her “The Seven Dwarfs”

Mr. Grumpy could not be controlled.
Mr. Bashful would always withhold
His longing for friends
And trying new trends.
And Sneezy, of course, had a cold.

Mr. Happy was cheerful and bold.
He couldn’t wake Sleepy, (I’m told.)
Mr. Dopey was thick.
Doc cured all the sick
Except Sneezy, who still had that cold.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (KNITTING, SEWING, & OTHER NEEDLEWORK CRAFTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

A stitch in time (some say) saves nine,
Which doesn’t quite rhyme, but that’s fine.
So before it gets worse
I will sew up this verse
Just by adding this fifth and last line.

Tim James:

I resolved to give knitting a try,
But I’m clumsy. It all went awry.
I got tangled in yarn
And — oh heck and gosh darn —
A needle near put out my eye.

Tony Holmes:

Manly knitting – what might that entail?
Knitting socks while you languish in jail?
Or at sea, while you pitch?
Careful! Don’t drop that stitch!
Never mind that it’s blowing a gale.

Steve Benko:

Said young Betsy, “Oh, George, please don’t nag,
For I’m almost done sewing your flag.
Now, as for my fee,
Sir, O say can you see
I’m a widow in need of a shag?”

Diane Groothuis:

I took up my needle and thread
To make a nice hat for my head.
But my greatest faux pas
In these times was, by fah,
A baseball cap colored bright red.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Jack, a drunkard, fell splitting his head,
But Jill fixed him with needle and thread.
Both his trauma was mended
And drinking was ended
When she stitched the fool’s scalp to the bed.

Suzanne Heymann:

Some ladies’ club held in a barn
Would embroider, knit, sew, crochet, darn.
Their gossip manure
Made them look immature,
But those grannies could sure spin a yarn!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (460)

Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I just giggle at gaggles of geese,
And find slithers of snakes mere caprice;
But if you produce moose
Too profuse — running loose —
I will shriek, “Help! Police! We’ve got meese!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ART-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A photographer said, “While it’s true
I take pictures of folks as they screw,
It’s a form of pure art.
It shows love, warmth, and heart.”
Yeah, my lim’ricks are “poetry,” too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Paul Haebig, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ART LIMERICKS)

Tony Holmes:

When the world closes in, I vamoose
And take refuge. Surrounded by spruce,
I reflect on my art
Till it’s time to depart,
As I’m only a part-time recluse.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

After tests, Donald’s doctors deduce
There’s a brain, but it isn’t much use.
From the scan, they surmise
It’s the color and size
Of a teaspoon of chocolate mousse.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

For those lovers of custard out there,
Here’s a dieting tip I must share:
If you fear too much mousse
May enlarge your caboose,
Eat just half. Put the rest in your hair.

Tim James:

Her hair was long, lovely, and loose;
Then she teased it and slicked it with mousse.
The new ’do, sad to say,
Drove her boyfriend away.
Perhaps ’twas the color: chartreuse.

Sue Dulley:

I have stopped using hairspray and mousse.
They never were very much use.
My hair is unruly,
But really and truly
Who cares, since I’m now a recluse.

Paul Haebig:

This kitchen! There’s nothing of use!
I wanted to make choc’late mousse.
And I really was keen
To cook some tagine,
But there’s only enough to make cous.

Byron Miller:

“Need a bull who fits tightly, not loose,”
Sighs a cow in the mood for a goose.
Thinking kosher – no hoods,
She traverses the woods
On her search for a certain-sized moose.

Fred Bortz:

He called her “My precious papoose.”
She laughed and replied, “Silly goose.”
But romance went awry.
When they snuggled, the guy
Got so hot that he smelled like a moose.

Roger Haugen:

He tried and he tried, but no use —
“I can’t finish this great Christmas goose.”
But a little dessert
He thought wouldn’t hurt,
As he plowed through his third choc’late mousse.

Brian Allgar:

They’d gone hunting, but due to disuse,
Eric’s grip on the trigger was loose,
And he shot brother Don,
Who’s now mounted upon
A gold plaque that was meant for a moose.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ART LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Andy Warhol, the Campbell Soup man,
Produced pop-art peeved pundits would pan:
“It won’t pass!” “It’s absurd!”
“He’s so crass!” They concurred.
Still, he wouldn’t stop painting his can.

Fred Bortz:

A critic who hates bold abstraction
Expresses his dissatisfaction:
“You’d have to be bollocks
To say Jackson Pollocks
Display a deliberate action.”

Kirk Miller:

When the art teacher did a critique
Of my work, my art future looked bleak.
And I listened with dread
When the art teacher said
To brush up on my painting technique.

Dave Johnson:

Bill’s stint – posing naked for art
Got off to a glorious start
When he debuted his ass
At the newly-filled class
By launching a tear-gassing fart.

Terry Marter, for his “Performance Art”

A performer we went out to see,
Hurled a boom’rang past row 43.
He said “Will it come back?”
A big guy at the back
Yelled “It Will if it Fuckin’ hits ME!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (459)

Saturday, December 19th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Those in line surreptitiously groan,
“He’s been in there all day with his phone.”
But they’d rather implode
Than the King discommode,
So they won’t push him off of the throne.

Congratulations to PAUL HAEBIG, who wins the Special MARKET-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My trip to the market was fruitless,
Also vegetable-, stem-, stalk-, and root-less.
They have nothing I need,
But it’s still guaranteed
When I’m done with my shopping I’m loot-less.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Tony Holmes, Terry Marter, Craig Dykstra, Doug Harris, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Bob Turvey, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Sjaan VandenBroeder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MODE/MOWED/COMMODE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

My dad had a very large load
Of bad jokes, which he loved (and it showed.)
“How’d that brave frontier guy,
Davy Crockett, like pie?”
The right answer, of course: “Alamo’d.”

Tony Holmes:

Mister Keats wrote an ode to an urn,
Which is why I will try, in my turn,
To compose you an ode
To my treasured commode.
I’m no Keats, I am sure you’ll discern.

Terry Marter:

We had an old leaky commode
Where the pipes had begun to corrode.
One day, when Mum flushed,
It all bust, and out gushed
The full contents, – a fine Mother-load.

Craig Dykstra:

On the beach, in her thong, she bestowed⁣
Treats to onlookers – everything showed!⁣
But now back home in Philly⁣
Her short skirts are chilly –⁣
She’s regretting her “Pie à la Mowed.”

Tim James:

She’s in furious spring-cleaning mode;
Her superfluous stuff she’ll unload.
Ancient clothing, CDs,
Old computers, TVs,
And her boyfriend sit out by the road.

Doug Harris:

With fashion-sense I’ve been bestowed.
(A picture should shortly upload.)
My barber’s main style
Is ‘farm rank & file.’
He says it’s all quite à-la-mowed!

Sharon Neeman:

Since I learned my cat knows the word “vet,”
I say “market” to baffle the pet —
But this morning, I erred
And employed the right word,
And we’re both now extremely upset:

Kitty leaped into daredevil mode!
All the way down the counter she strode,
Then flew up to the freezer!
She’s STILL there. Can’t seize her.
I mustn’t forget to use code.

Fred Bortz:

Marie Antoinette wrote an ode
To the people on whose backs she rode.
But she made a mistake
Saying, “Let them eat cake!”
When it should have been pie a la mode.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MARKET LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

An Invisible Hand’s said to be
Guiding markets, as long as they’re free.
Well, I’ve seen it. It mocks
Ev’ry one of my stocks.
Guess which finger it’s raising at me.

Brian Allgar:

“That’s a great deal on eBay,” I mused.
“Thirty toilet rolls – can’t be refused!”
But today, what I got ….
Well, I’d failed to spot
The description “Condition is: USED.”

Sharon Neeman:

I need food! How to get to the market?
By car? I’ll have no place to park it.
By bus? I’m too lazy —
Me? Bike?? Are you crazy???
I guess I’ll stay hungry… oh, fark it.

Terry Marter:

At the auction, my earlier tea
Found my bladder just bursting to pee;
Raised my hand for a pause
To attend to my cause.
Oops – too late – I now own a Dalí.

Bob Turvey:

Said our marketing man, “A sensation!
Our dildoes have thrilled the whole nation.
Why in South Delaware
We’ve the whole market share;
We’ve a hundred percent penetration.”

Lisi Nortman:

I went shopping today on a spree!
For breakfast, I only had tea!
I was starving; went wild,
Like an uncontrolled child.
I’m the proud owner now of aisle three.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Four piggies to market were taken.
(The fifth was too smart to awaken.)
One went all to pieces
And faked enuresis.
The rest had to bring home the bacon.

Tim James:

At the market — it’s more like a zoo —
There are crowds, but the face masks are few.
So much saleable stuff!
But it isn’t enough
’Cause these people still can’t buy a clue.

Tony Holmes:

Gladys fancied a farmer she’d met
At the market. Her only regret
Was that much of his food
Was, in shape, very rude,
And she’d blush like a seasoned coquette.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (458)

Saturday, December 5th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“To my girlfriend,” wrote ardent Bernard
(Who considered himself quite the bard),
“You’re a treasure, sweet Jo;
You make love like a pro.”
He got dumped. Writing poetry’s hard!

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special LITIGATION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’m poor now, but boy, if you knew me
When I was still rich, that’s the true me!
I said, “I’m the king!
Bow down! Kiss my ring!”
But I shouldn’t have added, “So sue me!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Dave Johnson, Mark Mironer, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, Terry Marter, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Konrad Schwoerke, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARD, BARRED, DISBARRED, or BOMBARD” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

You can use it for salads or stock;
You can smoke it like pot (that’s no crock.)
You can even bombard
Streets with petrified chard
To keep leaf blowers off of your block.

Dave Johnson:

Our nation is limping and scarred
By his criminal lack of regard.
With Trump on the way
Out the door, I do pray
That his next house is walled-off and barred.

Mark Mironer:

Poor Donnie is taking it hard
So he’s hunting for votes to discard.
Sent his crooked A.G.
On a fraud faking spree.
Certifiably Barr’ll be disbarred.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Would you care for a piece of my chard?”
(But by “piece” I was sure he meant “shard.”)
“Not one fragment, one sliver,”
Said I with a shiver.
(From my table these days Sade is barred.)

Brian Allgar:

The windows were padlocked and barred.
The detectives were stumped; Scotland Yard
Called a private detective
Who’d prove more effective:
“Sherlock Holmes” was the name on his card.

Inspector Lestrade was quite shocked
By how quickly the case was unblocked.
Said Holmes, “Element’ry!
The burglar gained entry
By op’ning this door – it’s not locked!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LITIGATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

Two confectioners rushed into court,
Each demanding, “You must try my torte!”
“Let the jury decide,”
Said the judge. “I’ll preside.
We’re in session. Let counsel exhort!”

Brian Allgar:

Rudy cries “I’ll continue to sue
Ev’ry state that attempts to vote blue!
And as for my face,
It’s a total disgrace,
So I’m suing those dye-makers too.”

Sharon Neeman:

It behooves the American nation,
In this era of grave infestation,
To wash hands and wear masks,
Avoid crowds and shared flasks,
And refrain from inane litigation.

Terry Marter:

It’s goodbye to that house you’re vacating
And straight to that cell block awaiting.
You can pout, you can frown,
But you’re still goin’ down.
It’s over, — no courtroom debating.

Tim James:

A man filing suit after suit
Found that none of them bore any fruit.
Plus, his client, a jerk,
May not pay for the work.
Rudy couldn’t have been less astute.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Did you kill that girl some folks called Flo?
Whose cheeks were so pink that they’d glow?”
“Well, I chopped off her head
And then left her for dead.”
“Mr. Johnson, please say, “yes” or “no.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A young con man who knew no chagrin,
Told his dad, “I’m so practiced at spin,
I should go into Law.”
“That sounds good,” said his paw.
“I was hoping you’d turn yourself in.”

Konrad Schwoerke:

I’d not promised a thing when she blew me,
So her lawyer’s curt letter sure threw me.
I don’t fathom what HE meant
By “oral agreement,”
But I’ll lick her in court should she sue me.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (457)

Saturday, November 21st, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

This may not be a subject for jokes,
But I’m one of a whole bunch of folks
Who’d be pleased if a spell
Turned the Leader from Hell
To a frog… and won’t mind if he croaks.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special CONFESSION-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“As I watched Mrs. Smithers undress,
I confess, I was under duress.
Were it not for the ropes
That now shackled my hopes,
I would leap to her side and transgress.”

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Hi, I’m Rick; I’m a lim’rickaholic.
Through these fun little verses I frolic,
Neglecting my wife
And all else in my life.
(These poems are so damn diabolic!)

As I lie awake nights, I confesses
I am not counting sheep, only stresses.
Is that line “da da DUM?”
Will the rhyme to me come?
All my lims seem meandering messes.

Is there help somewhere, ’fore I just drop?
I feel like my brain’s gonna pop.
So I must get away,
At least for one day.
(What the heck. Just one more. Then I’ll stop!)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Paul Haebig, Doug Harris, Jean McEwen, Fred Bortz, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPELL or DISPEL OR MISSPELL” RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

I call, um, the powers of hell…
I can never remember this spell!
To mix up the potion,
Which way is the motion?
And how many tolls of the bell?

Doug Harris:

Old Merlin ain’t feeling too well:
“This brewing of leeches is hell.
Dismembering toads
Is disturbing me loads.
I think I’ll lie down for a spell …”

Jean McEwen:

One word I routinely misspell
Is the proper noun “Madduhmoyzell.”
Native French speakers hiss
At my substitute (“Miss”)–
But it covers my deficit well.

Fred Bortz:

In wizard school I have done well.
I’m super at casting a spell.
Though she barks like a dog,
And he croaks like a frog,
My Bubbie and Zadie still kvell.

Lisi Nortman:

Some foreigners try hard to spell.
Yet with plurals they’ll never excel.
If “mouses” are mice,
But “houses” ain’t “hice,”
What’s the diff’rence, and how can they tell?

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

They’re too much for mere mortals to handle —
Ceaseless lies and continuous scandal.
So for Joe to dispel
All these demons from Hell,
He’ll be needing a bell, book and candle.

Brian Allgar:

my teechers complaned I cant spell
punktuashun is louzy as well
still evrywun sez
i desserve to be prez
but joe byden has cheeted like hell

Tim James:

Said the raconteur: “Come, set a spell.
Here’s a story I’ve wanted to tell:
This young gal — such a dream! —
Slipped and fell in a stream.
So I spent the day wringing that belle.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I remember my skool days so well,
When lunch was anounced by a bell.
We’d sit in a grupe
Sharing alphabet supe.
And that’s where I lerned how to spel.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CONFESSION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

O Father, my life’s not fulfilling.
I obsess about things that are chilling.
I confess that I drink;
I can’t stop, cuz I think
That I just may replace it with killing.

Jean McEwen:

Priests must sublimate all their aggressions
And give up almost all their possessions.
But their job has one perk:
In the booth, they can jerk
Off discreetly to kinky confessions.

Sharon Neeman:

Someone here’s made an absolute mess!
Ate my sandwich, threw up on my dress,
Tracked in mud on my bed…
T.S. Eliot said,
“The cat knows, but will never confess.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Confession has sacred appeal.
You avow what you’ve tried to conceal.
It cleanses the soul.
Once again, you feel whole.
Then continue to lie, cheat and steal.

Brian Allgar:

The Bishop said: “Hear my confession …”
The priest wore a puzzled expression.
“But why come to me?”
Said the Bish, “Well, you see,
It was YOUR wife who caused my transgression.”

Tony Holmes:

Seems confession is good for the soul.
I, for one, have gained much on the whole.
I confessed what I’d seen
To my dad and Darleen,
And they added some cash to my roll.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (455)

Saturday, October 24th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

While shopping for clothes, be astute.
It’s for work, so not overly cute.
Geez, that jacket’s a sack!
Please don’t pick off the rack—
All you’ll find is some low-hanging suit.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special NEIGHBOR-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I’ve a house in the country. Out there,
I have quiet, clear skies, and fresh air.
But it isn’t all nice.
I found out there’s a price
When my neighbor got et by a bear.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SUIT/PURSUIT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO NEIGHBOR LIMERICKS)

Tony Holmes:

“Well, dear neighbour, I think you can tell
It’s been good fun to visit a spell.
But like every pursuit,
Brief is best, lest its fruit
Should turn bitter. I bid you farewell!”

Brian Allgar:

I’m engaged in a lustful pursuit
Of my neighbor, who’s temptingly cute.
So I long for the day
When her husband’s away;
“Love thy neighbor” – the Bible’s my route!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Get a cauldron that’s really top notch;
Add some gin and six bottles of scotch,
Toe of frog, eye of newt —
It’s a charm that should suit
When you’re out there on Neighborhood Watch.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SUIT/PURSUIT” RHYME DIVISION)

Paul Haebig:

Long after our water was poured
The waiter appeared, looking bored.
“I can tell by your suit
The specials are moot;
There’s nothing that you could afford.”

Brian Allgar:

“They call me a crook and a brute,
But it seems that they don’t give a hoot
For Obama’s great crime –
The guy should do time
For wearing that tan-colored suit!”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

All I want is a guy who is cute.
I don’t care if he’s nice or astute.
Yet my mom knows a lot
And she said I should not
Continue this triv’yal pursuit.

Tony Holmes:

It is best, when preparing good food,
Not to do so when tiddly and nude.
Quite apart from the fruit
Leaving stains on your ‘suit,’
You’ll have guests who’ll regard it as rude.

Tim James:

When she opened her door, he was mute.
She had dolled herself up, no dispute.
Hair and make-up? Chef’s kiss.
But the kicker was this:
Her exceedingly fine birthday suit.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I was once in addictive pursuit
Of campaign buttons (ugly or cute.)
But now I’ve no use
For button abuse —
Except for the one labeled “Mute.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NEIGHBOR LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

My neighbor (a snoot and a snoop)
Parks herself, every day, on the stoop
Of her spic and span house
And proceeds, then, to grouse
About all of the dogs she sees poop.

Dave Johnson:

The couple upstairs didn’t care
If they broadcast their steamy affair.
At first, “Oohs” and “Aahs”
Followed up with a pause;
Then an “Uuh” to announce he was there.

Tim James:

My neighbor emits quite a din
From the next-door apartment she’s in.
With her boyfriend, Big Rod,
She cries out to her God.
How I wish that the walls weren’t so thin!

Tony Holmes:

If your neighbor should give you the eye,
Don’t rush in! Stop, and ask yourself, “Why?”
She is young, bold and hot,
And let’s face it, you’re not;
Then again, Bud, go reach for the sky!

Dave Johnson:

He’s known as the neighborhood pest;
As merely “Hello” will attest.
When trapped in a chat,
One solution for that:
Proclaiming that Trump is the best.

Tony Holmes:

Our new neighbors look friendly enough –
And compliant. No need to get tough.
Give them time, early days;
Once they’re trained in our ways,
We’ll pop over and borrow their stuff.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It appears that my neighbors have started
To wear face masks with slogans imparted:
’Cross the street lives “Free Hugs,”
On the corner “Got Drugs?”
Right next door “Blah Blah Blah” and “Who Farted?”

Konrad Schwoerke:

Though your home is the fruit of your labors,
You might not get to pick your close neighbors.
Sure most couples will fight,
But all day and all night?
And on horseback with cavalry sabers?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (453)

Saturday, September 26th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

To the open-air church on my street,
Cautious cats come to prey and to eat.
From clean tables they’ll scrounge,
But on chairs they won’t lounge —
Not until they have sprayed every seat.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special ADVICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Turn left – I have now told you twice!”
But he simply ignored her advice.
Moses knew he was right,
Led them on day and night …
Forty years in the desert, the price.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jean McEwen, Tim James, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Cyn, Terry Marter, Michael Moulton, Tony Holmes, and Lisi Nortman Ardissone. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ADVICE LIMERICKS)

Jean McEwen:

If you are determined to cheat
On your spouse, for god’s sake, be discreet.
When your conduct’s impure,
Make sure you secure
Your cell phone to shield your deceit.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SEAT or DECEIT or RECEIPT OR CONCEIT” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A gal thought her life incomplete
’Cause her butt wasn’t pert or petite.
When her doc showed her pics
Of a possible fix,
She said, “Nice! Please reserve me this seat!”

Paul Haebig:

I’m glad that I kept the receipt.
That butcher’s a terrible cheat!
The label said “Beef,”
But I just found a leaf.
This meat was peeled off of the street!

Brian Allgar:

The lookalike actor was hired
To be ridiculed. Here’s what transpired:
Donald smirked. “Take a seat …”
Then he waited a beat
Before screaming “Obama, you’re fired!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I have warts; I have hair on my feet;
Yellow teeth, and a laugh like a bleat.
I have gaping gaposis
And niggling neurosis.
But something I DON’T have? Conceit.

Cyn:

A husband conceded defeat:
“I admit it,” said he, “I’ve been beat —
My wife’s many affairs
Are like musical chairs
With some other man taking my seat.”

Terry Marter:

There’s a church at the end of our street,
Where the Sunday “good” folk take their seat.
But OUR prayers are said,
As we lie in our bed,
Screaming “Oh-My-God” under the sheet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ADVICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Mike Moulton:

In the Twittersphere some just excuse
Trump’s corruption as seen on the news.
And ignoring his lies,
They seek to advise
Sen. Harris on her choosing her shoes.

Tony Holmes:

“My advice? Take the money and run.
Find some sunshine, relax and have fun.
Life is short, make it sweet;
Snatch a win from defeat,
And from now on make you number one!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I’ll dispense free advice to relieve
Any grumbler with gripes to aggrieve.
I’m quite gen’rous that way;
There’s no need to repay.
I say better to give than receive.

Lisi Nortman says:

A word to the wise may be nice.
But the truth (to be very precise)
Is they don’t need your views,
Cause to them it’s not news.
It’s the dumb ones who need your advice.

Tony Holmes, for his “Advice To A Young Bride.”

“He’ll get fresh – they all do. Make a din.
It’s a contest of wills – don’t give in!
He will claim it’s his right,
That you must – every night;
But hold out till he begs, and you win!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (452)

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A dude tried to show he had brass
When he mounted a burro. Alas!
He displayed ev’ry sign
That he’d had too much wine.
He fell down. He was drunk off his ass.

Congratulations to RICHARD CAMPBELL, who wins the Special DRIVING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Just keep driving like one of the crazies
In a movie of Martin Scorsese’s.
Excess speeding and drinking?
Bad business, I’m thinking.
Next parking spot? Under the daisies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Paul Haebig, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WINE/WHINE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A hiccup if muted is fine,
A belch you don’t hear is benign,
But let’s speak the truth,
A fart’s like vermouth–
An odorous, fortified whine.

Brian Allgar:

A warning to drinkers: red wine
Could blacken your toenails, like mine.
A whole case of Bordeaux
Got dropped on my toe!
(It was Chateau Margaux ’89.)

Jean McEwen:

Snobbish oenophiles tend to malign
Two Buck Chuck as inferior wine.
But I must disagree
’Cause it’s cheap, and to me
It’s as good as the ones they call “fine.”

Lisi Nortman:

My life has been working out fine.
My job is just simply divine.
The boss is real nice;
Always gives good advice.
It’s eight hours a day, nine to wine.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Are mere worker ants creatures divine?
Here’s one antic observed that’s a sign:
Back and forth they will traipse
Over vines to haul grapes
So both soldiers and queens can have wine.

Paul Haebig:

The tourist in Frankfurt am Main
said “Neun” when he should have said “Nein.”
So a half hour later
The puzzled young waiter
Returned with nine bottles of wine.

Tony Holmes:

“What to pair? That’s the beauty of wine;
An adventure whenever you dine.
I found hotdogs today,
So I thought, ‘Beaujolais!’”
“Hic! I’d rather have claret with mine.”

Bob Turvey:

When Policewoman Smith came to town,
To arrest handsome barrister Brown,
He took her to dine;
He plied her with wine;
Then he finally laid the law down.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

She used her sat-nav every day;
Each instruction she’d blindly obey.
But her drive was ill-fated;
The map was outdated –
The bridge had been taken away.

Tim James:

My son does one-ten on the flats.
He runs red lights and stop signs. His stats:
Seven tickets, two wrecks.
It’s had major effects:
Care to guess where he’s driving me? Bats.

Lisi Nortman says:

The Ferrari is driven with force.
It’s a car that most experts endorse.
Yet sometimes I ponder
The “great wild blue yonder”
And wonder what’s wrong with a horse.

Dave Johnson:

Our hazardous mission today
Might be a good reason to pray.
We’ll struggle and strive
With the will to survive
That freeway that runs through L.A.

Suzanne Heymann:

When some guy in a fast Lamborghini
Flirts with gals when they wear a bikini
And their eyes see the prize,
He just compensates (tries)
For the little wee size of his weenie.

Steve Benko:

Said Miss Daisy, “Let’s go somewhere, Hoke;
Take the wheel, for with me, we would croak.
When we get to the woods,
You’ll deliver the goods;
In the back come and give me a poke.”

Tim James:

From the back, as the dad drives the car,
Comes the whine: “Are we there yet? How far?”
Little Lisa screams: “See?
Tommy’s LOOKING AT ME!”
Says the mom: “Can we stop at that bar?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (451)

Saturday, August 29th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I had chiggers. They started to bite
As they burrowed down deep, out of sight.
From my ankles to belt
I was one giant welt.
Was it itchy? Perhaps just a mite.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special CHILDREN-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

We are now on the way to Madrid;
Packed the sippy cups, each with a lid.
And the Bouncy Chair, swing,
“Sleep-Time Cuddlies” that sing…
But we seem to have misplaced the kid.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, Jean McEwen, and Wayne Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SIGHT or SITE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

The director called, “Wrap!” for the night.
Then discovered the scene wasn’t right.
We all groaned. We were dead.
He took pity and said,
“Get some sleep, then we’ll shoot it on site.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Chocolate cake is a heavenly sight,
And with me, always love at first bite.
But the calorie hounds
Say I’ve gone out of bounds,
As I’ve gained seven pounds overnight.

Brian Allgar:

They adored him, it couldn’t be clearer;
All those fans, not one mocker or sneerer!
Donald grinned with delight;
The line stretched out of sight
In his perfect infinity mirror.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

His advice was the fatherly kind:
“Son, don’t marry the first girl you find.
For when love at first sight
Starts to fade overnight,
In the end it goes legally blind.”

Tim James:

Said a fellow whose future looked bright
When he bought a car showroom one night:
“Selling Edsels, I know,
Will bring decades of dough!”
Now a Burger King stands on the site.

Kirk Miller:

The baboon met one night on a date
The gorilla his dreams. It was great!
He went ape at her sight
’Cause he knew that she might
Be the one he would call his prime mate.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

He sobbed with a pain so exquisite,
That the Martian Mom said, “Son, what is it?”
“On the Beamer last night
From Earth’s Lunatic Site —
The Trumps said they’re coming to visit!”

Dave Johnson:

He went to a strip club that night;
Some fantasies yearning for flight.
Then down by the front,
Putting cash in the hunt;
With hind his preferred kind of sight.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“All you fireworks people will pay!”
Bellowed Trump at the end of the day.
“My great name — what a sight! —
In the heavens at night.
So, which dumbass forgot ‘Donald J’?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CHILDREN LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“Little children?” said W. C.
“Quite delightful, if you’re asking me.
But they must be well-cooked –
This can’t be overlooked;
And, on average, my limit is three.”

Jean McEwen:

You may think me a bitter old crone,
But my views about kids are well known:
From the poop to the croup
And through every age group,
I can’t stand them till after they’re grown.

Wayne Feder:

Remember, while home on this break,
That children are easy to make.
So it’s wise to go slow;
Or to even forgo.
Quite often they’re made by mistake.

Dave Johnson:

We’re stuck with a child who’s a brat;
He’s constantly stoking a spat.
One day we’ll be rid
Of this horrible kid;
And thanking Joe Biden for that.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (450)

Saturday, August 15th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Grandma’s cottage was perched on a slope,
Where the weeds were way wild beyond hope.
There, a Big Bad old hound
Wolfing sweets by the pound,
Giggled, “Grandma, your brownies are dope!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LOVE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

There once was a lover named Victor
Who said to a gal as he licked ’er:
“I’ll know I’ve done right
If your quake of delight
Scores an eight on the measure called Richter.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Wayne Feder, Larz, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DOPE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LOVE LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

A homophobe just couldn’t cope.
He said, “Marriage equality? Nope!
Wedlock’s just,” he’d aver,
“For a him and a her.”
There you have it, my friends: the straight dope.

“It’s ‘the love that dare not speak its name.’
Those who sin are condemned to the flame!”
Is that brimstone I smell?
It’s our version of hell
That the whole GOP thinks the same.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOPE” RHYME DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Tell me, how can you be such a dope
As to think you could vulgarly grope
The ass of that lass
And be given a pass
When you heard her distinctly say “nope!”?

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

The cops said, “This guy was a dope.”
(Told reporters, “He just couldn’t cope.”)
“He was takin’ a shower,
Then started to cower,
Got strangled with ‘soap on a rope.'”

Tim James:

An artist, a pompous old dope,
To bright colors has firmly said nope.
He’s a bore to his core,
And his work is a snore.
His new painting: “A Study in Taupe.”

Wayne Feder:

I won’t say that I’ve given up hope,
Or I’m numb and can no longer cope.
But till Trump goes away,
I’m planning to stay
In a cave with my kilo of dope.

Larz:

My wife bathes in bubbles of soap.
She’ll soon be quite frisky, I hope.
I’m waiting in bed —
She shakes me instead.
Said, “Oh, wake up! You’re dreaming, you dope!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LOVE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

He knew it was love at first sight;
A vision so perfect and right.
And what would inspire
Such unchecked desire?
Trump’s mirror – his source of delight.

Tony Holmes:

In that first flush, love smiles at your quirks;
Later on, still indulgent, it smirks;
But the end is in sight
When the quirks start to bite,
As the dopamine no longer works.

Wayne Feder:

The girl told her friend in disgust,
“It’s hard to find men you can trust.
Not heeding Mom’s warning,
I learned the next morning
That love’s not the same thing as lust.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

It is better to love and be blue
Than to never have loved… Oh so true.
Though I’ve paraphrased badly,
I make this point gladly,
As long as it’s me dumping you.

Tim James:

She’s in love, with her eyes full of stars;
He’s obsessed with his beer and fast cars
And the sports that he sees
On his wide-screen TVs.
That all fits, because men are from Mars.

Suzanne Heymann:

Friendship’s better; love’s just a creation
That leads to eternal damnation.
Romance is a word
That too often is heard
As a highly absurd expectation.

Friends don’t need you to be good in bed
Or to please them or make sure they’re fed.
You can fart and be broke,
Be too fat, drink and smoke
Yet stay friends till you choke or drop dead.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!