Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 18, 2021)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to REPAIRS, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best REPAIRS-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on September 19, 2021, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 18, 2021, at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WAY/WEIGH/WHEY/AWAY RHYME-rhyme limerick:

Using glitter is never judicious;
Though supposedly festive, it’s vicious.
Try to scrub it away?
It’s determined to stay
And will never obey; it’s pernicious.

And here’s my REPAIRS-themed limerick:

A gal with a cherished antique,
Tried to fix it; alas, her technique
Is haphazard at best.
She putters with zest,
But her quest for its rescue looks bleak.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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159 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WAY or WEIGH or WHEY or AWAY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: September 18, 2021)”

  1. Bob Turvey says:

    You can use liquid nitrogen spray
    To burn penile warts clean away.
    But my doc used too much …
    Things went cold to the touch …
    That’s why I’m a lady today.

  2. Bob Turvey says:

    There was a young chappie called Mike
    Who went out for a ride on his bike.
    At the thirty-mile juncture
    KER-BLAM – what a puncture!
    (Repair kit at home – what a hike!)

  3. Bob Turvey says:

    There was a young lady named Mona —
    So pretty that you’d want to clone her.
    Said da Vinci, “I’m gay.
    You attract me? No way.”
    She smiled at the size of his boner.

  4. Bob Turvey says:

    Inside many words that we say,
    Rude parts are quite hidden away.
    I mean; the word HOARSE
    Contains something COARSE;
    And I daren’t say what’s in SATURDAY.

    (And don’t forget arsenic and Scunthorpe.)

  5. Dave Johnson says:

    A news channel found out today
    That part of its staff didn’t stay.
    In fact, they were vexed
    On receiving his text;
    The message read “Anchor’s away!”

  6. Miss Kane sat outside in the quay,
    was drinking her smoothie today.
    A horrible writer,
    sat down beside her.
    And frightened Miss Kane far away.

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Under The Car” Repairs

    “Your mechanic did not fix my heat!
    It still doesn’t work; what deceit!
    I know he’s to blame
    And just what is his name?
    All I know is this guy’s got 2 feet”.

  8. Lisi Nortman says:

    “She’s a kook, and there’s none to compare!
    As her doctor, she gives me a scare!
    I said, “OH! What you weigh!”
    And to my dismay,
    She stood there and snipped off her hair”.

  9. Lisi Nortman says:

    Past-Life Airlines, aka De Ja Vu Airlines

    If you take “Past-Life Airlines” (they say),
    You’ll be flying “round ticket one way”
    You might get real confused
    Or perhaps, quite enthused.
    When you come back the previous day.

  10. Brian Allgar says:

    Said Abbott: “I’m happy to say
    That abortion is banned from today.
    A son or a daughter
    Aborted? Report her!
    Ten thousand’s the bounty we’ll pay.

    We’ve made it illegal to slay
    The unborn – no exceptions, okay?
    Life is sacred, we’ve sworn …
    But once they are born,
    Protect them from Covid? No way!”

  11. Brian Allgar says:

    These Windows updates are no joke; it
    Just happened again when I woke. It
    Appears that those jerks
    Are upset when it works –
    Since it didn’t need fixin’, they broke it.

  12. Bob Turvey says:

    A Turkish mob once caused delay
    To the car of His Highness the Bey.
    Until a cheesemaker,
    Acting as peacemaker,
    Removed all the Kurds from the way.

  13. Mark Totterdell says:

    I consider, not in a condemning way,
    That the tragic self-slaughter of Hemingway
    Might have been better done,
    Not by means of a gun,
    But a jump from a cliff in the lemming way.

  14. Mark Totterdell says:

    In a rage at the freedom forbidd’n’er,
    I released from her cage the echidna,
    And I took her away,
    And I just wouldn’t say
    To her keepers just where I had hidd’n’er.

  15. Mark Totterdell says:

    A hunter supreme is the goshawk,
    It’s the king of the woods, it’s the boss hawk,
    So just rarely its prey
    Somehow gets clean away,
    But that doesn’t half make it a cross hawk.

  16. Tony Holmes says:

    “I don’t care why you’ve called. Please don’t say!
    I’m in no mood to hear. I’m distrait.
    Call again? If you must.
    As I’ve said, I’m not fussed.
    My response will not change. Go away!”

  17. Tim James says:

    What’s a tuffet? Seems no one can say,
    Though Miss Muffet besat one that day.
    Also, what is a curd?
    That’s a gross-sounding word.
    Would YOU ever eat one? No whey!

  18. After milk has been curdled and strained
    A liquid called whey’s what’s remained
    Solid curds and the whey
    Used in foods every day
    Yes you eat them but don’t know the way.

  19. Lisi Nortman says:

    Hickory Knoll Church, Louisiana (Repairs)

    My shoe had a very deep hole.
    So I hurried to Hickory Knoll.
    Showed the Pastor my shoe.
    And this really was true:
    Just like magic, he saved my poor sole.

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    Car Repairs: Bad Luck

    My car fell apart when I floored it.
    Got an estimate; couldn’t afford it.
    Oh, man, did I groan.
    Promptly took out my phone.
    But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it.

  21. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Mean TSA

    Before your real steep flight ascends,
    The TSA surely offends!
    Don’t like going away,
    Cuz I’m positive they
    Will strip-search, (I need my Depends).

  22. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    To Lisi re: “Under the Car” :)

    Well, you’re not the first person to whine,
    About Gregor’s Repair Shop on Vine.
    I’ve had work done by Greg —
    Cost an arm and a leg!
    In fact, one of those feet may be mine.

  23. Lisi Nortman says:

    Funny Limerick, Sjaan! (and thank you)

    Syllable Correction: “Car Repairs, Bad Luck” (L2) 1:46 today

    My car fell apart when I floored it.
    That estimate! Couldn’t afford it.
    Oh, man! Did I groan!
    Promptly took out my phone.
    But “Auto-Correct” just ignored it.

  24. Terry Marter says:

    A tricky Electrics repair
    I could tell would require utmost care
    When I poked the wrong place
    It blew up in my face
    Now I’ve parts on both sides of my hair.

  25. correcting a few mistakes. Determined to improve.

    Miss Kane sat outside in the quay,
    she was drinking her smoothie today.
    A horrible writer,
    sat down right beside her.
    And frightened Miss Kane far away.

  26. Terry Marter says:

    I’m over it (writing ’bout Lune)
    Refreshing new rhyme words, – a boon.
    I’ve been thinking all day
    Of an end use for Whey
    Line four’s ok. Here? ‘Whey’ too soon.

  27. Zelick M. says:

    Title : Bye Bye Bay Bay

    There was an old man who would bay
    At the moon when he was on his way
    With a late night six pack
    But, they gave him no slack
    Sirens blaring they took him away.

    So he wrote to the P.M. to say:
    ” Look, I’m happy as Lot every day,
    I keep the cops busy,
    So much, they are dizzy,
    Cause the Lord said:” keep loving this way.”

  28. Lisi Nortman says:

    Waiting In Line: Such Fun

    It’s vacation time! How ’bout the sea?
    Or perhaps a nice trip to Capri.
    But Disney World: HEY!
    Oh please stay away!
    In brief, it’s your town’s DMV.

  29. Dave Johnson says:

    A record some stations would play:
    “They’re Coming to Take Me Away.”
    This “song” was so bad,
    Many listeners had
    An earache the rest of the day.

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    According To

    “Clown Graveyard” is not very far.
    As said by bizarre “Daily Star”
    “When clowns pass away,
    All his “clown friends” then pray
    At the crypt, all from one bitsy car.

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Bizarre Airways” Is Even Creepier Than Past-Life Airlines”

    If you take “Bizarre Airways”, (they say)
    You’ll be flying round trip, and one way.
    You might get confused.
    And not real enthused
    When you come back the previous day.

  32. Tim James says:

    Her baby is well on his way;
    He’ll debut soon, without much delay.
    He’s arriving quite early,
    Which made his mom surly.
    It fits, though: today’s Labor Day.

  33. this morning I stress ate away.
    I’m scared now to see what I weigh.
    Must stop soul beating
    and control my eating
    or sit in the bathroom all day!

  34. Many teens just rely with “no way,”
    all my niece seems to utter today.
    But tonight more refined,
    to response where to dine.
    I ask “Fisherman’s Wharf?” “Oh, no quay!”

  35. Whoops. L1 and L3.

    Many teens just reply with “no way,”
    all my niece seems to utter today.
    But tonight more refine,
    to response where to dine.
    I ask “Fisherman’s Wharf?” “Oh, no quay!”

  36. Terry Marter says:

    A confidence trickster one day,
    conned a prostitute out of her pay.
    The Con kept his dough, –
    claimed the Pro failed the Blow.
    Pros and Cons both have raised points to weigh.

  37. Dave Johnson says:

    We bought an old grandfather clock;
    That renders a tick but no tock.
    It seems that the fix –
    Adding tocks to the ticks,
    Requires a key for the lock.

    The cabinet’s look is sublime;
    It still has that wonderful chime.
    But minus the cost
    Of repairing what’s lost,
    It’s ticking one-half of the time.

  38. Lisi Nortman says:


    The doorbell won’t work, (no suppliers).
    And thus, I have lost all my buyers.
    Now I’ve put up a note,
    And on it I wrote:
    “To enter, connect all the wires”

  39. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A buttered-up pound cake au lait,
    With whipped cream — to my utter dismay —
    Weighs way more than a pound!
    But I’ve still downed that mound.
    Should’ve asked, “By the way, what’s whey weigh?”

  40. The Styx song “Come sa-il Away,”
    wanted radio showcase that day.
    Knew program directors,
    were cocaine detectors.
    These “penguins” like “snow,” gave song play.

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    I Think I Was Ripped Off

    I heard a real quirky “ding ding”
    In my car, (what a puzz-a ling thing!)
    The mechanic said, “Honey,
    Please give me more money
    Cuz I also repaired your pling pling”.

  42. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Tailor Isaac Singer”

    Tailor said, “You’re the girl of my dreams”.
    In his eyes, all the warmth for me gleams.
    He repairs all my clothes
    With such love, that it shows.
    (Special effort for me, sew it seams).

  43. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I’ve this habit so fixed, I can’t nix it:
    Something breaks, so I buy parts to fix it.
    I remake and re-break it
    Until I must take it
    Away. Then I pay to deep-six it.

  44. Rudy Landesman says:

    “My teeth hurt. So, what’s that about?”
    My dentist, he had little doubt.
    “There’s no other way.
    Your teeth are O.K.,
    But your gums simply have to come out.”

  45. Byron Miller says:

    I’ve promised to fix the veneer, dear;
    I’ve told you I would loud and clear, dear.
    Do try to be kinder
    And skip the reminder
    You give me in August each year, dear.

  46. Byron Miller says:

    When the dairy girl asked him to stay,
    In the barn, for a roll in the hay,
    She said, “Sit on my stool
    And I’ll straddle your tool,
    I can finish the milking that way.”

  47. Byron Miller says:

    When the dairymaid asked him to stay,
    In the barn, for a roll in the hay,
    She said, “Sit on my stool
    And I’ll straddle your tool,
    I can finish the milking that way.”

    Mad: this version with “dairymaid” please and thank you.

  48. Lisi Nortman says:

    At last, we were going away,
    But encountered a minor delay.
    A cop checked for weed.
    He then said, “Proceed”.
    We said, “Thanks! have a nice drugged-up day”.

  49. Dave Johnson says:

    We’re having some real smoky days;
    Our mountains obscured by the haze.
    Predicted to stay,
    It just won’t go away;
    With climate change, that’s how it plays.

  50. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    A guy whom she’d snubbed ev’ry day,
    Was finally prompted to say,
    “So would it be better
    To write you a letter?”
    “Oh yes,” she said, “Far and away.”

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    “The Book Nook”

    I mended an old tattered chair.
    Came out lousy; I started to swear.
    So I went to “The Nook”
    And bought me a book,
    Called “Repair What You Tried to Repair”.

  52. Terry Marter says:

    Said a tea-loving artist one day
    I’ve been stashing my tea leaves away.
    It’s my Medium, – Look!
    I’ve depicted a book
    It’s called “Fifty shades of Earl Grey”.

  53. David Friedman says:

    The portrait of Dorian Gray
    Is withered and faded away;
    The porn that young Dor
    Had filmed with that whore
    Is quite disappointing today.

  54. David Friedman says:

    Unfulfilled, Abigail said
    To the guy by her side in her bed,
    “The Pill every day
    Keeps babies away,
    But it won’t get your ass off my spread.”

  55. David Friedman says:

    A young virile elephant, Link,
    Once fell in love with a mink;
    The sex was okay
    But he shot her away
    And now she’s in Cleveland, I think.

  56. David Friedman says:

    At Hormel, the tech guys are fiends
    Having trouble with all the machines
    They try every day
    To clear it away
    But can’t keep the spam off their screens.

  57. David Friedman says:

    There once was a terrible ogre
    Who said, “While this sounds a bit vulgar,
    I grab a good lay
    Down in Far Far Away
    But I still get my groceries at Kroger.”

  58. David Friedman says:

    A book printer learned one sad day
    His workers all wanted more pay
    And when he said no
    They all turned to go
    Wordlessly walking away.

  59. Lisi Nortman says:

    On My Way To The Fifth Dimension
    Control Tower To Pilot:

    “We don’t have your flight plan today!
    So here on the ground you must stay!
    Unless, Mr. Boeing,
    We know where you’re going”

    “I’m going up up and away”.

  60. David Friedman says:

    The drug-sniffing dogs out in Reno
    Wend their way through each casino
    Though they never stray
    Somewhere on the way,
    They start to think they’re Al Pacino.

  61. David Friedman says:

    “You are,” I hear my dog declare,
    “The worst owner I am aware —
    You teach stupid tricks
    And what you had fixed
    Wasn’t in need of repair!”

  62. Her beach wear demands some repair,
    it no longer secures derriere.
    The stylist say, “Weight,
    just wait on that plate!
    Let’s talk all about the eclair.”

  63. Jean McEwen says:

    I am trying to snake out the shit
    From my toilet, but get but a bit
    To go down. Must I plunge
    To expunge all the grunge?
    (I’m no plumber, I’ll have to admit.)

  64. Jean McEwen says:

    In Texas, forthwith, girls must pay
    When they let boys go all of the way.
    Should they find themselves late,
    The Court now deems their fate
    Will be one about which they’ve no say.

  65. It was clear with the statue unpacked,
    during transport it suffered and cracked.
    To accomplish repair,
    not even some prayer.
    Could help David get penis he lacked.

  66. Rudy Landesman says:

    Look here! Take this bagel away.
    I hope you don’t think I will pay.
    It’s bad beyond words.
    The cream cheese? All curds.
    And the lox is just swimming in whey.

  67. Tim James says:

    “A head crash has screwed me,” he said.
    “My computer is totally dead.
    They can’t fix it. Our techs
    Are a lot like my ex:
    They just can’t provide any good head.”

  68. Rudy Landesman says:

    September 8, 2021 at 9:19 am

    A sailor at sea on the briny
    Was dismayed ’cause his penis was tiny;
    But since he was gay,
    He did find a way
    To make fruitful use of his heinie.

    (Don’t know where that “moderation” comment above came from.

    From Mad Kane:

    My blog’s anti-spam software automatically puts comments/limericks into “moderation” when they use words associated with spam. And “penis” is one of those words. When a comment/limerick goes into moderation I’m notified and rescue it (unless it’s really spam, of course.)

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    At this time, I’m indeed at wits end.
    There is danger I just can’t transcend.
    I knelt down to pray:
    “Keep the bad guys away”
    Worked so well that I don’t have one friend.

  70. Dave Johnson says:

    The sound engineer has been bragging
    ‘Bout all of the women he’s “bagging”.
    Extolling his kicks,
    He now has to fix
    Distortion from band members gagging.

  71. Lisi Nortman says:


    My “hubby” and I had a spat
    ‘Bout an issue we just can’t combat.
    I said, “Fix the loo!”
    He said, “No! what we’ll do
    From now on we’ll go with the cat.”

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    Intellectual Dinner-Time Conversation

    Right after we sit down and pray,
    Mama always remembers to say
    To my dear daddy, Stan
    The town’s “handy man”
    “Did you fix any toilets today?”

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    Thank goodness! Our Benny is coming!
    Just listen, I hear his van humming.
    He never is late.
    I think it’s so great.
    We’ve great trust in Ben Dover Plumbing.

  74. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction of above limerick, so as not to use “great” twice

    Thank goodness! our Benny is coming!
    Just listen, I hear his van humming!
    We can always rely
    On this wonderful guy.
    We’ve great trust in “Ben Dover Plumbing”.

  75. “Repairing” the reputation of the humble prune.

    Most associate prunes with their stool,
    what a marketing nightmare, so cruel.
    Now it’s packaged “dried plum”,
    still superb for you, chum.
    A solution “old school” now it’s cool.

  76. Lisi Nortman says:

    It Ain’t McDonald’s

    There’s a burger place down by the bay.
    I think I’ll have lunch there today.
    I might want it plain,
    Or with cheese or romaine.
    Come what may, I shall have it my way.

  77. Lisi Nortman says:

    I will see Wilhelmina today.
    I surely could use a good lay.
    She always say, “no”,
    But I’ll never let go.
    Cause when there’s a will, there’s a way.

  78. Rudy Landesman says:

    Have I got some great news for you!
    You’re looking for something that’s new?
    It’s coming our way,
    Could be any day,
    That variant of Covid called Mu.

  79. Lisi Nortman says:

    Frank Sinatra

    Substantially more than okay,
    Towards the end, he just needed to say:
    I’ve “loved, laughed and cried”
    Never went with the tide.
    I did what I wanted “My Way”.

  80. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    When it’s sharpen-a-limerick day —
    Time to hone an A-A-B-B-A —
    A writer with sense’ll
    Apply a red pencil.
    But not me. I just scribble away.

  81. Terry Marter says:

    She transformed it, – the gown of her dreams
    Reconstructed in white, beige and creams
    I shouldn’t disparage
    But like her first marriage
    It’s falling apart at the seams.

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mama thinks she can sing, but oy veh!
    She sounds like a horse’s neigh neigh.
    In our ears a shrill ring!
    We begged her to sing
    Ms. Carole King’s “So Far Away”.

  83. Terry Marter says:

    The new couple upstairs yesterday
    Dragged in an old bed from the bay
    They (and bed) won’t stop bonking
    While trucks drive by honking.
    My ceiling’s now crumbling away.

    So I’m off to Hawaii today.
    I’ll be leaving my woes by the way.
    I need a good fuck,
    but knowing my luck
    I’ll just Lie all alone with my Lei.

  84. My husband comes running upset,
    by something he read, I can bet.
    Seems his shirts are passe,
    toss Hawaiians away.
    Or wear at the beach with Annette.

    Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon, those crazy kids.

  85. It’s time that I nosh on more fruit,
    like prunes, though too many I toot.
    I’ll eat them today,
    constipation, no way.
    Makes everything fly through the chute.

  86. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I predict on my “spring cleaning” day,
    What my spouse (fresh from napping) will say.
    First he’ll glance at the heap,
    Then pronounce (half asleep),
    “We may need it. Don’t throw it away.”

  87. Tim James says:

    I was running, but not looking where,
    When my head hit a post, hard and square.
    The emergency crew
    Fixed me up good as new.
    But the post was beyond all repair.

  88. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Pros and Cons of a Cruise

    A cruise is a grand way to float.
    You can travel to places remote.
    Yet, you’ll sure feel dismay
    When it’s over, you’ll weigh
    The very same weight as the boat.

  89. Terry Marter says:

    With dilemmas we face every day
    Could science show which way to sway?
    ‘Black & White’ cancels out
    So the question, – no doubt
    Is just How much do Pros and Cons weigh?

  90. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s lovely in calm Bora Bora.
    It brings forth a sweet soothing aura.
    “The Ideal Getaway”
    For those who can pay.
    But not for the real pora pora.

  91. Terry Marter says:

    An inquisitive spider astray,
    Spied a young girl enjoying her whey.
    He startled Miss Muffet:
    “What the hell is a Tuffet?”
    She ran Off, – not been seen to this day.

  92. “Sweet” Aunt Myrtle again with re-gift.
    A large turtle, this time, I’m so miffed.
    It’s not running away.
    How far could it stray?
    Was bamboozled, just face it, got stiffed.

  93. Dave Johnson says:

    Paul Simon, way back in the day,
    Recorded “Slip Slidin’ Away”.
    Perhaps that refrain
    Was the key to explain
    Why Garfunkel never would stay.

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    My boss is a sickening slob.
    And not only that, he’s a snob.
    Gives me 2 weeks away.
    And I truly can say:
    For that time span, I sure love the job.

  95. The gourmet and wife had souffle.
    Then spaghetti and steak for today.
    I was certain they’d pop.
    But chose not to stop.
    That’s how couple had foreplay their way.

  96. Rudy Landesman says:

    From your dreams of true love you’ve awoken,
    And your poor tender heart has been broken.
    Confucius would say:
    “Just throw it away.
    Don’t know what the hell you’ve been smokin’.”

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    I think that I might be insane.
    Cuz something is wrong with my brain.
    I was feelin’ okay.
    Things were coming my way.
    Till I saw I was in the wrong lane.

  98. Lisi Nortman says:


    Broke my mirror, it fell to the floor.
    Couldn’t fix it, I screamed and I swore.
    7 years of Bad Luck!
    That surely did suck.
    But my lawyer reduced it to four.

  99. Dave Johnson says:

    He’ll always remember that day;
    The question: “How much do you weigh?”
    Her answer was brief,
    Causing all kinds of grief;
    That’s how it was fractured, they say.

  100. If the replicate virus allowed,
    The scientist Fauci avowed.
    Can lead to mutation,
    More variant nation.
    Don’t be part of unvac’nated crowd.

  101. Dave Johnson says:

    Went out for a bike ride today;
    Some fairly steep hills on the way.
    Now it hurts when I walk;
    If my muscles could talk,
    They’d tell me that climb doesn’t pay.

  102. Dave Johnson says:

    “Alexa, what’s time of the day?”
    “It’s five o’clock – oh, by the way,
    I have a short quiz
    So go on – take a whiz;
    I’ll know when you’re ready to play.”

  103. Lisi Nortman says:


    My “hubby” has endless ambition.
    He’s fine’ly accomplished his mission.
    Great skill he sure has.
    I’m so proud he’s known as:
    “The World’s Greatest Duct Tape Technician”

  104. Rudy Landesman says:

    There once was a Russian named Limerickoff,
    Whose weapon was not the Kalashnikov.
    His rhymes (not today)
    Blew his rivals away.
    His anapests, lethal. Not merely fluff.

  105. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    I fell flat on my face. Right away,
    I heard optimists say, “She’s okay.”
    Passing pessimists said,
    “She’d be better off dead.”
    I just swooned and crooned, “Have a nice day.”

  106. Rudy Landesman says:

    You made dinner, a Beef Stroganoff.
    It was great! A success! Mazel tov.
    So what do you think?
    Can you fix me a drink?
    A cocktail concocted by Molotov.*

    One part vodka, two parts borscht. Stir, never shake!

  107. Mark G. Kane says:

    A fellow who went his own way
    Enjoyed lots of lays every day;
    Often three in one night,
    Which some said just ain’t right.
    But then why should they have any say?

  108. Terry Marter says:

    My friend’s Mixed up with drugs AND my bloke.
    I’m in need of repair, my heart’s broke.
    So right now I’ll go mix
    My favourite fix –
    Sev’ral bourbons, some flicks, and a Toke.

  109. Dave Johnson says:

    When craving a hamburger fix,
    Seattle sits high in the mix.
    Most residents know
    Where it’s all good to go;
    They love hanging out with some Dick’s

    (Dick’s Drive-Ins – the best)

  110. Lisi Nortman says:

    California Here We Come!

    I suggest that you all go away
    To a state which is now and then “gray”.
    Yet when the smog clears,
    A whole city appears.
    And fine-a-ly UCLA.

  111. Mac Gyver’s new wife in good hands,
    Has a match, cigarettes and two fans,
    There are candles and gin,
    Some Duct tape, he’s come in.
    She’s in bed, and aware of his plans.

  112. Why does Santa start shopping in May?
    It takes months to load the whole sleigh.
    He’s watching for deals.
    Looks at wish list appeals.
    Then, no emotional baggage to weigh.

  113. Terry Marter says:

    TV Guy in the booth looked at me
    And said “Standby, – you’re on-air in three”.
    I said “Your man‘s not there –
    I’m just fixing his chair”
    Then “Oh! – Hello Mum, look – it’s Me!”

  114. Terry Marter says:

    My Lim’rick ‘bout gardening care
    Is “apparently” needing repair.
    Saying Spade (meaning shovel)
    Dug a hole full of trouble
    From a bot that’s not context-aware.

  115. Tim James says:

    I sat down, with my thoughts far away,
    When I suddenly felt a strong spray
    From beneath. Oh my God!
    It felt totally odd.
    What’s this weirdness they call a bidet?

  116. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    In a warehouse near Richmond, VA,
    Is a statue of Lee, stored away.
    So huge is its torso —
    The head even more so —
    Is there room for those big feet of clay?

  117. Lisi Nortman says:

    Got married to Sheila in May.
    Big mistake, she’s a pain in the “A”.
    I put up a flyer:
    “She’s free, why not try’er?”
    (I can’t even GIVE her away).

  118. I ask, “Doc, you erased all my lines?”
    The doctor replies, “All the signs.”
    He adds, “So improved.”
    I say, “Nothing has moved.
    And the face that’s revealed isn’t mine.”

  119. That intern had known what’s at stake,
    Ill-advised and colossal mistake.
    Had he run out of time?
    It’s a true kind of crime.
    Duct tape horrendous for cake!

  120. That intern had know what’s at stake.
    How did Jay make colossal mistake?
    He’s way out of line.
    A funeral crime.
    Duct tape, Miss Blake looks so fake!

    Can do so many versions!

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    If you’re thinking of moving away,
    Then it’s crucial to hear what I’ll say:
    You’ll see boxes galore,
    All over the floor.
    And you never will find that blue tray.

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    Highway Driving

    Most drivers these days are insane.
    They certainly are a big pain.
    When you’re going away,
    You’ll encounter delay.
    (The unconscious are in the left lane).

  123. Mike Young says:

    I want whey with my curds
    But I can’t find the words
    To call in the cattle:
    It’s really a battle
    To get them to come from their herds.

  124. Mike Young says:

    So fixing a fuse is my task for today
    It’s a serious job, not a game you should play
    If minus and plus
    Are too much of a fuss
    A technician might show you the way.

  125. Mike Young says:

    WEIGH, WAY, WHEY, AWAY – Correction with whey as last word.

    I really want curds with my whey
    That’s what I was trying to say
    But distraction by sheep
    Sent my rhyming to sleep
    It’s an error for which I will pay.

  126. Tim James says:

    Ivermectin keeps COVID away!
    Take your horse drugs, and do it today!
    Step right up, buy that paste,
    ‘Cause there’s no time to waste!
    (Unlike horses, the marks can’t say nay.)

  127. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    When they towed Gramp’s old flivver away,
    He inquired, “Say, where will she lay?”
    “Old heaps we deliver,”
    One said, “To the river.
    We get fined for polluting the bay.”

  128. Lisi Nortman says:

    My grandchild was drowning last spring!
    Clutched my heart, what a terrible thing!
    Just about passed away.
    But some man saved the day.
    Though he didn’t recover her ring.

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    Another Version

    My grandchild was drowning last spring!
    Oh my God! what a terrible thing!
    Just about passed away,
    But some man saved the day.
    He was nice, but he’d stolen her ring.

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    Finally Moving To Florida. Good Bye, New York!

    Don’t care how my kids are remarking.
    A happier life, I’m embarking.
    I moved far away,
    But came back the next day.
    Too bad, but there just was no parking.

  131. Rudy Landesman says:

    A couple engaged an au pair.
    And the missus was never aware.
    But the hubby was found
    To be messing around.
    To court they would all soon repair.

  132. I ask, “Lines are erased from my face?”
    The doctor replies, “Not a trace.”
    He adds, “So improved.”
    I cry, “LOOK what you moved!
    You put nose in my armpit disgrace!”

    Certainly not board-certified or sane plastic surgeon.

  133. Hopefully improved.

    That intern had known what’s at stake.
    How did Jay make colossal mistake?
    Must have run out of time.
    Call it funeral crime.
    Poor Blake, with the Duct tape, looks fake.

  134. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m flying to Barnegat Bay.
    Now I’ve crashed in a hole, (it’s okay)
    Gave my son-in-law dough.
    Said I’d give him more, so
    I’ll be found; he will sure find a way.

  135. Lisi Nortman says:

    Third Version

    My daughter was drowning last Spring
    It was surely a terrible thing.
    Just about passed away,
    But some man saved the day.
    Didn’t thank him, cause where was her ring?

  136. Lisi Nortman says:

    Seven decades ago, we’d all play
    A new game at recess each day.
    The reunion last week
    Was certainly bleak.
    Cause ev’ry one went the wrong way.

  137. Hope there’s reindeer for Santa’s full sleigh.
    Was that sound right behind me a bray,
    A neigh or a snort?
    I am here to report.
    A donkey, an ass, go away.

  138. Terry Marter says:

    At the Repair Shop:

    “Your Crystal ball’s Foresight had blown,
    But there’s This hidden feature” (I’m shown)
    “Called Hindsight-Aplenty,
    It’s all 20 / 20.
    – ‘could have used it, – if only You’d known”.

    I said “Thanks for the fix, take a bow.
    This Hindsight’s amazing, – Oh Wow!
    – ‘ would’ve charged them more dimes
    to re-visit old times.
    Looking back I can see it all now”.

  139. Lisi Nortman says:

    The Old Bag: Me

    My face needs repairs, (what to do?)
    Prince Charming, Oh! just (where are You?)
    I tried
    Saw a cute guy named Tom.
    Sent a picture of me at age two.

  140. Lisi Nortman says:

    Today’s Procedure, (true) except I didn’t use the doctor’s real name

    I’m a lady with unequalled class.
    I take pictures of flowers and grass.
    But Doc Tush just today,
    Took some pics his own way,
    With a cam’ra that went up my ass.

    (which I think could have reached Montana)

  141. Lisi Nortman says:

    My rug needs repair, (it’s so weird).
    Just what could have made it so smeared?
    So I sprayed spot remover,
    Pushed around my big Hoover.
    It worked, but my dog disappeared.

  142. Lisi Nortman says:

    Used Water Beds: Don’t Buy One!

    Bought a water bed way back in May.
    We were thrilled on that wonderful day.
    We jumped in, then felt blue,
    When we noticed that two
    Piranhas were swimming our way.

  143. My friend had to laugh, and then grin,
    “You have comfort within your own skin.
    The heart has some sway,
    But your head gets its way.
    Glad your not Queen Anne Boleyn.”

  144. Rudy Landesman says:

    The Lone Ranger to Silver did croon.
    “Hi-Yo”. That’s an old western tune.
    He’d then ride away.
    But sometimes would stay,
    All night for a great Silver spoon.

  145. Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

    Schlemille broke her knees while in prayer,
    And her fists when she pounded on air.
    She’d take out some loans
    To fix all her bones,
    But her credit’s in need of repair.

  146. Dave Johnson says:

    A veteran plumber named Jack
    Is showing he still has the knack.
    His customers blink
    When he’s under the sink
    And earnestly taking a crack.

  147. I ask personal questions of friends,
    On occasion I make an amends.
    Get carried away.
    Then flipping one day.
    They asked, “Boxers or briefs?” “Ohhh, Depends.”

  148. No more scattering ashes old way,
    A device can be bought for the bay.
    No more of achoo,
    With your final adieu.
    Biodegradable bamboo so no spray.

  149. Lisi Nortman says:

    Short-Term Limerick Memory, (actually true)

    I must jot down my “jokes” right away.
    If I don’t, in my brain they won’t stay.
    Now, I can’t find my pad,
    Which makes me so sad.
    And furthermore, wha’d I just say?

  150. madkane says:

    Attention all Limerick-Off Stragglers: The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 4 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  151. Judith H.Block says:

    Two thugs looked for old, easy prey,
    A frail one, slowly on her way..
    Thought they’d rob her for fun,
    But she pulled out a gun!
    “Go ahead! Punk brats! Make my day!”

  152. Lisi Nortman says:

    Colonoscopy: Minor Adjustment

    I’m a lady with unequalled class.
    I take pictures of flowers and grass.
    Doctor Tush, just today,
    Took some pics his own way,
    With a cam’ra he shoved up my ass.

  153. Cast out unnecessary glut,
    Superfluous stuff will get cut.
    The words you can weigh,
    To see what should stay.
    Balancing humorous smut.

  154. Brian Allgar says:

    My wife said that she’d be away
    For the weekend. I’d started to play
    With a pretty young thing,
    When there came a loud ring
    At the door. Who could that be today?

    I broke off in mid-intercourse
    To see who it was. Well, of course,
    My wife stood there. Jeez!
    She’d forgotten her keys!
    … I was bankrupted by the divorce.

  155. Steve Benko says:

    A modern Miss Muffet would stay;
    No spider could scare her away.
    “Your butt I will kick,”
    She would say, “for this schtick;
    It’s my lunch! You can’t have it! No whey!”

  156. correction

    Cast out all confusion and glut.
    Superfluous stuff will get cut.
    The words you can weigh.
    Decide what should stay.
    To trigger a laugh from your gut.

  157. Terry Marter says:

    Now my Dog is writing Limericks!

    To repair my despair, my new owner
    Has brought me a mate (from a donor).
    A sexy French Poodle,
    – a girl (there’s no Doodle)
    I’m a candid canine with a boner!

  158. Steve Benko says:

    “So limp? Lie right down, this I’ll fix,”
    Said the hooker. “I know some good tricks.”
    And ’twas all systems go
    In the hands of a pro;
    His old willy had not crossed the Styx.

  159. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 478. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Fly.