Archive for the ‘Spam Humor’ Category

Dear Spammer Dude

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

My blog comment spam problems aren’t nearly bad as they used to be, due to an anti-spam WordPress Plugin I raved about previously. But I still have to scan pending comments for spam, and certain things are a dead give away:

Dear Spammer Dude (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Spammers, don’t call me a “dude.”
I’m a gal, so that sounds rather rude.
My pic makes this clear,
So your “dude” usage, dear,
Proves your post should be promptly eschewed.

Facebook Straits (Updated — The Saga Continues)

Tuesday, August 10th, 2010

Last week, shortly after I posted my latest Limerick-Off and announced it on Facebook, the FB powers-that-be gave me quite a scare. Out of the blue, I was locked out of Facebook.

A few minutes after my account was frozen, I received an FB email security alert informing me that I was infected by the Koobface virus and that my account would be blocked until it was removed. The email “helpfully” explained that I had gotten it from downloading some video I damn well knew I hadn’t downloaded. In fact, I had run a virus scan several hours earlier and had downloaded nothing in the interim.

Nonetheless, I spent the next few hours running two different virus scans, neither of which found anything. After that, I wasted more time trying to regain access to my account. This involved:

1) Swearing on a bunch of bibles that I was virus and worm-free;

2) Writing, “pretty please let me back on Facebook — I promise to be good” one-thousand times on a local grade school’s blackboard; and

3) Trying to convince FB that I’m really the account owner by (and I swear this is true) attempting (and failing) to ID nine Facebook friends by their photos.

When I told hubby Mark about the ID nine FB friends by their photos test, he start laughing hysterically. Why? Because few people are less visual than I am. Not only don’t I pay attention to FB photos, but under pressure I’d be hard pressed to ID one of me.

The whole time I was taking (and flunking) the photo test, I was praying to the god of agnostics that Facebook would give me another chance before permanent banishment to Twitter land.

The good news: FB gave me a second opportunity to prove I’m not an identity thief. The bad news: It involved cell phone text messaging, something I’d never done.

Yes, I know cell phone text messaging is no big deal and has been mastered by your average three-year old. But after hours of FB torture, I wasn’t in the mood to acquire a new skill. Nevertheless, after several screwed up attempts, I retrieved the FB Top Secret Code from my cell phone and convinced Facebook that I really am Madeleine Begun Kane.

But (and I know I sound paranoid) I’m convinced this will happen again. Why? Because my banishment was apparently triggered by my last batch of Limerick-Off announcement messages. (I send them only to Limerick-Off participants, but FB seems to think they’re SPAM.)

Okay, you’ve waited long enough. It’s time for a two-verse limerick:

Facebook Straits
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Facebook, you’re driving me crazy.
I’m not careless or foolish or lazy.
So don’t claim you’ve detected
My puter’s infected.
It’s clean as a freshly cut daisy.

Though I’m not a technology wiz,
I know what the Koobface worm is.
And I checked — there’s no sign
Of a virus. None! Nein!
It appears that you don’t know your biz.

Update I thought, or at least hoped, that my FB travails were over. But apparently not. Wednesday night, when I tried to announce my new High-Tech Limerick-Off via Facebook group messages, FB refused to let me. Instead, it told me my message was SPAM. If I disagreed, I was instructed to write and explain why the “offending” message was kosher. I did that, of course, and await their response. In the meantime, I’m angry enough to write another limerick:

It seems Facebook does not give a damn
What it labels as unwanted SPAM.
My lim-off announcements
Are getting me bouncements.
Community? This one’s a sham.

My Advice To Spammers (Limerick)

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

My Advice To Spammers
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear spammers, I wish you’d take heed.
A spell-check is something you need.
Though I’m surely no Freud,
You should really avoid
Sending “greeting” cards spelled more like “greed.”

Feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, please join my friends in that same activity in my limerick-offs.

Email Hell (Limerick & Haiku Prompt)

Friday, May 9th, 2008

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is email and/or spam. First, my limerick:

I’m out of the office right now.
Do I hate answ’ring email? And how!
Missed your missive? I’m glad,
So I won’t say I’m sad.
Pester some other worker-bee. Ciao!

And now my three spam-related haiku:

Suffocating spam
Pours into my computer,
Drowning out meaning.

Virulent spammers
Take over my computer,
Devouring its core.

My email pours in,
The meaningful lost,
Strangled by spam.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about email and/or spam. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

 

Limerick and Haiku Prompts Participants
 

1. Connie
2. Noah the Great
3. Noah the Great
4. Linda – Nickers and Ink
5. Felix Morgenstern

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your email-themed verse in the Comments. And if you’d like to participate in a new poetry prompt, you can always find my latest one here.

Me Gamble? No Dice!

Monday, October 29th, 2007

Something tells me that writing this post amounts to begging for more spam. If so, I’ll just have to post some extra spam haiku.

But getting back to today’s joker of a topic, last year, when my husband Mark and I vacationed in Las Vegas, Mark gambled away twenty bucks — tops, and I didn’t gamble at all.  Okay, I did get on a plane, but other than that…  

And that brings me to today’s limerick:

Me Gamble? No Dice!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

You should never play cards on a lark
With a Vegas-style card-wielding shark.
Whether blackjack or poker,
Don’t deal with a joker
And gamble at being a mark.

UPDATE: Happy National Dice Day, December 4th!

Spam Haiku

Saturday, September 15th, 2007

Sometimes spam frustrates me so much, that I’m forced to turn it into haiku.  How do I do it?  I simply mix and match phrases from various annoying email solicitations and turn them into Spam Haiku.  Here are some examples:

My college pictures
Enhance your anatomy.
Proven effective.

New technology.
Frustration and hopelessness.
Xanax, Valium.

Amazing orgies.
Pictures are hard to believe.
Are you strong enough?

Play Texas Hold’em.
Your future is in your hands.
Never type again.

Large screen DVD.
Is your husband performing?
Big trading alert.

Stocks in an up trend.
Best pain reliever ever.
Be happy again.

Be a love hammer.
Penis enlargement breakthrough.
You can split and merge.

Pelvic pain is real.
Computers are infected.
Contact our doctors.

Captured By CAPTCHA

Monday, May 21st, 2007

If you’ve ever registered for a site or an email list, you’re surely familiar with those frustrating anti-spam CAPTCHA forms. CAPTCHA, which is an acronym for “Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart,” generally does a really good job of  blocking … me:

Captured By CAPTCHA (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The CAPTCHA form used on their site
Quickly conquered computerized blight,
Because bots can’t decode
Any image it showed.
But then neither can I—there’s my plight.

(You can find more of my technology humor here.

A Spam Filter That Really Works Would Be Nice

Saturday, March 10th, 2007

A Spam Filter That Really Works Would Be Nice (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My filters should block them, but nay!
Spam emails beset me each day,
Pushing stock, naked boys,
Drugs for sex, naughty toys—
All ad nauseam. Please, go away!