Facebook Straits (Updated — The Saga Continues)

Last week, shortly after I posted my latest Limerick-Off and announced it on Facebook, the FB powers-that-be gave me quite a scare. Out of the blue, I was locked out of Facebook.

A few minutes after my account was frozen, I received an FB email security alert informing me that I was infected by the Koobface virus and that my account would be blocked until it was removed. The email “helpfully” explained that I had gotten it from downloading some video I damn well knew I hadn’t downloaded. In fact, I had run a virus scan several hours earlier and had downloaded nothing in the interim.

Nonetheless, I spent the next few hours running two different virus scans, neither of which found anything. After that, I wasted more time trying to regain access to my account. This involved:

1) Swearing on a bunch of bibles that I was virus and worm-free;

2) Writing, “pretty please let me back on Facebook — I promise to be good” one-thousand times on a local grade school’s blackboard; and

3) Trying to convince FB that I’m really the account owner by (and I swear this is true) attempting (and failing) to ID nine Facebook friends by their photos.

When I told hubby Mark about the ID nine FB friends by their photos test, he start laughing hysterically. Why? Because few people are less visual than I am. Not only don’t I pay attention to FB photos, but under pressure I’d be hard pressed to ID one of me.

The whole time I was taking (and flunking) the photo test, I was praying to the god of agnostics that Facebook would give me another chance before permanent banishment to Twitter land.

The good news: FB gave me a second opportunity to prove I’m not an identity thief. The bad news: It involved cell phone text messaging, something I’d never done.

Yes, I know cell phone text messaging is no big deal and has been mastered by your average three-year old. But after hours of FB torture, I wasn’t in the mood to acquire a new skill. Nevertheless, after several screwed up attempts, I retrieved the FB Top Secret Code from my cell phone and convinced Facebook that I really am Madeleine Begun Kane.

But (and I know I sound paranoid) I’m convinced this will happen again. Why? Because my banishment was apparently triggered by my last batch of Limerick-Off announcement messages. (I send them only to Limerick-Off participants, but FB seems to think they’re SPAM.)

Okay, you’ve waited long enough. It’s time for a two-verse limerick:

Facebook Straits
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Facebook, you’re driving me crazy.
I’m not careless or foolish or lazy.
So don’t claim you’ve detected
My puter’s infected.
It’s clean as a freshly cut daisy.

Though I’m not a technology wiz,
I know what the Koobface worm is.
And I checked — there’s no sign
Of a virus. None! Nein!
It appears that you don’t know your biz.

Update I thought, or at least hoped, that my FB travails were over. But apparently not. Wednesday night, when I tried to announce my new High-Tech Limerick-Off via Facebook group messages, FB refused to let me. Instead, it told me my message was SPAM. If I disagreed, I was instructed to write and explain why the “offending” message was kosher. I did that, of course, and await their response. In the meantime, I’m angry enough to write another limerick:

It seems Facebook does not give a damn
What it labels as unwanted SPAM.
My lim-off announcements
Are getting me bouncements.
Community? This one’s a sham.

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7 Responses to “Facebook Straits (Updated — The Saga Continues)”

  1. Elisson says:

    Beware the Identity Thief:
    He’ll give you a world of grief
    He will drain your account
    Of its last good amount
    And then he will quietly “leaf.”

  2. Jesse Levy says:

    Is this all because you limericked about breasts, I wonder? Anyway, here’s one:

    Facebook’s becoming a pain
    It’s really a terrible drain
    On my time and my nerves
    With it’s loopholes and curves
    You’d think I’d do more with my brain.

  3. Daisy Mae says:

    Well, for OBVIOUS reasons, I LOVE the last line of your first stanza!
    In response to your annoying misadventure, I’ll attempt a supportive verse- (and am glad you got it worked out–It would barely be worth logging on if I couldn’t get my frequent dose of your humor!)

    Facebook’s a blessing and curse
    The high note is Mad Kane’s quick verse
    But beware the abyss
    For your time spent amiss
    Is permanently gone- it’s perverse!

  4. amanda says:

    Can they really do that Crap!
    Dear FaceBook Big Brother I smell
    How controlling you are I can tell
    With a flick of your finger
    My page did not Linger
    And so you can all go to H@$&

    Don’t worry I won’t post this one on FB!

  5. madkane says:

    Thanks for your limericks everyone. You’re making me feel much better!

    And Jesse, this incident happened before I wrote my breast leering limerick

  6. Concetta Patrase says:

    “It appears that you don’t know your biz.” Madeleine, THAT right there will get you banned for life. The pencil necks have no sense of humor. BTW, I’ve never texted on my cell either.

  7. Sally Franz says:

    A lass over forty didn’t text
    It seemed a useless hex
    Where is the fun
    Of numbing your thumbs
    is sending smoke signals next?