Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

The Ex-Jogger (Limerick)

Sunday, November 27th, 2022

A fellow who frequently jogs
Tripped over some badly placed logs.
He fell down, hit his noggin,
Which ended his joggin’.
His new hobby is verse about “frogs.”

Bashing Boasters (Limerick)

Friday, November 25th, 2022

How I loathe when folks boast! Bragging sucks!
Like my neighbor, whose car is “deluxe.”
Her “kids are the smartest,”
Her “daughter’s an artist,”
And of course her new spouse “makes big bucks.”

A Weird Duet (Haiku and Limerick)

Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

I was inspired to write both a limerick and a haiku when encountering the #weird prompt in Mastodon:

When weirdness prevails,
invading lives ev’ry day,
is weirdness still weird?

and

Dear hubby, you look rather weird;
Can’t get used to your black and white beard.
A chin that’s hair-free —
What sheer joy that would be!
So how ’bout it? Let’s get your face sheared!

“Absurdity Day” Seems Absurd (Limerick)

Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Today’s “National Absurdity Day,” though I can’t imagine why.

To “Absurdity Day,” I say NAY!
Cuz the NON-absurd’s faded away.
The inane seems to reign,
And the world’s gone insane.
“Use Your Brain,” though, deserves its own day!

Cold Weather Blues (Limerick)

Friday, November 18th, 2022

In New York, winter’s hit prematurely.
(That’s a long way of saying it’s early.)
I’ve already grown weary
Of weather this dreary.
(I’m sorry for sounding so surly.)

Mad About Mastodon (Limerick)

Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Twitter appears to be on the verge of collapse. And the most suitable replacement is Mastodon, which I joined a week ago.

I’m still getting to know the neighborhood, but so far, so good. (Right now I’m still on Twitter and toggling between the two social media sites.) Here’s where to find me on Mastodon.

And now, the requisite limerick:

I am NOT quitting Twitter, just yet,
But as owners go, Musk is all wet:
He’s destroying the place!
Should we join (just in case)
A Mastodon server? You bet!

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: SALE or SAIL at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: December 10, 2022)

Sunday, November 13th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using SALE or SAIL at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. Here’s the last contest’s winners list.

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to GOSSIP, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best GOSSIP-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: CLASS, CATCH, FLASHY, STARE, GAIN.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on December 11, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, December 10, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my SALE or SAIL-Rhyme Limerick:

Playing Wordle, for me, is a sport,
Though it doesn’t use balls or a court,
And it fails to entail
Racing skills, or a sail.
(I am more of a “sitting down” sort.)

And here’s my GOSSIP-Themed Limerick:

A gal who was known for her chutzpah
Owned a pricey and popular foot spa.
But she gossiped about
Ev’ry foot-fetish lout,
So alas it’s become a kaput spa.

And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

In class, I expelled a loud yawn.
(Its eight o’clock start felt like dawn.)
I stared at the clock
And got caught. Said Prof Locke,
“Bored? Then leave!” In a flash, I was gone.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (502)

Sunday, November 13th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Once, a gentleman bought me a dress,
With a size label bigger than “s.”
In spite of its cost,
The garment got tossed,
While I muttered, “So much for largesse.”


Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special SINGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick: 

Poor Dorothy asks with a cry,
“If 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑑𝑠 can fly, why then can’t I?”
How sweetly she sings!
But she doesn’t have wings,
And to answer her question, that’s why.

Congratulations to KEN GOSSE, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words:  EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL. (Somehow KEN GOSSE managed to use all five of them.)

Ken Gosse:

Miss Muffet’s quick eye spied a spider
In a rush to the seat right beside her.
She soon left this vale
Not by snail, but speed rail,
With a bite from that tiny, pale rider.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Edmund Conti, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Bob Turvey, Elizabeth M. Baker, Sue Dulley, Gail White, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: DRESS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

I was sure that she gave me the eye,
So I took the next seat; squeezed her thigh.
Then she let me caress;
Slide my hand up her dress,
Where I quickly found out, she’s a guy!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRESS-RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

I’m really not bright, I confess,
And my brain’s an embarrassing mess.
My neurons are spent!
I thought “Gettysburg” meant
Not a speech, but a type of a “dress.”

Tim James says:

When she gave him the slightest caress,
He embraced her and pawed at her dress.
“What a creep!” you may say.
But it’s really OK:
He’s a pup. They excel at excess.

Edmund Conti:

Excuse me, I’m under some stress,
Having made my last lim’rick a mess.
You see, I must squint
When I read the fine print–
Please use “dress,” please use “dress,” please use “dress!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Many deeds in my past had tongues wagging,
And for years my atonement’s been lagging.
But I still can’t redress,
All my sins and confess,
Because God always knows when I’m bragging.

Lisi Nortman:

Although she enjoyed her success,
Working “retail” gives rise to much stress.
Selling women’s wear’s tough,
And what makes it so rough
All day long it’s re-dress and redress.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once, a fierce fashionista named Zach,
Told his boss, “I am on the attack!”
But he made a big mess
When creating a dress
Out of gunny. So Zach got the sack.

Tim James:

I’m a dud with the ladies, I guess.
When I asked for a date, lovely Jess
Told me, “Meet me at eight
At my place. Don’t be late.”
Then she gave me a bogus address.

Robert Schechter:

You’re correct that my clothes are a mess.
Yours are better, I freely confess.
But I have you beat
If we’re asked to compete
For the title “Most Fun to Undress.”

Cabbie Monaco:

Applying for jobs, gurus stress
That at interviews you must impress.
Don’t make a mistake
Like my bearded mate, Jake.
He turned up in a scarlet silk dress.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SINGING DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

We ladies at “Sunset” are shrewd.
We don’t sing in the shower; it’s lewd.
Cause then we will dance,
Likely slip, and perchance
The Medics will notice we’re nude.

Mark Totterdell:

Any time I attempt karaoke,
Whether poppy or rocky or folky,
Though I think I’m a star
With the best voice by far,
I am really all tuneless and croaky.

Paul Haebig:

Our feelings, I know, differ vastly,
But I’ve always been fond of Rick Astley.
He is awfully cute!
We can watch him on “mute,”
Since you think that his singing is ghastly.

Terry Marter:

I am singing a beautiful song;
My voice sounds so good; can’t go wrong.
Then my friend’s voice breaks in:
“What the fuck is that din?
Quit the wailing, – and put down that bong.”

Sjaan Vandenbroeder:

My attempts to learn lyrics fell flat.
Karaoke, though, took care of that.
I mouth into the mike,
Any jabber I like,
And there’s always some guy who’ll yell, “Scat!”

Tim James:

When she sings, the collection of “notes”
She emits as she squirms and emotes
Is as soothing and sweet
As an ungulate’s bleat.
Oh my God, that’s an insult to goats.

Terry Marter:

On the shore; through the storm, I would sing.
As waves crashed, to love’s mem’ries I’d cling.
Held my pearls to the sky,
With a tear in my eye, –
Then they broke, and I swallowed some bling.

Tim James:

A chordophone-plucking jamoke
Crooned his ballads for Renaissance folk.
His gal gave him the boot
And made off with his lute —
Thereby leaving the guy flat baroque.

Rudy Landesman:

So now that I’m no longer young,
I’ve sharpened the bite of my tongue.
But don’t ask me why
I let sour notes fly.
It’s best we leave that song unsung.

Bob Turvey:

In China when springtime is young
And shoots from the ground have just sprung
To help them along
Folk sing them a song
And the singer is often called Sung.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION:  EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL) .

Edmund Conti:

Whenever you rush for a seat
You’ll find some young girl has you beat.
But don’t make a fuss
You are not on a bus.
It’s Musical Chairs, so compete!

Sjaan VandenBroeder

Snidely Whiplash, a dastardly male,
Rushed to tie lovely Nell to the rail.
I am bound to feel pain,”
She said, hearing the train,
“But I’d rather do this than eat kale.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the show, first in line for the loo,
Aesop’s hare eyed a snail in the queue.
Why’d the rabbit retreat,
And rush back to his seat?
Some might say that he sensed déjà vu.

Elizabeth M. Baker says:

The post office “rushes” my mail,
But slowness will always prevail.
In mail-time we speak;
One day is a week,
And that’s ‘cause the mailman’s a snail!

Sue Dulley:

She left the north-west in a gale
And travelled to London by rail.
She needed to rush
(Ask her why and she’ll blush)
But the train was as slow as a snail.

Gail White:

A snail took a seat on a rail
And watched as the sunrise grew pale,
When a snail in the grass
Shouted, “Watch it, you ass!
Behind you a train’s coming! Bail!

Brian Allgar:

This eye-catching race never fails;
All the seats were jam-packed to the rails.
Bang! The starting-gun shot,
But a rush it was not –
The event was a race between snails.

Terry Marter:

On a bright winter’s day, a cute snail
Warmed himself on a sunlit steel rail.
Then along came the rain,
And a rather large train.
Sunbathe Fail. End of snail. End of tale.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take a seat”, said the eye doctor, Scott.
Heard he’s thorough, I liked him a lot.
I asked, “Can I see
Your notes about me?”
He smiled and said, “Probably not.”

Jean McEwen:

A letter, these days, sent by mail
Seems to move at the pace of a snail.
Ask the postman to rush?
He will just retort: “Hush!”–
And annoyingly, then, drag his tail.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To Elon Musk (2-Verse)

Monday, November 7th, 2022

Dear Elon, I’m very impressed!
As blunders go, yours are the best!
I’d assumed you were smart,
But you’ve mastered the art
Of destroying your pricey, new nest.

Primo content providers are pissed.
Key staff has been rashly dismissed.
Twitter ad-buyers flee,
While ignoring your plea.
Your mistakes are too many to list!

Grand Shopping Plans (Limerick)

Monday, November 7th, 2022

When I priced grand pianos today,
I heard quotes, grandiose, with dismay.
They cost too many grand,
And my right and left hand
Lack the cash to buy keyboard cachet.

*****
Happy World Pianist Day! (November 8)

Donut Daze (Limerick)

Saturday, November 5th, 2022

A fresh donut was found in the grass,
Not yet fettered by insects en masse.
Who’d abandon a tasty
Sweet treat? Seems a hasty
Retreat must have caused this to pass.

National Donut Day a/k/a National Doughnut Day falls on two days a year: November 5 and the first Friday of June.

AWOL Holidays (Limerick)

Saturday, October 29th, 2022

I maintain an “Odd Holiday” list,
But I keep finding key dates I’ve missed:
“Checklists Day” isn’t there.
It was ONCE there, I swear!
Must enlist an “Alexa” assist.

(October 30th is Checklists Day.)

The Colorful Artist (Limerick)

Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

An artist named Hugh would imbue
All his paintings with one fav’rite hue:
Mostly teal with a touch
Of turquoise and such.
Mocked at first, fame came out of the blue.
*****

Happy “International Artists Day!” (Celebrated each year on October 25)

More “NYT Spelling Bee” Blues (Limerick)

Monday, October 24th, 2022

Dear Bee, though I hate to complain,
Your word list is clearly insane.
How dare you exclude
“Trayf” and “ranty!” That’s rude!
And no “tarty?” You’re taunting my brain!

“NYT Spelling Bee” Blues (Limerick)

Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

I’ve been bilked once again by the Bee.
It rejects kosher entries with glee.
My claim’s not debatable:
Spurning “deflatable”
Violates fairness! (Says Me!)

A Knotty Problem (Limerick)

Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

This limerick is a very compressed version of a necktie adventure with hubby Mark. And I can’t think of a better way to celebrate “International Necktie Day.”

“You MUST wear a necktie to enter,”
Mark was told. He’s a necktie dissenter,
But he re-tied his tie
Till our drinks were dropped by,
Then removed it — my waitress tormenter.

Celebrating Pasta (Limerick)

Monday, October 17th, 2022

“I’ve a hunch you had pasta for brunch.
There are stains on your clothing — a bunch.
And they’ll never come out;
Of that fact there’s no doubt.
You should learn not to leak when you lunch.”

*****

Happy National Pasta Day! (October 17)

The Key To Getting Along (Limerick)

Monday, October 17th, 2022

My new boss and I get along well.
What’s our secret? We both never tell
One another our views
On religion and news.
(I suspect, though, he’s going to hell.)

*****

Happy National Boss Day!

It’s “National Dictionary Day!” (Limerick)

Sunday, October 16th, 2022

It’s “National Dictionary Day,” which gives me a good excuse to post a limerick about another new-to-me term: “Dawn Chorus.”

(For the record, all the names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

“Let’s go back to that lovely ‘Fowl Inn,’”
Said my spouse, quite forgetting its din.
’Twas no use telling Boris
(A bull-headed Taurus)
That its dawn chorus drove us to gin.

*****

Happy birthday to American lexicographer Noah Webster, of dictionary compilation fame. He was born October 16, 1758.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: DRESS or adDRESS or reDRESS at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: November 12, 2022)

Saturday, October 15th, 2022

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using DRESS or adDRESS or reDRESS at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SINGING, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SINGING-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest: EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on November 13, 2022, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, November 12, 2022 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my DRESS-Rhyme Limerick:

My sister just bawled out my niece:
“You’re unkempt and too sloppy, Elise.
You look like a mess!
Did you sleep in that dress?
I’m fed up! You must learn to de-crease.”

And here’s my SINGING-Themed Limerick:

A fellow who sang in a chorus
Tried out for the lead role in Boris.
“You are NOT good enough!”
Was the speedy rebuff.
“You sound like a sick stegosaurus.”

And here is my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

A fellow who moved like a snail
Couldn’t help it; the old man was frail.
He’d been eyeing a seat
On the train, but was beat
By a boor also trav’ling by rail.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!