Archive for the ‘Limericks’ Category

Gunning For Trouble? (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 28th, 2024

“At the moment we met, I was charmed.
But my mood swiftly moved to alarmed
When my date turned irate
Without cause, while she ate,
As she brandished hard proof she was armed.”

Just In Time For “Cigar Day” (Limerick)

Tuesday, February 27th, 2024

The foul smell of a burning cigar
Is so dreadful, it’s something I’d bar
(If I could) ev’rywhere
It’s still legal. So there!
Now you know what I’d do, were I czar.

(National Cigar Day falls each year on February 27.)

The Bad Employee (2-Verse Limerick)

Saturday, February 24th, 2024

When a fellow awakened, still stoned
From the evening before, he bemoaned
His divorce from his wife,
The unfairness of life,
And a workplace where drugs aren’t condoned.

Sure enough, when he fin’ly appeared
At the office, things went as he feared:
“Get your gear and clear out,
You are fired, you lout,”
Yelled his mom. “Also, shave off that beard!”

Bot Attack (Limerick)

Thursday, February 22nd, 2024

My poor stomach is tied up in knots,
Cuz I’m being assaulted by bots.
They are clogging both blogs,
Email’s gone to the dogs,
And I’m drowning in spam. (Hence the trots.)

The Immensely Tense Woman (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 21st, 2024

A gal who had problems immense
Was frequently worried and tense.
She’d complain about money
And work and her “honey.”
(About sex she was still on the fence.)

Twisty Limerick

Monday, February 19th, 2024

“Someone mocked me for dancing the twist,”
Hissed a woman, while shaking her fist.
“Yes, I know that it’s old.
So am I, truth be told;
I’ve a long ‘Can I Still Do This?’ list.”

The Conference (2-Verse Limerick)

Saturday, February 17th, 2024

“Tell me, what is this meeting about?”
Yelled the parent, unfazed by the clout
Of the teacher he faced.
“Time’s a-wasting. Make haste!
I must go and attend to my gout.”

Said the teacher, “Your son loves to flout
All our rules and will likely flunk out.
He’s ignoring his studies,
Too busy with buddies,
Preparing for life as a lout.”

Showers v. Tubs (Limerick)

Tuesday, February 13th, 2024

Why bathe, when a shower is handy?
Dirty water and soap scum ain’t dandy!
Though I’m forced to concede
That in tubs you can read…
Plus it’s tough to, while show’ring, sip brandy.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: WRY or RYE or AWRY at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: March 9, 2024)

Saturday, February 10th, 2024

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using WRY or RYE or AWRY at the end of ANY ONE LINE. (A homonym or homophone not listed here may be used in lieu of the designated rhyme word.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s the last contest’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to TEETH, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best TOOTH/TEETH-related limerick.

And for a THIRD SEPARATE CHALLENGE, I’ve used a “Random Word Generator” to generate five random words. Your challenge is to use AT LEAST TWO of the Random Words anywhere in your limericks.

Here are the FIVE RANDOM WORDS for this contest:
LOOK, MESSY, PROOF, RIDDLE, UNFAIR.

(You’re free to singularize/pluralize the designated random nouns and to change the tense of the designated random verbs. You can even turn adjectives in adverbs and vice versa. And you are NOT required to use any of them as rhyme words, as long as at least two of the words appear somewhere in your limericks.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 10, 2024, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you FOUR full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 9, 2024 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my WRY or RYE or AWRY-Rhyme Limerick:

Mary’s husband, an insecure guy,
Often asked her, “Is something awry?”
For he feared that his bride
Would soon cast him aside,
Whenever he heard his wife sigh.

“Nothing’s wrong,” she would always reply.
Until one day, she let out a cry,
Saying (weary with rage)
“That damn query’s not sage!
Ask it just one more time, and you DIE!”

Here’s my TOOTH/TEETH-Themed Limerick:

“On your X-rays, I’m seeing decay,”
Said the dentist. “You’ve quite an array
Of molars that must
Be attended to. Just
Pay this sizeable invoice today.”

And here’s my RANDOM WORD GENERATOR Limerick:

“Your article’s riddled with flaws.
Did you proof this? Please look at this clause:
It runs on forever.
So publish this? Never!
Your writing endeavor? Lost cause!”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (518)

Saturday, February 10th, 2024

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Sir Lancelot “Life’s not so grand
When your date turns you down out-of-hand.”
Said Sir Kay, “Well I hear
That our Queen Guinevere
Always welcomes a quick one-knight stand.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTON, who wins the COACH-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

My team took a terrible beating,
So I called a “coach candidate” meeting.
I said, “Though you’re all trained,
I picked Joe,” then explained:
“He’s the one who knows most about cheating.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.

Nubile Florence had searched high and low
For a promising guy (one with dough.)
She was cute and nineteen;
Tom was lush with the green.
He decided to go with the Flo.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Terry Marter, Paul Haebig, Sharon Neeman, Mark Totterdell, Lisi Nortman, P Diane Schneider, J.OConnor, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Phil Woodford, Doug Harris, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: GRAND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO COACH-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Tim James:

A musician whom no one could stand
Was coached NOT to act pompous or grand.
Now he acts like a geek
Who’s both boring and meek.
His new theme song is “Strike Up the Bland.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRAND-RHYME DIVISION)

Terry Marter:

The concert stage door was unmanned,
So I strolled in, completely as planned.
No need to pull strings
To access the wings,
My job was to tune up the grand.

Paul Haebig:

“This obsession you have with Steve Grand
Is getting a bit out of hand
And becoming a bore.
So, I’m saying, ‘No more!’
From now on in this house, he is banned!”

Sharon Neeman:

“Yuck! I hate this! It’s gross and it’s bland!
You’re not Mom! I won’t eat on demand!”
“No, I’m not — but I say
You must eat anyway,
‘Cause you’re not being mothered, but Gran’d.”

Mark Totterdell:

This latest great poem of mine
Was designed to be truly divine.
From the start it was planned
To be epic and grand,
But it stopped after just the fifth line.

Lisi Nortman, for her “My Chicago Senior Living Apartment Complex”

Poor Jenny can’t move her right hand.
Leon sits, but the poor man can’t stand.
John broke both his hips,
And sweet Winifred drips.
Gertrude falls ev’ry day. Ain’t life grand?

P Diane Schneider:

Abroad in a warm, far-off land,
I lounged on a beach and was fanned.
Alas, I awoke;
It was only a joke.
But tell me, would THAT not be grand?

Terry Marter:

His piano concerto was panned;
The critics said “boring” and “bland.”
Pursued for his views,
He made headline news
When they found him curled up in the grand.

Tim James:

With ambitions excessively grand,
Ronny D. sought to govern the land
By appealing to spite.
Why’d it all turn to shite?
He infringed on The Former Guy’s brand.

J.OConnor:

The father of my father’s dad
Was cruel and made everyone sad.
So I can’t understand
Why he’s called “great” and “grand”
When we know that old bastard was bad.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COACH-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

From my seat I could see him approach.
He sat next to me, puffing a roach.
Cradled under one arm
Was a jug of Boone’s Farm.
That’s the last time I’ll travel by coach.

J.OConnor:

I’d rather fly coach than first class.
Don’t try to upgrade me. I’ll pass.
My seat is just fine.
So keep your free wine.
I won’t pay you to pamper my ass.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

One “away” team won’t deign to encroach,
On the home team’s aggressive approach.
They don’t care if they lose;
On the bus they’ve stashed booze,
So they’re keeping all eyes on the coach.

Phil Woodford:

Whenever I sit in train coaches
A feeling of dread soon encroaches
There’s a rustling sound
And before long, I’ve found
That my seat is surrounded by roaches.

Doug Harris:

The enthusiasts offer reproaches
As the layman, in their world, encroaches.
There’s many a fuss
If you call it a bus,
And not one of their lovable coaches.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: GRIP, LUSH, PROMISING, SEARCH, YARN.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Though no promising singer, I know,
I still give karaoke a go.
I sing all night with glee,
And when I lose my key,
I continue to search high and low.

Terry Marter says:

Some lush-sounding songsters from Yonkers
Formed a promising choir, but some honkers
Joined in on their tunes
With wails worse than loons,
Cuz they thought they could sing, but they’re bonkers!

Lisi Nortman:

Search no more for a shrink; mine is hip.
He will heal you in one single trip.
To cure your depression,
There’s only one session
With JUST these three words: “Get a grip!”

Brian Allgar:

It had seemed like a promising trip,
But his search for the names made him flip.
Telling Nancy from Nikki
Was horribly tricky —
Poor Donald had quite lost his grip.

Jean McEwen:

My once-promising search for the grail
Is all over. The end of the trail
Has been reached. I’m defeated.
My hope’s been depleted.
My coffin’s now seen its last nail.

Lisi Nortman:

I was tired of frequenting bars,
And stopped searching the day I met Lars.
We were wed in a zip.
He is known for his grip;
Lars is gross, but he opens my jars.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Socks, The Horse, on his way to the barn,
Met The Kitten in search of some yarn….
This olde Aesop’s fable,
I’d spin were I able,
But I’m not, and I don’t give a darn.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Gaseous Gripes (Limerick)

Wednesday, February 7th, 2024

On hearing Craig’s gripes, many quaked.
But the swipes that he takes are half-baked.
And his outrage feels feigned,
So credulity’s strained.
I take umbrage when umbrage is faked.

The Old Man And His Well (Limerick)

Monday, February 5th, 2024

A malicious old fellow named Mel,
When compelled to replace his old well,
Yelled “Dig deep! Do it fast!
This new well better last!”
The reply: “Here’s my spade. Go to hell!”

Hazy Gazing (Limerick)

Saturday, February 3rd, 2024

Hubby Mark will readily admit that this is true:

My dear husband, at times, will just stare,
His gaze seemingly fixed on mere air.
What has captured his eye?
The rapture? A fly?
He’s not scared, so I’d guess … not a bear.

The Arrogant Banker (Limerick)

Wednesday, January 31st, 2024

An arrogant banker named Frank
Would always enjoy pulling rank.
And when things went awry,
He would shamelessly lie,
Blaming others — on THAT you could bank.

Another Useless “Holiday” (Limerick)

Saturday, January 27th, 2024

For some inexplicable reason, today, January 27th, is “Punch The Clock Day.”

“Punch The Clock Day’s” (I’ll wager) a crock.
Why celebrate methods to dock
Someone’s pay? It’s absurd!
Moreover, I’m spurred
When awakened to punch that damn clock!

I’m Fairly Sure This Never Happened (Limerick)

Friday, January 26th, 2024

A comedian’s gal-fans are reeling
From the news that he’s “guilty of dealing.”
They’re in shock! (His deliv’ry
Can make them feel quiv’ry.)
But at least they’re assured he’s appealing.

The Brawl (Limerick)

Thursday, January 25th, 2024

A powerful felon named Paul
Got embroiled at a bar in a brawl.
It’s still going on now.
Root against him? And how!
He is headed, I hope, for a fall.

The Temptress (Limerick)

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2024

The temptress exclaimed, “Take a lick.
But hurry! You must make it quick,
Or I’ll eat it alone.
Hey, you’ve broken my cone.
Ice cream’s melting all over your… Ick!

Happy Hugging Day (Limerick)

Sunday, January 21st, 2024

A gal who was overly sweet
Loved to hug ev’ry person she’d meet.
People found this annoying
And terribly cloying,
So they hid to avoid a repeat.

National Hugging Day falls on January 21st.

Joke-Telling Jen (Limerick)

Friday, January 19th, 2024

A witty old gal nicknamed Jen
Would enjoy telling jokes now and then.
When her spouse failed to get
Jenny’s jests, she would fret
And say, “Laugh, or I’ll tell it again!”