Archive for the ‘Celebrity Humor’ Category

Help! It’s Sean Connery Day! (Limerick)

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

Help! It’s Sean Connery Day!

Sean Connery’s speech drives me mad
Cuz his diction is fiendishly bad.
Yet he’s worshipped, adored;
Fervid film buffs, un-Moored,
Won’t shush up their Sean-mimicry fad.

Happy Limerick Day (and Edward Lear’s Birthday) (May 12)

Tuesday, May 12th, 2015

My lim’rick obsession’s severe;
I write rhymes night and day ev’ry year.
My addiction is brutal.
Resistance is futile…
And I warrant the fault lies with Lear.

Happy birthday, Edward Lear, and Happy Limerick Day!

Double Dactyl For John Mortimer

Tuesday, April 21st, 2015

Here’s my double dactyl to celebrate John Mortimer’s birthday today. (Though he died back in 2009, I still have vivid memories of meeting and interviewing him for a profile I wrote for British Heritage Magazine way back in 1996. You can read my John Mortimer profile here.)

But back to my double dactyl:

Higgledy Piggledy
John Clifford Mortimer
Barrister, Author,
Rumpolian wit.

Bailey, his bailiwick
Prima-facetiously
He and his Horace sure
Loved to acquit.

Ode To Joan Rivers

Thursday, January 29th, 2015

Here’s my non-winning entry into the Washington Post Style Invitational’s obit-poem contest.

Ode To Joan Rivers
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A comic genius died last year.
“A Piece of Work” was she sans peer.
Her edgy style brought rivers of tears
From laughter — not to mention, cheers.

Her plastic surgeons went too far.
She looked (let’s face it) quite bizarre.
A victim of the youth craze? Yup!
To those who’d mock her:”Oh, grow up!”

Limerick Ode To Allen Ginsberg

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Allen Ginsberg
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Were Ginsberg alive, how downbeat
Might he be at our nation, replete
With war, greed, repression,
Conformist aggression!
Would he Howl at our abject defeat?

“Beat” poet Allen Ginsberg read his controversial poem Howl for the first time on October 7, 1955 at Six Gallery, in San Francisco. It was the subject of an obscenity trial, but was decreed to be of “redeeming social importance.”

A “Really Big Shew” Of A Crime (Limerick)

Saturday, October 4th, 2014

A “Really Big Shew” of A Crime (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A crisis had come to a head
And a torso and legs. Tears were shed,
Cuz some soon-to-be cons
Stole Ed Sullivan’s bronze.
But don’t fret — they’ve reclaimed AWOL Ed.

Yes, Ed Sullivan fans can breathe sighs of relief: “Los Angeles police have found the missing bronze statue of the renowned American TV personality, four days after it was stolen from the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.”

Joan Rivers Goes Out In Style (Limerick)

Sunday, September 7th, 2014

By all accounts, Joan Rivers’ memorial service was a remarkable affair:

Joan Rivers Goes Out In Style (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Rivers really went out with a bang.
Pipers played, comics joked, singers sang.
And of course there was crying,
As spirits were flying–
The yin of a death … and the yang.

Limerick Ode To Aviation Day (August 19)

Tuesday, August 19th, 2014

Limerick Ode To Aviation Day
By Madeleine Begun Kane

On this day, aviation shines bright;
Brother Orville, a father of flight,
Gets a birthday ovation
By prez proclamation.
Those who think today’s special are (w)right.

Ambrose Bierce, A Limerick Birthday Ode (Born June 24, 1842)

Tuesday, June 24th, 2014

Ambrose Bierce, A Limerick Birthday Ode
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Who the devil is Ambrose G. Bierce?
An author whose insights were fierce.
Each satirical lap
Keenly cut through the crap
With panache, as our foibles he’d pierce.

Limerick Ode To The Tonys

Sunday, June 8th, 2014

Limerick Ode To The Tonys
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I’ll be watching the Tonys tonight
And rooting for Tony. That’s right —
It’s Shalhoub in “Act One”
Who should win when they’re done
Toting votes, or my angst won’t be slight.

I’m Attached To Tape (Limerick)

Tuesday, May 27th, 2014

I just discovered a delicious factoid: what we now know as Scotch Tape was invented by a banjo player who worked for 3M. The inventor, Richard Gurley Drew, patented his adhesive tape on May 27, 1930.

I’m Attached To Tape (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Picture life without 3M Scotch Tape:
Stuff we need to affix would escape.
Paper’s bound to be freed
(Sticky wicket, indeed!)
While we’re stuck, all unglued and agape.

Happy Cellophane Tape Day!

Yet Another Limerick Day Ode to Edward Lear

Monday, May 12th, 2014

It’s Limerick Day, in honor of Edward Lear’s birthday on May 12th, and so…

Yet Another Limerick Day Ode to Edward Lear
By Madeleine Begun Kane

On May 12th I must celebrate Lear,
Though he’s mostly to blame, it is clear,
For my rhyming affliction
And lim’rick addiction;
I’m perversely a fan, so I cheer.

Just Deserts (Limerick)

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

Just Deserts (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“It’s home-made” is just one of those lines
Often used after everyone dines,
And they’re serving dessert.
That’s when guests ought not blurt:
“Tell the truth; it’s a mix — ‘Duncan Hines.'”

Happy birthday to Duncan Hines — author, food critic, and founder of the company that bears his name. (March 26, 1880 – March 15, 1959)

(You might think that I use mixes; I couldn’t possibly comment.)

Birthday Ode to Alexander Graham Bell

Monday, March 3rd, 2014

Happy birthday Mr. Bell! (March 3, 1847 – August 2, 1922)

Birthday Ode to Alexander Graham Bell (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Happy birthday, dear Alex Graham Bell.
As the telephone’s father, you’re swell.
I shall try not to hold
You to blame for the cold
Way we’re tortured by phone voicemail hell.

Odes To Roger Ebert, Ed Koch, Van Cliburn, & “Dear Abby” Columnist Pauline Phillips

Thursday, January 30th, 2014

This week’s Style Invitational features the witty winning entries in its contest for poems that commemorate people who died in 2013. Here are my non-winning ditties about Roger Ebert, New York City Mayor Ed Koch, concert pianist Van Cliburn, and “Dear Abby” columnist Pauline Phillips:

Roger Ebert:

For films that were plums,
Way up went his thumbs.
When downward they’d roam,
You’d know to stay home.

*****

Mayor Edward Koch:

This mayor rescued NYC
From near-financial ruin;
Ed Koch his name, his fav’rite game
Was asking “How’m I doin’?”

*****

Pauline Friedman Phillips a/k/a Abigail Van Buren:

“Dear Abby” was her column
Telling readers what to do.
Give your friends that very counsel?
That’s an act you’ll surely rue.

*****

Van Cliburn:

In a world-wide Moscow contest
Van Cliburn sure impressed.
But this USA pianist
Had the piano judges stressed.

They felt that he deserved to win
And so with trepidation
They asked Nikita, “Can we please
Give Cliburn top ovation?”

Mr. Khrushchev gave an answer
That surprised them. It was wise:
“If Van Cliburn played the very best,
Then give that man first prize.”

So a classical musician
Helped achieve a cold war thaw:
An American in Russia
Playing piano past a draw.

Open Limerick To Hubby Mark

Friday, December 27th, 2013

I wrote this limerick in response to Mark’s post about being urged by Facebook to “like” Kim Kardashian’s page.

Open Limerick To Hubby Mark
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Mark, I don’t mean to sound prim,
But I’d rather you NOT be-friend Kim.
If you do, your IQ
(already askew)
Will drop points till your brain power’s dim.

Reality TV Shows That Will Never Be Produced

Thursday, November 14th, 2013

In a recent Washington Post Style Invitational contest (Week 1043), we were challenged to invent fake celebrity reality shows. I enjoyed many of the winning entries, especially several of the Honorable Mentions. So be sure to click that link and read about those never-to-be shows.

Alas, no ink for me this week. But here are my three non-winning entries:

“Dancing Behind Bars.” Former “Dancing with the Stars” judge Bruno Tonioli launches his quest for “fast on their feet felons,” after running out of minimally talented dancers in the general population. “Inmates have so much talent, it’s criminal,” raves Bruno. “The cat burglars have stolen my heart! And those death row moves are killer!”

“The Sex Factor.” After losing control of the Miss USA and Miss Universe franchises in yet another bankruptcy, Donald Trump makes a comeback with a weekly beauty contest that, according to Trump, will be “really big” with “lots of bikinis and no interviews.” Says Trump, “girls should be seen and not heard … unless they went to Wharton.”

“Dancing Up In Mars” marks a “new frontier in reality TV, taking dance competitions to the next step.” Says host Newt Gingrich, “the gravity difference presents a grave challenge. But on the upside, Mars doesn’t enforce alimony laws. So no more checks to my six (or is it seven?) exes.”

Limerick Ode To The Emmy Awards

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

Limerick Ode To The Emmy Awards
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The Emmy Awards are tonight,
An annual Sunday night rite,
At which some make the list,
And others feel dissed,
And carpers harp: “TV’s a blight!”

Limerick Ode To Elmore Leonard

Wednesday, August 21st, 2013

Written with fond apologies to the late, lamented Elmore Leonard, after re-reading his New York Times piece, WRITERS ON WRITING; Easy on the Adverbs, Exclamation Points and Especially Hooptedoodle. (His article cautions against the abuse of prologues, adverbs and other description, exclamation points, weather references, regional dialect, the word “suddenly,” etc.)

On a hot, sunny day, an attractive young man sat in a tiny, darkened room, compulsively reading Elmore Leonard’s essay on writing. Carefully noting his ten writing no-nos, he bellowed loudly, “Fuggedaboutit! I can violate all of Leonard’s rules in a single limerick!”

“It’s raining!” he loudly cried out.
Then suddenly felt like a lout.
“A mensch I shall be…”
From this you can see
Leonard’s rules are what writing’s about.

Hashtag Madness (Limerick)

Monday, April 8th, 2013

Please relax Cher fans — Cher is still alive:

Legions of Twitter users were fooled into thinking the pop singer had passed after people began posting about late British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher under the hashtag #nowthatcherisdead.

Hashtag Madness (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Nowthatcherisdead” — hashtag blur
Has created one hell of a stir:
Dear fans of Ms. Cher,
Who’ve read “news” you can’t bear:
Cher’s alive. Thatcher’s dead. As you were!