MAD KANE’S HUMOR BLOG

The Outgoing Message I’d love To (But Probably Shouldn’t) Leave On My Answering Machine
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your party can’t come to the phone.
She’s at lunch or home sick.  Please don’t moan.
Leave a message, or not.
I don’t care — I’m a bot.
But my owner says, “Leave me alone!”

(For more phone-related verse, visit Sunday Scribblings.)

Technorati Tags: Telephone Verse, Answering Machine Limerick, Outgoing Messages, Phone Humor, Business Poem, Workplace Poetry

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is email and/or spam. First, my limerick:

I’m out of the office right now.
Do I hate answ’ring email? And how!
Missed your missive? I’m glad,
So I won’t say I’m sad.
Pester some other worker-bee. Ciao!

And now my three spam-related haiku:

Suffocating spam
Pours into my computer,
Drowning out meaning.

Virulent spammers
Take over my computer,
Devouring its core.

My email pours in,
The meaningful lost,
Strangled by spam.

Now, of course, it’s your turn. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about email and/or spam. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky. There’s no rush, by the way, because you have a whole week to post it.

UPDATE: The Mr. Linky site (which generates the Mr. Linky links) seems to be having technical problems. So if you’d like to add a link to your email or spam-themed verse, please put in the Comments for now.  When Mr. Linky starts working again, I’ll place your links into Mr. Linky myself.

Technorati Tags: Email Limerick, Spam Verse, Email Hell Humor, Writing Prompts, Career Humor

Rivals
By Madeleine Begun Kane

An arrogant fellow named Kirk
Thought each of his rivals a jerk.
When he vied for promotion,
He caused a commotion.
Now arrogant Kirk’s out of work.

(This limerick was inspired by Writers Island’s “rivals” prompt. And speaking  of prompts, there’s plenty of time left to give my latest relatives-related poetry prompt a try.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Competition Humor, Rivalry Verse, Arrogance Limerick

Today’s limerick and haiku theme is bad jobs. Why? Because everyone I know has had at least one really awful job. As for me, I’ve had more bad jobs than I’d care to remember. So here’s a pair of poems about two of them.  First, my limerick about substitute teaching:

In my twenties I substitute taught.
‘Tis a challenging job and it’s fraught;
All those calls before dawn
To instruct devil’s spawn
Made me anxious, uptight—overwrought.

And now, my haiku about working in a discount department store:

Discount lingerie:
Folded, painstakingly shelved.
Soon to be litter.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to write a limerick or haiku (or both) about bad jobs. When you’ve posted your verse, please return here and add a direct link to your themed poetry, using Mr. Linky.

UPDATE: Mr. Linky is now closed, but you can still add links to your bad jobs-themed verse in the Comments.

Technorati Tags: Bad Jobs, Employment Humor, Job Limerick, Substitute Teaching, Department Store, Discount Lingerie, Shoppers, School Humor, Education Limerick

Do you need  some poetry prompts?  This week’s poetry inspiration over at Totally Optional Prompts is a trio of sardonic work-related quotes. And that brings me to my latest limerick: 

What Will I Be When I Grow Up?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Ev’ry decade I change my career.
The first used my musical ear.
I tried lawyering second,
Till humor scribe beckoned.
What’s next? I just can’t wait to hear.

(You can find more of my employment humor here, my music humor here, and my legal humor here.)

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Feminism At Its Finest
* Carnival of the Insanities
* Blog Carnival of Observations On Life
* All Women Blogging Carnival
* Anything Goes Blog Carnival 

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Career Change, Totally Optional Prompts

Did you know that the Xerox office copying revolution was born on October 22, 1938? This led to two large drops:  Mimeographic machine sales  … and men’s pants.

Technorati Tags: Tech Humor, Xerox Copy Machines, Jokes, One-Liners, Historical Dates

Did you know that tomorrow, October 16th, is National Boss Day? So, are you excited yet?

I thought I’d “celebrate” National Boss Day with a pair of limericks:

Workplace Diplomacy Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Please mind your own business, I said,
To a woman whose presence I dread.
She is pushy and rude,
Rather nosy and crude.
Even worse—she’s the gal my boss wed. 

A Brief Beef
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My boss yelled, “I’ve got a big beef:
Your briefings are seldom … well … brief.
I want the essentials.
You give me tangentials.”
“So long,” I replied, with relief.

(You can find more of my employment humor here.)

Technorati Tags: National Boss Day, Boss Humor, Work Humor, Workplace Diplomacy, Briefings Humor, Odd Holidays

Games People Play … At Meetings
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Buzzword bingo’s a game workers play
To record pompous things people say:
With a buzzword list near,
They mark jargon they hear,
In their quest to keep boredom at bay.

(My previous humor about meetings is here.) 

Technorati Tags: Buzzword Bingo, Workplace Games, Work Fun, Jargon, Boredom, Pomposity, Work Limerick

Pity The Poor Lawyer
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your billable hours are low,”
Said the partner. “They simply must grow.
It behooves you to hike them
Or better, please spike them.
To lunch breaks and sleep, just say no!”

(This is but one of many reasons why I’m a “recovering lawyer.” You can find more of my law humor here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Limerick, Billable Hours, Law Partner, Lunch Breaks, Sleep Humor, Slavedriver Law Firms, Legal Humour, Work Satire, Workplace Limerick

Do you work with anybody like this?  I sure hope not!

Bandwidth Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“I’ve no bandwidth for that,” some folks say.
It’s their style of responding, “No way!
I’ve no time. I am beat.
I have deadlines to meet.
I’m maxed out. I can’t help you. Okay?”

=========

And now some links, for your reading pleasure:
* Carnival of the Insanities
* Blog Carnival on Observations on Life
* Carnival of Family Life

Technorati Tags: Stress Humor, Workplace Tension, Pressure, Anxiety Humor, Bandwidth, Deadlines, Time Pressure, Maxed Out

Sleepless In Geekdom
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband’s a super-smart geek
Who’s on overnight call once a week.
And those questions they pose
After wrecking our doze
Sound, to me, much like Latin or Greek.

Technorati Tags: Marriage Satire, Husband Wife Humor, Geek Humor, Technology Satire, Computer Satire, Insomnia Humor, Sleeplessness, On Call

A Rueful Rhyme
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your inventions are brilliant, it’s true.
Yes, you’re smart; it’s your rudeness I rue.
I regret that I met you,
My failure to vet you,
And, mostly, my saying, “I do.” 

Technorati Tags: Relationship Fun, Working Humor, Vetting Humor, Husband Wife Humor, Marriage Satire

Office Politics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Your career is at stake, you should know,
And you don’t want that guy as a foe.
Though his title ain’t fancy,
To mock him is chancy:
That fellow’s the president’s beau. 

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Office Politics Humor, Workplace Satire, Career Satire, Business Satire

Backup Blues
By Madeleine Begun Kane

They told me to back up my drive,
Which has crashed—it’s no longer alive.
Had I heeded their warning,
I wouldn’t be mourning
My data, which didn’t survive. 

Technorati Tags: Computers, Technology, Backups, Lost Data, Hard Drive, Crashes, Technology Satire, Computer Satire, Business Satire, Money Satire

Those &^%$#$% Auditions!!!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If a symphony job is your mission,
You’d better learn how to audition.
Those try-outs are trying.
Remember, no crying!
Can’t hack it? Become a physician.

Technorati Tags: Classical Music, Music Satire, Orchestra Musicians, Symphony Orchestras, Symphonic Music, Instrumentalists, Auditions Humor

Ode To The Bar Exam
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“I’m worried I won’t pass the bar,”
Cried the would-be attorney (no star).
His career he regretted.
Strung out, how he fretted:
He shouldn’t have quit the guitar.

(My legal humor is collected here.)

Technorati Tags: Lawyer Humor, Attorney Humor, Bar Exam Humor, Musician Humor, Career Humor

Accounting For That CPA
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This accountant is no CPA,
Though he hopes to become one some day.
The exams are a trial,
But they’re surely worthwhile:
He’ll track money for much better pay. 

(My money humor is collected here and my career and workplace humor is collected here.) 

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Accountants, Accounting, CPA, Professions, Exams

There are few “fun” activities quite so vexing as the Office Christmas Party; that obligatory gathering of bosses and subordinates, cronies and rivals, back-stabbers and back-stabbees. Plus a horde of husbands and wives who spend the entire night planning their escape.

Every year you fantasize about sending an RSVP marked “Thanks, but no thanks.” Then you return to reality and break the news to your spouse. “It’ll be different this time,” you lie. “It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll go to yours, if you’ll go to mine,” your mate responds. “And you have to promise to behave.”

This brings us to the art of gaffe avoidance. After all, who isn’t but one faux pas from the unemployment line? Dodging the pitfalls of office party protocol can be a daunting challenge. But with the help of this agreement, you’ll survive yet another function with your job intact.

AGREEMENT entered into on ____________, by Husband and Wife (collectively referred to as “Couple”).

WHEREAS, Couple’s employers suffer from the delusion that Office Christmas Parties are good for morale;

WHEREAS, Couple, being sane individuals, would prefer to stay home; and

WHEREAS, although Couple can’t prove a connection, everyone who skipped last year’s bash is now unemployed; … ” (Office Party Follies is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Christmas Party Humor, Husband-Wife Humor, Holiday Fun, Office Holiday Parties, Funny Contracts

THOUGHTFUL INTERVIEW 

For a job applicant, an interview is to be sought, then dreaded, then endured. And managers rarely relish interviews any more than the trembling supplicant on the other side of their desk. So it’s probably just as well that people can’t read minds. If they could, most interviews would be aborted within 45 seconds:

INTERVIEWER: Good morning Mr. Jones. I’m so pleased that we’ve finally had a chance to meet. (This loser’s been clogging my voicemail and email with desperate messages.)

APPLICANT: It’s a pleasure to speak with you. (She’s been dodging my messages for weeks. I’ll never get this job.)

INTERVIEWER: George Smith recommended you highly. So naturally I reviewed your resume and gave you a call. (George is an idiot. Why is he wasting my time with this jerk?)

APPLICANT: I’ve known George for years, and he’s very familiar with my work. (George is an idiot — a well-connected idiot. And if he weren’t my wife’s brother, he wouldn’t give me the time of day.)

INTERVIEWER: So tell me something about yourself. (He must be a relative. God I hate this job.)

APPLICANT: Well, —- I have a highly diversified background — everything from computer programming, to teaching, to sales. (One of these days I’ll find something I’m good at.)

INTERVIEWER: Which of those fields best reflects your skills? (Just what we need around here — another jack-of-all-trades.) … (My Thoughtful Interview is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Career Humor, Work Humor, Office Humor, Interview Humor, Interpersonal Humor,  Financial Humor, Employment Humor, Unemployment Humor, Business Humor, Money Humor, Workplace Humor

The “help wanted” pages are filled with job descriptions that defy comprehension. This probably explains why so many parents can’t quite figure out what it is their children do for a living. And it can lead to parental queries like this one from my mother-in-law to my husband Mark:

“Tell me exactly what your job is. Go slowly. I have to write it down.”

Mark hadn’t switched employers or secured a promotion; he’s been doing essentially the same work for ten years. So why the sudden curiosity? Because his parents recently attended a wedding packed with inquisitive relatives. Relatives who appeared to be more interested in Mark’s career than they were in the bride and groom. …

( Parental Proposal is continued here.)

Technorati Tags: Work Humor, Career Humor, Office Humor, Job Humor, Family Humor, Mother Humor, Parents Humor,  Relationship Humor, Business Humor, Workplace Humor