Posts Tagged ‘Crime & Punishment Humor’

Open Limerick To Would-Be Thieves

Friday, December 18th, 2015

This headline cried out for a limerick: “Seized to-do list: ‘Steal mail and shoplift.’”

When planning to plunder or steal,
Concealment is key; Don’t reveal
Any scheming on paper.
“To-do list” your caper?
Self-squealing, it’s clear, ain’t ideal.

Is There Anything Men Won’t Have Sex With? (Limerick)

Tuesday, October 20th, 2015

Here’s something that just doesn’t track:
Having sex with a tractor is whack!
But a Brit was arrested.
His crime? He molested
Deere rears, which must now watch their back.

Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: LAND at the end of Line 1 or 2 or 5

Saturday, September 19th, 2015

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick using LAND at the end of Line 1 or Line 2 or Line 5. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

A consultant was hoping to land
A restaurant client whose brand
Had been tarnished by scandal;
Its chef was a vandal
Who went nuts when his cooking was panned.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same rhyme word and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick Ode To A Stupid Criminal

Sunday, August 30th, 2015

My limerick was inspired by this news story: “Florida ex-con gives cops fake name that turns up arrest warrant.”

If you give a fake name to a cop
To disguise your ex-con-ness, don’t swap
Your bad name for another
Felonious brother…
Else you’re headed for prison — chop-chop.

A Bugged Plaintiff (Limerick)

Wednesday, June 17th, 2015

A Bugged Plaintiff (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Madame Blanche filed a claim with the court,
A complaint for intentional tort:
“As plainly depicted
Distress was inflicted–
My old spouse should by now be quite mort.”

A “Really Big Shew” Of A Crime (Limerick)

Saturday, October 4th, 2014

A “Really Big Shew” of A Crime (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A crisis had come to a head
And a torso and legs. Tears were shed,
Cuz some soon-to-be cons
Stole Ed Sullivan’s bronze.
But don’t fret — they’ve reclaimed AWOL Ed.

Yes, Ed Sullivan fans can breathe sighs of relief: “Los Angeles police have found the missing bronze statue of the renowned American TV personality, four days after it was stolen from the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences.”

A Lemon Of A Crime (Limerick)

Wednesday, September 17th, 2014

A Seattle Crime Report: A man walked into a KFC and hurled a round, yellow, $5.19 KFC-brand lemon cake at store employees. Then he walked out, without hitting any of the workers.

A Lemon Of A Crime (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear assaulter, I must ask you why
You went into a store and let fly
With a KFC cake.
That’s a half-baked mistake…
Cuz the weapon of choice is a pie.

Limerick Nest (Limerick-Off Monday)

Saturday, August 23rd, 2014

NOTE: THIS IS A TWO-WEEK LIMERICK-OFF. LIMERICK SUBMISSION DEADLINE IS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

Please note that due to the Labor Day holiday, this Limerick-Off will run for two weeks, instead of one. So I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner two weeks from today, on SEPTEMBER 7, 2014, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full two weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, September 6, 2014 at 10 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

And since you’ll have two weeks, I’m offering you a topical alternative: In addition to your regular challenge, you may write a limerick related to Labor Day or any other September holiday, using any first line. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best holiday-related limerick.

And now, getting back to your regular Limerick-Off challenge, I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman discovered a nest…*

or

Our children are back in the nest…*

or

All our kids have at last flown the nest…*

or

A fellow had feathered his nest…*

or

It’s best not to foul your own nest…*

or

There’s a syndrome that’s called “empty nest…”*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Nest
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A zoo-keeper feathered his nest.
At theft he was one of the best.
He was cagey and knew
Not to crow to his crew.
Getting caught’s for the birds, he’d assessed.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Open Limerick To Facebook Fanatics

Saturday, August 2nd, 2014

Open Limerick To Facebook Fanatics
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear Facebook fanatics, I know
That an outage on Facebook’s a blow.
But a crisis that small
Doesn’t call for a call
To the cops. Grab a beer or Bordeaux.

(Inspired by the lunatics who called 911 lines Friday during Facebook’s half-hour outage.)

Happy “Nude Day!” (July 14)

Monday, July 14th, 2014

Limerick Ode To “Nude Day”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A gal likes to publicly doff
All her clothing, then pose to show off.
“It’s a strip search time-saver
I did you a favor,”
When jailed, she’ll transparently scoff.

A Rhyme To The Wise (2-Verse Limerick)

Friday, June 6th, 2014

A Rhyme To The Wise (2-Verse Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A scrappy young felon liked rhyme,
So he promised himself — no more crime.
He’d instead be a rapper.
But here is the capper:
His “confessional tunes” got him time.

So limerick writers, take heed.
Your rhymes may be next. They could feed
A detective’s suspicions,
Who deems them admissions.
Then indictment — your verse his first lead.

Note: Legal experts are currently debating the surprisingly widespread use of rap lyrics in criminal cases.

Blame Game (Limerick)

Thursday, April 10th, 2014

Blame Game (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A guy who was rather a stoner
Was pulled over and uttered this groaner:
“That jalopy was stole
“By me, so this bowl
“Of hash must belong to the owner.”

Note from Mad Kane: My limerick was inspired by this news headline: That’s not my pot; I stole the car, says Jay man.

Limerick Fall (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, November 24th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow who’d taken the fall…*

or

A gal was enjoying the fall…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Fall
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow who’d taken the fall
For his boss got enraged, took an awl
And then spiked the guy’s head.
His boss is now dead.
All told, it’s a job-ending brawl.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Caveat Burglar (Limerick)

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

This fellow tried to rob the wrong house:

Robyn Irvine, a former ax-throwing competitor living in Hemet, Calif., woke up when she heard a noise and saw the burglar trying to snatch her watch from her wrist, according to CBS Los Angeles.

Irvine quickly grabbed an ax, scaring the intruder.

Caveat Burglar (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Dear burglars, it’s time to face facts:
Preparation is key — don’t be lax.
You must research each job
To ensure folks you rob
Aren’t expert at lobbing an ax.

Limerick Peek (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, October 13th, 2013

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was sneaking a peek…*

or

A woman was showing her pique…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Limerick Peek
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A scent expert, sneaking a peek
At some formulas, heard a loud creak.
Though he hid just in time,
He was caught at his crime
When he farted, emitting a reek.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

A Criminal Defense? (Limerick)

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

This three-verse limerick is based on a real Texas criminal case: “Lawyer admits napping at trial, but rates his performance an 8 or a 9.”

A Criminal Defense? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man got a sentence immense,
Then complained of a sleepy defense:
“My defense lawyer slept
Which makes him inept,
So a do-over trial makes sense.”

His lawyer contested the claim:
“I am not for that sentence to blame.
I slept just a while
And I ran a good trial.
Even dozing, I’m right on my game.”

On this statement the lawyer won’t budge,
And he even is running for judge.
I suppose that he thinks
When he’s caught forty winks,
His court clerk will just give him a nudge.

Observant Limerick

Tuesday, September 17th, 2013

My limerick was inspired by this news item:

Group of observant Brooklyn drug dealers told customers they were closed for Shabbat: The five men would text customers with warnings that they were about to stop dealing around sundown Friday, according to a criminal complaint…

“The men are accused of peddling heroin, oxycodone, cocaine and other drugs from their Bedford Ave. drug warehouse…”

Observant Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

If you plan to sell drugs and break laws,
It seems God will forgive all your flaws,
And you won’t be a goner
So long as you honor
Shabbat with a crime-breaking pause.

Ruthless Limerick

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

Ruthless Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A dentist who’s lacking in ruth
Worships money, possessions, and youth.
In his quest for all three,
His crimes guarantee
He’ll be jailed until long in the tooth.

No Accounting For Taste (Limerick)

Saturday, April 27th, 2013

No Accounting For Taste (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The prison was chock full of crooks,
Like the chef — in for cooking the books.
He’d been caught by the owner,
Who shouted this groaner:
“Fishy numbers! These aren’t chinooks!”

Note from Mad Kane: I learned two things today:

1: Chinook salmon, a.k.a. king salmon, are the “most highly prized salmon in the culinary world.”

2: A “salmon day” is slang for “spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed somehow in the end.”

Happy National Escape Day (Jan 30th) (Limerick)

Tuesday, January 29th, 2013

So, is everyone ready for National Escape Day (January 30th)? I didn’t think so.

Here’s a limerick to celebrate, although I’m pretty sure this isn’t the sort of “escape” the holiday founders had in mind:

No Escape (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A felon was trying to run,
But his plan to escape was undone:
He tripped and he fell,
Tumbling into a well.
Never run while you’re under the gun.