Archive for the ‘Children Humor’ Category

Pat Parental Retorts (Limerick)

Saturday, August 27th, 2016

Parents dish out some phrases with glee:
“Just because!” “Cuz I said so!” “We’ll see!”
“Till you pay your own way,
You must do what I say!”
“Do you think money grows on a tree?”

Happy “Just Because Day!” (Aug. 27)

Trick-Or-Treating Goes Green? (Limerick)

Wednesday, October 29th, 2014

Here’s a creepy Halloween-related survey:

More than half (53%) of parents of trick-or-treaters say their children between the ages of 4 and 10 would prefer cash over candy or even toys, according to a survey of 1,747 parents who celebrated Halloween carried out by coupon- and discount-code website Vouchercloud.net.

Trick-Or-Treating Goes Green? (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

To you kids who want Halloween cash,
And not candy, your hopes I must dash.
If you ask me for money
Dear girly or sonny,
I’ll double the other kid’s stash.

“Entrepreneur Barbie!” Are They Toying With Us?

Friday, July 11th, 2014

“Entrepreneur Barbie!” Are They Toying With Us?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The new Barbie’s an “Entrepreneur.”
Mattel claims it’s intended to spur
Young girls to create
Their own bus’ness. But wait!
Why the form-fitting hot-pink couture?

I’m NOT making this up! “Entrepreneur Barbie,” from Mattel Canada, supposedly takes aim at the glass ceiling. Alas, it clearly misses:

It’s unclear by her garb what company she runs; instead of a power suit, she sports a form-fitting, hot pink sleeveless dress, and her briefcase looks more like a designer purse. The only hint that this doll means business are her tiny tablet and smartphone accessories.

Badly Behaved Limerick

Tuesday, January 7th, 2014

My apologies in advance:

Badly Behaved Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was rather astounded
At his granddaughter’s meanness unbounded.
She would tie up her dog
And then dangle a frog,
Hounding both. Time that teenager’s grounded!

I Wrote This Limerick “Just Because”

Tuesday, August 27th, 2013

When I was a child, I hated the words “just because,” a favorite parental “explanation.” And yet there’s a “Just Because Day,” celebrated on August 27th by people who look at those words rather differently.

I Wrote This Limerick “Just Because”
By Madeleine Begun Kane

The parental retort,”Just because,”
Is a stale and inadequate clause.
Moms might just as well say
“It’s the law, so obey!”
Or, hemmed in, just try hemming and haws.

Freelance Mothering

Tuesday, May 7th, 2013

This feels vaguely appropriate for Mother’s Day:

Freelance Mothering (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Be it newspapers, Web, magazines,
Mistakes are in print and on screens:
Though I’ve NO kids to nag,
I once learned in a mag:
I’m the very proud mother of teens.

True story: Many years ago I wrote several freelance humor columns for Family Circle Magazine, one of which was a “humorous contract” between parents and their teen about learning to drive.

I’ll never forget standing on a long line at the supermarket and spotting the issue I was scheduled to appear in, near the cash register. I grabbed the magazine, turned to the back page and excitedly started to read.

Everything look great … until I got to the bio note, which should have read: “Madeleine Begun Kane is a New York-based freelance humor columnist and lawyer.”

Instead, it read, “Madeleine Begun Kane is the mother of teens.”

And no, I do NOT have any children … unless, of course, you count my hubby Mark.

Spellbinding Changes (Limerick)

Friday, April 12th, 2013

Computers and spell-check have been turning spelling prowess into a quaint art. So it’s no wonder that the people behind the 2013 Scripps National Spelling Bee have upped the ante, now requiring competitors to actually know what the words they’re spelling mean.

Needless to say, this is controversial. And although I think the idea’s a good one, I sympathize with the contestants. Why? Because the change is rather last minute. The contest starts this May 28th, and the change was announced just a couple of days ago, on April 9th.

It’s the very definition of I-N-I-Q-U-I-T-O-U-S.

Spellbinding Changes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

They’re making the Spelling Bee tougher–
Decidedly meaner and rougher:
It’s no longer enough
To learn spelling of stuff–
Master meanings, or rankings shall suffer.

Bright Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, November 25th, 2012

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A woman who wasn’t too bright…*

or

A fellow who wasn’t too bright…*

*(Minor variations to my first lines are acceptable, but rhyme words may not be altered.)

Here’s my limerick:

Bright Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman who wasn’t too bright
Met a fellow who wasn’t quite “right.”
They wed, had a kid—
High IQ — off the grid.
Please don’t ask “Who’s the dad?”— Impolite!

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Halloween Haiku (2012)

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

Though schools remain closed,
trick-or-treat stash is untouched:
Halloween Sandy.

*****

Hurricane Sandy
sure outpaces Halloween
in sheer spookiness.

One Father’s Day Limerick Too Many?

Thursday, June 14th, 2012

One Father’s Day Limerick Too Many?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A pregnant young woman named Kay
Was due to give birth the next day.
So it wasn’t sublime
When her spouse picked that time
To confess that he really was gay.

Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Toys “R” Us seems to be selling some potty-mouthed dolls:

Pauline Davis bought some last minute presents for her grandchildren Christmas Eve, but when she brought three talking dolls back to her Oaklyn, N.J. home, she got a rude surprise.

The dolls giggle, coo, and then say something that sounds exactly like, “OK, crazy bitch.”

The three dolls called “You and Me Play and Giggle Triplets” are made just for the Toys “R” Us brand, and Toys “R” Us is sticking by its alleged potty-mouthed pixies.

Potty-Mouthed Dolls — I’m Not Toying With You (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Toys “R” Us has encountered a hitch
In its baby doll sales and it’s rich.
They should babble and burble,
But these dolls are verbal:
They exclaim loud and clear “Crazy Bitch.”

Spent Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, November 27th, 2011

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow whose last dime was spent…

or

A woman whose last dime was spent…

Here’s mine:

Spent Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow whose last dime was spent
On a gal below age of consent
Did nothing illicit,
Though mom was complicit:
‘Twas a “sweet sixteen” birthday event.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!

Edible Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, November 20th, 2011

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A man was attempting to eat…

or

A gal was attempting to eat…

Here’s mine, which I hope doesn’t describe your Thanksgiving dinner:

Edible Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A man was attempting to eat
When he spotted a mouse near his seat.
So he smashed down his foot,
And the mouse went kaput,
As his kid cried, “You killed little Pete!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!

Dining On Limericks (Limerick-Off Monday)

Sunday, September 4th, 2011

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner plus the Honorable Mentions.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, and cleverness. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, you can find some helpful resources listed here.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse.

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was trying to dine…

or

A woman was trying to dine…

Here’s mine:

Dining On Limericks
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A fellow was trying to dine,
When a teenager started to whine.
Then a baby chimed in —
Spoiled his steak. What a sin!
So he yelled, “Damn those children of mine!”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, in the “Author” section just below my Limerick-Offs button. Thanks!

One Headache of an Acrostic Limerick

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011

As I’ve mentioned before, I enjoy the challenge of writing acrostic limericks. But I found the latest acrostic limerick prompt from Acrostic Only to be tougher than usual. Here’s what I came up with:

One Headache of an Acrostic Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Pleasant dreams are quite hard to secure
On nights when you have to endure
Unspeakable noise:
Next door neighbors with boys,
Deaf’ning dogs, and the parents on tour.

An Adorable Tyrant

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

I found myself a new serendipitous oxymoron at the prompt generator I played with yesterday. So the subject of today’s limerick is an Adorable Tyrant:

An Adorable Tyrant (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

An “adorable tyrant?” Sounds wild!
A strange combo of mean and the mild.
I might even buy tix
To see such a mix,
Unless it’s a three-year-old child.

Frazzled Limerick Limerick Audio

Sunday, October 31st, 2010

Once again, it’s Limerick-Off time. I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A frazzled new father named Jim…

Here’s mine:

Frazzled Limerick (Frazzled Limerick Audio)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A frazzled new father named Jim
Bought his baby toy trains on a whim.
When his wife saw the gift,
She was terribly miffed,
So she yelled, “That’s for you. What’s for him?”

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please send me an email requesting the alerts. You’ll find my email address on the upper right sidebar, right above my photo. Thanks!

Update: May 2 is Baby Day.

A Dog Of A Limerick

Sunday, April 25th, 2010

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A wealthy old woman named Kate…

Here’s mine:

A Dog Of A Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A wealthy old woman named Kate
Left her dog an enormous estate.
Her children all stewed
Till they finally sued.
Who won? Well, each lawyer did great.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity in my Limerick-Offs.

Empty Nest (Limerick)

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Empty Nest (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A woman was feeling depressed.
(Her syndrome is called “empty nest.”)
Her home was too calm.
She missed being a mom—
Though her spouse “helped” by being a pest.

Feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, please join my friends in that same activity in my limerick-offs.

A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid?

Friday, March 13th, 2009

I’ve heard some bad violinists in my day … especially back when I substitute-taught elementary school music classes. But amazingly enough, this robot violinist (while lousy, of course) is better than your average fifth grade violin student.

In honor of the robot violinist, I’ve written a double limerick:

A Robot Violinist That Plays Better Than Your Kid?
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Fanatics may think it’s a sin
For a robot to play violin.
But its tone ain’t as bad
As some students I’ve had.
In a contest with them, it would win.

Yes it’s weak in vibrato and phrasing.
But its rhythm and pitch are amazing.
So you’re robot averse —
I’m still sure you’ve heard worse.
And if not, I shall brace for the hazing.