Limerick-Off Award (498)

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this crafty 2-verse limerick:

Tim James:

Penny glared at the “food” on her plate.
“Are you trying to make me lose weight?”
She inquired of her guy.
“That’s not fit for a sty!
As a drain cleaner, though, it’s first-rate.”

Harry knew he’d been properly chaffed.
“I guess cooking’s beyond me!” he laughed.
He escaped Penny’s glare
When he learned to prepare
Mac and cheese sold in boxes by Kraft.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special CRAFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A comedical poet of note,
On the subject of lim’ricks once wrote:
“Call it craft, call it art,
Me, I don’t give a fart.
Do whichever it is floats your boat.”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: COMPLAINT CELL FORBID QUIRKY BOIL. (It’s also also a CRAFT-Themed limerick.

Lisi Nortman:

The motif I designed very well
Is a smash with my rich clientele.
Haven’t heard one complaint!
And I’ve named it, “The Quaint
Martha Stewart Traditional Cell.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Johnston, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Steve Benko, Bob Turvey, Michael Moulton, Byron Miller, Mark Totterdell, Trevor Alexander, Rudy Landesman, Richard Campbell, Dane Paulsen, Tim James, Robert Martinez, Paul Haebig, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Woodstock Taylor, and Christophe Gowans. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:


Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A gal with a braid long and straight,
Who desired a twist more ornate,
Dressed her tresses with bling
(A new wave, quirky thing),
Then complained, “I’ve too much on my plait!”


Steve Johnston:

In his cell they forbid pastel paint,
But the artsy con curbs his complaint.
His blood’s at a boil,
Yet he will not roil.
He’s quirky, but whiner he ain’t.


Terry Marter:

The waitress I wanted to date
Tripped and fell in my lap. (It was fate.)
“You saved me!” she said.
The first thought in my head?
“She’s been handed to me on a plate.”

Lisi Nortman:

Oh, what an imposing estate!
It’s in very good taste, yet ornate.
We drank wine from Lalique.
The sterling was chic.
And each guest had a posh paper plate.

Steve Benko:

“If you leave any food on your plate,
You will suffer a terrible fate,”
Said the parents. “Okay,”
The boy answered, “But hey,
As to sins, did you know I’m not straight?”

Bob Turvey:

There was a young fellow named Bunn
Who was shot in the head with a gun.
A large metal plate
Caused the pain to abate
And made airport security fun.

Mike Moulton:

The Queen (bless her heart) was irate
When she saw Emsley’s portrait of Kate;
With the paint hardly dry,
She let out a cry:
“I’ll have that man’s head on a plate!”

Byron Miller:

The amount he had piled on his plate,
Made some “all you can eat” guests irate.
Once his meal had been tabled,
Chit-chat was disabled:
His dinner had hidden his date.

Mark Totterdell:

At the trendy new place where we ate,
Food was served on a board, or a slate,
Or a piece of rare vinyl,
Or old cracked urinal,
Or anything else but a plate.

Trevor Alexander:

In a chat with my long-time best mate
Who’d a penchant for putting on weight,
I confided I felt
That he’d be rather svelte
If he ate from a much smaller plate.


Steve Benko:

“We think women do witchcraft in Salem,”
Said the mayor. “We find ’em and nail ’em.”
The Supreme Court rejoined,
“Women’s rights we’ve purloined!”
And a mullah just shrugged, “Here, we veil ’em.”

Rudy Landesman:

I sought help from a clown of renown.
“My jokes,” I said, “make people frown.”
He said, “Nobody laughed?
You should first hone your craft.
And then you must dumb your jokes down.”

Steve Johnston:

On hearing my warning, they laughed:
“You silly twit, you must be daft.
There is no need to panic!
We’re on the Titanic.
No iceberg can threaten this craft!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

To my Craftsman-style house came a “crafter,”
Paid to tear down a rotted old rafter.
I asked, “Load-bearing wall?”
He said, “Too soon to call.
But no worries — I’ll let you know after.”

Richard Campbell:

Some say lim’ricks are simple to craft.
But those folks are decidedly daft.
It’s so easy to goof,
And I’ll proffer as proof:
This last line was my seventeenth draft.

Dane Paulsen:

Carving models – a difficult craft;
I wanted to cry, but just laughed
When I lost a firm grip
And I caused chisel-slip,
Turning sailing ship into a raft.

Tim James:

Said a crafty investor named Schmidt
(Who had dabbled in crypto a bit):
“It’s the ol’ pump-and-dump —
Last guy in is a chump —
But for now it’s still semi-legit.”

Lisi Nortman:

Using witchcraft is no longer fun.
I’ve promised myself that I’m done.
No more casting love spells
In those sleazy motels;
Doesn’t work, the men see me and run.

Robert Martinez:

Whether boat or a raft or pontoon,
I can shrug off the fiercest typhoon.
Hell, just give me a plank;
Your ass I’ll still spank
In a sailing race to Cameroon.

Terry Marter:

In the lane-way, the art-n-craft gallery
Is a ‘front’ for the hot hooker (Valerie.)
It’s well known: ‘Backstreet Vally’
Lures men up her alley;
They’re the real source of Valerie’s salary.

Steve Benko:

My limerick writing’s a craft;
I work hard on them, draft after draft.
One night a bad dream
Made me wake up and scream;
At my entries, Mad Kane hadn’t laughed.

Mark Totterdell:

Old Noah was not at all daft
In the way that he loaded his craft,
Taking trouble to store
Both the lions to the fore,
And the zebras and antelopes aft.


Sjaan VandenBroeder:

There are those who would never complain,
Should the Other Guy’s future domain,
Be a place with a lock —
One small cell in a block —
An apt tribute, perhaps, to his brain.

Paul Haebig:

He managed in prison quite well
And he soon learned to cope in his cell.
Some things they forbid
And those things he hid…
But just where, I would rather not tell.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker used terms that were quirky:
Straight sex became “Stuffing the Turkey.”
A hand-job (how quaint!)
She called “Portnoy’s Complaint,”
And a blow-job she sold as “Beef Jerky.”

Dave Johnson:

I am not really one to complain,
But cell phones may drive me insane:
Unusable apps
And connections that lapse;
My land line’s a must to retain.

Tim James:

My complaint is: my gal has a quirk.
It’s her mood; it can change with a jerk.
She transitions with ease
From a boil to a freeze.
Keeping up is a whole lot of work!

Woodstock Taylor:

Dear Customer Care – a complaint:
A functional cell phone this ain’t.
And heaven forbid
It should do what it did
In the ad – that would be just too quaint!

Christophe Gowans:

Now, a quirky young inmate called Doyle
Had a nasty complaint: a big boil.
Medics said “Bloody hell!”
Sent him back to his cell
And forbade him from selling the “oil.”

Terry Marter:

He gets word in his cell (on home soil), –
His exub’rance, now starting to boil:
The proud father to be
Is in Brooklyn (you see)
And yells out to the world “It’s a Goil!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Pure and pious was Pete as a kid —
Never sinned like the other boys did.
So he had no complaint,
On becoming a Saint,
And enjoyed saying, “Heaven forbid!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

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