Posts Tagged ‘Byron Miller’

Limerick-Off Award (283)

Saturday, October 14th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A brewer’s wife, hastily wed,
Came to dread joyless hops into bed.
And so she went down
On each fellow in town.
And that’s how things came to a head.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special GLASSES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

On the naturist beach, he loves staring
At flesh that the ladies are baring.
He even makes passes
At girls who wear glasses,
Provided that’s all that they’re wearing.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ and STEVE WHITRED, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Fred Bortz:

Dear Madeleine Kane, you should dread
If my limerick’s not at the head.
Prepare for the worst
If my poem’s not first.
Your friendly extortionist, Fred.

Steve Whitred:

Don’t let Fred put a gun to your head.
You should pick one of MY lims instead;
They’re insightful and funny.
I’ll wire you money.
Ignore what that scientist said.

Fred Bortz:

Mad’s caught between two different tribes;
Arm-twisters and those who use bribes.
She can’t win for losing.
The answer is boozing.
And that’s why our leader imbibes.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Marty Gerendasy, Neal Starkman, Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Will T. Laughlin, Randolph Wagner, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, and Bruce Niedt. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “HEAD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GLASSES-Themed LIMERICKS)

Marty Gerendasy:

“Hey, I can’t find my glasses!” he said.
“Could it be they fell under the bed?”
Then she gave him a look
And said “Don’t be a schnook.
“They’re still sitting on top of your head!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HEAD” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

Since faces should never be smacked,
My friends and I made a nice pact
To give noogies instead
On the top of each head,
Even though it’s a knucklehead act.

Neal Starkman:

“Be nice now; I’ll give you some head.”
At least, that’s what I thought she had said.
I climbed into bed
But, dammit, instead,
She brought me a platter of bread.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

Said Marie Antoinette at her wedding,
Let’s slip out dear and get to the bedding.
I’ll give you some head,
And I’d love to get spread,
Plus, my maidenhead needs a beheading.

Tim James:

A powerful media head
Uttered “Rosebud” before dropping dead.
So for hours on screen
They ask, “What did that mean?”
Here’s a spoiler alert: it’s a sled.

Steve Whitred:

The ex-lawyer, ex-oboist said
To her wooer, who’d just been misled:
“When I boasted, ‘You know,
I still blow like a pro,’
I was not at all proffering head.”

Will T. Laughlin:

The French executioner said,
As he mopped up a puddle of red:
“Madame Guillotine
May be wicked and mean,
But she really knows how to give head!”

Randolph Wagner:

An heiress flirtatiously said,
“All philanthropy starts in one’s bed.”
When she found a poor knave,
She indulgently gave
Him the shirt off her back and great head.

Jane Hoffman:

To lose weight, buy just one lettuce head
And with it eat one slice of bread.
That’s it for the day.
You’ll love what you weigh,
But you’ll never again feel well-fed!

Dave Johnson:

The madame quite proudly has said
“My ladies were properly bred.
Attentive and smart,
They’re well versed in the art
Of giving while getting ahead.”

Suzanne Heymann:

Do you suffer night terrors in bed?
And believe something’s wrong in your head?
Here’s a cure – sex and booze
And don’t stop! The good news?
You will probably snooze or drop dead.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GLASSES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

I am fed up with Hollywood lasses
Who are “plain” ’til they take off their glasses;
Put that in your script,
And you ought to be shipped
To remedial screenwriting classes.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “I’m YUGE! It surpasses
The cock of your dreams! It outclasses – ”
The hooker said “Yes,
But to find it, I guess
That I’ll just have to put on my glasses.”

Sharon Neeman:

My near-sighted, shy friend Bill Shear
Solved both of his problems this year:
He got three different glasses
For meeting with lasses —
Martini, Old-Fashioned and beer.

Fred Bortz:

The rat was a pervert whose passes
Made friends think he needed new glasses.
He pursued the wrong genus–
Declared, “For my penis,
There’s nothing as sweet as mole asses.”

Tim James:

A fellow once said with a frown:
“Wearing specs makes me look like a clown;
Besides, you can tell
I see perfectly well…”
…Then walked into a door, and fell down.

Dave Johnson:

Fox News – where they sit on their asses
And blather voluminous gasses.
Each morning they’ll drool
Over Donald Trump’s rule
With a pile that would steam up your glasses.

Will T. Laughlin:

As nice as things tend to appear
Through rose-colored glasses, I fear
That it’s time to dispose
Of those glasses of rose,
And replace them with glasses of BEER.

Dave Johnson:

With Lasik, I wanted to boast
Great vision – much better than most.
It was that way indeed;
But now I’ve a need
For readers when writing this post.

Bruce Niedt:

Guys never make serious passes
(Goes the saying) at girls who wear glasses.
Said one spectacled cutie,
“They can’t see my beauty –
Their heads are all up in their asses!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (282)

Saturday, September 30th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny REST-rhyme limerick:

I decided I needed a rest
From that evil fake-President pest,
So I tried to compose
A sweet Ode to a Rose,
But my keyboard is Donald-obsessed.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special GUILT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which one might argue is also a REST-rhyme limerick.

Sharon Neeman:

“Are you sure it’s OK? I’m so stressed,”
Murmured Tom as they kissed and caressed.
“Don’t feel guilty,” said James;
“Mad likes homophone games —
So come here, dear; let’s show her our best!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Kirk Miller, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Dean Geier, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Steve Benko, Bruce Niedt, Will T. Laughlin, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “REST/WREST/ARREST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO GUILT LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

Hugh Hefner is lying at rest;
To his legacy I can attest.
A lascivious smile
Embodied the style
Where pleasure, when guilty, is best.

Brian Allgar:

The Donald is under arrest!
“I am guilty as charged,” he confessed.
Now he’s rotting in jail
Sewing bags for the mail …
Then I woke from my dream, quite depressed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“REST/WREST/ARREST” RHYME DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

At the chance for a nap I am leaping;
Into dreamland I soon will be creeping.
As my friends will attest,
I get plenty of rest.
I just never get tired of sleeping.

Byron Miller/aka Errol Nimbly:

When he puts his binocs to the test,
Mr. Thomas can peep with the best.
While concealing his boners,
This deviant loner’s
Adept at evading arrest.

Dean Geier (whose limerick also falls into the “flattery gets you everywhere” category:

From lim’ricks we’ve taken a rest,
But now with a fresh lively zest
We welcome you back.
Let us get back on track!
Mad Kane, you are simply THE BEST!

Sharon Neeman:

Said the cat to the writer hard-pressed:
“Who works harder? I have the best test:
I keep chasing my mouse
All around the damn house,
While yours stays on its pad, safe at rest.”

Brian Allgar:

“Ten commandments on stone! What a pain!
My back is on fire again!
Though thy name shall be blest,
Could you give me a rest?”
“Shut the fuck up! THOU SHALT NOT COMPLAIN!”

Tim James:

Miss Temple’s films weren’t the best,
Though she said they outranked all the rest.
“They were fun, sweet and warm,
And the art’s highest form!”
So I said to her, “Shirley, you jest.”

Steve Benko:

Said the sheriff, “You’re under arrest,
For I’m free at the Donald’s behest.
We’re Knights of the Grail
Putting wetbacks in jail
And we won’t be deterred in our quest.”

Bruce Niedt:

The anchor’s a little distressed –
She wants to stand out from the rest.
She’ll go under the knife
To be larger than life –
With the news she will keep us abreast!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GUILT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, Macbeth! Don’t you feel any guilt
At the ocean of blood you have spilt?
Said Macbeth, “I do not.
For you see, I’m a Scot,
And in Scotland it’s kill or be kilt.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

Early home, I surprised husband Milt.
I could tell right away he felt guilt.
For although he sure tried,
He just couldn’t hide
That curvaceous lump under the quilt.

Kirk Miller:

When the judge stroked his dick out of view
From the lawyers, it steadily grew.
The judge stroked with fury.
“Not guilty,” said jury.
The defendant got off; the judge, too.

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s gold-lust can never be sated;
Just touching it makes him elated.
Every loo he’s had built
Is the proof of his gilt,
And even his shit is gold-plated.

Sharon Neeman:

Drinking cocoa and petting the cat,
Hearing Bach and crocheting a hat,
When it’s rainy and chill
And the boss thinks you’re ill —
What a great guilty pleasure is that!

Steve Whitred:

Some people are weak, some are good
Some do chores in the order they should
Some give in to the yen
To put paper to pen
When they ought to be bucking up wood.

Fred Bortz:

In the sporran’s where he hid the loot,
A goblet, gold plated–a beaut!
But his kilt came unsealed
And his guilt was revealed.
Or was it his gilt? (The point’s moot.)

Dave Johnson:

Their overnight fling ran its course;
How it ended, she wouldn’t endorse.
Awoken alone
By a text on her phone:
“I’m guilty of boner’s remorse.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (280)

Saturday, June 24th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Every Brave and his tribe had to waive
All the rights to the land that they’d crave.
So I hope that you see
It’s the land of the free,
But no longer the home of the Brave.

Congratulations to MARTY GERENDASY, who wins the Special Graduation-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Best of luck to the new group of grads!
What a fine bunch of lassies and lads.
May they all have success
As they clean up the mess
That was left by their moms and their dads!

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

They thought he was safe in his grave,
The liar, the traitor, the knave.
But they heard a faint moan,
And the soil was upthrown
As a tiny hand started to wave.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Marty Gerendasy, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Suzanne Heymann, Hildy Zampella, Byron Miller, and David Reddekopp. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WAVE/WAIVE” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

He’d come on to her hard at the rave
When she’d flashed him a wink and a wave.
But he started to freak
When they danced cheek to cheek
‘Cause the “gal” was in need of a shave.

Marty Gerendasy:

With a wink and a smile and a wave
She could make any guy misbehave.
And she’d always defend
Her attempts to befriend.
“I’m just giving the boys what they crave.”

Fred Bortz:

“Does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er our country, the Home of the Brave?
Is our nation still free?”
Wonders Francis Scott Key,
As our forefathers roll in the grave.

Dave Johnson:

Now Trump is refusing to save
Our earth from the sun’s early grave.
So dumb, he can’t see
Mar-a-Lago will be
A House with a permanent wave.

Suzanne Heymann:

His long beard had the kinkiest wave,
And his wife asked, “Dear, why don’t you shave?
At least use some shampoo
To remove all the goo
No more nooky if you don’t behave!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRADUATION LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

Congrats to the grads! It’s your day!
Let all that you’ve learned light your way!
Now the world looks to you!
To your own self be true,
On this National Day of Cliché.

Hildy Zampella:

Oh good heavens we just got one more!
Graduation announcements galore!
At last count, twenty three.
Will I ever be free
From this card-buying, check-writing chore?

Byron Miller:

If Trump ever speaks to the nation,
To state how he loves education,
The vacuous coot
Will expect a salute
For his primary school graduation.

Dave Johnson:

The valedictorian’s talk,
That proud “Pomp and Circumstance” walk;
Hooray for the grads!
While mothers and dads
Think “How do we get out of hock?”

Fred Bortz:

He may have been last in his class,
The one who just managed to pass,
But be careful. Don’t mock
When you visit that doc
With the proctoscope shoved up your ass.

David Reddekopp:

We’re all graduates. Everyone passes!
Though we sleepwalked through all of our classes,
As the final bell rings
We’ve not learned any things.
Now we’re out in the world – on our asses!

Dave Johnson:

Today should be happy, not sad;
You gained a lot more than you had.
Hard lessons were learned
For the title you’ve earned:
A Trump University grad!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (277)

Saturday, May 13th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A sly shopkeep, a baker by trade,
Had a helper, a doughy young maid.
On his bread-making bench,
He defloured the wench,
“I was kneading,” he said, “to get laid.”

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Intelligence-Themed Limerick Award for this clever, multi-versed limerick:

As Presidents go, I’m so smart.
My brain power sets me apart.
It’s true that my thinkin’s
More bigly than Lincoln’s.
I belong at the top of the chart.

Fake media call me bombastic.
They’re wrong, folks. You know I’m fantastic.
So let’s have some fun.
I’ll call up Kim Jung Un.
I’ll threaten to do something drastic.

I’m the best when it comes to deflection
Away from that Russian connection.
Though it’s not really bad
To be palling with Vlad,
I’ll give them that old misdirection.

My intelligence keeps me ahead.
Keep ’em guessing. Make sure they’re misled.
Every day, a new story.
That’s Trump’s shining glory.
Now who can I quote that is dead?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Tim James, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Sue Dulley, and Jesse Levy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MADE/MAID” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INTELLIGENCE LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

The Intelligence chiefs were dismayed;
The Commander was planning a raid.
“Where’s Korea?” he mumbled,
Then cursed as he fumbled –
“My little red button’s mislaid!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MADE/MAID” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

“It’s May Day! I’m off now,” cried Jade,
“To dance and disport in the glade.”
Said her mom, to her sorrow,
“No, May Day’s tomorrow;
It’s April” — and Jade was dis-Mayed.

Tim James

The bordello he chose was top-grade,
The amenities worth all he paid.
There was wi-fi for free,
Comfy bed, big TV,
And free cookies and cake, all ho-made.

Fred Bortz:

She was known for a role that she played,
A whip-cracking, dominant maid
Whose hard leather crop
Was not merely a prop
When the time came for her to be paid.

Konrad Schwoerke:

I expected a pro, not a maid.
“Lemme in if you wanna get laid.
This hotel is so snobby
Must sneak through the lobby—
That and you are just tricks of the trade.”

Sue Dulley:

A tragic mistake some have made
Is to enter a parking parkade
With no money or card
Which makes exiting hard –
You’re locked in by the guard ’til you’ve paid.

Brian Allgar, for his limerick entitled “An Immaculate Explanation”

Though pregnant, she tried to persuade
Her old husband she’d never been laid.
Many people believed
That a virgin conceived,
And thus a religion was made.

Sharon Neeman:

“Stay the night,” said the rake to the maid,
And, against her best judgment, she stayed.
“I won’t touch you,” he said —
But she woke in his bed,
Not only dis-maid, but betrayed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INTELLIGENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

There once was a fellow named Art
Whose IQ score was way off the chart.
After months watching Fox
Spew its stuff on the box
He’s a house plant — but not quite as smart.

Jesse Levy:

Does intelligence live in D.C.?
Well, no, not according to me.
The Prez is a putz,
And it’s driving me nuts
That he gets all his “facts” from TV!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (275)

Saturday, April 15th, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a ERROL NIMBLY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

At noon, if you see us drift by,
In my hot air balloon on the fly,
I’ll be serving a luncheon.
It’s quiche we’ll be munchin’.
We’re eating a pie in the sky.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special Clumsiness-Themed Limerick Award for this PAIR of funny limericks. Please note that this is a 2-in-1 limerick. One limerick is centered and in bold, and the other is in italics, half to the left and half to the right of his bold-faced limerick.

You idiot! WatchI’m a klutz. But I’m truly contrite, where you’re going!
I believe an apoSo I’ll hide on this Limerick site.logy’s owing,
You oaf. You’ve Since the writers are agile, reversed
Into where I verAnd nothing here’s fragilesed first…
Now this limeriI can’t damage anything — right?ck’s wrecked, and needs towing.

Congratulations to JESSE FRANKOVICH, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this “acrostic” limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Kicked a table and let out a yell;
Lost my balance and awkwardly fell.
Unaware it was there,
Thumped my head on a chair.
Zapped myself with a taser, as well!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Suzanne Heymann, Kathleen Bartoletti, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Jeanine Silverio, Jesse Frankovich, Fred Bortz, Konrad Schwoerke, Tim James, David Reddekopp, Sharon Neeman, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Ives. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO CLUMSINESS LIMERICKS)

Suzanne Heymann:

If you think you are smooth when you bellow,
Just remember, you really are yellow.
You’re a scared, clumsy guy.
You think ‘tough’ gets you by.
You’re a bull-in-a-china-shop fellow!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Buy/Bye/By/Bi” RHYME DIVISION)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

He said crossly, “My throat’s going dry,
Come on, Kathy, it’s your turn to buy;”
But while quaffing his Bud
He fell down in the mud,
So I toasted, “Here’s mud in your eye!”

Brian Allgar:

They sneered when I said I would buy
A fat pig, and then teach it to fly.
“Are you crazy?” they laughed,
“Pigs with wings? Are you daft?”
I pointed to Trump, flying high.

Marty Gerendasy:

There was a young lady named Vi
Who was proudly and openly bi.
So she wasn’t upset
When the man that she met
Confessed that he wasn’t a guy.

Jeanine Silverio:

She said with a sad heartfelt sigh:
“I just have to ask ‘Are you bi?’”
I took in those lips
And incredible hips
And I told her, “You’ve just turned me ‘try.’”

Jesse Frankovich:

When the love of my life said goodbye,
For a while I did little but cry.
Then I longed for a do
With a new style and hue—
I just wanted to curl up and dye.

Fred Bortz:

He’ll sleep with a gal or a guy,
And he’ll pay to escape when they try
His case in the court,
Saying “Judge, be a sport.
Let this guy who is bi buy a bye.”

Tim James, for his A Christian’s Lament:

I think that I’ll now say goodbye
To my boss, who’s a miserable guy.
All my colleagues at work
Said “Shove off!” to this jerk.
And the name of the dude? William Bligh.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (CLUMSINESS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

An airline showed clumsy PR.
And their customer service? Bizarre.
If you’re not in first class,
They just might kick your ass.
If you’re not into pain, go by car.

Konrad Schwoerke:

There once was a charmer named Ed
Who could get any babe into bed.
Was he accident-prone
With these chicks he would bone?
’Cause I heard he kept knocking ’em dead.

David Reddekopp:

There once was a man from Dubai
Who gave Kama Sutra a try.
With creative coitions
And parlous positions,
He managed to poke out an eye.

Sharon Neeman:

My very first date was a klutz!
He would fidget and fumble and futz,
And while walking and joking
Where people were smoking,
He’d always bump into their butts.

Will T. Laughlin:

He was awkward, and trembled with fear
As he tried to unhook her brassiere.
Soon her straps got so mangled
And twisted and tangled
They’d baffle a trained engineer.

He wrestled and pulled, but his fits
Just further entangled his mitts.
So she fought him, and struck him…
But though she’s unstuck him,
I fear he’s rotated her tits.

Byron Ives:

Of her dressmaking skills she had doubt.
“I sew like an oaf!” she would pout.
Her hubby said, “Chill,
It’s a cheap piece of twill,
And nothing worth hemming about.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (257)

Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny, musical limerick:

Five fishermen lived hereabout,
But their talents were somewhat in doubt.
Though five lines they would spin,
Just one fish was reeled in.
This quintet became known as “The Trout.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Allergy-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She was to be one of the “perks”
At the office where Roger Ailes works.
But started to sneeze
As he fondled her knees;
Turns out, she’s allergic to jerks.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Will T. Laughlin, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOUT/ABOUT” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Some things are exact, not “about.”
They are what they are, without doubt.
A worm’s not a snake,
A cookie’s no cake,
And a salmon’s not “almost” a trout.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

It appears that the captain is out
Of the closet without any doubt.
From up high in the rigging
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy, coming about.

Will T. Laughlin, for his “AND IN THIS CORNER, KID IONESCO!”

In the very first round of the bout,
The Kid knocked the champion out.
But they stopped him, they did,
When they noticed the Kid
Had four legs, and a horn on his snout.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A turtledove flying about
Was afraid that his luck had run out
When he noticed one day
A hawk headed his way;
He was quickly relieved of all doubt.

Robert Schechter:

You don’t know what you’re talking about?
No problem. Just act like a lout.
Refuting your betters,
Use CAPITAL LETTERS,
THE FACEBOOK-APPROVED WAY TO SHOUT!

Ken Gosse:

His dyslexia sometimes came out
When the Drill Sergeant started to shout,
But he knew how to cope:
He could walk that tightrope,
Though they grinned when he yelled, “Face About!”

Suzanne Heymann:

If you don’t know what life’s all about
Don’t worry, relax, just chill out.
Live life fully and know
When it’s your turn to go
You’ll no longer be living in doubt.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ALLERGY-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

I’m allergic to most politicians
With their multiple bullshit positions.
And although I’m not sneezing,
I’m certainly wheezing;
I’m sick of their toxic emissions.

Brian Allgar:

As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em,”
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”

Diane Groothuis:

Now mustard’s my bête noire, by God.
My reaction is terribly odd.
With rashes and hives,
My blood pressure dives,
And I give old St Peter the nod.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

There’s a trick-turning floozy, long fallen,
Who’s bothered, in springtime, by pollen.
Along with her sneezes,
Come vaginal squeezes–
“God bless you!” her clients keep callin’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (253)

Saturday, May 28th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

My gal’s faithful and true and won’t stray
And she’s there at the end of the day
With a warm, loving kiss.
In addition to this,
She can sit, fetch, roll over and stay.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCIENCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The scientist wrote many theses
On cloning unusual species.
What challenged the most
Was the right-wing talk host;
For that one, you’d have to use feces.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Fred Bortz, Ian Graham, Brian Allgar, Daniel Ari, Marty Gerendasy, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“STAY” RHYME DIVISION)

Randy Wagner:

When that plucky Miss Muffet would stay
On the tuffet, the spider would say,
“If you choose to remain,
Let me clearly explain:
Spiders bite! Go ahead, make my day.”

Fred Bortz:

A “fabulous” drag queen would say,
“My very large organ must stay.
It earns me a ten
When I’m bedded by men
Who joyously find that I’m gay.”

Ian Graham:

Though straitlaced, she said, “Well, OK.
“We’ll play – once I’ve loosened my stay.”
Said he in a daze:
“I suppose you mean ‘stays’?”
She said, “No, just the one for today.”

Brian Allgar:

He invited the bimbo to stay
For the night. She replied “Well, okay;
But I need to be sure
You don’t think I’m a whore.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, “I won’t pay.”

Daniel Ari:

A couple who lived by the bay
Engaged in some furry role play.
Said the girl to her chum,
“You won’t hear me say ‘come,’
’Til you’ve learned to roll over and stay.”

Marty Gerendasy:

She begged of me, “Don’t go away,
’Cause I really would like you to stay.”
What followed was pleasure
That’s too great to measure,
And for once I did not have to pay.

Tim James:

She had wanted the farmhand to stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay.
Then she cringed in disgust:
He was covered in dust.
It’s a truism: grime doesn’t pay.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly

When the farmhand suggested she stay
In the barn for a roll in the hay,
She said, “Sit on my stool
And I’ll straddle your tool–
I can finish the milking that way.”

Suzanne Heymann:

The roof of his cabriolet
Got stuck on a cold rainy day.
She’d fret, get upset
As her hairdo got wet,
And he just couldn’t get her to stay.

A convertible’s only okay
If the sun in the sky’s on display.
But if snow, rain or ice
Comes, then take my advice;
Get her flowers and nice lingerie.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCIENCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

“Evolution is fact!” said the right.
“Climate science? We’ve now seen the light!”
After that, Heidi Klum
Showed up, nude, in my room.
‘Twas one hell of a dream Friday night.

Brian Allgar:

Creationists place great reliance
On bibles, and little on science.
As they slurp countless beers,
They say “Six thousand years
Is the world’s age!” with drunken defiance.

Fred Bortz:

The physicists had a huge spat
In their quantum entanglement chat.
One delivered this lesson:
“If you are caught messin’,
You’ll end up like Schrödinger’s cat.”

Then Heisenberg entered the fray.
“I’m uncertain it’s true what you say.
You have no compunction
To use your wave function.
My matrices carry the day.”

Was one of them on the right track?
I admit I was taken aback
When Pauli was puzzled
And both men were muzzled.
He said, “We must query Dirac.”

“Let’s add Relativity here,”
The Englishman said to a cheer.
But his math raised a clatter.
“What is this? Antimatter?
Outlandish, and yet it is clear.”

The squabbling continues today.
Quantum weirdness is true. It must stay.
The results provide traction.
That famed “spooky action”
That Einstein decried won’t go ’way.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (240)

Sunday, November 29th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

For church, we’ve got no time to spend,
And the sermons we don’t comprehend,
So I set up a dummy
Of me and my mummy.
We tend to pretend we attend.

Congratulations to Judith H. Block on her Facebook Friends’ Choice Award:

This Thanksgiving we need to intend
To be kind and to try to transcend
Misconceptions and fears.
We’ve all shed enough tears.
The world needs more love, in the end.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ailsa McKillop, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, and Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ailsa McKillop:

So you know when you plain overspend
On some Blahniks, egged on by your friend?
Hubby asks you the price
And without thinking twice
You halve it. That’s right, gals pretend!

Kirk Miller:

The tornado book follows a trend
Of suspense books that oftentimes tend
To give a surprise.
If readers are wise,
They’ll expect there’s a twist at the end.

Tim James:

Ladies, THIS is important. Attend:
There’s this guy, all laid up, on the mend,
While sweet, innocent Jean
(In the ways of love, green)
Says, “Good heavens! I thought it could bend!”

Brian Allgar:

They keep sending me ads to extend
The size of a lecher’s best friend,
So I trash it – no dice!
If I took their advice,
I’d be just a big prick in the end.

Fred Bortz:

I was warmly invited to spend
Some time to inter my good friend.
But it seems I was cursed,
And, alas, I died first.
So I sent my regrets: “Can’t attend.”

Dave Johnson:

Her lover won’t even defend
His failure to stretch and extend
Their moment of bliss
Beyond only this:
“OH YES!” He rolls over. The end.

Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller:

I have an effeminate friend.
Local NFL games we attend,
Though he’s not into sports.
It’s because he cavorts
With a certain young rookie tight end.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (237)

Sunday, November 1st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the headlights of cars, something showed.
It was just up ahead, so I slowed.
Saw a pie in the street
That I wanted to eat,
So I looked for a fork in the road.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

She was looking for sex on the road.
He was just a bit strange, and it showed.
So just why did he lick
Ice cream off of this chick?
He prefers all his tarts a la mode.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose

Said Dad, at the wheel on the road:
“If you kids have to use the commode,
Since we ain’t near a rest
It would be for the best
If you opened the door while I slowed.”

Brian Allgar:

The beta test went on the road
For their app: ‘Win A Prince, Kiss The Toad.’
But no prince came; instead,
Roaches bit off her head.
They suspect there are bugs in the code.

Will T. Laughlin:

Religious observance is owed
Where the poultry truck buckled and bowed.
Her companions are splats
On the highway, and that’s
Why the Chicken was Crossing the Road.

Errol Nimbly a/k/a Byron Miller

Paid a doxy just what she was owed,
Then at sea, in my dinghy, got blowed;
But the mutinous whore
Swam away with an oar,
Which explains why, in circles, I rowed.

Dave Johnson:

When Lady Godiva bestowed
Her charms on the town where she rode,
They noticed a rise
In amorous guys;
Along with the seeds that they sowed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (224)

Saturday, August 1st, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

I was dating three sisters named Boone;
Young April was cold: “It’s too soon,”
And May, though quite hot,
Told me “No, you may not,”
But the good times were coming in June.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Will T. Laughlin, Pedro Poitevin, David Reddekopp, Daisy Mae Simon, Phil Graham, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

In a penthouse suite down in Cancun,
Lives a slovenly mobster each June.
All you tourists should know
That the world down below
Is his 24/7 spittoon.

Tim James:

A scribe and his editor, June,
Did the nasty, one fine afternoon.
She had gotten quite pissed
With the deadlines he’d missed;
But this ONE time, he finished too soon.

Will T. Laughlin:

Go ahead, Tin Pan Alley, and croon
A tune in which “moon” rhymes with “June”.
Sing of stealing a kiss
From a lissome young miss –
Just don’t sing it to me. I’m immune.

Pedro Poitevin:

I’m shagging a young picaroon
Who loves to show off his harpoon.
He’s too quick with the trigger
And lacking in vigor,
But he arrrs when I whisper “jejune.”

David Reddekopp:

The timing is quite opportune
For an off-color rhyme that’s jejune.
A short penis joke will
Always get a cheap thrill,
But the verse, like my dick, ends too soon.

Daisy Mae Simon:

When he’d walk in from work, he’d call, “June!”
Dressed in pearls and her apron, they’d ‘spoon.’
When her batter he’d lick
She’d get lightheaded quick,
But when Ward asked for Beaver, she’d swoon.

Phil Graham:

A menage à trois started at noon.
The lone man got surprised fairly soon;
With all three going strong,
He thought something was wrong
When May didn’t come before June.

Fred Bortz:

She delivered her baby in June,
Six months past the wedding — too soon —
The result of some merriment —
Condom experiment —
’Twas only a trial balloon.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (219)

Saturday, June 27th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Astronomers once had the gall
To proclaim, “The world’s round, like a ball.”
But soon findings empirical
Proved it non-spherical;
Slightly deflating them all.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, Brian Allgar, Will T. Laughlin, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Dave Johnson, Jon Gearhart, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

The cannibals started a brawl
Over who got what portion of Paul.
They battled for dibs
On the meatiest ribs,
While the chieftain was having a ball.

Kirk Miller:

When making some holes rather small,
A leather punch started to bawl.
“We’re stuck in this job,”
It said with a sob,
“And that is the fate of us awl.”

Brian Allgar:

She was wearing a costly mink shawl,
And the bimbo explained to them all:
“It’s a gift from a guy
Who just wanted to cry,
Cuz he said to me, “Baby, let’s bawl.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Oh, please don’t disturb Doctor Hall.
Cutting gonads in slices so small
May yet give the answer
To testicle cancer,
And right now, he’s halving a ball.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

When Sally slipped down in a fall
She really had reason to bawl.
But balling for Sally
Is right up her alley
For Sally has no shame at all.

Dave Johnson:

Scalia and Thomas will bawl
“This week has been no fun at all.
Our cadre of five
Did no longer strive
To answer the G.O.P.’s call.”

Jon Gearhart:

Found her name in a men’s bathroom stall
And decided I’d give her a call,
But I feel quite misled
By these words that I read:
“Call Caitlyn and you’ll have a ball!”

Allen Wilcox:
A WEEK OF BALLS, WITH REFRAIN

We’re having a civil rights ball.
The Confederate flag has to fall.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

And then? – the Obamacare ball
With Roberts explaining it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

And then? – well, the gay marriage ball
With Kennedy telling it all.
There is much more to do
Before we are through.
How many will answer the call?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (202)

Saturday, February 14th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“Can you tell me,” the funnyman quips
(A self-satisfied smirk on his lips,
And with giggles a-boil),
“Why the moon’s like a mohel?
’Cause ’e goes to your son, and ’e clips!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Scott Crowder, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Brian Allgar:

The plumber used solder and clips,
And wrenches and pliers and grips.
He made quite a racket,
And charged me a packet,
But STILL that confounded tap drips.

Tim James:

Her co-workers suck: They eclipse
Bright ideas from anyone’s lips.
A collection of hacks!
Like a bowl full of snacks,
This poor gal is surrounded by dips.

Byron Miller:

Mid-movie she gets up and skips
To the snack bar for chocolaty chips.
As she passes the screen
She then adds to the scene
The effect of a lunar eclipse.

Brian Allgar:

The gambler has run out of chips,
And his bill-folds are just empty clips.
“Can I wager with sex?
She’s as stacked as your decks,
And you’re welcome to poker,” he quips.

Scott Crowder:

She slowly removes her hair clips
And sensuously gyrates and strips,
Yet causes him worry;
If she doesn’t hurry,
He’ll finish before he unzips.

Will T. Laughlin:

The thrills of Las Vegas eclipse
Good sense and economy. Trips
For a Teachers’ Convention
Too often to mention
Turn into “Goodbye, Mr. Chips.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (196)

Saturday, January 3rd, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

There’s a cop with a dog that is mine
At my door, which could be a bad sign.
“By the roadside,” he said,
“Dog gave birth.” Why my dread?
I’ll be getting a littering fine.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jon Gearhart, Colleen Murphy, Sue Dulley, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Allen Wilcox, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jon Gearhart:

This new hot, kinky girlfriend of mine
Has a fetish for feet, which is fine.
She likes squatting on toes,
And you’re right to suppose
That for her I’ll be toeing the line.

Colleen Murphy:

A well-to-do uncle of mine
Still active at aged ninety-nine
Finds women adore him;
For dates they implore him,
Allured by his big dollar sign.

Sue Dulley:

The depths of my psyche I’ll mine;
I’ll even resort to red wine
To dredge up a verse,
Be it florid or terse,
With an actual rhyme in each line.

Jon Gearhart:

If I had a big diamond mine,
I’d make your life truly divine.
If our love life went daft,
I’d get stuck with the shaft,
But my rocks would remain wholly thine.

Byron Miller:

“My diction’s just fine, in the mine,”
Thought Eliza, repeating her line:
“Dr. Iggins’ all weht,
And I’ll mike you a beht
That it doh even rine up in Spine.”

Allen Wilcox:

“I play football. My future is mine.
My knowledge of logic is fine.
I now will give voice
To my difficult choice;
I’ll either resign or re-sign.”

Tim James:

At times, sweet indulgence is mine;
With a French gal I get to entwine.
It’s always a pleasure,
No matter the measure.
(In metric, it’s still sixty-nine.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (186)

Saturday, October 25th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

By a grizzled old pig, I was gored.
As I waited for succor, I roared.
It was not the damned pain,
But emotional strain,
‘Cause I really do hate being bored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Colleen Murphy, Tim James, Christopher Finch Reynolds, Brian Allgar, Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Kevin Ahern. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Colleen Murphy:

The gambler went out of his gourd
When the guy from the other team scored.
He had wagered his spouse,
Plus his truck and his house.
What on earth would he do with no Ford?

Tim James:

A woman went out of her gourd
As her paramour noisily snored.
After sex, though, she found
That he made not a sound,
So each night ever after he scored.

Christopher Finch Reynolds:

A versatile fruit is the gourd:
It’s a pot in which liquid is stored,
While in China the sages
Kept crickets in cages,
As gourd music, when stringed, struck a chord.

Brian Allgar:

The candidate ended “Al Gore’d”;
In the popular vote, he’d outscored,
But a few dimpled chads
Fixed by Jeb and his lads
Meant that Dubbya got the reward.

Robert Schechter:

I went to Pamplona, was gored,
Then trampled beneath a great horde,
But no, I’m not whining.
There’s this silver lining:
For once I can’t say I was bored.

Byron Miller:

On our quest for the ultimate gourd,
We went driving upstate in our Ford;
Where we wandered like bumpkins
Through fields of ripe pumpkins;
Our children’s delight, the reward.

Kevin Ahern:

Norwegians bored out of their gourd
Seek vacations to provide them reward,
So everyone chooses
To go out on cruises.
It’s something they all can a fjord.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (182)

Saturday, September 27th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The comic made jokes that were lame.
“I’ll tell you why Caesar’s my name:
I was set in a whirl
By this beautiful girl —
I saw her, I conquered, I came.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Jon Gearhart, Brendan Powers, Fred Bortz, Kirk Miller, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

Mother’s sister is just a bit lame,
But she has quite a powerful frame.
She encountered a mugger
And laid out the bugger.
Since then she’s been called “Auntie Maim.”

Byron Miller:

If while hunting, you leave your prey lame,
Please don’t make it your new claim to fame.
It’s not cool when you brag
About wounding a stag…
Unless aiming to maim is your game.

Jon Gearhart:

Do you want to know what I think’s lame?
I’m sick of our Congress’s game.
Are political folk
In all countries a joke?
I’ll bet Poland has more of the Sejm.

Brendan Powers:

My boss, he tells jokes that are lame.
“You’re so funny!” I falsely proclaim.
That’s the way it must go
Until I’m CEO
And can give him a dose of the same!

Fred Bortz:

Brigitte’s lingerie isn’t lame,
But that’s what her posts oft proclaim.
I declare here today
That she’s hot in lamé.
It’s the “accent aigu” that’s to blame!

Kirk Miller:

My TV has a setting that’s lame.
It’s a shame they mislabeled the name.
I set “brightness” to “max”
And then gave a few whacks,
But intelligence stayed just the same.

Tim James:

A fellow, incredibly lame,
Cried in rapturous joy when he came:
“I love you, Liz, madly!”
It ended quite badly
’Cause Elizabeth wasn’t her name.

Sue Dulley:

The earliest lim’ricks were lame:
“There once was a man (insert name)
Who did (such-and-such,
Not amounting to much)…”
And line 5 as line 1 was the same.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (177)

Saturday, August 16th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

James Bond found his bride to be cold,
An ice queen to have and to hold.
She would hector and nag,
So he ditched her, the hag.
He’s the spy who came in from the scold.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

My girl-friend complained of the cold
(“Solar heating” – that crap I’d been sold!)
But although it was snowing,
I soon got her glowing
By time-honored methods of old.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jason Talbott, Brian Allgar, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jason Talbott:

It is getting a little bit cold.
Uncomfortably so, truth be told.
The consignment shop coat
Keeps me warm waist to throat,
But I sure miss my pants (which I sold.)

Brian Allgar:

Her feet were so bitterly cold
In midwinter; she found when she strolled
That the snow hurt her toes.
Well, no wonder they froze,
For the shoes that she’d bought were not soled.

Byron Miller:

“Wrap your scarf so you don’t catch a cold.”
Every year, by my wife, I’m retold.
Though I’ve tried to tell Iris
Colds come from a virus,
For her, this just never gets old.

Jon Gearhart:

My wife can be wickedly cold,
Domineering, and strikingly bold,
But she doesn’t scare me
Cause I’m totally free
To always do just what I’m told!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (173)

Saturday, July 19th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SCOTT CROWDER, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman was perched on the floor.
She threw down her sponge and she swore
And yelled at her gent:
“That is not what I meant
When I told you to use the back door!”

Congratulations to KEVIN AHERN, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A lady was pacing the floor
Of my favorite gardening store.
She wanted a chance
To talk about plants,
But I’d never seen herbivore.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, Konrad Schwoerke, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, CJ@ProArtz, and Allen Wilcox. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

David McCormick:

The boxer lies flat on the floor.
The referee’s count reaches “FOUR!”
Pirouetting, he then
Begins counting again…
(He once ran a ballet dance corps.)

Konrad Schwoerke:

I was showing my moves on the floor.
This chick cheered, so I knew I could score.
Then we walked to the car
Where I said, “Here we are.”
But my mom wouldn’t open the door.

Byron Miller:

I’ve got babies all over the floor.
They turn up at my door more and more.
I may soon blow a gasket —
Each day brings a basket
That’s tagged “Made in El Salvador”.

CJ@ProArtz:

Dora screwed the old salts on the floor.
Scrubbing up wasn’t much of a chore.
When they rolled from on top
She retrieved a wet mop
To push seamen right out the back door.

Allen Wilcox:

The Speaker demanded the floor,
Grabbed the mike and then let out a roar:
“The POTUS is lazy.
He’s driving me crazy.
Now back to my nap – let me snore.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (157)

Saturday, March 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

In the convent, once matins are done,
Comes the time before terce is begun.
That’s when Scrabble is played,
‘Cause the abbess has made
Entertainment a sine qua nun.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The fragrance of Spring fills the air!
Birds sing, and the weather is fair;
The sky’s a bright blue
Of a dazzling hue,
And I’m frankly too busy to care.

From their beds the first crocuses climb,
And the early narcissus. While I’m
All alone in the gloom
Of my dimly-lit room
As I make these “Spring” limericks rhyme.

Congratulations to Robert Basler, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow cried, “What have I done!
“I’ve been having hot sex with a nun!
“Yes, I got in the habit —
“Oh my God, oh dagnabbit!
“My sin’s been confessed as a pun!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Joel Wasinger, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Brian Allgar, Jon Gearhart, Will T. Laughlin, and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

A gal got a bit overdone
When she lounged in the buff in the sun.
It imparted a glow
(Please don’t ask how I know)
To the tats on each well-toasted bun.

Joel Wasinger:

“These lim’ricks already cite Donne;
They’ve taken my angle and fun.”
My wife says, “Who cares?
Just add yours to theirs.
‘OverDonne’ is a workable pun.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

The big cowboy’s fly was undone.
She thought that she might have some fun.
She wiggled her hips,
Then moistened her lips,
But all that stuck out was his gun.

Brian Allgar:

She protested “My fish isn’t done,
And I’m cold at this table for one.”
Removing her flounder,
The waiter soon found her
An excellent plaice in the sun.

Jon Gearhart:

A woman was feeling undone,
Alone as a party of one.
She tried PC Date
To help find a mate.
Her ‘inbox’ is now overrun.

Will T. Laughlin:

It’s Spring! Let the greenery grow!
And the blossoms, in colorful show,
Explode into flowers!
Because in twelve hours
They’re going to be buried in snow.

Brian Allgar:

“In Springtime”, the naturalist boasted,
“There’s many a field trip I’ve hosted.
We love, as we ramble,
To see the lambs gambol,
And love them still more when they’re roasted.”

Tim James:

It’s cold, and the skies are all gray
And the forecast says sleet’s on the way.
My spirits are sinking;
I think I’ll start drinking
And wait for when Spring starts, in May.

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

Here I romp with my love twixt the heather
With my kilt hiked up high in spring weather.
Neath sun-swirled highland mist
On warm moss, by dew kissed,
We’re exploring those regions called nether.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (149)

Sunday, January 26th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A bibbed patron sat eating deep-fried;
Battered chicken was piled high and wide.
I said, “Gawd, are you big,
You Falstaffian pig!”
(My remark was, of course, an aside.)

Congratulations to Scott Crowder and Craig Dykstra, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Scott Crowder:

A man who liked food that was fried,
In time became so thick and wide,
That according to lore,
When he went to the shore,
He would have an effect on the tide.

Craig Dykstra:

This new gal gets my head kinda fried.
Every time I want sex, I’m denied!
You would think it would suck
That she don’t like to … you know …
But she’ll happily swallow my pride.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Yt cai, Jesse Levy, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

In my youth I’d eat anything fried;
It’s disgusting, the stuff that I tried.
Cookies, Twinkies, and dough
Mixed with cola … God no…
Those are mem’ries I’ve tried to elide.

Yt cai:

A seamstress’s nerves were all fried
From dealing with one kinky bride.
She finished the dress
Under utmost duress
As the patron was fit to be tied.

Jesse Levy:

A fellow was totally fried.
He jumped off a building’s top side.
But he was still tripping
Through gravity’s gripping.
His last words were: “Look, Ma. I flied!”

Jon Gearhart (whose limerick is an acrostic):

A woman shunned food that was fried
Precisely because she has tried
Reducing the rise
In her increasing size.
Look left and her name I’ve supplied.

Tim James:

Those White Castle burgers are fried
‘Til the grease is all soaked through inside.
Those “sliders” incense me.
Good taste, though, prevents me
From saying just where ’tis they slide.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (148)

Sunday, January 19th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bob Dvorak, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was warned in advance
That she’d had every guy wearing pants.
“Sounds like my kind of quest,
This Community Chest.”
He got dressed, leaving nothing to Chance.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An author’s substantial advance
For a book on carnivorous plants
Alas led him to doom
When consumed by a bloom.
All they found was a shoe and his pants.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kevin Ahern, Steve Whitred, Craig Dykstra, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Sallie McKenna, Jamie Hutchinson, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Kevin Ahern:

In Eden the way to advance
Was surely not just happenstance.
For Adam, his brief
Was a tiny fig leaf.
The man of the house wore the plants.

Steve Whitred:

Her sensual, sultry advance
And her walk, which was more like a dance,
The soft light on her hair
All gave wings to my care
That a package was there in her pants.

Craig Dykstra:

Vegetarians learn in advance
All those “don’t eat the animals” rants.
But I don’t avoid meat
‘Cause I like things with feet –
No, it’s just that I LOVE killing plants!

Byron Miller:

I rebuffed a flirtatious advance
From a wraith at a séance in France.
I could see through her clearly:
She did not love me dearly–
We hadn’t a ghost of a chance.

Sallie McKenna:

A fellow was warned in advance
To be sober when placing his plants;
He ignored what they said,
Then when sodding his bed,
Face-planted, his balance askance.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A waltzer turned down the advance
Of a fellow in tight-fitting pants:
“The place is so packed,”
She observed with great tact,
“We don’t have enough ballroom to dance.”

Tim James:

A gal lost a tidy advance
From some monks at an abbey in France
To compose something choral.
She couldn’t. The moral:
Don’t compete when you know you’ve no chants.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!