Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to POULTRY, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best POULTRY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on March 10, 2019 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, March 9, 2019 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

I’m in pain, so I need you to knead
All my muscles. Then get me some weed.
I was kneed in the back
By some guy at the track,
And it feels like I fell off a steed.

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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153 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: NEED OR KNEAD OR KNEED at the end of any one line”

  1. Ken Gosse says:

    The Trickle of Their Treacle ~
    Even if the affluent succeed,
    Their trickle-down won’t meet our need.
    They’ve tinkled for eons—
    That’s why we’re called pee-ons—
    And yet, we still lack bread and mead.

  2. Fred Bortz says:

    My Prof warned, “There’s one thing you need
    In order to be PhDed.
    Your thesis committee
    Must grill without pity.
    It’s time that you be third-degreed.”

  3. Kirk Miller says:

    Writing limericks makes me take heed
    To watch cadence and meter indeed.
    When the rhythm’s a mess,
    What’s the answer? I guess
    That a meter maid’s just what I need.

  4. Kirk Miller says:

    He gave scullers a recommendation
    That they ought to use synchronization
    To improve their boat’s speed
    Because what rowers need
    Is a lot of co-oar-dination.

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    poultry

    My turkey’s a really dumb fowl
    So dense, that I’ve thrown in the towel
    Tried to teach him to spell
    But this bird couldn’t tell
    A consonant from a darn vowel

  6. John Shardlow says:

    Is Mueller giving justice a boost
    With more witnesses being produced
    Turncoats having their saying
    Golden goose is not laying
    Have his chickens come home to their roost?

  7. Tim James says:

    Speedy Pizza will meet ev’ry need
    When the munchies arise after weed.
    We deliver! No stress:
    Thirty minutes or less.
    We smoke all the rest, guaranteed.

  8. Lisi Nortman says:

    My first husband was handsome indeed
    The second: the “best of the breed”
    But now that I’m old
    I feel free and so bold
    Getting hitched I most surely don’t need

  9. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Baking Class 101”

    I don’t want to act highfalutin
    But watch how I bake; don’t start hootin’
    This dough I won’t knead
    And you’ll notice indeed:
    There’s more than one way to make gluten.

  10. Lisi Nortman says:

    Replacement’s a cinch. Yes indeed!
    2 new hips I received with great speed
    But I’m falling apart
    And that’s only the start
    Cause next Tuesday, I’m gonna’ get kneed

  11. Judith H. Block says:

    Have pity on this poor gal in need!
    I ask you, kind sir; no, I plead:
    I SO need a hug,
    My reason? I shrug.
    But you’re rather hot, I concede.

  12. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our dinner smelled great (yes indeed)
    “Delicious Baked Bread Guaranteed”
    But then at first bite
    Those darn rolls weren’t light
    Problem was that they needed a knead.

  13. Dave Johnson says:

    A baker’s assistant must heed
    Instructions to get up to speed.
    Now here’s my advice:
    Be direct and concise;
    Then give them the dough that they knead.

  14. John Shardlow says:

    The girls of today, a new breed
    Not shy to say what they need
    Please try understanding
    Just what she’s demanding
    Which part of her body to knead

  15. Judith H. Block says:

    Edited-
    You ask why the chicken crossed the road-
    For food; perhaps a swell, new abode?
    To find more amours?
    What business of yours?
    The rationale, you’re surely not owed.

  16. John Shardlow says:

    Frustrated, thwarted and stricken,
    Prevented from stickin’ your dick in?
    Discard those taboos
    Just try self abuse
    Otherwise, chokin’ the chicken

  17. Victor Hood says:

    She said to me, “I’m in great need
    Of a hefty dose of some speed
    My body is yours
    To get into my drawers
    The deal is the speed for the deed.

  18. Judith H. Block says:

    We’ve a turkey in the White House, alas.

    A bully chicken-hawk, lacking all class.
    In case you haven’t looked,
    Our goose is quite cooked,
    He’s a quack with huge balls of solid brass.

  19. Eilene Glasgow says:

    A ballerina most knock – kneed,
    To her mad ballet mistress did plead,
    “Do not fret, madam, please,
    ” O’er the state of my knees,
    “I just need a quick knock-kneed knead.”

  20. Lisi Nortman says:

    poultry

    I had a dear friend, name of “Stella”
    Who yearned for this real handsome fella
    She cooked him a pheasant
    It wasn’t so pleasant
    The next day he got Salmonella

  21. Judith H. Block says:

    I take clay, then I pound hard and I knead.
    “Air bubbles, OUT!”, I desperately plead.
    Then I make my creation,
    And give a libation!
    A kiln explosion is not what I need.

  22. Gary Hallock says:

    In winter I get lots of stares
    From unusual clothing I wears
    To stave off cold weathers
    My coat is hen feathers
    Mom told me I should dress in layers

    Gary Hallock

  23. Tim James says:

    The detective, his face in a scowl,
    At the murder scene let out a growl:
    “These dead turkeys and chickens ―
    The sight of them sickens!
    Indeed, this is murder most fowl!”

  24. P Diane Schneider says:

    The Investigation Report
    Dear Mueller, this is what we need:
    So tell us just who did the deed.
    We can’t hardly blink
    Is it who we think?
    (It’s said that The Donald is teed.)

  25. John Shardlow says:

    The Lord said to Onan, “Indeed,
    I’ll slay you for spilling your seed”
    He replied “There’s no waste,
    It’s wallpaper paste,
    It happens when I feel the knead!’

  26. David Friedman says:

    The chicken was mad and it showed
    “I’m old and forgetful,” it crowed
    “Forgotten have I
    The whole reason why
    I crossed this proverbial road.”

  27. Lisi Nortman says:

    poultry

    The turkeys were marching in grief
    They followed the “Thanksgiving Chief”
    All protesting by
    With banners held high
    And each one read, “Humans! Eat Beef!”

  28. Bob Kraft, a man with dark needs
    chose Jupiter to throw his seeds.
    When his friends heard the pitch.
    They said, “Wow! He’s so rich,
    he can go into space to do deeds!”

  29. Doug Harris says:

    My bread-making efforts I plead,
    Are not of the best and indeed,
    It’s not a surprise
    That the *ugger won’t rise,
    But to call, “Use your loaf!”, there’s no knead.

  30. Lisi Nortman says:

    It was truly a lovely surprise!
    The chickens would dive and then rise!
    At the swimming event
    They all seemed content
    And in harmony all swam cluck-wise

  31. Delano Britt says:

    My greatest need I say
    Is to simply get away
    To gently knead and crack
    My sore and aching back
    So I can jump and shout hooray.

  32. Delano Britt says:

    The chickens at the fair
    Are truly beyond compare
    So, so pretty, they should all be named the winner
    And the rest, well the rest should really be my dinner
    So let us all go there to lick our lips and stare

  33. P Diane Schneider says:

    The Schlemiel
    He said that it was not cool
    So would not go to the schul.
    Thought he didn’t need
    To study or read
    But now they call him the fool

  34. P Diane Schneider says:

    I wrote “schul” but the cell switched it to “school” as I submitted it.

    ****
    From Mad:
    I fixed it.

  35. Thomas Vincent says:

    An indigent baker named Reid,
    Made loaves with some illegal weed.
    Sonn the profits did grow,
    He was rolling in dough,
    Not bad for a baker in knead.

  36. John Shardlow says:

    When young men, we all feel the need
    A climax each night, guaranteed
    Now age starts to wither
    The stream turns to river
    Nurse changing the sheets ‘cos I’ve peed

  37. David Friedman says:

    Before Jagger knew he’d succeed
    He made the bread on which he’d feed
    He said, feeling gaunt,
    “I can’t get all I want
    But I always can get what I knead.”

  38. David Friedman says:

    At Sinai a confounded Moses
    Said “God, there’s one question this poses:
    Your laws we will heed
    But why do we need
    To cut off the tips of our hoses?”

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    The chickens so anxiously ducked
    And hurriedly tried to obstruct
    En masse they were fleeing
    In fear that they all might be plucked

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    In “Defense School” the ladies agreed
    That the following rules they must heed:
    “Keep real careful watch
    Go right for the crotch
    And make sure he is properly kneed”

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    acrostic

    Q uietly Chauncy takes heed
    U nder a bush, yet with speed
    A snake he does see
    I n a swamp near a tree
    L onging for edible need

  42. Kat Irving says:

    There once was a rich kid from Queens
    Who inherited cash in his genes.
    He never knew need;
    He only knows greed.
    Now he insults and taunts and demeans.

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: three limericks up, today at 9:30 AM line 4: “That en masse
    they were fleeing” should be “En masse they were fleeing”
    Could you delete “That” for me?
    Thank you, Lisi

    *****
    Done.

  44. Craig says:

    Met a gal with a sexual need
    That I doubt anyone could exceed
    She’ll get one-after-one’d
    She’ll get father-and-son’d
    And she’ll sometimes get two’d and then three’d.

  45. Lisi Nortman says:

    Let’s finally get this one right!!

    The chickens so anxiously ducked
    And hurriedly tried to obstruct
    A bobcat from seeing
    En masse they were fleeing
    In fear that they all might get plucked!

  46. A knight galloped up on his steed
    To rescue a maiden in need
    The horse stepped in a rut
    And he lit on his butt
    Fair damsel laughed “till she peed.

  47. Kat Irving says:

    ‘We need pizzas galore!’ Granny pleaded.
    ‘I can do it!’ my Grandpa conceded.
    At the end of the hour
    He was head to toe flour.
    He’d needed to knead what was needed.

  48. Kat Irving says:

    Trump’s Gut
    I DON’T have to study or read.
    It’s MY INSTINCTS that make me SUCCEED.
    They TELL ME MUCH MORE
    Than your Brain can, for sure.
    MY GUT has the ANSWERS WE NEED.

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    I love my sweet darling Marie
    We’ve been married since June ’63
    Thinks she has no appeal
    But I told her that she’ll
    Always be a spring chicken to me

  50. Lisi Nortman says:

    We went to a pub called “Charade”
    We heard that they boastfully made:
    Chickens real “hot”
    That just “hit the spot”
    Cause their eggs were all blissfully laid

  51. Lisi Nortman says:

    I just seemed to be out of luck
    When my “hubby” requested a duck
    All I found was a hen
    He was furious when
    The dinner I cooked him said “cluck”

  52. Lisi Nortman says:

    “K N E A D”

    K atrina had people to feed
    N ever knowing she couldn’t succeed
    E ach time she pressed flour
    A lump would taste sour
    D ough lessons this lady did need

  53. Lisi Nortman says:

    Made a slight mistake in line 5

    K atrina had people to feed
    N ever knowing she couldn’t succeed
    E ach time she pressed flour
    A lump would taste sour
    D oughs lessons Katrina did need

  54. Kat Irving says:

    The handsome young rooster was loosed
    On the young of the brood. He seduced
    A hen called Matilda.
    The shock nearly killed her!
    His chickens will come home to roost.

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    “RUN FAST! THERE SHE GOES! WE MUST STOP’ER!
    She’s gonna’ do something IMPROP’ER!”
    (Those chickens ran fast
    Didn’t think they would last
    They saw Mrs. Axe with her CHOPP’ER)

  56. Tim Gray says:

    To make the bread I need
    I sift and I mix and I knead.
    I make my dough,
    Not cooked you know,
    By sorting out data at speed.

  57. Tim Gray says:

    I used to say that I’d succeed
    When I got all the stuff that I need.
    But when I got there
    Of that I didn’t care
    As my needs now greatly exceed.

  58. Tim Gray says:

    Why do the rich live with such greed?
    They really have more than they need!
    It seems, that of stuff
    There is more than enough
    And of food there is plenty to feed.

  59. Tim Gray says:

    For vegans…

    My life as a factory hen
    Has been pretty crowded, but then,
    Now I’m ten weeks of age
    I’m let out of my cage,
    But will I ever see it again?

  60. Tim Gray says:

    Cohen on Trump’s modus operandi…

    This demonstrates just how much heed
    You put in your faith, in your creed.
    As you’ll cheat and you’ll lie
    And truth will deny,
    Because money and power is your need.

  61. Tim Gray says:

    One of my favourite and pet peeves
    Is the growth in large SUV’s
    There is no need,
    Shows fear and greed…
    Socially Unacceptable Vehicles please?

  62. Tim Gray says:

    Many people take heed
    And have an insatiable need
    For such flim-flam fluff,
    All that made up stuff,
    That relates to the God in their creed.

  63. Tim Gray says:

    Apologies to Ogden Nash…

    This bird is a hen, not a duck.
    It doesn’t quack, it goes cluck.
    You won’t find them afloat
    On pond, lake or moat,
    And if it lays, you’ll be in luck.

  64. Tim Gray says:

    Donald Trump on the Kim…
    “What I would give to be him.
    He can screw all he likes
    Shoots traitors and dykes
    but sadly he makes me look slim.”

  65. Ken Gosse says:

    Birds of a Feather are Plucked Together ~
    My chickens don’t make a large herd
    (they’re only one more than one bird)
    and their value is paltry
    because they’re both fawltry—
    though fowltry might be the right word.

  66. Tim Gray says:

    Woops, just realised the last one doesn’t contain need, kneed or knead & has nothing to do with poultry though after Cohen, Trump may be one plucked chicken now.

  67. Tim Gray says:

    They say a friend in need
    Is truly a friend indeed,
    But those that I know
    Stole all of my dough,
    And even stole all of my weed.

  68. Brian Allgar says:

    “Pathological liar indeed!”
    Was Cohen’s reply. “But I need
    You to be more precise
    When decrying this vice –
    If you meant Donald Trump, we’re agreed.”

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    They zoomed really fast; didn’t stop
    And totally ruined the crop
    Ducks and geese had to run
    In order to shun
    The surrey with bright fringe on top

  70. Brian Allgar says:

    “I regret what I did”, said the Owl,
    “When I made that poor Pussycat howl.
    But she shouldn’t have kissed
    Me; I couldn’t resist,
    And I did something utterly fowl.”

  71. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m stating my final avowal
    It’s time that I threw in the towel
    This rooster must GO!
    As all of you know
    His language is horribly fowl

  72. Lisi Nortman says:

    acrostic
    K aren said, “I must do what I NEED!”
    N ow I’m aching and starting to bleed!
    E v’ry step that I take
    E nds with pain, then I shake
    D o my nads really hurt? YES INDEED!

  73. Lisi Nortman says:

    A lady who I once seduced
    Said, “Mister, you give me a boost!”
    I used handcuffs and tape
    She charged me with rape
    Then my chickens all came home to roost

  74. Lisi Nortman says:

    The rooster was really in shock
    Cops grabbed him and shoved him in “lock”
    He committed a crime
    Had to serve all his time
    For fighting with one other cock

  75. Lisi Nortman says:

    Those teenagers surely agreed
    That the Beatles did always succeed
    They finally knew
    When the music was through
    That Love Is just All that You Need

  76. Tim James says:

    A guy with a strong carnal need
    Told the girls who showed up for the deed:
    “What I want, I don’t know.
    Let’s just go with the flow.”
    Since the gals were Trump hookers, they peed.

  77. Amazzing says:

    While men say they just want to breed,
    But really want to share their edible seed,
    Fellatio is what they need,
    By far the safest sex indeed,
    You won’t get pregnant – guaranteed.

    For this high school boys promote,
    “This is the safest sex” they quote,
    Older married men express this need,
    But wives refuse to perform the deed,
    Saying that activity give them strep throat.

  78. John Shardlow says:

    Men once wore them whenever they skied
    The golfers, every time that they teed
    Ignore all those mockers
    And buy knickerbockers
    They’re just pants that are more baggy kneed

  79. Lisi Nortman says:

    My chicken, (so sweet) passed away!
    But something was not right that day!
    There was no explanation
    “Bout that strange situation
    It may have just been “fowl play”

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE

    My chicken, (so sweet) passed away
    But something was not right that day
    There was no explanation
    ‘Bout that strange situation
    The policemen suspected “fowl play”

  81. Kirk Miller says:

    From knee pain he wants to be freed.
    A surgeon and he have agreed
    To cut arthroscopic,
    A surgery topic
    That says he’s a person in kneed.

  82. Lisi Nortman says:

    My turkey was acting real jerky
    So much so, I’d say really quirky
    Then I gave him some “joe”
    And what ‘da ya know!
    His jerky and quirky grew perky

  83. Kat Irving says:

    A boy loved a girl who loved reading.
    ‘A limerick’s just what I’m needing!’
    But syllables stressed him.
    He came to detest them.
    His lim’ricks were ’rendous indeeding.

  84. Kat Irving says:

    Last Thanksgiving dinner I ate
    And gobbled and guzzled ’til late.
    I scoffed like a pig.
    ’Til my belly grew big.
    I was stuffed like a turkey. Damn straight!

  85. Brian Allgar says:

    “No grabbing!” she said as she kneed
    Donald Trump in the groin. “You will heed
    What I tell you this way!”
    And for many a day,
    Donald screamed every time that he peed.

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    (double duty)

    In ancient times, chickens agreed
    Castration they sure didn’t need
    The boys ran real fast
    But it just couldn’t last
    And “capons” became a new breed

  87. Lisi Nortman says:

    poultry

    Please come to the grasslands with me!
    The geese are so lovely to see!
    They’re really “go getters”
    They know all their letters
    Cause all of them fly in a “V”

  88. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our Wonderful “Lincoln Park Zoo” Clark St. Chicago, IL

    A fact that is well-known and true
    (We just noticed at Lincoln Park Zoo)
    Is the reason ducks quack
    Cause their verbal skills lack
    An oink and a bark and a moo

  89. Jean McEwen says:

    As a vegan, I follow a creed:
    I shall never eat poultry; indeed,
    Even eggs are taboo
    So I’ve really no clue
    Why those fowl all cry foul when I feed.

  90. Jean McEwen says:

    See these bills in my wallet? I knead
    Them. (I spelled that word wrong? I’ll concede
    That. But still, all I know
    Is that money, like dough,
    Is a “must” for my belly to feed.)

  91. Brian Allgar says:

    Doctor Spooner had verbal bad luck,
    For his tongue all too often get stuck,
    And he gave them a shock
    At the restaurant “Thai Wok” –
    He’d intended to order Fried Duck.

  92. Tim Gray says:

    Poulet

    Curry, roast or broil
    Pan fry or in deep oil
    Stuff in a turkey
    Dry as in jerky
    Or cook wrapped in tin foil.

  93. Tim Gray says:

    Donald was never aware
    He needed his mother to care.
    The love he did need
    Became insatiable greed,
    To feed his inner despair.

  94. Tim Gray says:

    The yogi had gum inflammation
    And booked in for a quick operation.
    He said I won’t bleed,
    And pain killer, no need,
    As I transcend dental medication.

  95. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m getting a feeling of dread
    I simply cannot get ahead
    This dough I can’t knead
    But I have to succeed!
    Cause it’s really just so good in bread!!

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    (better)

    I’m trying to make a “quiche spread”
    Yet I’m getting this feeling of “dread”
    The dough I can’t knead
    But I have to succeed!
    Cause it’s really just so good in bread

  97. Brian Allgar says:

    The Duck is beginning to flail;
    Michael Cohen is making him wail;
    He feels like a goose
    With his head in a noose,
    And the Mueller Report makes him quail.

  98. Brian Allgar says:

    Trumponomics

    “Them tax rebates? Yeah, I agreed,
    And I shafted you, I will concede.
    But them poor CEOs –
    Well, as everyone knows,
    They’re the guys who are really in need.”

  99. John Shardlow says:

    Adair, his fame was widespread
    Explosions, his butter and bread
    Said the New England squires
    “We have no oil fires,
    You’re now in Rhode Island, Red”

  100. Valerie Fish says:

    I wasn’t convinced she was ‘game’
    But I made my pass just the same
    She soon cried ‘fowl’
    Began to howl
    I have only myself to blame

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    Here’s a story about my friend, Ben
    Who visits me time and again
    Last week around town
    He saw eggs that were brown
    Then dreamed of a Rock Cornish Hen

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    Makin’ donuts, now let me proceed
    People love ’em; I always succeed
    Got some flour and yeast
    Sugar, eggs, (what a feast)
    And that’s really all that I’ll knead

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    At holiday time, turkeys wish
    That you’d try a new Thanksgiving dish!
    So after our meeting
    We thought you’d like eating
    A succulent chestnut-filled fish

  104. Lisi Nortman says:

    This version is very appalling
    We heard it and all started bawling
    “Senior Life “Henny Penny”
    Affected us plen’y
    Cause truthfully, we’re really falling

  105. Brian Allgar says:

    I enjoy a nice partridge or pheasant;
    Though small, they are tasty and pleasant.
    But when I am starving,
    I’d rather be carving
    A swan, which I’m eating at present.

  106. Brian Allgar says:

    (Double)

    The Donald is known for his greed;
    In vain did the poor turkey plead
    “Since it’s Thanksgiving Day,
    Send a pardon my way”,
    But he gobbled it all in his need.

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    correction

    At holiday time turkeys wish
    That we’d try a new Thanksgiving dish!
    So after their meeting
    They said we’d like eating
    A succulent chestnut-stuffed fish

  108. P Diane Schneider says:

    “It’s painful,” I hear that you moaned
    And this state has been aptly zoned
    So what you all need
    Is get you some seed
    So “everybody must get stoned.”

  109. Jane Hoffman says:

    The farmer’s head started to droop
    When he saw his hens had blown the coop.
    They were scouring the region
    To find them a vegan
    Who’d feed them and not mind the poop.

  110. P Diane Schneider says:

    Elections are such a great bore
    And losing parties are sore
    So now they fly back
    To give “Him” the sack
    The Raven has spoke: “Nevermore.”

  111. Ken Gosse says:

    I’ve been watching The Avengers (TV series) lately, starting with Season 1 Episode 1, many of which I watched when they first aired in the ’60s.
    It Wasn’t Steed and Mrs. Peel ~
    She fell off a steed that she kneed,
    so both were in great pain indeed.
    Grass softened their fall
    Which just proves overall
    Where there’s smoke there was fire and some seed.

  112. John Shardlow says:

    To eat Vindaloo, it takes pluck
    It’s after, the diarrhoea struck
    Stomach tying in knots,
    Have you still got the trots?
    My poor Indian Runner, Duck!

  113. Lisi Nortman says:

    Geppetto worked real hard indeed
    Creating his puppet with speed
    But he dropped that poor fella
    And broke its patella
    So Pinocchio’s stump got re-kneed

  114. Lisi Nortman says:

    My chicken was glum in her coop
    She was coughing and had a bad croup
    We called Doc Elixir
    He told us to fix’er
    By giving her hot people soup

  115. Lisi Nortman says:

    My wife cried, “We women have rights!”
    (Ev’ry day we have terrible fights!)
    Her cholesterol’s high
    So, at last I did buy
    Her a chicken that lays only whites

  116. Lisi Nortman says:

    (double duty)

    These chickens are really the best!
    And have all passed the famed “Pullet Test”
    They’ve been guaranteed
    To fill the lone need
    For my children who all left the nest

  117. P Diane Schneider says:

    The Investment

    Purchased for a pretty penney
    Now, should I feel like a ninny?
    I sleep like a log
    With my faux “guard dog”
    (Grand ruckus made by the guinea)

  118. Valerie Fish says:

    Forgive me father, I concede
    I have sinned in thought word and deed
    With Sister Theresa,
    She begged me to please her
    The poor girl was in desperate need.

  119. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mama chicken said, “Meet my son Buck!
    And there is my other one, Huck!
    The third’s like his father
    So don’t even bother
    He’s fittingly named The Dumb Cluck”

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    Got a Persian and Maine Coon to feed
    A damn Tabby and Khoa (ev’ry breed!)
    “Hub” came home with a Manx
    I stopped dead and said “Thanks
    Gee Golly, that’s just what I need”

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    The “Dollar Store’s” clean out of luck
    Can’t find any help and they’re stuck!
    So they hired a chicken
    Who’s exceedingly quick ‘an
    Checks everyone out with a “buck”

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    This is a true story. I “Googled’ it to MAKE SURE. (Try it)
    In the fall of 1945 a farmer and his mother-in-law in Colorado were planning to have a chicken dinner. They decided that “Mike” would taste just delicious.
    However:

    Here’s a story about chicken “Mike”
    And I know it is something you’ll like
    His head was cut off
    But he didn’t scoff
    Even though he was struck with a spike

    Well 18 months quickly went by
    And Mikey was still “flyin’high”
    But then harshly provoked
    This bird at last croaked
    And sadly poor Mikey did die

  123. Lisi Nortman says:

    above limerick: I forgot to mention the fact that the farmer’s
    name was Lloyd Olsen !!

  124. Dave Johnson says:

    Along with the dawn’s early glow,
    A rooster is starting to crow.
    After screwing all night
    In the hen house, he might
    Just want everybody to know.

  125. Lisi Nortman says:

    more sensible ending to 2 limericks above: story of Chicken Mike (line 5)

    Well 18 months quickly went by
    And Mikey was still “flyin’ high”
    But then harshly provoked
    This bird at last croaked
    (So sad that poor Mike had to die)

  126. Tim James says:

    I snort Adderall? Those are damned lies!
    All those sniffs are bad sinuses, guys.
    Plus, I DON’T use or need
    Any bennies or speed.
    (I would wink, but I can’t close my eyes.)

  127. Kat Irving says:

    ‘I’m no chicken!’ crowed Rooster to all.
    Head aloft, beak held high, strutting tall.
    Then he slipped and fell. Splat!
    On a sticky cowpat.
    They say pride comes before a great fall.

  128. Kat Irving says:

    A rugged old ranger loved feeding
    The ducks on the black lake, not heeding
    The sign that read ‘Danger’.
    Those ducks ate that ranger
    And none heard his pitiful pleading.

  129. Lisi Nortman says:

    Baking bread takes much skill to succeed
    So remember to buy all you need
    Ev’ry cook should have gauze
    And the reason’s because
    You must punch that damn dough till you bleed.

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    The chicken just rolled and then rocked
    His friends were just totally shocked!
    Didn’t wait for the song
    And just got it all wrong
    He started to dance real half-cocked

  131. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s a farmer in town we all know
    Who is known as “Despicable Joe”
    He coerces his hens
    To decay in foul pens
    And he shoves all his ducks in a row

  132. Dave Johnson says:

    Those billionaires plainly agreed
    That spa was fulfilling a need.
    But then the disgrace:
    Being caught in a place
    While cops were recording the deed.

  133. Dave Johnson says:

    A poultry purveyor named Fran
    Said “I’m in real need of a man.”
    She found a young buck
    Who was eager to…pluck
    Her chickens to fry in a pan.

  134. Tim James says:

    My poultry plant foreman averred
    That I’m worthless. He spat out each word:
    “If that hen you just plucked
    Isn’t spotless, you’re f*#%ed!
    Give it here!” So I flipped him the bird.

  135. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Las Vegas”

    A dollar is all that you need
    To play “Twenty One” and succeed
    But then you will lose
    Walk away! Just refuse!
    Cause nothing can satisfy greed

  136. Lisi Nortman says:

    Or Another Way Of Looking At It In Las Vegas

    A dollar is all that you need
    To play “Twenty One” and succeed
    And then when you win
    WALK AWAY!! ( And just grin)
    Because nothing can satisfy greed

  137. Tim Gray says:

    Here at Trump University
    You’ll learn business in all its diversity.
    An idea’s seed
    Is all that you’ll need
    To make cash without undue perversity.

  138. Tim Gray says:

    Trumps ego is over inflated,
    And his success is over-rated.
    An insatiable need
    For attention does plead,
    Which he gets by the lies he has stated.

  139. Tim Gray says:

    Trump’s opinion and results are mismatched.
    He was counting his chooks ere were hatched.
    He’s now playing the game
    Of “Laying the Blame”.
    I think we shall see him dispatched.

  140. Tim Gray says:

    Well really there isn’t a rule
    And those who conform are a fool.
    They’ll all get a lickin’
    As I beat them at chicken,
    They get flustered while I keep my cool.

  141. John Shardlow says:

    After insults, taunting and goads
    Some violence in Bodrum explodes
    As times of the ferry were murky
    The brave stayed fighting in Turkey
    But the chicken crossed over to Rhodes

  142. Lisi Nortman says:

    Walt Disney said, “I sure do need
    To invent an extremely rare breed!
    Which must quack like a duck
    Who’s a really dumb schmuck
    And its name shall be “Donald” Indeed!”

  143. madkane says:

    The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.

  144. John Shardlow says:

    In Flanders you have to concede
    They’re not like Danish or Swede
    Their pleading and begs
    For much straighter legs
    Is what the girls of Knokke need

  145. John Shardlow says:

    In the wine bar, they’re raising a glass
    To the duck who’s lacking in class
    Who’s just asked the waiter
    Can you come back later
    To stick your bill up your arse?

  146. Tim Gray says:

    A fellow lived with a horse.
    A stable relation of course.
    Asked if he did need
    A wife, he said, “Steed
    And I will run this course”.

  147. Fred Bortz says:

    A twofer:

    My chickens are scratching for feed.
    They get all the seed that they need.
    They look like they’re dancing
    And joyfully prancing.
    It’s poultry in motion, indeed!

  148. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’ve got 25 people to feed
    Got all of the food that I need
    I’ve a real boring clan
    So this year my plan
    Is stuffing the turkey with weed

  149. Lisi Nortman says:

    Our new senior housing will need
    A name that will surely succeed
    It was briefly proposed
    That this place where folks dozed
    Shall be “Kingdom Of Grand Dying Breed”

  150. Lisi Nortman says:

    (double duty)

    A goose answers many a need
    Yet farmers, you sure must take heed
    If its eggs are pure gold
    (As the fable is told)
    You might be a slave to your greed

  151. Mark G. Kane says:

    Sex Oral? Have fun while you feed.
    Sex Anal? It’s backward indeed.
    But what of our need
    Long after we breed?
    Sex Married? You’re free now to plead.

  152. Dave Johnson says:

    “We’ll offer whatever you need.”
    Perusing their wares, he agreed.
    Conditions were met;
    The transaction was set.
    Their service a bonus, indeed.

  153. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 317

    Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Race.

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