Archive for September, 2007

Television Nightmares

Thursday, September 27th, 2007

Do you want to lose weight?  Then I recommend that you watch Gordon Ramsay’s new Fox show Kitchen Nightmares during dinner.  As the good Gordon might (and often does) say, “Oh my God!”

Now my husband Mark and I are fans of Ramsay’s other show Hell’s Kitchen. But other than the presence of Ramsay himself, everything that makes Hell’s Kitchen so much fun — the  competition among chefs whom you get to know and root for throughout the season — is missing from Kitchen Nightmares.  What’s left (at least in episode 1) is numerous nausea-inducing scenes featuring rancid food and roughly gazillion roaches and flies. 

Of course, by the end of the show Ramsay and his team of miracle workers turn the dive-of-the-week into a restaurant you wouldn’t be afraid to dine in.

What I can’t figure out is what the Manhattan restaurant featured in week 1 (Indian restaurant Dillons, reborn as Purnima) was doing in business before the makeover.  Doesn’t New York City have restaurant inspectors?  I sure hope so, because that’s where I live.

And now it’s time for a limerick:

Restaurant Nightmare
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I must flee this buffet. Please, let’s go.
A mouse just ran by and … oh no!
I spotted a roach
As it tried to encroach
On my sole. What’s that thing on your toe?

(You can find more of my food humor here and more of my media humor here.)

Web Withdrawal Woes

Monday, September 24th, 2007

I dedicate this to everyone’s who’s ever been driven mad by a website or blog outage:

Web Withdrawal Woes (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

This outage has led me to think
I’ve gone bonkers, berserk—need a shrink.
I keep checking the site.
It’s still down—what a plight!
Web withdrawal may drive me to drink.

Taking Our Marriage’s Temperature

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

Taking Our Marriage’s Temperature
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My husband and I can agree
On most everything—“a” straight through “z”.
But as husband and wife
We suffer much strife
Over temp settings—heat and AC.

(We argue over our TV’s remote control too, but it refuses to rhyme.)

Update: Air Conditioning Appreciation days run from July 3 to August 15.

Spam Haiku

Saturday, September 15th, 2007

Sometimes spam frustrates me so much, that I’m forced to turn it into haiku.  How do I do it?  I simply mix and match phrases from various annoying email solicitations and turn them into Spam Haiku.  Here are some examples:

My college pictures
Enhance your anatomy.
Proven effective.

New technology.
Frustration and hopelessness.
Xanax, Valium.

Amazing orgies.
Pictures are hard to believe.
Are you strong enough?

Play Texas Hold’em.
Your future is in your hands.
Never type again.

Large screen DVD.
Is your husband performing?
Big trading alert.

Stocks in an up trend.
Best pain reliever ever.
Be happy again.

Be a love hammer.
Penis enlargement breakthrough.
You can split and merge.

Pelvic pain is real.
Computers are infected.
Contact our doctors.

Some Dishy Verse

Thursday, September 13th, 2007

Some Dishy Verse
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“We’re discussing our favorite dish,”
Said the gal. “Please chime in if you wish.”
“You mean Paris and Trump
And that singer’s big rump?”
“Oh my no, sir! Our topic is fish.”

(You can find more of my food and drink limericks and humor here and my Donald Trump humor here.)

Ode To The Mobile Web (Cell Phone Browsing Humor)

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007

Welcome mobile readers!  If you’re browsing via cell phone, I’ve written this limerick just for you:

Ode To The Mobile Web
By Madeleine Begun Kane

My blog has gone mobile — how cool!
You can surf on a cellular tool
While on foot, in your car,
Or wherever you are.
Mobile web browsing — cellulars rule!

If you’d like to subscribe to this humor blog’s mobile feed, click on the mobile icon just under my photo on the right sidebar.  And don’t forget to subscribe to my political satire blog’s mobile feed too. 

Oh — I almost forgot — if you’d like to turn your own blog into a mobile site, here’s how to do it. And you might even earn some advertising and affiliate revenue doing it.

Bach! Humbug!

Monday, September 10th, 2007

It’s time for some silly classical music punning.  (Fortunately, the tale told in this limerick never really happened.)

Bach! Humbug!
By Madeleine Begun Kane

“Your CD collection’s a joke,
And classical sucks,” yelled the bloke.
My discs couldn’t handle
This rampaging vandal:
Now all of my Bach sets are broke.

An Ugly Post

Monday, September 10th, 2007

Did you know that there’s a World Association of Ugly People?  I wonder how many of its members also belong to the American Mustache Institute.

Weeding Out Crazy Lawsuits (Outdoor Smoking Ban Limerick)

Saturday, September 1st, 2007

As a result of a neighbor’s lawsuit, a Swedish woman can no longer smoke in most of her garden. (And you thought the United States was a litigious country.)

Stockholm – A Swedish woman has been banned by court order from smoking in large parts of her own garden following a complaint from a neighbour…

… The neighbour, a lawyer, filed the complaint with the court in Vaxjo, in southern Sweden, saying he was obliged to wear a mask in his garden when the neighbour lit up.

Weeding Out Crazy Lawsuits (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

A cig-hating fellow from Sweden
Sued a gal cause she smoked during weedin’.
Now smoking’s been banned
On much of her land.
What’s next? Litigation o’er readin’?