Posts Tagged ‘Sue Dulley’

Limerick-Off Award (502)

Sunday, November 13th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Once, a gentleman bought me a dress,
With a size label bigger than “s.”
In spite of its cost,
The garment got tossed,
While I muttered, “So much for largesse.”


Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER, who wins the Special SINGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick: 

Poor Dorothy asks with a cry,
“If 𝑏𝑖𝑟𝑑𝑠 can fly, why then can’t I?”
How sweetly she sings!
But she doesn’t have wings,
And to answer her question, that’s why.

Congratulations to KEN GOSSE, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words:  EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL. (Somehow KEN GOSSE managed to use all five of them.)

Ken Gosse:

Miss Muffet’s quick eye spied a spider
In a rush to the seat right beside her.
She soon left this vale
Not by snail, but speed rail,
With a bite from that tiny, pale rider.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Edmund Conti, Lydia Porter a/k/a Cabbie Monaco, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Mark Totterdell, Paul Haebig, Rudy Landesman, Bob Turvey, Elizabeth M. Baker, Sue Dulley, Gail White, Brian Allgar, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: DRESS-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

I was sure that she gave me the eye,
So I took the next seat; squeezed her thigh.
Then she let me caress;
Slide my hand up her dress,
Where I quickly found out, she’s a guy!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DRESS-RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

I’m really not bright, I confess,
And my brain’s an embarrassing mess.
My neurons are spent!
I thought “Gettysburg” meant
Not a speech, but a type of a “dress.”

Tim James says:

When she gave him the slightest caress,
He embraced her and pawed at her dress.
“What a creep!” you may say.
But it’s really OK:
He’s a pup. They excel at excess.

Edmund Conti:

Excuse me, I’m under some stress,
Having made my last lim’rick a mess.
You see, I must squint
When I read the fine print–
Please use “dress,” please use “dress,” please use “dress!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Many deeds in my past had tongues wagging,
And for years my atonement’s been lagging.
But I still can’t redress,
All my sins and confess,
Because God always knows when I’m bragging.

Lisi Nortman:

Although she enjoyed her success,
Working “retail” gives rise to much stress.
Selling women’s wear’s tough,
And what makes it so rough
All day long it’s re-dress and redress.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Once, a fierce fashionista named Zach,
Told his boss, “I am on the attack!”
But he made a big mess
When creating a dress
Out of gunny. So Zach got the sack.

Tim James:

I’m a dud with the ladies, I guess.
When I asked for a date, lovely Jess
Told me, “Meet me at eight
At my place. Don’t be late.”
Then she gave me a bogus address.

Robert Schechter:

You’re correct that my clothes are a mess.
Yours are better, I freely confess.
But I have you beat
If we’re asked to compete
For the title “Most Fun to Undress.”

Cabbie Monaco:

Applying for jobs, gurus stress
That at interviews you must impress.
Don’t make a mistake
Like my bearded mate, Jake.
He turned up in a scarlet silk dress.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SINGING DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

We ladies at “Sunset” are shrewd.
We don’t sing in the shower; it’s lewd.
Cause then we will dance,
Likely slip, and perchance
The Medics will notice we’re nude.

Mark Totterdell:

Any time I attempt karaoke,
Whether poppy or rocky or folky,
Though I think I’m a star
With the best voice by far,
I am really all tuneless and croaky.

Paul Haebig:

Our feelings, I know, differ vastly,
But I’ve always been fond of Rick Astley.
He is awfully cute!
We can watch him on “mute,”
Since you think that his singing is ghastly.

Terry Marter:

I am singing a beautiful song;
My voice sounds so good; can’t go wrong.
Then my friend’s voice breaks in:
“What the fuck is that din?
Quit the wailing, – and put down that bong.”

Sjaan Vandenbroeder:

My attempts to learn lyrics fell flat.
Karaoke, though, took care of that.
I mouth into the mike,
Any jabber I like,
And there’s always some guy who’ll yell, “Scat!”

Tim James:

When she sings, the collection of “notes”
She emits as she squirms and emotes
Is as soothing and sweet
As an ungulate’s bleat.
Oh my God, that’s an insult to goats.

Terry Marter:

On the shore; through the storm, I would sing.
As waves crashed, to love’s mem’ries I’d cling.
Held my pearls to the sky,
With a tear in my eye, –
Then they broke, and I swallowed some bling.

Tim James:

A chordophone-plucking jamoke
Crooned his ballads for Renaissance folk.
His gal gave him the boot
And made off with his lute —
Thereby leaving the guy flat baroque.

Rudy Landesman:

So now that I’m no longer young,
I’ve sharpened the bite of my tongue.
But don’t ask me why
I let sour notes fly.
It’s best we leave that song unsung.

Bob Turvey:

In China when springtime is young
And shoots from the ground have just sprung
To help them along
Folk sing them a song
And the singer is often called Sung.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION:  EYE, RAIL, RUSH, SEAT, SNAIL) .

Edmund Conti:

Whenever you rush for a seat
You’ll find some young girl has you beat.
But don’t make a fuss
You are not on a bus.
It’s Musical Chairs, so compete!

Sjaan VandenBroeder

Snidely Whiplash, a dastardly male,
Rushed to tie lovely Nell to the rail.
I am bound to feel pain,”
She said, hearing the train,
“But I’d rather do this than eat kale.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

At the show, first in line for the loo,
Aesop’s hare eyed a snail in the queue.
Why’d the rabbit retreat,
And rush back to his seat?
Some might say that he sensed déjà vu.

Elizabeth M. Baker says:

The post office “rushes” my mail,
But slowness will always prevail.
In mail-time we speak;
One day is a week,
And that’s ‘cause the mailman’s a snail!

Sue Dulley:

She left the north-west in a gale
And travelled to London by rail.
She needed to rush
(Ask her why and she’ll blush)
But the train was as slow as a snail.

Gail White:

A snail took a seat on a rail
And watched as the sunrise grew pale,
When a snail in the grass
Shouted, “Watch it, you ass!
Behind you a train’s coming! Bail!

Brian Allgar:

This eye-catching race never fails;
All the seats were jam-packed to the rails.
Bang! The starting-gun shot,
But a rush it was not –
The event was a race between snails.

Terry Marter:

On a bright winter’s day, a cute snail
Warmed himself on a sunlit steel rail.
Then along came the rain,
And a rather large train.
Sunbathe Fail. End of snail. End of tale.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take a seat”, said the eye doctor, Scott.
Heard he’s thorough, I liked him a lot.
I asked, “Can I see
Your notes about me?”
He smiled and said, “Probably not.”

Jean McEwen:

A letter, these days, sent by mail
Seems to move at the pace of a snail.
Ask the postman to rush?
He will just retort: “Hush!”–
And annoyingly, then, drag his tail.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (501)

Saturday, October 15th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Should Trump chance on a thought, then he’ll share it;
He loves nothing so much as to air it.
He’ll give to mankind
A piece of his mind,
Even though we all know he can’t spare it.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special BANK-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

At the bank, works a woman named Heller;
The job that she does isn’t stellar.
Her cash counts are wrong,
And her lines slow and long.
Is there nobody there who will tell ’er?

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the “Random Word Generator” Limerick Award, for a clever limerick which uses at least two of these five words: YAWN, CLAIM, SPORTS, LAZY, FEARLESS.

An old rancorous widow named Maisie,
Liked to claim her late husband was lazy.
When she’d visit his plot,
She’d say, “Just as I thought —
Now he won’t even push up a daisy.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Trevor Alexander, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Sue Dulley, Steve Benko, and Elizabeth M. Baker. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRIPLE DUTY DIVISION: MIND or MINED or REMIND-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BANK-THEMED LIMERICKS and RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

The bank-teller claimed, with a yawn,
“I’ve been working all night until dawn.
Counting bank-notes, I find,
Bores me out of my mind –
I would rather count grass on the lawn.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MIND or MINED or REMIND-RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

“I must have been out of my mind,”
Said the stripper, “to get in this bind.
I’m knocked up by a slob
And it’s cost me my job.
So now I’ve a bump — with no grind.”

Lisi Nortman:

I wrote a bad verse, using “mined.”
This mistake shows my mind has declined.
I rhymed low with hello.
That’s a mega “no-no,”
So to “Lim’rick Jail” I’ve been assigned.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When my brain’s in a dither, I find
A quick means to achieve peace of mind:
I take all the TP
Off the roll just to see
That there’s always some way to unwind.

Terry Marter:

Since you saw me last year, am I fatter?
I have tried using mind over matter.
With this matter in mind:
My tum? My behind?
Looking back we can see, – it’s the latter.

Dave Johnson:

She told him “I hope you don’t mind,
But this is the way I unwind.”
Her getting undressed
Set the stage for the rest;
Extending a date that was “blind.”

Trevor Alexander:

Well I must have been out of my mind,
When my girlfriend asked if her behind
Looked big in that dress:
My mouth told her, “Yes.”
Now to singleton life, I’m resigned.

Mark Totterdell:

I have fallen so very behind
That I guess I’m completely resigned
To the fact there’s no time
To come up with a rhyme
For this contest that has the word ‘mind.’

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BANK-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

“Granny loves you and wants to express
Her hopes for your future success.
She sent five dollars, Frank!
Put it right in the bank.
And in time, you will see it’s worth less.”

Terry Marter:

He approached the head teller (in floral)
To tell ’er he wanted some oral.
They snuck in a closet;
He left his deposit,
Then hastily made a withdrawal.

Rudy Landesman:

On the banks of the old Jordan River
Sat King Herod; and, Lord, did he quiver!
He’d caught with some guilt a
Fat fish called gefilte.
And that, my good friends, ain’t chopped liver.

Lisi Nortman:

The first thing I felt was a tickle.
The tickle turned into a trickle.
We all had to “go”
Cause the bank line was slow.
Seems that Joe way upfront lost a nickel.

Roger Haugen:

You’d call it a pretty dumb prank,
To hold up the town’s biggest bank;
But he grabbed all the cash
And took off in a flash,
Firing only one bullet – a blank.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I like banks that are caches for dough,
But the tilt of an airplane? Oh no!
I love banks with a slope
To a lake, but say. “Nope!”
To the ones that are made up of snow.

Banks of lights at a gala are cool,
As are bank shots in b-ball and pool;
Plus I’m an admirer,
Of Banks known as Tyra
(Though I can’t rhyme her name as a rule.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RANDOM WORD GENERATOR LIMERICK DIVISION: YAWN, CLAIM, SPORTS, LAZY, FEARLESS)

Tim James:

An artist who’s claimed to be fearless
Sports a look that is utterly peerless.
Surpassing Van Gogh,
He makes buckets of dough
Painting “Starry Night” knockoffs while earless.

Jean McEwen:

While the masses exhibit élan
Watching spectator sports, hanging on
To their team’s every play,
I prefer the ballet.
Watching sports gives me one great big yawn.

Sue Dulley:

In sports, I’m both fearless and lazy,
I won’t train if it’s wet, hot or hazy;
Not afraid to come last
As I have in the past,
Running slow, looking fresh as a daisy.

Tim James:

She claimed as she stifled a yawn:
“All the fun in our marriage is gone.”
He was too dense to fear
That the ending was near —
Till he found his stuff out on the lawn.

Terry Marter:

My brother, at cycling, is fearless.
He’s a champ, and I’d claim that he’s peerless.
He’s active and zealous;
I’m lazy, but jealous,
So I sold all his stuff; now he’s gear-less.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

The mere thought of a trip makes me wan;
I’m too lazy to get up at dawn,
Or to ruin a nap,
Just to look at a map,
And then roam about hither and yawn.

Steve Benko:

“To bet you will win would be crazy,”
Said the friends of a tortoise named Daisy.
But she claimed, “See that yawn?
All your jew’ls go and pawn,
For at sports that hare’s fearless but lazy.”

Elizabeth M. Baker:

To encourage a good health report,
My doctor advises a sport.
I claimed to do one,
But it just wasn’t fun —
So my lifetime will have to be short!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (487)

Saturday, January 22nd, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When his “urges” became more resurgent,
Certain pleas to his wife grew more urgent:
“Now that I’m growing old,
I will need to get bold…”
So she bought him a box of detergent.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special INJURY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The hitch-hiker’s feeling quite glum,
And he thinks that it may have been dumb –
Stuck his hand out too fast
As a lorry shot past.
Now he’s waving goodbye to his thumb.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Terry Marter, Mark Totterdell Sue Dulley, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Bob Turvey, Byron Miller, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Jean McEwen, Doug Harris, Wildman, Steve Benko, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, David Friedman, Daisy Hyrkas, and Rudy Landesman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “BOLD or BOWLED” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO INJURY-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Terry Marter:

A critic, – audacious and bold,
Said my rhymes were all corny and old.
He is now on the floor
With my large Volume Four, –
There’s some blood, and his body’s quite cold.

Mark Totterdell:

To eat a blue cheese, truth be told,
Is an action both risky and bold.
It could lead to your doom,
As that stuff you consume
Is old cow-juice all shot through with mold.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOLD or BOWLED”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

I put on my jacket and strolled
Past the lawn where the lawn-bowlers bowled.
I won’t join their sport
Because life is too short
And I’m not yet sufficiently old.

Kirk Miller:

The magazine’s concept was bold.
Origami designs would be sold.
But subscribers were few,
So the publisher knew
After only one issue, they’d fold.

Tim James:

A publisher’s wife had grown cold
And turned into a bit of a scold.
Did he push back? No way.
It’s a pity to say
That only his typeface is bold.

Roger Haugen:

Said the ram to his pal, “I’ve been told
There’s a flock of hot girls in that fold;
Why screw just one ewe?
I’m up for a few–
No time to be sheepish, but bold!”

Bob Turvey:

No – they can’t replace heroes of old,
Like Fleming. So clever. So bold.
It must have been thrillin’
To find penicillin –
After making him God broke the mould.

Terry Marter:

I dreamt that my lims had all sold,
For their wit and their style oh so bold.
Then awoke minus smile
As my eyes caught the pile, –
All withered and gathering mould.

Byron Miller:

I can’t count all the games that I’ve bowled
In these shoes now all moldy and holed.
But, a buyer I’ll catch
If I glue on a patch;
Time to get them resoled and resold.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lady Longhorn, one hundred years old,
Breathed her last as her lover took hold.
He, not noticing this,
Said, when planting a kiss,
“Why so cold, if I may be so bold?”

Tim James:

The gal was especially bold.
Of my hands she had taken firm hold
And pressed both to her breast.
I then made a request:
“May I take a brief rest?” (God I’m old.)

Lisi Nortman:

I have frightening feelings of dread.
And unsettling thoughts in my head.
What’s more, I am old.
But today I was bold.
And actually got out of bed.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INJURY-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

I am secretly pleased that the limb
That I injured today at the gym
Needs a rest, cause truth told,
I’m decrepit and old
And this spandex look’s getting quite grim.

Doug Harris:

There’s many a tendon I’ve nursed
And how often I’ve landed head-first.
But likely dismissed
From the injury list –
A bruised ego is prob’ly the worst!

Terry Marter:

He was proud to be known far and wide
For the lions that lived by his side.
One day (on their whim)
He was torn limb from limb,
But none of it injured his pride.

Wildman:

In my Oculus world of illusion
I selected the game called ‘Confusion.’
Oh, I scored pretty well
Till I spun and then fell;
A new level achieved, called ‘Contusion.’

Steve Benko:

“Are you injured? Hire me, and we’ll sue!”
Said the billboard in red, white, and blue.
“The American way
Is to make someone pay;
You’ll get rich, and your lawyer will, too!”

Dave Johnson:

A porn film director named Rob
Was known for the insults he’d lob.
One time, way back when,
He kept yelling at Ken
For limping along on the job.

Roger Haugen:

The mugger cried out: “No more, please!”
As he cowered in pain on his knees;
He was soft in the head,
Or maybe brain-dead,
To think he could injure Louise.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Gore
Whose nuts got shot off in the war.
He said, “Have no fears,
I’m married 10 years
So don’t really need ’em no more.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I’ve chopped up my wrists with a knife,
But still I am clinging to life.
I’m clutching the note
That I angrily wrote,
Placing all of the blame on my wife.

Rudy Landesman:

Oh meter! Oh meter! Oh meter!
You’re sloppy. You stumble. You teeter
All over the place
And fall flat on your face.
You MUST mind your feet to be neater.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (486)

Saturday, January 8th, 2022

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Stravinsky, “My schedule is tight;
My publishers called me last night
To commission a song
About righting a wrong,
But I’m too busy writing a Rite.”

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Special SHOTS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Novak Djokovic, agile and tall,
Plays great shots with a racket and ball,
But there’s one kind of shot
That he still hasn’t got,
Because Novak’s had no vax at all.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tony Holmes, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Terry Marter, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Fred Bortz, Sharon Neeman, David Hodges, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “RIGHT or WRITE or RITE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHOTS-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Elmer Fudd sang in Shanghai one night —
Karaoked (his last civil right.)
Took one shot at a song
With “If wuvving you’s wong,
Then (it’s twue) I don’t want to be wight.”

Sue Dulley:

We’ve had our three shots; it’s all right
To meet now and then for a bite.
And if anyone asks,
Say we all wore our masks
While devouring our dinner tonight.

Tony Holmes:

If you’ve might on your side, you are right,
And you can, with impunity, smite.
You are calling the shots.
You can crush the have-nots,
But you dare not sleep tight every night

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“RIGHT or WRITE or RITE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Bob Turvey:

If you suffer from cramps in the night
A banana will soon put you right.
“I’ve tried it,” said Jane,
Many times – but in vain.”
Said her friend, “If you eat it, it might.”

Jean McEwen:

It had seemed to be love at first sight;
I had finally found Mr. Right!!
Then those fresh bloody stains
And those human remains
In his trunk gave me pause; I took flight.

Lisi Nortman:

My foot fell asleep on the flight,
Yet the rest of my body felt right.
Then at the hotel,
I slept very well,
But my foot stayed awake through the night.

Terry Marter:

Half asleep; half awake, half the night:
Half a Lim’rick that STILL don’t look right.
Time to rise for a brew, –
Slice of toast, perhaps two.
Add a bowl of “Just Right?” I just might!

Dave Johnson:

Jen’s husband was trying to write
A poem he hoped would ignite
Her passionate side.
But as hard as he tried,
His assonance failed to excite.

Tim James:

A randy young gal named Costello
Hooked up with a like-minded fellow.
He lied that he’d write
When he left her that night.
When it comes to commitment, he’s yellow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An obstructionist ended the night,
When he got the last word in a fight.
“I’m agreeing,” said he,
To say we disagree.
But that won’t make me any less right.”

Roger Haugen:

A new era was born at the site
Of mankind’s first motorized flight;
Ahead of all others,
These two small-town brothers
Showed the world what it meant to be (W)right.

Kirk Miller:

At the funeral, minister Dwight
Was real nervous and feeling uptight.
’Twas the first one where he
Had to speak, so you see
He worked hard so he’d write the right rite.

Steve Benko:

When on pot, you’re as high as a kite;
It isn’t the best time to write.
You think you’re inspired,
But Mad says, “You’re fired!
Your work on my page is a blight!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHOTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tim James:

After pounding nine shots of sloe gin
I took note of her come-hither grin.
So we went to her place.
But oh God, the disgrace!
I was wholly unable to sin.

Brian Allgar:

The photographer’s English was lean;
The police soon arrived on the scene.
His mistake was to state
To the guard on the gate
“I have come to take shots at your Queen.”

Fred Bortz:

It’s too bad that the guy had to die
From drinking too much of that rye.
Alas, what a shame,
But the rules of the game
Were a shot for each Trumpian lie.

Sharon Neeman:

There’s a faction that’s riddled with twits
Who have far more polemic than wits:
“Don’t get jabbed!” they all cry
As folks sicken and die —
So they’re both anti-shots and pro shits.

David Hodges:

In German, “mein Schatz” means “my treasure” –
A sweetheart beyond any measure.
An American miss
May take umbrage at this;
Being called “Shots” will bring her no pleasure!

Lisi Nortman:

The last time I went to my shrink,
He said, “Gertrude, you need to rethink!
“You MUST get that shot!”
But then I did not,
When I found out it wasn’t a drink.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (483)

Saturday, November 27th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Santas Barbara, Ana and Cruz
May have charms to delight and amuse,
But for one special quality,
Seasonal jollity,
Claus is the Santa I’d choose.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special RETIREMENT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The rat race is over. I’m done.
Retirement, I’ve found, is more fun.
After thousands of days
Running through that damn maze,
I had to concede. The rats won.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Brian Allgar, David Friedman, Sue Dulley, Mark Totterdell, Terry Marter, Christine Frier, Tim James, Byron Miller, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Doug Harris, Tony Holmes, and Steve Benko. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRUISE or CREWS or CRUSE”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

If he’d known there’d be watered-down booze;
Rowdy queues at the unisex loos;
Huge overstuffed trunks;
Two castaway skunks —
Noah would have said “no” to the cruise.

Brian Allgar:

We had taken a luxury cruise,
But my friend had drunk far too much booze.
They cried “Man overboard!”
And a ravenous horde
Of white sharks came to check the good news.

David Friedman:

A control on my car labeled ‘Cruise’
Is very intriguing to use:
I press it and ZIP!
I’m there on a ship
With swimming pools, buffets, and booze!

Sue Dulley:

Penélope Cruz and Tom Cruise
Once were partners, I heard on the news.
If he asked her to wed,
Here’s what she may have said:
“Change my name to Cruz-Cruise? I refuse!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A French artist emboldened by booze,
Asked a prostitute out on a cruise.
She replied, “Well, Lautrec —
Oh, hell, what the heck.
I really have nothing to lose.”

Mark Totterdell:

On that ship packed with creatures in twos,
With their bellows and roars, neighs and moos,
And their horrible stink,
I could not sleep a wink.
I’d award just one star to that cruise.

Terry Marter:

Had enough of ‘cool’ jazz in this freeze.
Made some notes to seek tropical breeze.
Got a gig on a cruise
With my horn, – playing blues
And some sizzling high ‘C’s on high seas.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My new beau, who calls couch a divan,
Will remind me, “It’s SKILLET, not pan.”
He says “con job” is ruse,
And a bottle’s a cruse,
Then he swigs all his beer from a can.

Christine Frier:

We were booked on the “Hook’ n High Seas.”
It’s a cruise where crocheting’s the tease.
But the action on cruise,
Was with husband and flooze.
The hooker was hooking high fees.

Tim James:

I met a young gal on a cruise;
She’s a lawyer, a cook, and a flooze.
Yes, this set-up is lame
And this punch line’s the same:
She’s a woman who sues, stews, and screws.

Mark Totterdell:

Sailing south over depths oceanic,
The polar bears realized, in panic,
That the fate of their cruise
Would be major world news,
As their iceberg had hit the Titanic.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RETIREMENT-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Byron Miller:

I will never, it seems, be retired;
I guess planning ahead was required.
I lived for enjoyment,
Chose part-time employment —
Hope Walmart soon tells me I’m hired.

Brian Allgar:

I needed the garage’s wares,
And I’d taken my car for repairs.
“Please re-tire this car.”
They replied “Right you are.”
When I went back, they’d sold it for spares!

Lisi Nortman:

This job sure is makin’ me cry.
Can’t wait for my final goodbye.
But the figures now show
That I really can’t go
Till 20 years after I die.

Terry Marter:

There’s no way that I’ll ever retire,
Cuz my debt’s getting higher and higher.
Now I’m feeling the heat
From a loan shark named Pete,
As I leap from the pan to the fire.

Doug Harris:

Retirement? You workers can scoff,
As we creak and we stumble and cough.
But if you examine a
Pensioner’s stamina;
Be impressed – we don’t take a day off!

Brian Allgar:

The hooker had made enough dough,
And she felt a most virtuous glow
When she chose to retire
And join the church choir.
Her fav’rite composer? John Blow.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

My kinfolk spawned nobody famous
(Who would claim us), except Uncle Amos.
He drew local attention,
Embezz’ling a pension.
So we moved out of town. Can you blame us?

Tony Holmes:

“I was free, at long last, to devote
All my time to restoring my boat.
The expenses surprised
And I’ve now been advised,
‘Get a job – it will keep you afloat.’”

Lisi Nortman:

Retirement! What a great life!
No more hassle, no conflicts, no strife!
The world feels so sweet,
And to make things complete
Tomorrow, I’m leaving my wife.

Steve Benko:

In retirement, what could I do?
But Madeleine, dear, then came you.
My life’s new direction
Is verbal confection;
It’s fun, since it seems I can’t screw.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (481)

Saturday, October 30th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick and its unusually clever use of homonyms:

Willie the Wharf is in tiers.
He’s been dammed for the rest of his years.
No longer a dock,
He’ll be kept under lock
By a jury of all of his piers.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special LIMB-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Adam, “Lord, be a good egg
And give me a woman, I beg.”
God replied, “I can try,
But the price will be high –
She will cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Well, I don’t need some posh memsahib,
And she mustn’t support Women’s Lib.
But I just can’t afford
To lose two limbs, dear Lord,
So what could I get for a rib?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Terry Marter, Sondra Landin, Bob Turvey, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Steve Benko, Doug Harris, Mark Totterdell, Sally Rosoff, Rudy Landesman, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Diane Groothuis, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DOCK or DOC”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

While looking for ducks off my dock,
You’ll see turtles, both real ones and mock,
And not too much later
You may see a ’gator!
I promise, this isn’t a croc.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

An annoyed, anti-Freud kind of Doc,
Said my Oedipus Complex was schlock.
“You’ll never get happy
By marrying Pappy.
This fixation is pure poppycock!”

Terry Marter:

You stand to be judged in my dock
For indecently flashing your cock.
While I’m not a condoner
Of pervs with a boner
I DO like the style of your frock.

Sondra Landin:

An imposing fine figure, my doc;
He is thorough and caring – my rock.
When those five words I hear –
“Come see me next year,”
I think “Whew, not yet time to take stock!”

Bob Turvey:

“Hydrocephalus,” said an old Dane,
“Is a head full of water and pain.
To drain it, a doc
Transplanted my cock.
But now I have sex on the brain.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lost my laptop, my job — I’m in hock.
Even Hightail, my dog, took a walk.
My canoe’s in the slough,
And my paycheck’s gone, too.
Now I haven’t one thing left to dock.

Sue Dulley:

I cooked some chow mein in my wok
Using two kinds of choy – pak and bok –
And some fungi I found
In the woods on the ground,
Now I’m dying to talk to my doc.

Tim James:

They won’t listen to Fauci the doc;
COVID science they cluelessly mock.
Get the jab? Wear a mask?
That’s just too much to ask!
What they’re full of they spew by the crock.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Said a clown to his shrink, “I’ve a block,
And sound fuddier each time I talk.”
Urged the psych with a poke,
“So then let’s hear a joke.”
“Okay!” Cried the comic, “Doc Doc…”

Brian Allgar:

I had opened a vintage Medoc;
My first glass was a terrible shock.
My precious old red
Was a fraud, for instead,
It was nothing but watery hock!

Steve Benko:

“The Titanic is leaving the dock;
To believe it could sink is a crock,”
Said the captain. A clue,
Though, alarmed the whole crew,
For the man had a hole in his sock.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIMB-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Doug Harris:

I tripped on a simple tent peg:
Broke ankle and wrist, now I beg
For your limberick vote
For this punchline I wrote –
Coz it’s cost me an arm and a leg!

Tim James:

Want a lim about limbs? Here you are:
She has legs like a hot movie star,
Firmly muscled and tanned.
Oh, I bet they’d feel grand
Wrapped around me (no luck there so far.)

Mark Totterdell:

I had to return my pet starfish,
It was truly a well below par fish.
It had met with some harm
And had only one arm
Out of five, which is not even halfish.

Sally Rosoff:

He bragged about skill unsurpassed,
As a climber – we watched, all aghast.
The mistake made by him?
Going out on a limb.
Now he’s walking around in a cast.

Rudy Landesman:

The defendant walked out of the court
With a laugh and a sneer and a snort.
As he had predicted,
He was not convicted.
The long arm of the law was too short.

Jean McEwen:

I prefer that not all the world see
Every limb of my family tree
Because not too far out
You’ll find many a lout.
(In fact, one is my dad – first degree.)

Sjaan VandenBroeder, for her “The First Garden?”

In a tree, as serene as a chapel,
As the sun on its leaves paints a dapple,
A lone man on a limb
Hears a girl call to him —
“Hey, Stupid-head, bring me an apple!”

Terry Marter:

His new Guillotine’s gone to his head,
Cost an arm and a leg (so he said.)
He expected a slice
To be cut off the price.
Now he’s still very much in the red.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dad was shot. Lost his legs. Had the blues.
But he smiled when he read last week’s news:
“Here at ‘Wooden Leg Mart’
Come today, if you’re smart.
Buy the legs, and we’ll throw in the shoes.”

Diane Groothuis:

When her boyfriend got down on one knee,
It sure was a fine sight to see.
He looked up at the sky
And then told her why:
“In my sock there’s a troublesome flea.”

Dave Johnson:

They said she went out on a limb;
Predicted her chances were slim.
Since “they” were all males,
This is one of those tales
With a “her” outperforming a “him.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (479)

Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to GENNADIY GURARIY, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I once caught the flu from a fly
Who flew on my pie from on high.
I put down the coup
By slamming my shoe
Into what has become shoefly pie.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Special BRAGGING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

After scaring up “Friends” coast-to-coast,
Casper boasts on a post, “I’ve the most!
Countless followers boo me,
And thousands see through me —
Not to mention the millions I ghost!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Robert Schechter, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Rudy Landesman, Gennadiy Gurariy, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BRAGGING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

“I’m a yugely-equipped kinda guy,”
Boasted Donald, unzipping his fly.
So the hooker went down,
Gave a mystified frown.
“I can’t find it,” she said with a sigh.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLY”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley

The shock made me think I would die;
A bug in my fabric supply!
I started to froth
At the mouth – “Help! a moth!!”
But it turned out to be but-a-fly.

Dave Johnson:

A math teacher learned how to fly;
The skill that allowed him to try
His brand-new technique.
Now some students may seek
To learn about pi in the sky.

David Friedman:

There once was a young fly named Whit
Who hated his life quite a bit.
“To be,” he would sigh,
“A bee, not a fly,
And fly among flowers, not shit!”

Sue Dulley:

I am stuck in this treetop so high,
Just a chick; I don’t know how to fly.
I attest that it’s best
That I rest in this nest,
Egg me on, kick me out and I’ll die.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I said, as I pawed through the rack,
For a baseball mitt (something I lack),
To the clerk standing by,
“Soon I’ll catch my first fly!”
He said, “Why not just give it a whack?”

Brian Allgar:

My wife hates the food when we fly;
She complains: “Gourmet food? What a lie!”
On our journey to Sydney
They served steak-and-kidney.
“You see? It’s just pie in the sky.”

Dave Johnson:

While under a microscope’s eye,
This subject has secrets to pry.
Entomologists know
That it just goes to show
There’s stuff you can learn on the fly.

Robert Schechter:

I looked up by chance at the sky
When a pigeon pooped crap in my eye.
I let out a curse,
But it could have been worse:
Imagine if hippos could fly!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Always failing when aiming too high,
I was flailing with each futile try.
So I set my sights lower,
And learned to go slower.
Now I’m skillful at killing a fly.

Tim James:

His pick-up lines just didn’t fly.
“You’re a pig!” said the gal in reply,
Then got mad (who’d have guessed?)
When he asked her in jest:
“Would you like to come up to my sty?

Robert Schechter:

I swear that it wasn’t a lie
When I said I would not hurt a fly,
But you, as you know,
Are a human, and so
Prepare, motherf*cker, to die.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BRAGGING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Ken Gosse:

While I stood in the checkout line, bragging,
The speed of the line started dragging.
My stories were bold,
But were too often told.
They begged me to “Please, finish bagging!”

Sue Dulley:

I am old and I live on a pension;
I have few ways to get your attention.
So permit me to say
In a (non-)bragging way:
Mad once gave me an hon’rable mention.

Rudy Landesman:

My wife, not to brag, is just grand.
She answers my every demand.
When we are in bed,
She gives me great head
And does wonderful things with her hand.

Gennadiy Gurariy:

When posting my profile on Bumble,
I’m hoping that I didn’t fumble
By laying out raw
My only grave flaw
Of being exceedingly humble.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (on Covid Rules)

For the last two darn years, we have sat
Alone in our house or our flat.
Like we fell in a hole,
Never went near one soul.
Not to brag, but I’ve ALWAYS done that.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

About boasting, I needed advice,
And my minister said, “It’s not nice.
You like praise, and want more?
That’s what fun’rals are for.”
I guess bragging rites come with a price.

Tim James:

At the bake-off we all heard her boast
That the judges would like her bread most.
She committed a goof
And her dough failed to proof —
So now it appears that she’s toast.

Byron Miller:

“Only I have the deal that you want,”
Says the braggart with ego to flaunt,
But I can’t trust a guy
With his hair piled up high
In a puffed-up big bulbous bouffant.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (473)

Saturday, July 10th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m so square, I get dizzy on gin —
Just one round and my head starts to spin.
Then I circle about,
Quite obtusely, no doubt,
Wond’ring what kind of shape I am in.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ETIQUETTE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick, which is also a Spin-Rhyme limerick:

Tim James:

Here’s some dating advice with no spin:
Treat the gal with respect, and you win!
Buy her choc’late and bling.
Oh, there’s one final thing:
Just make sure that she isn’t your kin.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sjaan VandenBroeder, Daisy Hyrkas, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Doug Harris, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, Steve Benko, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Sondra Landin, Roger Haugen, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SPIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ETIQUETTE LIMERICKS)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

After eating his kith and his kin,
Sweeney asked Mrs. L for her spin
On the practice of such.
She said, “Don’t eat too much,
Because gluttony, luv, is a sin.”

Daisy Hyrkas:

I drank a small bathtub of gin
And felt my head starting to spin.
I got a rebuke
Cuz Mom saw me puke
Two steps before I reached the bin.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SPIN”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When a college boy gave you his “pin,”
You went into a jubilant spin.
So un-worldly were we,
We just didn’t foresee
That the pin was a pass to get in.

Sue Dulley:

I can’t wait for my life to begin.
Mom’s a skater, and with ev’ry spin
I get dizzy; I groan
To myself all alone –
If I had one, I’d moan to my twin.

Doug Harris:

I dated a ballet brunette.
Drove me wild did that lissome coquette.
When I said, “Please jump in
And let’s go for a spin,”
She surprised with a long pirouette.

Terry Marter:

So what kind of guilt-laden spin
Is this bullshit, – Original Sin?
We fools should believe
It’s from Adam and Eve?
It’s a ‘Cult’ that I’m glad I’m not in.

Rudy Landesman:

Cole Porter and Irving Berlin.
And Gershwin? Let’s do throw him in.
These guys were prolific.
Their songs were terrific.
To count them would make your head spin.

Steve Benko:

“This indictment’s a kick in the shin,
And I can’t get a pardon like Flynn,”
Groaned Weisselberg. “Allen,”
Said Trump, “Here’s a gallon
Of bullshit to give it good spin.”

Tim James:

A guy took a gal for a spin.
They parked, and committed a sin.
Then the car wouldn’t start,
So she fixed it. (She’s smart.)
She puts out and knows autos? Win-win!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ETIQUETTE-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

My father is groping my ma.
In public! It’s quite the faux pas.
But my mom acts no better;
She whips off her sweater
And leashes his neck with her bra.

Terry Marter:

My opinion is Doc you’ve got guts,
If you think that with no ifs or buts,
You can check out my glands
With your freezing cold hands.
The price of such folly? Your Nuts!

Lisi Nortman:

“Now listen here, know-it-all chap:
I’ve deaf ears to your old-fashioned crap!
At 90 years old,
I’m feelin’ real bold,
And will NOT fold my hands on my lap.”

Jean McEwen:

When dining with others, please chew,
And then swallow your food before you
Try to talk prematurely,
’Cause otherwise, surely,
You’ll spray those around you with goo.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With proboscis upturned she will pace,
As she sniffs with disdain at my place.
Acting snooty (it stinks),
It’s her duty (she thinks).
It’s as plain as the nose on her face.

Tim James:

I used to let people incite me;
I’d yell and invite them to fight me.
Good manners I learned
From the beat-downs I earned.
Now I calmly tell folks just to bite me.

Sondra Landin:

’Twas a must-attend ‘manners’ oration,
With dull discourse and scant information.
But then we could chug
Champagne from a mug!
That ‘manner’ sparked much jubilation!

Roger Haugen:

A blooming but bashful coquette
Bit into a luscious baguette;
The roll was so sweet,
She barfed on her feet.
A societal queen? Not just yet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Darling daughter, you must act with grace.
Keep a sweet, pleasant smile on your face.
Use a tissue to sneeze.
Say ‘thank you’ and ‘please.'”
“Thank you, Mama. Please get off my case!”

Tony Holmes:

In the etiquette stakes meine frau
Has the lead by a nose. This is how:
When in flatulent mode,
She will clench, as per code,
Then discreetly release as a sough.

Steve Benko:

Amy Vanderbilt once made a rule
That a gentleman never should drool.
But where topless girls prance
On the beaches of France,
To enforce it would surely be cruel.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (472)

Saturday, June 26th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

She crafted brassieres by request,
And her products were known as the best.
They were comfy all day,
All her clients would say.
Of their needs she was keeping abreast.

But she needed a loan. It was just
At that time that her Savings and Trust
Jacked their int’rest rates high
So her cash flow went dry.
And her company, sadly, went bust.

Congratulations to TERRY MARTER, who wins the Special TIMING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

It’s always just after I ‘send,’
That I think of a far better end.
The amended appendage
With much improved endage
Is finally mended and penned.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick:

She was small and demure, and his quest
Was to get her completely undressed.
When it happened, though, he
Was astounded to see
A Marine Corps tattoo on her chest.

As he came to this part of his quest
He screwed up, as perhaps you have guessed.
As they made love that day
He cried, “Anchors aweigh!”
“That’s the NAVY!” she yelled, unimpressed.

His timing could not have been worse.
The wrong words at that moment? Perverse.
(Maybe next time he’ll try
The right phrase: “Semper Fi.”)
He was stunned by how well she could curse.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Benko, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Kirk Miller, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Diane Groothuis, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Roger Haugen, Tim James, Mark Totterdell, Rudy Landesman, and Bob Turvey. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TIMING LIMERICKS)

Steve Benko:

I dreamed I received this bequest
From no less of a star than Mae West:
“As my time is now up,
For the way he would schtupp,
I am leaving Steve Benko my chest.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

With a saxophone solo my quest,
First, I ready my reed for the test.
With my embouchure tight,
And the timing just right,
Then I blow my own horn through each rest.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“QUEST or REQUEST or BEQUEST”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

To the waiter I made this request:
“On my chicken dish, please make it breast.”
Said the server (named Dale)
“All our chickens are male;
We have thigh, wing or drumstick, or chest.”

Terry Marter:

They played crap at the disco last night.
The DJ was high as a kite.
“Do we have a request?”
I said “Give it a rest!”
And that’s how I got in the fight.

Lisi Nortman:

The firing squad was about
To kill Peter, who started to shout:
“I have one last request.
Will you all do your best
To forget about wiping me out?”

Kirk Miller:

When the stripper’s on stage fully dressed,
You can bet that she’ll be on a quest
To remove blouse and bra
With some moves that are raw.
She has something to get off her chest.

Sondra Landin:

My friend thinks that I’m a big pest;
I repeatedly state, not in jest,
“Don’t toss out your mask,
That’s all that I ask,
’Cause from you I don’t want a bequest!”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

I write with this acrid request:
Don’t say MUSTARD — not even in jest.
Now I’m smelling the stuff!
Yes, phantosmia’s rough.
(Well, at least I got that off my chest).

Tony Holmes:

There are ladies who call by request
And oblige, doing what they do best.
I’ve a laundress, Ms. Took;
Wields an iron, can cook,
And another, Ms. Vamp, for the rest.

Diane Groothuis:

A youngish gal made a request
To Cupid to give it a rest:
“I have had hubbies three
Who were no good to me,
And your arrows have damaged my breast”

Jean McEwen:

When you give two new sex toys a test
To see which, for a bang, works the best,
You most surely will fail
’Cause there’s no holy grail.
So you may as well give up the quest.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Greedy heirs will not rest till they wrest,
From my breast, closely pressed, my bequest.
Holy moly, Amen!
I have played them again —
No one guessed this was only a test!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TIMING-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

Mr. Louis Pasteur calmed his woes
When he told all the docs, “Don’t expose
Your patients to dirt.
I’ve put out an alert:
“Close ’em up first, and THEN pick your nose.”

Steve Benko:

In physics, the term “multiverse”
Won’t earn from your rivals a curse.
But the deadline is looming
And Tim James is blooming;
He thinks that one stanza’s too terse.

Dave Johnson:

His job at the factory dock
Was strenuous – hard as a rock.
But hip-hip-hooray,
It’s retirement day!
He started by punching the clock.

Roger Haugen:

What is it about the word “timing”
That resists all my efforts at rhyming?
I sit here in sorrow,
Can’t beg, steal or borrow–
I guess my poor brain just needs priming.

Tim James:

I attempted to hit on a nurse
But my timing could not have been worse.
I had started to flirt
When she jabbed me. It hurt,
Thereby causing my zeal to disperse.

Terry Marter:

When my crazy aunt hits the dance floor
Inhibitions go straight out the door.
She’ll flail and she’ll sing
To that Dave Brubeck swing,
While trying to waltz in 5/4!

Mark Totterdell:

His new jet power system, he reckoned,
Would make him a fortune. Fame beckoned.
He crouched, legs apart
And set fire to a fart
And flew forward at six miles a second.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a sleazy old wanker
For sex slightly kinky he’d hanker.
His timing was great.
He found a new date,
Who was glad he just wanted to spank her.

Bob Turvey:

1960 – a record is climbin’
The charts – and the title’s GOOD TIMIN’.
On TV, Jimmy Jones,
Prances dances and moans –
His mis-timin’s show that he’s mimin’.

Lisi Nortman:

A one an’ a two, just keep dribbling.
The coach knows what’s best, so no quibbling.
Your team’s lost the game.
And you are to blame.
You cannot just stop and start nibbling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (471)

Saturday, June 12th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

For those who think tennis is boring,
Here’s a point that you may be ignoring:
If you stay in each set,
There’s a chance you can get
An abundance of love without scoring.

Congratulations to RUDY LANDESMAN, who wins the Special TRENDs-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Rudy Landesman:

The Australian Ballet’s been in town
With a dance trend that brought on a frown.
But try to be kind,
And please keep in mind
That at home they must dance upside down.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Terry Marter, Sue Dulley, Rudy Landesman, Martin Galpin, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Steve Benko, and Mark Totterdell. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “SET or BeSET or UpSET” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREND LIMERICKS)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ll be getting a nice wash and set.
In the dryer, I’ll wear a black net,
Then use rollers each night,
Making sure that they’re tight.
(A trend I shall never forget.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SET or BeSET or UpSET”-Rhyme DIVISION)

Tim James:

Two ladies, Yvonne and Yvette,
In the sack are a perfect matched set.
They are double the fun.
And in fact, when I’m done,
I need more than just one cigarette.

Dave Johnson:

The former guy’s really upset;
His wonderful blog hasn’t met
The threshold of views
Like the one people use
To ask about finding a pet.

Terry Marter:

As dinner guests walked through the door,
My dog just threw up on the floor.
And was I upset?
Quite frankly, you bet!
Then the dog grinned and threw up some more.

Sue Dulley:

My wake-up alarm has been set.
I’ll arrive right on time, don’t you fret.
We’ll have a great hike
On that trail that you like,
But text me in case I forget.

Dave Johnson:

When cast for a porn movie fling,
An actor decided to bring
Some fun to the set;
But the laughter he’d get
Was all about one little thing.

Rudy Landesman:

That question of whether to be—
Or not, and of troubles be free,
Has never beset,
Nor ever has let
The fardels I bear bother me.

( He adds: “Fardels? Don’t ask me. Ask Shakespeare.”)

Martin Galpin:

A nurse in Ohio was set
On proving the vaccine’s a threat.
But claims it’s magnetic
Are weak and pathetic:
The key’s clearly stuck on by sweat.

(Here’s a link, for those unfamiliar with this news story.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TRENDS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman, for her “Covid Trends”

A new way of touching’s the key,
And it works for my hubby and me.
No more feelings of dread;
When we’re both in our bed,
We have sex that is fully hands-free.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Through my house, sporting bedhead, I roam.
Around noon I find toothbrush and comb.
I enjoy a loud yawn;
Later I might log on.
It’s the trend we call “working from home.”

Tim James:

“The trend is your friend”? That’s not true.
Don’t believe me? Then here’s what to do:
Read what’s trending on Twitter.
You’ll find that stuff’s fitter
For flushing, since most of it’s poo.

Steve Benko:

Today, wearing pants is old hat;
With Zoom, there is no need for that.
We can now scratch our balls
While on conference calls;
All hint of decorum’s gone ‘splat.’

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for her “The New Owner Of Coffeebucks”

“Here’s your coffee. Please don’t drink it slow.
Nothin’ like a real quick cup a joe.
Close that laptop, my friend;
We don’t care for that trend.
Your time is now up, so please go.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Whispered Adam to Eve at the end,
“I’m so glad you are MORE than a friend.”
Then the earth began quaking —
Their apple tree shaking —
And they feared they had started a trend.

Mark Totterdell:

My platform-heeled boots are like bricks,
And my high-waisted jeans (I have pics!)
Flap-flap-flap as I stride
As they’re half a yard wide.
My excuse is, it’s ’76!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (467)

Saturday, April 17th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“Free verse” was invented by hacks
Whose grasp on poetics is lax.
Without meter or rhyme,
What they write is a crime –
The law should impose a syntax.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SHEEP-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Little Bo, as she tended her sheep,
Smoked a bowl and then fell fast asleep.
Her whole flock, at high cost,
Wandered off and got lost —
While from Bo there’s been nary a Peep.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER and LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

When his fleece got too curly and twee,
Lambert bawled, “Maa! What’s happ’ning to me?”
Ewenice answered him, “Bah!
Que sera que sera —
Whatever wool be, lamb, wool be.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Dear Sjaan, this might sound a bit odd.
I’ve advice for you, (so help me God)
That lim’rik was fab,
Yet a little bit drab.
Cuz puns about sheep are so baaa-d.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Dear Lisi, I know I’ve descended
Into maaa-dness; it can’t be defended.
I have lambasted bovid —
I blame it on Covid.
Signed, Sheepish One. (No pun intended).

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Sondra Landin, Kirk Miller, Tim James, Terry Marter, Doug Harris, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Rudy Landesman, Tony Holmes, Mark Totterdell, David Friedman, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SHEEP LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

Unlike sheep, moose and elk males have racks
Known as ‘antlers’ for rutting attacks.
Ev’ry Bighorn sheep mourns:
“Why are mine just called ‘horns’
Like a trumpet, trombone and a sax?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

An accountant I know can’t relax.
He hallucinates papers in stacks.
He has tried counting sheep,
But he still can not sleep,
Due to fabled 1040 attacks.

Brian Allgar:

Oh, damn it! I’ve just popped a button!
It’s my own fault for being a glutton.
I get hunger attacks
And I need little snacks,
So I’ve gobbled a whole leg of mutton.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TAX or TACKS or ATTACKS” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Grown weary of right-wing attacks?
Here’s something to help you relax:
Experience Fox
And those radio jocks
With volume turned down to the max.

Sondra Landin:

The boy at the piano attacks
The music of Brit Arnold Bax.
He pounds and he stumbles,
Then finally grumbles,
“I’d rather be playing the sax!”

Kirk Miller:

The Venus de Milo is charming,
But some think it’s rather alarming.
Beneath shoulders she lacks
Any limbs, so attacks
Are made that the statue’s disarming.

Tim James:

Corporations avoid paying tax
While they pile up the money in stacks.
“But it’s legal!” they say
As it’s all waved away
By a phalanx of flunkies and flacks.

Brian Allgar:

The killer goes mad with an ax,
And his victims are bundled in sacks.
But none of them bleeds;
All the corpses are weeds,
The results of his garden attacks.

Terry Marter:

In my beautiful dream nothing lacks.
We drift, so relaxed, on our backs.
Then a tongue in my ear
Says reality’s here;
It’s our Dog’s friendly “Wake up!” attacks.

Doug Harris:

As through this mad life we make tracks –
Uncertainty wielding its axe,
There are two things for sure
(It’s so simple, so pure)
That you’ll shortly be dead and pay tax!

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Lizzie Borden, indicted by hacks,
For her heinous (unproven) attacks,
Is notorious still
As the goriest thrill
In one famous Museum of Whacks.

Rudy Landesman:

The op’ra’s been under attacks
In Rome, by vociferous claques.
They shout and they boo,
Throw tomatoes — that too.
What’s become of that old Roman Pax?

Tim James:

A collection of ignorant hacks
Runs around spewing stuff anti-vax.
Although prospects are dim,
We could pay for the stim
If we passed a stupidity tax.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

When I have my “insolvent attacks”
I use a great trick to relax.
I breathe into a bag,
Till I feel I will gag.
Then skedaddle right over to Saks.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SHEEP LIMERICK DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

Sid and Elsie a-shivering stood,
Sporting crew-cuts from old farmer Good.
Elsie said, “You look blue.”
Sid replied, “So will you.
I’m no longer a ram who packs wood.”

Mark Totterdell:

A cultured and civilized leopard
Ate a whole flock of sheep and their shepherd.
It did not eat them raw,
But pot-roasted, with slaw
And some garlic potatoes, well-peppered.

David Friedman:

There once was a fellow named Rand,
The horniest guy in the land;
He wore out six brides,
Twelve hookers besides,
Nine sheep, and the lines on his hand.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Take sheep dip with sugar — one lump.
Or inject it right into your rump.
It works against Covid,
Just ask any bovid.
I read this in “Cure-alls” by Trump.

Jean McEwen:

It seems I’ve been fleeced by Lee Lamb
And her parents (Ma Ewe and Dad Ram.)
’Cause their pledge of fine wool,
It turns out, was pure bull–
And I gullibly fell for their scam.

Terry Marter:

Couldn’t sleep so I picked up my pen,
But decided to practice my Zen.
Then I wondered if sheep,
(When they can’t get to sleep)
Prefer to count women or men.

Rudy Landesman:

A lamb chop, as cute as a button,
Was eaten by one greedy glutton.
Its mommy, the sheep,
No longer could sleep;
Her baby would never be mutton.

Tim James:

“On the lam from some mobsters is he,”
Said the girl, “So he can’t marry me.”
Said her dad, “Those are lies;
Pull the wool from your eyes!”
And she sheepishly had to agree.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My young son wants to nourish his brain;
Asks me questions, and some I explain.
“Is the moon made of cheese?”
And “Who built the trees?”
And “Why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?”

Kirk Miller:

The shepherd said sheepishly, “Damn!
I find that I’m in a big jam.”
And an ewe knew he’d cry
When he said with a sigh,
“The young sheep have all gone on the lam.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (465)

Saturday, March 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MARK TOTTERDELL, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Dodos died, so it’s tragic but true
That there’s nobody left now who knew
Of the shape or the length
Or olfactory strength
Of the doo-doos a dodo would do.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BUGS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Brian Allgar:

I’d begun to have sex in the grass
With the prettiest girl in my class,
When “Oh God!” cried the chick,
“What a terrible prick!”
… She’d been bitten by ants in the ass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order. (There are more than usual because it was a very strong week for entries, both in terms of quantity and quality.) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Terry Marter, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sondra Landin, Tony Holmes, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Dave Johnson, David Friedman, Gail White, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO BUGS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Now that COVID is practically through
And we’ve all had a jab — maybe two —
Can we take our guitars
And sit under the stars
As we sing (and pass round) Mountain Dew?

This old folkie’s not put off by bugs
Or by (mild) recreational drugs,
But I surely do long
To exchange — not just song,
But a thing that’s far better — real hugs!

Thomas Vincent:

Each time that I feel down and blue,
I munch on an insect or two.
Though humans like hugs,
I’ll just stick to bugs.
What else is a shrew s’pposed to do?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DO or DUE or DEW or ADO” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

When Satan came sauntering through
The salon door, the hairdresser knew
She could NOT blow him off.
So she fashioned his coif,
Thereby giving the devil his ’do.

Terry Marter:

I woke you (at quarter-to-two)
To show you I’ve written “I Do,”
And be sure you can see
That line four rhymes with three.
You can go back to sleep now – I’m through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone

A baby’s a dream that comes true.
Can’t believe my sweet girl’s almost two.
But her dad’s of no use;
He’ll use any excuse
Not to change her when she makes a doo.

Sondra Landin:

We’ve had a long friendship, we two.
In good and bad years we pulled through.
But times are a-changing;
Our needs now far-ranging.
Let’s say our adieus sans ado.

Thomas Vincent:

If you want to use something that’s new,
Try our super thick, quick-drying glue.
But take care and beware;
If applied to your hair,
You surely will rue your new do.

Tony Holmes:

How you’re greeted will give you the clue.
You’re in Britain: It’s “How do you do?”
Down in Oz, it’s “Goo’ day!”
And in Paree so gay,
It’s “Bonjour” and then “Merci beaucoup.”

In some states they say “Howdy!” (It’s true.)
In some others, “Hey ya’ll” or “Hey you.”
“How’s it hangin’?” is hip,
Though “Whassup?” has more zip,
And for Cajuns, “Bonjour” and “Adieu.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Noah boarded the beasts two-by-two —
’Twas a task the Big Boss bade him do.
He faced it, unblinking,
But couldn’t help thinking,
“The world is becoming a zoo.”

Sue Dulley:

I’m Sue. This is long overdue –
I never was born, I just grew.
So how can this be?
It was quite clear to me;
My parents were too shy to screw.

Dave Johnson:

While looking for something to do,
He dialed up a lady he knew,
Saying “Hey, I’m so bored.”
She said “Here’s your reward
For calling – now come bore me too.”

David Friedman:

There’s a raunchy giraffe at the zoo
Who shouts (as giraffes seldom do):
“If you think my neck’s long
Just look at my schlong!”
Then pisses to show that it’s true.

Gail White:

I’m claiming, without more ado,
That my Biblical visions are true,
While your foolish reliance
On reason and science
Reflects very poorly on you.

Terry Marter:

The clairvoyants’ convention was due.
They had asked us along. (We all flew.)
At Departure that night,
They all cancelled their flight,
So we cancelled ours too – wouldn’t you?!

Dave Johnson:

It came while in bed from her side;
A quiver she couldn’t quite hide.
Although they were through,
He asked “What did you do?”
“Just gave you a hand,” she replied.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BUGS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A diner, so bugged by the guy
Who waited his table, yelled “Fie!
You have managed to pour
On my lap soup du jour,
And now there’s a soup in my fly!”

Brian Allgar:

Damned mosquitoes! It isn’t the pain
That is driving me slowly insane,
But that nerve-racking whine
As they zoom in to dine
Once again, and again, and again!

Dave Johnson:

I’m puzzled what everyone sees
In purchasing items like these.
They’re blankets and such
Which I’d rather not touch
That come from a market of fleas.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

“Hey, mosquito, let’s have a nice chat.
Don’t be shy, cuz I know where you’re at.
You’ve sucked up my blood,
But I’ll be your best “bud”
If you guzzle up some of my fat.

Terry Marter:

Some beetles are bullies and thugs
That treat the less wary as mugs.
But some, bright and gay,
Go out of their way
To stop and give lady bugs hugs!

Dave Johnson:

“I’ll tell you who bugs me the most,”
She said to the afternoon host.
“It’s people you ask
About wearing a mask
Who claim that their ‘freedom’ is toast.”

“But now that the vaccines are here,
Their purpose in life becomes clear.
They scheme and design
To be there first in line;
I hope they get shot in the rear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

A pillbug, aggrieved, won’t reveal it;
When insulted, he tries not to feel it.
Called a “sow” or a “louse,”
He’ll be tempted to grouse,
But rolls up in a ball to conceal it.

Tony Holmes:

When disporting alfresco, beware!
Gnats and midges may nest in your hair.
This, in turn, makes you itch –
And that itch is a bitch.
It’s a high price to pay for fresh air.

Tim James:

Insurrectionist Klein loudly cursed:
“Damn these roaches! They’re simply the worst!
Move me out of here! Ick!”
But the roaches were quick:
They petitioned to move him out first.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (463)

Saturday, February 13th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The plumber piped up, speaking plain,
“All this crap here has blocked up your main.”
So I paid him to break
Up the clog with his snake.
But the thing fell asleep in the drain.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special BILLS-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

At the zoo, all the rents steeply rose;
Now each beast strains to pay what it owes.
Ev’ry gator and croc
Had to go into hock,
And the elephants paid through the nose.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Sondra Landin, Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Bob Turvey, Brian Allgar, Jean McEwen, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (MAIN or MANE or MAINE or DOMAIN-RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If your horse looks too drab and too plain,
Wax its saddle and stirrups and rein.
You can brush its tail too,
But whatever you do
Don’t forget to remember the mane.

Sondra Landin:

I knew a nice farm girl in Maine
Who was seeking a swain, but in vain.
She would grumble and mumble
While swiping on Bumble:
“On-line dating is barren terrain!”

Tim James:

The company’s problem was plain:
How to make a loss look like a gain?
So the numbers were cooked
And the “profits” were booked.
’Twas a nice feat of ledgerdemain.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

At “Old Biddy Hill” here on Main,
The senior folk groan and complain.
And year after year,
I repeatedly hear:
“Just who in the hell stole my cane?”

Sue Dulley:

Allan Sherman wrote home to complain
Camp was hard to endure in the rain,
But much worse for Joe Spivey
Who caught poison ivy,
And Skinner, who’s sick with ptomaine.

Bob Turvey:

An out-of-doors dancer from Maine
Once had a rough time in the rain.
A bad skid in the dance
Left a knot in his pants
And his poor penis purple with pain.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BILLS-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Tubman’s face on a twenty, that pill?”
Whines Donald, splenetic and shrill.
“It shoulda been me!”
And I almost agree –
Put his face on a three-dollar bill.

Tim James:

My proctologist hasn’t much class:
After treatments, he lets no time pass
Before sending his bill.
(Of compassion there’s nil.)
The guy’s just a pain in the ass.

Jean McEwen:

Watching bills (much like sausage) get made
May be all that it takes to persuade
Folks to roundly reject
The dumb pols they elect
And then send them right back to first grade.

Sue Dulley:

A Bill is by no means unique:
It’s a name, or a debt to pay (eek!)
Or it could be a law;
On a bird it’s the jaw
But for that there’s a better word: Beak.

Lisi Nortman:

The hooker I meet gives me thrills.
She knows all those cool naughty skills.
“Wifey” found my receipt
And screamed, “You’re a cheat!”
So now I pay Lulu in bills.

Rudy Landesman:

A person from Beverly Hills
Had frequently altered his wills.
His heirs were bereft,
For nothing was left:
The lawyers had padded their bills.

Paul Haebig:

I’ve heard of unusual wills
But nothing to top my friend Jill’s:
The language provides
For limousine rides
For her pug, and to pay all his bills!

Thomas Vincent:

A football fanatic named Stills
Who got caught with his hand in the tills
Said, “Judge, let me go
Cause I need all this dough
To pay off my Buffalo Bills.”

Brian Allgar:

“This creature is weirdly designed,
Like a beaver and otter combined,
With a bill like a duck,”
Darwin said. “WTF?
God must have been out of His mind!”

Tim James:

Mr. Dunn chases folks on the run;
At his job he is second to none.
He collects unpaid bills,
And it gives him great thrills.
Dunn has fun till he’s done with the dun.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (462)

Saturday, January 30th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

I’ve taken my dog for a treat
To the rest’rant where I often eat.
I order, and they
Lead my doggie away;
I suppose it’s to give him some meat.

They bring me my lunch in a box,
But inside, I see something that shocks.
“You have roasted my dog!”
And the waiter, agog,
Says “I thought you said ‘Beagle with lox’.”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Instruments-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A composer just lost it one day;
Now his music is hellish to play.
The percussion’s a roar,
Overwhelming the score.
It’s a cymbal of mental decay.

Congratulations to SUZANNE HEYMANN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Mary Lawks visits Scottish lake docks,
Hides smoked salmon all wrapped up in socks.
They’d be put in a box,
Padlocked tight, sunk with rocks.
Mrs. Lawks locks the lox in the lochs.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR and SUZANNE HEYMANN, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Brian Allgar:

“Grasp it firmly with both hands”, he said,
“Now get over it, lower your head,
Purse your lips, and then blow.
Ah, that’s lovely! Just so!”
… She was learning the flute – you misread?

Suzanne Heymann:

You have led us right into temptation
With your rhyme’s instrumental narration.
Your male READERS will swear
And then howl in despair
With your incomplete rare demonstration!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Sue Dulley, Sondra Landin, Sharon Neeman, Suzanne Heymann, Terry Marter, Rudy Landesman, and Paul Haebig. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LOCKS or LOX or LOCHS or LAWKS” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

Dr. Frankenstein built me a fox:
Pretty face, framed by long, lovely locks.
But he did something odd
While constructing her bod.
Let’s just say I’ll be needing two cocks.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My cousin in Ireland rocks!
All the boys used to call her “the fox.”
Now she’s back in New York,
Fin’ly left County Cork;
Couldn’t wait to have boxty and lox.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Of those sins that wash up on the rocks —
Tattered clothes, shattered toes (still in socks!) —
Horrid sights that appall,
What’s the worst one of all?
Ruined salmon that could have been lox!

Sue Dulley:

She owned oodles of jewels and frocks
And a scarf that was made from a fox.
But she never went out;
Too much trouble, no doubt
Just to style and to set all her locks.

Sondra Landin:

I needed to color my locks
And I chose a new hue from a box.
Now my hair has turned green!
I can’t let it be seen,
So I guess I’ll crawl under some rocks.

Sharon Neeman:

Monday morning, the deli boss (Fox)
Encountered the rudest of shocks:
The Sunday guy (Bridges)
Had burgled the fridges!
Fox had to replace all the lo(x)/(cks).

Tim James:

My friend, who’s a cool refined Brit,
Never curses, not even a bit.
When life deals him hard knocks
He exclaims only “Lawks!”
As for me, though, I just go with “Shit!”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (INSTRUMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

After working my bones to the max,
I go home, sit, drink wine, and relax.
When Dave Brubeck plays live,
I revive and I jive
With “Take Five” on piano and sax.

Sharon Neeman:

I asked Santa to bring me a cello,
But St. Nick only laughed: “My dear fellow,
That won’t fit in my sled;
Try this weed here, instead,
If you’re looking for smooth, rich, and mellow.”

Terry Marter:

When I write about woodwind and brass
The obvious rhyme word is “Ass.”
It’s a word I’ve reviewed,
But it’s bawdy and rude,
So I must find a word with more class.

Sue Dulley:

I love my antique-store barometer
Combined with a handy thermometer.
Three instruments, all
In one frame on the wall,
The third one, of course, a hygrometer.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Please bring me the instruments, Faye.
This stone must come out right away.
She came back with a flute
And an unfretted lute.
I think she brought in the wrong tray.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

“Since this tambourine chafes at my thumb,”
Said young Starkey, “I guess I’ll just hum.”
But the kid would go far,
And when grown be a star,
Once he ended up snaring a drum.

Rudy Landesman:

There once was a man from Bolzano,
A genius at playing the piano.
He used just one hand
On his old baby grand
And mastered it mano a mano.

Suzanne Heymann, for this 2-verser:

Learning flute was a bitch, I recall.
Before blowing air forward at all,
Both your lips have to ape
A wee hole that’s the shape
Of a diamond, agape, but still small.

I could not make that magical sound,
But in wheezes and hisses, I drowned.
Upper lip had a bump
Quite a big, fleshy lump.
Threw the flute in the dump as I frowned.

Paul Haebig, for this 2-verser:

Last winter I went to Aruba
To paddleboard, snorkel, and scuba.
When I got to the place
I’d brought the wrong case!
I had to breathe air through my tuba.

My snorkeling tuba gave pause
To the other beach-goers because
When I came up for air,
The sound said “Beware!”
It played the theme music from “Jaws.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (461)

Saturday, January 16th, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Santa pleaded and begged, and cajoled;
In response, though, his missus was bold:
“Me, get naked in here?
It’s the Arctic, my dear!”
It’s a drag when your gal is so cold.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Special Knitting, Sewing, and/or Other Needlework Crafts-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Bad news,” said the doctor, dismayed,
As the craft teacher’s X-rays displayed:
“Though the six weeks have passed,
I can’t take off your cast,
’Cause the bones haven’t knit. They’ve… crocheted!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order). Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Byron Miller, Michael Moulton, Rudy Landesman, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Tim James, Tony Holmes, Steve Benko Diane Groothuis, Konrad Schwoerke, and Suzanne Heymann. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “COLD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO KNITTING, SEWING, & OTHER NEEDLEWORK CRAFTS-Themed LIMERICKS)

Sue Dulley:

I took on a small sewing task
To make me a nice comfy mask.
So, lo and behold
Now my face isn’t cold
Anymore. (Yes, I’m old. Need you ask?)

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“COLD” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

On the stump, grumpy Trump (so it’s told),
Grumbled, “Freezing my ass off gets old.”
Maybe if he hangs tough,
He’ll end up soon enough,
In that place where it NEVER gets cold.

Byron Miller:

A lothario’s lust had gone cold
For a woman of size he’d cajoled;
Toward ecstasy driven,
All night, he had striven,
But never did find the right fold.

Sue Dulley:

She longed to wear clothes that were bold,
Even daring; risque’, truth be told,
But she really felt better
In jeans and a sweater –
It’s hard to look hot when you’re cold.

Michael P Moulton:

In an attitude scathing and cold,
Jim Jordan, a self-righteous scold,
Said our founders would never
Back closures; however,
They’re dead, so they cannot be polled.

Rudy Landesman:

America, we have been told,
Has streets that are all lined with gold.
That’s small consolation
For those in our nation
Who huddle and freeze in the cold.

Lisi Nortman, for her “The Seven Dwarfs”

Mr. Grumpy could not be controlled.
Mr. Bashful would always withhold
His longing for friends
And trying new trends.
And Sneezy, of course, had a cold.

Mr. Happy was cheerful and bold.
He couldn’t wake Sleepy, (I’m told.)
Mr. Dopey was thick.
Doc cured all the sick
Except Sneezy, who still had that cold.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (KNITTING, SEWING, & OTHER NEEDLEWORK CRAFTS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

A stitch in time (some say) saves nine,
Which doesn’t quite rhyme, but that’s fine.
So before it gets worse
I will sew up this verse
Just by adding this fifth and last line.

Tim James:

I resolved to give knitting a try,
But I’m clumsy. It all went awry.
I got tangled in yarn
And — oh heck and gosh darn —
A needle near put out my eye.

Tony Holmes:

Manly knitting – what might that entail?
Knitting socks while you languish in jail?
Or at sea, while you pitch?
Careful! Don’t drop that stitch!
Never mind that it’s blowing a gale.

Steve Benko:

Said young Betsy, “Oh, George, please don’t nag,
For I’m almost done sewing your flag.
Now, as for my fee,
Sir, O say can you see
I’m a widow in need of a shag?”

Diane Groothuis:

I took up my needle and thread
To make a nice hat for my head.
But my greatest faux pas
In these times was, by fah,
A baseball cap colored bright red.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Jack, a drunkard, fell splitting his head,
But Jill fixed him with needle and thread.
Both his trauma was mended
And drinking was ended
When she stitched the fool’s scalp to the bed.

Suzanne Heymann:

Some ladies’ club held in a barn
Would embroider, knit, sew, crochet, darn.
Their gossip manure
Made them look immature,
But those grannies could sure spin a yarn!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (460)

Saturday, January 2nd, 2021

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SJAAN VANDENBROEDER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I just giggle at gaggles of geese,
And find slithers of snakes mere caprice;
But if you produce moose
Too profuse — running loose —
I will shriek, “Help! Police! We’ve got meese!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special ART-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A photographer said, “While it’s true
I take pictures of folks as they screw,
It’s a form of pure art.
It shows love, warmth, and heart.”
Yeah, my lim’ricks are “poetry,” too.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tony Holmes, Brian Allgar, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Sue Dulley, Paul Haebig, Byron Miller, Fred Bortz, Roger Haugen, Kirk Miller, Dave Johnson, and Terry Marter. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO ART LIMERICKS)

Tony Holmes:

When the world closes in, I vamoose
And take refuge. Surrounded by spruce,
I reflect on my art
Till it’s time to depart,
As I’m only a part-time recluse.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“MOUSSE or MOOSE or VAMOOSE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

After tests, Donald’s doctors deduce
There’s a brain, but it isn’t much use.
From the scan, they surmise
It’s the color and size
Of a teaspoon of chocolate mousse.

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

For those lovers of custard out there,
Here’s a dieting tip I must share:
If you fear too much mousse
May enlarge your caboose,
Eat just half. Put the rest in your hair.

Tim James:

Her hair was long, lovely, and loose;
Then she teased it and slicked it with mousse.
The new ’do, sad to say,
Drove her boyfriend away.
Perhaps ’twas the color: chartreuse.

Sue Dulley:

I have stopped using hairspray and mousse.
They never were very much use.
My hair is unruly,
But really and truly
Who cares, since I’m now a recluse.

Paul Haebig:

This kitchen! There’s nothing of use!
I wanted to make choc’late mousse.
And I really was keen
To cook some tagine,
But there’s only enough to make cous.

Byron Miller:

“Need a bull who fits tightly, not loose,”
Sighs a cow in the mood for a goose.
Thinking kosher – no hoods,
She traverses the woods
On her search for a certain-sized moose.

Fred Bortz:

He called her “My precious papoose.”
She laughed and replied, “Silly goose.”
But romance went awry.
When they snuggled, the guy
Got so hot that he smelled like a moose.

Roger Haugen:

He tried and he tried, but no use —
“I can’t finish this great Christmas goose.”
But a little dessert
He thought wouldn’t hurt,
As he plowed through his third choc’late mousse.

Brian Allgar:

They’d gone hunting, but due to disuse,
Eric’s grip on the trigger was loose,
And he shot brother Don,
Who’s now mounted upon
A gold plaque that was meant for a moose.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ART LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Andy Warhol, the Campbell Soup man,
Produced pop-art peeved pundits would pan:
“It won’t pass!” “It’s absurd!”
“He’s so crass!” They concurred.
Still, he wouldn’t stop painting his can.

Fred Bortz:

A critic who hates bold abstraction
Expresses his dissatisfaction:
“You’d have to be bollocks
To say Jackson Pollocks
Display a deliberate action.”

Kirk Miller:

When the art teacher did a critique
Of my work, my art future looked bleak.
And I listened with dread
When the art teacher said
To brush up on my painting technique.

Dave Johnson:

Bill’s stint – posing naked for art
Got off to a glorious start
When he debuted his ass
At the newly-filled class
By launching a tear-gassing fart.

Terry Marter, for his “Performance Art”

A performer we went out to see,
Hurled a boom’rang past row 43.
He said “Will it come back?”
A big guy at the back
Yelled “It Will if it Fuckin’ hits ME!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (335)

Saturday, January 4th, 2020

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said the poet, “My limericks veer
Towards the nasty and smutty, I fear.”
Upon saying this, he
Grinned lasciviously.
That’s the reason he’s called Edward Leer.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Special SNOW-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

You can say what you like about snow,
Like, “Oh, Bugger!” and “Pack up and go!”
You can shout yourself hoarse.
It ignores you, of course.
Were I you, I’d just go with the floe.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Sue Dulley, Sjaan VandenBroeder, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Suzanne Heymann, Daisy Hyrkas, Tanja Cilia Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, and Shaneka Antwanette Murphy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SNOW LIMERICKS)

Dave Johnson:

The weather outside – so severe;
With snow piling up far and near.
But lovers aglow
By the fireplace know
That a heat wave is imminent here.

Brian Allgar:

“Them scientists? Listen up, folks –
They’re eggheads who don’t have no yolks.
The cold is severe,
It’s snowing right here,
And that proves global warming’s a hoax.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I’ve written the “Song Of The Year.”
(Wasn’t easy; one must persevere.)
It’s a cute little ditty
And also quite witty:
“Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Just Not Here.”

Sue Dulley:

Dear Mad: Though I still persevere,
My muse has now left me, I fear.
Where I once was snowed under
With rhymes, now I wonder:
What caused that sweet snow storm to clear?

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“VEER/SEVERE/REVERE/PERSEVERE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sjaan VandenBroeder says:

Cried Sisyphus, “I’ll persevere!
I’ll inch this rock higher, don’t fear!
But then I must stop,
For if I reach the top,
What the hell will I do all next year?”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone, for this Acrostic Limerick:

A vehicle sometimes will veer
Left or right, when you don’t even steer!
It might well get you scared.
Go and have it repaired;
Now it’s safer. Get back into gear.

Tim James:

Here in Camelot, Queen Guinevere
Has discovered some boils on her rear.
In our kingdom, we’ve found,
Splendid doctors abound.
They’ve been using the lance a lot here.

Jean McEwen:

In my limericks, often, I’ll veer
From one line to the next, making sheer
Nonsense verse — which, though terse,
Gets more dopey and worse
By the line. (I am no Edward Lear.)

Suzanne Heymann:

It’s sometimes quite hard to revere
A priest who administers fear
And who’s almost controlled
All the sheep; the blind fold
Who believe he’s their shepherd, so dear.

Tim James:

Said the trollop to Mrs. Revere,
“Paul’s out shouting to all, far and near.
The resistance is humming:
‘The British are coming!’
That’s true; I’ve been bedding them, dear.”

Sjaan VandenBroeder:

Alone in his garret all year,
Van Gogh from his canvas might veer
To his one lonely chair,
Where he’d say to the air:
“Is there no one who’ll lend me an ear?”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SNOW LIMERICK DIVISION)

Daisy Hyrkas:

The village is dusted with snow.
It emits a quaint holiday glow.
Such sights can deceive;
It is now Christmas Eve,
And Santa is jacked up on blow.

Tanja Cilia:

When the heavens are sending us snow,
Which turns the earth white down below,
I retreat to my cave.
I’m not one to be brave;
When the sun comes back out, let me know.

Jean McEwen:

Don’t be snowed! Does it not seem suspicious
When Kellogg’s proclaims they’re “nutritious?”
Frosted Flakes just won’t fuel
You like mom’s oatmeal gruel.
(Though they taste, I’ll admit, more delicious.)

Lisi Nortman:

To snowboard is terribly tough;
As you slide, it is slipp’ry and rough.
’Twas invented by jerks
With very strange quirks
Who feel skiing’s not lethal enough.

Tony Holmes:

Politicians and weathermen sin!
They can lie through their teeth and still grin.
They will tell us: “Black’s white,”
“There’ll be no snow tonight.”
And whatever the outcome, they’ll spin.

Lisi Nortman, who tells us that her acrostic limerick was inspired by Robert Frost’s
“A Patch Of Old Snow.”

From a distance, I looked down below,
Reflecting on times long ago.
Over hills, near a brook,
Spots of grime overtook
The beauty of winter’s lush snow.

Shaneka Antwanette Murphy:

My kids want another snow day,
But this surely will NOT be okay;
On snow you may trip
And fracture your hip.
So I said to them, “There-is-snow-way!”

Tim James:

I heard Frosty the Snowman assert
He was tough and he couldn’t be hurt.
When I kicked him “down there”
His loud scream rent the air.
Who says snowballs are hard and inert?

Dave Johnson:

It’s snowing again – what a treat;
Then it melts in the afternoon heat.
And day after day,
It’s always this way.
(This dreamworld of mine can’t be beat!)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (319)

Sunday, April 7th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick:

Tough love may be fine when you’re grown,
But for children, best leave it alone;
If you raise kids or chard
With a heart that is hard,
You will soon reap just what you have sown.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special DIVORCE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A newlywed couple I know
Will divorce in a few weeks or so.
What’s the cause of their split?
He’s not yet found her clit.
If he can’t make her come, then she’ll go.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Brian Allgar:

Said King Henry, “I’m dying to wed
Anne Boleyn – she gives really great head.
So first I must ditch
My last wife – frigid bitch!
But the Pope says ‘You’re married till dead.'”

“I’ve begged him until I am hoarse,
But he simply won’t budge. Well, of course,
I am nobody’s dope –
I’ve outsmarted the Pope
By inventing a thing called ‘Divorce.'”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Reddekopp, Steve Benko, Margie Nairn, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Robert Schechter, Roger Haugen, Jean McEwen, Kat Irving and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“GROWN or GROAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

When ice cream is sold in a cone
That can’t hold a scoop on its own,
Let alone two or three
I’ll say “Kids’ size for me,”
And ignore how much up I have grown.

David Reddekopp:

I’ve made lim’ricks an art all my own
And as time has gone on, it has shown
That my poetry runs
With many more puns
As my lim’rick collection has groan.

Steve Benko:

My children are now fully grown,
But I still don’t much care for their tone.
By me they’re embarrassed,
And visits? The rarest,
Except when in need of a loan.

Margie Nairn:

She hopped from the bed with a groan:
“Where’s that condom? It seems to have flown!”
“Don’t be daft,” said her mate.
“But please rush! Oops, too late,”
He said with a smile and a moan.

Tim James:

A misogynist let out a groan
At how “ugly” he found an old “crone.”
No one’s told the big creep
Beauty’s only skin deep;
As for stupid, that goes to the bone.

Brian Allgar:

When Trump showed the hooker his bone,
She giggled. “Think THAT can be blown?”
Returning his dough,
She said “You’d better go –
Come back when your dick’s fully grown.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

That document sure made me groan;
It’s wording, to me, was unknown.
So I saw Rabbi Hunt,
And he read back to front.
Then explained The Reverse Mortgage Loan.

Dave Johnson:

A stripper club dancer is known
To bring down the house on her own.
Her circle of fans
Never sit on their hands;
She’s seen how its members have grown.

Robert Schechter:

A pun’s like a seedling that’s sown,
So fragile, its future’s unknown.
Most die in the ground,
But sometimes it’s found
That a pun will survive till full groan.

Roger Haugen:

The athlete delivered a groan
When struck in the crotch by a stone;
Like all macho jocks
He’s proud of his rocks:
“They’re the most precious things that I own.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DIVORCE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

He’s made off with the dogs and the house,
Yet he still feels empowered to grouse
That I wouldn’t condone
His crass cheating (well known)–
As if I, and not he, were the louse.

Robert Schechter:

Our love for each other was true.
We were married. Our love only grew.
But the day she said “MAGA!”
Our amorous saga
Was over. Our marriage was through.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

For years I was suff’ring with grief.
I’ll tell you my story, real brief:
I got wed (then remorse),
So I got a d-i-v-o-r-c-e,
And that is how I spelled relief.

Steve Benko:

Said Henry the Eighth, “My new church
Leaves no man with a plan in the lurch.
If your wife gives you grief,
You can turn a new leaf
And be free while for pussy you search.”

Kat Irving:

He cried when the judge looked his way.
“Divorce me?” he groaned in dismay.
Then the judge wiped his tear
With my checkbook. It’s clear
That my Ex won the jackpot that day.

Kirk Miller:

Though both of the Cyclops did try
Hard to make marriage work, theirs did die;
Said the new divorcee,
“We just couldn’t agree
At all. Didn’t see eye to eye.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (292)

Saturday, February 17th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m skinny, a virtual rail,
And I tip one-fifteen on the scale.
People say, “You should eat!
Try some wholesome white meat!”
But at chicken and turkey I quail.

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Winter Olympics-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The judge from each country inspects
Every move that the couple selects
For their dance on the ice.
So they heed this advice:
You can win if you simulate sex.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Sue Dulley, Brian Allgar, Bob Dvorak, Michael Moulton, Sharon Neeman, Nancy Stanley, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, Scott Crowder, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIL/DERAIL RHYME DIVISION)

Craig Dykstra:

Please forgive me a bit while I rail
’Bout this nasty new veggie called kale.
But I cook mine in oil,
So it takes much less toil
To scrape from the pan to the pail.

Sue Dulley:

A towel may hang on a rail.
A picture may hang on a nail.
When you’re in your car
Driving home from the bar,
A police car may hang on your tail.

Brian Allgar:

On a windy day, out for a sail,
The Donald fell over the rail.
Well, the sharks came to sniff,
But they all took one whiff
And then fled from this foul-smelling whale.

Craig Dykstra:

He got caught making love with a male
And got run out of town on a rail.
Their affair was taboo,
But what else can you do
When in love with a poodle named Dale?

Bob Dvorak:

They don’t do “it” while traveling by rail,
Nor on airplanes, nor under a sail.
Says the woman, with woe,
“In and out? To and fro?
Proper motion gets lost in the male.”

Mike Moulton:

Donald Trump likes to rant and to rail
’Bout UrAsia’s uranium sale,
But it’s simply bad acting
In hopes of distracting
His base with another tall tale.

Sharon Neeman:

Allow me a moment to rail:
Doritos is way off the trail.
Launching quieter chips
For the ladies’ sweet lips
Is a sexist, predictable fail.

Nancy Stanley:

Yes, we’re all getting used to the tale:
The Prez thinks he’s SO ‘Alpha Male.’
But from his tweeting fingers,
There’s no doubt that lingers;
His crazy train’s gonna derail.

Dave Johnson:

When hiking, we know of a trail
So steep, they provided a rail.
It’s handy and nice;
Such a thoughtful device,
If you hate sliding down on your tail.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (WINTER OLYMPICS LIMERICK DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

The officials won’t cut any slack;
If you cheat, you’ll be catching some flack.
You’re a dope if you dope
And you haven’t a hope.
And your medal? Well, nope, give it back!

Scott Crowder:

The skaters will glide on the ice,
Routines well-rehearsed and precise,
And we shall embrace,
All the beauty and grace.
Yet, ev’ry four years will suffice.

Sharon Neeman:

Here’s a Winter O. sports list for me:
Drinking contests — hot chocolate and tea;
Carpool driving in hail;
Dash through snow for the mail;
Pairs of socks worn at once (I’ve scored three!)

Tim James:

The Olympic to-do won’t abate;
To the hype, though, I just can’t relate.
They can luge, sled and ski,
But it means naught to me.
When it comes on the telly, I skate.

Sue Dulley’s Slopestyle:

Your snowboard must glide down a rail
And then over a cliff-edge you sail.
With your mitt you must grip
Your board’s edge; spin and flip,
Neatly land without fail, then exhale.

Dave Johnson:

Last winter and how it was spent:
The snow always came – never went.
Our shovels we’d fill,
But the driveway was still
A downhill Olympic event.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (288)

Saturday, December 23rd, 2017

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to MIKE SHULMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this limerick:

A wicked and goatish old coot,
Although brazen and horny to boot,
Had along with his gumption,
Erectile dysfunction,
Which rendered his naughtiness moot.

Congratulations to STEVE WHITRED, who wins the Special HYPOCRISY-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick:

Steve Whitred:

They hate trannies with all of their might,
Think that heaven is straight, male, and white,
Claim they’re children of god,
But then give Trump the nod;
They’re the smug sanctimonious right.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Kathleen Bartoletti, Steve Whitred, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Ann Martin, Sue Dulley, and Brian Allgar. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOOT” RHYME DIVISION)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

“Your disease, I’m afraid, is acute,”
Said the doc, “and all treatment is moot;
Here’s my bill, pay it fast,
For odds are you won’t last
Long enough to lace up that tall boot.”

Steve Whitred:

There was an old gal in a boot
Who had children. Their number is moot.
Gave them broth and some bread,
Sent them straight off to bed,
Then exchanged them on eBay for loot.

Tim James:

The new intern was really quite cute,
And the boss copped a feel, the old brute.
Then a well-aimed right boot
Put a dent in his glute.
And the shiner she gave him? A beaut!

Dave Johnson:

She married a wealthy, old coot,
Who’s gruff as the sole of a boot.
Asked why, she’d contend:
“I’m just helping him spend
Some quality time with his loot.”

Ann Martin:

There are people who don’t give a hoot
For our planet, but choose to pollute;
As we wade through the flood
With our shoes caked in mud,
Let’s give those old Trumpsters the boot!

Sue Dulley:

In Britain, the “trunk” is the “boot.”
The “hood” is the “bonnet.” (How cute!)
They burn “petrol.” Not “gas!”
“Overtake,” never “pass”
While the “horn” (still a “horn”) goes “toot-toot.”

They sit in the rightmost front seat
To cruise the left side of the street.
When they drive a new route
First their “sat nav” they boot,
Then shift gears using clutches and feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (HYPOCRISY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Health or wealth? Dr. Carson has both,
And his bank account shows healthy growth.
Why are homeless folk crying
And sick people dying?
The Doc’s hypocritical oath.

Dave Johnson:

The minister started to yell:
“You sinners are going to Hell!”
That night at the ranch,
To a madam named Blanche,
He asked “Where is that sweet Annabelle?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!