Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: CUE or QUEUE at the end of any one line (Submission Deadline: January 18, 2020)
It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.
I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using CUE or QUEUE at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)
The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)
Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to SIN, using any rhyme word. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best SIN-related limerick.
How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)
I’ll announce the winners on January 19, 2020, right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, January 18, 2020 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)
Here’s my CUE/QUEUE-rhyme limerick:
A teenager caught playing pool
After ducking out early from school,
Cut classes anew
The next day — right on cue.
And was handed a dunce cap and stool.
And here’s my SIN-themed limerick:
Show me someone who never feels guilt,
And I’ll bet that he sins to the hilt,
That his attitude’s cocky,
His love life is rocky —
Wilted conscience all muddied with silt.
Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.
To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!
Tags: Competition Limerick, Conscience Limerick, Education Limerick, Guilt Humor, Guilt Limerick, Limerick Challenge, Limerick Contest, Poetry & Prompts, Pool Humor, School Humor, Writing Prompts
Ev’ry single time I think of you
I feel wretched and terribly blue
You’re a sickening guy
And the reason that I
Got the part, cause I cry right on cue
My sin themed Limerick:
There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother
Are you bad if you cultivate vice?
Can’t a person be naughty and nice?
Virtue’s life yields rewards
Quite unknown to the bawds,
But the naughty prefer theirs with spice.
“Oh, I tried to be virtuous – twice –
Then I gave myself over to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me;
I was bound, now I’m free;
If you call me, I’m there in a trice.”
Being Dad
“No good deed goes unpunished, they say,
Which has caused some to question the way.
‘If I’m good, but life’s bad,
Why keep trying, eh Dad?’
It’s at moments like this that I pray.”
“Oh, no, no, I have no need of spice!
I’m for virtue, and goodness, not vice.
Is it dull? Not at all!
We, the Good, have a ball –
And we sing quite a lot, which is nice.”
“Just how strict is this Santa Claus, Dad?
And just how does he know I’ve been bad?
You don’t give him the dope,
Do you, Pa? I would hope
Not, or I should tell Mum about Glad’.”
“Just how strict is this Santa Claus, Dad?
And just how does he know I’ve been bad?
If you give him the dope –
Which you wouldn’t, I’d hope –
Then I’d have to tell Mum about Glad’.”
Another resolution gone west.
“Oh, I tried to be virtuous – thrice –
Then I caved and surrendered to vice.
Goodness wasn’t for me;
I was bound, now I’m free;
If it’s naughty, no need to ask twice.”
This is for Brits who see discarded drinks containers discarded within feet of a trash can.
Selling energy drinks is a sin
Kids don’t recycle the tin
Boosting caffeine and sugars
When the poor little buggers
Have trouble in reaching the bin
The abbess was lecturing sinners
On how virgins would always be winners
But in visits twice nightly
Monks were lifting her nightie
She was having more cock than hot dinners
a variation of same theme of “cue”
Whenever I think about you
I always feel lonely and blue
Since you told me “Goodbye”
It’s the reason that I
Got the part, cause I cry right on cue
There was a young lass from Anstruther
Who had an affair with her brother
The result of this link
Was a short spell in clink
And a daughter whose Aunt was her Mother
Is wanting you so, a great sin?
I fantasize you, I can’t win.
You’re another gal’s guy,
I give out a big sigh.
My happiness in a tailspin.
Fossil fuels destroy the climate, who knew?
The troll sat there, grasped just what to do.
The scientists gave their facts,
Disparaged corporate contracts.
The fool stood up, screamed, “Fake news!” right on cue.
As Cole Porter Once Wrote:
I have got you right under my skin
You’re so hot, I can’t wait to begin
I shall now strip you bare
But don’t be in despair
Cuz I get real good wages of sin
Dr. Colon had “more than a few”
Yet he said he still knew what to do
But I still can recall
When I spit out a ball
As he searched round and round with a cue
A prompt for a line is a cue,
and a queue is a line for the loo.
A stick to shoot pool,
a cotton-tipped tool,
an O with a tail–now I’m through.
Oops!
Mad: Could you please delete my last request, because I had it wrong.
This is how I wanted the limerick to sound:
Dr. Colon had “more than a few”
Yet he said he still knew what to do
But I still can recall
When I spit out a ball
As he poked back and forth with a cue
******
Done.
“We’ve all gone commercial, ‘round here;
Economics dictating, I fear.
What you see has its price,
And it’s priced to entice,
So, let’s get down to business, my dear.”
Said the Chinaman, stroking his queue,
“You wan’ free firty-four and one two?”
Then said, “Wot about rice?
You wan’ twenee-two twice?
I put portion prawn cracker for you.”
Division Of Motor Vehicles
The DMV sucks, WOW! so true!
Listen closely, cuz I’m telling you:
You wait there forever
It’s quite an endeavor
(There are skeletons right in the queue)
Mama said, “Don’t sit on a boy’s lap
You’ll get pregnant, it’s one nasty trap”
But I fine’ly gave in
Even though ’twas a sin
Now it’s time for my sweet baby’s nap
I HATE standing out in a queue,
To ponder what else to accrue,
I guess I’m too antsy,
It don’t fit my fancy,
To wait for my turn, how ‘bout you???
Getting hit in the head by a cue
Guaranteed to come-up black and blue,
Is quite bad for your brain,
And for sure there’s great pain,
From this badly played billiard boo boo.
Then, when he got the cue
He knew exactly just what to do.
Whilst their backs were turned
He did just what he’d learned
Then fled before his cover blew.
In the Press the next day,
A small article did say
That a MacDonald’s queue
Was sprayed with some goo,
But what type they didn’t say.
Our group does it for kicks,
Playing mean and nasty tricks,
And we pay it no mind
That people think they’re unkind,
As that’s how we get our fix.
EDITED version- Please delete previous one.
Fossil fuels cause climate change, who knew?
The troll sat there, grasped just what to do.
The scientists gave their facts,
Decried corporate contracts.
He stood up, screamed, “Fake news!” right on cue.
We were going to pursue
A path of unblemished virtue,
But part way along
Something went wrong
And ended up right in the stew.
For those who are fans of Trump’s run
and wish they could join in the fun,
I hear World War Three is due,
Get in the draft queue!
(but put your child in the front as plus-one)
We in Britain, conditioned to queue,
By and large, take the tolerant view.
We will tend to ignore
Flagrant breaches of law,
But Sir Queue-Jumper – woe betide you!
Not Really A Sin
It really is not a transgression
To covet your neighbor’s possession
Cuz if YOU buy a car
You certainly are
Helping to stamp out recession
At the “All You Can Eat Today Inn”
The owners could not seem to win
Right near “Bibles And More”
They just couldn’t score
Due to gluttony being a sin
You’ve Been Warned!
“You should never make jokes about sin!
Don’t you know how much trouble you’re in?
Cock a snook, if you dare,
But, Oh, Sinner, Beware!
For that ice you are skating is thin.”
Sins can venal or cardinal be,
Which is irksome, if sinner, like me,
Would so like to transgress,
But, compelled to confess,
Would thus struggle to do it guilt-free.”
Sins can venal or cardinal be,
Which is irksome, if sinner, like me,
You’d so like to transgress,
But, compelled to confess,
Would thus struggle to do it guilt-free.”
Sorry about that.
From cow speak, we must take our cue,
and translate “Don’t eat me!” from “Moo.”
and when old horses say
with a snort, “Neigh! Neigh! Neigh!”
we must picket all plants that make glue.
There once was a bully named Doodle
Who thought he would horse ride a poodle
The pup bucked like a mule
Tossed him in a pool
And he ended up riding a noodle!
“I’m tired of these limericks,” I said!
The rhythm is stuck in my head!
Although they’re on cue,
With limericks, I’m through!
I’d rather write Haikus instead!
There was quite an inordinate queue
Impatient to see “Doc” Mc Hugh
The nurse said, “Won’t be long
Please try to be strong
Under par he is trying to do”
a variation on limerick number #1 to make more sense
‘Twas real helpful to think about you
Though you made me so terribly blue
You’re a sickening guy
Yet the reason that I
Got the part, cuz I cry right on cue
At the wedding, the groom is one who
Uttered swear words he later did rue.
And the words he did spew
Were just two, right on cue.
And the swear words he said were, “I do.”
an improvement from 11:16 am today “Sin”
It really is not a transgression
To covet your neighbor’s possession
If you buy that same car
You certainly are
Helping to stamp out recession
Trump, you murderous clod,
Who gave you the power of God?
Do you now understand
You have death on your hand
Putting Soleimani under the sod.
A Twofer?
“Jumping line, reprehensible act,
Is the grossest perversion of tact.
The respect for the queue,
And one’s place, is a due,
And transgressors deserve to be whacked.” (Think ‘Goodfellas’.)
The Seven Deadly … Nuber Six:
“Oh, that face! Oh, so sweet and demure!
Don’t believe for a moment she‘s pure!
In an attic somewhere,
There’s a portrait, I swear,
That would sabotage all that allure.”
That should, of course, be number.
The Seven Deadly … Number One:
“Gladys Trimble excited my lust,
With the flagrant misuse of her bust.
She exposed it to view –
I was next in the queue –
And caught sight of one nipple, not two.”
(Another twofer?)
The Seven Deadly … Number Two:
“I’m six hundred and ten, give or take,
And my staple is coconut cake.
I eat greens, once a week,
Helps me stay at my peak,
Though it’s more for appearances sake.”
Number Two:
“I’m six hundred and ten, give or take,
And my staple is coconut cake.
I eat greens, once a week,
Helps me stay at my peak,
Though it’s more for appearances’ sake.”
Forgot the apostrophe.
The Seven Deadly … Number Three:
“One should always have more than one needs;
It’s the sine qua non of all creeds.
Gather much, it’s your right,
Count your profit each night,
As when wisely invested, it breeds.”
The Seven Deadly … Number Four:
“Indolence is a sin? Oh, no way!
Why would guys go to work every day?
All that effort – for what?
If you stay in one spot
Someone else will deliver. Why stray?”
The Seven Deadly … Number Five:
“Jumping line, reprehensible act,
Is the grossest perversion of tact.
The respect for the queue,
And one’s place, is a due,
And transgressors deserve to be whacked!”
(Unless I thionk of something else.)
The Seven Deadly … Number Seven:
“I have ridden men down, it is true,
But, so what? It was merely their due.
For a man such as I,
Normal rules don’t apply;
I abide by the dictum, ‘Screw you!’”
(Disclaimer: This limerick should not, under any circumstances, be interpreted as representing my own attitude or disposition, which is, at all times – yes, even under duress – the very epitome of all-round loveliness. Thank you.)
The Seven Deadly …
Number One:
“Gladys Trimble excited my lust,
With the flagrant misuse of her bust.
She exposed it to view,
I was next in the queue,
And had sight of one nipple, not two.”
Number Two:
“I’m six hundred and ten, give or take,
And my staple is coconut cake.
I eat greens, once a week,
Helps me stay at my peak,
Though it’s more for appearances’ sake.”
Number Three:
“One should always have more than one needs;
It’s the sine qua non among creeds.
Gather much, it’s your right,
Count your profit each night,
As when wisely invested, it breeds.”
Number Four:
“Indolence is a sin? Oh, no way!
Why would guys go to work every day?
All that effort – for what?
If you stay in one spot
Someone else will deliver. Why stray?”
Number Five:
“Jumping line, reprehensible act,
Is the grossest perversion of tact.
The respect for the queue,
And one’s place, is a due,
And transgressors deserve to be whacked!”
Number Six:
“Oh, that face! Oh, so sweet and demure!
Don’t believe for a moment she‘s pure!
In an attic somewhere,
There’s a portrait, I swear,
That would sabotage all that allure.”
Number Seven:
“I have ridden men down, it is true,
But, so what? It was merely their due.
For a man such as I,
Normal rules don’t apply;
I abide by the dictum, ‘Screw you!’”
The Seven Deadly … Number One:
“Gladys Trimble excited my lust,
With the flagrant misuse of her bust.
She exposed it to view,
I was next in the queue,
And the sight of it drove me to musth.”
I can only apologise – I was distracted by the subject matter. LOL
“By and large I take life in my stride,
But there’s one thing I will not abide!
I expect, when I queue,
The respect I am due,
It’s not something I ever let slide.”
“It’s the guilt that is hardest to bear;
But for that I could sin without care.
It’s all Freud’s fault, of course.
Did he feel no remorse –
Leaving us with this burden to bare?”
EVERYONE! can relate to this !
At “Low Price” there won’t be a queue
They’ve added more aisles to go through
Well, now we are here
But I’m not filled with cheer
Cuz all that are open are two
Here’s my timely limerick using “cue”. You choose your favorite last line.
The prez must have acted on cue
Then tweeted with much ballyhoo…
Soleimani — he picked him
His drone struck the victim
T’was “perfect” from Trump’s point of view.
Stand back and watch mayhem ensue.
Trump thinks this is still Word War II.
This murder is just a preview.
“It’s the guilt that is hardest to bear;
But for that I could sin without care.
It’s all Freud’s fault, of course,
But did he feel remorse,
When he left us this burden to bare?”
An improvement, I think.
“Ah, confession! So good for the soul.
Clear the record and make yourself whole!”
‘This would seem good advice;
But a word to the weise,
It’s a dead cert’ to score an own goal?’
Catching Up On Your Reading
At the food store, when there’s a long queue
Here’s something real cool you can do
Read “People” and “Elle”
They’re both really swell
And you won’t have to pay for them too!
“Should you find yourself stuck in a queue;
There’s so much that a body can do.
One can chat, if inclined,
Or if not, never mind;
People watching will entertain, too.”
You could be forgiven for thinking that I’ve copied from Lisi, but it ain’t so! (No, I don’t believe me, either.)
No Copying, Tony! (LOL)
“Sin”
The confessional sure ain’t a treasure
The priest always balks at your “leisure”
Cuz he’s mostly for pain
And real big on “abstain”
And you’re always pushin’ for pleasure
I didn’t – honest! XOXO
“When you’re busting to go to the loo,
And you find, ‘Bloody Hell! There’s a queue!’
Do you think, ‘Rules are rules!’
Or, ‘Please stand aside, fools!’
Or say, ‘Spin on this, girls!’ and push through?”
You’ve all seen enough Brit TV to know what a ‘Loo’ is – I’m going to assume. And no, I’m not sexist. There is always a much longer queue at the ‘Ladies’ than at the gents. We’re less complicated.
From One Who Lives Apart From The World
“One can learn quite a lot in a queue,
Though one questions how much can be true.
The best news that I’ve heard –
And I give you my word –
Is that Clinton’s retired now – who knew?”
A. Hermit
“From one vantage point, virtues entice,
And appear more attractive than vice.
Virtue suffers; it burns
To grow brighter by turns,
Whereas naughty can never suffice.”
I was feeling guilty for all the – they might be so interpretted -‘Pro’ naughiness limericks I’ve posted. My only regret is that the ‘Pro’ ones – damn them! – are funnier.
“Sin”
True “Honor” we know should be earned
Throughout life, that is what we’ve all learned
But if mother and father
With you do not bother
Try another Commandment. Adjourned.
“Sin”
Don’t covet another man’s wife
The Bible says it can cause strife
But “covet” is thinking
And not even winking
Some Commandments don’t merge with real life
“Pace of life in a village is slow,
And the line will be equally so.
It’s about what is new,
Not your place in the queue,
And about being kept in the know.”
Changed ‘Have’ to ‘Take’.
The Seven Deadly … Number Three:
“One should always take more than one needs;
It’s the sine qua non among creeds.
Gather much, it’s your right,
Count your profit each night,
As when wisely invested, it breeds.”
Trump was given his cue,
But he froze, “What do I do?”
Then in his longest ad lib
He proceeded to fib
Saying about three thousand and two.
I could say I’m sorry, I tried
I really did try, but I lied,
I learned in my youth
To be sparse with the truth
And it’s now ingrained deep inside.
A wild, wily widower, Will,
On a lark, once went cuckoo for Jill.
These birds of a feather
Played sex games together,
And the cardinal sin fit the bill.
The Seven Deadly … Number One:
“Gladys Trimble excited my lust,
With the flagrant misuse of her bust.
She exposed it to view,
I was next in the queue,
And the sight of it triggered the musth.”
Sorry, I’m never satisfied.
My bananas were greenish in hue
But I waited so long in the queue
That when I checked out
There sure was no doubt
They were yellow and ready to chew
I stood in the queue with distress
While hoping to have some success
My church is unique
Has a speedy technique
With a line for just “10 sins or less”
A city devoted to sin
Will ply you with vodka and gin.
But when sliding your chips
After too many sips,
Some joker is cashing them in.
Her pool game – they started to mock it;
That shy little girl with a locket.
But, grabbing a cue,
She knew what to do;
Keep blasting their balls in the pocket.
The tenor, forgetting his cue,
Created a royal to-do;
What flub could be worse
Than losing one’s verse,
If I may respectfully asqueue?
What’s “original sin”? I’ve been thrown
By the studies I’ve done on my own.
Because try as I might,
I just can’t get it right:
All my sins are already well-known.
Ev’ry Christmas we have a dispute
‘Fore the company comes, I say ‘SCOOT!”
“I’ve told you before!
“And I’ll tell you once more!
“Adam, please stay away from the fruit!”
The E.R. had quite a long queue
The patients were sick and so blue
My greeter said, “Please
Suppress that loud sneeze
And your cough is disturbing me too”
A brothel out there on the prairie
Is where clientele should be wary.
To those who go in
For a big taste of sin;
It could be with Mary…or Barry.
USE CASH !!
Much impatience in “Dollar Store” queue
It seemed there was quite a “to do”
‘Bout a Visa “decline”
Which sure held up the line
Just to pay for one damn taffy chew
They’re part of a privileged few;
Not having to wait in a queue
To enter this club.
Patron’s shoulders may rub,
But our strippers, no cover is due.
Guess who…
You just sit there, awaiting your cue,
To start tweeting that nonsense you spew.
Then the lies, spite, and bile
Keep you going a while.
WTF is the matter with you?
Lying we know is a sin,
That Trump indulges in
It wouldn’t be bad
If the only sin that he had…
But one of seven for him.
Confession:
“I have settled myself in a pew,
Knowing this is the right thing to do;
Yes, I’ll make a clean breast,
Get it all off my chest,
But I didn’t expect such a queue.”
No, I haven’t been copying Lisi, again. LOL
Even though I am feeling so sick
To the rules of my church I must stick
I shall not commit sins
Cuz today Lent begins
And I must get my ash there real quick
Bless me Father, please hear what I say:
I had sex in a real kinky way
“Son, on Facebook I saw
What you did; I’M IN AWE!
So Congrats! You’ve sure come a long way!”
From January 10th at 4:44 pm: a minor change in “USE CASH” !!
Much impatience in “Dollar Store” queue
Up front, there was quite a “to do”
‘Bout a Visa “decline”
Which sure held up the line
Just to pay for one damn Charleston Chew
Confession:
“I have settled myself in a pew;
What I do now is long overdue.
Yes, I’ll make a clean breast,
Get it all off my chest;
Quite surprised by the length of the queue.”
Sin: Important Information:
“To be tempted, young man, is no sin,
Not so long as you never give in.
But the moment you yield,
Then the judgement is sealed;
Best abstain if you value your skin.”
correcting rhyming error, from today at 1:16 PM
Bless me Father, please hear what I say
I had real kinky sex just today
“Son, on Facebook I saw
What you did; I’M IN AWE!
So Congrats! You’ve sure come a long way!”
Father Is Becoming More Enthusiastic:
Bless me Father, please hear what I say
I had real kinky sex just today
“Son, on Facebook I saw
What you did, I’m in awe!”
HOLY COW! You’ve sure come a long way!”
A traditional Scotsman named Hugh
Started drinking at six, right on cue.
Around midnight he lay,
Kilt in full disarray,
With the ladies enjoying the view.
On airplanes, there’s usually a queue
For the toilet, despite the loud “PHEW”
People often emit
As they exit that pit
In which feces so readily spew.
They say sloth is a venial sin,
As are greed and a fondness for gin.
Do you want to go mortal
And enter the portal
Of hell? Hire a pro, and indulge in some skin!
Lying in State
For most of us lying’s a sin.
Except for the politician.
Well-placed deceptions
Are the soul of elections,
Where virtue is measured by wins.
It’s plain that he is loth,
He who’s guilty of sloth.
To do tough and hard work,
He’ll leave to some other jerk
Then claim it was them both.
Just what is it you do
If you’re last in the job queue?
You send word to the hirer
That you’re an admirer
And don’t decide till he sees you.
We’ve all had this problem
When you’re stuck in a very long queue
And you urgently need to get through
Although not in a hurry
Oh Boy! do you worry
If you need to go pee or go poo
Said a woman who’d stood in a queue
To buy tickets to enter the zoo:
“Why’d I do it? It’s clear:
There’s a wildebeest here!” —
Which had kindled her interest agnu.
Because you can, does it mean you should?
Is what you want in everyone’s good,
Or has your real need
Been overtaken by greed?
What in humility have you not understood?
correct version of limerick from January 12th at 12 pm
When stuck in a very long queue
And urgently need to get through
Don’t wait for your turn
If you have a concern
That you might have to pee or to poo
I’ve heard tell, in the town of McLouth,
That when Trump starts to open his mouth
It is clearly a cue
What comes next is untrue,
Or his foot’s movin’ in from the south.
Now who’s copying, eh, Lisi? Ha, ha. LOL
“How much time do you think might accrue
If the time we spend queuing fell due.
When they pay it all back,
In a lump, or a sack –
Oh, but would you believe it? A queue!”
Mad, you’ll have to file this one under, ‘SIN’. I leave it to you to decide which one. LOL
“Whether queuing to poo or to pee,
Do not be like Lisi and me!
Neck and neck, to and fro,
We’re so desperate to go,
You would think we were in a Grand Prix.”
I got taken short – one syllable.
“Whether queuing to poo or to pee,
Do not emulate Lisi and me!
Neck and neck, to and fro,
We’re so desperate to go,
You would think we were in a Grand Prix.”
“I’m the product of virtue deferred,
As my father was rarely deterred.
Mum made efforts to win,
Just before she gave in,
At least, that’s what I’ve always inferred.”
Alternate ending.
“I’m the product of virtue deferred,
As my father was rarely deterred.
Mum made efforts to win,
Just before she gave in,
At least, that’s what told me occurred.”
“Whether queuing to poo or to pee,
Do not emulate Lisi and me!
Nip and tuck, to and fro,
We’re so desperate to go,
You would think we were racing Grand Prix.”
Minor improvements.
“I’m the product of virtue deferred,
As my father was rarely deterred.
Mum made efforts to win,
Just before she gave in,
At least, that’s what she told me occurred.”
Or …
“I’m the product of virtue deferred,
As my father was rarely deterred.
Mum made efforts to win,
Just before she gave in,
And insisted she never concurred.”
“If the thought is a sin, then don’t think,
Or imagine you’re taking that drink.
Do not look – that’s as bad;
You could end up like Dad,
Spending half of your life in the clink.”
acrostic
A buxom girl Tommy once knew
C ame to see him in “Love Is For Two”
T ommy felt steamy lust
O nly stared at her bust
( R an amok, while he missed his next cue)
EARLY WARNING
Gluttony’s where I begin.
But sloth, greed, and lust soon slip in.
I’m here to profess
that sins of the flesh
expand when there’s more flesh to sin.
a slight change L5 acrostic
A buxom girl Tommy once knew
C ame to see him in “Love Is For Two”
T ommy felt steamy lust
O nly stared at her bust
R an amok. Couldn’t think. Missed his cue.
It’s clear Donald Trump couldn’t wait
To be dead before Lying in State.
But from the time of his youth
He can’t tell the truth
And he thinks it’s making him great.
Washington could not tell a lie,
Now, with the truth, doesn’t try.
Oh how our leaders have changed,
Now narcissistic, deranged
And the country dares to ask why?
You talk of Love, but it’s Lust,
Burning hot, then turns to dust.
If it’s not satisfied
It’s defeated by Pride
And is not a Love you can trust.
SIN SYMPHONY
Pride, greed, lust, glutt’ny, in part,
plus envy wrath, sloth: they’re an art.
And if you want a medley
of the seven deadlies,
I know every one by heart.
A naughty young nudist named Sue
Was checking out guys for a screw.
When she saw his size
She exclaimed with wide eyes,
“Oh, you’ll be the first in the queue!”
ATTENTION!
“For those of you in the long queue
We’re now boarding, and here’s what we’ll do:
The last on the plane
Who were simply a pain
Please go back cuz you pushed your way through”
“Naughty, naughty!” said Brenda. “By rights,
We’re suspending the nuptial delights.
It is only for lent –
No! I will not repent;
And besides, it’s been only two nights.”
“Am I naughty? Not terribly so.
And resist when I’m tempted? Oh, no!
Virtue’s all very fine,
But one must draw a line;
It’s enough I know when to say, ‘Whoa!’”
“Please Hold’; Your Call Is Important To Us
Don’t get caught in the “telephone queue”
It’s an effort you shouldn’t pursue
The music keeps playing
You wait and you’re praying
‘Fore you know it, the whole week is through
Modification to January 14, 2020 at 7:12 pm
It’s clear Donald Trump couldn’t wait
To be dead before Lying in State.
To make each word a lie
He doesn’t have to try
Nor work to keep his face straight.
Our world’s beleaguered by lies
Claiming it’s “Truth in Disguise”.
The real truth is hidden,
Found by those bidden
To clear the fog from their eyes.
It’s a lie, but we call it the truth,
So those with the ignorance of youth
Will not understand
We are being underhand…
Even adults are still so uncouth.
So I am a genius, look,
It’s on the cover of a book.
Come join the shop queue
So you’ll get yours too
Before the last one is took.
Republicans understand fully
That Trump is an out-and-out bully.
Bring disrepute on the Firm
And he’ll make you squirm
And hung by your thumbs from a pulley.
The Sinphony Of Life
For the priest, every day means, “Absolved.”
For the cop, it means crimes go unsolved.
But the judge gets to say,
“Bailiffs! Take him away!
And, “Arrest everyone who’s involved!”
What can I say? I’m running in fumes.
Have you noticed? Within the word “queue”
All the vowels are silent (it’s true!)
They’re all waiting in line
For the q to say, “Fine!”
But they’ve still been declined to talk, too.
If you want to avoid a long queue,
Just pretend you’ve come down with the flu.
Walk in crutches, then sneeze,
Cough a lot, cut the cheese
Till the others say, “Please! After you!”
I talk too much; oh, but it’s fun!
Till folks hint that the boredom’s begun:
“Just the short version, Sue”
And I know that’s my cue
That lets ME know my two hours are done.
I refuse to hear ministers teach
When their practice does not match their preach.
My soul’s been malnourished
While their pocketbooks flourished.
Behind ev’ry pulpit’s a leech!
Oh, Las Vegas is loaded with sin
And you’ll lose at the slots – you can’t win!
Evil knocks at your door
And it’s usually a whore
Bent on making you poor, even thin!
If you sin morning, night or at noon,
In a fiery pit you’ll be strewn.
If you beat Satan’s drum,
Hell will burn all you scum
But God loves you! Please come again soon!
There isn’t a saint with no past.
It ain’t news, so do not be aghast
And there isn’t a sinner
With no future (a winner?)
Despite that his sins have amassed.
Well, much to my eyeballs’ chagrin,
Repeating your verse is a sin.
You aren’t a dunce
So just type it out once
And the groans and the grunts won’t roll in.
Write it out on some paper at first
There’s a good chance you’ll want words reversed.
Just rewrite, let it spout
Until you have no doubt
Pick the best one; leave out all the worst.
Broken records that come by the plateful
Could make readers turn hateful; how fateful!
Let this be the last time
You repeat this sad crime
If you stop it, then I’m-a so grateful!
Your award-winning verses are awesome
As your talents continue to blossom
But along comes the trouble
When bursting your bubble
So please, no more doubles, just toss ’em.
The priests aren’t saints; it’s all faked.
The hypocrisy burned; my head ached.
They were bangin’ the nuns
Till I saw there were buns
In the oven, that died before baked.
God’s power became a big heist
When redemption was sold and high-priced
Well now, isn’t it odd
How they represent God?
And claim THEY have the body of Christ.
Well, religion is, for the most part,
All made up by some crabby old fart
They use fear and control
To gain hold of your soul
Give your wallet a hole; it’s an art!
Some are gullible, others are pissed
And some aren’t yet sure what they’ve missed.
Holy wars ev’ry day
When they can’t have their way
And you wonder why atheists exist!
When Adam and Eve took their Fall
Their sin was assigned to us all.
What did Adam do wrong?
He came on way too strong:
“We’re buck naked! Let’s have us a ball!”
The nuns so demur in the queue
Were waiting to have their review
But the penguin in line
Re-examined the shrine
And discerned he was in the wrong pew
The current Limerick-Off ends tomorrow, Saturday, at 10 pm (Eastern time.) So please get your limerick stragglers in.
sin and cue
We’ve obtained a new protocol, Son
I should warn you, it’s not too much fun
Call us up and you’ll hear
In a voice very clear:
“For a Venial Sin, please press one”
Now sadly, there’s just one more cue
That all evil people must do:
If you’ve done something grave
Please try to be brave
Then for all Mortal Sins, please press two
If you look at some people askew,
They are apt to take umbrage at you.
They, of course, are at fault,
And are done for assault,
When policemen arrive, right on cue.
Sin Phoney
“I just wanted my colleagues to think,
That I’m one of the lads, so I drink.
But of late, I’m disposed
To say, ‘Sorry! Bar’s closed.’
And be true to myself, not this fink.”
My guy, Gary, and I aren’t religious
But he’s—thank you, dear Lord!—callipygous.
Yes, that beautiful bottom
Has me thinking of Sodom
And the sins we’ll commit—they’re prodigious!
Father Jones said, “Please do me a favor
Your confession requires a waiver
So just sign this sheet
Cuz I must send a tweet
Your sicko stuff Trump would sure savor”
A Real Bad Sin, Yet Convenient
Mary’s job at the church is real swell
It’s a secret, so nobody tell
I taught my sweet daughter
“To make Holy Water
Put the stove on and boil it like hell”
In reply to Lisi above…
It should KILL germs of all pious fools
And then purify folks who break rules.
If the priest feels you where
He should really not dare,
Pour the hot water there on his jewels!
While waiting outside in a queue,
One couple knew just what to do.
A jovial bloke,
He recited a joke;
Then she sang a ditty or two.
Embracing their time in the sun,
They gathered a crowd for the fun.
When doors opened wide,
No one wandered inside;
The party had only begun.
There’s a monster with wrinkly skin,
Beady eyes and fish lips, double chin.
You might wish you could slug
This beast right in the mug
He is orange and ugly as sin.
If my words appear harsh just a smidgeon
Whenever I speak of religion,
It’s just aimed at the phony
Whose twisted baloney
Is false, and I won’t be a pigeon!
There is no disrespect for the God
Whose earthlings are sinfully flawed
But when cons force their way,
Make us fear and obey
And financially pay, I’ll scream, “Fraud!”
Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…
Limerick-Off Award 336. Congratulations to the winners!
But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off Raise.