Posts Tagged ‘Ken Gosse’

Limerick-Off Award (267)

Saturday, December 24th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It’s clear that I haven’t a clue
How to clean out a chimney. It’s true;
When I tried, it instead
Just collapsed on my head.
Now I’m laid up in bed from the flue.

Congratulations to KIRK MILLER, who wins the Special PARTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

A beekeeper friend of mine, Marty,
Remarked with a laugh that was hearty:
“When a new hive is done,
Bees and I have some fun.
I throw them a house swarming party.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Suzanne Heymann, Tim James, Ken Gosse, Mike Burch, Judith H. Block, David Reddekopp, Richard Campbell, Wendy Playter, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FLU” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARTY LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar

They were partying; he was so high,
LSD made him think he could fly.
Well, it’s true that he flew
For a second or two,
Till the moment he ran out of sky.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FLU” RHYME DIVISION)

Suzanne Heymann:

’Tis the season for saying, “Achoo!”
What to do for a cold or a flu?
Drink some honey and lemon
And rest till it’s stemmin’
The coughin’ and phlegmin’ in you.

Tim James:

It was Christmas Eve. Santa was due,
Bearing goodies and gifts, a whole slew.
All my hopes, though, were dashed:
In the chimney he crashed.
I’d forgotten to open the flue.

Ken Gosse:

An old woman who lived in a shoe
Lost her health when they all caught the flu,
Found a book in her cupboard
By ol’ L Ron Hubbard,
And soon lost her life savings too.

Brian Allgar:

The hooker appeared ill at ease;
Her client had started to sneeze.
He was catching the flu!
Far too risky to screw,
So she stayed at arm’s length on her knees.

Mike Burch:

A fly with the flu foully flew
Up my nose — thought I’d die — had to sue!
Now I’m out of my mind
Cuz the trial judge declined
My lawsuit; I’d “failed to achoo.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

The parties! The booze and the food!
The laughter; The fun, festive mood!
More platefuls? Why, YES!
Though it’s all in excess.
Can’t refuse them ’cause that would be rude!

Tim James:

We met at a New Year’s soirée,
Drinking wine till we got enivré.
Such a sweet mademoiselle,
And a fille oh so belle!
And the way she could French made my day.

David Reddekopp

We thought that the party was super
And we drank ourselves into a stupor.
Then in came the dog
To drop a large log;
That bitch was a big party pooper.

Richard Campbell:

It’s a party, a bash, and a binge;
An affair and a fête — but I cringe.
And my ire will ignite,
If Trump dares to invite
All his friends from the lunatic fringe.

Wendy Playter:

A party is not where it’s at
When you’re wearing an introvert’s hat.
So when it gets loud,
I exit the crowd
And I sneak off to go pet the cat.

Dave Johnson:

Her mother said “Yes, you should go;
Perhaps you might meet a new beau.”
At the party, she sighs;
The available guys
Act like Larry and Curly and Moe.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (261)

Saturday, September 17th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I think that I thought that I thunk,”
Said Descartes, “but perhaps it was bunk.
If I am when I think,
What occurs when I drink?
Well, I think that I therefore am drunk.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Boating-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

While launching his boat with a Hummer,
He struts like he’s King of the Summer.
Now ready to go,
The Speedo will show
His love life must be a real bummer.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, Mike Burch, Dave Johnson, David Reddekopp, and Ken Gosse. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BUNK/DEBUNK” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

In the novel I’m reading, a hunk
Has a girlfriend who fondles his junk.
When they started to pet
I broke out in a sweat.
Now excuse me. I’ll be in my bunk.

Brian Allgar

The Captain was thoroughly drunk,
And was bonking a bird in his bunk.
They were suddenly wet,
But it wasn’t from sweat –
In his absence, the liner had sunk.

Diane Groothuis:

Last ev’ning I lay on my bunk,
Quite tired and also quite drunk.
As I pondered and mused,
I became quite confused;
What WAS I? A nun or a monk?

Mike Burch:

There’s something I’d like to debunk:
The GOP’s not in a “funk.”
The Donald, by choice,
Is its unfiltered voice.
Vote for someone who’s sane, or we’re sunk!

Dave Johnson:

On vacation, we’re caught in a funk;
Our Airbnb place is junk.
On a faraway isle,
We’re told with a smile:
“You both have to sleep in de bunk.”

David Reddekopp:

I’m a hunk in a funk when I’m drunk.
Who’da thunk it? My junk, it has shrunk.
It won’t even unfurl,
So I can’t get a girl.
Now I’m sunk – can’t spelunk in my bunk.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BOATING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Ken Gosse:

As youngsters, we learned, “Row, Row, Row,”
With no limit on how far to go.
Now older, strength fails:
With no outboard or sails,
We’ll find our return needs a tow.

Tim James:

About boating I haven’t a clue.
What do fo’c’s’les and mizzen masts do?
Tell me why the main bounds
And on what the surf pounds.
And just why on a head would you poo?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest

Limerick-Off Award (259)

Sunday, August 21st, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for his “Poe Signs The Pledge” limerick:

To drown all his sorrows, he’d pour
Endless whiskies, and mourn his Lenore.
But the night that he heard
A chimerical bird,
He swore off the booze. “Nevermore!”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GRASS-Themed Limerick Award for his “Elizabethan’s Lament” limerick:

Forsooth! ’Tis a place in the grass
Fit for carnal acts, tender or crass.
But alas and alack!
One thing holdeth me back:
The part that I lack is a lass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Will T. Laughlin, Charley Simmons, Ken Gosse, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, Tim James, and Marty Gerendasy. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (““POOR/POUR/PORE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sue Dulley:

It’s Summer Olympics once more;
Canadians’ teardrops will pour.
But when medals are missed
“That’s okay,” we’ll insist,
And proudly claim: “We’re Number Four!”

Will T. Laughlin:

What a day to be wed at the shore!
Bright sun, and the ocean’s low roar!
There I stood, all deluxe
In my nice rental tux –
And that’s when it started to pour.

Charley Simmons:

“In bed you’re a terrible bore,”
She said, as she showed him the door.
“Please leave me at once
You despicable dunce,
Or I’ll donate your clothes to the poor.”

Ken Gosse:

The vintner had bad wine galore,
So he poured it all out on the floor.
But his brother-in-law
Laid his wide-open maw
On the spot on the floor where he’d pour.

Brian Allgar:

Her grades were excessively poor,
So she knocked on her teacher’s front door.
“Can you help with my grade?”
An arrangement was made;
Now they’re both very happy to score.

Fred Bortz:

Amendment nineteen folks will roar,
Making Donald J. Trump’s chances poor.
He’s a bully-boy fraud
So the women, by God,
Will show him the way to the door.

Tim James:

He tried to engage in amour,
But his sense of direction was poor.
When he started to pound
He got all turned around.
So his entry was by the back door.

This fellow whose aim was so poor
Was the Thunder God known in Norse lore.
And the lady? A wisp
With a cute little lisp.
Now thith gal, like her partner, ith Thor.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GRASS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

If you spend too much time at your desk, you
Need a hobby to come to your rescue.
Think how long you will spend
On your flaccid rear end
Once they’ve planted you under the fescue!

Marty Gerendasy:

There once lived a lovely young lass
Who was fond of a roll in the grass.
She would “play” on the lawn
From late night until dawn.
And when finished, she’d go straight to Mass.

Tim James:

I’m a homeowner. Cutting the grass
Is a chore that’s a pain in the ass.
Says my wife, who’s the boss,
“Tear it out! Put in moss!
It’s still green; from the street it’ll pass!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (257)

Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny, musical limerick:

Five fishermen lived hereabout,
But their talents were somewhat in doubt.
Though five lines they would spin,
Just one fish was reeled in.
This quintet became known as “The Trout.”

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special Allergy-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She was to be one of the “perks”
At the office where Roger Ailes works.
But started to sneeze
As he fondled her knees;
Turns out, she’s allergic to jerks.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Will T. Laughlin, Kathleen Bartoletti, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, Judith H. Block, Brian Allgar, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BOUT/ABOUT” RHYME DIVISION)

Robert Schechter:

Some things are exact, not “about.”
They are what they are, without doubt.
A worm’s not a snake,
A cookie’s no cake,
And a salmon’s not “almost” a trout.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

It appears that the captain is out
Of the closet without any doubt.
From up high in the rigging
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy, coming about.

Will T. Laughlin, for his “AND IN THIS CORNER, KID IONESCO!”

In the very first round of the bout,
The Kid knocked the champion out.
But they stopped him, they did,
When they noticed the Kid
Had four legs, and a horn on his snout.

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A turtledove flying about
Was afraid that his luck had run out
When he noticed one day
A hawk headed his way;
He was quickly relieved of all doubt.

Robert Schechter:

You don’t know what you’re talking about?
No problem. Just act like a lout.
Refuting your betters,
Use CAPITAL LETTERS,
THE FACEBOOK-APPROVED WAY TO SHOUT!

Ken Gosse:

His dyslexia sometimes came out
When the Drill Sergeant started to shout,
But he knew how to cope:
He could walk that tightrope,
Though they grinned when he yelled, “Face About!”

Suzanne Heymann:

If you don’t know what life’s all about
Don’t worry, relax, just chill out.
Live life fully and know
When it’s your turn to go
You’ll no longer be living in doubt.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (ALLERGY-LIMERICK DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

I’m allergic to most politicians
With their multiple bullshit positions.
And although I’m not sneezing,
I’m certainly wheezing;
I’m sick of their toxic emissions.

Brian Allgar:

As they loaded the Ark’s floating zoo,
It appeared they were missing a few.
“Those unicorns? Banned ’em,”
Said Noah. “Can’t stand ’em.
I’m allergic to dinosaurs, too.”

Diane Groothuis:

Now mustard’s my bête noire, by God.
My reaction is terribly odd.
With rashes and hives,
My blood pressure dives,
And I give old St Peter the nod.

Byron Miller aka Errol Nimbly:

There’s a trick-turning floozy, long fallen,
Who’s bothered, in springtime, by pollen.
Along with her sneezes,
Come vaginal squeezes–
“God bless you!” her clients keep callin’.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (256)

Saturday, July 9th, 2016

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BARBARA MILLIKAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this clever limerick. (It was inspired by her daughter’s very successful rugby team in Lane County, Eugene, Oregon, known as the “Reign.”)

Rough and rowdy “Reign” ruggers, the bane
Of all other gal ruggers from Lane;
When it poured like a flood
All were buried in mud,
But no rain ever reined in the “Reign.”

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BIRD-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The bird-watcher peered through his glasses,
Believing he’d seen in the grasses
The movement of plovers.
In fact, they were lovers;
He stared at two fine, naked asses.

The girl quickly covered her bits
With a towel, and yelled out “Hey, Fritz!
What d’you think you are doing?”
“Dear lady, I’m viewing
A magnificent pair of Great Tits.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Randolph Wagner, Dave Johnson, Brian Allgar, Marty Gerendasy, Judith H. Block, Tim James, Kathleen Bartoletti, Will T. Laughlin, Barry Solomons, Ken Gosse, Suzanne Heymann, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (RAIN/REIGN/REIN RHYME DIVISION)

Randolph Wagner:

The Habsburgs who ruled over Spain
Were an inbreeding unsightly strain.
Since their gene pool was rotten,
Good looks weren’t begotten:
In Spain on the plain fell the reign.

Dave Johnson:

The Donald is making it plain;
He thinks that he’s ready to reign.
So what if he fails?
From all the hat sales
His wallet is posting a gain.

Brian Allgar:

At tea-time, the Queen would complain:
“The tea-pot is empty again;
I know that I filled it,
But somehow I spilled it —
I can’t pour, but I know how to reign.

Marty Gerendasy:

Tell me, what good is trav’ling by plane,
When it won’t leave the ground in the rain?
Yet another delay!
Happens day after day!
From now on, I’ll be going by train.

Judith H. Block:

You have just washed the car? It will rain.
On a picnic? It’s pouring again.
But plants need the showers.
It’s true, we love flowers.
I guess it’s not smart to complain.

Tim James, for his limerick homage to “MacArthur Park.”

The cake got left out in the rain.
And the recipe? Never again
Will I have it, that’s true.
(What’s that mean? Not a clue.
Maybe drugs make the meaning more plain.)

Kathleen Bartoletti:

A limerick writer named Kane
Loved bathing outside in the rain;
When it started to fall
She ran out, baring all,
With her washcloth, imported from Spain.

I hope this rhyme doesn’t offend.
That’s not something I’d ever intend.
I just saw it so plain;
Kane’s a fine rhyme for “rain”
And too good to resist, in the end.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BIRDS LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

My bird-watching uncle admits
His blog would get millions of hits,
Overwhelming his host
Any time he would post
New pictures of boobies and tits.

Barry Solomons:

An ostrich let out a big sigh
And pleaded with God asking why,
You would want me to stand
With my head in the sand
When I’d love to be able to fly.

Ken Gosse, who entitles his limerick “Copy Writer,” and who was inspired by a children’s poem.

A woman who swallowed a spider,
Ended up with a bird deep inside her.
She wrote, “How absurd,
To swallow a bird,”
But not first, so the rights were denied her.

Brian Allgar:

His Lordship had picked up a girl
And he paid her to give him a whirl.
But next day, the poor chap
Had contracted the clap —
The wormy bird catches the Earl.

Tim James:

A parrot, apparently spurred
By an urge to repeat all he heard,
Spent a night by the bed
Of a gal. She turned red
When “Oh God! Oh my God!” screamed the bird.

Will T. Laughlin:

We saw a strange bird in the street.
“That’s a Fake-Crested Trump,” muttered Pete.
“How on earth can you tell?”
I inquired. Pete said, “Well,
It just let out a horrible Tweet.”

Suzanne Heymann:

When a bird and a dog had a fight,
I could not tell who had the first bite.
But an eagle so regal
Made off with a beagle
Who’d eaten a seagull last night.

Kirk Miller, whose 3-verser is (he swears) based on personal experience:

The gardener wore a big scowl,
And emitted an ear-piercing howl.
He had reason to gripe:
Birds ate fruit that was ripe.
’Twas a crime he considered most fowl.

To tomatoes the birds had been treatin’
Themselves. He refused to be beaten.
Since the gardener’s wise,
A nice plan he’ll devise
To keep birds from his garden of eatin’.

There is little expense he incurred.
Get some net; make a tent; he’s insured
That tomatoes are safe.
While the mockingbirds chafe,
He just smiles and then flips them the bird.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!