Posts Tagged ‘Alan Hochbaum’

Limerick-Off Award (320)

Saturday, April 20th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID FRIEDMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I am not apathetic,” said Lydia.
“That is not why I have to get rid o’ ya.
So don’t be confused
If I seem unenthused;
It’s cause YOU fucking gave me chlamydia!”

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special LEMON-Themed Limerick Award for this clever acrostic limerick:

Low in fat, rich in vitamin C,
Especially good with iced tea;
Must try it on fish
Or a nice salad dish.
Not to worry; lots more on the tree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sim Smailes, Tim James, Robert Schechter, Lisi Nortman, Fred Bortz, Ken Gosse, Kirk Miller, Steve Benko, Kat Irving, Alan Hochbaum, Brian Allgar, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FUSED/CONFUSED” RHYME DIVISION)

Sim Smailes:

Led Zepp’lin could not be accused
Of letting themselves be abused.
Yet one angry fan
Let fly with a pan
And left them all “Dazed and Confused.”

Tim James:

A dude was extremely confused
When he heard the term “cowpuncher” used.
He thought: “Punch? Is that how
I get milk from that cow?”
So he tried it. That bull’s not amused.

Robert Schechter:

I went to sleep happy. It’s done!
The end of Trump’s day in the sun!
I was shocked and confused
When I woke and perused
The papers. The bastard had won!

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Sweet Granny was very enthused
And eager to read “The Accused.”
When I said, “It’s online,”
She remarked, “That sounds fine;
But where is the book? I’m confused.”

Fred Bortz:

“Your Honor,” he said, “I’m confused;
Was there something I missed while I snoozed?
The attorneys are boring.
That’s why I was snoring.”
So the judge glared and said, “You’re excused.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“EYES” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

I looked deep into Stephanie’s eyes,
And I knew she’d been telling me lies.
’Twas a blow to my pride
That she felt, deep inside,
I fell short of her standards for size.

Ken Gosse:

I become quite confused when I write,
Once my brain cells have fused for the night.
But that’s not a surprise,
Since the blur in my eyes
Comes from lemonade, whiskey, and Sprite.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My old teacher was not very wise;
She would drink and steal all the supplies.
And as blitzed as could be,
She insisted that we
Dot our t’s and then cross all our eyes.

Kirk Miller:

Said a young buxom gal to two guys,
“What I say should be no big surprise.
Here’s what I would like best
To get off my chest:
It’s simple — your four staring eyes.”

Steve Benko:

We made contact at first with our eyes,
Then in bed came her passionate cries;
By this Hollywood star
I got blown in my car.
What? You think that I’m telling you lies?

Kat Irving:

As she dances, I watch my sweet prize.
She has tender, young breasts; meaty thighs.
I’m a cannibal, me,
And all I can see
Is a truly great feast for the eyes.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LEMON LIMERICK DIVISION)

Alan Hochbaum:

Oh, let me not stammer nor hedge
’Bout my clunker that froze like a veg;
When I next need a lift
My new model will shift…
And that, folks, is my lemon pledge.

Tim James:

She sliced lemons to rub on her chest,
Neck and shoulders, then made a request
Of her man: “Be a peach;
Rub the parts I can’t reach.”
It’s a task he’s approaching with zest.

Brian Allgar:

“Them ‘oranges’ Darwin invented?
The guy musta been quite demented.
His theory is feces –
‘The Lemons of Species’
Would make as much sense,” Trump dissented.

Dave Johnson:

I owned a mid-Seventies car;
It managed to show me how far
(With handles that broke
And performance a joke),
That Mustang had lowered the bar.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My favorite flavor of Jell-O
Is orange; it makes me feel mellow.
The name of that fruit
Is its color (how cute!)
So why ain’t a lemon called “yellow?”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (124)

Sunday, July 28th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Bill Klein, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow would frequently play
The field, to his girlfriend’s dismay.
So she got him a date
With a transvestite mate,
And thus made him a queen, for a day.

Congratulations to Fred Bortz, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

To do the Lord’s work while they play,
The ministers gardened all day.
It was hard to decide
On the right pesticide,
‘Til they found the one called Lettuce Spray.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jane Shelton Hoffman, Kevin Ahern, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Craig Dykstra, Alan Hochbaum, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A bay horse suspected foul play
When someone kept eating his hay.
It could be the bull,
Who always looked full,
Cause when asked, other horses said, “Neigh!”

Kevin Ahern:

Some people at golf when they play
Think cheating on scores is OK.
These devious folks,
Reducing their strokes,
See NO need to play the fairway.

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who wanted to play
With a woman who lived down the way
Was wasting his time,
For she said to him: “I’m
An actual Gay Divorcée.”

Craig Dykstra:

Janet Jackson got hired to play.
Justin Timberlake joined her that day.
But then with a rip
Came the slip of a nip –
Now the Super Bowl’s shown on delay.

Alan Hochbaum:

A woman suspected foul play
In the death of her donkey Don K.
At the funeral service
Her pastor, most nervous
Said “Everyone bow heads and bray.”

Will T. Laughlin:

Some farmers are charged with fowl play:
They strangled their hens, so they say.
And why in the dickens
Would men choke their chickens?
They just couldn’t get a good lay.

David Lefkovits:

An athlete who wanted to play
Met a girl who would lead him astray.
Said he to the ho:
“Yes I’d like to go pro,
But I really just meant NBA.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!