Posts Tagged ‘Dave Johnson’

Limerick-Off Award (315)

Saturday, February 9th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVID REDDEKOPP, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I’m a pessimist. Let me explain,
So I don’t have to say it again:
In the tunnel, my friend
Is a light at the end –
Which belongs to an oncoming train.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special LIGHTING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

All was darkness. Then “Let there be light!”
Earth was formed, and the darkness took flight.
If in light we’re created
As Scripture has stated,
Then why isn’t Man very bright?

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special ACROSTIC Limerick Award, given occasionally to a clever acrostic limerick:

Please don’t be afraid on my plane.
It is safe. You’ll be fine. Just remain.
Leave the flying to me.
OFF WE GO! And you’ll see
That tomorrow, we’ll all be in Spain.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

What a marvelous thing is a dimmer!
On the days I feel older and grimmer,
I just turn it down low,
Make my wrinkles all go,
And look younger and slimmer and trimmer.

If there’s something to mend, fix or tie,
I can just turn the dimmer up high
And produce enough light
To set anything right
And ensure I’ll get by if I try.

Yes, the dimmer is grand altogether,
For both higher light levels and nether –
But I’d be more content
If kind souls would invent
Me a dimmer to tether the weather.

Congratulations to MARK KANE and DIANE GROOTHUIS, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

Crammed in close, thigh to thigh on the plane,
With their will to abstain on the wain,
They soon met in the loo
For a slow urgent screw,
Then toasted their lust with champagne.

Diane Groothuis:

The passengers thought it was plain
That sobriety was on the wane
When they stood in the queue
To go to the loo,
Hearing corks popping, fizzing champagne.

Mark Kane:

They heard banging again and again,
As they waited inside to deplane.
And once out of wine,
With their lust in decline,
They were scared, so they chose to remain.

(Mark and Diane’s limerick exchange continued into several more verses. You can read the entire limerick repartee exchange here.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Tim James, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Judith H. Block, Fred Bortz and Val Fish. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO LIGHTING LIMERICKS)

Brian Allgar:

Says Trump, “What’s that light in the sky?
It’s too bright, and I’m starting to fry.”
“It’s the sun,” they explain.
“That’s a lie! I maintain
That my son is no brighter than I.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PLANE, PLAIN, COMPLAIN, or EXPLAIN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tim James:

A fellow who lived in Champaign
(That’s a town on an Illinois plain)
Said, “This place ain’t all that.
It’s cold and it’s flat
Like my ex ― but costs less to maintain.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

La Guardia! Where is our plane?
We thought we were going to Spain!
We slept on the floor,
Heard obnoxious jerks snore.
Next vacation. To Disney. By train!

Tony Holmes:

All these people are boarding this train
For two weeks in the sunshine of Spain.
What they haven’t been told
Is it’s wet and it’s cold;
But that’s fine, cuz they like to complain.

Jane Hoffman says:

The cows have lined up to complain
That the bulls are too hard to restrain.
The cows want a pen
Without any men…
To give them a chance to abstain.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

We looked up at the sky. (Was it rain?)
It went fast, and our eyes felt a strain.
Was it Superman? NO!
Was it birds? (Not in snow.)
There it IS! Oh my GOD! It’s a PLANE!

Tim James:

A couple got onto a plane;
Airborne nookie they yearned to attain.
Neither one had a clue
How to screw in a loo.
So they winged it, to mutual gain.

Tony Holmes:

“Drunk again?” is her constant refrain.
She derides all attempts to explain.
It were better, I think,
To forswear further drink,
Than to suffer that woman’s disdain.

Tim James for his Acrostic:

It’s becoming increasingly plain:
Donald Trump’s so-called “very good brain”
Isn’t all it should be.
On the contrary, he
Tweets and rants like a man gone insane.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (LIGHTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Soft music, dim lighting, and you…
You’re the love of my life. It is true,
When I see you, I’m dazed,”
Murmured Trump as he gazed
In the mirror, his favorite view.

Jean McEwen:

Thank goodness this room’s dimly lit
So my boyfriend can’t quite see the zit
On the tip of my nose
That through makeup still shows.
(If he saw it, then surely he’d split.)

Dave Johnson:

With agents and flashlights galore,
Now Roger is part of the score.
Since Mueller’s so near,
Trump just might need to fear
That 6 A.M. bang on the door.

Judith H. Block:

It seems that some guys need enlightening;
Their view is dismaying – needs brightening.
Beauty comes in all sizes.
They’re in for surprises;
Small gals can give pleasure quite heightening.

Fred Bortz:

The spotlights illumine the stage
Where the despot will soon stand and rage.
But the nation takes note,
And soon we will vote
That the time’s come to turn a new page.

Val Fish:

He’d attempted to set the right mood;
Soft music, the lighting subdued.
But it all went to pot
With chili, too hot;
Several trips to the toilet ensued.

Dave Johnson:

Trump’s shutdown is all about him
Kowtowing to fright-wingers’ whim.
Fed workers are stuck
All because of this schmuck,
Whose bulb runs no brighter than dim.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (314)

Saturday, January 19th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The pirates, a larcenous horde,
Took over while storming aboard.
A boat crew of nine
Bound together with twine
Held fast; they were all in a cord.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special TREE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Said Trump to the hooker, “You’ll see
That my wood is the size of a tree!”
But when he was nude,
She said “Don’t think me rude –
It looks more like a bonsai to me.”

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN and FRED BORTZ. Each of them wins a special Limerick Saga Award, sometimes given to a clever multi-verse limerick.

Sharon Neeman:

Now we’re old, with bad joints and sore feet,
We find bus rides more bitter than sweet,
For we struggle to board
Or reach up for the cord,
And few youngsters will give us a seat.

Should we drive? No, that’s hardly a lark:
Trees take scary new shapes in the dark.
They cavort in the rain,
And it’s hard to explain
Why we hit one whenever we park.

Taking cabs is a strain on the purse,
Makes our budget and blood pressure worse –
No, I think we’ll stay in
Where it’s warm, play some gin,
Drink some scotch, and write crotchety verse.

Fred Bortz:

As hist’ry will sadly record,
A basket of those she deplored
Did Hillary in,
Giving Donald the win
With votes that could not be ignored.

His electoral victory scored;
He baited his bigoted horde
With alternate facts
That justified acts
Of hatred and evil, untoward.

There still may be time to reward
This land that we all have adored.
In the year twenty-twenty,
Let’s cast votes aplenty.
The outcome must not be encored.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Judith H. Block, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Tim James, Brian Allgar, Diane Groothuis, John Shardlow, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO TREE LIMERICKS)

Fred Bortz, for his “The Old Oak”

The couple, in ardent accord,
Their initials in tree bark had scored,
Leaving evidence, oaken,
Of love never broken.
They’ve aged, yet they know they’re adored.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CHORD or CORD or CORED or ACCORD” RHYME DIVISION)

Judith H. Block:

He thought that his faux pas was minor.
Then he saw all her clothes were designer.
All the hints he ignored;
He sure struck the wrong chord
When he took her to eat at a diner.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

“Dear Teacher, I tripped on a cord,
Then got cut on my brother’s sharp sword.
So no homework today,
And oh, by the way,
I chased after a bull and was gored.”

Tony Holmes:

I would never admit that I snored,
So my wife made recordings – I’m floored!
Beyond doubt, she was right,
But the future is bright –
We’ve discovered a new major chord.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In the 50’s Dad got an award!
(His intelligence never ignored)
Cuz all on his own
He upgraded our phone,
By getting a much longer cord.

Dave Johnson:

The cost of their service has soared;
So now I am cutting the cord.
We can still watch TV,
Once I do it for free
By the shed where the woodpile is stored.

Tony Holmes:

I’ve discovered I’m now in accord
With a viewpoint I’ve always deplored.
I am shocked! What has changed?
Am I sick or deranged?
No, it’s worse – I got lazy and bored.

Tim James:

I knew a composer who scored
An op’ra most people ignored
’Bout an Army man struck
By a half-track and truck.
A-flat major’s its dominant chord.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TREE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

Those trees that were blocking his view
Are suddenly lying askew.
Officials resist
His attempts to insist
That the wind just selectively blew.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Even though you might feel a nice breeze,
Never park your car under the trees!
Cuz when you return
You’ll undoubtedly learn
That the birds have done more than just sneeze.

Brian Allgar:

His offspring, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Are as crooked as President T,
Grabbing ill-gotten loot –
Which just shows that the fruit
Never falls very far from the tree.

Diane Groothuis:

I checked on my own fam’ly tree
To find who’s related to me.
Well I come from good stock,
But it came as a shock
That Dad’s branch didn’t want me to be.

Fred Bortz:

There’s a tree that I love in the park.
I can find it at night when it’s dark.
Dogwood’s blossoms and fruit
Bring delight to my snoot,
But what’s best is the sound of its bark.

John Shardlow:

You gardeners, please make this pledge:
Whenever you’re planting a hedge,
Using laurel is dandy,
But shun the leylandii;
Between neighbors it’s driving a wedge.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone: (With Apologies To Joyce Kilmer)

I’ve seen metal that’s also a knee,
And a card that is also a key.
But I really must say
That there’s no goddamn way
That a poem is also a tree.

Jean McEwen:

Please don’t slander my poor hemlock tree.
It’s not poisonous — trust me! You see,
It is not like the plant
That’s called hemlock; it can’t
Ever hurt you — so no need to flee!

Dave Johnson:

In Florida, palm trees will sway,
With sunbathers basking all day;
Some willing and proud
To be showing the crowd
What others should never display.

Diane Groothuis:

I think that I never shall see
A poem so nice as a tree.
Providing good shade,
In Heaven they’re made
And useful to dogs when they pee.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (313)

Saturday, January 5th, 2019

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TONY HOLMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

Men are taken with all types of tits –
And with buttocks. They’re perfect for mitts.
Why would anyone peer
At a face? It’s unclear,
But bosoms and buns? They’re huge hits.

Why are bosoms so cute to us chaps?
It’s the thrill of releasing the straps.
And the hooks, eyes, or lace,
Till we come breast to face
With the sight that turns men into saps.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special Jewelry-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The love of my life was called Pearl,
A delightful, intelligent girl.
But she left me – I’d “dissed” her
By giving her sister,
The sexy young Ruby, a whirl.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Brian Allgar, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Diane Groothuis, P Diane Schneider, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“Peer or Pier or Appear” RHYME DIVISION)

Bob Dvorak:

Well, what to my eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and some deer.
I truly must stop
Downing tasty brown slop,
Ere I end up flat down on my rear.

Brian Allgar:

Said the hooker, “Your Lordship, I fear
There is nothing that I can do here.
Your ducal regalia
Is frankly a failiah –
I’m sorry, I must diss a peer.”

Tim James:

A yachtsman had drunk too much beer,
And it rendered his vision unclear.
He rammed into the dock,
Which collapsed from the shock.
As a seaman he’s quite without pier.

Sharon Neeman, for her limerick she calls “How Melania Trump Returned Safely from Africa:”

Said the cannibal chef with a sneer,
“Things are not always what they appear.
That one’s flesh has no taste;
Cooking her’s just a waste —
So don’t bring that Melania here!”

Diane Groothuis:

A woman consulted a seer
To see if her hubby was queer.
And the seer said “He’s gay.
Get yourself a new lay.
Don’t wait for his peer to appear.”

P Diane Schneider:

The jury box stifled a jeer,
And kitty cat shuddered in fear.
There’s word in the air
This trial is not fair;
No canine here looks like a peer.

Byron Miller:

My kitchen sink’s leaking. Oh dear!
And an overweight tradesman is here.
The one thing with a plumber
That’s always a bummer
Is having his butt crack appear.

Tony Holmes:

It is time I revealed what took place
On the day I was whisked into space.
They don’t probe, poke, or peer,
Or indeed, interfere;
But they push pretty hard for first base.

Lisi Nortman:

In the afterlife, I shall appear
As a ghost to some “pains in the rear.”
I know who I’ll haunt
And certainly taunt.
My list’s getting longer each year.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A big fellow who drank lots of beer
Took pride in his skill as a pee-er.
His incredible aim
Gained the man bar room fame,
Till he once hit a cop in the rear.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JEWELRY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Jake gave Cindy a ring set with jade,
Not with diamonds–so Cindy, dismayed
Gave to Jake, in return,
An asparagus fern.
(Seemed a pretty fair balance of trade.)

Dave Johnson:

“I know what to say when they call me.”
Says a popular gal from Snoqualmie.
She told her friend Mike:
“We can smooch, if you like;
Bring bling if you’re looking to ball me.”

Brian Allgar:

The Professor would constantly whine:
“How I loathe all those students of mine!
It is hell everlasting
To spend my life casting
Fake pearls before genuine swine.”

Sharon Neeman:

Clooney offered fair Bridget a necklace
If she’d come to his bed and be reckless.
“Why, begorrah, it’s glass!”
Cried the sweet Irish lass;
“Get ye gone, now — ye’ll always be feckless!”

Tony Holmes:

Her best friends are all diamonds, it’s said;
She has one for each time she’s been wed.
By a very old trick,
Without shovel or pick,
She has mined all her carbon in bed.

Tim James:

She has rings on her fingers and toes;
There are studs in her ears, tongue and nose.
But her guy doesn’t mind.
And there’s more bling to find
If down’s the direction he goes.

Lisi Nortman:

To find the right man, I’ve been told,
He should not be too young or too old.
But regardless of age,
My dear mother the “sage,”
Said “Honey, just go for the gold.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (312)

Sunday, December 16th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Said Poe, “I am sick to the core
Of this raven that knocked on my door,
Squawking one stupid word –
I shall strangle the bird,
And I’ll hear “nevermore” nevermore.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special SPICE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

“Our love life is lacking in spice,”
Said the husband. “It sure would be nice
To have three in this bed.”
“Get the cat!” his wife said ―
Not the pussy he’d hoped to entice.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Carolyn Henly, Tim James, Jean McEwen, Lisi Nortman, Alan W. Webb, Byron Miller, David Friedman, Dave Johnson, Kirk Miller, Tony Holmes, Sharon Neeman, and John Shardlow. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CORE or CORPS or DÉCOR” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Moulton:

Said Trump, to the national corps,
“The Paris Accord’s out the door.
Some say that’s unwise,
Due to sea-level rise,
But I live on the fifty-eighth floor.”

Carolyn P Henly:

There’s a nurse whose named Kissy DuMor,
And the medics all think she’s a whore.
Says she, “I’m no tart;
If you look in my heart
You will see that I’m good to the corps!”

Tim James:

My date didn’t like the decor
Of my place. From the ceiling to floor ―
Carpets, furnishings, art ―
She just picked it apart.
So the last thing I showed her? The door.

Jean McEwen:

My shrink said, “Let’s get to the core
Of what ails you. Methinks there’s much more
To your handwash compulsion
Than merely revulsion
To dirt; it’s your MOM you deplore.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Have you ever seen Aunt Em’s decor?
It’s like something from “Ole Days Of Yore.”
There’s a couch there for “fainting,”
The place need repainting,
And Uncle Lou’s stuffed on the floor.

Alan Webb:

Her nasty words cut to the core.
I fell to my knees on the floor,
Cause when I get cussed out
It drives all the lust out…
And I ain’t coming here anymore.

Byron Miller:

Our team mascot is hard to ignore,
For his shite coats our changing room floor.
But we don’t plan on stopping
His guano from dropping:
It adds to the “osprey decor.”

David Friedman:

A johnless gay hooker, Gerard,
Complained that his work was too hard:
“I entered the corps
Thinking I would get more,
But shouldn’t have joined the rear guard.”

Dave Johnson’s “James Bond reminiscing at the old spy’s home:”

“She thrilled me right down to my core,
With visions of what was in store.
Her name said it all,
Always there to enthrall;
I can’t forget… Lucy Galore.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPICE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

When the owner of spice shops expands
Way too fast, he then soon understands
That he must have a sale
Or his business will fail,
’Cause he’s got too much thyme on his hands.

Tony Holmes:

Someone said, ‘Girls are sugar and spice.’
And back then, that was all very nice.
Not today; sugar’s bad.
And it may make you sad,
But you’re best off avoiding that vice.

Sharon Neeman:

Wednesday Addams thought “Who can scream louder?”
She put pepper in Grandmama’s chowder;
In Uncle’s fish stew;
Dad’s shaving cream, too;
Pugsley’s mouthwash; and Mom’s talcum powder.

Lisi Nortman:

Don’t get married, my friend, cuz of strife.
You really do not need a wife;
She will nag you to death
Till your very last breath.
They are known for unspicing your life.

John Shardlow:

I am just off the ward feeling fine,
But that matron’s a bit of a swine;
The green herb colonic
She gives as a tonic
Means I’m busy just passing the thyme.

Dave Johnson:

A weird little fellow named Walt
Has a penchant for pepper and salt.
They chuckle and point
In the hamburger joint
When they notice he seasons his malt.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (311)

Saturday, December 1st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

The game has the Vikings and Bears.
Who’s winning? Seems nobody cares.
The guys are in bunches;
I’d say that my hunch is:
At Hooters they’re watching the pairs.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN, who wins the Special THEFT-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

This section of town’s gettin’ tough,
And frankly, I’ve just had enough!
So I put out a rug
That says, “Listen here thug:
Rob the neighbors. They’ve much better stuff.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Tim James, Dave Johnson, Tony Holmes, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Lisi Nortman, David Reddekopp, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“PAIRS” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who notes that this is fiction:

I fell from the top of the stairs,
And my body’s in need of repairs.
But I still found the time
To come up with this rhyme.
Now let’s see if Mad Kane really cares.

Tim James:

Twin sisters, so hot they drew stares,
Swung on by to relieve all his cares.
All misfortunes, you see,
Come in batches of three,
While the best things in life come in pairs.

Dave Johnson:

They used to grow apples and pears,
Filling grocery bins with their wares.
Now they’re serving us well
In this Trumpian spell;
With vineyards that drown all our cares.

Tony Holmes

It seems life likes to do things in twos,
Though exceptions abound to confuse.
Buns and boobs come in pairs,
As do hands: It all squares.
Evolution? Or planning – but whose?

Kirk Miller:

At the nudist camp, manager Fred
Said, “When walking, please carefully tread.
They are making repairs
On the sidewalk and stairs.”
“Please bare with us,” warning signs read.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (THEFT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

What’s important to Trump is the deal,
And it’s fine if you lie, cheat or steal.
It would really be nice
If his theft had a price –
Let’s say “20 to life,” no appeal.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

It seems that Viagra was stolen
By crooks who are mainly Angolan.
The newspaper said:
“Cops are full steam ahead
And looking for thieves who are swollen.”

Sharon Neeman:

A stripper with pasties and patch
Hid her diamonds high up in her snatch,
But a tale-bearing snitch
Went and told on the bitch,
And the stash was soon snatched — a good catch!

David Reddekopp:

She had beauty right down to an art
And she caused all my breath to depart.
“She is gorgeous,” I said,
And at that, I dropped dead,
For the woman had stolen my heart!

Dave Johnson:

A pickpocket fled from the bar;
He tried running, but failed to get far.
They ended the chase
In a parking lot space;
Seems someone had stolen his car.

David Friedman:

There once was a cold-hearted thief
Who only caused heartache and grief.
The worst thing he stole
Was our great nation’s soul,
And that’s our Commander in Chief.

Dave Johnson:

A burglar was just apprehended
In a manner that’s not recommended.
The loot had been stashed
In a trunk that was mashed;
His car was first chased then rear-ended.

Fred Bortz:

He copied and pasted the text
To submit to the Prof as his next
Class writing assignment.
But each stolen line meant
His teacher was thoroughly vexed.

Tim James:

A boy, an unlikable geek,
Stole some candy, an act of pure pique.
He got busted. His dad
Whupped his ass pretty bad.
(I could hardly sit down for a week.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (309)

Saturday, October 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A hacker of criminal bent
Pilfered money wherever he went.
Cyber bloodhounds gave chase,
But this guy was an ace ―
And he left them with nary a (s)cent.

Congratulations to LISI NORTMAN ARDISSONE, who wins the Special GAMBLING-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Online poker was making me bold,
And I thought I knew just when to fold
Up until my sweet spouse
Cried “There’s SNOW in the house!”
Then I realized my luck had gone cold.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Michael Moulton, Tim James, David Friedman, Sharon Neeman, Dave Johnson, Dale S. Biggs, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Tony Holmes, Ken Gosse, Margie Nairn, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“SCENT, SENT, or CENT” RHYME DIVISION)

Michael Moulton:

A man on a peak in a tent
Was a happily bean-eating gent.
But he fouled all the air,
Which was thin way up there;
Left him craving a rapid de-scent.

Tim James:

A communist wanted to rent
A young whore till his urges were spent.
But this hard-working doxy
Showed free-market moxie
And took him for ev’ry Red cent.

David Friedman:

Sherlock Holmes, peering down with back bent
Said, “Watson, I’m hot on the scent!”
But Watson said, “Rot!
I rather think not.
You just walked into soggy cement!”

Sharon Neeman:

I never will give my consent
To “infer” when “imply” is what’s meant,
“There” for “their,” “then” for “than,”
“Cant” for “can’t,” “may” for “can,”
Or a tab for a first line indent.

Dave Johnson:

The preacher yells “You must repent!
Damnation shall mark your descent!”
But salvation is not
His intention or thought;
These “sinners” keep paying the rent.

Dale S. Biggs:

A skunk doesn’t stink, but its spray
Keeps the skunk from becoming fair prey.
With a nasty, rank scent
From a gland they can vent
They’re the masters of all they survey!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GAMBLING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Joe’s luck at casinos in Reno
Has run dry, and that new palomino
That he liked at the track
Has now started to slack.
All he’s left with to play’s online Keno.

Brian Allgar:

“If he wins, I shall eat it!” I spat.
“Trump’s a moron, a spoiled, ageing brat!”
Today, I am rueing
My wager, still chewing
That huge, indigestible hat.

Tony Holmes:

“It’s a dead cert’!” he said of the horse.
I believed him and backed it, of course.
Dead was right! Lost my shirt,
Which, I promise you, hurt,
But not nearly as much as divorce.

Sharon Neeman:

MBS’s accounts all ring hollow,
And each version is harder to swallow.
Though I don’t often wager
On anything major,
I’ll bet there’s more bullshit to follow.

Ken Gosse:

He gambled that he could make sense
Of a string of unlucky events,
But the dots on his dice
Like the best men and mice
Went awry. (Not the kind that ferments.)

Tim James:

His casinos went bankrupt. This lout
Is a screw-up, without any doubt.
He’s incompetent, vain.
It’s increasingly plain
That we, as a nation, crapped out.

Margie Nairn:

My father would stop off for gambling;
On his way home from work he was rambling.
His money was spent
Down to every last cent,
So for rent we would always be scrambling.

Kirk Miller:

For people like me, there’s no doubt
That the gambling wheel carries much clout.
When I play, if I lose
Lots of cash, I may choose
To gamble more. Don’t roulette out.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Filed under Contests, Limerick Award Winners, Limerick Of The Week, Limerick Writing Contest

Limerick-Off Award (308)

Sunday, October 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

In the sack with an insecure guy,
She gave voice to a rapturous cry:
“You’ve a huge, awesome dick!”
It’s just part of her shtick:
When she lays, she relies on a lie.

Congratulations to Brian Allgar, who wins the Special TOOL-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I bought some new scissors. The packet
Was rigidly sealed. What a racket!
I tried – what a joke!
All my fingernails broke,
And I needed some scissors to crack it!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Ailsa McKillop, Thomas Vincent, Tim James, Alan Webb, Judith H. Block, Lisi Nortman, Kathleen Bartoletti, Sharon Neeman, Bruce Alter, Dave Johnson, Ken Gosse, and David Friedman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CRY” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

“Unfair!” the Republicans cry.
“Judge Kavanaugh’s our kind of guy!
Young Brett didn’t do it,
But if he did, screw it –
All boys will be boys when they’re high.”

Ailsa McKillop:

There’s a scurry; I stifle a cry.
In one second I’m yards (or well-nigh)
From the eight-legged beast —
Like lightning when greased!
In extremis, I’m really quite spry.

Thomas Vincent:

Christine has now sullied my name.
The media’s tarred me with shame.
So now I must cry,
And tell the big lie,
That Hillary Clinton’s to blame.

Tim James:

She refused to go out with me. Why?
’Cause she wants a more masculine guy.
She cut right to the quick,
Said I act like a chick.
Now excuse me. I need a good cry.

Alan Webb:

There are those who will heave a great sigh
Or, possibly, loudly decry
And come down on with hammer
The use of bad grammar
Committed by someone like I.

Judith H. Block:

When guilty, play “God card” and cry,
Shout and sniffle to cover your lie.
We don’t have to look far
To perceive what you are:
Just a callous, entitled white guy.

Lisi Nortman:

I never had sex with a guy
Till I married last eighth of July.
When he showed me his stuff,
My decision was tough:
Should I laugh or just break down and cry?

Kathleen Bartoletti:

’Twas a warm summer night, star-lit sky;
Urgent pleas in the dark, then a cry
As a spotlight uncovers
Two near-naked lovers
On the grass — and a cop standing by.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (TOOL LIMERICK DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

If you listened to all that he said,
And his words didn’t fill you with dread,
If you think Brett’s a saint,
I’m afraid that you ain’t,
The sharpest damn tool in the shed.

Sharon Neeman:

My dad said, “I’ll teach you two rules:
Number one: never buy shoddy tools.
Number two: don’t misuse!
Using hammers on screws
Or a cent for a fuse is for fools.”

Bruce Alter:

The plumber worked hard with her wrench
To cut off the toilet pipe stench,
But stopped to hit Fred
With the wrench on his head,
Because he kept calling her “wench.”

Tim James:

The slide rule? It no longer rules.
Carbon paper? Used only by fools.
Such things are, to me,
Like today’s GOP:
A collection of outdated tools.

Dave Johnson:

A tailgater – massively rude;
One finger was seen to protrude.
He flew by on the right,
Then a flashing blue light;
And that’s when that driver was screwed.

Ken Gosse:

There are times that I cry in my sleep,
When I think of that jerk and his veep,
Because highly paid fools
With their rules and their tools
Have failed to get rid of that creep.

David Friedman:

There once was a screwdriver, Phillip
Who screwed lots of screws but was still up
So, wanting some more,
He searched through the drawer,
And decided that he’d hit the drill up.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (307)

Saturday, September 29th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

There are those who’d resuscitate coal.
It’s a silly, illusory goal
Which we need (as is said)
Like a hole in the head ―
From the folks with their heads in a hole.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special SCHOOL SUPPLIES-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

She’s teaching a pole-dancing class;
Her students are grasping with sass.
They’re shinning to slide
And learning to ride
A skinny but tall piece of brass.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Thomas Vincent, Ailsa McKillop, Jim Gallagher, Byron Miller, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, Fred Bortz, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“HOLE or WHOLE” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

“This shoe making’s taking its toll,”
Said the cobbler. “I’m deep in the hole.
I’ve got boots on the shelf,
And old Satan himself,
Refuses to buy any sole.”

Ailsa McKillop:

I will beg, I will plead and cajole,
But knowing I lack self-control,
Keep the Mars bar (in batter
Deep-fried) from my platter,
Or else I’ll devour it whole.

Jim Gallagher:

The typical internet troll
May find it exceedingly droll
To be callous and crass
And then laugh off his ass,
But the sum of his parts is a hole.

Byron Miller:

Finding “women of size” to cajole,
Was a certain young Romeo’s goal;
He was totally sold
On exploring each fold,
In his quest for the ultimate hole.

Tim James:

A mare had decided to troll
Her lead stallion, who swallowed it whole.
“I’m afraid, stud, I’m late;
It’s your child I await.”
It was all a big joke. April Foal!

Sharon Neeman:

Asked the cop, “Why’re you diggin’ that hole?”
Sighed his neighbor, “For Ma… rest her soul.”
“For your Ma?” “Yep, she’s dead.”
“Gosh, what happened?” “She said
‘I’ll be damned if I let you go bowl!’”

Tony Holmes:

Does the grind of each day take its toll?
Are you living in fear for your soul?
There’s a cure that restores;
Buy a pair of plus-fours
And try getting that ball to the hole.

Lisi Nortman:

Oh Boy! We were on a great roll;
Three times in one night! (Bless his Soul.)
Way back in the day,
We sure knew how to play,
But now, he just can’t find that hole.

Brian Allgar:

“I’m the greatest the world ever knew!
Number 1 among Presidents – true!”
But he speaks though a hole
That expresses his soul,
So he constantly spews Number 2.

Fred Bortz:

When dividing the whole is the goal
Of a chemist, he counts by the mole.
But if you’re baking doughnuts
This fact makes you go nuts:
You can’t make a half of a hole.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SCHOOL SUPPLIES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Once paper and pencils and glue
Kept kids hushed for an hour or two.
Now teachers can’t cope
With the slippery slope
Of “I’ve got the new iPhone! Do you?”

Dave Johnson:

They met on a gallery walk
And went to a café to talk.
She thought he was nice
And texted him twice;
But he was just blackboard – no chalk.

Sharon Neeman:

Can you sell me some motorized shoes?
I need something stronger to use;
Forty kids in my classes
Are too many asses
To kick with my old Jimmy Choos.

Tim James:

I’ve done what most teachers will do:
Bought supplies so my kids muddle through.
If it helps, though, I ― HEY!
PUT THAT CELL PHONE AWAY!
Here’s the thing I can’t buy them: a clue.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (306)

Saturday, September 15th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I incinerate corpses for hire.
I just toss them right into the pyre.
Though some can’t take the heat,
There’s no place for cold feet.
I just hold those stiffs’ feet to the fire!

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special NERVE-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Bob Woodward is making this clear:
Our nation has plenty to “Fear.”
Trump’s unfitness to serve’s
An affront to our nerves,
While the G.O.P. smooches his rear.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Thomas Vincent, Lisi Nortman, Michael Moulton, Mike Burch, Tim James, Charley Simmons, Dave Johnson, and Tim Gray. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO NERVE/NERVES LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

While the doc made my hip new and sweet,
The retractor that held back the meat
Pinched a nerve in my thigh,
And they say that is why
I have numbness in one of my feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FEAT or FEET or DEFEAT” RHYME DIVISION)

Thomas Vincent:

A champion milker named Pete
Faced a heifer with only one teat.
Though he’d grunt and he’d wheeze,
No milk could he squeeze;
T’was Pete’s final udder defeat.

Sharon Neeman:

My advice — and I’ll pour it out neat:
If you hate the one holding the seat,
Don’t just gripe, bitch or frown;
Hit the polls! Vote them down!
You can’t win if you “vote with your feet.”

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Getting older is surely not sweet;
It makes me feel so obsolete.
My neck: It just sags.
My eyes look like bags.
And my boobs are now down to my feet.

Mike Moulton:

When Putin says, “Donald, let’s meet,”
The tone of his voice may seem sweet,
But when he says, “Jump!”
To President Trump
He expects him to sit at his feet.

Tim James:

There once was a man who would tweet
Just as fast as his mind could excrete.
In most every case
He had egg on his face;
In his mouth, both proverbial feet.

Mike Burch:

The Donald is white, rich, elite.
Thus he never will suffer defeat.
Forget all the polls:
The man drives a Rolls
And he gold-plates his toilet seat!

Charlie Simmons:

The Cannibal being discreet,
Ate his friend from his head to his feet.
The next day, belly achin’,
Both guilt-filled and shakin’,
He passed his old friend on the street.

Dave Johnson:

The Temptations were Motown’s elite,
Defining America’s beat.
Great hits were the rule
Plus the essence of cool,
Right down to the souls of their feet.

Sharon Neeman:

Though the other trainees were all fleet,
I outraced them — I knew how to cheat:
Through the barracks I crept
(Making sure that they slept)
And put leeches on all of their feet.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (NERVE/NERVES LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

It really does get on my nerves
To see how male Government pervs
Think they’re fit to hold power
But can’t last an hour
When faced with some cleavage and curves.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

My date had the ultimate gall
To inform me my boobs were “too small,”
To which I replied,
“Oh really, dear Clyde?
Where’s your shlong? I can’t find it at all!”

Dave Johnson:

Despicable Donald had nerve;
Along with refusing to serve,
This sniveling coward
Kept bragging to Howard,
Extolling his life as a perv.

Tim Gray:

My pal John was the first one to swerve,
Cuz he couldn’t hold on to his nerve.
At his first game of chicken,
He got a good lickin’…
And a crash that he didn’t deserve.

Tim James:

I’ve got shakes and my thinking is slow.
My hair’s graying; my nervous tics show.
Oh, for drug-induced bliss!
But there’s no pill for this.
And there’s fifty-six days still to go.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (305)

Saturday, September 1st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to THOMAS VINCENT, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A Hawaiian wahini named Kay
Met tourists, with flowers in May.
The plane landed late,
And it made the girl wait;
It was Kay’s May day lei lay delay.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Opera-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Eight P.M., and he meets a grim fate:
Watching op’ra, coerced by his date.
He just sits there and glowers.
Good God, it’s been hours!
(Though his watch only says 8:08.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Tim Gray, Tim James, David Franks, Kirk Miller, Jean McEwen, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, and Lisi Nortman. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “LAY” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO OPERA LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

Sneaking in from a casual lay,
I stumbled — tripped — fell all the way!
My wife shrieked, “What was that?”
I sang back, “’Twas the cat!”* —
Knowing “Pinafore” saved me that day!

* A line from the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta “HMS Pinafore”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“LAY” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes: (A Gentleman’s Response)

When addressed from the top of a dray,
“Move yor arse, mate! Yor blockin’ my way,”
I put car into gear
And, my feelings made clear,
Took my leave without further delay.

Tim Gray: (Trump’s Inner Thoughts)

Hey you people, so what’s the delay?
I say crown me the King. Now! Today!
It’s what you deserve.
It’s me that you serve,
And you know I ain’t going away!

Tim James:

Hay Mad, I just wanted to say
That I had to look up the word “ley.”
What a pain in the ass!
(It’s land used to grow grass.)
Please stop horsing around in this way.

Tony Holmes:

When Griselda, too long left to ley,
Felt the need of a roll in the hay,
She’d dispense with demure
And take steps to secure
What was needed, the old-fashioned way.

David Franks:

Could I see you at first light of day?
For my love for you begs me to say
That my bed is first-class –
It is big, made of brass –
And I want you to Lay Lady, Lay.

Sharon Neeman:

I feel awful! I’m nauseous! Oy vey!
“Cheetos” gave me such heartburn today!
(I refer to King Tweet,
Not a snack people eat
From a bag that is stamped “Frito-Lay.”)

Kirk Miller:

The new skating rink blueprints are nice,
But they carry a very high price.
Funding’s frozen and they
Say expect a delay,
So the architect put it on ice.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (OPERA LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

The tenor starts out with a speech.
The diva erupts with a screech.
When not screaming, they’re crooning.
Not stabbing? They’re swooning.
Get me out of here now, I beseech!

Brian Allgar: (Trump turns down an invitation to “Der Fliegende Holländer”)

“Fake News!” cries the Donald. “They’re lying!
This opera scam? I’m not buying!
Do they think I’m a fool
Or a dumb kid from school
To believe that some Dutchman is flying?”

Dave Johnson:

To the op’ra she wanted to go;
His instant reaction: Oh no!
(Same time as the game;
He needs something to blame.)
“My fart medication’s too slow!”

Lisi Nortman:

When one’s stabbed in the back, wow, that stings!
The pain is so bad, your heart wrings!
But in opera, NO:
When the blood starts to flow,
The tenor just gets down and sings!

Brian Allgar: (Trump attends a performance of “Die Zauberflőte”)

“Though her singing was more like a hoot,
The soprano was still kinda cute,
So after the show,
I grabbed – well, you know –
And I showed her my own magic flute.”

Tim James: (“Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.” — Mark Twain)

Sorry, Mark, but you’re way out of bounds;
Hearing Wagner’s like going ten rounds.
For days divas sing
’Bout some stupid old Ring,
While Mike Tyson my poor noggin pounds.

Kirk Miller:

There’s an opera singer named Mitch
Who, moreover, plays baseball, at which
He’s a hurler first rate.
And what makes him so great?
As with singing, he has perfect pitch.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (304)

Saturday, August 18th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

When Nathaniel goes out on a date
He displays a despicable trait:
All he wants is to screw;
All his dates post #metoo.
The misogyny’s truly inNate.

Congratulations to JEAN MCEWEN, who wins the Special Affairs-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Sylvester’s had multiple flings.
Defying convention, he swings!
He’s had threesomes galore,
Special fondness for four.
His motto? No strings and no rings!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Dave Johnson, Bruce Alter, Lisi Nortman, Tony Holmes, Val Fish, Judith H. Block, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“DATE/SEDATE” RHYME DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

Smiled one Smithie, “I think it’s just great
That the Prof asked you out for a date!”
Frowned the other, “It’s awful!
It shouldn’t be lawful
For men to presume that we’re straight.”

Brian Allgar:

The doctors had tried to sedate
Donald’s ravings of anger and hate,
But he’d scream and he’d swear
Till they got him to wear
A new jacket – the kind that is strait.

Dave Johnson:

He’s basking in amorous bliss,
With just an occasional hiss.
He’s assured that his date
Will forever be great;
For she’s an inflatable Miss.

Bruce Alter:

My advice to guys: Don’t tempt your fate!
This topic’s not up for debate.
Unless she is amorous,
(Even if glamorous)
Keep your grubby palms off of your date.

Lisi Nortman:

Oh wow! Did I have one cheap date!
I’ve never been so damn irate!
He asked me to drive
At the “thru window” dive
So that I’D pay the $2.98.

Tony Holmes:

Puritanical pater, Gil Spate,
Hard of hearing, misheard “masticate.”
“ONANISM IS WRONG!
If you cannot be strong,
Then you leave me no option: Sedate!”

Dave Johnson:

His girlfriend, demure and sedate,
Insisted that they’d have to wait.
Then she saw “Magic Mike.”
Her reaction was like:
“I’d love to be setting HIM straight!”

Lisi Nortman:

“You’ll find I’m a wonderful date,
And my dear, I must say you look great.
Please don’t mind if I’m jumpy,
Or get kind of grumpy.
I just broke out of prison upstate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (AFFAIRS-Themed LIMERICK DIVISION)

Val Fish:

I’d booked us a suite at The Grand.
Ev’ry detail was carefully planned,
But I’d NOT bargained for
That knock at the door;
The wife, divorce papers in hand.

Lisi Nortman:

Found pink panties right under my bed.
Did I holler or scream? No! Instead,
On Facebook they went,
Cause my dear hubby Trent
Seems to go for a big “center spread.”

Dave Johnson:

A traveling salesman named Rex
Was having some parking lot sex.
In the heat of it all,
He butt-dialed a call
That went to his soon-to-be ex.

Judith H. Block says:

Through the years, I’ve had many affairs.
It’s the truth; I’m not putting on airs.
And now that I’m older,
I still feel the smolder.
So as long as I’m wanted, who cares!

Dave Johnson:

Whenever they happen to meet,
He tells her “We must be discreet.
These moments we’ll share
With the utmost of care;
Robert Mueller has eyes on the street.”

Tim James:

An idiot had two affairs:
With a porn star and Playmate. Who cares?
Well, for starters, his wife.
For the rest of his life
It appears that he’ll need thoughts and prayers.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (303)

Saturday, August 4th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Now, a word that’s not easy to peg,
Is the word for the white of an egg.
Repeat “joke joke joke joke”
And you’ll think the word’s “yolk.”
But it’s not: I’ve been pulling your leg.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Special SPAM-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I tried on-line dating, but since
I’m finding it hard to convince
Any girls to reply,
I suppose I shall die
A lonely Nigerian Prince.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ken Gosse, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, Will T. Laughlin, Robert Schechter, Tony Holmes, David Franks, Tim James, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “YOKE/YOLK” RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO SPAM-THEMED LIMERICKS)

Ken Gosse:

One morning, my egg had a yolk
Which was green, like a St. Patrick’s joke.
And so was my ham,
So I wrote, “Spam I Am.”
Dr. Seuss sued, so now I am broke.

Sharon Neeman:

I’m allergic — Fate’s cruelest joke:
If you offer me peanuts, I’ll choke;
I get rashes from fruit
And from dairy I toot,
And I eat neither egg white nor yolk.

I throw up from salami and Spam;
I can’t touch chicken, duck, beef or ham;
I break out from tomatoes —
What’s left? Sweet potatoes
Thrice daily. I yam what I yam.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“YOKE/YOLK” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

He made a mistake when he spoke;
He said “would”, but meant “wouldn’t,” poor bloke.
Now he sulks in disgrace
With egg on his face —
Dumb Donald just can’t take a yolk.

Lisi Nortman:

In order to get to the yolk,
You give that cute sucker a poke.
Then gook will spill out
Like a damn gushing spout.
Cooking sucks. Just eat out. Go for broke.

Sharon Neeman:

“First you iron the sleeves, then the yoke,”
Grandma taught me, and “Sprinkle — don’t soak!”
Now I wear crinkle cotton,
But haven’t forgotten
The love in her voice when she spoke.

Dave Johnson:

Humpty Dumpty, like regular folk,
Would sit on the wall for a smoke.
But after his splat,
Said a fellow named Pratt:
“I told you that guy was a yolk.”

Will T. Laughlin:

I’m afraid I’m not one of those folk
Whose “yoke” sounds the same as their “yolk.”
Oh, I could pretend;
But I know, in the end,
I’d regret it the moment I… spolk?

Robert Schechter:

To those who are hip, wise and woke,
The white’s not as healthy as yolk,
So if you’re consumin’
Not yolk, but albumen,
It’s likely that soon you will croak.

Tony Holmes:

Svedish businessman, Jurgenson Svolke,
Was so large all his clothes were bespoke.
“Ven you’re sefen feed tall,
Normal clothes is too schmall;
Gedding trousers dat fit is no yoke.”

David Franks:

We’re a team, as if joined by a yoke,
And our “marital bond” we invoke,
But my wife made a noose,
For she didn’t deduce
That “the old ball and chain” is a joke.

Dave Johnson:

In rowing, he’s known as The Stroke;
Then there’s Starboard, another big bloke.
They power the shell
When it’s all going well
Like oxen attached to a yoke.

The rest of us try to keep pace;
Intent upon winning the race.
If we manage a burst
And we wind up in first,
Our coxswain gets launched into space.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPAM-THEMED LIMERICK DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Did you know that The Donald loves Spam?
I’m totally shocked. (Yes I am.)
But now on reflection,
There is a connection.
Of course! He’s the world’s biggest HAM!

Tim James:

What’s in Spam? Here, I’ll give it a stab:
Salt and nitrite (both more than a dab),
Sugar, water, starch, meat.
It won’t hurt you to eat,
Though it looks like it’s grown in a lab.

Konrad Schwoerke:

From my snooze, I awoke to the stews’
Cries for women and children, in queues.
What could cause all this panic?
Was this the Titanic?
It was Spam on our Carnival cruise.

Dave Johnson:

This P.O.T.U.S. is such a big sham;
He embodies the flim and the flam.
Dr. Seuss would prescribe
One fate for his tribe:
A diet of green eggs and Spam.

David Franks:

It’s not marmoset, egret or lamb;
Neither lizard, nor hagfish, nor clam;
Not giraffe, worm, dog, cat,
Yeast, turducken or bat,
Nor planarian. I’m guessing Spam.

Lisi Nortman:

Even though it was clearly a sham,
I opened this e-mail. (Oh damn!)
It said, “Here’s a great plan:
It’s called ‘Pork In A Can'”
(Any jerk could just tell it was Spam.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (302)

Saturday, July 21st, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to WILL T. LAUGHLIN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Poor Billy. He fell for the spell
Of the belle of the ball. All was well,
’Til he swung her and tripped
At the moment they dipped,
And we all heard the bawl of the belle.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special Punishment-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Kinky punishment’s part of her act,
And at times she wears costumes. In fact,
With one client, for fun,
She dressed up like a nun.
But it wasn’t his knuckles she whacked.

Congratulations to Sharon Neeman and Brian Allgar, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange, written because they apparently found my limerick theme choice to be punishing:

Sharon Neeman:

This week’s challenge is far from sublime:
Mad has found us a verb with no rhyme!
Not “astonish” or “banish”
Or “donnish” or “vanish” –
Just “nunnish,” which wastes all our time.

Brian Allgar:

Poor Sharon complains that this week
The lack of a rhyme-verb is bleak,
And to seek one for “punish”
Could only be funnish
For one with a masochist streak.

Madeleine Begun Kane:

Please don’t punish the judge for her theme-choice.
(One might modishly call it her meme-choice.)
For you’re free as a bird
To select any word
And determine your own rhyming scheme-choice.

Brian Allgar: (written, Brian claims, after a few drinks)

Dear Mad –

I washn’t intending to critishize
But shimply attempting to wittishize
Poor Sharon’s shad plight
As besht as I might
Through whishky-befuddled old British eyes

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners, in random order: Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, David Reddekopp, Dave Johnson, Steve Whitred, Tony Holmes, Will T. Laughlin, Mark Westin, Lisi Nortman, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Ken Gosse, and Jean McEwen. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PUNISHMENT LIMERICKS)

Sharon Neeman:

“Come lie down and be whipped,” hissed the “pastor;”
“You have shown disrespect to your master.”
His “disciple,” sweet Belle,
Grinned and answered “Like hell!
Though you’re older and bigger, I’m faster.”

Brian Allgar:

An athletic young hooker called Belle
Said “You’ve been a bad boy, I’ve heard tell.”
So she spanked and she spanked
While the President wanked,
Till his bum was bright orange as well.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BELL / BELLE / REBEL-RHYME DIVISION)

David Reddekopp:

There once was a fellow named Mel,
Whose date was proceeding quite well;
He was baring it all
With the belle of the ball –
Then he saw the two balls of the belle.

Dave Johnson:

He’s dating a true Southern belle
Who’s gracious and gorgeous as well.
We talked for a while
And he said with a smile:
“She’s horny and I’m feeling swell.”

Stephen Whitred:

Neither ask who is tolling the bell,
Nor for whom is its sorrowful knell,
Cuz the answer you see
Is it’s ringing for thee,
And you’re Donne for, or so I hear tell.

Tony Holmes:

When I ponder the night I met Belle
All the veins in my neck start to swell.
She was coy, I had gold;
She took charge, I got rolled –
But ’twas ME spent the night in a cell!

Will T. Laughlin:

From the depths of Political Hell
Came the sharp, metaphorical yell
Of a crotch-grabbing schmuck
With his short fingers stuck
In the crack of the Liberty Bell.

Dave Johnson:

When someone says “clear as a bell”
My question is: how does it knell?
Does transparency bring
A much zingier ding,
With a dong that is longer as well?

Mark Westin:

In the old days ’twas telephone hell
When the circuits were ruled by Ma Bell,
Till a wireless coup
Promised freedom anew.
But we wound up enslaved by the cell.

Lisi Nortman:

Ten items at checkout? Oh hell!
I’ve eleven, but no one can tell.
I just must buy that treat
Or my doggie won’t eat.
(And what a cool way to rebel!)

Stephen Whitred says:

What I said was as clear as a bell,
And our summit was super and swell.
He’s my biggily bear,
And I really don’t care
That he calls me his mademoiselle.

Tim James:

A woman was hotter than hell,
But she couldn’t do math very well.
“Four plus four’s forty-four.
Maybe less? Maybe more?”
She’s well-known as a true ding-dong belle.

Konrad Schwoerke:

In high school, I always did well,
But my shyness made being there hell.
My virginity loomed
(I’d have sworn I was doomed);
Then, at prom, I was saved by the belle.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PUNISHMENT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Will T. Laughlin:

And now, for his manifold sins,
Trump’s punishment truly begins:
His dreadful remarks
Got the man who hates sharks
In hot water, surrounded by Fin(n)s.

Ken Gosse:

Trump would punish potential rebellion
By demanding that each wanton hellion
Watch his face night and day,
And hear all that he’d say.
His draconian touch was Orwellian.

Sharon Neeman:

Snatching kids makes America big?
Throw the Snatcher-in-Chief in the brig!
Make him pay for his fun:
Give that immigrant’s son
A new jumpsuit — same shade as his wig.

Jean McEwen:

You’ve committed a terrible crime,
But you’d rather not serve lots of time.
Disinclined to repentance?
Then ponder this sentence:
Old Sparky is truly sublime!

Sharon Neeman:

At dinner, if ever I said
Something nasty, they sent me to bed —
So I often was rude:
“Reading’s better than food;
Let my brothers do dishes instead!”

Konrad Schwoerke:

I’m emotional during my time,
And I sob at the drop of a dime.
I was wailing when nailed;
Now I’m wailing while jailed.
I-I’m putting the cry-y in crime.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (301)

Saturday, July 7th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

Her car’d broken down in Nantucket.
A driver pulled up. She said, “Fuck it!
The engine won’t go.
Could you give me a tow?”
So he pulled off a shoe and said “Suck it.”

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Special Joint-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I wondered, when handed the ointment,
Exactly what “rub on your joint” meant,
’Cause needless to say,
I was wasted that day.
And that reefer? A big disappointment.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Chad Parenteau, Sharon Neeman, Fred Bortz, Brian Allgar, Wendy Watson, Tony Holmes, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TOE/TOW/CHATEAU” RHYME DIVISION)

Dave Johnson:

The challenge was touching your toe;
Bent over, how low could you go?
Years later, we’re told
That instruction was sold
By pill makers needing to grow.

Lisi Nortman:

My Labrador loves tic tac toe
And considers herself quite a pro.
Yet I win every game,
And it’s really a shame
That she can’t tell an “x” from an “o.”

Chad Parenteau:

There once was a man on the go
Who ended up breaking his toe.
Insurance insisted
The pain pre-existed,
And all he could do was cry, “No!”

Sharon Neeman:

Said the lass to the big-footed trucker,
“Can you tow me?” — eyes wide, lips a-pucker.
“I sure can, dear — let’s go!”
Whereupon his big toe
Was employed by the trucker to fuck her.

Fred Bortz:

In Phantom, a musical show,
There’s a moment of “Look out below!”
The chandelier crashes.
The panicked crowd dashes,
And that’s how I broke my big toe.

Dave Johnson:

So here’s how his morning would go:
He started off stubbing a toe.
The car wouldn’t start;
Then a seatmate did fart
On a crowded bus going too slow.

Arriving at work rather late,
His boss – a real jerk – hollered “Nate!
We’re giving your job
To a newbie named Rob;
And you’re to take mine – which you’ll hate.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (JOINT LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

There are sex joints for prosties and panders;
There are card joints for slick sleight-of-handers;
But the joint that I choose
Is the one that made news
Kicking out Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Brian Allgar:

At ‘The Family Butcher,’ they say
Half their family vanished away.
When they looked in the shop
They found joints of Grandpop,
Leg of Dad, and poor Mother’s filet.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I tried this new stuff from a jar
Which claims it will help you “go far.”
It oils up your knees
So that running’s a breeze.
(And it also works great on your car.)

Wendy Watson:

My joints are engendering pain,
And I’ll never do handstands again.
As for pliés – no chance,
And a hot salsa dance
Would result in a gluteal strain.

Tony Holmes:

It attacks, unannounced, in one spot,
Then retrenches and takes its next shot.
Ankles, knees and big toes –
Sometimes heels; then gout goes
And resurfaces where it was not.

Tim James:

I once knew a woman named Lee;
What a great source of fun she could be!
Always good for a buzz,
Double-jointed she was.
That’s to say: one for her, one for me.

Tony Holmes:

In my youth I knew nothing of dread;
Leapt, gazelle-like, each morning from bed.
But today, should I leap,
I’d collapse in a heap;
Seems the springbok within me has fled.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (300)

Saturday, June 23rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A gal with an awesome physique
And a smile that’s sublime and unique
Fills my every need
With both ardor and speed.
(It’s my third trip to Hooters this week.)

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Vision/Eye-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The surgeon believed it was wise
To operate on his own eyes.
His team expressed doubt
When the scalpel came out.
“Suture self!” were his colleagues’ replies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman, Edmund Conti, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Wendy Watson, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WEAK/WEEK” RHYME DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I caught that louse, Robert last week
At “La Cheat On Your Spouse” near the creek:
First a passionate kiss
With such obvious bliss,
Then a slow dance for two, “Sneak To Sneak.”

Brian Allgar:

My joints are beginning to creak,
And my legs are increasingly weak.
But although I am slowing,
My value is growing;
I’ll soon be a priceless antique.

Edmund Conti:

A common cartoonist technique
Is drawing a mouse. You scream “eek!”
And jump on a chair
Conveniently there.
The last panel is typically weak.

Armchair Poet:

It’s SAD when deplorables seek
A strongman with morals so weak.
They claim to be winning.
It looks more like sinning,
With a future increasingly bleak.

Wendy Watson:

A sporting young lady called Clare
Tried a parachute jump for a dare.
Though her nerves were quite weak
She survived the technique,
Though she landed with legs in the air!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VISION/EYE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

An optometrist’s office implies
It’s a place where this saying applies:
“If your vision is wrecked,
You should go get it checked
At a place that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Sharon Neeman:

There’s not a thing wrong with my eyes!
But the newspaper font’s gone half-size,
And my glasses and keys
Disappear with great ease
Till I find them again by surprise.

Brian Allgar:

My vision is still pretty hot,
And I don’t use my glasses a lot,
Though I put on my specs
When indulging in sex
To ensure that I find the right spot.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

He held up some letters to view
Then said, “Try to read just a few.”
I looked up and down
And replied with a frown:
“Sorry, Doc, I can’t even see YOU.”

Jean McEwen:

Visine never works, ’cause I blink,
And the drops just land right in the sink.
Down my cheeks the tears roll.
I’ve got zero control,
So my eyes remain itchy and pink.

Tim James:

There’s a myth that my mom used to tell:
“Self-abuse shoots your eyesight to hell
Quite inexorably.”
But that’s bunk. I can see
Ev’ry hair on my palms very well.

Dave Johnson:

He sat on a boat in the bay
And stared at his phone come what may.
Whale watchers nearby
Claim he never did spy
That dorsal fin ten feet away.

Lisi Nortman:

I’m annoyed at my dense husband Fred,
Who at times will act just like he’s dead.
He won’t help clean the house,
He a shiftless ’ole spouse,
And I think that his “lazy eye’s” spread.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (299)

Saturday, June 9th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

He was shipwrecked, and swam for a mile
Before reaching a small desert isle.
Three huge natives appeared,
And the mariner feared
For his life, till one said with a smile:

“Though we used to be cannibals – vile!
Human flesh is no longer our style.
So Fee, Fo and Fum
Won’t be eating you, chum …
But I’m sorry to say Grandpa Fi’ll.”

Congratulations to ARMCHAIR POET, who wins the Special Parenting-Themed Limerick Award for this funny 3-verse limerick:

As a father, he isn’t so great.
His own daughter, he deigned once to rate.
Donald said of his lass,
“She’s a nice piece of ass!
Were I younger, we’d probably date.”

Donald Jr.’s a chip off the block.
His divorce didn’t come as a shock.
“Why not cheat like my Dad?
Surely I won’t be sad,
’Cause my next wives are certain to rock.”

Poor Eric’s not brilliant, it’s true:
His deep thoughts, far between, and quite few.
While his musings are lame,
He’s not really to blame;
He inherited Donald’s IQ.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Steve Whitred, Sharon Neeman, Mike Shulman, Konrad Schwoerke, Bob Dvorak, Byron Miller, a/k/a Errol Nimbly, Tim James, Daphne Steinberg, Jean McEwen, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, Brian Allgar, and Tony Holmes. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: FILE-RHYME LIMERICKS THAT ARE ALSO PARENTING LIMERICKS)

Steve Whitred:

Raising children is often a trial,
Like you’re stuck behind bars for a while;
Every birthday you ache
As you search through their cake
For a lock-pick, a key, or a file.

Sharon Neeman:

A black parent’s advice to a son:
“Don’t scare white kids — not even in fun;
Don’t pretend you’re on crack;
Never carry a sack;
And don’t dare turn your back on a gun.

Never shove — stand in line, single file;
Don’t let insolence show in your smile;
Study hard; never fail;
Go to Harvard or Yale —
And you’ll stay out of jail… for a while.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“FILE” RHYME DIVISION)

Mike Shulman:

A fetishist hacker named Kyle
Fancied footwear no matter the style.
He’d rub and he’d sniff,
Save the flats as a GIF
And the heels as a video file.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Philanderer Phineas Phial
Is a marathon runner from Lyle.
When this horndog is training,
He’s never abstaining:
“Cuz a miss is as good as a mile.”

Bob Dvorak:

I write limericks once in a while,
Trying hard to elicit a smile.
Wrote my best one last night,
But a mischievous sprite
Hacked my drive and deleted the file.

Byron Miller:

When they find a new boy to defile,
Papal priests will line up for a mile;
The occasional deacon
Is likely to sneak in
And leave with a devious smile.

Tim James:

He got thrown into jail for a while
When they caught him at something quite vile.
In a library nook
He made love to a book.
You could say he’s a bibliophile.

Steve Whitred:

There’s a quirk in my limerick style
That’s been irking me now for a while;
They all scan pretty well,
But they’re blander than hell.
So they’re tossed in the circular file.

Daphne Steinberg, for her Note from Melania to Number Four:

Before you two walk down the aisle,
In my shoes you would well walk a mile.
He’s a cheat and a louse
And a horrible spouse.
Have doubts? Check my private eye’s file.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (PARENTING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Jean McEwen:

Even though my kids don’t start their day
Eating oatmeal and yogurt, I say:
Fuck the dental technician
And rules of nutrition!
Count Chocula says it’s OK!

Dave Johnson:

Her parents were gone for the day,
So Alex came over to play.
But they didn’t know
That Alexa would glow
And record what was coming her way.

Then contacts were found on a list;
She sent them the sounds of their tryst.
Reactions were fast;
The folks were aghast.
If only they’d cuddled and kissed…

Lisi Nortman:

My toddler’s extremely cute,
And we’ve never had any dispute,
But she talks a blue streak,
So for only one week
I’d love a control that says “mute.”

Brian Allgar:

Trump’s parents, I’m sorry to say,
Abandoned the old-fashioned way.
He sucked on a dummy
Instead of his mummy;
That’s why he’s a dummy today.

Lisi Nortman:

“Take it easy, my sweet darling, Leigh.
I’ll get lunch for the kids, watch and see.”
“Thanks, the twins just like cheese,
But our Gail’s hard to please.”
(To which he replied, “We’ve got THREE?”)

Brian Allgar:

“This parenting sometimes can vex,”
She complained, “when you find you’ve had sex
With your son. And it’s sad
That he killed his own Dad –
I have to say, Oedipus wrecks.”

Dave Johnson:

With little ones out of the way,
The parents decided to play.
They later found out
That the kids were about;
And Snapchat can ruin your day.

Tony Holmes:

Dad insisted, ‘You’ll do as I say!’
I absconded the very next day.
’Twas many years later
I found out that Pater
Had rigged things to work out that way.

Tim James:

My son is a bully named Mitch.
He’s defiant, a sneak and a snitch.
When I ask who’s to blame,
Dad says I was the same.
Isn’t karma an absolute bitch?

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (298)

Sunday, May 27th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny 2-verse limerick:

An amorous couple began
Canoodling back in the can.
Six miles up above,
Making passionate love;
A door lock was part of the plan.

But turbulence had its own way;
An air pocket ruined their play.
As they both tumbled out,
The fellow would shout:
“We’re flying United, OK?”

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Special GIFT-Themed Limerick Award for this limerick, which is both funny and educational:

A Berliner whose marital bed
Had grown cold took a mistress instead.
His Frau was quite miffed.
So she gave him a Gift,
Which is German for “poison.” He’s dead.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this 2-verse limerick:

My 80-year-old Grandpa Solly
Had a sexy young neighbor named Polly.
On his birthday, she said,
“If you come to my bed,
I’ll give you good times with my dolly.”

Since Solly’s a family man,
He first asked his wife, Grandma Fran.
With a smile sweet and wide,
She most sagely replied,
“Of course, dear. You may… if you can.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sharon Neeman, Tony Holmes, Mike Shulman, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Konrad Schwoerke, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman, and Fred Bortz. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTION (DOUBLE DUTY DIVISION: “CAN” RHYME LIMERICK THAT IS ALSO GIFT-THEMED)

Sharon Neeman:

My cat’s an incurable giver,
Though her presents do cause me to shiver:
She’ll bring into the house
A dead lizard or mouse
Or what once was a bird’s heart or liver.

If she hasn’t been hunting that day,
She will give me a hairball (oy vey!)
It’s all part of her plan:
She just does what she can
To make sure I don’t give her away.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“CAN” RHYME DIVISION)

Tony Holmes:

“I give you permission. You may.
So, do not demur, or delay.
Are you able? You can?
Oh, that’s splendid! Good man!
Well, do carry on then. Good day!”

Mike Shulman:

A homely old dullard named Danny
Thought to spice up the look of his fanny.
He sat on a fan,
Thus dissecting one can,
And declared his new profile uncanny.

Brian Allgar:

“Remember who said ‘Yes we can’?”
Said the Donald. “Well, I gotta plan
To destroy every act,
Every treaty or pact
That the Kenyan impostor began!”

Sharon Neeman:

He looked rich, he walked tall, he talked swell,
And he turned women’s heads — but the smell
That he left in the can
Was sufficient to ban
Him forever from every hotel.

Armchair Poet:

When his search for VP first began,
Trump desired an affirmative man.
So when asked if he’d mind
Kissing lots of behind,
“Not at all” Pence replied, “I sure can!”

Patrice Stewart:

When she dances the can-can, you can
See exactly where (blank) meets that tan.
As her long legs kicked higher,
His groin was on fire –
Eyes met, he waved cash: happy man.

Tim James:

I built Drea, my droid, with a bust
Made from milk jugs, quite large and out-thrust.
Her butt’s smooth and tan
(It’s an old root beer can.)
Now my toaster is burning with lust.

Tony Holmes:

A part of me says that I wouldn’t
Another’s convinced that I couldn’t.
But why not? I’m a MAN;
I’m allowed if I can!
The judge took the view that I shouldn’t.

Konrad Schwoerke:

My cooking’s the best—I’m the man—
If you like all your meals from a can.
I can make stuff from scratch,
But it varies by batch;
You might say it’s a flash in the pan.

Dave Johnson:

When thinking you can’t but you can,
Just try with this one simple plan:
Put the usual don’ts
In a box with your won’ts,
Then begin like before they began.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (GIFT-GIVING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

The horse was enormous, of teak;
The Trojans admired its physique.
Said Hector,”It’s nice,
But how much is the price?”
“None at all, it’s a gift”, said the Greek

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

I bought some perfume for Marie,
Who then handed it over to Leigh.
Leigh gave it to Jo,
Who said, “Here’s a gift, Flo.”
Two weeks later, it came back to me.

Sharon Neeman:

Sometimes gifts don’t result from affection;
Sometimes motives do not pass inspection —
And the proof can be seen
Back in 2016,
When the Russians gave Trump the election.

Armchair Poet:

Brian’s poems are far too sublime.
But perhaps he’ll have mercy next time.
As a gift to us all,
He could just take the fall,
And compose an inferior rhyme.

Fred Bortz:

In politics, wouldn’t you know,
That when given a quid, there’s a quo.
So when getting a gift,
You had better be swift
To respond with whatever you owe.

Dave Johnson:

In order to patch up their rift,
He opted to buy her a gift.
His choice was a wig
Three sizes too big;
Reaction was angry and swift.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (297)

Saturday, May 12th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to SHARON NEEMAN, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

It isn’t an absence of will
That makes pelicans gorge till they’re ill:
They acquired great fame
In the fish-catching game,
And they have to keep filling the bill.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Special BEAUTY-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Oh, those contests! The Donald would feast
With his lecherous hands (at the least)
On each startled young cutie;
Each barely-clad beauty
Was grabbed by a waddling beast.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Armchair Poet, Jean McEwen, Val Fish, Patrice Stewart, Tim James, Sharon Neeman, Brian Allgar, Lisi Nortman, Dave Johnson, and Stephen Fleming. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BILL” RHYME DIVISION)

Ira Bloom:

“Do these jeans make my butt look big, Bill?”
Asked the wife, in a voice that was shrill.
“Not at all,” he replied,
In a tone that was snide,
“But you might want to lay off the krill.”

Armchair Poet:

On 5th Ave, with a gun, he could kill.
And his base would blame Hillary, still.
Trump’s affairs and assaults,
They just call minor faults.
Something MUCH worse was done first by Bill.

Jean McEwen:

Someone snorted cocaine for a thrill,
And left snot on this ten dollar bill.
I’m imploring you, honey,
Please launder the money.
Scrub it well, ’cause I’m feeling quite ill.

Val Fish:

The cigar trick had proved a great thrill.
It was all going well up until
He came on her dress,
A warm sticky mess,
But she saved on the dry cleaning bill.

Patrice Stewart:

Yvonne went prepared for it all:
Whip, stilettos, red lips, six feet tall.
Clients gasped at her skill,
Meekly paying the bill
On those evenings when she was on call.

Tim James:

For decades, O’Reilly’s big thrill
Was harassing the ladies, until
Fox figured it out.
Then they booted the lout.
’Twas one hell of an overdue Bill.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (BEAUTY LIMERICK DIVISION)

Sharon Neeman:

I’m wondering just what they think —
Those people who preen, primp and prink,
Who make it their duty
To spend cash on beauty,
Ignoring the fact that they stink.

Brian Allgar:

Said the Donald, “That girl was a beaut!
A Russian musician, so cute.
Though she played the viola,
Some good ol’ payola
Soon taught her to blow on my flute.”

Lisi Nortman:

Ms. Senior America’s soon,
And I want all the judges to swoon.
The winner will be
(And all must agree)
The gal who looks least like a prune.

Dave Johnson:

Her beauty is known far and wide;
So many have been by her side.
Majestic and tall,
She has welcomed them all;
Our symbol of national pride.

Armchair Poet:

A girl who starts out as a cutie,
And yearns to become a great beauty,
Must read Glamour and Elle,
Vogue and Harper’s as well;
A chore, but it’s really her duty.

Stephen B. Fleming:

Letitia, the loveliest lass,
Has a glorious bosom and ass.
Either coming or going,
Her best side is showing.
Take a gander; it’s truly first-class.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (296)

Saturday, April 28th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to KONRAD SCHWOERKE, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

I research old age and disease,
But it’s grim, so I joke and I tease.
My new study’s complex;
It involves lots of sex-
Agenarian interviewees.

Congratulations to DAVE JOHNSON, who wins the Special EGO-Themed Limerick Award for this clever ACROSTIC limerick:

There’s nobody smarter than me;
Renowned as no other can be.
Unlike all the rest,
My brain is the best;
Perfection, you’ll have to agree!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Brian Allgar, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Tony Holmes, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, Bob Dvorak, Brenda Bryant a/k/a Rinkly Rimes, Fred Bortz, Dave Johnson, Tim James, and Byron Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“TEASE” RHYME DIVISION)

Brian Allgar:

Mar-a-Lago: surrounded by tees,
The hooker was down on her knees.
But she laughed when he stood
And presented his “wood” –
It was roughly the size of a bee’s.

Sharon Neeman:

Spring means ditching our sweaters for tees,
Showing ankles and calves — perhaps knees —
And, alone in the grass
With a lad or a lass,
Joining in with the birds and the bees.

Jean McEwen:

At the beauty salon, I said “Please:
I need highlights, a trim, and a tease.”
Now, my hair’s full of mats,
Like a nest full of rats.
On my head there’s a hive full of bees!

Tony Holmes:

When Black Widow Nellie’s in heat
Every male on her menu is sweet.
She will put them at ease,
With some tickle and tease,
Then it’s consummate nuptials – and eat.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Please enjoy our assorted fine teas.
Domestic? Perhaps Cantonese?
We’ve added some weed
To assure that, indeed,
You’ll come back and request a reprise.

Bob Dvorak:

My son, in his 2’s, pushing 3’s,
Begs me, “Daddy, please help me out, please!
“It’s the AY-BEE-CEE song
“That’s just awfully long!
“I can never get past AR-ESS-TEEs!”

Brenda Bryant:

I am prone to forgetting my keys,
Or they fall down the back of settees.
It is rather a bore
When I can’t lock the door,
But the burglars can get in with ease.

Fred Bortz:

He orders, “Get down on your knees,
And prove that you know how to please
With your full, ruby lips.
Then let’s finish with whips.”
Oh, that Marquis de Sade’s such a tease!

Dave Johnson:

The dancers – all handsome and thrilling,
Have clients so happy and willing.
With ladies to please
They are more than a tease;
Their job is both hard and fulfilling.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (EGO LIMERICK DIVISION)

Fred Bortz, who calls his limerick “In-augur-ation Day”:

He dismisses the experts (statistical),
And relies on his sycophants (mystical),
Whose tally (“Oh, Mama!
You’ve doubled Obama.”)
Feeds into his needs (egoistical).

Sharon Neeman:

When he says “I’m the best! Did you ever
Know anyone my kind of clever?”
I won’t spew, gag, or fart;
With my hand on my heart,
I’ll say “No, Mr. President. Never.”

Jean McEwen:

I suspect that the famed Sigmund Freud
Would with me be profoundly annoyed.
My id has gone wild.
My virtue, defiled.
My ego? It’s underemployed.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

In Paris, the Hilton’s elite,
But the girl with that name ain’t so sweet.
She thinks that she’s great,
Just really first-rate;
She even will kiss her own feet.

Tim James:

If it’s brains that you want, I’m the best;
And my wit far outshines all the rest.
But you’ll soon come to see
What’s the best about me:
I’m so humble. You’ll be quite impressed.

Byron Miller:

If you’re human, you need to be right;
Someone tells you you’re wrong, it’s a slight.
Despite tiptoes and tact,
Watch the ego react
Every time, and defensively fight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick-Off Award (295)

Saturday, April 14th, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

“I’m sure you’re much bigger than Clark,”
Murmured Lois. They stripped in the dark.
“Now, do me in doggy.”
On sex, he was foggy,
So Superman started to bark.

Congratulations to RANDOLPH WAGNER, who wins the Special Spring-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

Birds chirp with great gusto. Bees hum.
Jack caresses Jill’s well-rounded bum.
These are signs of the season,
Both bawdy and pleasin’,
Since Jack, Jill, and spring have all come.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“It’s Springtime! I’m gonna embark
On destroying each national park.
Instead of birds trilling,
You’ll hear only drilling.
Signed, X” (the illiterate’s mark)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Marty Gerendasy, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, Konrad Schwoerke, Doug Harris, Bruce Niedt, John Bergstrom, Byron Miller, Tony Holmes, Dave Johnson, Lisi Nortman Ardissone, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“BARK” RHYME DIVISION)

Fred Bortz:

In my favorite botanical park
There’s a sign someone wrote on a lark:
“This tree’s no magnolia.
It’s dogwood, I tol’ ya.
I know by the sound of its bark.”

Marty Gerendasy:

Every night the young man would embark
To a nice cozy spot in the park.
In a place cool and shady
He’d meet a young lady
Who’d do her best work after dark.

Sharon Neeman:

They had started to “park” in the dark
When her Peke nipped his hand — left a mark!
“Damn that pooch!” he complained;
She shrugged, “Why? He’s well trained!
Did you notice? Not even a bark!”

Jean McEwen:

I’ve been ratted out bad by a narc.
Now they’re raiding the damn trailer park.
Toss the stash in the trash!
Stuff the cash in the cache!
ATTACK, useless mutt! Don’t just bark!

Konrad Schwoerke:

My paranoid neighbor named Mark
Once had dogs that would constantly bark.
Then the law came and caught ’em;
I cheered when they got ’em,
But now there’s a moat with a shark.

Doug Harris:

He played with black holes for a lark,
His matter essentially dark.
And still we’re uncorking
The theories of Hawking,
With infinite bytes to his bark …

Bruce Niedt:

A frustrated beaver named Clark
Gnawed at trees, leaving nary a mark.
Said his dentist, “It’s clear
What is going on here –
Your bite is much worse than your bark.”

John Bergstrom:

Some sailors debarked in the dark
And hurried downtown for a lark.
It’s not like you heard –
They just wanted a bird
To sing to them back on the barque.

Byron Miller:

Skipper sailed round the point in the dark;
We’d been blown by the gale, off the mark.
Though we tried a broad reach,
We washed up on the beach:
And the bight did its worst to the barque.

Tony Holmes:

“Yes, our dogs like to roam after dark,
And we give them the run of the park.
It’s unwise to intrude;
If you do, then you’re food.
And a dog busy bitin’ don’t bark.”

HONORABLE MENTIONS (SPRING LIMERICK DIVISION)

Marty Gerendasy:

Frigid blasts from the north, they still blow,
And the sidewalks are buried in snow.
It’s supposed to be spring,
But that don’t mean a thing
When the wind chill is forty below!

Fred Bortz:

It’s springtime. The world is bucolic,
And lovers are eager to frolic.
That’s the goal of the chase,
But prepare, just in case,
With a bev’rage (of course, alcoholic.)

Jean McEwen:

From the slammer, I’m planning to spring.
But first, I need someone to bring
Me a shiv, drill, and wrench.
Then I’ll dig a deep trench.
And make sure that my cellmate don’t sing.

Dave Johnson:

It’s springtime – we’re Marching away
From snowy and blowy each day.
We’ll put up with showers
That grow April flowers;
And hope to warm up, come what May.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

Is it April in Paris again?
I fondly remember just when
The trees were in bloom,
They smelled like perfume,
And I drowned that damn cheat in the Seine.

Tim James:

Do you know what I hate about Spring?
It’s this “paying the IRS” thing.
What’s OK to deduct?
(Oh my God, I’m so fuct.)
It all ends with my ass in a sling.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!