Posts Tagged ‘Edmund Conti’

Limerick-Off Award (300)

Saturday, June 23rd, 2018

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to TIM JAMES, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny limerick:

A gal with an awesome physique
And a smile that’s sublime and unique
Fills my every need
With both ardor and speed.
(It’s my third trip to Hooters this week.)

Congratulations to FRED BORTZ, who wins the Special Vision/Eye-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The surgeon believed it was wise
To operate on his own eyes.
His team expressed doubt
When the scalpel came out.
“Suture self!” were his colleagues’ replies.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Lisi Nortman, Edmund Conti, Brian Allgar, Armchair Poet, Wendy Watson, Kirk Miller, Sharon Neeman, Jean McEwen, and Dave Johnson. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

HONORABLE MENTIONS (“WEAK/WEEK” RHYME DIVISION)

Lisi Nortman:

I caught that louse, Robert last week
At “La Cheat On Your Spouse” near the creek:
First a passionate kiss
With such obvious bliss,
Then a slow dance for two, “Sneak To Sneak.”

Brian Allgar:

My joints are beginning to creak,
And my legs are increasingly weak.
But although I am slowing,
My value is growing;
I’ll soon be a priceless antique.

Edmund Conti:

A common cartoonist technique
Is drawing a mouse. You scream “eek!”
And jump on a chair
Conveniently there.
The last panel is typically weak.

Armchair Poet:

It’s SAD when deplorables seek
A strongman with morals so weak.
They claim to be winning.
It looks more like sinning,
With a future increasingly bleak.

Wendy Watson:

A sporting young lady called Clare
Tried a parachute jump for a dare.
Though her nerves were quite weak
She survived the technique,
Though she landed with legs in the air!

HONORABLE MENTIONS (VISION/EYE LIMERICK DIVISION)

Kirk Miller:

An optometrist’s office implies
It’s a place where this saying applies:
“If your vision is wrecked,
You should go get it checked
At a place that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Sharon Neeman:

There’s not a thing wrong with my eyes!
But the newspaper font’s gone half-size,
And my glasses and keys
Disappear with great ease
Till I find them again by surprise.

Brian Allgar:

My vision is still pretty hot,
And I don’t use my glasses a lot,
Though I put on my specs
When indulging in sex
To ensure that I find the right spot.

Lisi Nortman Ardissone:

He held up some letters to view
Then said, “Try to read just a few.”
I looked up and down
And replied with a frown:
“Sorry, Doc, I can’t even see YOU.”

Jean McEwen:

Visine never works, ’cause I blink,
And the drops just land right in the sink.
Down my cheeks the tears roll.
I’ve got zero control,
So my eyes remain itchy and pink.

Tim James:

There’s a myth that my mom used to tell:
“Self-abuse shoots your eyesight to hell
Quite inexorably.”
But that’s bunk. I can see
Ev’ry hair on my palms very well.

Dave Johnson:

He sat on a boat in the bay
And stared at his phone come what may.
Whale watchers nearby
Claim he never did spy
That dorsal fin ten feet away.

Lisi Nortman:

I’m annoyed at my dense husband Fred,
Who at times will act just like he’s dead.
He won’t help clean the house,
He a shiftless ’ole spouse,
And I think that his “lazy eye’s” spread.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (178)

Saturday, August 23rd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BRIAN ALLGAR, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The King found it more to his taste
That his wives have their noggins displaced,
So when Anne Boleyn said
“May I offer thee head?”
Henry grinned, and assured her “Thou may’st.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Edmund Conti, Frank Osen, Colleen Murphy, Fred Bortz, Susan Settje, and Jon Gearhart. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

The meal had a savory taste
And the cooking-show judges embraced
And enjoyed ev’ry course
With no clue it was horse.
Did it win? It did not, but it placed.

Edmund Conti:

You’re finding you’re using poor taste
In composing these lim’ricks post-haste.
Don’t get angry, get Mad.
She’ll critique just a tad
And adjust a syl-LA-ble misplaced.

Frank Osen:

A fellow with terrible taste,
Said, when asked why he ate only paste:
“Well, I used to make stews
From the stuff in my loos,
but I found that a horrible waste.”

Colleen Murphy:

The gigolo thought he should taste
For a bit, what it’s like to be chaste.
But with minutes gone by
He then asked himself why
He would put his fine package to waste.

Fred Bortz:

That Congressman left a bad taste
Of obstruction, corruption, and waste.
“So he lost?” You’re mistaken.
He brought home the bacon,
So he beat each opponent he faced.

Susan Settje:

As a school girl, I sought out the taste
in that sweet little jar of white paste.
Then I caught my first scent
Of some rubber cement
And all thoughts of that paste were erased.

Jon Gearhart:

The recipe’s terrible taste
Was in need of a change, and posthaste.
I found that the dish
Had the taste of bad fish,
So I found a good fish and re-plaiced!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (122)

Sunday, July 14th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“I am telling you, Brother Jabbar,
As a terrorist you will go far.
Simply put on this vest,
We’ll take care of the rest.”
They found bits of Jabbar in Qatar.

Congratulations to both IRA BLOOM and EDMUND CONTI, who in a tie, each win a Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, given to limericks receiving the most Facebook “likes.”

Ira Bloom:

A pirate walked into a bar,
After pillaging towns near and far.
“Are you here for a raid?”
Asked a buxom barmaid.
“Nay, me wench,” he said, “just arrr and arrr.”

Edmund Conti:

A rabbi walks into a bar
With a priest and an old commissar,
A Hindu, of course,
Plus a man on a horse–
Damn! There goes my whole repertoire.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Jim Delaney, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Scott Crowder:

A fellow who works at a bar
Has proved himself quite under par.
He doesn’t know Jack,
His White Russians are black,
And he thinks Cabernet is a car.

Jim Delaney:

This young fellow, though called to the bar,
As an advocate isn’t a star.
In the courtroom he stands
In his wig and his bands,
While his clients wear feathers and tar.

Colleen Murphy:

A man bellied up to the bar,
But could push in his stool just so far.
From a lifetime of beers,
The man’s belly appears
Like the roof of a Volkswagen car.

Jon Gearhart:

A dancer who stretched at the barre,
Once stretched just a little too far.
You can tell cause he walks
With a limp, and he talks
Twice higher than Pat Benatar.

Tim James:

A waitress who worked in a bar
With drunken old letches would spar.
She said, “This is so not
What I planned when I got
My art hist’ry degree from Bryn Mawr.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (106)

Sunday, March 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Jeff Davis was angered to read
Not so much that the slaves had been freed,
But that Unionists were
On the To-line—O slur!—
And secessionists only cc’d.

Congratulations to Sue Dulley and Marty McCullen, who tied to win this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Sue Dulley:

A student, while trying to read
In the bathroom (the book was “Candide”)
Heard “Come play this game
Testing balance and aim!”
So he put down his novel and Wii’d.

Marty McCullen:

A fellow was trying to read
The Bio of great Sammy Snead,
But he would just stutter
When using the putter.
At best he was fit to be teed.

Congratulations to Ailsa McKillop, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award, occasionally given to a very clever multi-verse limerick.

A fellow was trying to read
And make sense of instructions decreed
In the cookbook: “With glove on
“Take joint from the oven.
“To now baste the meat you will need.”

At your peril true meaning ignore.
Do not do what he did, I implore!
At the critical point
He took out the joint
And a rolling pin out of the drawer.

With common sense no more than fleeting
And eager to improve on the eating,
In mistaken belief
This would tenderize beef,
He gave it an out-and-out beating!

So there is the beef, on its platter
Misshapen, askew (and much flatter.)
He should at this point
With its juices anoint
The roast dinner – to “baste”, not to “batter”!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Will T. Laughlin, Sue Dulley, Colleen Murphy, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Johanna Richmond, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Nelderini. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was trying to read
Of a man who was trying to breed
On someone’s behalf
(and here you can laugh)
Intercede? Yes indeed. Enter seed.

Will T. Laughlin:

The Bishop was trying to read
The words of the Catholic Creed.
But the words “unum Deum”
Came out, “Iam Gayum” –
A stunning confession indeed.

Sue Dulley:

In a joke I once happened to read:
Descartes and a friend drank some mead.
Said the friend: “One more, eh?”
“I think not,” said René,
Then vanished with infinite speed.

Colleen Murphy:

My stepson was wanting to read,
An abnormal desire indeed,
Until I discovered
The girls were uncovered.
Seems his “book” met a less learned need.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow was trying to read
The book “What to Do When You’re Treed.”
He looked down at the bear
And he thought, “Do I dare
Ask HIM for the glasses I need?”

Johanna Richmond, who sends a “get well” limerick to our friend and fellow Limerick-Offer, Steve Whitred:

Dear Steve, I’m so sorry to read
You’ve been ill — that’s a pity indeed.
Wishing speedy relief;
Hope your absence is brief
Or our lim’rick-off might go to seed!

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A farmer was trying to read
Of hybrids, a skill he might need.
“Two plants get together
But will I know whether
Each seed will be glad to con-seed?”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A woman was trying to read
The stocks that may lag or may lead.
Said she: “I don’t care
For the bull or the bear,
As long as I’m in the stampede.”

Nelderini:

A woman was trying to read
The number of caplets she’d need
To clear her congestion.
“‘How bany?’s da question
To stob wit da cough an’ da sneed!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (104)

Sunday, March 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A woman once tried to take flight
From a randy Bohemian knight.
But the Czech in the mail
Wouldn’t verge from the trail
And his lance at a glance was upright.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A Kitty Hawk gal dreamed of flight,
How she wished she could soar like a kite.
Then she met Orville’s brother
And soon would discover
She’d finally met Mr. Wright.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Josie Two Shoes, Tim James, Steve Whitred, Kevin Ahern, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Jim Gallagher. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Josie Two Shoes:

A fellow whose mind oft’ took flight
Found himself in a bit of a plight.
He arrived at the dance,
But forgot to wear pants.
His dance card was full the whole night.

Tim James:

A woman was taking a flight
In a sports car, at ninety, one night.
As her ticket was written,
She watched the cop, smitten,
A clear case of love at first cite.

Steve Whitred:

Hosts of angels, wings beating in flight
Held celestial bodies just right.
Physics pulled back that curtain,
But I’m still uncertain
How ‘quantums’ can shed any light.

Kevin Ahern:

The lass in the back of the flight
Kind of liked flying into the night
Cuz her boyfriend beside her
No light would provide her.
On a date darkness is a de-light.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A vampire was planning his flight
And whom he would visit to bite.
He thought of a Czech
Who had a fat neck.
“But perhaps some Italian tonight?”

Jim Gallagher:

With an S on his chest he takes flight
In the battle of wrong versus right.
But when mano a mano
The man sings soprano,
His fetching red briefs are too tight.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (103)

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ira Bloom, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gay fellow often will drone,
How his Android, on ‘vibe,’ makes him groan.
“As in ‘moan?'” asks his guys,
“Also ‘large'” he replies.
“‘Groan’ and ‘grown;’ it’s a fab homophone.”

Congratulations to Tim James and Sue Dulley, who jointly win the Special Oscar-Themed Limerick Award for their respective funny limericks:

Tim James:

Though “Lincoln” showed craft and élan,
And by critics was much smiled upon,
Despite all the spinning
Its chances of winning
Argoing, Argoing, Argone.

Sue Dulley:

The nominees, spruced up and styled,
Past red carpet cam’ras have filed.
They sit in their places
With faux-serene faces,
While the audience goes Oscar-wild.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick.

A fellow would constantly drone
On and on in the same monotone.
And to make matters worse,
He would do it in verse
In the voice of Sylvester Stallone.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) SisterAE, Jim Gallagher, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Robert Schwarztrauber, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sister AE:

A fellow who’d constantly drone
On the bagpipes when he was alone,
Had offended his girl
With the squeak and the skirl.
But he now tries his best to atone.

Jim Gallagher:

The airman maneuvered the drone
At his desk in an office, alone.
He struck them all dead
In an impulse of dread,
While he ordered Chinese on the phone.

Craig Dykstra:

Met this prig who just tended to drone
About surveys that “clearly have shown”
True New Yorkers have class,
But this wannabe ass
Really drives in each day from Bayonne.

Jamie Hutchinson:

Bend an ear to the paperclip drone:
By hook or by crook there’s a tone.
Those hairpins are bound
To report with some sound.
Why else would the French say “trombone”?

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who’d constantly drone
Of all the wild seeds he had sown
Increasingly found
That, as an old hound,
It’s harder to dig up a bone.

Robert Schwarztrauber:

A fellow who felt like a drone,
Rang the President up on the phone.
Said he wanted to spy
On his neighbor from high
When she’s out by the pool all alone.

Steve Whitred:

A woman would constantly drone
To her sis “Get a beau of your own”
Because, if she arose
To go powder her nose,
She’d return, and her date would be blown.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (102)

Sunday, February 24th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

William Tell and his son on a roll
At the Lucky Strike Lanes set a goal:
At least spare every frame.
But their team had no name,
So we don’t know for whom the Tells bowl.

Congratulations to Kevin Ahern, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman is playing a role.
Getting tourists to Asia’s her goal.
The simple idea:
Advance her Korea,
Making bucks while she’s selling her Seoul.

And congratulations to Craig Dykstra and Johanna Richmond, who jointly win this special Limerick Repartee Award for their limerick exchange:

Craig Dykstra:

I just couldn’t get on a roll.
This week I fell short of my goal,
Which is: “Be so damn funny
That Mad gives me money.”
(Or at least get the ol’ gal to LOL.)

Johanna Richmond:

Craig D says he’s not on a roll,
But be careful, Craig, show some control:
Might get only *one win*
For committing the sin
Of calling our lovely host ol’!

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Gary Hallock, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, John Peter Larkin, and David McCormick.

Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Gary Hallock:

A woman frets over her roll:
“Fine dining,” she says, “took its toll.
Over par at each course,
For I eat like a horse.
Now I look like I’m ready to foal.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was playing a role
Of being a merry old soul,
But found he’s not very
Inspired as merry
And asked, “Would you settle for droll?”

Jamie Hutchinson:

Some fossil requested a roll
Of film from a digital soul,
A green little brat,
Who said, “Batt’ry with that?
Or’s your camera powered by coal?”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman tossed in a fresh roll
When she hadn’t the change for her toll.
It jammed the machine.
She was chased from the scene,
But she then buttered up the patrol.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

An actor was playing the role
Of nasty pugnacious old troll
By shaking his spear
At everyone near
With Shakespeare his ultimate goal.

John Peter Larkin:

A fellow was eating a roll
While trying to pay a bridge toll.
The car hit a bump,
Which made his arm jump,
And that’s why he swallowed it whole.

David McCormick:

When a singer’s rehearsing a role,
“Know every song backwards!” he’s tol’.
That is why tenors hunger
For “Springtime Than Younger”
And basses for “River Man Ol’.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (101)

Sunday, February 17th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Found my dog in her pretty bow tie
Fast asleep near a half-eaten pie.
I said “Fifi, confess!
It was you made this mess!”
But you know how those sleeping dogs lie.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins the Special Valentine’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I don’t have a Valentine card,
Though I searched on the whole boulevard.
There were none on the shelf,
So I wrote this myself
And I’m hoping I won’t be dis-bard.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A man who was wearing a tie
Thought he looked good enough to get by.
He got taken away
By the ol’ TSA
“’Cause you’re not wearing pants, sir – that’s why.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Edmund Conti, Lois Douthitt, Ira Bloom, Bob Dvorak, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

A tourist was wearing a tie.
She wanted to look like a guy.
So why did we fail
To see her as male?
She asked for directions, that’s why.

David Lefkovits:

A man who was wearing a tie
Remarked, with a gleam in his eye:
“Although I’m well-dressed,
I’m not as repressed
As these regiment stripes would imply.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was wearing a Thai
Round his neck and was wondering why.
Can it be that all these
Unrestrained Siamese
Have trouble just saying “Good-bye”?

Lois Douthitt:

As the pirate was trying to tie
Up his wench, she refused to comply.
“Prone again on the bed?
I want face-up instead!
We will—arrgh!—never see aye-to-aye.”

Ira Bloom:

A jarhead, while wearing a tie,
Put his hand on a young lady’s thigh.
He was somewhat a louse,
As she wasn’t his spouse:
“Always ready” but not “semper fi.”

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow was wearing a tie:
Very long, it ran down to his fly.
Ask him why, he just sighs
And then gently replies,
“Comes in handy, to wipe her mouth dry.”

Craig Dykstra:

I got asked by a guy in a tie
Where my sexual preferences lie.
Was I straight? Was I gay?
“Well I guess I would say
That I do just enough to get bi.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (100)

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man who’d been recently canned
Was steamed to be dealt a bad hand.
After stewing inside,
He went out & got fried,
And ended up pickled as planned.

Congratulations to Steve Whitred who wins the Special Super Bowl-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

The Super Bowl’s finally here.
Seems the hype has been building all year.
And while some think the game
Is exceedingly lame,
They’ll use any excuse to drink beer.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A man who was recently canned
Had squeezed a gal’s mammary gland.
He’d tried to insist
That he had just missed.
“I thought I was shaking her hand.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jim Gallagher, Johanna Richmond, Elaine Spall, Edmund Conti, Jamie Hutchinson, Steve Whitred, Bruce Niedt, Sue Dulley, and Diane Groothuis. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jim Gallagher:

My cat cannot bear food that’s canned,
Out of season, unseasoned or bland.
She won’t have a nibble
Or soupçon of kibble.
But gophers are gruesomely grand.

Johanna Richmond:

A senior home worker was canned
For thoughtfully lending a hand
To the ladies — their files
He kept in two piles:
“Still stressed” and “sufficiently manned.”

Elaine Spall:

Chef Ramsay, when served something canned
In a rest’rant he once thought was grand,
Showed his utter disdain
Using words quite profane.
Both the language and food should be banned.

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was recently canned
For being too high paid a hand.
And as he was fired,
A new man was hired.
And that’s how a Walmart is manned.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A limericker recently canned
As a stock clerk had one last demand:
She said she would need her
Handheld barcode reader
To ensure that her poetry scanned.

Steve Whitred:

To paraphrase Donald, “You’re canned!”
Pointing finger, mock pistol in hand.
It’s no TV show lout
That he’s talking about,
But his face in the mirror all tanned.

Bruce Niedt:

Says Charlie, who’s recently canned,
“It’s a fate that I do understand,
Though my hour is darkest,
I once worked for Star-Kist —
We tuna are much in demand.”

Sue Dulley:

A gambler was recently canned
And banned from the MGM Grand.
He made all his wins
Masquerading as twins,
While holding a queen in each hand.

Diane Groothuis:

An elephant had to be canned
For refusing to go on the stand.
He embarrassed the clown,
Disappointed the town,
And squirted green slime at the band.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (98)

Sunday, January 27th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman would always come clean
With the truth to the men she had seen:
“I’ll say Yes but—don’t hate me—
The best way to date me
Is to measure my carbon 14.”

Congratulations to Bob Dvorak, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman who hated to clean
Checked the room of her typical teen,
Where she found seven plates,
Peanuts, walnuts, and dates,
And some ham, biologically green.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order): Johanna Richmond, Scott Crowder, Chris Doyle, Kathy El-Assal, Edmund Conti, Kirk Miller, Steve Whitred, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

A president chose to come clean
In a red, white and very blue scene,
And the subtext was this:
Here’s my rear for a kiss,
GOP, if you think I’m still green.

Scott Crowder:

A woman who hated to clean,
Was a sex-hungry, lovin’ machine.
And the men she’d been dating,
Are anxiously waiting
For someone to find a vaccine.

Chris Doyle:

A leatherneck never comes clean
When he romps around town as a queen
In a dress and high heels
Getting liquored-up SEALs
To unwittingly do a marine.

Kathy El-Assal:

A librarian liked her books clean,
Preferring her pages pristine.
As for S&M porn,
She only had scorn
Fifty shades of bad writing? Obscene!

Edmund Conti:

Said a fellow who hated to clean
The gunk off his new guillotine,
“It’s a pain in the neck
Cleaning all of this dreck
Just to peel a small ripe tangerine.

Kirk Miller:

A comedian planned to come clean
In his stand-up. “My future routine
Won’t have cussing from me
‘Cause my humor,” said he,
“Unlike kids, should be heard, not obscene.”

Steve Whitred:

A fellow who hated to clean
Has created a washing routine.
Now he schedules each bath
Using log’rithmic math
So they’re fewer and farther between.

Phyllis Sterling Smith:

A young actress who wished to be “clean”
Was embarrassed to read on the screen
That it rated an X
Just because she had sex
In a scene that was seen as obscene!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (72)

Sunday, July 29th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Johanna Richmond, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow who fell on his face
Would have undergone far less disgrace
‘Midst commuter-rush throng,
If his garter and thong
Hadn’t spilled from his attaché case.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

The graduate shielded his face
From the couple’s impassioned embrace.
As they sweated and thrusted
He said, quite disgusted,
“You win, Mom – I’ll get my own place.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Bob Dvorak, Jamie Hutchinson, Edmund Conti, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, and Kathy El-Assal. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Bob Dvorak:

A woman once fell on her face
Getting dressed for the party apace.
Her troubles began
With a spritz from a can;
Not cologne, but emergency mace.

Jamie Hutchinson:

A camper who fell on his face
When a bear from his privy gave chase
Had two cheeks in the ground
And two—white and round—
Facing up at the stars out in space.

Edmund Conti:

A woman who fell on her face
Was too drunk to acknowledge disgrace.
“What’s a lady to do”
She asked of the crew
“To get her a drink in this place.”

Phyllis Sterling Smith a//k/a Granny Smith:

A model who fell on her face,
From a swing, was too angry for grace.
“Damn that Fragonard guy!
Well, he swung me too high
Just so HE could paint more bits of lace!”

Kathy El-Assal:

While flirting he fell on his face,
Using slapstick to pick up the pace.
The view from down under
Showed booty to plunder:
No thong! Just a black hole in space.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (70)

Sunday, July 15th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Jane Shelton Hoffman who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A parrot was proud of his skill.
He could learn any words you would drill.
But a problem occurred
When the man heard the bird
Say, “Come over when he’s at the mill.”

Congratulations to Robert Basler who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow was proud of his skill
At signing his name with a quill.
Said his friend, Paul Revere,
“Put your John Hancock here!
“Make it large, we’ve got pages to fill!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) VerseBender, Edmund Conti, Bryan Coughlan, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Versebender:

A fellow was proud of his skill
Making moonshine inside of his still.
But his profits were few
In spite of his brew
‘Cause he’d swill every drop he’d distill.

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was proud of his skill
At giving his good wife a thrill.
Said she of his mountin’,
“I fear that your Fountain
Of Youth has gone over the hill.”

Bryan Coughlan:

A lawyer was proud of his skill,
Charged one pound of flesh for his bill.
That’s not just a saying.
His clients were paying.
So where there’s a weigh, there’s a will.

Johanna Richmond:

A fellow was proud of his skill
With the help of a little blue pill,
Till his paramour mumbled
A mouthful that humbled:
“It fills but the thrills, Will, are nil.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (69)

Saturday, July 7th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A moody young deb with a ‘tude
Found regattas could lighten her mood:
“Strokes and coxswains galore –
Each will put in his oar –
One can be so deliciously crewed!”

Congratulations to Kathy El-Assal who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A prudish young woman with ‘tude
Almost never was in the right mood.
Finding headaches passé
Her excuse was to say
“Doggie-style, when not yoga, is lewd.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Jamie Hutchinson, Marla Turner, VerseBender, Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty, Edmund Conti, Jason Talbott, and Jane Auerbach. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Jamie Hutchinson:

The sexy librarian’s ‘tude
Had a way of improving your mood:
You’d hand her a book
And receive such a look
That you felt both checked out and renewed.

Marla Turner a/k/a Uhave2laff:

A moody young woman with ‘tude
Had a curfew she really eschewed.
Her mother said, “Ten!”
She laughed and said, “Men?”
Then sat back as her mom came unglued.

Versebender:

A moody young woman with ‘tude
Would string along dude after dude.
She’d flirt and she’d tease
As if eager to please.
But the lady stayed coyly unscrewed.

Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty:

A moody young woman with ‘tude,
In line for the john, ballyhooed,
“Yo there, bride and your groom:
Get yourselves a real room.
There are others who want to be loo’d.”

Edmund Conti:

An earnest young poet with ‘tude
Said, I know I’m about to be screwed
For posting so late
On Madeleine’s slate.
My poem won’t be liked or be viewed.

Jason Talbott:

A moody young fellow with ‘tude
Once complained that he hated the food
Which was served at his school.
But the lunch lady’s rule:
You complain, you’ll be one hungry dude.

Jane Auerbach:

A moody male model with ‘tude
Was chagrined when the audience booed.
On a catwalk he’d tripped,
And his pants front had ripped,
Shredding padding on parts best unviewed.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (56)

Sunday, April 8th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A mother was trying to show
All her kids what it takes to make dough.
When the bread was all baked
The youngest one quaked,
“Oh where did my baby tooth go?”

Congratulations to David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A woman was trying to show
The podiatrist her little toe;
“Could I ask,” the nurse said,
“If you’d stand on your head?
He once was a dentist, you know.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Elaine Spall, Robert Schechter, Johanna Richmond, Neal Pattison, Edmund Conti, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Elaine Spall:

A small woman was trying to show
She had sizeable assets, and so
Every night, before rest
She applied to her chest
Several packets of Miracle Gro.

Robert Schechter:

A Buddhist was trying to show
He could chill out and go with the flow;
He could empty his brain
Of depression and pain;
But he freaked when I stepped on his toe.

Johanna Richmond:

To the fellow who’s trying to show
He’s “Mensa,” not any Joe Blow,
Let me give him a clue:
If you’re stuck on IQ,
You’re a member more ways than you know.

Neal Pattison:

A mom who was trying to show
Her kid how to bat, catch and throw,
Adjusted his stance
And cried, “Hike up your pants!
Now wiggle your bum to and fro.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was trying to show
How to eat only one Cheerio.
And when he was done
I said, “That isn’t one.
It’s zero, my friend. Tally O.”

David Lefkovits:

A fellow was trying to show
His daughter the right way to mow;
He’d point, as he showed ‘er,
By kicking the rotor,
But now he’s got only one toe.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (55)

Sunday, April 1st, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gal who was very uptight
Found her Chinaman mate no delight,
But she relished the sin
When his brother joined in,
Shrieking gaily, “Two Wongs make it right!”

Congratulations to Robert Basler who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A gal who is very uptight
Won’t take off her clothes when it’s light.
The chick only strips
In a solar eclipse,
Or perhaps in a blackout, she might.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Rosemary Nissen-Wade, and Edmund Conti. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

A poet named Frost was uptight.
A fork in the road was his plight.
“If I choose to go left
It might leave me bereft.
But then again, left may be right.”

Rosemary Nissen-Wade:

A gal who was very uptight
Gave her boyfriend a hell of a fright.
She lay there so rigid,
He thought, “Is she frigid —
Or perhaps she has died in the night?”

Edmund Conti:

A Brit who was very uptight
Found the islands laid back, a delight.
On the Island of Man
You may do what you can.
But, wait a sec, that isn’t Wight!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (47)

Sunday, February 5th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to JIM DELANEY who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

The chairman was trying to lead
An attack upon corporate greed,
But his own compensation
Would fund a small nation —
Not quite the credentials you need.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Neal Pattison, Bruce Niedt, Edmund Conti, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, and Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Neal Pattison:

A fellow was trying to lead
A life filled with daring and deed.
To his friends, who all hooted,
He said, “I’m well suited,”
As he buttoned his Seville Row tweed.

Bruce Niedt:

A salesman was trying to lead
His date to a sexual deed.
But when he unzipped
She took one look and quipped,
“Satisfaction is NOT guaranteed!”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was trying to lead
His wife to the mens’ room (Great need!)
Said his wife, “Not a chance!
We’re going to dance.”
So they danced on and on while he peed.

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who wanted to lead
The nation in turning from greed,
Found most in agreement,
When thinking that he meant
The other guy’s greedy misdeed.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A fellow was trying to lead
His small pup (newly bought, pedigreed).
The son of a bitch
Would rather just ITCH
Than be led to the vet and deFLEAed.

Phyllis adds this Limerick Note:

In my rhyming I have this strange vanity
That my jokes not depend on profanity.
That small dog with the itch
Was the offspring of bitch.
To rely on swear-words is insanity!

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (39)

Sunday, December 11th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to ROBERT SCHECHTER who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man who was frequently prone
To sitting all day on the throne,
Said, “It’s great to be king,
But there’s only one thing:
It’s a toilet, and I’m in Bayonne.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Johanna Richmond, Kathy El-Assal, Edmund Conti, Elaine Spall,
David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Drew Nicholson, and John Peter Larkin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Johanna Richmond:

A gal who was frequently prone
To engaging in sex on the phone
Found repeat business hard
Since her number was barred
By the women whose husbands she’d blown.

Kathryn El-Assal:

A gal who was frequently prone
To a French existentialist tone
Hung out with Camus
And Jean-Paul Sartre, too.
To her friends, she was known as Simone.

Edmund Conti:

A guy who was frequently prone
To lying face down when alone
Said, “It may not show class
When exposing my ass,
But it beats out what else could be shown.”

Elaine Spall:

A fellow was frequently prone
To be licking and chewing a bone.
When he started to nibble
Some leftover kibble
The doghouse was where he was thrown.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A gal who was frequently prone
From indulging in much Côtes du Rhône
Raised a glass (in a dream)
At a bistro in Nîmes,
While asleep on the floor in Bayonne.

Drew Nicholson:

A guy who was frequently prone
To refusing to spend time alone
Said “My name’s Herman Cain.
I suspend my campaign,
But I’ll take VP offers by phone.”

John Peter Larkin:

A guy who was frequently prone
Was happy his seed had been sown.
His girl had said no
But she gave him the go
When he found her erogenous zone.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (38)

Sunday, December 4th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to IRA BLOOM who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
On toner, proceeded to vent:
“That HP ink-jet
We were eager to get
Now’s the printer of our discontent.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Robert Schechter, Veralynne Bosko Pepper, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Arthur Goikhman a/k/a SurrealGames. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Edmund Conti:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
Decided to sell his one stent.
His search was in vain.
Do I need to explain
That pun which you’ll come to resent?

Robert Schechter:

A woman whose last dime was spent
Entertaining an indigent gent,
Said, “I’m such a dumb bunny.
I thought he had money!
But that’s not what ‘indigent’ meant.”

Veralynne Bosko Pepper:

A woman whose last dime was spent
Found the key to her lock box was bent.
Oh, what could she do?
Solicit a screw?
In a blur, to the bar off she went.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A fellow whose last dime was spent,
Not despairing, went on to invent
A money machine
Like none before seen.
Can you guess to which prison he went?

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
Had no money for food or for rent.
He committed a crime
So he could do time
And live on the taxpayers’ cent.

Arthur Goikhman a/k/a SurrealGames:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
On proving he had no intent
Was guilty as sin
But savored his win,
Since no one dug up the cement.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.