Posts Tagged ‘Ira Bloom’

Limerick-Off Award (241)

Saturday, December 12th, 2015

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick-Off winners based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in the last Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to RAPHAEL HARRIS, who wins the Limerick-Off Award for this funny verse:

There once was a gibbon named Flake,
Whose chimpanzee wife baked a cake.
He grabbed a big hunk.
His wife said, “You skunk,
Our marriage is all gibbon take.”

Congratulations to Sue Dulley, who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Sue Dulley:

The unit of snow is the ‘flake’
With six points; otherwise it’s a fake.
“No two are the same,”
Is the weatherman’s claim.
But who looks at them all, for Pete’s sake?

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Daisy Mae Simon, Brian Allgar, Jesse Frankovich, Ira Bloom, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Jon Gearhart, Dave Johnson, and Konrad Schwoerke. Here their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

The paint on the ceiling would flake
When she screamed. Then her body would quake,
With her toes curling tight.
It capped off quite a night.
You know what? I don’t *care* if it’s fake.

Daisy Mae Simon:

Our neighbor is nice, but a flake.
Each December she makes us fruitcake.
We smile. (She means well.)
We re-gift it (Don’t tell!)
To a GOP-Tea Party snake.

Brian Allgar:

It was snowing, huge flake after flake,
And my windscreen was growing opaque.
She was giving good head,
But she bit me instead
When I hit the emergency brake.

Jesse Frankovich’s Acrostic Limerick:

Four meanings I’ll offer for flake:
Loose, small piece that from something may break;
A unit of snow;
Kooky fruitcake you know;
Early tool that from stone one can make.

Ira Bloom:

A grey goose, a bit of a flake,
Humped a duck in the dark, by mistake.
“I don’t want to pander,
You stupid old gander,”
The duck said. “Besides, I’m a drake.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

She discovered her necklace was fake
When the gold on it started to flake.
The fur was not real,
Her ring, stainless steel,
But her spouse was a genuine snake.

Jon Gearhart:

Now Bob is a bit of a flake.
Goes to sea in a rowboat (a caique).
O’er the side he goes golfin’
Hits eggs at the dolphin
Who’re caught in his fin eggin’ wake.

Dave Johnson

Aunt Martha will quite often bake
Some brownies or maybe a cake.
With her Saturday stop
At the cannabis shop,
There’s magic in every flake.

Konrad Schwoerke:

Seems a break ain’t the same as a brake,
And a sheikh ain’t the same as a shake,
And a stake ain’t the same
As a steak—what a shame!—
But a flake is a flake is a flake.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win the Limerick-Off Award.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (169)

Sunday, June 22nd, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Our lab rat, for cheese, ran 10Ks,
But of late appears lost in a daze.
He has yet to complete
This new task, and won’t eat
If he doesn’t start wending his maze.

And congratulations once again to CHRIS DOYLE, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

“This plant deserves more than okays,”
Rev’rend Spooner said, sparing no praise.
“See its mesh of racemes?
That is part of God’s schemes,
For He works in wisteria’s maze.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Brian Allgar, Konrad Schwoerke, Val Fish, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Will T. Laughlin. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ira Bloom:

The evangelists shouted okays,
To the plot to bring on End of Days,
By converting the Jews.
(When my tribe got the news,
We responded with countless oy veys).

Brian Allgar:

Pascal wouldn’t wait for okays;
His ideas never ceased to amaze.
He would tell the discerning:
“My mind is just burning
With notions – in fact, I’m a Blaise.”

Konrad Schwoerke:

Instead of some paltry okays,
My invention will garner high praise.
It’s a fission pipe lighter;
A real hot igniter,
So surely in glory I’ll blaze.

Val Fish:

A fellow was dating two Kays
And saw them on alternate days.
Double-booked them one night.
An ensuing cat fight
Saw the end of his two-timing ways.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow is dating two Kays
But they differ in notable ways.
One has him dance nude
To build up the mood.
The other one lies there and bays.

Brian Allgar:

The artist pronounced his okays
As he finished the painting with glaze.
But it aged where it hung
While the subject stayed young,
For the portrait was Dorian Gray’s.

Will T. Laughlin:

We applaud when the Head Chef okays
His filets in a veal demi-glaze.
As he sends out the plate,
Cries the maître d’: “Wait!
Mr. Trump says it needs mayonnaise!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (147)

Sunday, January 12th, 2014

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to BYRON MILLER a/k/a Errol Nimbly, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Our captain appears to be out
Of the closet, without any doubt.
From high up in the rigging,
I spotted him frigging
The cabin boy coming about.

Congratulations to SUE DULLEY and SCOTT CROWDER, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award.

Sue Dulley:

Time was: “If you’d like to go out,
Pick the phone up and give me a shout.”
Then came email, and next
“Just snd me a txt” —
Soon telepathy’s coming, no doubt.

Scott Crowder:

A woman is throwing things out —
Leftovers forgotten about:
A strange purple treat,
Old mystery meat,
And something that’s started to sprout.

Congratulations to JOHANNA RICHMOND, who wins a special Limerick Saga Award for her clever multi-verse limerick about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s press conference concerning the George Washington Bridge lane closure scandal:

“I’m too trusting — my secret is out —
And too genuine, lovable, stout…
But a bully? Vindictive?
My wounded heart fictive?
That’s not what Chris Christie’s about!

“I am sad and so very depressed;
Tell me, how could I EVER have guessed
That my dep chief of staff
Would have made such a gaffe.
I cut loose that dead weight — thought it best.

“As you know, folks, I don’t blow my cork.
To the fellow who differs: Hey dork,
If you think you felt pain
When I shut down your lane
You should see what I do with a fork!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Tim James, Byron Ives, Aparna Ray, Johanna Richmond, Daisy Mae Simon, Will T. Laughlin, and Sharon L. Smatusek Harris. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ira Bloom:

In my youth I had cause to go out
With a gal with a merciless pout.
Those lips she would purse
In a manner so terse,
To this day, I can’t look at a trout.

Tim James:

A Congressman liked to make out
With the gals in his office, the lout,
‘Til one day when he met
The girls’ boyfriends. I’ll bet
That he’s learned a new meaning of “clout.”

Byron Ives:

This gal had it all figured it out–
Her sex life had long been a drought:
“I’ll visit a tavern,
“Find meat for my cavern,
“But probably settle for trout.”

Aparna Ray:

A woman was throwing things out:
Belongings, her boyfriend’s (a lout.)
“I’m declutt’ring”, said she,
“Getting rid of debris,
And that sure includes him, without doubt.”

Johanna Richmond, inspired by this news item:

A new natural Prozac’s come out,
One your men-friends are likely to tout.
And you won’t go bone dry
If you blow your supply;
It’s renewable — rarely a drought.

Daisy Mae Simon:

A woman would often go out
With a man with an extra large snout.
And though people would stare,
She just didn’t care
‘Cause in bed she would squeal from its clout.

Will T. Laughlin:

Well, I’m glad that my daughter goes out
With a man who is truly devout.
I looked in on them: He’s
Got her down on her knees…
“God! Oh, God!” I keep hearing him shout.

Sharon L. Smatusek Harris:

As a 60ish woman with clout,
It is not worth my while to go out.
Each “grandpa” expects
That a coffee buys sex
Even though there’s no “spring in his sprout.”

(While Sharon’s limerick uses “out” in line 2 instead of line 1, it made me laugh so much I just had to include it.)

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (139)

Sunday, November 10th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Scott Crowder, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A woman who frequently strips
In CGI video clips
Will steal all your cache,
And your hard drive will crash
From her implanted silicon chips.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A nimble ecdysiast strips,
Crosses hands as she bends at the hips,
Grabs her feet, and then hears
The topologists’ cheers
At the Möbius championships.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Tim James, Jamie Hutchinson, Chris Doyle, Ira Bloom, Will T. Laughlin, Craig Dykstra, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Tim James:

Said a woman who frequently strips
To a man who tried fondling her nips:
“When my clothing I doff
You just keep your hands off!”
With that concept he can’t come to grips.

Jamie Hutchinson:

My bathroom needs anti-skid strips,
A safety mat, grab bars, and grips.
Gotta write down that list
Because — you get the gist —
My other head’s memory slips.

Chris Doyle:

A young nymphomaniac strips
As her therapist watches, then quips,
“See that couch over there?
Go lie down and prepare
For your very first Freudian’s lips.”

Ira Bloom:

A mohel, while pealing some strips,
During bris, is well known for his quips:
“For cheap circumcision,
There’s lots of derision.
I mostly just work for the tips.”

Will T. Laughlin:

I know of a rose bush that strips
Each night for the aphids and thrips.
You’ll say, “Will’s lost his mind;
Bushes can’t bump and grind!”
Well, rose bushes can. They’ve got hips.

Craig Dykstra:

She seeks men at the club where she strips,
To indulge her asphyxiate trips.
She says “Here’s what you do:
Grasp my throat ’til I’m blue.”
Yes, she really likes coming to grips.

David Lefkovits:

A woman who frequently strips
Was a dancer for stock market tips.
While she’d shake and she’d shimmy,
A trader named Jimmy
Would say what to buy on the dips.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (136)

Sunday, October 20th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gander was taking a peek
At a goose with a bright orange beak:
“I’m a regular chap
Who won’t easily flap,
But her waddle is making me weak.”

Congratulations to Ira Bloom and Diane Groothuis, who are tied in winning this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for their respective limericks, which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Ira Bloom:

A fellow was sneaking a peek,
At a gal with an awesome physique.
Such a treat for the eyes!
Perfect breasts! Perfect thighs!
It’s too bad that his prospects were bleak.

Diane Groothuis:

Cinderella was taking a peek
At Prince Charming, so handsome and sleek,
And later that night
When she rushed home in fright,
He brought her a shoe from Lalique.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Craig Dykstra, Tim James, Kevin Ahern, Phyllis LaVietes, Chris Doyle, Robert Basler, and Kirk Miller. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

I covered my eyes, did not peek,
When the two of us played hide and seek,
And you hid really well.
The way I can tell?
You’ve been gone now for more than a week.

Craig Dykstra:

He had wanted to get just a peek,
At her cleavage so tan, soft and sleek.
But his fingers had flown
With a mind of their own–
Now his cast won’t come off ’til next week.

Tim James:

A gal at her physical peak
Can make love twenty times in a week.
In my youth that was nifty,
But now that I’m fifty
Be careful. You’ll break this antique.

Kevin Ahern:

My mother developed a pique
At the mouse in our house’s physique.
The thing that inflames
Her most are its games;
It likes to play hide and go squeak.

Phyllis LaVietes:

A woman was sneaking a peek
At the limerick theme for next week.
She said, “I will show ‘em,
I’m writing a poem,
For the prize won’t be won by the meek!”

Chris Doyle:

At a ball in Dushanbe, I peek
At the gentlemen’s fox trot technique,
Then fall flat on my ass
When a comely young lass
Makes a pass as we dance cheek Tajik.

Robert Basler:

A fellow was climbing a peak.
To get to the top took a week.
He said, with a frown
“It is much quicker down.
“I just untie this knot, then I — eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

Kirk Miller:

He would count to one hundred, not peek.
Dr. Jekyll was rather unique.
Somewhere deep in his mind,
Alter ego he’d find
When the doctor would play Hyde and seek.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (131)

Sunday, September 15th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Will T. Laughlin, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Dear Boss: as your ears and your eyes,
I’m one of the best of your spies.
Still… unless ficus trees
Are expected to sneeze,
They may have seen through my disguise.

Congratulations to Chris Doyle, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Manhattan has opened my eyes
To a deli where bread is the prize.
It’s chewy, nutritious,
And truly delicious!
Try Katz’s — the site for sour ryes.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Craig Dykstra, Ira Bloom, Gary Hallock, Sue Dulley, Chris Doyle, Kevin Ahern, and Bill Klein. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Craig Dykstra:

A nympho with beautiful eyes
Treated men to a flash of her thighs.
With a wink and a leer
She’d say “What I’ve got here
Is a thing you should try on for sighs.”

Ira Bloom:

A woman with stars in her eyes,
Said “My art I will not compromise.
I can sing, dance and act,
A young Garbo, in fact.
By the way, would you like that with fries?”

Gary Hallock:

The vote from young men is all “ayes”
When a pole dancer gyrates her thighs.
I also should mention
They’ll stand at attention
Although, from their seats, they don’t rise.

Sue Dulley:

A woman with near-perfect eyes
On contacts and glasses relies,
The former for schmoozing,
The latter for boozing,
And specs when she wants to look wise.

Chris Doyle:

She was not, by the look in her eyes,
All that pleased by my biceps and thighs.
I got very low scores
Till she checked in my drawers
And said, “Whoa, that’s economy-size!”

Kevin Ahern:

To parents all rolling their eyes
At the questions their children devise,
Please, do not get weary;
For every query
“Because” is a word to the whys.

Bill Klein:

A woman with nearsighted eyes
Felt the moisture that dampened her thighs.
Her man, with alarm,
Said “You’re sucking my arm,”
Which cut her mood back down to size.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (127)

Sunday, August 18th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

When asked why he dated a pair,
The bowler said “Don’t be a square:
My sex drive’s too much
For one girl so, as such,
I will frequently pick up a spare.”

Congratulations to Jamie Hutchinson, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

When my eagle-eyed kid spied a pair
Of “bunny” ears high in the air,
I commended her keenness
But doubted the genus:
“It’s Chicago —- that must be a hare.”

Congratulations to Mark Kane, Sue Dulley, and Steve Whitred, who jointly win a special Limerick Repartee Award for this limerick exchange:

Mark Kane:

A Bartlett and Bosc, what a pair
Of pears for your pie, if you dare?
Or instead, bake a tart.
Enter both if you’re smart,
As your fare for this year’s country fair.

Sue Dulley:

If you’re baking a pie using pear
To compete in your county Fall Fair,
Bake another to eat
Just to check that it’s sweet,
And a third one – you may wish to share.

Steve Whitred:

To be fair to Mark, pies made with pear
Are a waste if they’re just made to share:
Mad’s averse to pies based
On their texture and taste,
As she’ll swear to all yet unaware.

Sue Dulley:

If our Mark baked a spare filled with pear
Or apple or peach, just to share,
And Mad wouldn’t bite,
It might still be all right—
Friends would flock to their flat for such fare.

Mark Kane:

Did they come for the laughs or the pear?
As they eat, it is clear what we share.
When I run out of pie,
And they leave, I’ll know why:
It’s not me but the fare. That’s not fair!

But one stays, and look at her pair!
I’m grinning, but try not to stare.
She puts down her plate,
And she soon seals my fate,
By getting us both very bare.

(Note from Mad Kane: For anyone suspecting marital bias in Mark’s getting this award, I gave him one, not because we’re married, but in spite of it.)

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, Cyn, Kevin Ahern, Ira Bloom, Kirk Miller, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Steve Whitred, and David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

A woman was trying to pare
Her collection of dresses to wear,
For since she’s retired
They won’t be required
(Unless she begins an affair.)

Cyn:

A fellow who tried to repair
A couch that had seen too much wear
Got the job done so wrong
That he claimed, “All along
I was planning to make it a chair.”

Kevin Ahern:

On my trip to Helsinki — despair!
This story I’ve told everywhere:
Our luggage was lost
At a terrible cost.
It vanished right into Finn Air.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who needed a pair,
(His had shrunk, in his wife’s angry glare!)
Was resolved to save face,
And put her in her place,
In his mind. But out loud? Au contraire.

Kirk Miller:

“The national budget I’ll pare,”
Said Dubya, who used lots of flair.
“It makes lots of sense
To cut our defense.
Change the Pentagon into a square!”

Jane Shelton Hoffmann:

A fellow had ordered a pair
Of women to come to his lair:
One blonde, one brunette,
But he seemed to forget
‘Twas a weekend his kids would be there.

Steve Whitred:

Forlornly she fondled his pair.
Then she said with her eyes all a-glare,
“In light of the linkage
Of old age to shrinkage,
I’ll bet that you color your hair.”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fastidious English au pair
With a family who lived in Bel Air
Told the handyman, Paul,
That his tool was too small:
“In love,” she said, “awl is not fair.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (122)

Sunday, July 14th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to CRAIG DYKSTRA, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

“I am telling you, Brother Jabbar,
As a terrorist you will go far.
Simply put on this vest,
We’ll take care of the rest.”
They found bits of Jabbar in Qatar.

Congratulations to both IRA BLOOM and EDMUND CONTI, who in a tie, each win a Facebook Friends’ Choice Award, given to limericks receiving the most Facebook “likes.”

Ira Bloom:

A pirate walked into a bar,
After pillaging towns near and far.
“Are you here for a raid?”
Asked a buxom barmaid.
“Nay, me wench,” he said, “just arrr and arrr.”

Edmund Conti:

A rabbi walks into a bar
With a priest and an old commissar,
A Hindu, of course,
Plus a man on a horse–
Damn! There goes my whole repertoire.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Scott Crowder, Jim Delaney, Colleen Murphy, Jon Gearhart, and Tim James. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Scott Crowder:

A fellow who works at a bar
Has proved himself quite under par.
He doesn’t know Jack,
His White Russians are black,
And he thinks Cabernet is a car.

Jim Delaney:

This young fellow, though called to the bar,
As an advocate isn’t a star.
In the courtroom he stands
In his wig and his bands,
While his clients wear feathers and tar.

Colleen Murphy:

A man bellied up to the bar,
But could push in his stool just so far.
From a lifetime of beers,
The man’s belly appears
Like the roof of a Volkswagen car.

Jon Gearhart:

A dancer who stretched at the barre,
Once stretched just a little too far.
You can tell cause he walks
With a limp, and he talks
Twice higher than Pat Benatar.

Tim James:

A waitress who worked in a bar
With drunken old letches would spar.
She said, “This is so not
What I planned when I got
My art hist’ry degree from Bryn Mawr.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (111)

Sunday, April 28th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Les a/k/a Colonialist, who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

An artist who often made scenes
Would paint them on flimsiest screens.
When backdrops were rent,
Cast would then, through the vent,
Cast aspersions while venting their spleens.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An artist was drawing some scenes
Of the countryside down in Orleans.
As he sketched and he drew
He kept sipping some brew,
Which explains why his last subject leans.

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins a special Limerick Quiz Award, for creating a fun Limerick Movie Quiz out of his series of limericks. (You can find the answers to David’s quiz right after the list of Honorable Mention winning limericks, upside down … just to keep everybody honest.)

This week, when the keyword is “scenes”,
I wanted to break from routines.
Each verse I will use
To throw out some clues;
Try guessing what each of them means!

This silent is loaded with scenes
Of man in the thrall of machines,
And the mystical muse
Who changes the views
Of a rebel who’s born of great means.

This actor was noted for scenes
Of angst-ridden young men and teens.
If he had lived long,
He might have gone on
To become one of Hollywood’s deans.

In this mob movie’s earliest scenes
The specter of lust intervenes
With a gangster whose shlong
Is a few inches long;
In fact, it may be in the teens.

One of the funniest scenes
To blaze across Hollywood screens
Ends up with a din
Like trumpets and wind
And begins with a pot full of beans.

There’s a musical noted for scenes
Of dancing by killer chorines,
Who know of a spot
Where the music is hot,
And the lyrics are not for preteens.

In this movie, two ladies have scenes
Making one of the world’s great cuisines,
But the younger one’s thrown
By Beef Bourguignon,
And breaks down amid her tureens.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Will T. Laughlin, Steve Whitred, Bob Dvorak, Ira Bloom, and Sue Dulley. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Will T. Laughlin:

An Irishman likes to make scenes
While wooing the village colleens.
But the girls understand
That his gestures so grand
Mean there’s nothing at all in his jeans.

Steve Whitred:

In Bogey films there are some scenes
Where his shortness of height intervenes,
Like the time when he quipped,
“Ingrid let’s change the script
To a ‘hill’, from a ‘mountain’ of beans.”

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow who often made scenes
In the buff, to be seen on big screens,
Can’t act. When a guy
Out of work asked him why,
He retorted, “It’s all in the genes.”

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who often makes scenes,
As he drinks, stumbles, trips and careens,
With few inhibitions,
Makes rude propositions.
A good thing his wife intervenes.

Sue Dulley:

A youth leader takes in some scenes
With “her girls”, a small group of young teens.
She’s known to have stated,
“No, they’re not related,
Although they all have the same jeans”.

And now, returning to David Lefkovits’ Limerick Movie Quiz, here’s the answer key:

˙ɐıןnɾ & ǝıןnɾ ‘oƃɐɔıɥɔ ‘sǝןppɐs ƃuızɐןq ‘ɹǝɥʇɐɟpoƃ ǝɥʇ ‘uɐǝp sǝɯɐɾ ‘sıןodoɹʇǝɯ

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (110)

Sunday, April 21st, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A chicken quite frequently stews
About stews that to her are bad news:
“There went sister and mother.
I WON’T be another!
If I’m called to be served, I’ll refuse!”

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

An actor I know often stews
That his videos don’t get more views.
Then he did a drunk dance,
But forgot to wear pants–
Now he’s featured on CNN News.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Fred Bortz, Kevin Ahern, Craig Dykstra, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, Colleen Murphy, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Fred Bortz:

A restaurant served only stews
With many odd flavors to choose.
But business went down
When folks in the town
Discovered their zoo’s down two gnus.

Kevin Ahern:

A creator of books about stews
Went to Sicily partly to schmooze.
This lazy ass bum
Thought he might become
An author they couldn’t refuse.

Craig Dykstra:

Two French painters, but one often stews.
To the other he offers his views:
“Oh Monsieur Lautrec
All I paint is such dreck!
I fear I’ve got nothing, Toulouse.”

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A gourmand who likes to eat stews
Posed the question, “What meat did you use?”
Since the menu director
Was Hannibal Lecter,
Missing persons list might give some clues.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who comes when he stews,
Makes a point to date nothing but shrews.
Asked if he could abide
With a nun he replied:
“I don’t mind, if she has a short fuse.”

Colleen Murphy:

I’ve a girlfriend who frequently stews,
Says her son’s in the terrible twos.
I, a witness, attest,
He’s a toddler possessed,
And a reason I’ll birth control use!

Steve Whitred:

A fellow who likes to make stews,
Using chuck steak and horse meat and ewes,
Serves his hash on a raft
With a micro-brew draft
And he calls his place ‘Cruise, Booze, and Chews’

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (103)

Sunday, March 3rd, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Ira Bloom, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A gay fellow often will drone,
How his Android, on ‘vibe,’ makes him groan.
“As in ‘moan?'” asks his guys,
“Also ‘large'” he replies.
“‘Groan’ and ‘grown;’ it’s a fab homophone.”

Congratulations to Tim James and Sue Dulley, who jointly win the Special Oscar-Themed Limerick Award for their respective funny limericks:

Tim James:

Though “Lincoln” showed craft and élan,
And by critics was much smiled upon,
Despite all the spinning
Its chances of winning
Argoing, Argoing, Argone.

Sue Dulley:

The nominees, spruced up and styled,
Past red carpet cam’ras have filed.
They sit in their places
With faux-serene faces,
While the audience goes Oscar-wild.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this funny limerick.

A fellow would constantly drone
On and on in the same monotone.
And to make matters worse,
He would do it in verse
In the voice of Sylvester Stallone.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) SisterAE, Jim Gallagher, Craig Dykstra, Jamie Hutchinson, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Robert Schwarztrauber, and Steve Whitred. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sister AE:

A fellow who’d constantly drone
On the bagpipes when he was alone,
Had offended his girl
With the squeak and the skirl.
But he now tries his best to atone.

Jim Gallagher:

The airman maneuvered the drone
At his desk in an office, alone.
He struck them all dead
In an impulse of dread,
While he ordered Chinese on the phone.

Craig Dykstra:

Met this prig who just tended to drone
About surveys that “clearly have shown”
True New Yorkers have class,
But this wannabe ass
Really drives in each day from Bayonne.

Jamie Hutchinson:

Bend an ear to the paperclip drone:
By hook or by crook there’s a tone.
Those hairpins are bound
To report with some sound.
Why else would the French say “trombone”?

David Lefkovits:

A fellow who’d constantly drone
Of all the wild seeds he had sown
Increasingly found
That, as an old hound,
It’s harder to dig up a bone.

Robert Schwarztrauber:

A fellow who felt like a drone,
Rang the President up on the phone.
Said he wanted to spy
On his neighbor from high
When she’s out by the pool all alone.

Steve Whitred:

A woman would constantly drone
To her sis “Get a beau of your own”
Because, if she arose
To go powder her nose,
She’d return, and her date would be blown.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (101)

Sunday, February 17th, 2013

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Found my dog in her pretty bow tie
Fast asleep near a half-eaten pie.
I said “Fifi, confess!
It was you made this mess!”
But you know how those sleeping dogs lie.

Congratulations to Edmund Conti, who wins the Special Valentine’s Day-Themed Limerick Award for this funny limerick:

I don’t have a Valentine card,
Though I searched on the whole boulevard.
There were none on the shelf,
So I wrote this myself
And I’m hoping I won’t be dis-bard.

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A man who was wearing a tie
Thought he looked good enough to get by.
He got taken away
By the ol’ TSA
“’Cause you’re not wearing pants, sir – that’s why.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Sue Dulley, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Edmund Conti, Lois Douthitt, Ira Bloom, Bob Dvorak, and Craig Dykstra. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Sue Dulley:

A tourist was wearing a tie.
She wanted to look like a guy.
So why did we fail
To see her as male?
She asked for directions, that’s why.

David Lefkovits:

A man who was wearing a tie
Remarked, with a gleam in his eye:
“Although I’m well-dressed,
I’m not as repressed
As these regiment stripes would imply.”

Edmund Conti:

A fellow was wearing a Thai
Round his neck and was wondering why.
Can it be that all these
Unrestrained Siamese
Have trouble just saying “Good-bye”?

Lois Douthitt:

As the pirate was trying to tie
Up his wench, she refused to comply.
“Prone again on the bed?
I want face-up instead!
We will—arrgh!—never see aye-to-aye.”

Ira Bloom:

A jarhead, while wearing a tie,
Put his hand on a young lady’s thigh.
He was somewhat a louse,
As she wasn’t his spouse:
“Always ready” but not “semper fi.”

Bob Dvorak:

A fellow was wearing a tie:
Very long, it ran down to his fly.
Ask him why, he just sighs
And then gently replies,
“Comes in handy, to wipe her mouth dry.”

Craig Dykstra:

I got asked by a guy in a tie
Where my sexual preferences lie.
Was I straight? Was I gay?
“Well I guess I would say
That I do just enough to get bi.”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (92)

Sunday, December 16th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow who needed a Doc
For his hiccups was nursed round the clock;
But they didn’t stop till
Doc presented his bill
Saying, “Nothing works quite like a shock!”

Congratulations to David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow who needed a doc
Displayed palpitations & shock.
Said the doctor: “I fear
That the fiscal cliff’s near,
And you really need H&R Block.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Elaine Spall, Ira Bloom, Craig Dykstra, Diane Groothuis, Colleen Murphy, and Bob Dvorak. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Elaine Spall:

A fellow in need of a doc
In emergency suffering from shock
Mocked his wife’s Asian cooking:
When he wasn’t looking
She struck his head hard with her wok.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow was rushed to the doc,
After getting shot up with a Glock.
The surgeon, quite nice,
Gave the guy sage advice:
“Wives in swimsuits are best not to mock.”

Craig Dykstra:

On the nights I tend bar at “The Dock”
Doctor Hickory’s there, ten o’clock.
Likes his daqu’ris “his way”
So I make one, then say:
“Here’s your Hickory Daquiri, Doc.”

Diane Groothuis:

A lady who needed a Doc
Had her foot bitten off by a croc.
Said “My dip in the sea
Made it cheaper for me:
I’ll only need one shoe and sock”.

Colleen Murphy:

A two-year old went to the doc:
When his brother was playing with caulk
He tried to seal shut
The crack in his butt
Creating a structural block.

And a 2-verse limerick from Bob Dvorak:

A fellow who needed a doc
For his sales pitch next day, to the flock,
Told his flunky “Get writing,
And make it exciting.
With Powerpoint. Seven o’clock.”

But the flunky said, “This is a crock.
If he thinks I can work to his clock.”
Tiny type, midst the muck,
Read, “The Prez is a schmuck.”
And that guy is now working the dock.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (58)

Sunday, April 22nd, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Colleen Murphy who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A man was recounting his woes
After leaving his gal in the throes.
“If I’d known,” he did sob,
“She was part of the mob,
I’d still have ten fingers and toes.”

Congratulations to Craig Dykstra who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

Bambi told Thumper his woes
When he found out his sisters were ho’s.
“They confirm they’re not queer
When the bucks all stop here –-
They’ll do dese, but they will not do does.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, VerseBender, Ira Bloom, David McCormick a/k/a AdamantYves, and John Sardo. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A gal was recounting her woes
As she dressed in her old running clothes,
“Now my races are short
I am sad to report
But there IS a long run in my hose!”

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A man was recounting his woes
Of nights with Colombian hoes:
“In old Cartagena,
The hookers are plainer
Than agents were led to suppose.”

Versebender:

A man was recounting his woes
As pushing his mower, he mows.
Then he tripped on a root
And ran over his boot.
So now he’s recounting his toes.

Ira Bloom:

A man was recounting his woes,
As he guzzled expensive Bordeaux:
“On my capital gains,
Taxes caused me such pains,
That this year I can’t buy more van Goghs.”

David McCormick:

The Queen was recounting her woes;
“One’s 23rd time in Tussaud’s!
And each time they’ve sculpted
More wrinkles!” she gulped, “It
Quite makes one reluctant to pose.”

John Sardo:

A gal was recounting her woes
She invested in stock that soon froze.
It soared with the bubble,
Then crumbled to rubble.
So that’s how the market wind blows.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (53)

Sunday, March 18th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Robert Schechter who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

Young Jack, who was terribly shrill,
Said, “Give me another chance, Jill!”
But her dad said, “My daughter
Don’t need your damn water,
You klutz! Stay away from that hill!”

Congratulations to Jason Talbott who wins this week’s Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook likes:

A man who was terribly shrill
Tried to sing with vibrato and trill.
The glassware all shattered
As bar patrons scattered
And they’ve banned karaoke there still.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Madeleine Sara Maddocks, Craig Dykstra, Neal Pattison, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, and John Reeves a/k/a Doggerelo. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Madeleine Maddocks:

A gal who was terribly shrill
On account of her helium thrill
Sold balloons at the fair
’Til she took to the air
And was seen floating over a hill.

Craig Dykstra:

So this gal with a voice that was shrill,
Said of birthdays, ”I’ve quite had my fill!”
Then she grabbed up a knife
And soon ended her life.
Now she’s under, not over, the hill.

Neal Pattison:

A jerk who was terribly shrill
Had a label for those on the pill:
No ifs, ands or buts,
He called them all sluts.
Now the pig finds his fat on the grill.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A gal who was terribly shrill
Was known for her horror film skill.
She could shriek loud and clear
And show real intense fear.
She was often the one they would kill.

Ira Bloom:

A guy who was terribly shrill
Told a woman who’d eaten her fill:
“Have you stepped on a scale?
You’re as big as a whale!
I suggest you cut back on the krill!”

John Reeves a/k/a Doggerelo

A gal who was terribly shrill
Broke glass with her voice for a thrill.
She hit the wrong note
In a glass-bottomed boat.
They’re dragging the lake for her still.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (51)

Sunday, March 4th, 2012

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off.

Congratulations to Nan Reiner a/k/a Kitty Ditty who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Was a-ponderin’ Newt, Mitt, and Rick:
“Which-a these millionaires
Can pretend that he cares
About me? That’s the slicker I’ll pick.”

Today I’m introducing a new and experimental award category: Congratulations to Mark Kane who wins the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award for this limerick which received the most Facebook “likes.”

A fellow who looked like a hick,
Was making his play with some chick.
He said “Babe don’t be nervous,
I’m here for your service,
And I promise I’ll never be quick.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Neal Pattison, David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose, Linda Evans Hofke, Ira Bloom, and Johanna Richmond. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Neal Pattison:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Built a privy of mortar and brick.
When he bragged to his kin,
6 or 7 moved in.
Now they do 1 and 2 in the crick.

David Lefkovits a/k/a Dr. Goose:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Was adept with the carrot and stick;
“On the hill in DC
Was the college,” said he,
“Where I learned this political trick.”

Linda Evans Hofke:

A fellow who looked like a hick
Met up with a rich city chick.
He thought “No Chance In Hell”
With this mademoiselle,
But it turned out that opposites click.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow who looked like a hick,
Was defamed in an internet trick,
With no shred of decorum.
(Just google “santorum,”
To see what they said about Rick!)

Johanna Richmond:

Santorum says (aping a hick):
Education is merely a trick
To indoctrinate all;
What he means is “The gall
Of you joining our one percent clique!”

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter.

Thanks!

Limerick of the Week (40)

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to KATHY EL-ASSAL who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A guy who was terribly high
From putting his thumb in a pie
Had pulled out a plum
Soaked in 50 proof rum
And said, “How besotted am I?”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Schechter, Konrad Schwoerke, Ira Bloom, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Johanna Richmond and Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Schechter:

A man who was terribly high
Attempted to tie his own tie.
The thing got so tangled
The poor man was strangled.
The moral: Wear clip-ons, or die.

Konrad Schwoerke:

A man who was terribly high
Felt a penis while stroking her thigh.
“Even fried as a fritter,
I’m not a switch-hitter!
I think I’ll keep passing on bi.”

Ira Bloom:

A man who was terribly high
On the food chain, at last had to die.
He was known, in his day,
To be quite the gourmet,
But the worms found him tasteless and dry.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A gal who was terribly high
On a swing-set let out a loud cry:
“Chicken Little was right!
It’s a real scary sight —
First the rise then the fall of the sky!”

Johanna Richmond:

A gal who is terribly high
Knows her face looks suspiciously sly;
Though she tries to sound grave,
More like straight folks behave,
She’s betrayed by the wink in her eye.

Byron Miller a/k/a Errol Nimbly:

A man who was terribly high
Had been living with pigs in a sty.
When I asked if he knew
That he smelled like a zoo,
He addressed me, “oink-oink” in reply.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (38)

Sunday, December 4th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to IRA BLOOM who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
On toner, proceeded to vent:
“That HP ink-jet
We were eager to get
Now’s the printer of our discontent.”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Edmund Conti, Robert Schechter, Veralynne Bosko Pepper, Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith, Jane Shelton Hoffman, and Arthur Goikhman a/k/a SurrealGames. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Edmund Conti:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
Decided to sell his one stent.
His search was in vain.
Do I need to explain
That pun which you’ll come to resent?

Robert Schechter:

A woman whose last dime was spent
Entertaining an indigent gent,
Said, “I’m such a dumb bunny.
I thought he had money!
But that’s not what ‘indigent’ meant.”

Veralynne Bosko Pepper:

A woman whose last dime was spent
Found the key to her lock box was bent.
Oh, what could she do?
Solicit a screw?
In a blur, to the bar off she went.

Phyllis Sterling Smith a/k/a Granny Smith:

A fellow whose last dime was spent,
Not despairing, went on to invent
A money machine
Like none before seen.
Can you guess to which prison he went?

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
Had no money for food or for rent.
He committed a crime
So he could do time
And live on the taxpayers’ cent.

Arthur Goikhman a/k/a SurrealGames:

A fellow whose last dime was spent
On proving he had no intent
Was guilty as sin
But savored his win,
Since no one dug up the cement.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (35)

Monday, November 14th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to BRUCE NIEDT who wins Limerick of the Week for this funny verse:

A fellow was famous worldwide
For solving the odd homicide.
When his friend asked, “What schools
gave you such helpful tools?”
“Element’ry, dear Watson!” he cried.

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Ira Bloom, Madeleine Sara Maddocks, Johanna Richmond, Robert Basler, and Daisy Mae Simon. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Ira Bloom:

A woman was famous worldwide,
But for what, it is hard to decide.
Having sex on the web?
As a partying deb?
I don’t know, but she’s fun to deride.

Madeleine Sara Maddocks:

A fellow was famous worldwide
For being incredibly wide.
When his doctor said “No!
All this blubber must go,”
He considered his options were fried.

Johanna Richmond:

A fellow was famous worldwide
Because often he publicly cried.
But astute folks took note:
His emotional bloat
Expressed only his oversized pride.

Robert Basler:

A fellow was famous worldwide
For marketing fruit that was dried.
Folks loved that his prunes
Didn’t need any spoons
Yet they still did the same thing inside.

Daisy Mae Simon:

A woman once famous worldwide.
Welcomed all to New York’s harbor side:
“…Your tired, your poor…”
Now meet a closed door.
Corporate greed and corruption preside.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.

Limerick of the Week (33)

Sunday, October 30th, 2011

It’s time to announce the latest Limerick of the Week based on submissions (on this blog and on Facebook) in last week’s Limerick-Off. I’m very pleased to announce the winning Limerick of the Week and the Honorable Mentions:

Congratulations to DAVID MCCORMICK a/k/a AdamantYves who wins Limerick of the Week for this clever verse:

A woman was telling a tale
Of a date with a flesh-grabbing male:
‘Told him, “You with the paws!
“Don’t go thinking because
“This date’s ‘blind’ it’s okay to use Braille!”

And congratulations to these Honorable Mention winners (in random order) Robert Basler, Bruce Niedt, Emily a/k/a Looking For Roots, Jane Shelton Hoffman, Ira Bloom, Robert Schechter, and Ruth Henson Feder. Here are their respective Honorable Mention limericks:

Robert Basler:

A fellow was telling a tale
On his big application to Yale:
He had biked across France,
Taught the lame how to dance,
And drunk rum from the real Holy Grail.

Bruce Niedt:

A fellow was telling a tale
Of a wolf bite he got on the trail.
“I’ll feel much better soon —
Hey, is that the full moon?”
Now he’s growing a snout and a tail.

Emily a/k/a Looking For Roots:

A fellow was telling a tale,
But the plot had the pace of a snail.
His friends all walked out,
And he started to pout
‘Cuz his whale of a tale was a fail.

Jane Shelton Hoffman:

A woman was telling a tale
Of the crowds at an underwear sale.
She pushed, shoved, and hit
Just for one bra that fit
And emerged much more perky, but pale.

Ira Bloom:

A fellow was telling a tale,
Of a harlot he’d chanced to impale:
“I had this erection;
Alas! No protection!
Next I knew, I was lifting her veil.”

Robert Schechter:

A fellow was telling a tale
Which he tried hard to peddle. No sale,
For the folks in his state
Learned he’d gone on a date
Though he’d claimed he’d been hiking a trail.

Ruth Henson Feder:

A woman was telling a tale
‘Bout a piss-poor excuse for a male
Who was three hours late
On their very first date,
Stiffed the bill, and was thrown into jail.

Congratulations again to all the winners for your wonderful limericks. And thanks to everyone for your fun submissions.

In the next couple of minutes I’ll be posting a new Limerick-Off, which gives you yet another opportunity to win Limerick Of The Week.