Lax Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same first line. Then you post your limerick here and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

The best submission will be crowned Limerick Of The Week. (Here’s last week’s Limerick Of The Week Winner.)

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the Limerick of the Week Winner next Sunday, right before I post next week’s Limerick-Off. So that gives you a full week to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday at 11:59 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

I hope you’ll join me in writing a limerick with this first line:

A fellow was terribly lax…*

or

A woman who longed to relax…*

*(Please note that minor variations to my first lines are acceptable. However, rhyme words may not be altered, except by using homonyms or homophones.)

Here’s my limerick:

Lax Limerick
By Madeleine Begun Kane

When a man who’d been terribly lax
About practicing trumpet and sax
Was axed from his band,
He vowed that he’d land
A new gig and get down to brass tacks.

Please feel free to write your own limerick using the same first line and post it in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Madkane@MadKane.com Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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69 Responses to “Lax Limerick (Limerick-Off Monday)”

  1. Alan Hochbaum says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    ‘Bout serving his newborn his snacks
    Instead of purees
    He filled him with Lays
    And now finds his baby’s got backs.

  2. Placido D'Souza says:

    A guy who in his youth was unusually lax,
    And learnt too late life’s essential facts.
    When finally educated by a lady,
    Whom he met in a lane quite shady –
    He took off with a bang and went off the tracks.

  3. John Sardo says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Smoked by the carton not packs.
    She started to choke.
    From all of the smoke.
    For polluting she paid a huge carbon tax.

  4. John Sardo says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Thought of reading a book from her stacks.
    She reached to the top
    Before taking a flop.
    Decided instead she’d have snacks.

  5. John Sardo says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    Playing fast and loose with the facts
    His jiggered conclusion
    Proved quite a delusion.
    To the revenue man he still owed the tax.

  6. Mark Kane says:

    A woman who longed to relax,
    Would stop random men in their tracks.
    Using feminine wiles,
    And warm wicked smiles,
    She soon had them flat on their backs.

  7. Kirk Miller says:

    Lazy lumberjack tends to relax
    Way too much. Good work ethic he lacks.
    He gets so much flack it
    Is clear he can’t hack it,
    So the lumberjack’s given the ax.

  8. rbasler says:

    A candidate called in his flacks
    To explain some hate ads from his PACs
    “It’s not really slander,
    “We just want to pander
    “To voters who don’t care for facts”

  9. Judith H. Block says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Was obsessed with political facts,
    She worried all day
    And had plenty to say,
    How to stop future terror attacks.

  10. Judith H. Block says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    About spelling and proper syntax
    He made freinds his laugh
    At embarrassing gaffes,
    Not good when one grammar ransacks.

  11. colonialist says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    Submitting his figures for tax,
    IR got IRate
    Because he was late -
    His penalties are at the max!

  12. Sally Franz says:

    A fellow was terrible lax
    Not a care for rhyme or syntax
    His words were frenetic
    His limericks pathetic
    Which is why this ends in giraff.

  13. Jim Delaney says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Was set to spin gold out of flax.
    That it turned into linen
    Was just the beginnin’
    Of tales that she told about tax.

  14. scott says:

    a woman who longed to relax
    in hope she would reach a climax
    wore out her man
    her new Steely Dan
    and several battery packs

  15. Jon Gearhart says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    He’d bellow without all the facts
    When asked to back up all
    His claims he would buckle
    And yell, “Oh, you need to relax!”

  16. Jon Gearhart says:

    Pardon me for the visual:

    An old woman who longed to relax
    Took off both her top and her slacks
    She unfastened her brar
    And her drawers hit the floor
    Along with her boobs and her cracks…

  17. John Ramos says:

    The neighborhood children were lax
    In sidestepping boulevard cracks;
    By the end of the day,
    When they wrapped up their play,
    They’d broken twelve mothers’ poor backs.

  18. Jon Gearhart says:

    An old woman who longed to relax
    Took off both her top and her slacks
    Dropped her drawers and her brar
    And her tits hit the floor
    So darn hard that the floor boards have cracks!!

  19. Jon Gearhart says:

    An old woman who longed to relax
    Took off both her top and her slacks
    Dropped her drawers and her brar
    When she walked ‘cross the floor
    Her wet lips drug along leaving tracks!!

  20. John Peter Larkin says:

    A women who tried to relax
    had tried several medical quacks.
    What they told her was lame.
    Her distress stayed the same.
    So she settled on buying new slacks.

  21. yt cai says:

    A pallet of generic X-lax
    Was stolen from one CSX
    Saw the train derail
    Now leaving a trail
    From Hershey to far LAX

  22. Mark Kane says:

    Bill O’Reilly makes up what he lacks,
    With virulent scathing attacks
    On folks who might whine,
    But that would be fine,
    If only he stuck with the facts.

  23. Tom Harris says:

    The fellow was terribly lax
    When he worked on his income tax.
    Ignoring instructions,
    He missed deductions
    And ended up paying the max.

  24. Dean Geier says:

    New Yorkers have tried to relax
    But they are short on some favorite snacks
    Gabila’s knishes
    are what everyone wishes
    Will see one of life’s biggest come-backs!

    Knish Factory Fire

  25. Fred Bortz says:

    To make up for knowledge he lacks,
    The candidate simply attacks.
    His strategy’s smart,
    For political art
    Shows that voters ignore all the facts.

  26. Fred Bortz says:

    Long after her death, Mrs. Lacks’
    Lives on through her cell line extracts.
    It isn’t a rumor:
    Her cervical tumor
    Is the subject of medical tracts.

    Henrietta Lacks

  27. Bob Kennedy says:

    Lizzie Borden showed major mad knacks
    In giving her mom forty whacks
    With an axe; and when done
    She gave pop forty one
    Then she beat the rap, Jack! Them’s the facts!

  28. Bob Kennedy says:

    My adherence to rules is lax
    For the limerick game, to the max.
    Mad Kane laid down the law
    And I shall not guffaw!
    For are we not men, ‘stead of hacks?

  29. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A young nympho whose morals were lax
    Whispered coyly to boyfriend Max
    “If it’s pussy your craving
    I’m too weak to be saving
    Myself from the bulge in your slacks.”

  30. John Ramos says:

    An employee of Smucker’s was lax
    In guarding ‘gainst grizzly attacks;
    He hiked with grape jelly
    Smeared over his belly
    And strawberry jam on his slacks.

  31. Kay Salady says:

    A lady who longed to relax
    Took far too many Ex-lax
    She sat on the throne
    With a wince and a moan
    Singin’ the blues to the max

  32. Tom Harris says:

    Whenever I try to relax
    I start to consider the facts:
    I’ve lost all my gambles,
    My life’s in shambles,
    And my morals terribly lax.

  33. brian miller says:

    a fellow was terribly lax
    and blew at life like a sax
    a mournful tune
    of the misbegotten lune
    if only he’d catch up, he’d relax

  34. Lisa Tucker says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Lies down on a couch on her back
    The dogs start to drool
    the kids home from school
    She rested 5 seconds – max!

  35. Tim James says:

    A librarian longed to relax
    When she met with her guy in the stacks
    Where, ‘mongst Sartre and Gide,
    They repeated “the deed”
    As his manhood would wane and re-wax.

  36. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Two naive girls knowledge was lax
    So questioned the use of their cracks
    “It’s easy to see
    They were put there to pee
    But other than that what’s the facts?”

  37. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Her sex act knowledge was lax
    But now she’s aware of the facts
    For she learned new positions
    From a couple of physicians
    And the old family Priest Father Bracks

  38. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old bushman whose habits are lax
    A dead whore found in one of his shacks
    Said, “I know it’s not nice
    But I’ll keep her on ice
    Then for town I won’t have to make tracks”

  39. A fellow was terribly lax
    In filling and filing his tax.
    But in the auditor’s pursuit
    They missed all his loot
    Buried in the garden, in sacks.

  40. A duck, whose bowels were quite lax,
    Had severe diahorrea attacks.
    He thought it unfair
    That he missed Medicare
    And had to be treated by quacks.

  41. A woman whose morals were lax,
    Despite some corrective firm smacks,
    Dressed up in deep scarlet,
    And lived as the harlots
    Who spent all the night on their backs.

  42. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    Some Hookers these days seem lax
    For they’re spending more time in their sacks
    But claim earning per day
    What was once a month’s pay
    Without getting up off their backs

  43. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Cannibal’s bowels became lax
    After eating a Dog and two Yaks
    An Ape and a Gnu
    And a Missionary too
    He now keeps shitting his dacks.

  44. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    There was an old whore very lax
    Who only charged one dollar max
    Her front you could F***
    For half of that buck
    And for fifty cents more round the back.

  45. Mark Kane says:

    An actress who knew what she lacks:
    “A Large Rack,” which always attracts.
    So she made her decisions,
    To have the incisions,
    Then flaunted her breasts via flacks.

  46. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old drunk who’d become very lax
    Came home with zigzagging tracks
    Kissed the cat on the floor
    Threw his wife out the door
    And went to bed with his PC and Fax

  47. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A Musician has become very lax
    Now for music enthusiasm lacks
    With all instruments he’s done
    And has kept only one
    For an ashtray, he uses his Sax

  48. Dai says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Gave herself a Brazilian wax
    She waived her legs in the air
    Like she just didn’t care
    Whilst removing the hair from her cracks

  49. At the deli, security’s lax.
    But there’s no way to stop up the cracks,
    For when customers wish
    To top bagels with fish,
    Then they’re picking the lox with their snacks.

  50. To the concert I went, to relax;
    But the orchestra’s made up of hacks.
    They murdered the fragile
    First bars of “Tintagel”,
    So I shot ‘em all in the Bax.

    Tintagel

  51. TSA is surprisingly lax
    With unusual things in our packs:
    They gave my wife hell
    For four ounces of gel,
    But they let me get through with my axe.

  52. DOG WHISTLE
    Republicans’ ethics are lax:
    Break the country? No skin off their backs;
    Our laws they erase,
    While assuring their base
    It’s the fault of the uppity… (ahem) permanent urban underclass accustomed to government handouts.

  53. P Diane Schneider says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    While chopping firewood with his ax
    He hadn’t a clue
    As to where the chips flew
    But had to sweep into sacks.

    The fellow was terribly lax
    In starting to figure his tax
    When April rolled ’round
    The fellow’d be found
    Begging his taxman named Max.

  54. P Diane Schneider says:

    OOPS!

    But then had to sweep into sacks.

  55. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old maid has now grown very lax
    After giving a flasher some whacks
    When in her direction
    He exposed his erection
    She nearly had six heart attacks.

  56. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    A woman was terribly lax
    About life in general , and facts
    But since a sex course she took
    Knows every trick in the book
    About relieving the bulge in your slacks.

  57. Radnoft Pladzitcki says:

    An old man had grown very lax
    And a Gent no longer was Max
    For he’d unzip his fly
    And shock passers by
    Hanging old feller out of his slacks.

  58. charlie says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Was accompanied by albino yaks
    The one on the right
    Thought she was too tight
    And proceeded to push to the max.

  59. Dr. Goose says:

    A fellow was terribly lax
    In his choices of soft drinks and snacks.
    Had he listened to “Bloomie,”
    His clothes, which were roomy,
    He now would not have to relax.

  60. Dr. Goose says:

    The American government lacks
    A basis of adequate tax;
    From offshore locations,
    Our big corporations
    Are sheltering all their greenbacks.

  61. Dr. Goose says:

    Obama was terribly lax
    So ACA’s laden with cracks;
    To my shame & bereavement,
    His signal achievement
    Is open to right-wing attacks.

  62. Dr. Goose says:

    The Weight Watchers CFO’s lax
    In responding to shareholder FAQs.
    When a fat guy complains
    Of unwanted gains,
    He asks: “Is that net or pretax?”

  63. Dr. Goose says:

    The hypnotist said to relax
    As the audience lay on their backs.
    When they entered a trance,
    He went through their pants
    And paused to admire some racks.

  64. Dr. Goose says:

    The Congress regrettably lacks
    A consensus on amnesty acts
    So the alien crowd
    Is completely allowed,
    With support of Caucasians and Blacks.

  65. John Armstrong says:

    Bonnie Heather went traipsing through the flax
    Gamboling and frolicking to the max
    Just to make this lewd
    She went in the nude
    and caused a tilt in the kilt of young Laird Max (R-rated version)
    and hummed a lilt in the kilt of young Laird Max (X-rated version)

  66. Johanna Richmond says:

    It’s humor my work clearly lacks –
    Of late I’ve let life’s trials tax
    What is left of my brain,
    So from jokes I’ll refrain
    Before Madeleine gives me the axe!

  67. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A woman who longed to relax
    Recalled that she’d not paid her tax-
    Es: filed, paid by fax,
    Next a dose of Ex-Lax.
    Now she dozes, content, in loose slacks.

  68. Patrice of the ManyCats says:

    A guy who’d been terribly lax
    Learned one day he’d been given the axe:
    Promptly went to the pub,
    Got drunk – glubbity-glub,
    Slurring, “Listen, dese are da real fac’s!”

  69. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun week of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Congratulations to the Limerick of the Week Winner, the Facebook Friends’ Choice Award Winner, and the Honorable Mention Winners: Limerick of the Week 140

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-off has just begun: Limerick Jest