Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BILL at the end of any one line

It’s Limerick-Off time, once again. And that means I write a limerick, and you write your own, using the same rhyme word. Then you post your limerick(s) as a comment to this post and, if you’re a Facebook user, on Facebook too.

I hope you’ll join me in writing limericks using BILL at the end of any one line. (Homonyms or homophones are fine.)

The best submission will be crowned Limerick-Off Award Winner. (Here’s last week’s Limerick-Off Award Winner.)

Additionally, you may write themed limericks related to BEAUTY, using any rhyme scheme. And of course I’ll present an extra award — one for the best BEAUTY-related limerick.

How will your poems be judged? By meter, rhyme, cleverness, and humor. (If you’re feeling a bit fuzzy about limerick writing rules, here’s my How To Write A Limerick article.)

I’ll announce the winners on May 13, 2018 right before I post the next Limerick-Off. So that gives you two full weeks to submit your clever, polished verse. Your submission deadline is Saturday, May 12, 2018 at 10:00 p.m. (Eastern Time.)

Here’s my limerick:

“Trust me, ev’rything’s fine, so just chill,
Because when there’s a way, there’s a will.”
“But you’ve got them reversed;
The ‘will’ thing comes first.”
“See? Already I’ve helped! Here’s my bill.”

Please feel free to enter my Limerick-Off by posting your limerick(s) in my comments. And if you’re on Facebook, I hope you’ll join my friends in that same activity on my Facebook Limerick-Off post.

To receive an email alert whenever I post a new Limerick-Off, please email Subject: MadKane’s Newsletter. Thanks!

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152 Responses to “Limerick-Off Monday – Rhyme Word: BILL at the end of any one line”

  1. Sharon Neeman says:

    It isn’t an absence of will
    That makes pelicans gorge till they’re ill:
    They acquired great fame
    In the fish-catching game,
    And they have to keep filling the bill.

  2. Sharon Neeman says:

    I’m wondering just what they think —
    Those people who preen, primp and prink,
    Who make it their duty
    To spend cash on beauty,
    Ignoring the fact that they stink.

  3. Ken Gosse says:

    RIP, Bill Dorough ~
    The title is “I’m Just a Bill,”
    More famous than “Blueberry Hill.”
    He wrote lessons for us—
    Complex concepts, no fuss.
    And yes, Bob, your songs are a thrill!

  4. brian allgar says:

    The dentist defended his skill
    As each pretty young mouth he would drill.
    “There’s nothing immoral –
    Ain’t sex if it’s oral!”
    I’m told that his first name was Bill.

  5. Lisi Nortman says:

    When JACK and Jill SCHLEPPED up that HILL
    They AL ways turned LEFT to meet BILL
    After TUM bling way DOWN
    They PRANCED all a ROUND
    Cause BILL had one COOL Moonshine STILL

  6. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was ANG ry at DEAR hubby BILL
    Cause he’d AL ways meet JOAN up the “HILL”
    He would GIVE her some LOOT
    For his SHA dy pur SUIT
    But for ME, wouldn ‘t SHARE that cool PILL

  7. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mad: My computer divided the word “pursuit” on two lines
    (four and five) I have no idea why !!
    Could you please pur “SUIT” on line four, so it will be ONE word?
    (above limerick)

    Thank You

  8. Lisi Nortman says:

    At the END of the DAY we’d all “CHILL”
    Cause we ALL simply LOVED our “friend BILL”
    A STAR so u NIQUE
    We LAUGHED till felt WEAK
    Who KNEW he had ONE more great SKILL?


  9. Lisi Nortman says:

    This ACT ress is REAL ly a BEAU ty
    Some EV en might SAY quite a CUT ie
    But it’s SURE ly a FACT
    That in MAN ners she’s LACKED
    Be CAUSE she is JUST so damn SNOO ty

    (Kramer vs. snooty)

  10. Judith H Block says:

    Oh yes, you will quite fill the bill,
    I admire your style and great skill.
    I am truly possessed,
    Now who would have guessed
    That a novel would give such a thrill.

  11. Judith H Block says:

    All that Botox just went to her head,
    No wrinkles, no emotions, looked dead.
    Huge implants in her breasts,
    It’s beauty, she protests!
    He got a blow-up f–k doll instead.

  12. Tony Holmes says:

    ’E got wedded fer love, did our Bill,
    To a lass who were licenced t’ thrill.
    But it weren’t their relations
    Brought on palpitations;
    It were gettin’ the bill med ‘im ill.

    As I’m posting on an American blog site, it might be worth mentioning that I am attempting to reproduce a Yorkshire accent in this limerick . If you aren’t familiar with that part of the world, the film, ‘Brassed Off’, will give you a very thorough grounding. Alternatively, you might prefer the TV series, ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Or ‘Wallace and Grommitt’, perhaps. LOL

  13. Lisi Nortman says:


    Come VIS it our BEAU tiful CI ty
    Down TOWN is a MAZ ingly PRET ty
    We THANK Frank Lloyd WRIGHT
    For this BREATH taking SIGHT
    But the TRAINS in Chic A go are SHIT ty

  14. Lisi Nortman says:


    At the END of the DAY we’d all CHILL
    On t V, there was NO one like BILL
    A STAR so u NIQUE
    We LAUGHED till felt WEAK
    Who KNEW he had ONE more great SKILL?

  15. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m so PROUD of my NEW student, BILL
    He’s de TER mined to LEARN a new SKILL
    He’s PRAC ticing SPEECH
    And he SAID, “Thank you, “TEACH”
    “Your CLASS has been JUST a big TRILL”

  16. Lisi Nortman says:

    My BLIND date was SUCH a real CUT ie
    And BOY, we’d have FUN doing BOOT y
    He asked, “WHAT are you LIKE?”
    I re PLIED, “Darling, MIKE,
    I’m WHAT you would CALL a real BEAUTY”

    (actually true; get it?)

  17. Marty Gerendasy says:

    There once was a POTUS named Bill
    Who could never say no to a thrill.
    In his office one day
    With Lewinsky he’d play.
    Don’t know how he explained it to Hil.

  18. Lisi Nortman says:

    Gee, it’s FUN to be DAT ing “My BILL”
    We GO to a PUB, which is CALLED, “Road Kill”
    Then be FORE it is LIGHT
    We WATCH raccoons FIGHT
    And I MUST say, it’s BEEN quite a THRILL

  19. brian allgar says:

    Oh, those contests! The Donald would feast
    With his lecherous hands (at the least)
    On each startled young cutie;
    Each barely-clad beauty
    Was grabbed by a waddling beast.

  20. brian allgar says:

    The builders had worked with a will;
    The President’s wall took great skill.
    But when they got paid,
    The men were dismayed –
    Each note was a three-dollar bill.

  21. brian allgar says:

    They laugh at his ghastly bow tie;
    “It’s appallingly ugly!” they cry.
    But the dandy persists;
    “Bow tie”, he insists,
    “Is in the beholder’s own eye.”

  22. Lisi Nortman says:

    The SKY is a MAR velous BLUE
    The FLOW ers show DROP lets of DEW
    If you SAY a sweet PRAYER
    You’ll see BEAU ty so CLEAR
    Ex CEPT for the CRAP near your SHOE

  23. Lisi Nortman says:

    As our FOR mer Com MAN der In CHIEF
    He was CHALL enged with SOR row and GRIEF
    But one THING about BILL
    He GAVE us our FILL
    Of UTT erly COM ic re LIEF

  24. Lisi Nortman says:

    In the FIF ties, my FATH er, (named BILL)
    Got a GREAT- looking CAD dy De VILLE
    As FAN cy cars GO
    It was REAL ly a SHOW
    He STOLE it from CE cil De MILLE

  25. Lisi Nortman says:

    What’s this CRAP about” BEAU ty skin DEEP?”
    Who SAID that? some REAL weirdo CREEP?
    Only SU perman SEES
    What’s be YOND your cute KNEES
    So ig NORE those damn GUYS who can LEAP

  26. Zelick Mendelovich says:

    He filled her and more, gill to gill
    She dribbled and choked on his spill
    He passed out like fizz
    This dame was a whizz
    Achieving The kill with old Bill

  27. Sharon Neeman says:

    “Dad, you just can’t imagine the thrill
    When you ride with ‘no hands’ down the hill –”
    “And you tell me this why?”
    Son replied with a sigh,
    “You’ll find out when they send you the bill.”

  28. Sharon Neeman says:

    When she says “Does my backside look fat?”
    Or “Do I look too old for this hat?”
    You have only one choice:
    In a confident voice,
    Say “You’re lovely! Don’t worry ’bout that.”

  29. brian allgar says:

    Said the Donald, “That girl was a beaut!
    A Russian musician, so cute.
    Though she played the viola,
    Some good ol’ payola
    Soon taught her to blow on my flute.”

  30. brian allgar says:

    “The EPA’s job”, said Scott Pruitt,
    “Is destroying our land – gotta do it.
    There’s no profit in beauty,
    And profit’s my duty.
    You don’t like pollution? Well, screw it!”

  31. Lisi Nortman says:

    an attempt at acrostic inspired by Konrad’s wonderful limerick
    (actually I didn’t even know what it meant; I had to look it up!!
    A GIRL who was CUTE as can BE
    Goes to DOC tors all WEEK (times three)
    In the MIR ror I SEE
    Not the GAL who was ME
    God KNOWS that, and WON’T dis AGREE


  32. brian allgar says:

    My night as Macbeth was a chill,
    And the audience booed fit to kill.
    “The author!” they cried.
    Someone said, “But he died!”
    What! Shakespeare is dead? Poor old Bill!

    (This is based on an old English music-hall piece that may amuse you, as it does me:

  33. Lisi Nortman says:


    Gee, it’s FUN to be DAT ing “My BILL”
    We GO for some GRUB at “Road KILL”
    Then be FORE it is LIGHT
    We WATCH raccoons FIGHT
    This GUY gives me SUCH a great THRILL

  34. Dave Johnson says:

    A horny young dentist named Gill
    Had urges he needed to fill.
    Not taking a chance
    On some office romance,
    He went where for filling, they bill.

  35. Lisi Nortman says:

    Being BEAUT iful IS a hard TEST
    BeCAUSE you out SHINE all the REST
    Yet SOME think you’re DENSE
    (You JUST have no SENSE)
    And for MEN, Dear, it’s ALL in the BREAST

  36. Patrice Stewart says:

    The people are sending a bill
    To the big man on top of the Hill.
    Red headed, no beauty
    Or concept of duty:
    He won’t pay, so don’t hope he will.

  37. Patrice Stewart says:

    Yvonne went prepared for it all:
    Whip, stilettos, red lips, six feet tall.
    Clients gasped at her skill,
    Meekly paying the bill
    On those evenings when she was on call.

  38. Patrice Stewart says:

    Warming His Cock-les

    A male fantasy, something like this
    In a warped definition of bliss:
    Nude blonde begs for refill
    From big Hairy-Dicked Bill,
    She’s not done yet with taking the *iss.

  39. Lisi Nortman says:

    Anna HAS a real BEAU tiful FACE
    But she LACKS style and GEN uine GRACE
    She MUST sit up STRAIGHT
    And lose SOME of that WEIGHT
    To be PRIMED for some SA tin and LACE

  40. Lisi Nortman says:

    Mama WROTE a real PRAC tical WILL
    But LEFT out her “SON ny boy” BILL
    He GAVE her cheap GIFTS
    Always SHOPPED at the “THRIFTS”
    Now he LIVES at the “CONdo la SWILL”

  41. Lisi Nortman says:

    C-H-A-R-M (another attempt at Acrostic) “BEAUTY”

    Charm is NOT a sure PATH to a STAR
    Having BEAU ty can GET you so FAR
    A GIRL who’s a SNOB
    Really CAN be a “BLOB”
    Make SURE you’ve a HEART or AU revoir !

  42. Dave Johnson says:

    The beauty contestants were stuck;
    Inside walked a pig-headed schmuck.
    As owner, he could;
    And some girls who would
    Try hockey, if he was the puck.

  43. Lisi Nortman says:

    NOT A DUPLICATE C-H-A-R-M- This is better (beauty)

    C harming LU cy thinks SHE’S a big STAR
    H aving BEAU ty some TIMES is biz ARRE
    A GAL who’s a SNOB
    R eal ly CAN be a “BLOB”
    M ake your RULE: “be kind”( THEN you’re a STAR)

  44. Lisi Nortman says:

    OOPS ! same word twice!

    C harming LU cy thinks SHE’S a big STAR
    H aving BEAU ty some TIMES is biz ARRE
    A GAL who’s a SNOB
    R eal ly CAN be a “BLOB”
    M ake your RULE: “be kind” (THEN you’ll go FAR)

  45. Patrice Stewart says:

    Small-town gal was known for her beauty
    But more for her sharp tongue. So snooty
    She could never be teased,
    Was forever displeased:
    Snarled at all, you can kiss my (patootie)!

    Still, smitten, Bill offered to squire her;
    With charm, bucks, he hoped to acquire her.
    Long due was her spanking
    But she wasn’t thanking
    Him. From afar now, he’d admire her.

    A year passed. She left for the city
    Where life was expensive and gritty…
    She sneered at each client
    To peel, kneel, keep silent
    Then charged for a view of one titty.

    Months later, Bill knocked at her door.
    She stared: Have you come back for more?
    Babe, my rate isn’t cheap,
    Clients line up like sheep!
    He fanned cash she could find a use for.

    Bill then tossed her over his knees
    And gave both lush titties a squeeze,
    Then spanked, paused: Now count,
    And at my order, mount!
    …She was finally charmed: Bill, you tease.
    (It pleased him to hear her loud pleas.)

  46. Lisi Nortman says:

    What WOULD we have DONE without BILL?
    Our NEEDS for good FUN he’d ful FILL
    With LAUGH ter ga LORE
    We ALL wanted MORE
    Now he’s DROWN ing in BUCK ets of SWILL


  47. Lisi Nortman says:

    The MO del had MAR velous STYLE
    And vo LUP tu ous !! BUT all the WHILE
    There was SOME thing she LACKED
    And I THINK it’s a FACT
    She had NO teeth and JUST wouldn’t SMILE

  48. Patrice Stewart says:

    Young beauty’s spouse worked in the city
    Long hours. She claimed in self-pity:
    I once felt adored,
    Now neglected and bored!
    You were so attentive and witty.

    He rubbed tired eyes, gave a snort
    And replied with a bitter retort:
    No kids, I support you,
    Demand I escort you
    To social events where it’s sport

    To spend money like there’s no tomorrow!
    That’s stopping: I won’t have us borrow,
    We just can’t compete
    With your “friends.” Have a seat,
    Let’s discuss what we already owe.

    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

    Mates’ goals and needs often collide
    But don’t let gaps between you grow wide.
    Work to find each good fix
    And as on the clock ticks,
    Years from now you might be side by side.

  49. Lisi Nortman says:

    “Oh NO !! you have TAK en my PILL !!
    It’s for ME Dear, not YOU Darling, BILL”
    The VE ry next DAY
    He SEEMED rather GAY
    Then he GOT a bad MEN opause “CHILL”

  50. Lisi Nortman says:

    Perhaps remove those quotations from the word, GAY I don’t want to
    offend anyone.
    line four: He SEEMED rather GAY
    Thank you



  51. Lisi Nortman says:


    “Oh NO ! you have TAK en my PILL !
    It’s for ME, Dear, not YOU, Darling BILL”
    He ASKED for a SWEATER
    I SHOULD have know BET ter
    Cause he GOT a bad MEN opause “CHILL”

  52. Jean McEwen says:

    Someone snorted cocaine for a thrill,
    And left snot on this ten dollar bill.
    I’m imploring you, honey
    Please launder the money.
    (Scrub it well, ‘cause I’m feeling quite ill!)

  53. Jean McEwen says:

    The Orange One still dreams of a Wall
    Grandiloquent, sprawling, and tall.
    He vows it’ll be “beautiful.”
    But, Congress? Not dutiful.
    As of yet, they are not in his thrall.

  54. Lisi Nortman says:

    I was WON’dring a BOUT Joe Mc GILL
    Some one TOLD me that HE was quite ILL
    Bob SAID, “he’s o KAY
    Thinks he’s GOR don Mac RAE
    We all LOVE when he SINGS “My Boy BILL”

  55. Lisi Nortman says:

    (America the Beautiful)
    Is THIS a great PLACE Papa BILL?
    Listen, SON; I will GIVE you a THRILL:
    “The MOUN tains are GRAND
    In this BEAU tiful LAND
    There’s real CRAP, too on CAP itol HILL”

  56. Lisi Nortman says:

    BILL HALEY AND THE COMETS (for us oldies but goodies)

    In the FIF ties we ALL danced to BILL
    So CRA zy, we MADE ourselves ILL !
    We STILL do the BOO gie
    Even GET down and WOOG ie
    Then rush HOME cause we NEED that damn PILL

  57. Lisi Nortman says:

    In the SIX ties, the GALS just loved BILL
    Not for RO mance:( a NEED to ful FILL)
    Our BIG gest de SI re
    For FAN cy a TTI re
    All the GIRLS had to DRESS just to “KILL”

    (Bill Blass)

  58. Lisi Nortman says:


    What’s this CRAP about BEAU ty skin DEEP?
    Who SAID that? some REAL weirdo CREEP?
    Only SUP erman SEES
    What’s be HIND your cute KNEES
    So ig NORE all those GUYS who can “LEAP”

  59. brian allgar says:

    In Moscow, expecting a ‘jill’,
    Donald opened the door with a thrill,
    But in stepped a crane.
    “I thought they said Jane!”
    He exclaimed as the crane shoved her bill …

  60. brian allgar says:

    No beauty, alas, was the hooker;
    Ten dollars, and far from a looker.
    But Donald was broke
    And he needed a poke,
    So he robbed his wife’s handbag to book her.

  61. Lisi Nortman says:

    My ENG lish in STRU tor’s real DENSE
    And I FEEL that she DOESN’t have SENSE
    She SAID she’s a BEAU ty
    I’d SAY she’s real FRUI ty
    Her STATE ment is REAL ly past TENSE

  62. Patrice Stewart says:

    She hooked on the side in the alley,
    In fishnets and leather she’d dally.
    A beauty? Perhaps,
    Her teeth ground down ‘neath caps
    But great legs, eyes…meet Chevrolet Sally.

    Well known back in high school as master
    Of the T-bone collision disaster,
    She’d got her guy ready
    Then was giving him head – he
    Looked up, whoops: crashed into the Pastor
    (The next night, they went even faster).

  63. Tim James says:

    For decades O’Reilly’s big thrill
    Was harassing the ladies, until
    Fox News figured it out.
    Then they booted the lout.
    ‘Twas one hell of an overdue Bill.

  64. There once was a doctor for Trump
    who was forced to give info dump.
    The doc, still a shill,
    asked “Where do I send my bill?”
    and then got cut off like a chump.

  65. Lisi Nortman says:

    Don’t THINK we have COV ered each” BILL”
    Wait a WEEK or two MORE just un TIL
    A NOTH er one’s FOUND
    Simply WAIT ing a ROUND
    To MAKE some more LAD ies real ILL

  66. Lisi Nortman says:

    Tell me MORE about LIFE Papa BILL
    Like “GIRLS”, are they REAL ly a THRILL?
    “I’ll TELL you, my SON
    After HAV ing just ONE
    You’ll KEEP wanting a NOTH er re FILL”

  67. Lisi Nortman says:

    Jobs for GOTti, were NOT such a THRILL
    I would GIVE him my US ual “BILL”
    “It’s DIF frent, you SEE:
    When you “DO” things for ME
    You get PAID only AF ter the KILL”

  68. Lisi Nortman says:

    When I MAR ried my SWEET ypie BILL
    I did NOT know a BOUT brother, PHIL
    Who was AL ways in JAIL
    Then GOT out on BAIL
    ‘Cause he HAD one “cool MUR der like” SKILL

  69. Lisi Nortman says:

    Beauty, aging gracefully

    People SAY that I STILL look real GREAT
    I E ven found SOME one to DATE !
    We HAVE a good TIME
    It’s REAL ly sub LIME
    Cause we AL ways get HOME before EIGHT

  70. Lisi Nortman says:

    It’s NOT that I REAL ly am RAG ing
    Right NOW I am STRONG ly” en GAG ing”
    A de BATE about BEAU ty
    I still THINK I’m a CUT ie
    Who HAP pens to BE “anti- AG ing”

  71. Lisi Nortman says:

    Di AN a cried HARD on my SHOULD er:
    “I’m UG ly be CAUSE I’m much OLD er”
    (Still a BEAU ty to ME)
    I DID n’t a GREE
    All I WAN ted to DO was just “HOLD ‘er”

    get it?

  72. Sally franz says:

    Giuliani thinks he’s a beauty
    His mafia smirk a cutie
    He trash talks the law
    which sticks in my craw
    that relic can kiss my pa-tootie.

  73. Sharon Neeman says:

    With his hand on her shapely young shoulder,
    “You’re a beauty!” he breathed – and got bolder.
    She snapped “Come no closer” –
    And threw her mimosa
    Right in the eye of the beholder.

  74. Sharon Neeman says:

    When he asked, “Can’t you muzzle it, Stormy?”
    I said, “Maybe — but what’s in it for me?”
    Though he did pay the bill,
    This new fame’s better still —
    And besides, I despise men who bore me.

  75. Patrice Stewart says:

    Ambitious and cunning was Marge;
    By the inch, she decided to charge.
    Terse remarks on the bill
    Would please some, others nil:
    Tiny, Small, Medium, (Sch)long, and Large.

  76. Val Fish says:

    The cigar trick had proved a great thrill
    It was all going great up until
    He came on her dress
    A warm sticky mess
    But she saved on the dry cleaning bill

  77. Lisi Nortman says:


    Tell me MORE about LIFE, Papa, BILL
    Like GIRLS? Are they REAL ly a THRILL?
    “My SON, they’re out STAND ing
    Then GET quite de MAND ing
    After MAR riage, they MIGHT make you ILL”

  78. Lisi Nortman says:

    I think I heard this saying about 40 years ago. I don’t know if I have it
    exactly right, so I’ll try to turn it into a limerick

    I SPOKE to a GIRL (name of JOAN)
    Though EVE ry time Over the PHONE
    When I MET this gross CREEP
    She claimed, “BEAUT y’s Skin DEEP”
    (But UG ly goes RIGHT to the BONE)

  79. Lisi Nortman says:

    aging beauty

    I’ts “HEAD Shot Day” (PLEASE stay on TRACK)
    There’s NOTH ing that WE seniors LACK !
    “Now GIVE us a SMILE
    You ALL have great STYLE
    And we’ll TAKE all the “PICS” from the BACK”

  80. Lisi Nortman says:

    senior hubby and wife

    “Go GET us some ICE cream, Dear, BILL”
    “Of COURSE, “Love”, you KNOW that I WILL !”
    I KNEW all a LONG
    He’d JUST get it WRONG
    I asked, “WHERE is my SWEET Kosher DILL?”

    (get it?)

  81. Jim says:

    Using Bill the girls had a thrill
    soothing his ills wait for their kill
    in a trance he swooned
    new balm for his wound
    gout they’d called it impotent Bill

  82. Lisi Nortman says:


    The MO del had MAR velous STYLE
    (And vo LUP tuous!) BUT all the WHLE
    There was SOME thing she LACKED
    And I KNOW for a FACT
    No TEETH caused that CHICK not to SMILE

  83. Lisi Nortman says:

    If YOU’RE on Fox NEWS, I say, “NO”
    Do you HAVE your own COM edy SHOW?
    If YOUR name is BILL
    You MUST get my “GRILL”
    If it’s COOL, we can GIVE it a GO

  84. Lisi Nortman says:

    This MAN that I’m DAT ing, named, PHIL
    Won’t PART with a ONE dollar BILL
    He said, “LET’S have a FLING
    And go HEAR birdies SING
    Right NOW I just NEED a cheap TRILL”

  85. Lisi Nortman says:

    I QUES tioned my DEAR? hubby BILL
    What’s WITH this, “I NEED a good “FILL?”
    It’s WAY too bi ZARRE
    What’s the NAME of this BAR?”
    He SAID it’s “Ye ‘OLE Floozy MILL”

  86. Lisi Nortman says:

    He SAID it’s “Ye ‘OLE Floozy MILL”
    Mad: above limerick: floozy should be” Floozy”
    with a capital “F”

    (if you wouldn’t mind changing it, line five)
    Thank you, Lisi

  87. P Diane Schneider says:

    The beauties all race in the mud
    To nip Justify in the bud
    But here comes his backer’
    “This boy is no slacker

    That Justify, he ain’t no dud!”

  88. P Diane Schneider says:

    He took me and said “Eat your fill”
    So why did I feel urge to kill?
    He fled out the back
    So here’s the deal, Jack:
    “All right, just send him the bill.”

  89. Ken Gosse says:

    When the Goose and the Gander Both Gaggled ~
    I remember when I lost my thrill,
    On a burning bush high on a hill.
    She mentioned a rag
    And she gagged on my flag
    Then I gagged when she showed me the bill.

  90. Ken Gosse says:

    Making-Up Ain’t Hard to Do ~ (my appologies to Neil Sedaka)
    Beauty is only skin deep
    And sometimes comes off in her sleep.
    But that didn’t matter—
    The darkness helped flatter
    The lady. I came very cheap.

  91. Ken Gosse says:

    I Ain’t Got no Stinkin’ Woodpecker! ~
    The bill of the spoonbill’s a beauty,
    And the tucan’s is tutti and frutti,
    But my chickadee
    Has the cutest, you see,
    ‘Cause her pecks make my pecker tooty.

  92. Lisi Nortman says:

    Have you TRIED “Sublime BEAU tiful CREAM?”
    This FOR mula MAKES every girl GLEAM !
    In ONE little DAY
    My FLAWS went a WAY
    (Oh MY, what a WON derful DREAM !)

  93. Lisi Nortman says:


    Have you TRIED this new “BEAU tiful CREAM?”
    The ONE that makes” EVE ry girl GLEAM?”
    In ONE little DAY
    My FLAWS went a WAY
    (Oh MY, what a WON derful DREAM)

  94. Lisi Nortman says:

    Tell me MORE about TRUMP, Papa BILL
    Is his JOB just a REAL ly cool THRILL?
    “I’ll TELL you my SON
    The PRES ident WON
    Cause he’s GOT one slam-BANG lyin’ SKILL”

  95. Lisi Nortman says:


    Tell me MORE about TRUMP, Papa BILL
    Is his JOB just a REAL ly cool THRILL?
    “I’ll TELL you my SON
    The REA son he WON:
    That MAN’S got one BIG lyin’ SKILL”

  96. Lisi Nortman says:

    I’m in LOVE with your BEAU tiful FACE
    You just THRILL me my DEAR Darling, GRACE
    Your EYES shine so BRIGHT
    Like a STAR in the NIGHT
    Now go WIN that real BIG Preakness RACE

  97. Lisi Nortman says:

    Did you TELL her she’s BEAU tiful, BILL?
    She LOOKS like a BUC ket of SWILL !
    “I KNOW what I’m DOing
    And WHO I’m pur SU ing
    (Her DAD dy is WORTH a cool “MIL”)

  98. Lisi Nortman says:

    One word can make a difference. In this case the word is “one” (line five)

    Did you SAY that she’s BEAU tiful, BILL?
    She LOOKS like a BUC ket of SWILL
    “I KNOW what I’m DO ing
    And WHO I’m pur SU ing
    (Her DAD dy is WORTH one cool “MIL”)

  99. Patrice Stewart says:

    Out On A Limb

    Three sheets to the wind at the bar,
    Barry squinted to see from afar
    When presented the bill.
    He succeeded in spill-
    Ing his drink: ninety minutes with Char

    Cost an arm and a leg! What to do?
    Pull a heist? Racked his brain, in a stew.
    He could offer, do dishes?
    Or sleep with the fishes…
    He shuddered. Could call you-know-who

    Who’d slip in and then twist the knife
    As he pleaded and whined for his life.
    You big ass, Char again?
    She’d sneer, toss him a ten.
    B. bemoaned his sweet-natured Mob wife.

    One week later, the widow wore black
    But attendees somehow sensed a lack
    Of grief. Under cement
    With Char, Barry had meant
    To jump – said widow’s brothers, in back
    (But detectives are giving them flak).

  100. Lisi Nortman says:


    For a PPLY ing your MAKE -up, ask “FRAN”
    This GAL has a WON derful PLAN
    Throw your MIRror a WAY
    And DO not de LAY
    Then go FETCH your OLD frying PAN

  101. Lisi Nortman says:

    We PLANNED a sur PRISE for “Old BILL”
    “Let’s ALL try to STAY really STILL”
    But BILL never CAME
    It was QUITE a damn SHAME
    When we FOUND him just O ver the HILL

  102. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s REAL ly a “BLUE berry HILL”
    And THAT’S where I MET handsome BILL
    But one TASTE of that FRUIT
    Made me GO toot toot TOOT
    Good BYE to my TEN second THRILL

  103. Lisi Nortman says:

    With good MAKE-up, do I have a CHANCE
    At FIND ing some REAL true ro MANCE?
    “What’s REAL ly the TRUTH
    Is that DEAR, Darling, RUTH
    First you’d HAVE to put HIM in a TRANCE”

  104. Ira Bloom says:

    “Do these jeans make my ass look big, Bill?”
    Asked the wife, in a voice somewhat shrill.
    “Not at all,” he replied,
    In a tone that seemed snide,
    “But you might want to lay off the krill.”

  105. John Bergstrom says:

    You know my old friends Jack and Jill –
    Of libido they can’t get their fill.
    I heard Jill last night
    as they turned out the light
    Saying “This time, you coo and I’ll bill.”

  106. John Bergstrom says:

    We enjoyed our sorbets and tutti fruttis
    and talked about cuties and cooties
    and sometimes we gawked
    as we walked and we talked
    among vistas of beauties and booties

  107. Lisi Nortman says:

    I GAVE my real OLD Coupe De VILLE
    To my CHARM ing and SWEET grandson, BILL
    Who in ONE complete YEAR
    Never PUT it in GEAR
    But the MILE age in CREASED with each THRILL

  108. Ken Gosse says:

    Trump Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire ~
    For Mueller, the job’s not a thrill,
    Roasting Donad Trump over a grill
    Where he’ll face his snipers
    And then pay the pipers
    Of Congress’ impeachment bill.

  109. Sharon Neeman says:

    My resourceful (though cash-strapped) friend Kim
    Likes to phone a rich gent on a whim:
    They go out, eat their fill,
    Then — when he gets the bill —
    She just dashes and leaves it for him!

  110. Sharon Neeman says:

    No, I surely will not drink that “juice,”
    Play that “flute,” use that “sauce” for my “goose!”
    Yes, I pity poor Bill;
    Sure, he’s lonely — but still,
    I’m a vegan! Now, what’s your excuse?

  111. Lisi Nortman says:


    Grandma’s HAIR was a BEAU tiful RED
    Her LAUGH ter, con TAG ious, just SPREAD
    With her OWN sense of STYLE
    And that WON derful SMILE
    She could NOT hear a WORD that you SAID

  112. I’m going to try something a little different as soon as I get to the right link.
    An Unfittie’s Guide to Adventurous Travel

  113. Okay, off-topic, but…

    There is a great poet named Mad
    The best mad Mark Kane ever had
    She can out-write him
    (Not just to spite him)
    He’s the best Mark she ever had.

  114. Dave Johnson says:

    With Donald Trump wanting to kill
    That story, he needed the skill
    Of this fixer he had
    Named Cohen; too bad
    That Michael got stuck with the bill…

  115. Diane Groothuis says:

    “Oh Darlin’ You’ve not paid the bill!
    In addition “How much?” for the “thrill”??
    His reluctant reply
    Was please tell me why
    I’ve to pay when you’re over the hill????

  116. Diane Groothuis says:

    She said “Well you had a good ride
    And you gawked at my ample divide
    That should fill the bill
    Though “I’m over the hill”
    So pay up or they’re after your hide.

  117. Diane Groothuis says:

    So he said “I’m not William or Bill|
    Those bastards are in for the kill
    When the weather is Sunny
    I’ll give you some money
    But right now you have emptied the till”

  118. Dave Johnson says:

    A ravishing lass from Eugene
    Knew plenty of fellows who’d preen
    Around like a duck;
    They were all out of luck
    When she married the Homecoming queen.

  119. Dave Johnson says:

    While Rudy was flapping his yap,
    Unloading a bucket of crap,
    The boss said “We’ll bill
    Him for lodging until
    This moron wakes up from his nap.”

  120. Lisi Nortman says:

    My HUB by and SWEET ie pie, CLARK
    Made a VE ry con FUS ing re MARK
    “Even THOUGH you’re ma TUR ing
    I still FIND you al LUR ing
    And STUN ning when WE’RE in the DARK”

  121. Lisi Nortman says:

    I MAR ried my “BEAU tiful Dream”
    If you SEE her, you CAN’T help but” GLEAM”
    Now she’s ON the “t V”
    So LOVE ly is SHE
    Pro MOT ing a HEM orrhoid CREAM

  122. Lisi Nortman says:

    I SLEEP with my LAB rador, BILL
    For ME he’d at TACK, even KILL
    He LICKS my big NOSE
    And I REAL ly sup POSE
    For a SEN ior, it’s JUST the right THRILL

  123. Lisi Nortman says:

    There’s REALly noTHING that I LACK
    Yet my FACE has been SHOWing some SLACK
    For a NEE ded vaCA tion
    And SOME relaxA tion
    Beauty LEFT and she AIN’T comin’ BACK

  124. Lisi Nortman says:

    Just an addition to Mikey’s education

    Is THIS a great PLACE, Papa BILL?
    Listen SON, and I’ll GIVE you a THRILL:
    “The SCEN ery’s GRAND
    In this MARvelous Land
    And there’s BULL shit on CAPitol HILL”

  125. Dave Johnson says:

    The beauty of Stormy is clear;
    Conviction with absence of fear.
    With their hush money case,
    Take a look at Trump’s face:
    In her headlights, the eyes of a deer.

  126. Lisi Nortman says:

    My HAIR has nice LUSter and SHEEN
    But I WANTed to LOOK like a QUEEN !
    So I WENT to “La BELLE”
    Jane SAID, “You look SWELL
    Is that WITCH wig for THIS HalloWEEN?”

  127. Stephen B. Fleming says:

    Beauty themed limerick

    Letitia, the loveliest lass
    With a glorious bosom and ass
    Either coming or going
    Her best side is showing
    The gander is truly first-class.

  128. Stephen B. Fleming says:

    Edit of above limerick
    Letitia, the loveliest lass
    Has glorious bosom and ass
    Either coming or going
    Her best side is showing
    The gander is truly first-class.

  129. Mike Moulton says:

    updated version

    To a movie a young man named Bill
    Took a beautiful girl named Jill
    Half way through the flick
    He pulled out his dick,
    Which for him, but not her, was a thrill.

  130. Lisi Nortman says:

    Miss “SEN ior aMERica’s” SOON
    I WANT all the JUDges to SWOON
    The WINner will BE
    (And ALL must aGREE)
    The GAL who looks LEAST like a PRUNE

  131. Lisi Nortman says:

    They SAY you’ll have BEAUty in JUNE
    If you STARE at a TOtal full MOON
    But THEN I got SHOT
    By MISter PerrOTT
    Thinking I was a HOStile babOON

  132. Lisi Nortman says:

    50 years of marriage

    Just WHAT can I SAY about BILL?
    My deSIres he STILL does fulFILL
    It HARD to beLIEVE
    HE can REALly “aCHIEVE”
    BeCAUSE of that LITtle blue PILL

  133. Dave Johnson says:

    Her beauty is known far and wide;
    So many have been by her side.
    Majestic and tall,
    She has welcomed them all;
    Our symbol of national pride.

  134. Lisi Nortman says:

    I aPPlied a NEW “beauty MASK”
    It was REALly a DIFFicult TASK
    When my HUSband came HOME
    He SAID “oh morONE!”
    Then he WENT on and On….(please don’t ASK)

  135. Lisi Nortman says:

    aging beauty

    My EYES have a BEAUtiful TINT
    Some SAY a “mysTERious” GLINT
    But NOW that I’m AGED
    I’m STRONGly outRAGED
    All my BOOKS have to BE in large PRINT

  136. Massah Trump ain’t impress’d by Black Beauty;
    He sez al’ dark things sh’uld pay duty.
    No derby fo’ them!
    He’ll haw an’ he’ll hem,
    But then he’ll deport ’em, an’ rudely.

  137. Donald Trump will soon send us the bill
    For all the Iranians he’ll kill.
    As his donors’ gifts mount
    So will the death count.
    (But Big Oil will profit, so chill!)

  138. Sharon Neeman says:

    Of all of the beauties he dated,
    Melania for greatness was fated.
    But what price her status?
    His sleaze, flab and flatus
    Make “First Lady” way overrated.

  139. Lisi Nortman says:

    She USes masCARa and BLUSH
    A true BEAUty, but MIKE, please don’t RUSH
    Her TONGUE’S kinda WHITE
    It’s a REAL nasty SIGHT
    Don’t KISS her, she JUST might have THRUSH

  140. Lisi Nortman says:

    now to use “bill”(mommy’s advice)

    She USes masCARa and BLUSH
    She’s a BEAUty, but PLEASE do not RUSH
    I’m aFRAID, my son BILL
    She MAY not fulFILL
    Your “CanDIDa”might JUST have bad THRUSH

    (get it?)

  141. Lisi Nortman says:

    Gorgeous LIZ always GAVE us a THRILL
    As an ACTress she HAD a great SKILL
    But for TYing the KNOT
    She WASn’t so HOT
    It seems NO one could QUITE “fit the BILL”

  142. Lisi Nortman says:


    Gorgeous “LIZ” always GAVE us a THRILL
    (An ACTress who HAD a great SKILL)
    As for TYing the KNOT
    She WASn’t so HOT
    It seems NO one could QUITE “fit the BILL”

  143. Tim James says:

    We men oftentimes play the fool;
    With a good-looking gal, we’re uncool.
    If her bod’s made for sin,
    All our hormones kick in
    And we fumble, we stammer, we drool.

  144. Armchair Poet says:

    On 5th Ave, with a gun, he could kill.
    And his base would blame Hillary, still.
    Trump’s affairs and assaults,
    they just call minor faults.
    Something much worse was done first by Bill.

  145. Armchair Poet says:

    A girl who starts out as a cutie,
    and yearns to become a great beauty,
    must read Glamour and Elle,
    Vogue and Harper’s as well.
    A chore, but it’s really her duty.

  146. Lisi Nortman says:

    For “MISS va va VOOM” compeTITion
    They’ve ADDed a BRAND new conDITion
    If you JUST have no SENSE
    The RULE is now HENCE:
    PoliTICians will NOT get adMISSion

  147. Dave Johnson says:

    “She’s a beaut!” he was pitching, “The best!
    So let’s take ‘er out for a test.”
    We drove from the lot,
    Her transmission was shot;
    His “beauty” was then laid to rest.

  148. Lisi Nortman says:

    for us oldies but goodies: N.Y. Yankee, Phil Rizzuto

    Holy COW ! There’s my GREAT gran’pa BILL!
    “Papa, WHY do those WORDS make you THRILL?”
    “Son, BACK in the DAY
    Real FAR far aWAY
    Was the WORLD’S greatest SHORT stop, called PHIL”

  149. Lisi Nortman says:

    blonde beauties

    Were BLONDE film stars REALly that DUMB?
    Well, HERE is the ANSwer in SUM:
    A great NUMber were SMART
    But THOSE who were TART
    To their Agents they ALL would sucCUMB

  150. madkane says:

    Thanks so much everyone for another fun two weeks of limericks. This Limerick-Off is officially over. And the winner is…

    Limerick-Off Award 297. Congratulations to the winners!

    But you can still have lots of limerick fun because a new Limerick-Off has just begun: Limerick-Off CAN.

  151. Kathleen Bartoletti says:

    In a pretty new dress with a frill
    Sue awaited her blind date named Bill
    He showed up looking sloppy
    In a beat up jalopy,
    And from there everything went downhill.

  152. Lisi Nortman says:

    My gift shopping’s just about done
    And I have to admit it was fun
    Yet I still couldn’t find
    A real special kind
    Of a better darn wife for my son